Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I had a hard time figuring out what this story was about... You told things visually, at least as far as I can tell. The blue baby quilt was for other parents who lost their child, and Karen and Greg didn't lose their child. She was making a baby quilt, just not for her own child. If I understand it correctly... Kind of a slice of life, something happens, you tell us about it, but there is no real change.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title.

The opening of your bedroom scene lacks a description. I'm left to my own devices to visualize the room.

It's a somber tale, but the ending would have more impact if I understood the relationship between Karen and the grieving parents. It would also help me understand Karen's motivation for making the quilt.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

A sad tale alas not wholly clear to me.

I assume the misdirection is that we assume the quilt is for their boy when in fact she has made it for the church service of the other family. Yet I am not sure about why the next one is pink.

I also wasn't sure about what period this is as it has the feel of an older age, quaint house, sewing machine, lamp light.

good effort.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Okay, I'm really lost. So, was the baby dead from the beginning? Also, is Michael another baby boy? And why the pink at the end if she's holding Michael? So many questions. The writing and the format show some real kill, but the execution of the story just came up short.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Not quite sure about the predominantly pink quilt at the end. Did they have a baby girl who died?

Still, this was a good and moving story.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

After reading this I thought how much potential this story has. However, the way it was written left me scratching the ole noggin wondering whether I got it. The wife made a quilt for another couple? Did Greg and Karen have twins and the daughter died? I just struggled to get the gist of it. It would be an interesting yarn (bad pun intentional)but needs some clarity.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Great writing.

Okay, so why the deception? It only lasts maybe 15 seconds before we see baby blue's parents and realize-- oh. But what do you gain?
--shock? going from baby quilts to church is unexpected (and foreboding) on it's own. --relief? because it's still a dead baby in that casket.
--suspense? I think you have that going for you when we see the blue quilt-- she's making it with a babe in the crib-- that's odd (and if we see the pink quilt, and baby girl-- gets us thinking well look whose expecting baby blue)
--confusion? this is what you got from me, and anger (how dare you skip over the circumstances)

Dialogue. I say cut the coffee talk. It doesn't help explain or skew our perspective of the scene; wasted words.

VERY GOOD. I felt the 'twist' was forced-- it was a natural enough shocker that the handling of baby girl created more confusion than emotion to the story.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This is very well written but is completely depressing! I guess the purpose was to get emotion into it and that worked very well. But I don't think using the death of a child is the best way to do it. I don't understand the connection between Karen and Michael and the parents of the child in the church.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Wow. Newbies take note. This is how you do it.

Excellent on all counts.

Love the title.
The reveal at the church is jaw-droppingly sad, unexpected, and very real.
Love the last sentence. So sad.

This could very well be the winner.
Deservedly so.

David Serra (Level 4)

I had to read this over a couple times til I fully understood what was going on.

Very emotional and tragic. Well-written and setup with a fierce and focused plot.

Excellent.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

I feel like there is something really good here, but I really didn't get it. I tried reading it several times.

Ok, so Michael didn't die, but why is there suddenly a predominantly pink quilt hanging in his room?

I'm going to feel REALLY stupid when this contest ends and this is explained to me. But I feel like there's something GREAT here, but I can't quite wrap my head around it. It's a GOOD from me.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Nice work, you have a real talent with words and managed to paint a very nice picture with such limited space. The only things I would mention are 1) As soon as I saw that the next scene was in a church the ending became pretty predictable. 2) I really don't understand the significance of the pink baby blanket at the end. But those two details are really just nit picking. Again, you have a great talent for words, great job!

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

I was touched by the story. The story flowed smoothly, dialogue was great, details were great a well written script in such a short time. I enjoyed reading.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

I liked this. It was subtly constructed perhaps not the strongest of stories, but it was still executed well and with purpose. There could have been more dramatic tension, but technically the script was solid and the dialogue was good.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

So, what was this? I don't get it, and as an audience I never hear the words, predominantly blue. So the whole thing is really lost on me. A woman makes a quilt for a dead baby? How is that a story? It must be me, really, I just don't get it. Sorry. (I gave it a good anyway)

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Sad story and well written but I think it could have used some conflict in the middle of the story.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A brilliant piece of writing that had a clarity to it like looking throuugh a glass of water. Minimum of dialogue and a moving intelligent storyline that took some thinking to put all the pieces together. Excellent. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

GOOD! Try introducing characters at the beginning of a paragraph, it's simple, clarifies, and helps flow. If desired, the two exterior scenes may be cut without changing the tone or story.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - I like the title especially the double meaning of blue.
Craft - your is flawless.
Dialogue - the dialogue is limited but what is there is fine.
Action lines - your action lines are very good. I especially liked "White wood structure surrounded by trees". Simple, yet paints a clear picture.
Story - If I understand it, the funeral they went to inspired them to have another child. I know it is tough in one page but that should be clear.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Hmmm! "Predominantly Blue." Well, cool but i don't see the contest name (More of less is more) captured in the story. And why use "Predominantly Pink" at the end or is it that the blue faded into pink with time? If not, then I think it distracts the meaning and gives no support to the title of your script.
Anyway, good job. Congrats!

