Comments Made During the Contest

Arsenij Voitko (Level 2)

Nice twist in the end, this is the kind of story where you have to get back and reread it again, to understand it fully.

Mike’s first line doesn’t sound too English to me, but since I’m not a native speaker, this might just be me. The dialogue in general feels a bit on the nose, at first. Later, when you realize what’s really going on here, it kind of feels fine, but I still think it needs some tinkering.

I understand you are trying to mislead the audience as long as possible, but when Mike sys that Kate slept with half of the stadium, why doesn’t Piper react? He knows that it’s not about Kate, right?

Kate’s description suggests that her skirt has a ton of make-up, as far as I understood. And who is she? Mara’s mother? This wasn’t clear.

When Mike calls him Peter, is that a reference to Piper’s past? That he was Peter and Mike made him into this star called Piper? I’m not sure I understand it correctly.

There were some things that were not entirely clear. I understand it’s only one page, but I think there should be a way to hint at those things a bit more clearly.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Sweet ending! Didn't see that one coming, you set up the visuals and props REALLY well! It had a gangsta ego feel to it, right until the endearing redeeming end. The twist ending made it all make sense.

You could do this on a small budget I imagine, two male and one female actors, a dressing room, a little girl.

Don't know what else to say... Good job! Premise, family is more important than a career.

I'm voting EXCELLENT.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I questioned Piper's motive until the end. Great conflict and resolution.

The misdirection of the title is a bonus as well.

Great job!

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Yeah, good work.

A simple tale, well handled, of a man putting priorities in place, although i have a few suggestions...

.... it would be good to divert anyway from the greedy money men cliche, after all the superstar did sign up for this and gets rich etc and probably loves the attention, and direct it more towards circumstances have changed. Maybe his child is ill so we don't see her at the stadium but him with her in hospital - we can therefore understand the need to take a stand.

In fact the spoilt star not honouring a contract can go both ways in terms of moral condition.

all the best

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Nice ending. Pretty basic and straightforward. The writing was pretty good.

Piper is a very interesting name for a rapper; I'm assuming he's a rapper.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I'm not sure I followed this, even after three readings.

I wasn't sure at all what Piper was. A wrestler? Actor? Rockstar?

Was the idea that he gave up for his daughter not Kate? If so, why did he not contradict Mike when he was talking about her having slept with half the stadium etc.?

I think the twist needs a bit more work to make it effective.

Charlie Hatton (Level 1)

A nice vignette, charged with emotion and hints of relationships and history in a very short format.

I really liked the way the "clipped" nature of the descriptions heightened the tension, almost making it seem as though the characters would be short with each other, before the dialogue began. (Those short descriptions may have been a factor of the one-page limit, but I thought they worked well for the piece.)

I liked the twist with Mara at the end; I had to reread (maybe the intention?) to see that the entire conversation was (I think) about her. In that light, though, a couple of the lines (esp. "you hardly know her") seemed a little awkward. Mike's first couple of lines, too, didn't seem as "hot" as he was described as storming in, and yelling later.

(Maybe as a manager, you have him somewhat deferential to the star? I suppose my trouble was getting a consistent "read" from Mike.)

Overall, I liked it, particularly the clever use of lines to apply seemingly to Kate, then to Mara. Tough twist to pull off in one page -- nice job.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ah, this was a nice little short. Not a whole lot of extra detail and back story and the punch makes it a satisfying story.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I think this is a well written piece with some unique and distinctive dialogue. I believe some more backstory hints might be necessary to really draw the story out. I guess specifically regarding Kate and her story in order for the rest of the story to be fully impactful.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

What to say, what to say.

Subject matter is different; a plus. I'm not exactly sure I understand why it's so important for Peter Piper to drop out of the gig, it doesn't sound like PP really knows either-- his defense isn't all that inspired (the emotion's there, just not the reasoning-- it's purposefully vague to hide the child, but a drawback to me because money is a pretty lame excuse when he's passionate about his kid).

The SLUGLINE. "Stadium, Dressing Room" why mention the stadium when we don't see the stadium? all you really need is the luxury room.

