Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Good story. It leave the reader/audience with a sense of hope. Obviously a lot of history between these two people. You scratch the surface and hint at the backstory without being obvious about it. You do a good job of setting the scene. But, at the same time, you go into too much depth occasionally which distracts from your story. Does it matter to the story that the daughter graduated from ASU? Does it matter to the story that the house is a ranch? Does it matter that the fish is orange or just that it looks like a casino chip? Your screenplay should start with "FADE IN" and end with "FADE OUT". You have some typos that need to be fixed.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

This script was interesting because it didnt come across as the typical story about Christmas. I liked how things weren't just laid out but came with bits of dialogue. The only I would say that might need some tweaking is the ending. The resolution right now is alittle weak and just needs some polish.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

Really nice little story.

I thought it could use a little more space, though. It feels cramped to me now. I like pretty much everything about the fish sequence, but I think the reader needs a little more from Angela to make the transition more believable. Consider adding more to the walk scene, or shifting the focus and attention to it with less build-up to get there.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Whilst clearly well written, this suffers from one or two problems. Firstly using 9/11 as a device to invoke sympathy. It's hardly really touched upon (bar the TV at the start) and feels like a tacked on detail to exploit the emotions of the reader. The Dog is one of those unrealistic animals we see in Disney movies to once again squeeze out that little more emotion. 'Oh you don't feel sad enough? Well how about if a cute little puppy feels sad too. Now you gotta feel sad right?' Nope. Just slightly nauseous. The dialogue is at times good. at other times unnatural in it's atempt at subtext. Whilst subtext can be a little cryptic, it shouldn't be downright indecipherable. Whilst I appreciate that this is well written and for the most part realistic in it's character depiction, I could never quite get past the fact that it felt desperate in it's attempt not just to tug at the heartstrings, but sever them completely then have a depressed puppy dance across the remains.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Very moving. This took me right back to that time. I have a certain fondness for those months right after that is hard to explain.

I really like how you introduced the 9/11 images right after the images on the mantel; it had a lot of impact.

I like the argument between them two. There's a lot unspoken but evident.

I didn't totally believe that she changed at the end like that. I think it was just the one line - "But now I'm found." I don't believe she would have had an epiphany and snapped out of it like that. But - I do think she could have made a decision to try and snap out of it. This is my only quibble with the story.

Great work.

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

What? I have to admit, I was curious to see how things were going to play out. Then I read the end. I don't get it. It sounds like the fact that the dog found the plastic fish was just what she needed to solve her problems? I didn't see any reference to fish leading up to that point that would cause her to see it as a sign or something. And just the fact that it was a piece of junk that was "found" made her feel like she had been found from her depression? Sorry, but it really didn't work for me.

If something is going to be used to trigger or cause such a significant change, it needs to be set up.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was very well written and had a great flow to it. A nice little tale of the grieving process, however, I don't get why the plastic fish and Mr. Bill voice suddenly changed the wife's mood around. I would think it'd take more than that to pull her out of her deep multi-year depression.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I didn't QUITE follow the idea that a dog finding a plastic fish in the desert would be such a sign that Angela would change.

"a bereaved mother" - we can't know this simply because you put it in the description!

"a sad looking dog" - good luck with finding a dog who can act this instruction!

"the sorrow in her eyes
belies her numb expression" Uh?

"her dull expression belies
the sadness in her eyes" Uh again!

Some of the dialogue was a bit on the nose - unnecessarily emphasising points, like not visiting Ground Zero and so on. Some things are best left as sub-text or they sound forced.

A touching idea though.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Well written. Your descriptions are good and give a real sense of the place. Dialogue was realistic and to the point.
The story overall was quite depressing, especially for Christmas and I'm not sure what the gift is, if not the dog giving Angela the fish which gives her hope? But why? What is the miracle of the fish? Why would that change her attitude or start her on the road to healing?
As is, feels like it's half a story. But still, all-in-all, a good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was really good. I really liked the characters and all of the subtext in the scenes. In fact, I think there could be more, you don't need to be as specific about 911 - we'll figure it out.

Also, I'm not sure how well the fish works for me. I wish it was a different object - something that has a reason for touching her a bit more.

Still, I liked this a lot, and especially the way you chose to focus on this small, but important moment, in their lives.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I have to admit, I've always had a soft spot for the scripts that do a good job of going after the smaller payoffs. And I think you've accomplished that here. Well done. I liked it. (The dog rocked, too.)

