Comments Made During the Contest

Amanda Mallory (Level 0)

Super cool! I love paradoxes! This is a great one too because it is powered by LOVE!

I hope one day one of them figures out what's been happening because it is really sad. I also love the kind of visual metaphor of the ring, it goes in a circle just like their lives now- I think this would make a great feature- where one of them figures it out and strives in different ways to change it? Good job.

Arsenij Voitko (Level 2)

Their curse is even worse than we see in the beginning. Not only one of them dies in a car crash, they will eternally die in it. Nothing could be worse? He has no idea. Nice.

How do we know they are Americans? How would the viewers know that? The crash paragraph is kind of big, but I think it works. Maybe it could work a bit better separated into two-three smaller ones, but this is up to you.

One thing I had in mind after reading it, perhaps there’s some sort of sign, like a flash, when they “appear” in the car? Then, right before we first see her die, we see this sign, but don’t understand it. Yet.

The evil irony of it put a sad smile on my face. Vicious circle, indeed. Nice work.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Haha! That is a cool twist to time travel! Combine it with love, two lovers willing to sacrifice their lives. Great idea!!!

You managed to squeeze in little details like the foreboding dialogue "Marry in May, rue the day!". And love how you have the winding roads they travel as newlyweds as a metaphor for the life ahead of them, tour bus crash. Symbolic, metafor of what can happen in real life. Efficient visual storytelling.

I don't know what else to say, good idea executed really well. I'm voting EXCELLENT.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your six line paragraph in the second scene should be broken into several lines. Treat each action paragraph or line as its own camera shot. Condensing lines does save on the page count for the purpose of the contest, but your second scene is powerful. If you rewrite, consider expanding the second scene to an entire page.

"He holds Jessica's claddagh wedding ring". Be careful with pronouns. You have two male actors in this scene and either could be holding the ring.

Your flashback needs to be its own scene with a header.

I like your ending. It has a ying and yang feel to it. Michael and Jessica are doomed to a circle of tragedy.

I'm unsure of the elderly lady. The accident can stand on its own merit without need for superstition.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Quite a lot for one page which you could tell by the large paragraph describing the crash. Too much story?

Maybe you could have shorten this by starting with a montage, as he enters the room to go back, although i liked the foreshadow of the old lady.

Otherwise a nice tale of wanting to change things but the unintended consequences of doing so.

all the best

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Nice little twist. The things people do for love. I would suggest that the paragraph be broken up or shortened to three sentences. The Old Lady in the beginning for whatever reason reminded me of MacBeth. It wasn't bad, and I enjoyed. Good job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I can't quite understand why he waited for thirty years to do this!

it's a good story but perhaps a bit much to squash into one page?

Chris Setten (Level 4)

A very cool idea with a clever tension builder in the middle of it. I also think the twist is well conceiverd although I'm struggling a bit with what I should take away from this. I also think that these are some very selfish people but I get their motivation.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Hopefully, she'll be smart enough to go back a little farther and hire a driver!

Tell me, how important is it to say 'a beautiful day' and we can't tell yet they're Americans -- wasted words. wasted space.

Never a fan of blocks of text; they are rarely cinematic-- it's one long sequence of events, but like 13 shots. For instance: Shot 1. Driving on wrong side of road. Shot 2. Inside car, lovebirds lost in each other's eyes Shot 3. Oh, no, a bus!-- you get my drift. Technically they could get their own sluglines, but at the very least, the aught to be given their own line.

GOOD. premise ok. writing satisfactory-- tells the tale, but not visually oriented.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

I thought this was excellent. A complete story in one page. I like that you let the reader fill in the blanks which is a great technique for a short script. For example, the title did not make sense to me until the last line of the script. Good luck!

I reread this after I finished all the scripts and I like it even more. It is my pick for the winner and the only one I rated as excellent.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Nice simple story. That’s a compliment by the way. I think some of the action lines could be shortened or edited to tighten what already is a fairly tight script. It’s especially interesting that there are four time periods with the script yet it was done on a single page. As I sit and think about the story I realize that I can tell the story to someone else in a quick and easy way. That to me is a sign of a story well told.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Okay, Caroline, help me with this.