GOOD. It was interesting-- so that kept me out of the lower ranges. But I can't justify higher when I don't feel we got the whole story from PP.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This is one of those scripts where I like what is here but I don't think it is a complete story. I like the twist with the daughter but this leaves more questions than it answers.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Very well written.

Not sure what the emergency is that makes Piper cancel the rest of his tour.
Does Kate tell him he has a daughter he doesn't know about? Based on Mike's line about Kate's past, I get that impression.
Is there proof? Or is Piper just a stand up guy?

Seems like I am catching the last minute of a movie.

Very good writing though.

David Serra (Level 4)

Shows the dramatic situations celebraties go through.

Good conflict. I especially liked the ending.

Good.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I am not sure the title fits this script because he is actually giving up his stardom, no?

I think this didn't go deep, it kind of skimmed the surface of emotion, so I didn't feel any real draw.

Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice job. I was completey surprized by the ending, so you did a good job of mis-directing but keeping me in the story. I'm a little confused by what Piper does - unless, of course he picks pickled peppers, but I'm thinking I'm reading too much into this. One thing that confused me was that I had a picture of Piper laying on a couch or bed, and he is suddenly pushing the other guy against the wall. I think a line of dialogue could have been dropped and a line of action added that would have helped this.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Good writing here, but I'm a little confused on the story. So is Mike Piper's father? He calls him Peter, which indicates he might be closer to him than just his agent (or whatever he is).

Good luck to you! This is a Good from me.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Huh? I feel like you ran out of room and you really had to rush this at the end... Its a good scene, but its really just a scene. There really isn't a whole story here, just the beginning or ending of a story.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

This was more of a 'snippet' from something bigger, not a story in itself. Dialogue was good, format was okay, but for a single page there wasn't enough drama, or a successful completion of the story, for it to be great. The revelation of Mara was just tacked on the end to close the page, it didn't add to your script.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The CONT'Ds in dialogue are not needed. If you use Final Draft, this feature can be turned off.

I like this story. Well written. Very good.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A perfectly apt title for your screenplay that gives nothing away and is cleverly misleading. And a charming storyline to boot! The one part that sticks oddly out is using "Piper" as a man's name but his may just be me. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The story made me wonder why the rock star chose now to quit? After all, he may not be the father. Then the story layers in he's afraid of being alone, he doesn't like his manager, and the girl already is four years old. He was ready to quit and just needed a reason. The more I thought about it the more I liked it.

VERY GOOD!

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Congrats. I didn't get the overall logic relative to the Contest Name, so that's all i can say for now. Enjoyed reading your script, a fast read indeed.
Good luck.

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

It's undoubtedly hard to get and stay in show-business, and every rock star has had their share of groupies. I kind of like that we originally see Kate as a groupie, but end up seeing her as a baby mama, whom Piper is eager to rush home to and raise a child with. His manager is obviously upset by this as it means the end of both of their careers. Piper seems to know the history of his predecessors well and has no desire to repeat it. I like his rockstar look compared with his good man attitude. Mara's daddy is a star in more than one way.

James Hughes (Level 5)

You have some things going on in the script that are good. You aren't coming out and saying everything so i like that about it. A man having to give up his career for his kid is an intersting story. But in the one page, we get no real backstory and so this decision doesn't hit home in any kind of meaningful way. I think it is due to the one page and not the ability to write it. Why does he need to quit? He sees the kid there so why would he say he is coming home tonight. She's with him already. Makes me wonder why he'd need to quit when she could travel with him.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I was momentarily lost towards the end, but it was a good story. I wasn't quite sure where it was going at the beginning which is a good thing and it ended well. I didn't spot any spelling or formatting issues. Overall, I liked the story I just thought it was a little jumbled at the end.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Nice twist / surprise ending with Kate vs. Mara.

Story: Good description. More of a sketch than a story.

Formatting: A few minor things but nothing major. (See under Nit-picking.)

Dialogue: A bit too "talky" for an one-pager. In a longer script, this would have been just fine.

Nit-picking: Don't need the (CONT'D). Perhaps a wee bit too much exposition here via the dialogue.

Rating: Good

Good luck and keep writing!

