Comments Made During the Contest

Arsenij Voitko (Level 2)

Somehow, it was a difficult read. The point of the story wasn’t really clear to me.
I kept going back and rereading every second sentence. I don’t really know what the problem is, though. For example, instead of “Suddenly a tack falls from the board as does the paper it’s
holding up. All we see on the paper is: URGENT.” Why not say, “A tack falls from the board, along with the paper it’s holding up. The paper says: URGENT.” Maybe it’s just me, but it reads easier this way.

A typo, I guess – in the sentence, “Too bad it would have certainly helped wake him up,” you need something after “too bad.” The sluglines were a bit messed up, too.

Not sure about calling him the Man – it works fine, I guess, but giving him some kind of name wouldn’t hurt, even if the viewers would have never found out about it.

You put effort into it, so congratulations! Try harder next time and you’ll surely do better!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Nice how you set up that tack, dramatic irony as we know it is there but the man doesn't, and so we're waiting for him to step on it.

Great how you then show everything happening from worms-eye view. We see him getting dressed et cetera.

Oooh scary teasing open ending as the tack lands at the end of stairs. Will some one step on it and fall?

I like this one! Giving it an EXCELLENT. Clever use of one page, very visually told, nice use of worms-eye view. It is almost as if the tack is an evil character itself in this story.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title.

Can you give "Man" a name? "Man" is a label. It's too abstract.

"right it the middle" Typo.

"(Note: Rest of the short is seen as an over the shoulder of
the tack.)" Delete this line. The director will determine the camera angles.

Needs commas.

"He is humming". Use active tense: "He hums".

I like the gradual suspense. The near misses with the tack work well.

The ending feels flat. The only conflict for "Man" is the lost paper which he quickly finds. Stepping on a tack is a pain (pun intended) but it's easily resolved with a bandage.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Something things I liked, like the simple premise of an annoying tack. Simple, sharp yet we visually can understand the situation. Liked that.

The way the story played out wasn't the best and the writing did drift into the dreaded "we see" and rather than he hums, it's he is humming. Try to avoid the ing words if possible, not always, but this is a simple case of where the writing could be sharper for it.

I liked the way it ended up at the top of the stairs, a sense of more to come but his actual standing on it didn't seem to have a payoff. Nothing happens, really.

Has potential.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Applaud. Excellent job. I love the risk and it's a fresh new idea that I can't wait to favorite. Great imagery. Great writing. Captured the one page element. Fantastic stuff.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Careful with typos! No excuse in a one-pager. Right IN the middle.

Avoid putting in comments that aren't seen on screen, like 'Too bad...' Avoid, too, saying 'we see...'

I think this would make a good little short. Amusing on screen. Do try to tighten up your writing, though.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

This was a nice, heartfelt story about a father's enduring love and an impact that lasts beyond death. One thing that confused me a bit: shouldn't the evening, aft, morn sequence be told morn, aft, evening?

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

What a dummy-- who throws a tack back on the floor after plucking it out of your foot?

The circumstances of getting the tack on the floor seem lame (can you skip it-- it's just a dropped tack? -or- the window is open, wind blows a loose tack?).

(no notes. no sentences-- this is why there is formatting)
INT. FLOOR - DAY
The tack rests point up. Man asleep in bed is seen over the tack's sharp point.

GOOD. it's not really a story on it's own. BUT it's a great visual scene for a larger scene about Man and his day.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This was different. I am not saying that it is good or bad because I do not know enough about style and format rules to be sure. But "Too bad it would have certainly helped wake him up" struck me as odd. How would that be shown on film? I like the story.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Minimal dialog is fine in a script, particularly a short script. However, the action lines then have to move the story. I found the action line to be a bit clunky. Maybe another edit would have helped. I did find what I thought was the tack’s point of view to be an interesting part of the scrip. However, again, a lot of the descriptions were not as well formed, not as screenplay like, as I would like. Still, I think the story has merit, I just wish the execution was a bit more spot on.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Ready? A TACK!