Javier Ordonez (Level 2)

The technical structure is great: broken up well into short paragraphs, paced adequately for a quietly contemplative piece. The level of detail is exactly what you’d need in this microcosmic format. Hell, on merit of professionalism alone, it starts out at a Very Good.

The story is tidy, emotional, and resonant. It’s a good choice for a one-page script because it immediately evokes emotions with which the audience is familiar either through experience or osmosis. The one thing that would clinch it, that would really bring it into Excellent territory would be some personal reflection and change. I would scrap the interaction with the husband (which is nice but doesn’t push anything in the story forward) and include something that demonstrates Karen’s fears for her child -- perhaps he’s sick, stricken with the dozens of things that plague babies -- to set up some kind of change of character that she undergoes. Maybe she doesn’t feel motherly, has trouble nursing or carrying him, and after the funeral, she finds herself unable to stop holding him close. Some kind of particular change would really push it to the next level and maximize the careful potential that’s been set up.

Great job overall!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Hm... I'm not sure what the message is here. My first impression, which I KNOW can't be true, was, "thank God it was their kid and not mine". I came to that conclusion because you made us believe that Karen was sewing the blanket for her child, and then you showed a child at a funeral, so I would only assume her child died somehow. But then you reveal that it was another couple's child, and Karen's baby girl is safe in bed.

Why focus on Karen in the first place? How did she push this tragic story forward. It's as if the writer wanted to say "You thought Karen's baby was dead, but instead, it's another couple's baby"

I have to wonder, why are we routing for Karen in the first place? Why are we so relieved that her baby is alive, but not the other parent's?

And sewing in a room with a baby sleeping seems odd. Maybe people do it though. It just stood out.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I gave this story a high mark for being emotionally resonant, but not pandering too far down that rabbit hole. It was a good story with just enough of a twist to keep it fresh. One of the best I've read recently and it was handled very professionally.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 6
Story: 5
Originality: 7
Action: 6
Dialogue: 5
Readability: 5

There wasn't anything wrong with this one but it was just average. I'm not sure what the pink quilt was about. I'm guessing a dead baby girl. This needed more clarity.

Joseph Conway (Level 2)

Good but I really didn't get the punch (I never seem to get them on this sight).

Nice language, the script reads like a great novel. In fact I love it simply for your use of words alone.

Keep up the good work.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Beautifully written and very touching. My second Excellent of this entire contest (so far thus.)

Formatting: Flawless. No errors detected.

Dialogue: Incredible how two lines of dialogue convey so much about this couple.

Nit-picking: None.

Rating: Excellent.

Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

At first you show Karen making a blue blanket for someone's baby.
Then that baby is in a casket, covered by that blanket.
Then Karen holds her son, Michael.
That's clear.

I didn't understand the last line with the "predominantly pink" blanket hanging on a wall behind Karen. I think there's some deep meaning to it.

Good entry, I think.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this is a solid story but as it READS it's a bit unclear. I'm sure when filmed it will be understandable but I had to re-read a few times to make sure I understood what was going on. I love the payoff at the end with the pink quilt...it shows so much about Karen: her history and her character.

giving a very good but with a rewrite for absolute clarity, this will be excellent.

Kisha King (Level 4)

OMG
What a sad story. Why babies? I am almost in tears. This is a really good story I had to read it twice. This is really so good. I like the flow of the story and the twist and a retwist then you twist it around again. This is just so good! GOOD LUCK

Marc Jensen (Level 2)

A script that requires the reader to think through what's happening rather than just follow events linearly. It's well-written and competently sets the scenes and tone.

It's enjoyable that even props, such as the rocking chair, that are mentioned are done so because they reappear later and create a familiarity quickly, especially so when limited to one page, which is a effective.

I'm left with a cosy, reassuring, yet a slightly sombre feeling after reading this. I feel aware of a vulnerability, and a sense of bitter-sweet.

It all fits cleanly onto a single page, without feeling like its cut short or filled-out in any way - definitely works a single page script.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I'm not really sure if you're using the baby color scheme (blue for boys, pink for girls) or not.

The title isn't that great. "Predominantly" is a clumsy word, too formal for this script.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Like the story, although first time it was confuse me a bit
about the ending. Well, for one page story it is good
It was well written, formatting was good also.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I like the title.

My first thought is that this will score highly. The only thing I would correct is the word "wearing" - just say "...shirtless in pajama bottoms", and "one-year-old..." and just put the age in parentheses (1).

It was an emotionally moving story. You set a great mood with wonderful descriptions.