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I had to read this twice before I fully understood what exactly happened. I like the character of Piper. I think he's got a lot of subtext to him that could really bleed well onto the screen. I thought your dialogue was good and it didn't feel forced. My only recommendation would be that you clean the script up and make it more clear. I was confused after I read it the first time, and while I think I understand what you intended, I'm not 100% sure that I know. Some of the blocking seems a bit awkward. When reading it, I have to force myself to remember that we haven't left the room. This mainly has to do with the scene where Mike walks past Kate. Every time I read it, I saw this scene taking place in a hallway, so I had to stop myself to realize where exactly you are wanting the camera. I also didn't get a sense of where Mara was during all of this. At first, I thought he just looked at a picture of her, but you clearly state that she's a character in the room. I don't know, this just felt very awkward to read. I don't think I'm able to envision it the way that you have.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

At first I couldnt understand but then it dawned on me - piper is actually Peter and he's a transvestite. I'm wondering if we will get it from the very first moments of the movie- they are not hard to guess out. I also wonder if the rest of the writers will understand what it's about. Anyway good it's a well done script, I think.

Kirk White (Level 5)

a nice sweet story. very nice resolution in the end. giving a good.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I really like the beginning of the story. It is exciting and mysterious. The ending is what is confusing to me. It kind of look like the end is put in there to give it a WOW factor. It sounds like at the end the girl tells Piper, Mara is his daughter so he cancel his show to be with her. It just don't sound right.

I think the story has a great beginning.
Good Luck

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Well done twist. The inference is that Piper is cancelling shows to be with Kate, whom he's just met. Instead, it seems, Piper has just discovered he is a father, met Mara, and it's his little girl who's all he has left. Clever.
Not certain about the relevance of Piper being addressed as "Peter" by Mike. Obviously Piper is the guy's stage name, and Mike knows his real name. Am thinking that "Peter Piper" could be a reference to the nursery rhyme, but the rhyme is a tongue-twister about picking peppers. Can't be a coincidence... or is it? hmmm

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I really like this title.

And I love this story!

The writing is tight and clean. You convey so much character and emotion in such a short space, and you do it beautifully.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is good, but it feels like a small part of a bigger story.

There might be something I'm missing with the names and the title.

Good.

Mary Krell Oishi (Level 1)

While there was a lot of action and tension in just one page of a script, I did find it a bit confusing by the time I got to the last line. I had so many questions. Who is Kate? Wife? Girlfriend? Is she the little girl's mommy? Is she the Yoko Ono of the band? It was all just a little confusing. I did, however, like the fact that this rock star was giving up the nonsense life for his baby girl. That was sweet.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Good story, short and the dialogue was great
I liked the title also, it was nice, related to the story that
you want to describe. This was written well.
For one page script it is good overall

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I thought it was interesting that you chose the word "was" for your title. After reading the story, I'm not clear on the connection though.

About the story - I don't get it. Peter Piper. Rock star? Quits his concert tour because of....? I don't get the sense that he just found out about a daughter, but Mike's dialogue indicates that Piper and Kate aren't married ("You hardly know her"), and she's is a whore. So I don't get the connection. Maybe others will, and I'll understand after reading the reviews.

Technically, it's well written. The action is easy to follow and visualize.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Had to read this twice to understand what was going on - he's not met the kid often.

Nice, well written.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The writing is skilled, action lines are well defined with good verbs.
You open with "STADIUM - DRESSING ROOM" and I thought for some reason it's a sports stadium, but then figured Piper is probably a singer? He quits the tour to be with his family. Nice message.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It took me two reads, but I'm pretty sure I got it now. The idea is a touching one - a potentially shallow man confronted with fatherhood makes a crucial choice. He barely knows the girl, and it may not be his.

It is touching, but a little unrealistic - it's hard to understand why, or, legally, how, he's giving up his career tonight. As he says himself, it doesn't matter if he stops tonight or tomorrow, so why not after the tour? Why right before he goes on? All it is, it seems, it constructed drama.

I'm also a little confused about the physical setup - is Mara in the room, the whole time? Or does she come back with Kate? Was she waiting outside while Kate was in the room?

There are questions, but the big idea is solid. Maybe a few changed details would set this on more solid footing.