A couple of items: Angela seemed a little too unrelentingly dour, I know: That was pretty much the point. But, I think, even within that limited emotional range, you can find subtle nuances to build into her character to make her more fully rounded. Also, the bit w/the fish at the end, I wasn't quite sure what your were going for there. I understood that it was the device, the small moment, that provided a bridge for Angela to, perhaps, escape her depression, but I wasn't sure how that tied into JC and the feeding of the multitudes. It seemed like you were MAYBE going for a larger statement of some sort, but that was all a little unclear for me.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

So, is this an older script updated for this contest or simply a current response to the 911 events a few years ago? Either way it’s a decent variation on the sometimes overly joy-filled scripts we all, especially me, like to write.

On a technical level I’d like to see additional editing. The action line saying the thing the dog picks up looks like a casino chip for instance could be dropped. First of all it’s hard to get that “seems like something” concept onto the screen. More importantly, the character says he thought it might be a chip a few lines later so that covers the idea that it might have been something else. I know this is a little picky thing to talk about but these little picky things add up in a script and make them less readable and less enjoyable. Editing is one of a scriptwriters most important jobs.

Tell a story, that’s number one. Tell a story effectively though exacting choice of words, that’s just as important. You’ve done the hard work to find a concept, now do the rest of the hard work to present it well.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Love the title. Great story of a mother's grief and loss. It also portrayed the guilt we would feel at a time of loss when nothing seems to change in the world, yet we are rocked!

In the end, we see hope. The conflict in this story was with her self destruction and maybe the red reboks will change that.

The dialogue and speech were clear and easy to follow the subject line.

Good job!

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

Beautiful and touching. I like how you eluded to the fact that their daughter died in 911 but never outright said it. The title was a little confusing… it makes it sound like the fish gets her over her loss, but I’m actually not sure what gets her over it. What if you made something very significant happen to her that helps her learn to move on? I saw that she learned, but I didn’t see her lesson.

I love your characters and I think you have a wonderful writing style. I especially love the dog; I think you captured her very well. :D

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Craft is all there, there is a nice pace, but for personal reasons I don't like the subject matter. I think 9-11 is too often being used as a cheat to get a particular response from the reader. I am not say that is your intent and you may have fully justified reasons for using, just personally I don't like it.

I also had to look up what a Mr Bill accent was, but no doubt we brits include things that mean something to us and not to you.

James Cheatham (Level 3)

I think this is an example of the theme of the piece being bigger than what the structure allows. I would recommend putting bookends on this story to keep a tighter rein on its themes and motifs.

For example, I like the fish in the desert imagery. However, it fails to strike a stronger chord because it isn't a metaphor specific to the script. It is a metaphor for what is going on in the world and internally with the main character, but I would urge the writer to utilize this metaphor specifically, link it with an image or dialogue presented early in the script, especially since the fish is presented by the dog, who represents the character's constant companion and possibly the only thing in her life that understands her rhythms and moods the best.

I think this is a good first draft, but I would recommend that rather than imply what is going on in the mind of the main character, that more be put specifically and directly on the page.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

The theme and title work. The characters are real, and interesting. I'm not sure about the 911 footage. Maybe there's another way to let us know what happened.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

There's no crying in baseball or Christmas stories. Technically sound script. Started with a pre-existing conflict and eased it down from there. Peanut butter and bombs - sounds like a Larry King comment.

John Foley (Level 4)

Good use of current events to give a frame of reference.
I liked your setup in the beginning. It did a good job of setting up the film. I felt some empathy towards Angela and Micheal in regards to their lost.

I just don't think the "fish" here is good reason for Angela to find peace of mind in the end.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Giving a very good. good technique. great showing not telling. a genuinely touching story. I loved the fish/mr. bill voice stuff. Not necessarily sure you need the "now I'm found" bit at the end...but I understand why it's there.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I thought you did a good job showing the devasting effects that 9/11 has on the family left behind. Michael's devotion to Angela is also shown very well. I like the fact that sometimes it takes just the littlest things to turn people around.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

This one felt quite realistic and I think you managed to handle with subtlety a very touchy subject.

Angela did a pretty big change for such a small time. Maybe a little too big. I do believe that her mood change is possible to happen, but right now it seems to come too quick, in order to fit a story need (to end on a happy note).

I find it hard to pinpoint a reason for Angela’s transition from depression to hopefulness, besides Michael’s insistence to cheer her up (an angle that looses impact upon repetition).

A five page short doesn’t necessarily equal five minutes of story time. It could cover five years or even more. Maybe with a less restricted time frame you could work on Angela’s character arc in more depth; right now her change feels a little too ambitious for such a restricted story time.

Anyways, it was a good read. But I think you could do better.