Well, I can't even give you points for originality because I just saw a scene in
Final Destination 5 where a gymnist just nearly misses stepping on an upturned screw while performing a routine on the balance beam.

What is the motivation of the tack? Revenge? Escape?

It's a fun idea, but like the tack...it doesn't go very far.

David Serra (Level 4)

This read alot like a novel then a script. Plus I don't think you need the "Note" part in the script.

Also I would of liked it if you named the Man.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

This was very cool... I really liked the ending. However, some of the side notes took me out of the story. Work on less directing too. There's a lot of He does this He does that, etc... show don't tell.

It's a Good from me.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

The note with the pov camera direction took me out of the story, I used to have a bad habit about insisting on throwing in a lot of camera direction so I understand where the need comes from, but reviewing scripts on this site has really helped me realize just how bad it actually throws off the script. Another spot that really distracted me was the line "Too bad it would have certainly helped wake him up.", these little inside jokes between the writer and the reader really aren't needed. You can't show that little joke on screen... so why would you write it in your script? Story wise, there isn't a whole lot here. Maybe if you let us know what the urgent paper was or something. As it stands now its basically just "kid steps on thumb tack" possible "kid is gonna step on thumb tack again, but this time fall down the stairs and break his neck"... but its not clear if you really meant to do that or if it was just a happy accident. I would have liked to see you save a little bit of space and set this up better and give it a better pay off.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

The action lines contain too much narrative and could be re-worked into clearer, concise lines. There were far too many sentences that start with 'he'. You need to create atmosphere without cluttering your script. The visual angle was different and was original and worked well, but instead of adding a 'note' you should format a shot angle from the POV of the tack.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I could follow this tack all day. This should be filmed, Very Good.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Well written but I find myself wondering: so what. What was the point of the story?

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Very clever and amusing with almost no dialogue at all. The chatty tone was a bit distracting but otherwise an enjoyable and easy read. I'm wondering if you would prefer to see a comic actor or a straight actor performing. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Overall, a playful feel. Interesting voice here.

GOOD

From an "every word counts" perspective:
-- If the characters name is MAN, use it like a name.
-- "We see" breaks the fourth wall.
-- "Suddenly" seldom adds anything to a sequence.
-- Hard to tell if "over the shoulder" is a joke (tacks don't have shoulders)
-- The "too bad" phrase doesn't show us anything.
-- One spoken word - doesn't seem needed
-- The word "lands" may be better as "stops"?
-- One explanation mark per occurrence!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title works for this story.
Craft - your craft is fine.
Dialogue - the dialogue too limited to comment on.
Action lines - your action lines are different. I think "Too bad it would have certainly helped wake him up" has no place in a screenplay. It is commentary that can not be filmed.
Story - I like the concept and think this could be funny on film.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Not bad. Honestly, i didn't get the message you wanted to carry across in the script. Wasn't clear enough for me to capture the Contest Name in it.
Anyway, good effort.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

There needs to be a space in between the dash in your slugline.

"is sleeping" - sleeps.

Give MAN a name. We need to care for your protagonist. What does MAN look like? DAN would have been just fine.

I think there needs to be a comma between "up" and "right".

That whole "note" description just threw me out of the story. I thought that's what the paper said at first. Very strange for you to put that, but I get what you mean.

And I'm sure you'll get a bunch of know-it-alls that will say "a tac doesn't have a shoulder" I understand it, but I don't advise it to be there. Just describe what we see, like his feet shuffling.

"too bad it would have..." we don't put things like that in screenplays. It's saying something unnecessary.

"he walks back AND past the tact again."

Okay, the ending saved this. That was hilarious.

Everything else seemed oddly paced and written in my opinion. Like, I wish the note had something to do with something. I wish it had a roll to play in everything, but it as just a prop.

