Comments Made During the Contest

Anita Lindawaty (Level 0)

Actually, I don't really like the idea in this story: pathetic, desperate and homosexual. But it doesn't mean i am racist or something. No, i am not. Not at all.

The writer was doing good to built character of Frank.
Story setting in two place: living room frank's apartment and nightclub bathroom.
But the write succeed make it short and compact.

The plot story flow freely, really nice to read.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The first sentence misses a period at the end.

Also, you put way too much costuming detail the first sentence, and yet at the same time too little. The detail is that of a cliche hipster with the t-shirt, jeans and designer stubble. If you let a costume designer do his work he will come up with something better.

You could for example also write "FRANK, 30s hipster, slouches on a sofa alone."

That is all that is needed. Let the reader fill in the details. You can never write anything better than what a reader's imagination can come up with.

First voice over you are withholding information from us. Frank knows something and we don't and he's keeping us in suspense, so this had better be good or I will feel cheated.

I have to admit I didn't see the surprise coming until he was kissing another guy.

It feels like it is missing story. You are giving us a slice of life, something Frank apparently does regularly and you are showing us one typical evening. But why show us this evening? What makes this evening special, different from other evenings?

For example, you can also tell this story as Frank learns he has AIDS, and show us he's piercing condoms in the end. Or show us interrogated in the police station after he was caught. Start with a police officer opening a condom in front of Frank. Rolling it out. Pouring water in it, water streams out of a hole. Police officer asks "why?"

Or so, I don't really know how to solve this frankly...

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Ominous title. I like it.

Missing period at the end of your first sentence.

"Frank’s hand is seen piercing". Use active tense: "Frank's hand pierces". It saves space and you'll use one line instead of two.

I like the story, but your end dialogue is on the nose. You could end the script without the final VO. Frank's grin is all we need.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Humm, difficult one this one.

It was precise, short and punchy and i understood, most of the time, what was happening.

I suppose by issue is the mixed motivations of the actions and the words. He sets this out like he's giving a chance, when in fact he is purposefully trying to infect someone when he...doesn't have to. In short he is reducing their odds yet thinks they have a chance.

I can understand the anger of being infected, the why me part, i just think the motivation here is not quite right, or should i say consistent.

otherwise sound work.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Yeah, this one pretty much grossed me out. Dark, sinister, and evil. Pretty simple story. Basic and to the point. Other than being grossed out, I thought you did an a great job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

More roulette!

This is good. Tightly written.

I was engaged in your character. I always think it's good just to have ONE character.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

The writer does a good job building tension and suspense in what is an original story of unbridled vengeance. There is a lot of well done subtext in the dialogue. Not really my kind of story but I give marks for a good job on execution. Not really sure about the protagonist's motivation outside of pure rage over some bad luck.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Alright. What's his rationale? what does he think he's accomplishing.

The VO.
--To me, it's the first paragraph above the VO that we'll be seeing for the entire monologue. So, to me it looks like I'm staring at Frank sitting on the couch for his first spiel, then see him poke a hole in his condom for the second spiel.
--Ideally, there would only be about to lines a speech for every shot-- but you're conserving space, so put the more visual shot (the condoms) up top, and then show us Frank getting ready during the second monologue.

Frank's young. 30s, the earliest he gets diagnosed is at 15, in the late 90's-- isn't that a pretty tame time in the AIDS epidemic (now the early 90s, the era of the AIDS-scare movies, somebody could get pretty jaded living through that hysteria)

Dialogue.
--Why doesn't he talk about 'always bring protection' when he's poking holes in his protection? There's irony there-- and we get right into the title 'blood roulette' right off the bat.
--most of his dialogue is too general. It's not personal. It's not about a specific feeling or a particular reaction he had.
--too much about how he's 'dealt' with it. This, what he's doing is dealing with it-- he aught to be telling us how doing this makes him feel like he's doing something about it.

GOOD. Subject matter gripping, usually neglected. Just needs a more personal edge to the dialogue.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

This is crazy deep and a very sad idea. You can almost see a whole story in just the voice over and in the images of how this man feels and how he needs to play this sick game to get what he thinks is justice. Very powerful.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This is okay but there is not much to it. I know it is only one page but why he would pierce the condoms isn't explained. I think there needs to be more character develpoment.