I know you have to drive on the left in the U.K. But aren't steering wheels on the right side of the car? If Michael drives on the right side and swerves left, isn't he the one who should be dead?

But of course, even if I'm wrong, would Michael time travel back to the accident knowing what he knows and make the same mistake?
He has four choices. Kill his wife again. Kill himself. Drive on the left and avoid the accident. Stay in the hotel and have sexy time.

Hopefully when Jessica goes back in time, she'll be smarter than Michael.

David Serra (Level 4)

Oh man, that was intense, in a good way.

I could totally see this as a short film and the conflict was pure and simplly great.

I liked the moral of the story here, simple yet effective.

Bumped to Excellent.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This was interesting and had a lot of story for one page. I enjoyed it. I think it should do well.

The writing was clean and easy to follow.

Good luck.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Vicious circle indeed. I liked this story, although it started off pretty generic. I think this could be really good if turned into a larger piece.

"she mouths the words "I love you" to Michael and dies." -- this sentence could use to be re-worded better since her dying is a big part of the story. Make it more visual opposed to just saying she dies.

Your action lines are way too long to.

Still a good job, well done!

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Really well written, nice creative story too. The title fits the story well. You managed to squeeze a lot of depth into one page, its a bit of a thinker... I actually enjoyed it even more after reading it a second time, because that's when it dawned on me that the
"first crash" might not have been the "first crash"... I don't even know for sure if you really intended that or not but there is nothing to make me think it isn't a possibility. Nothing here that I could really recommend changing so Great job!

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

Your structure of the story was very good. The title of the script was relevant, but didn't give away too much. Format could have been a little better, but that's probably just a reflection of trying to fit it all onto the one page; so the dialogue of Jessica (because it's mouthed) has been put in an action line.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This one earned an excellent from me. Great writing and a nice approach to time travel.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

It is truly amazing just how much you were able to pack into one page. Excellent work.
A flashforward, a flashback and yet another return to the present. And an engaging story to boot. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

I admired the way time travel was shown to us -- not explained. Consider if the story needs to be at the castle. No, scratch that. The castle shows how much strength of their love. Not sure if the elderly woman is needed. A beginning, middle and ending.

VERY GOOD!

Hafsah Mijinyawa (Level 2)

Pretty brilliant twist! The only thing that took me a tiny bit out of it was Michael suddenly being led into a "machine" within the office building. Unless I should infer that the machine is in the office. As a one page challenge though, it doesn't matter too much and the idea still comes across.

Overall, very very nice work.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Another romantic story. Anyway, i enjoyed reading it. Self-sacrificing love between Michael and Jessica. This hardly happens in real life, but on paper, I accept.

What did the elderly woman meant by "Marry in May, rue the day?" A bit of clarity was needed here in your story.

Well done.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"Pelted with rice" - that sounds like it hurts. You may want to change the word "pelted"

You shouldn't have told us he was on the right side until the bus came. Then we would be shocked.

When she mouthed the words, I kind of chuckled. It just seemed so overly dramatic. She would cough up blood or something. I know that's not the vibe you are going for, but the way you went was too much in my opinion.

Why did he think that would be a better choice? Now she has to suffer without him.

But my biggest question, and probably everyone else's, why didn't he go back BEFORE the accident and avoid it all?

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

A great story with a fitting title. I won't type much because I felt this script was flawless. I was totally on board from the first line to the last. It was gripping and powerful and works as well as a one page as it would have with 5 pages or 50. Amazing job.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

This was realy good. Great job of getting it onto oe page. Great ending. A nice twist which lot of people would think they would expect, but don't. Very well written.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Ironic story about two lovers. Good idea but it seems a bit rushed for an one-pager.

Story: I really like the story. Has a lot of potential. However, there's just way too much here to jam into an one-pager.

Formatting: Good. However, there were a few moments that would be better suited on its one line. For example, the car crash should be emphasized and placed on it's own line.

Dialogue: Richard's lines were a bit long, eating away at precious space.

Characters: Good.

Nit-picking: This would be a great five-pager.

Rating: Good

Good luck and keep writing!

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I really liked this script! I loved the revolving cycle you take with this story; it really gives the impression that these two, doomed lovers, are destined to do this over and over again. It's haunting, yet also funny.

