Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

This story didn't work for me. On a basic level, the story is about rewarding theft and I don't know any parent who would do that. The dialog is stilted and forced. It's not how people actually speak, especially the kids who speak like adults not kids. Big Ben hands everyone what they want but except for Mary, no one ordered; they just talked about it in the car. On a formatting note, you should begin with "Fade In" and page 1 isn't numbered.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

well, it's a very direct and simple story that you told, which is kind of refreshing. i'm wondering if there could be a little more going on, though. at least an implied situation or some more tension between characters. maybe they're all really cranky because they're hungry, dad doesn't want to stop until they need gas, but it just becomes impossible not to.

the dialog doesn't quite work as written. the characters refer to each other by name a bit too much. you could cut out quite a bit of that. someone once told me that the time people call each other by name most is when they're angry at each other. if you ramp up the conflict, let the names fly. if not, i'd lose most of them.

it also sounds a little formal for kids, especially kids who know each other well. i thought the mom dialog was the strongest. she sounded pretty genuine and natural when she was talking to the greedy boy. the line about buying her husband sweet tea was nice too.

just take another pass or two at this one, i feel like it's the framework for a story that digs a little deeper into this family road trip.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

This was very easy to picture and the characters are funny...Lisa is maybe inspired by Lisa Simpson? :)

But the problem is there's zero conflict in the storyline and there's no arc. By page four I was wondering if you were going to suddenly have the whole family taken out by an 18 wheeler because it felt like one of those driving scenes with conversation that suddenly LEADS TO DEATH. :-P

I like this as the beginning of a larger work, with some of the conversation cut down. It feels incomplete right now because there's no conflict and no resolution. It's written nicely, though.

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

Kind of cute thanks to some of the dialog but the story needs a little magic. It's not really that interesting that the kid finds a nutcracker and saves the day. And, I guess he didn't think that the nutcracker might belong to Big Ben and return it instead of pocketing it. And, I hate to ask this, but where was the actual Christmas present?

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I kept waiting for something to happen and nothing ever did. They were driving, stopped for some nuts, then continued driving. There's no conflict or twist or anything exciting happening to hold our interest. The writing was good, but the story didn't do anything for me.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

I'm not sure with this one. This seems too sweet and lovey dovey for me. All family time and all that junk. Not my thing. Well, i could imagine what was going on throughout the entire thing So thats good.

I think this was structered well. It's just not my personal taste.(family 'growing pains' material)

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

There was very little drama in this story. No surprises. There were details in it - like Cousin Ray coming from Boston - which were made a lot of, but then it turned out it had no relevance to the story at all.

For a short screenplay you need to be concise and every word must count. There were lots of words in this tale that did nothing!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Quite clever. It took me two pages to catch on to what you are doing. I found the musical scale very entertaining.

Your writing is good, but some of the dialogue seems a little forced, probably to do with having to fit, doe, ray, me, etc. into the script, in order.

Just barely got the "Christmas gift" into it and it bothered me a bit that it was shoplifted.

Still good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a fun read and I really liked the ending a lot.

However, I think there needs to be a little more conflict. Also, you might want to work on the dialogue a bit, it feels a little unnatural.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

The characters and the setting all came through loud and clear. I was definitely along for the ride and enjoying the company. If this was meant as a slice of life story or a story about a young son redeeming himself to his mom (via the nutcracker) then, cool, it worked on that level. I have to be honest here, I read the script 3 times and I'm still not sure, from the ending, what it was all suppose to mean. There certainly were some suggestions along the way (like some of the lines of dialogue resembling song lyrics) but beyond that, I was left confused.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

It has a few good twists on the famous song but much of it seems forced. Feels like the author took the song lyrics, put spaces between each line, then tossed in some dialog to hurry up and get to the lyric. Yes we see the lyric but it just wasn’t that interesting getting there.

It also may be a bit too much on the nose for my tastes. That is, why be so obvious with the song lyric connections. Do they really have to be that exact? A little more work and some finesse would make the script more interesting. Sneak in the lyric or some variation on each of them. Surprise us with your creativity.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

First of all, loved all the white space! I made me relax as a read of the script and know I wouldn't be here all day! ;-)

The story wasn't very "deep". Unless I missed something which is entirely possible.

Not sure where the conflict or drama really is in this situation.

What and where are the people going and why, what is the depth of these relationships.

Fun to read!

Good luck

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

I like your writing style, format and characters. I think you did a good job giving each person a unique voice of their own, especially Big Ben. I loved your characters, especially Lisa, the 10 year-old smarty, hehe. However, I think the story needed more. I thought it was a little too simple. Maybe you could’ve made the ending a little more… intriguing? I didn't see it going anywhere and it didn't end with any sirprises, lessons learned or character changes.

However, I think you are a good writer, so keep it up! You’ve mastered characters, and with just a little brushing up on story you’re going to be a GREAT scriptwriter!!!

George L. Heredia (Level 3)

Overall it read fine, but story wise it could have been stronger.

Lot's of characters introduced in one paragraph could lose the reader. You could stagger the introductions to show each character just before the speak. Maybe that would allow better descriptions of them to reveal charcter traits, etc.

Check for typos.

James Cheatham (Level 3)

You have a nice little southern tone going on in your writing. Good descriptives and colorful dialogue.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I liked the characters,and the dialogue. I'm not sure if I understood the "arc". Was it unappreciated Freddy to Freddy the hero?. I think I got confused because I was not sure "whose story" I was in. I did think you were going to detour into something darker with the oh, so convenient pit stop...Still, clever and enjoyable.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Very clean looking script and a nice pleasant story. I believe you could write about the trip for pages and pages, and I wouldn't mind reading it. Not a real big story, but a good read. I guess something swiped could be a gift.