Again, the ending was funny.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

It was well written and very descriptive even if the plot is really not essential. I loved the visuals and the descriptions of the action, you obviously have a talent for laying out a scene. A solid story.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I wasn't sure what to amke of this. i thought some of the narrative was in book format instead of script format, but I thought it was a unique idea; a tack with a mind and apparently, perspective of its own.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 5
Story: 2
Originality: 4
Action: 3
Dialogue: 5
Readability: 3

I don't like the line, "Too bad it would have certainly helped wake him up." A comma is missing and it really isn't necessary. There isn't much of a story here. A guy steps on a tack and then he might step on it again. The bit about the URGENT paper is wasted space.

The passive verbiage wastes valuable space. "He is humming to himself as he gets ready for the day. We can see him drop a towel, put on boxers and then some suit pants." could be written:
He hums a tune, drops his towel then puts on boxers and pants."

Scripts read smoother if you avoid using, "is" followed by a word ending in "ing".
Is sleeping = sleeps
Is humming = hums
Is throwing = throws

Joseph Conway (Level 2)

I'm afraid I didn't really 'get' this script. I just didn't understand what the tack was about or why it was important or what the pay off was.

I do however really dig your visual style though. This could be really creative if it was filmed with the many different possible camera angles of the tack.

The line:
"Note: Rest of the short is seen as an over the shoulder of the tack."

I believe there's a different way of formatting shots in a script than that, but don't hold me to it.

Lastly there is are spaces between the dash ("-" between bedroom and day).

E.g. INT. BEDROOM - DAY.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I don't know what a tack is - so looked it up - it's a stitch that holds the papers.
I didn't understand this sentence in the end "it lands bad end up again but right" - thinking you might want to reword it.
I think it would be funny if it there was more of a story. Or if it was a bit funnier. I don't know how to make it funnier with a tack but you might know better since you chose to write about it.

Kirk White (Level 5)

very clever idea and a nice visual with the "over the shoulder" shot of the tack. this will actually be quite a challenge to film...but if you land it, it'll be spectacular. I found myself wanting more of a story here...wanted to know more about the guy...and wish the tack could have been a little more integrated into the discovery of the paper. As it reads now it feels more like "okay, I showed you the tack now he has to step on the tack" throwaway gesture instead of something that is unexpected yet inevitable. The obvious choice would be to have him step on the tack and that makes him realize the paper had fallen under the bed...but I'm sure there is a better resolution than the obvious. give us that and you'll have a story to go with your genius concept!

giving a good

Kisha King (Level 4)

I like the story but I think you gave away too much of the story at the beginning. Throughout the story I was waiting for this accident to happen which seem very minor because at the end you set up a big accident to happen that we don't get to read. I wish you would of made space for the second one.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A funny story idea. Agree that the secret to the unique telling is to do so from the perspective of the tack.
Not a fan of including a reader with "we"; has a tendency pull one out of the story when realizing that the writer is addressing you specifically. Instead of explaining with a "note," describe what would be shown onscreen from the tack's point of view.
The tack hitting the floor and rolling in front of the door works, as does the tack landing in its final location "at the edge of the stairs." Maybe add one additional location for the mischievous tack ("rule of three"). The Man's "Damn it!!" probably isn't needed as his jumping up and down, groaning and thrusting the tack conveys perfectly that he's angry. Always better to use action when possible in place of dialogue.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is okay.

Giving your character a name would help me relate to him better as a reader. I don't know why that is, but it's true for me personally. I mean, I see different people when I hear different names. The mental images of Butch and Lance are worlds apart. If you want to keep a main character generic, name him John. Unless he's female, and then you could name him Mary.

It took me a while to visualize an OTS shot with a tack as the character with a shoulder. You have to admit, it's an awkward image to put into someone's mind. I really don't think you need to write that line of direction in, though. You can do it with writing.

