Comments Made During the Contest
Adam Grage (Level 4)
I'm assuming this would be an animated piece. That's how I saw it. The dialogue,for the most part, was very good and tight. I liked the different parts and the fact that other inanimate objects were featured also. Good piece.
Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)
It's a very cute & creative script. I feel like the argument about value could be more intense/higher stakes though. That would really give the ending a punch that it only sort of has now.I feel like the characters are developed well and each have a distinct voice and sound about them. You definitely have a knack for rounding out characters quickly.
Audrey Webb (Level 5)
Very creative and very funny. Well done.
Austin Jones (Level 4)
So smart. Now that was thinking outside the box! Great imagination!
Barbara Lewis (Level 4)
OK, this is completely fabulous. Awesome idea, great dialogue, and very funny yet a little poignant as well. I'd love to see this one made and I bet it will be. I have nothing negative to offer in the way of criticism! I guess I could point out a typo - on page one Torch says "make if fast" instead of "make it fast." Top marks from me on this :)
Brian Wind (Level 5)
This was brilliant. It'd make a great animated short or could easily be adapted in to a feature. Great job! Very creative.
Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)
This would make a fantastic animation. Very well done. Just the right blend of pathos and humour and each of the items had their own character.Slight point - when the coin flipped and it says 'Elizabeth smiles', and then the reference to the lion...even as a Brit I had to think very hard to work out what was going on. Maybe if you put Queen in front of Elizabeth...?
Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)
Very good. I started out convinced that I would not like this story and ended up loving it. You did a great job with all the "characters" and had some really funny lines. Extremely clever.I liked the story and its resolution.Your writing is very good, think you'll do well with this one.
Chris Messineo (Founder)
I thought this was incredibly clever and inventive. The only negative, I'm just not sure how much I care about any of these characters and their desire to be selected. Perhaps that would be solved in the animation, as these inanimate objects are given personalities and character.In any case, I would love to see this as an animated film.
Dawn Calvin (Level 5)
Love the title. I grew up always having a "junk drawer" and still do! I always thought we were the only ones until later and I realized its an American Staple!This was so unique and clever use of the props. I really enjoyed it. I can just see the items as animated or not. Either way it would work.Bravo for your use of the props in a very refreshing way!Good luck!
Deborah Mack (Level 3)
I thought that this script was adorable! It had a good moral to the story and funny characters. I especially laughed at the puns. ;) I’m not really sure about this, but would be a V.O. be used next to the character’s names while they are speaking in the dark? Again, I don’t really know the rules on that one but I had to remind myself that I was only hearing voices, not seeing characters speak. Other than that tiny detail, I absolutely loved this one! I can’t wait to see who wrote it! :D
Elias Farnum (Level 5)
A very interesting concept and use of the challenge. I'm not too sure about your formatting though.
Jane Beckwith (Level 4)
This is a cute idea. I was not sure whether to picture it animated drawings or in some kind of realistic CGI style... I also was not sure if we needed to have to have (O.S) when the screen is dark. Finally, I think you might need to indicate whether the voices of the inanimate objects are male or female. I was confused by the Coin in particular. The pacing of the conflict works, but some of the banter in the drawer might benefit from more extreme characterizations.
Jay Knisely (Level 4)
Ingenious Alice-In-Wonderland type story. Quite interesting, engaging, and English. Very exceptional, likeable.
John Foley (Level 4)
This was a refrshing script. It was the first I have read that turned the "objects" into characters themselves. I may not look at my junk drawer the same way. A good script has the ability to change one's thinking.
Kirk White (Level 5)
giving a very good. clever use of the elements. enjoyed the romp. this would be a great animated short.
Liz Messineo (Level 4)
So original, so imaginative! What a tremendous use of the subject - to take it so literally. And make a great little life story. Nice.
Margaret Avnet (Level 4)
I'm impressed with your use of the props for this script. Though I have to say if you are thinking of possible selling it, it would have to be to someone who would use special effects. Though I do have to say you were creative. I think this is the first script in which the main characters are inanimated objects.
Matias Caruso (Level 5)
Very creative take on the challenge, making characters out of the props. The object’s dialogue lines were pretty clever and engaging.This could be a very funny animated short if produced.Since you open with “BLACK” (which usually means total blackness) it wish you used it to hide (for some brief lines) the true nature of your characters. It would have been nice if the “talking objects” angle came as a surprise to the reader after Torch shed some light in that drawer.I can’t make any useful criticism since this piece is nearly perfect. Definitely my favorite so far. Heck, I might have to go back and downgrade my other “excellent” scores.Thanks for the read.
