Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Once Matthew goes to the same restaurant I had a fairly good idea what was going to happen. But the ending is an interesting twist because it had the nice reveal about Ray's girlfriend which only came about because he lost the ring. The unfortunate thing is that more time seems to be spent on Ray and his girlfriend then on Matthew and his girlfriend so I was bummed what happened to Ray even though inn the end it was probabaly a good thing for him and feel like Matthew deserves the shaft for his conceit. A good piece though.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I like the idea and the parallel stories.

I don't think the jacket switch is particularly believable at the moment, though. Nor does it quite make sense that R. wouldn't be concerned about the diamond ring being lost, even if he has decided that he doesn't want to marry E. (I'm not sure, has he?)

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Cute premise. A few details to attend to: You call Eve Ray's wife in the opening sequence, but later on he is about to propose. And Ray "notices" the dangling button twice. Just needs a little tidying up, is all.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Thank God it ended well. I liked it. I wish it ended properly, with a FADE OUT or THE END. I thought the last page didn't work.

Smart set up. I really liked it.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Nice job. There is a very nice set up in your story. I think your women might be too similar in tone...they both just sound like cranky unsatisfied women...which they are but you might want to look at giving them some details or speech/vocabulary patterns to make them stronger. Also the button on the jacket thing was too convenient for the task at hand so for me it was just like "oh there's the button so...right and the jacket and the ring in the pocket..." It might have more interesting if suddenly he spilled something on the jacket...I don't know but something other than a loose button ya know. In order for this character quirk to really work it needed to be set up sooner. Maybe say something in his description or how he dresses to suggest that he is so fastidious and anal... right now we just know he likes to be on time and it bothers his lady. I am also not buying so much that he is willing to let the ring go so easily. I didn't get the idea that money was not an option for him and this wasn't the most romantic payoff to change his controlling ways...I think it can work but how you tell it and show it fell short for me. We need to see him working it out not just pulling a fast one.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Nice twist at the end :)

I like this one a lot! I like your descriptions, they have style without being too long. This for example:

Christine shoots a murderous look and Matthew jumps at the
chance to talk to someone answering him on the cell phone.

Good stuff!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The story was a good switcheroo, but the ending didn't make sense to me. Why would he say "Good." then leave when he learns that his coat, containing his ring, has gone missing. I didn't get that at akk,

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Don't think you need to tell us that Ray is a man and Evie is a woman. Be economical. Save yourself space by cutting out unnecessary words.

There are also some confusing bits that don't make sense - like "You always 2 years together is enough time for a
couple."

In general, although I realise this is a story that is about confusion - the way it was written was confusing too, so it lost something, despite repeated reading. That puts off a person!

The finish didn't seem to be a finish!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Love the premise, started out well, but then dove into unbelievability for me. Who gives a girl a ring they just found in a jacket? What a creep. And who's glad their jacket and diamond ring is missing? Don't buy it.
I was hoping to see it all snowball in the restaurant. He gives the girl his borrowed jacket because she's cold, she finds the ring, the other guy can't find his, yada, yada, yada.

You're writing is pretty good, but I think you need to work on the dialogue a little. For example:

The opening line is full of exposition, giving way too much information and sounding very unnatural:

RAY
Ready to go? Our reservation is at
9, and it takes a half hour to get
there. It’s almost 8:30, so we need
to get going.

I feel like you wanted to let me know what time it was, when they were supposed to be at the restaurant and how long it takes to get there. Why do I need to know this? What I'd tell my wife is: "Ready? We'll be late." Short and sweet and gets you to the same place - in a natural way.

Also, when he's waiting to go in the restaurant, Ray plays with the loose button, then half a page later he notices it.

I think with a little work this could be a really great little short.
Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I really liked the way you intercut between these two couples and their stories.

The characters feel a little one dimensional, but the pacing was very good and kept the story moving.

I think it's a great ending with Ray not minding the loss of his jacket and the ring, but I don't quite believe it somehow. I wish I saw the realization in his eyes a little earlier that he needs to change.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

That was clever! I really thougt it was going to hit the fan when he realized he lost the ring! Both couples were satisfied in the end, and that was satisfying for the reader.

I was able to stay in the story the whole time.

Good luck!