I guess it takes 30 years before the time travel technology is available? At first, I was a bit hesitant to see that you jumped ahead 30 years in a single page story, but you managed to pull it off and make the time jump work to your advantage. My only recommendation would be to clean up your wording in your descriptions. It's a little bit too wordy. Overall, I really enjoyed this script!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think the idea is great but not for a onepager.

Somehow the end sounds comedic to me, not sure why. I understand it should come off as terribly romantic but it doesn't to me.

I think you need more pages to steer us away from guessing the ending. Otherwise I kind of saw it when reached the middle of it. Enjoyed it anyway, thanks.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this works. it's a sad, haunting piece that delivers on its promise. I love your open-ended and slightly ambiguous ending. I can see it being a very solid film.

giving a very good

Kisha King (Level 4)

I really like this story. It's sad, it's funny... I'm not sure if I suppose to be laughing. The whole story is great but I think you could of done without the eldely woman but I am so glad you put her in because she is awesome in the story and at the end of the story I refered back to her. I think this was a great idea for Still More of Less is More.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific story in one page. Particularly fond of open-ended conclusions -- the story that keeps on giving.
Maybe speed up the read a bit by trimming some of the lengthier lines. "A sunny day" is probably sufficient information. "Ring of Kerry" is an interesting location, but the accident might take place on any curvy road; the specific road in Ireland may not be familiar to everyone. The accident may have even more impact if the description is amended to brief four or five word lines, one following another.
Wonder if the Elderly Woman and her prophecy are needed. It may spoil the surprise a little, and the story is still poignant without her.
The title is memorable, a perfect fit.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like that you've told a complete story in just a page, and the ending is great. I guess it fixes the "Grandfather paradox" - that if Michael returned to the past and caused his younger self to die, he would be go back in the first place. Here, time is more of a self-correcting stream, with an almost pre-destined course of events.

Very good.

Mary Krell Oishi (Level 1)

Wow, what a twist! In such a short piece to get so many complex ideas into one script. It makes me wonder will the wife find this same path and come back. Why didn't the husband not drive down the road on his return? I did wonder, though, the reason for the elderly woman in the story. I liked her line, but I was wondering what purpose she served moving the story forward. Or maybe I missed something? Whatever. I liked it and could completely see this being made into a film!

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

WOW!
Its really great!
Nothing to say just my "Excellent" vote for it,
Congratulation
I really love it!
Just a question:
How you will show that they are going to the cheers of
friends and family?

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

The title works fine.

This was an interesting story. It looks like you overloaded the lines in the opening action sequence to get everything to fit on one page. In my opinion, you could have cut down on the description there without losing any of the meaning.

A couple of technical thoughts:
- How do we know that Michael and Jessica are newly married?
- ...the happy couple scurries (couple is a singular word)
- Omit "suddenly"
- How do we know Richard Day is the CEO of Redress and is adding that information critical to the story? I don't think so. Either introduce his title through a door sign or nameplate on the desk, or omit it.

Overall, it was a fun read.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This is pretty good. It seems unbelieveable to me that one would forget to drive on the correct side of the road for the short time that they are visiting a foreign country, but I it probably happens all the time. But more than that, I'm afraid it's near impossible to be original with the circular time warp story.

You did a good job with the one page challenge, though.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

You pack a lot into this, well done. Some dense action lines in places to manage this though.

I would liked to have more of a sense of character, I know it's tough in this challenge, to make the ending more impactful.

Still, very good.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

You open with "newly wed americans" - how do we know they're americans? They have american faces? Are they dressed american?
It's an interesting story. It is indeed a vicious circle! Maybe next time when one of them goes back in the past he insists on not taking a car and avoid the car accident at all?

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I like the idea of the eternal loop - Michael and Jessica forever trying to save each other. The old soothsayer at the beginning adds a nice touch, although I have to admit I thought it was funnier than ominous. (What if the old woman was from the future? DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?)

The major issue is that this feels like it needed more space, and you squished everything together to make it fit on one page. Nowhere is this more evident than in the car crash sequences, where what would ordinarily be lingered over for a couple of paragraphs goes from leaving church to truck to bang to they're lying on their sides bleeding to I love you to she dies. It doesn't read much better than the sentence I just wrote - too many things right on top of each other. Moreover, all we get of the time machine is that - he walks into "a machine". What kind? A toaster? A DeLorian? A Police box? (All classic time machines.)

