Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Interesting story. A different take on a Christmas gift. It would be a more interesting story if there weren't so many typos and grammatical issues. They make it more difficult to read and take away from the focus on the story. There are too many to go into detail but here are two big ones. "Oh Kay" should be "okay". There, they're, their. You should use "Well I have more friends and they're stronger" instead of "their stronger" "They're" means "they are". "Their" is possessive. Also, you don't have the time of day on your slug lines. It should be "INT. HOUSE - NIGHT" or something like that. It's harder to visualize something if you don't know when it's happening. When you have a character speak twice without another character speaking in between, you should put "CONT'D" at the beginning of the second section of dialog.

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

Esoteric cinema needs to be better than average. Any film outside the society 'norms' falls under that much more scrutiny... and I think this makes an exciting creative space-- you have an outside mainstream ideas-- you have to raise the bar.
This script does nothing but lower the bar. We have an interesting dichotomy-- gay cinema (outside the norm) and scatological cinema (sadly well within the norm).. but neither are done well.

There are a couple points that were clever ( the gay apparel line was clever, the 'gaily' replacing 'straight' out of), but the premise is just weak. Dutch oven revenge? One positive--- we are not likely to see anything close in theme in this contest.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

Interesting. I thought that the script read really well. The characters felt whole and were interesting.

I always kind of wonder about scenes that I know nothing about. It feels a little stereotypical to have a gay leather party to me.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Oh. My. God.

!

This is quite bizarre. Very very funny. That is one helluva Christmas present. This was great. You know, it's funny...this is something that some might say, well, it promotes a certain stereotype. But I've been to the pride parade in NYC and these guys were in it, along with a lot of just regular people.

Love this line: The halls are decked and the gay apparel donned, leather being the fabric of choice.

Great work :)

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The script was well written. The story itself was okay. It all lead up to a big final joke that only struck me as moderately funny, but overall this was alright.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Hmmmmm! It's a girlie thing I'm sure, but I just don't want to read about farts. Yes, it was a manly Christmas thing because I fear only men would enjoy the humour.

Yes, this has got to be the strangest Christmas gift I've encountered.

I don't know...the storyline wasn't really a storyline to me, just a platform for your own brand of humour. Sorry - not my thing.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I had a producer tell me once that farts do not work in movies, they aren't funny and make many people very uncomfortable. I have a feeling that an entire film that has farting as the main plotline would have no chance at all.
Your writing is okay, I think, but I was so distracted and annoyed by what was going on that I'm not really sure and really don't think I can re-read it.
Don't mean to offend, this one just is not for me. In my opinion a very poor choice for plot, especially one about Christmas.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think your craft is very good and this is certainly original.

However, I'm afraid I just didn't like this story. The stereotypes were tough to take and the fart humor just felt forced.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Interesting take on this month's contest. Dialogue and characters were mostly clear and well written. I liked a lot of the juxtapositions that were setup and played out. But the stakes felt low and the payoff was hard to buy into. I thought there were some ideas raised early on that could have been explored in favor of the farts-under-the-blanket theme.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Fun. Things got a bit too long winded (oh, sorry) in some of the descriptions. Need to be sure the humor in the descriptions is not left on the page as simply words. Jokes in the description need to be seen on the screen.

Opening scene was sharp and right on, the party mix too complex in descriptions, but it came back together with the dance and surprise for butch.

Story, story, story. that's why this one works.

David Dahl (Level 1)

Well, youre imagery is very "vivid", and the descriptions you give are detailed enough, sometimes giving to much information. I find it hard to objectively comment on the way you brought the story because I find the story itself not substantial enough. The giving a payback-fart as christmass present is not enough to build on. I do like how you avoided the typical sugar-coated christmas morality. On the negative-side,the gay-stereotyping was unneccesary, and not funny.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

LOL.. OMG... I am still laughing~

I was laughing so hard my daughter asked me what was so funny and I couldn't tell her, so I started laughing all over again.

Very funny and the hidden plot/ buildup with the burrito was great!!!

Really good story and enjoyable.

Good job and good luck!

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

Hehe, this was a funny one! His Christmas gift turned out to be revenge! I thought that this had a nice little twist to it. :D

I noticed in your slug lines you don’t have a time of day. While all the scenes take place indoors, it might help to know if it is dark or light outside the windows. ;)

I saw a good beginning, middle and end. I thought the story was a little small for how many pages it was, but I thought this had an entertaining story and good structure.

George L. Heredia (Level 3)

The story just did not work for me on so many levels.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

This was entertaining, great chemistry between the characters and a great story of revenge. On the downside your characters to tend overstate what they mean, there is little subtlety in in the dialouge.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

oh no. I have this thing about comedy and fart jokes and the end of civilization... To be fair to you and the script, I have to say the set-up and pay-off worked, and that the characters were funny (playing to the stereotype, but still funny). The talent here deserves a better subject!

