Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

I think that the entire screenplay wasn't uploaded becasue there isn't an ending. I like what I've read so far but I'm curious how it's going to end. On a formatting note: Your movie should start with "FADE IN"

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Unfortunately not much really happens in this story that hasn't been treaded on before. I was intrigued by Daniella but she is hardly an after thought when it would been interesting to see how she and Robert could be adversaries in a cat and mouse game.

Still I think this idea has some potential it just doesnt seem like the characters or the story arc have been fleshd out enough yet.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

this script definitely covered a lot of ground, which always impresses me b/c that's so hard to do in 5 pages. it kept my attention.

the dialog read really well.

i had some believability problems with the story:

--it seems just a little too slick that he has a tape of her saying "santa claus" handy. how did he know what the back-up phrase was going to be? an explosion alone would bring the police. the ones listening to the bug would hear it and come as well, without prompting right?

--when and how did he have time to plant a bomb in the car? if he's got some inside help from the police, we need to know about it.

--and why would killing a cop lead to the police backing off him? doesn't it kind of work the other way around? i could see it distracting them and taking up time...

i'm not sure how to avoid this, because the genre itself is so sexist in general, but there's part of me that dies a little inside every time there's a script in which pretty much all the women are 100% sexually available and submissive (at least when it really counts). so, that's really dramatic, but kind of true. at least give the cop a clear motivation for sleeping with the criminal. maybe she enjoys the power struggle with him, or something, and is into sleeping with him as a means to an end or a way of conquering him (in her mind), but as written, i just got the sense that she was at his service.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

I like the action here - and the pacing, and the dialogue. There's a lot going on.

I'm not totally sure of the story though - I think (and this happened to me last month) that it was clearer in your head than on the page. Seems easy to do. But I'm really intrigued, I want to know more about all of these characters and what led up to this moment. Maybe expand?

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

I'm afraid I don't get it. Was Daniella the police chief's daughter or something that Robert was going to scare the police by blowing her up? And how did he get the bomb into the car if she just bought it with Dad's money? Oh wait, I guess she was an undercover cop since she had the bug in her coat. So how did he get the bomb in the car? Or, was she going to blow him up and he just knew it and managed to detonate the bomb before she could? Maybe it's just me. There sure is a lot of killing in this Christmas Present contest.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well this script was well written and the story was quite good, but one glaring error caught my eye. If he was in the car getting it on with the girl, how was he able to simultaneously plant a bomb on it? That logistical error really hurt the overall story for me because it just made it all seem impossible. If you can figure a way around that issue, I think you've got a very solid script here. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

As soon as I started reading my heart sank. FOUR characters at once! In only 5 pages how will you make them all come alive? (you won't, you didn't)You could have done the job just as well with two guys playing pool.Then there's a woman,then Daniella too. And Tasha...And Greg...Simplify!

"Danielle sits in the car, giving Rob a kiss, who's standing outside the car" ?????? Anatomically tricky...

How does he know about Tasha worrying about the car getting scratched?

All too complicated for so few pages!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Where was he carrying the bomb, in his boxers?
This story is interesting and pretty well written (could use a little work on some of the directions), but is also rather unbelievable. Things are just a little too convenient. Did he have a bug on her too? How'd he hear her conversation about the car? confusing.

Still, think you did a good job here.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This script oozes style (you craft is great), I just wish there was a little more substance to go with it.

I'm left with so many questions about these characters and their motives. It all felt a little rushed and contrived.

Who are these people, who are we rooting for, and why do we care about them? I think if you can get that into your short, it would be great.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Even hardass criminals have their Christmas moments. Reminded me a little bit of SIN CITY.

I had trouble tracking the character motivations, figuring out why I should care about any of these characters. I also thought there were a few moments that could have been finessed rather than sledgehammered.

But given the genre this was mostly well done. You lost me w/the sex scene, though. If she's a cop, she won't be having sex w/the target, even if she is undercover (no pun intended). And if she's not a cop, what is she?

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I know others may say this but the character Rob is also Robert, right?

Keeping track of four, or is it five, guys on the opening page started out confusing but by the bottom of the page I think I figured out the story was about Rob (or Robert) and that the other guys were not important.

The opening pool table description seems too long (I know, it’s only two paragraphs) because it doesn’t have the impact it could have. It reads as a set up rather than an integral part of the story. I might intersperse the pool table/character descriptions with the dialog and shift the three balls into the pockets just before the “I’m going to scare the shit out of them …” Robert dialog. Just as dramatic a pool shot, but placed where it emphasizes Robert’s skill and confidence.

I find it awkward when I read, “Rob looks over at the rear window and notices the jacket.” It’s like you’re leading the reader, and eventually the movie watcher, by the hand. Hey look, that Rob character is now looking at the important thing over there. It’s too revealing a description in the script and too obvious in the movie when he “looks over.” It can be awkward for an actor as well. It tells the audience that something will happen. Why not let his hand brush up against it, or his knee hits it or something else not so obvious. A subtle approach can work just as well.

David Rabinowitz (Level 2)

Overall this is an entertaining story, even though not much happens. I like the description for the most part, even though some of it could be condensed. I like the twist at the end.

My main criticism is that I find absolutely nothing to like about Robert. Not being able to identify with the protagonist threatened to take me out of the story. However, the writing is still slick enough to keep a reader involved.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I loved the flow of the story. I'm not sure I "get it", but that is not the writer's fault.

What was Rob and his buddies planning to do, what did Daniele and Tasha have to do with it? Were they Russian spies?

I guess I got lost but as far as dialogue and action, it was written quite well.

Good luck!

George L. Heredia (Level 3)

The story was good but lacked the right execution to make it really shine. I think you are on to something, and with a re-write this could be a pretty good story.