What is the significance of the pink quilt? Another death? Karen is pregnant?

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I think the story was told well. I like the title.
I am not 100% sure what happened here though. Obviously Karen has sacrificed the blue quilt for the dead child, but where did the pink quilt come from?
I think when filming this, you might need to add something to reinforce that the baby in the crib is a boy. Maybe "Michael" on his crib or the father saying "is Michael asleep?" otherwise, the visual might not be obvious enough to pick up on the pink quilt at the end.
Good Job

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

What a great title. I can't believe how you made so much story in one page - and with a fair amount of white space, too. Pretty impressive.

I'm not sure I get the ending, but maybe they lost a baby girl in the past? It's not very clear, but I'm gonna go with that so I can give you an excellent. Nice work!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is well written and the title works very well and you manage to convey a full story rather than a sketch but I'm afraid I found it totally predictable - it feels like this story has been done so many times on MoviePoet.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

It feels like the beginning is too detailed. She clips threads, he asks if she wants tea, etc. Then, when it's interesting (at the church), you kind of lumped everything and ended without any explanations. I was left with questions. She has a pink quilt, does that mean they go to another funeral? Who are these kids/babies and why is she making quilts for them? Does she know their parents? Is she personally related to these deaths? Does she feel guilty of something? Did her other baby die long time ago? What is going on? Not much information to chew on.
It could be an interesting story, it just needs more detail, more explanation. One page, perhaps, is not enough to cover it all. The title is interesting. The writing itself is good, I don't see any errors.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is a solid story, with a very good surprise and genuine character. You do an excellent job of highlighting a parent's dread of something that could happen to their own, even if it hasn't.

If anything, I can't understand the blue/pink blanket motive, which is problematic because it's the name of the entire piece. It would be enough to say she's knitted a second blue blanket, but since pink and blue are (annoyingly) associated in modern days with girls and boys, it feels like some gender statement or confusion is going on. I'm going to assume the punchline is that Michael's blanket is not the dead boy's blanket, and that's it. But that's not necessarily enough to draw attention to its blueness in the title of the piece.

Nitpick aside, this is excellent.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

It's an effective simple visual story. I like that it makes us expect the worst then twists both ways towards its end.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

I was a confused on the sequence of events. Maybe it's just me. I think Greg and Karen had a baby that used to wear a quilt that wore pink? Possibly a girl.

Then she cries in the church when they see another baby's death because she's experienced the same thing?

The formatting is good, but I'm not too sure about the story.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

So Karen’s baby dies? But it can’t be Michael because he’s asleep at the end of the movie. I’m afraid that I don’t understand what the story is supposed to be about. Did she make the quilt for somebody else’s baby? I got confused when they went to the church for someone else’s baby. I don’t know. This story don’t seem to have a sense of conflict. I think with a rewrite, it would turn out better. And it would be better if we could clear up the confusion unless I’m missing something.

The dialogue rings true for Greg and Karen. But I’m not sure why Greg asked that question because it isn’t integral to the plot.

The action lines reads naturally. I just wish you could give us a little bit more details on Lauran’s visit to the church. I think the description about Little Michael would clear this up, especially with better description.

I don’t know what is the characters’ motivation to visit the church are. But it is touching for Laura to make a quilt for someone else’s baby. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I could identify with these characters because I haven’t spent enough time with them, and I still don’t know who Laura and Greg are.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Nice, touching story, neatly presented. My only comment is the unnecessary descriptions. We don't need to know that Karen has mussed hair or that Greg is shirtless. The time and situation give enough information and white space is good even in a one page script. Nice piece and that works well with visuals. Good luck.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Wow, deep. A perfect visual you laid out. Very nice. :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very sweet script and story. I really enjoyed it. I liked the ending, you managed to really tell a good story on only one page. I gave you an excellent. Thanks for submitting this.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A very sad story, to be sure. But it's kind of a thin story, too. I think it needs more.

The whole story seems to be this: Someone's baby died. Karen made a quilt for him.

I wasn't quite sure how to interpret the end, but that might add one more element to the story -- Karen was making a blue quilt for her own baby, Michael, but because the other baby died she sacrificed the blue quilt, and so the pink quilt still hangs behind Michael. Again, this is very touching, a wonderful gesture, but the story still needs more.

A story like this is designed to do one thing -- tug at our heartstrings. To accomplish that, it's not enough to take us to a baby's funeral and show us people with tears in their eyes. In real life, we would probably be bawling too, but we would know the people, know how nice they are, know what a horrible time they've been through, and we'd empathize with their grief. If you want to get us to that emotional level in a script, it takes more than the sight of a baby's coffin, some teary-eyed people, and a quilt. We need to be set up. Some back story or something.