David Birch (Level 5)

a lot of good writing here...i'd break up your 5 line paragraph after "cubicle."...since the next sentence suggests a new shot...also i'd drop the, "i bring rubbers with me."...we know he does that, so that line is redundant...just start his monologue with "Sometimes they leak..."...but a good effort in a tough contest...good luck with the vote...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I think there actually could be a little less dialog. Particularly in the final Frank voice over. A lot of what Frank says is implied in the action and having him say it is not necessary and perhaps distracts from the script.

I might delete the “I bring rubbers with me.” first line. We just saw him tear one open a moment earlier in the action. Maybe even delete the second line. The “It’s not fair …” line and beyond is the dramatic part of the dialog.

Even the whole opening blocks of dialog may be shortened. We can see hip poking holes and wonder what the heck he is doing. A hint of his problem maybe in the dialog, maybe not. Then to the club and to the bathroom stall. His actions and voiceover (abbreviated) then have more of a surprise aspect and possibly has a more dramatic effect.

Lots of potential here with this script.

David M Troop (Level 4)

This film will probably never make it to Bravo.

Rough and gritty look at one man's coming to terms with HIV.
Spoiler alert. He's not quite there yet.

Frank says that it's been years since he's known and he's handling it better now.
Really?

Your action lines are too passive.

FRANK is passionately kissing a twenty-something man in a toilet cubicle. He pulls a condom out of his pocket, tearing the wrapper open with his teeth, staring and grinning at the other man.

Frank kisses a MAN, 20's, in a toilet cubicle. He pulls a condom from his pocket and rips open the wrapper with his teeth. The man smiles at Frank. Frank stares and grins.

The voice over works for me though. Nice dialogue.

David Serra (Level 4)

This'll start some controversey here.

Like a lot of scripts I read in this contest this one has a twist, which I admired.

Good job.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Very effective use of the Voice Over.

I dig the title too. The subject matter is hard to stomach, and kudos to you for tackling it. Unfortunately though, on a one-pager like this, it leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. There's nothing, technically, wrong with this script at all, but I can't find it in me to LIKE it.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt though, it's a GOOD from me.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

The dialog is very well done, not too on the nose, I appreciate you as a writer giving me as a reader a little bit of room to work out the story on my own instead of just slamming me over the head with it. Its also well balanced and feels like a complete story so good job.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

Two entries with 'Roulette' in the title, is this a sign of the times?? Your format was solid and your story was interesting. Perhaps a little dialogue could have been included instead of all V.O., but then the V.O. gave the piece a sinister tone through-out, which you don't really want to undermine. If you did want to edit in a little dialogue it might contrast the truth and the lies of the protagonist. The V.O. = the true dark side of the character, while the dialogue could reveal his art of deception.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

How can it be roulette if Frank's piercing every condom? You don't put a bullet in every chamber. As a result, it doesn't really make sense. Perhaps you mean to expand this for the film competition, it would certainly be easy enough to film. Frank's motivation certainly needs more explaining, unless I missed the subtext in the dialogue. It was, thoughtful.

Tight writing, er, crisp visuals, no typos or formatting errors detected.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Remember to make every word count. What is the difference between "stubble" and "designer stubble?" I think the word designer can be cut.

Remember less is more: Example: A stack of condoms are tossed onto the coffee table and Frank’s hand is seen piercing each one with a sewing needle. Consider instead: Condoms piled on the coffee table. CLOSEUP on Frank’s hand piercing each with a needle.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

What a great title that immediately draws one in. And then I read your script and it was like waving a red cloth in front of a bull. Your storyline infuriates me. Well constructed but so cruel and meanspirited. You've definitely gotten a powerful response of anger and revulsion from me. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The opening image might be more effective if it skips Frank at the couch and starts with the hole punching. Helluva of an opening image and tightens up your vo. The closing dialogue didn't flow well.

GOOD!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is perfect for this story.
Craft - your craft is fine.
Dialogue - the dialogue is okay, but I think it would be better for Frank not to say "Blood Roulette". You don't have to be that blunt.
Action lines - your action lines good.
Story - good story for a one pager.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Weird Story. I like the fact that you didn't go the ordinary but I'm disappointed that i didn't capture the Contest Name in your script. Didn't get the overall logic of the story.
Well, i think it wasn't well executed well enough for me to care about your characters.
Frank is some geeky gay guy, so??? Anyway, good effort.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I've read the transferring AIDS on purpose just because you're angry story before. I never seem to get anything new from them.

Why did he have to be gay? It's just a tired stereotype in my opinion.

But let's get to the story.