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Some gift. Some story. This area, or sub-genre, I would guess is wide open and there are quite a few stories to be told - although, discomfiting to some. Only thing I saw - the bishop's robe came off, then he was dancing in it. Moved along good.

John Foley (Level 4)

(don't ask) reference in your script should be left out. If you are going to put in your script I am going to ask.

Your title caught my attention but it was not the script I was expecting. That is for sure. Although I have to give you credit for turning the "dutch oven" into the underlining joke here.

Kirk White (Level 5)

ok...very crude but very funny...fart jokes will never go out of style and that dutch oven bit is definately a piece of mental real estate that most men can appreciate!

very well crafted and I have to say what earned you a very good was the ultra simple and amazing "(don't ask)" about Birdie's age. such a great and simple way to give out her personality!!! I'm TOTALLY STEALING THAT FROM YOU!

not much else to say...other than maybe changing Butch's name to something not so very very cliche gay man's name. but I think this is a script that will place.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

Though I have to say the script wasn't my cup of tea so to speak, I do have to say you did a good job with it. It was an interesting way that Patrick set up Butch.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Haha! I have no idea what kind of reactions you’ll get with this one, but you had me laughing. I was quite amused by Patrick’s bad timing to ask about the burritos. And by Butch’s fart-trap.

For a moment, especially at the party, I was beginning to think that the story lacked focus, but the ending tied everything up into Patrick’s elaborate revenge plot.

There ain’t much story within the toilet humor of this piece. But it was an amusing read nonetheless.

Very good job.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

What a gift! Ha. This was a good little comedy. It's not really my favorite type of humor, but I thought it was well done and funny.

Paul Young (Level 3)

I'll give points for originality and shock value. That's about it. I'm not going to Taco Bell anymore.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

That was a first, haha.

Well written and story was okay, but not great. Not due to subject matter, but it felt disappointing that it just ends with farting. Even if it is to teach Butch a lesson it still felt childish I guess.

I did love the Yul Brynner/Liza Minelli cross. I would have liked to see that guy on film.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

wow, this was different! Funny story with a great payoff. I don't like bathroom humor much, but I have five sons who love to phooot, so I thought this was very funny.

good work. A very unusual Christmas Present

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Now that is my kind of hillarious Christmas tail. Men on men, burritos, and smelly gas. Whoa!

Not an award winning script, but funny none the less.

Some of your descriptions went too far. Here is an example: "SAMMY (30s) wears serious boots, but they match his jacket, pants, and cap. He smokes a stogie and he half listens to BIRDIE (don’t ask), a cross between Yul Brenner and Liza Minelli during her Cabaret days."

In my opinion, you should just stick to the description. Something like:

"Cowboy clad SAMMY, thirties, sucks on a stogie while faking interest the group Cabaret "wanna be" BERDIE."

You also have this Character dialogue that should be captured a different way. Here is the way you wrote it:

PATRICK
(To Butch) You’ll love this.

Shold be this:

PATRICK
(to Butch)
You'll love this.

Over all, 5 gas masks on humor and 3 stars on rating and reveiw.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

The story was written well and the story flowed smoothly, but it was just okay for me. I would have like to see a little more "flaming" actions from the men instead of leather and gay decorations. Maybe write of the men switching from side to side when they walk or one holds a pinky up or someone flutters his hand. I hope that makes sence.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Hilarious! Gay sex and gay apparel, a character who's a cross between Cabaret Liza and Yul Brenner - ROFLMAO at the visuals - and FART JOKES! You are surely going to burn in hell for watching too much South Park. Find out which circle of hell you're bound for - http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

Terence Ang (Level 3)

I'm not too big a fan of homosexual stories but I have to admit there is a growing market for comedies with homosexual themes. Good writing though and your descriptions are very clear and precise.

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

Well written and funny, usually we don't need to describe a sex scene in details, I really liked your approach. Interesting script!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I don't have a lot of words for this script. It was different, I'll say that much. It was also well written. It was amusing in a ridiculous way, and flatulence is certainly an original Christmas gift.

Comments Made After the Contest

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2008 2:55 AM

13% poor. I hope that wasn't from anyone who said they give scores objectively because the only reason I can see that a person would give me a poor for this script was because they didn't LIKE the subject matter.

Hell, I didn't expect to place with this script and the story is a bit light but if you really think about it and if you are open minded then you will likely see that this script is actually a statement that goes much deeper than a couple of fart jokes. Plus it's a fun read too.

Well if you have to suffer for art then I guess I'll have to get used to suffering.

One thing I have to comment on is the stereotype criticism. A number of people said that the stereotypes weren't funny. I agree 100% and they weren't intended to be funny either they were intended as a base for character development. This is standard screenwriting practice for developing characters in a short period of time (in case you didn't know).