Anyway, it's a well-written script, and I enjoyed reading it.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

I found this a little confusing, couldn't really grasp a concrete theme or meaning, or what exactly your intention was. It's well written, your descriptions are sharp and concise. But I'm at a loss as to what the piece actually had to say.

Sheila Curry (Level 2)

Great story.
Double sad and I want to know more...
(My rambling thoughts immediately after reading: I don't get it. Pink quilt? Is Michael a little girl? Odd name for a girl, must be a boy. -Gasp- Is this their second child, the first one, a girl, passing away as an infant? That's too sad, but makes sense.)
You left me wanting to know more, and I think that's great. I have some emotional investment with these characters and I can sense their love - for each other, for the grieving couple - and in turn, I want to know more, see them succeed and be happy.
You kept my interest straight through. I did find it odd that Karen would be sewing in the baby's room, but it didn't detract from the flow.
Great job.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Not really sure what the color of the quilt means... the pink one. Hope? Hmmm.

The story is a sad one. I do think you could have left out the establishing shot of the house and tightened up the description a LOT in order to preserve more room for more story.

Keep writing

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Beautifully written, well crafted and excellent use of format.

However, I've read this five times, and I'm sure it's me, but something got lost in translation. I understand instead of making the quilt for her son, Michael, she gave it to the family that suffered a loss. But the pink quilt at the end: Does this mean she's with child and it's a girl, or is this from her own childhood? Other than that muddiness, the sentimentality was a bit heavy.

Comments Made After the Contest

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2012 12:51 AM

One of my favorites this time KP. Well written and touching

Kelley Allen (Level 3) ~ 8/1/2012 12:57 AM

I'm gobsmacked that this one didn't placed. It's my favorite of this month. So delicately written and haunting - I was thinking about your script days after I read it.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 1:19 AM

Oh my gosh Sally and Kelley!
Thank you so much for your comments and selecting my short as a favorite. Your kindness really means the world to me.

I appreciate everyone's feedback.
Bit disappointed that I managed to confuse some people.

The idea is that Karen is sewing a boy's "blue" quilt for the couple who lost their baby boy. Her sadness in church is supposed to suggest that she is partially reliving losing her baby girl.
Michael in the crib in blue is a deliberate (I hoped) mislead.
The crux was supposed to be the last line where the "pink" quilt, hanging on a wall not in the crib, is supposed to reveal that Karen and Greg had lost a baby girl of their own. Karen made the pink quilt in her time of loss, and made a blue one for the grieving couple.

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 2:28 AM

KP
This was so emotional. Beautifully done. Wonderful writing.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 1:36 PM

KP - I gave this a VG and really expected it would be one of the top entries. It should have been.

The quilt on the wall in the end confused me. I thought it might signify another death or another pregnancy, so at least you had me going in the right direction. It's tough to figure out how to present that reveal at the end of yours when you're limited to the one page.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 5:24 PM

I thought this was a very emotional story, beautifully written.
However, the pink quilt sort of completely disoriented me, suggesting many possibilities. Maybe if there was a picture of them and their baby girl on the mental, this way we'd know they have had another baby before. Maybe it was a premature baby in an intensive care unit with all kinds of IVs plugged in or something (on the picture), this way it would hint the baby was sick, etc. Because just saying a pink blankie hangs behind her might just suggest she already made another one for the next funeral. I hope my notes help.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 6:06 PM

Wow guys...
Let me add a huge "thank you" to David, Matt, and Olga for your encouragement.
Your suggestions are terrific, as usual.

Olga, you may have found the key I was missing. A simple picture of Karen, Greg, and a baby girl beneath the pink quilt might have helped with the confusion.

Thanks so much!

Olga Tremaine (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 7:38 PM

I meant "mantel" not "mental" LOL lol

I'm glad you liked my input. It's easy to fix!

Christina Anderson (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 7:50 PM

A second suggestion, what if the quilt was a memorial and had the baby's name and birth/death dates on it?

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 10:06 PM

Olga --
I knew you meant mantel... :)

Christina --
Another good idea. Should have inserted something else visual; no doubt it would have helped the story.

Thanks!

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 10/22/2012 10:35 AM

So...so Sad. We had a friend lose a small child 3 years ago and we went to the funeral. One of the worst things I ever been apart of in my life. This shows the lows and highs of parenting in just one page. If I were not so close to those people I would ask to shoot this...but I cannot. I hope someone does sometime, but it is such a sad story. By the way it is Great! :)

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 10/22/2012 10:14 PM

RK --
It was a pleasant surprise to discover that someone like you takes the time to read my short after the contest.
Your comments are thoughtful and sincere, and I truly appreciate them, especially since I am such a fan of your films. Great? I don't know, but I'll accept the praise, humbly, to help me get through my script for next month's contest. Thanks so much! :)

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's child. I have three boys, and the thought of anything happening to them at any age is unbearable. This story was difficult for me to write, but I am glad that it touched you.