You never set up for the twist. You just kind of dragged us through the story, rather than keeping us on out toes. Your VO wasn't on the nose, but we understood what he was talking about too quickly. I think you should have had him go through the notions of getting ready, talk about his disease, grab the condoms, go to the club, and then at the end, cut back to the apartment to reveal that he has poked holes through them.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

A very interesting and dark story. I need to look at the sunshine after this one as it's depressing, but thats a good thing. I didn't notice any spelling or technical mistakes. Overall, I enjoyed it but I think it needed a little tweaking to move it up the scale.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Clever title. Very sad and tragic.

Story: Good sketch. Would love for the story to be "filled out" some more. (It's hard in an one-pager.)

Formatting: Very good except for some minor nit-picks below.

Dialogue: All V.O.

Nit-picking: Period after "sofa" and "FADE OUT". (V.O.) and not (V.O)


Rating: Very good.

Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I really liked it. I think it's a great idea. However I think you could work on visuals. The opening of him sitting on a sofa doing nothing followed by a chunk of VO is not so good. I wish you rethink that opening and rewrite. Overall it's a VG from me!

Kirk White (Level 5)

this is a killer (no pun intended) idea and will make a great short. as it reads now, it's a bit narration heavy and I'd rather just see more than have him tell me about it but that's not a deal breaker and could probably be fixed with a rewrite. giving a good

Kisha King (Level 4)

I really like the story. It is sad but a true story and it comes together really good in one page. I really like how you never say the disease. I really like the flow and the mystery of the story. It just seems like everything comes together and you end the story perfectly.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Controversial material. It's really interesting that Frank ends up being both the protagonist and the antagonist, whether intentional or not.
Did wonder whether Frank's last dialogue should be trimmed a little to omit, "Safety is paramount," since he contradicts that line immediately after with, "Sometimes they'll leak..."
The title is a perfect fit.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Good title.

The formatting is good. Spelling is good as well. You missed a period after "sofa" in the beginning.

Wow. This is disturbing. I want to talk sense to Frank. I want to shake him and make him tell me how he's logically come to this point. I'm pretty sure that means you accomplished what you intended. Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is interesting, and I believe does actually happen.

However, I think you can't really get into the complex motivations behind behavior like this in one page. It's why you end up using the voice-over to tell us information instead of showing it and letting us figure it out on our own.

Good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

what a bloody title :) I love the title..when I read the title I imagine something
bloody, rough and chaos.. :)
I like the story although first time I don't get the meaning

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

The title has me thinking some sort of death game, and that type of roulette always deals with blood.

A very disturbing story. The content is disgusting.

Keep your verbs in the present tense - closing the door should be closes the door; kissing should be kisses; tearing; staring; grinning; etc..

The action line when Frank leaves the apartment seems to be missing words. Did you leave them out to save space? It doesn't look like you needed to.

So a guy feels sorry for himself, for the trouble he got himself into, and he's taking it out on others indiscriminately. It's hard to have sympathy for a character like that.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Talk about an anti-hero!!

Not quite sure what to say, feels very angry - it's a tough thing to read, that anyone would do that because of what happened to them. Pretty harsh.

Well written.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

A very mysterious story. Not clear, does he have AIDS or something? Is he trying to infect other men? If so, why? Seems like a dark story. I don't think I fully get it. If you pierce a condom doesn't it break when you put it on? You use the word "leak". I'm not an expert in this.
Another dislike is the use of V.O. The reason why V.O.'s are often avoided, they make the audience sleepy.
The writing itself is fine, didn't notice any errors.

Paul W. Franklin (Level 1)

Not entirely sure what to make of this script, as I'm not a big van of VO, I think it's a lazy way to tell a story, but just when you think this is yet another tale of sorrow from someone's past (death of a family member or whatever), it's about a guy serving his bitter revenge on the world. Which is pretty cool.
2.5/5.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's a succinct and terrible story of this guy whose anger leads him to potentially take people with him. I'm not sure if obscuring the disease entirely works (I'm presuming AIDS) but Frank's monologue flows well enough, only waxing a little poetic by the end, when he talks about the "blood roulette". (The extra analogy isn't exactly necessary, since Russian Roulette is exactly what he's doing, in effect.)

I can't exactly figure his angle, or his delivery mechanism. He pokes holes in condoms with needles, but then the wrappers appear intact, and he claims that "safety is paramount". Saying that "sometimes they'll leak" isn't necessary - I assume they all leak, and the roulette is whether his lovers contract the disease or not. The condom is just to lull the mark into security.