Piotr Jamroz (Level 2)

Nice and simple. Red herring works, but after reading I thought - ok, so he talked about Mara but you didn't give any clue. And then I looked at the title. I just omitted it somehow. Oh, so the title was the plant. Not much will stay in my mind after reading. It was just a simple, little epiphanic "a-ha". Nevertheless it was great to read it.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Was Mara in the room the whole time? The way I read it Mara was standing behind Piper. What I didn't get was how come Mike knew Piper, but didn't know about the kid.

This actually worked for me. I didn't expect that "little" twist in the end.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

This one’s a brilliant concept. Mike wants to raise Piper’s daughter because she’s a famous superstar and wants the money for himself. And Mike decides that he wants to stay with his daughter after he left her for a while. Maybe he was on vacation or something, but I don’t know. I have a few questions that’s unanswered. Did Piper give her up for adoption and decides to change his mind by staying with her? If that’s the case, why did he want to give her up in the first place? I also find it heartwarming that Piper rather cancel her daughter’s show if that takes him to see his daughter, so that money doesn’t have to be involved.

Your dialogue rings true. I like the double meaning and subtext of the dialogue. Mike’s dialogue fights against Piper, as they argue about the daughter. The dialogue can be heard a mile away.

The description lines are lean and clean. I haven’t notice any grammar errors at all.

The characters are well developed. We are supposed to root for Piper to keep his daughter. But like I said, I don’t quite understand the situation with the daughter and the father’s separation. But that doesn’t take points because we can pretty figure that out for ourselves. I thought he had to travel to the studio to perform with this daughter or something.

Overall, I think this is an Excellent read.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Curious as to why describe it as a stadium dressing room. Even the descriptions didn't seem as necessary. Rock star deco would suffice. I liked the dynamic and, while stereotypical and predictable, there was heart in this - something at the core of the human to say, 'Screw it, I'm done.' I'm not sure why depict the Mom as a typical groupie - it would lend a bit more empathy if she wasn't but still, I enjoyed this ride.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Good. Real situation that happens a lot. Oh, the entertainment biz! ;-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I always imagined Piper being a girls name, so when you have your main lead man being named Piper it sort of tripped me up.

I think the story is good, the dialogue could use some work. I know it's hard to write a one pager, so I understand you have to reveal more in dialogue, but try and keep exposition out of your story, show don't tell.

Good job.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a touching moment, but the story itself seems kinda thin to me.

The entire story is a set-up for the big reveal -- the "she" that Piper is talking about when he says "She needs me," is his four-year-old daughter Mara, not groupie Kate as we're led to believe (and as Mike believes). But this makes the whole story a false dilemma -- when Mike says, "But you hardly know her," and "Kate's probably slept with over half of this stadium," wouldn't Piper just say, "I'm not talking about Kate," and clear the whole thing up? The entire confrontation is based on very avoidable (and illogical) miscommunication.

It's well-written, though, and I did enjoy reading it.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

I liked this. There's depth here and you managed to get quite a bit across with just one page. I'd be interested in reading a longer version of the script though, I think the parameters of this competition stifled this story's potential a bit.

Sheila Curry (Level 2)

Cute read, nice pace, good set-up.
Piper and Mike's interactions create good tension and give us insight to each of their characters. The ending was a bit predictable, but it played out well, sweet.
I wasn't fully behind Piper until his interaction with Mara.
Well done.

Sylvester StBrice (Level 2)

It's done decently,but nothing pops out and move me to care.On a note,tone down the characters age,their way to old to be that flashy and mention what they are,(ex.rapper,rock-n-Roll,pop,Country artists).Their were some typo's but none to serious.To sum it up, know your characters,feel their vibe,read their mind,then display their thoughts,the rest is history.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Nice reminder about what's most important in life. The things that matter most aren't things at all.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This felt like it was a scene from a script as opposed to being a "complete story" in one page.

"Piper" seems like more of a girly name than a guy. Just sayin'.

BTW - Mara comes out of nowhere in the script.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Some great dialog and interchange here. But what does the reveal of Piper being a man in drag have to do with the emotional tension of Piper wanting to quit the road? Is it Kate or the child that motivates Piper? Seems like the story was abandoned for a gimmick.

Comments Made After the Contest