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This was an interesting and good tale although I had to seriously suspend belief that Ray would be fine with the loss of the ring. But, that's the thing that made this work.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Hi. worries me a little when I come across a typo in the third line of dialogue. But behind that it was a nice little story, I think I would a little more annoyed if I lost an engagement ring and I also think I would have remembered switching jackets, but the intention was good. My expectation for the couples to switch so it was nice they stayed together.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

This screenplay was a very quick read. The action sections fly by and fling us into the dialogue. The only exception I saw to this was the last line in which the guy "runs back outside the restaurant." As this was just after her received a hug from his girlfriend - I think this means he went back out to join her. But did he perhaps go the other way, relieved that he had not in fact proposed? The women are somewhat harshly portrayed here, so escape may seem like a happy ending. If the happy ending is that he finally pleased her, then perhaps the reader /viewer needs to see a positive or humerous aspect of the ladies.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Very good story. At the restaurant, a continuous in the slugline or separate slugs for different scenes withing the sequence. Same with outside the restaurant - give a capitalized fountain its own line. Makes it easier on everybody to understand where we and the camera are.

John Foley (Level 4)

This script surprised me. There were so many potential conflicts I thought were coming. I like the contrast of the two couples and how the intersecting at the same place.

Kirk White (Level 5)

love the idea but the script is a bit sloppy. and you introduce eve as his wife in the first scene but then she berates him because she "knew you were going to propose"? it was a bit confusing. Plus I really didn't buy that he'd be so cavalier about losing the ring.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

You seemed to be heading in the right direction, developing what looked like a good story. But you didn't finish it. What was the end result? Does Ray find the ring? If so how does Matthew explain to Christian what happened? These are questions that need to be answered. If you do that I think you will have written a good script. Also you should write out two and you did have a few typos.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Let me see if I got this right: The jacket confusion is a trigger that makes Ray realize that he actually wasn’t sure about proposing. And because of this same confusion Matthew realizes that he wanted to marry Christine.

I’d suggest clarifying this change of mind a bit (if it existed) or coming up for a reason for these guys’ sudden change of plans.

I liked the premise though. It was a cute interlocking sort of rom-com that flowed nicely. It could read better if, despite the page count limit, you manage to turn up the heat a bit and inject more conflict.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Not bad, but I think it got a bit confused as it went on. Ray and Eve were already married, you introduced Eve as his wife. So the ring never really made much sense as an engagement ring. And I don't think he would take losing that ring so easily.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

The tension was built up pretty good. I like how you had the two parallel stories going. Both apply to every man and woman in the world.

There was a few typos that tripped me up, but I didn't mark down.

I'm not sure Ray would have given up the ring that easily, though!

I really liked this story- good job.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I liked what you've done here. It's a cute parallel story about the two couples.
Both women totally unsatisfied with their men. Both get what they want, but they get what the other woman should have got, both are happy.

Very clever. I was a little tripped up by typos etc. I tend to do that a lot also. So I always have someone proof for me, because when you're writing it's sometimes hard to 'see' the typos yourself.

Anyway, good job on this, it was a fun story and quite entertaining. You managed to fill each page and tell a good story that seems longer than five pages!

But on a side note, if I were those guys, I'd get rid of the women, they're far too whiny. LOL

Good luck with this.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I like this story. There were quite a few mistakes though. In the beginning, you have Eve, the wife of Ray. Then at the end, Ray is suppose to propose to her. Also, In your dialog, there were a lot of missing words and incomplete statements. This made the story not flow as smoothly. I think if you go through your script and make these corrections, then I think you would have a pretty good story.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Fun ride, nicely played out romantic comedy. You nailed the characters.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

A little wordy, but O.K. Fortunatly our local Cracker Barrel has a pretty liberal dress code, so I couldn't really identify with the jacket dilemma...Things worked out good for everyone in the end, almost not deservedly so...The men were kind of jerks and the women weren't that nice either. I guess I didn't really like the characters, which isn't good or bad on your part, just not my cup of tea.

Terence Ang (Level 3)

Excellent plot in just 5 pages. I like the idea of the switch and how it all pans out in the end. Seriously, pretty darn hard to find good endings these days. Keep it up.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The title gives everything away, though I did like the juxtaposition of both Ray and Matthew (if I were Matthew I don't think I'd ask Christine to marry me :)

I was confused by Ray and Eve. You introduced her as his wife, then he was going to propose? I also found it a bit unbelievable that a meticulous guy such as Ray would switch his coat. By his characterization, I felt that he would have noticed that button.

I understand that Ray may change his mind, but I don't think he would forget the ring (obviously an investment, I don't think he would throw that away).

William Coleman (Level 5)

Except for a few opening lines that are stiffly expository, this is a clever piece of story telling. The use of the props is ingenious and well constructed. I liked the fact that everyone got what they wanted. It's good to have no sense of loss once in a while. Clever romantic comedy. Good work except for some stiff and slightly forced dialog.

Comments Made After the Contest