The rushed feeling ruins it a bit, but the idea is good, and with some expansion, it could really fly.

R. L. Robinson (Level 3)

Horrible accidents are never to be forgotten and we all dream to change one event or another that has taken place in our lives and pasts. You do well to capsulate how long a person will go on carrying said pain and or trying to ease it.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

That is one bitter old lady. I'm wondering how she got there in the first place. The Ring of Kerry action lines reads like a paragraph, but I think it has to do with the length limitations.

The title does give a strong hint of what's gonna happen. However, I was expecting a more fantasy angle, especially with the Shakespeare-like line "Marry in May, rue the day."

Sad story and a decent effort.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

A man’s wife gets killed in an accident, and he wants to rewind time to fix the problem before it happens again, but he fails. I think this is a cool concept, but I feel this story is incomplete. Why should we care about his wife’s death? That’s the only question I have.

The action lines could be trimmed up a little bit. Other than that the action lines are executed well and I can see the picture in my head.

The dialogue isn’t that bad. Nothing I can say about the dialogue.

I wish I could spend more time with the wife, though. I can see if he was engaged to marry her until the wife dies where he comes back in time to stop his death so that he can marry her. But at the end, I think this is a good read overall.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There was a bit too much story here for a one-page challenge and I think it forced you to take a lot of liberty with format and what's put on the page. Still, there was a nice reveal and clever tie in with the title, the ring and a vicious circle. Some of the extras, such as the name of the company, weren't needed and I would have preferred to see a complete story told with regular formatting but this was an adventerous effort that could set the stage for a larger piece. Good luck.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Holy shit, maybe best to leave death well alone lol. Very good friend. :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

aww this was really good, I enjoyed it. I like how you told a clear story in just one page. Very nicely done. One of my favorites. I am not sure about the title, it doesn't seem to match. Maybe just 'Circles' would work better, the vicious part of it doesn't fit (to me)

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Good story. The "vicious circle" makes for a cool story, but not a very plausible one. Why doesn't either Michael or Jessica break the circle, and instead of alternating who gets crushed by the dashboard -- just avoid the accident altogether?

Have you seen "Prometheus"? Avoiding any spoilers, there's a scene where a couple people are running from a very big thing that is rolling toward them. They just keep running straight ahead, and the huge thing just keeps rolling after them. In my mind I was screaming, "Run sideways! Run sideways!" to get out of its path. That's similar to what I was screaming in my mind as I read your story -- "Don't go back in time and CHANGE the accident; if you're gonna go back in time AVOID the accident altogether."

Anyway, I enjoyed reading it. Great concept and great writing.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

Impressive. It actually felt like a really rich and complete story, despite being confined to one page. Obviously with a few more pages you could flesh things out a bit and spice up the characterization, and the sudden "she dies" moment is a bit jarring, but I love how coherent the story manages to be in its current form, it does feel self-contained and whole. Well done.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Way cool. Twisted little time travel tale, aptly titled. I also like anything that starts in an Irish Castle. Damn those tourists...

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Really liked this a lot. Nothing negative to say.

Very good.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

So he couldn't swerve enough to miss the bus completely? Otherwise, I like this. But do not mention the name of the company unless there is a sign for the audience to see. And I don't think we need the excessive dialogue from Richard.

Don't forget to proofread aloud for errors.

Comments Made After the Contest

Masoud Soheili (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 12:15 AM

Congratulation Greg,
I really love this one,

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2012 12:44 AM

Congratulations Greg, this was one of my favorites. Well deserved win!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 3:13 AM

Congratulations, Greg! I'm sorry to say this is one I didn't get to review, but I'll read it in the next few days.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 8/1/2012 3:14 AM

Contratulations on this, Gret. It was a fun ride in the winner's circle to see you rank this month. Keep writing!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 12:45 PM

Thank you all for your kind words. The results were a very pleasant surprise.

Chris Westfield (Level 3) ~ 8/1/2012 8:01 PM

Wow, powerful in one page.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3) ~ 8/1/2012 10:15 PM

Congratulations Greg! This was the only I rated excellent. A well deserved win!