It's well executed, but with a little trim, it could be close to perfect.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

I'm assuming he's putting holes in those condoms?

I'm not a big fan of the V.O., especially when it's really blocky like the ones in this short.

The story is easy enough to understand but Frank's not a very likable guy with the stunt he's playing. Decent effort.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

So a homosexual man engages sexual intercourse with his partner for the first time, then he risks his chances but fears that the partner may have an STD or something. It does have some conflict. The title “Roulette,” does fit along in the screenplay. I didn’t notice anything wrong story wise.

The dialogue is nice and neat. It’s natural with a flavor of subtext. I did read this many times to make sure I understand this, and I did.

His character motivation to sleep with his partner for the first time was hard to figure out at first. I guess you are leaving us with an imagination to fill that out on our own.

The action lines are tight and I have not notice any grammar errors for formatting errors. The writing is economic and everything looks lean.

Overall, I just don’t know if the story has enough conflict to hold our audience’s attention. If we were to watch this movie, some of the audience would enjoy it, while others would expect more. But that doesn’t really bother me.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I had trouble with this one. It was a bit surreal and I think that was intended but I never got the sense of a beginning, middle and end. Frank had no arc and I wanted something more, ether motivation or resolution. Still, there was a 'feel' and I could easily picture the action as described. It's good writing but the material might be better suited for a longer script challenge.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

The dark mind addicted to drama. Love the mood and tension in this.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

When I read a script, either short short like this one, or longer, I look forward to a good story and that I am touched in some way by it. This story was pretty generic, really there was no story, it was just Frank talking about his sex life, and how he goes out partying and tries to infect people. It just left me wondering why tell this story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Very good story. Well written, and a lot of impact in one page.

Frank is clearly a sociopath, and your story gives us a very powerful glimpse of his anti-social behavior and Frank's own self-delusional justification for it. Great job.

Also, I love the term "designer stubble".

My score: Very Good.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

This story had me confused. The main idea didn't make a lot of sense to me. I mean, the idea itself is clear as day but it's the actual plot that makes no sense. In your very first sentence, you had no period. In your second collection of prose, you have an orphan which isn't a big deal in a feature but every line is precious in a one-pager. In your third collection of prose, it goes for five lines which is too long for my eyes. If I can avoid it, I don't even like to see three lines.

The story was pretty weak, in my opinion, and I wasn't vaguely amused, surprised or interested.

Poor.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

Well written and disturbing, and you've managed to infer quite a lot with such little space. I think a good actor could really get across Frank's complicated anger and frustration with the right looks. Maybe more than one page is needed to flesh out the characters motivations and what not, but it's effective as it is.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

The concept is interesting, but the execution leaves me cold. The VO explaining everything turned me off, and there was little for me to connect with the protagonist.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Excellent.

Unless I am wrong, this is based on "Patient Zero" for HIV/AIDS.

Very realistic and well done. Probably gonna place with this one.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

This is the start to a tale, but it's also extremely similar to a story in Joseph Michael Linsner's "Cry for Dawn" comment. The only difference is that the man went for women in the story.

Furthermore, the voice over is pretty heavy-handed.

Comments Made After the Contest

Marc Jensen (Level 2) ~ 8/1/2012 11:20 AM

A lot to consider and a lot I agree with. Thanks everyone. I really felt like I'd wasted a submission with this one. I hated it and dreaded the feedback. I don't like the script at all. It's flat and clumsy, and just doesn't really flow as a story to me. The cliched AIDs-riddled gay man was a terrible idea but just somewhere it naturally went. Just awful - I'll see what I can do in the rewrite. If I'd have been reviewing this, I'd been a lot harsher than some of you have been.

There are a few weird niggles some of you have that make me feel like I need to describe the physical properties of condoms. A tiny, thin sewing needle is going to only create tiny holes and in random points through the condoms. It also means that there's no way of seeing the holes in the wrappers unless they're closely examined. They're not being slashed; they're being pricked. No reason for them to tear. They won't all leak, which is why some people will be unaffected and never know of the danger they faced.

I'm pleased a lot of people understand the content and, for the people that don't understand certain details, I don't really know where to begin explaining.

Annoyingly, as some you have suggested to me, I originally had the opening as a close-up on the condoms and his hand piercing them but then changed it. I'm hoping to make the next draft a little more textured and characterful. I'm working on a rewrite now and it shouldn't take much longer to sort. Will upload soon.

Thanks all for you feedback!