Barbara Lewis (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2008 5:49 AM

I mentioned stereotypes, but I also either gave this script a very good or an excellent, I don't remember which. (I thought it was hilarious and your satire was evident - it was satire) (the farting grossed me out but did not influence my score)

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2008 7:26 AM

I thought this was very well written and I I had a smile on my face while reading it. If people knocked it down due to subject matter then that's a shame. I thought most people here were open minded and able to judge a script by the writing and telling of a story.

This does not deserve 13% poor votes. Poor is for scripts that completely fail in format, writing and structure of story. This one does not fall into that category!

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3) ~ 1/1/2008 9:52 AM

An interesting take on the Christmas theme; about as far away from Santa and the reindeers and you can possibly get...funny, bizarre, and different strokes for different folks, is all. Laugh out loud funny. Here's one more for the Very Good Category. (Nothing poor about it!)

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2008 12:44 PM

From my review you can see I enjoyed this script and had no problem with the subject matter. I understand how the content would turn other people off, way off. I'm guilty of not "liking" certain things in a given script, be it genre, techniques or props (ie, I loathe VOs and use of the phone) and it's hard for me to stay objective if there's something about a script that's off-putting. For example, I wasn't too partial to this month's first place winner (even though I loved the second & third placers).

Everything is subjective, isn't it? In my reviews I find contradictory comments every time: Liked the characters, hated them. Loved it; didn't get it.

Personally, I give more weight to the comments (positive or negative) from writers whose work I admire and those who have credits/work produced. A bunch of "poor" ratings can also be viewed as a positive, because you invoked a strong reaction. There are plenty of movies I hate that have won academy awards.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 1/2/2008 2:30 AM

Hey thanks for the support guys and I didn't think it was any of you that gave me the poor score. People are definitely entitled to their own opinions, I just hate to think that they think they are being objective about them. Anyway, I'm over it and onto the next challenge.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/3/2008 12:02 AM

Michael, I am one of those who scored your script Poor this month and it had very little to do with the writing and everything to do with the reasons I gave. Right or wrong, I feel very strongly that subject matter and story can, in and of themselves, dictate a poor score. If you wrote a flawless script on how to make a pineapple upside down cake, I'd probably give you a poor. 1 - I don't like pinapple upside down cake and 2 - it would bore me to tears. Write a great script about burning puppies alive - I'll probably give you a poor.

Your script totally grossed me out, man. I don't mean that as a slam, it's the absolute truth. Sorry, but if it came on the television I would immediately turn it off, not because of the writing but because of the subject matter. I just didn't get it. I don't find farts amusing in the least.

Obviously several other people felt somewhat like I did, but, surprising to me, several people that I have great respect for as writers and reviewers gave you much higher scores. I am going to re-read your script from the perspective they gave and see if I can learn from it, but still, I don't think I am wrong for scoring something poor that I could not stand to watch.

I hope you don't take it personally. I think you are a fantastic writer. I gave your script last month a Very Good. Perhaps it's my flaw and I am sorry if you believe I have done you an injustice, but I assure you it was not done with malice or for any other purpose than to make the point clear that if you write about such things, you are going to find people like me who will be immediately turned off and would have no interest whatsoever in even hearing about the idea. I'm still learning all of this too. I'm not trained as a reviewer and don't get paid for it. I do my best and share my opinions, obviously sometimes they are wrong.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 1/3/2008 3:01 AM

Thanks so much for the very kind post. My respect for you, which is already pretty high, has increased tenfold. Actually I could tell from the crits who gave me a poor and who didn't, but I really appreciate your honesty. I don't at all take it personally. Everyone is entitled to their opinion - I've always said that and I've always meant exactly that.

I've been around awhile and though the scores did sting a bit, on some level I expected that kind of reaction with this script. It was meant to be a bit of a slap in the face at Christmas and I guess when I slapped Christmas I should have been better prepared for its retaliation.

I do think that if the script grosses you out, you shouldn't read it again. Let it be. And thanks again for the very kind and honest post.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/3/2008 7:26 AM

Thanks for that, I was feeling pretty bad and wanted to make sure you knew it wasn't the writing.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/4/2008 7:55 AM

Michael, I had to step back from your script as well. It turned me off and like Charlie, it grossed me out. The writing however, was very good (taking it as an over-the-top satirical piece). This was one I really had to wait for a minute and then vote. I'm not sure at this point if I gave you a "good" or "very good". I wish I could check back and take a look at that.

I understand everyone's point of view on this very topic and can't fault anyone for how they feel and how they vote. There are many scripts that turn me off (subject matter). While it may affect my vote in some way, I try to remain as open-minded as possible.

Charlie, your honesty is wonderful.