A lot of characters introduced in the first paragraph made it a bit confusing. The characters seem to have the same "voice". Some of the dialogue was too on the nose.

There did not seem to be a Christmas Present or did I miss something?

Don't forget a FADE OUT: at the end.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

You have some great visuals here, I feel you can picture what you see but you lack a story. My personal thought is that a short should be self contained and I really feel i am missing loads of information. How does blowing up someone who was spying on him make him more safe? he has to be the number one suspect, now more than ever he cannot plan to do whatever he was planning on doing. Think story first then look at the visuals. Oh and don't put "fucking" in the action, it will throw your reader out of the moment.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I had real difficulty following the story line here. If the girl was miked, why did she have a tape recorder in her jacket? If she was not miked, then what was the point of some sort of safety word? When did she use "Santa Clause?" If it was after he left and stole the jacket, how did it get on tape? And who was she? Cop? Journalist? Thrill seeker? Why would the police be "afraid" to do anything just because of one little murder? I rarely say this, but I think a bit more exposition might have helped me. To another reader, this might be clear as day....

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Some good stuff here, but Rob's omniscience should be somewhat explained. The telephone conversation should be indicated that it is, someway. And a little thing - Rob in action, Robert in dialog.

John Foley (Level 4)

The setup at the bar was all right. I wish though I knew a little more about their "crime".

The relation between Rob, Daniella, Tasha had me confused at the end. I did not understand why the were all acting they way they did.

Kirk White (Level 5)

giving a good. Had to read it twice to make sure I understood everything. Nice premise. Like that you don't really go into details about the crime.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I'm confused as to what is going on here. At the beginning it sounds as if there is a heist in the offering. But at the end Rob kills Daniela? I could see if she was an undercover cop but I don't think you indicate that. You have to make it more clear as to why Rob kills Daniela.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked the crossings and double crossings. Your protagonist doesn’t jump out as a likeable and easy to root for character, since he’s just a criminal getting the cops out of his way.

Yet this was a decent read and it was an interesting twist to learn that Rob was actually on top of things.

A little nitpick: if you introduce a character as Rob, continue to refer to him as Rob. If you want to refer to him as Robert, introduce him as Robert.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Page one felt too much like an obvious set-up for what was to come. As a result, I guessed almost immediately that Daniella had some connection to the cops. There was a lot of strange wording in this script as well which really took out of the story (e.g. "He goes inside the car" would be better written as "He gets in the car"). Was Robert carrying a bomb with him the whole time? That didn't seem very realistic. Finally, this really felt like it jumped from thing to the next. One moment, the bar. Then, the hotel. Then, the car etc. You've only used 3.5 pages out of the allowed 5 max. I think you could improve the pacing and the transitions if you ran it up to the limit. I'm giving you a GOOD for this.

Paul Young (Level 3)

I think this one could have been spaced out a little more (maybe by cutting up the description into shorter smaller paragraphs) since it barely even reached 5 pages. Some of the action was gripping at times though. This one scores points for originality.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This is a first for me, I think. :-)

I voted Very Good on this one even though I didn't really understand it 100%. I enjoyed it and it held my interest throughout.

If you're going to do a rewrite, you may want to add a few things just to clarify for those of us that are dense what exactly happened.

Great!

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I like this story as part of a bigger story/feature length screenplay.

You had Rob and Robert. That's two different names and slightly confusing.

Why is Daniella still sitting in the car half naked when Robert is standing outside? Seems they'd both be dressed now.

I like the vision of Robert walking away from the car.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I was caught right way on the Rob/Robert. If you introduce him as Rob, then he should be Rob all the way through.

When Daniella's on the phone to Tasha, we need to know that by formatting something, like (vo) or (into phone) etc.

I must admit I was confused at this story. Maybe a little backstory would be helpful. As it is, I don't know what the 'job' is. I don't know why he blew up Daniella, I don't know who Greg is, or what his role in this story is. I need to know more, to invest in the players. I'm not sure what relevance the three guys in the pool hall have, except they're there playing pool. In a short film I think it's best to keep your cast to a minimum.

I think you've got a good start, and with some work, in clearing up a few holes in the script, it would work much better.

The writing is pretty strong, and dialogue not too expositional. So you've got the basics down well, now just a little more work and I think this will be good.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

This was a nicely written script, but the sequence of the story doesn't add up.
1) Rob leaves the bar to meet Daniella, but then he's at a motel.
2) Rob walks away from the car with Daniella's jacket, but she doesn't notice it.
3) Rob knows the jacket is bugged...but how?
4) If the jacket is bugged, then why would she need a tape recorder. Especially to say Santa Claus.
5) How does Rob know about Tasha and the fact about getting a scratch an the car.
6) If the car isn't Robs', how does he bomb it?
I think this could be a great story if those questions were answered in the script without actually giving away the ending. Overall, I thought the descriptions and dialog were written well.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Bravo! I had to read this twice to make sure I got it - amazed me both times.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Thank you. You have earned my musical review of the month...

Explosions and sports cars and hot naked women.
Gangsters wit pool cues intent on re-sinnin',
Danelia's a stoolie wit no chance to sing.
'Dese are a few a my favorite tings....

I liked it. Little unclear why he was able to get out of the car with the jacket, as obviously Danelia was pretty intent on it...

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

Your script was a joy to read. Yet sort of twisted, but definitely one of the best so far.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I'm not so sure the logistics of what happened make sense to me. Is Daniella a pro, a cop or a pawn for someone trying to get back at Robert? Having a bug in her jacket, whoever is listening in on the other side of that communication would hear that explosion and should not be far off -- how could Robert continue to calmly walk away?

The writing was good, but I think it needs to be gone over again. I don't mind being left on the other side of what is going on, but another clue or two would move and help this story along.

Comments Made After the Contest