Pia Cook (Level 5)
Well, since I read this one before you posted it here and don't really have anything to add. I REALLY enjoyed it though. I thought you did a great job.Lots of imagination as usual.Pia
Rick Hansberry (Moderator)
The originality of the premise worked for me. I very much enjoyed the banter between the objects. I was reminded of Toy Story by the description of the items actions. Format-wise there were a few issues, especially opening in BLACK. Not seeing or being able to identify these objects would force the audience to play catch up once it's revealed that the film involved personified objects. Then, we would have to remember who said what in the opening. I thought TORCH seemed out of character. Maybe PENLIGHT or FLASHLIGHT? Be careful about writing 'feelings' like Ring is ecstatic as she is lifted from the drawer. Simpler to put what we see -- Ring beams as she is lifted.. I thoroughly enjoyed the fresh take and creative response to the challenge. Obvious British references. Nice writing style. Cheers!
Rob Gross (Level 4)
I'm giving out a lot of good scores this month, and this is another one.Great originality. I thought the dialog was very well done. I loved the characters, especially the needle.Good job!
Sally Meyer (Moderator)
I thought the concept of this script was so clever! Very visual and really entertaining. There are a few things that trip me up.. the conversation between the odds and ends was a little expositional, and didn't flow as well as I think it could.But that is minor and could be fixed with a polish. (no pun intended.. Ring).This was so entertaining and is one of my favorite's this time. Fun, cute and I guess it would have to be animated, or CGI. Good job creating a fascinating world, that was very entertaining.
Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)
Nicely written. That was cute and great job!
Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)
Clever, funny, touching and original - if it were up to me, I'd pronounce you this month's winner with a bullet. Anyone looking for an animation short to add to their demo reel should produce this immediately.
T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)
Good idea, but not sure how well it would translate into film...Maybe as a cartoon with the anthropromorphic objects chatting about their life in the junk drawer. Hard to get any real sense of action from this, as they don't really do anything other than chat. Some excellent one liners, though.
Terence Ang (Level 3)
I thought the idea served the story well...that a selfish vainpot of a ring loses her 'junk drawer' friends only to find herself in a horrible situation.The dialog is good and it is clear you have a vivid creative mind on where things are and how they act to dramatic use. Perhaps you would want add (O.S.) offscreen indications for some of the dialog and ensure that the reader doesn't lose track of exactly where he or she is when the location shifts or the ambience changes because the setting's a little off-world from an orientation point of view.Great story and characters. Reminded me of Toy Story!
Terry Huskey (Level 2)
Great story that was well told and structured. The story flowed so well that it was easy to visualize all the action.Loved the twist at the end. Totally had me fooled.
William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)
Loved it. Quality writing and the concept is excellent, as is the actual writing. This reminded me of The Isle of Misfit Toys, a Twilight Zone episode or a short Pixar piece -- but it still had its own distinct voice.Sharp, funny and every item/character had a different voice. Very well done.
Comments Made After the Contest
Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2007 12:02 AM
Michael!!!!!!I'm soooooo happy for you!! I knew it was a winner when I first read it!!Awesome!Pia :-)
William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/1/2007 12:10 AM
Congratulations - I loved this one.
Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2007 12:15 AM
Congratulations on your second place finish.I hope I get to see this on film some day.
Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2007 12:50 AM
YES! I loved this one. It was so creative and clever. I hope it gets made!
Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2007 12:53 AM
Man, this was great. As I said in my review, it was my favorite this month.Congratulations!
AJ Smith (Level 2) ~ 12/1/2007 2:20 AM
I didn't get your script in my batch of reviews, but I wish I had. Glad I read it now!I thought the royal use of "we" by the Queen side of the coin was brilliant! Very sad ending, but a great script.
Austin Jones (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2007 8:43 AM
Michael Congrats! I just loved how original this one was!
Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2007 11:55 AM
Yay! This was my personal favorite. I look fwd to reading more of your "junk" !!!
Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2007 4:56 PM
Hey all. Finally finished with the move and I get back online and I find this fantastic surprise. Thanks.
Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 12/3/2007 5:08 AM
Michael, Congrats on placing. Best of luck with this.
Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/15/2007 10:18 AM
Knew you'd do well with this one. Great job.
Paul Young (Level 3) ~ 12/30/2007 3:43 AM
I'd like to see this one produced in an animation studio. Call up Pixar! Nice personification with a perfect ending. Well done.
Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5) ~ 3/5/2009 10:11 PM
You are so talented! I loved this.
Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 3/6/2009 4:53 AM
That was perhaps the sweetest feedback I've ever had. Thank you.