John Foley (Level 4)

Your set up of the action was really good here. Nice interaction of characters. The long road trip is something we have all experienced. The only thing is that your ending was just flat.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I don't think there's much of a story here, at least not one that's very engaging. Seems like the kid lucked into getting the right gift; it wasn't very touching.

Jonathan D. Greene (Level 2)

Written cleanly. Formatted correctly, but I am missing the point. Just not sure what to make of it, or how all the elements are going together. I may very well be missing something... I surely have before.

Maybe there is a cultural or geographic reference or clue that I am not aware of.

Kirk White (Level 5)

other than making me incredibly nostalgic for some authentic roadside boiled peanuts and sweet tea (which they don't serve in Cali!!), I didn't really see a story here. It was more of a snapshot...a good snapshot mind you...but I failed to see an arc of any kind. Not sure what the resolution was supposed to be...is Freddy a hero for stealing the nutcracker? I think this could be a beginning to a much larger story but right now it feels a little empty. Giving a fair. but thanks for the memories!

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

Lisa and Cousin Ray seem a bit mature for a ten and twelve year old. And overall the whole family just seems too sweet. I would guess a parent would get a bit more upset when the kids start fighting in the back of the car. You know "Don't make me stop this car." And wouldn't Mary be more curious as to where her son got the nutcracker?

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Except for Lisa’s little speech about peanuts (the wording was a little too complex for a ten year old) this one felt pretty realistic. I think you successfuly captured a family moment; I felt like a fly in the minivan watching and listening to a real life scene.

But “reel” life is a bit different from real life; I’d say it’s a tougher nut to crack. Making it look realistic is part of the trick. But it also needs to be exciting and interesting. Something out of the ordinary must happen if you expect the reader to be hooked with the story.

I think you need to inject some kind of conflict into this script. You’ve got your characters, now give them a problem. In movies, even in comedies, bad things happen to people.

The title stole a chuckle out of me, by the way.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

The doe ray me far sew la tea thing was cute, I got a chuckle out of it, but it was lacking story and I didn't really see a Christmas gift (unless you meant the nutcracker to be one). I haven't had chestnuts for a while but I don't remember needing a nutcraker to eat roasted chestnuts. Also, I really wanted you to bring us back to doe - and you didn't.

Paul Young (Level 3)

This one started out well, but to me, it faded out in the end to become a bit uneventful. Needed more of a "wow!" for its resolution. The conflict between the family in the van was the most entertaining.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I can't say I noticed " a Christmas present" in here...

Did Freddy steal the nutcracker or did I miss something?
If he did and the rest of the family thought that was cool, that isn't very nice is it?

The writing itself was fine, but the story didn't really work for me. It seemed like there was just arguing in the car and then Freddy takes a nutcracker from outside Big Bob's tent and his mother thinks that's great...

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Didn't get it. The mini-van group of people reminded me of a scene from Little Miss Sunshine but the banter and idle chatter didn't revolve around any drama. There was nothing to wish or root for and none of the characters changed from the beginning to the end. There was no arc or resolution to a problem. Maybe insert some element of 'this must happen before the story ends' at the beginning to give the reader something to cling to.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I liked the story of this family trip. I think that
finding the nutcracker was a little contrived. However, it's a well written piece with some great family angst, moments! Nothing more stressful than a family trip in the car.

I enjoyed this.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

I had to go back through this story to find the Christmas present and did not. i did find a Christmas theme, however. When I read a script, I always look for a good engaging story first and other stuff second. Your characters do not arc in this story. That takes away from the power of the story.

Theft on Christmas, an ironic plot idea. Something you could really build upon. How about a family that steals to gather gifts for others.

In my opinion this character description was very weak, "BIG BEN, 50, black, 250 pound." That only told me the character was black, fat, and old. You should try to use descriptive visual words to describe a character. Here is an example; "An obese sloven BIG BEN waddle up and greets... with a crooked smile caused by poor dental work." Just a thought. One thing I have been doing this Christmas season is reading professional screenplays and capturing the character descriptions individually so I can get a feel for how the pros really do it, not how some guru suggests it should be done.

Overall, your story was alright. I feel it needed more. More hook and more arc.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

The story was just okay for me. The dialog seemed a little off to me. To be honest, I'm not sure what the story really is about. There was a lot of information in the story that just didn't seem to move the story forward and a lot of information that didn't seem necessary. Good Luck.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This read like it might be a slice of a larger work. If this is intended to be the whole tale, then I needed to see one of the kids get into real trouble (which is what I expected from Freddy) or learn a lesson. I half expected the van to break down, or they encounter a mysterious hitchhiker, or anything I could grab onto and care about what happens to the family. Who is this about? What is it about? Nothing really HAPPENED on this road trip, and so I'm sorry the punny word play (which started out as entertaining) got tedious for me while I waited for an actual plot to unfold.

PS: And here I thought boiled peanuts where the official snack food of the Hawaiian islands, guess now I know where that came from.

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

What a nice Christmas script, everything happens in the right sequence, it is so nice and real! Great Job!!!!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I didn't see a story here? I understand the car ride, but outside of kids being kids, where is the conflict and/or point?

I did like Mary and some of the wisdom she offered, as well as Cousin Ray -- and why did they refer to him as cousin and not just Ray?

Comments Made After the Contest

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/3/2008 1:53 PM

Matt, appears to me a lot of people never caught on to what you were doing. I thought it very courageos, if you don't hit something like this perfectly, you get the fair to poors. Looking forward to what you come up with next.