Matt Carrothers (Level 2)

I enjoyed your use of the dog as Michael's partner in helping cheer up Angela. Without the dog's eternal optimism, she may have easily spurned Michael's efforts.

The fish in the desert is a nice metaphor for Angela's current state.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

This is very tight. I think the characters are well developed and the story is excellent. I did feel like there was maybe a bit more to this script. Like maybe you cut it down to fit the page requirement. I think maybe these characters have a little more to say.... other than that.... great, great job.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

It was pretty good. It was a tender and gentle portrayal of the aftereffect of 9-11. The one issue I had with it was that it just kind of ambled along for a while and almost lost me as a reader. I know that's the kind of story it is and maybe it's just that that kind of story doesn't keep my attention. Also the title led me to believe this was religious but it wasn't.

Paul Young (Level 3)

I liked how this one progressed from misery to hope. It was unexpected to hear that her daughter died in the World Trade until it was mentioned in the end. Good job.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was well written, but perhaps a little too descriptive at times for a screenplay.

I'm not sure what to write about the story because I know what you were doing and I think that was nice, but at the same time I felt not much happened. We know immediately that a girl, presumably Angie's daughter is no longer around and the television with the WTC on fire tells us she probably died there so there's no mystery or anything. Instead it's about Angie getting over her grieving. That part of the story is a little harder for me to figure out. It was a nice touch with the Angelfish, however I feel that wasn't enough to get a grieving mom to get over her daughter's death.

Hope this was helpful. :-)

Rob Gross (Level 4)

This script was touching. This woman was depressed at losing her daughter. Her husband tried to cheer her up. Didn't work.

It was a plastic fish and her happy dog that finally brought a smile to her face?

There's something that I can't put my finger on here. Maybe she just goes from miserable to cracking a hopeful smile and that just doesn't make a big impact.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

good story about sadness and the hurt of losing someone dear. I think the stories about 911 are very touching, I've read others and I feel great sympathy for the characters.
I like what you've managed to pull off here, I see a glimmer of hope on the horizon and some healing. Good story, good writing.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

A decent Christmas story that brings back a painful past for most of us in America. Your ending had dual meaning and I like that. A fish out of water.

In my opinion, your opening descriptions were long. You may want to go back and rewrite the opening scene. Once I got past that, the script seemed to flow much better.

Some ideas for your descriptions. In this description, it seems you are not imposing your writers confidence upon us. An example, "Tears stream down Angela’s cheeks, her dull expression belies the sadess in her eyes." Could you just say "Sadness exists in Angela's tear filled eyes and puffy red cheeks." The reader gets it that she is sad based upon your opening scene.

One thing I would like to point out, and this is only my opinion. When you are giving us a description of something or someone, try and show us a vivid picture. Several of your descriptions read like you are telling us something. Here is an example: "The dog lies down in disappointment." Who or what is disappointment. Could you show it?

I do want to compliment you on this fine peice of description writing, "Michael and Angela walk up a sloping trail, a view of the high Sonoran desert. Fine homes and tall Saguaro cactus dot the rugged hillside." I had a picture in my mind when I read this. Good job!

Overall, your story was good. It connected with the soul.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

That was a very touching story. I remember Mr. Bill, I'm not sure if some of the other readers will remember or know the clay figure. I liked the way you worked the Mr. Bill voice and gave her a hopeful smile. Nice job.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

So...the miracle of the plastic fish is that it made Angela happy to be playing with Tyla for a few minutes so she smiled enough to forget that her daughter was killed on 9/11? Assuming this is set in 2001, which I believe it was, with the beginning of the war in Afganistan and the reference to Mayor Guiliani instead of Canidate Guiliani...I'll buy that, but suggest a date insert to get people up to speed right away-gives alot more impact to the story as it develops having that info right away....

Terence Ang (Level 3)

There's something in this story that isn't found elsewhere and that's a repertoire of human emotions stretching from sadness, grief, happiness, resolution to contentment. Something very hard to describe in just five pages. It reminded me of In the Bedroom, a story so laden with emotional tension you can sponge it off the air. Your 5 pages is perhaps the best I've read to date. Good job.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Some religious symbolism -- that is how I read this script. Healing and love, nicely done. I like Michael very much, as well as Tyla.

Comments Made After the Contest

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2008 12:31 PM

Thanks everyone - great feedback! This was based on a true short story that I wrote over Christmas 2001 that I re-wrote as a script for the Dec MP contest. I am going to be tweaking it and hope you'll comment on the re-write.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 1/1/2008 1:02 PM

I am definitely looking forward to the rewrite.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2008 1:55 PM

Now I feel bad about calling it "a cheat". Definitely look forward to the rewrite, let us know when you post.