It seems that what you're going for is images with the tack looming large in the front and the man doing his morning stuff in the background. The idea makes for some interesting visuals, and I can see the scenes shot with a mix of depth of field and follow focus.

"We" are not reading this to be taken on a verbal tour of how you want your film shot. I am reading this to see a film in my head, and that's what I hope for every time. I want your story to be compelling (you've pretty much got that here, but more on that later), and I don't want to notice that I'm reading a script at all. Every time you put in direction or include me in the walk through, you take me out of the story and onto the paper, and that isn't where I want to be.

I like the story and it's almost perfect for a one pager. The question I had at the end, though, was, doesn't this guy wear shoes?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Nice ending.

"(Note: Rest of the short is seen as an over the shoulder of the tack.)"
This really distracted me because I was trying to understand how a tack would have a shoulder, and how a camera could look over it. I guess we see everything from underneath the floor? Alternatively, you could just say "TACK - POV", then we'd see the Man step over, and then finally, on, us.

Good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Simple story, but well written. I like the way you describe a tack ruin this man's morning and the ending which creates any potential this tack will really ruin this man's day.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I like the title. I wasn't too sure what to expect of the story however.

You have a good idea for a skit here, but you haven't quite put it in a good screenplay format. Study up on the technical aspects of the writing - verb tenses; how to write only what we see; use of strong action verbs to convey meaning and emotion; don't make aside comments to the reader in the script.

The URGENT note doesn't have any real meaning to the story the way it's been introduced. Just the word doesn't convey any sense of urgency, so that portion of the action comes across as meaningless to the audience.

Good luck.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I like the idea of the story and the anticipation that the tack creates. Somehow the use of the "URGENT" Memo felt incomplete to me. I thought perhaps the importance of the memo, if revealed, would heighten the need for the man to get out of the room, and the trouble the tack was causing could be more critical or more comical depending on the situation. (maybe the note could be a "memo to self" that he was proposing to his girl friend that day. the tack would be a portent of an unhappy future or maybe divine intervention stopping him from this future.)
I will say I had a clear visual pictured in my mind as I read the story. I guess the location could not be an apartment because the man would have his shoes on before getting to the stairs.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

very original, I love the POV from the tack and the guy's feet - great tension over some so simple.

really well done.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

"(Note: Rest of the short is seen as an over the shoulder of the tack.)" - not sure I understand this. The tack has a shoulder? A director will decide from what angles he's going to film.
"Too bad it would have certainly helped wake him up. " - omit that
This guy has a a bulletin board in his bedroom? I guess he lives in a small apartment...

This is a nice humorous story, I like it. It could be animation too. I like the title.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The effect of the constant close up on the tack is a good idea: I'm wincing, waiting for the inevitable. I'm not usually a stickler for "we see" wording, but in this case, it really makes it hard to follow. An "over-the-shoulder" for a tack is very hard to comprehend: are we that close to the tack? I think you mean a close up, or even a one-shot.

The author intrusions aren't merited - they don't really add anything, or make me laugh. The payoff, as well, isn't exactly inspired - we're just waiting for the next mishap. And - if I may - while "bad end up" is an interesting way to describe the way a tack can fall, a better title and more painful description might be "Sharp End Up".

I think this might possibly work better on the screen than the script describes - it's a little hard to tell. Still, I get the basic idea of the joke, and I think it has potential.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

There's some places where passive sentences can be avoided.

for example, "He is throwing papers everywhere in a panic" can be changed to "He throws papers..." There are several places where "is (-ing verb)" can be avoided.

It's a clear story enough to understand. The stakes aren't high enough, even if the paper was "URGENT". Okay effort.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The story of a man getting ready for the day is in a deathtrap with a tack, followed by a warning sign on a piece of paper. While this is a cool and clever story, I don’t see what’s the significance of the emergence paper. I feel that the paper is a metaphor for your story instead of being used as the main plotline of the story. While that is good, I feel that the paper has to also have meaning to the story to make the story ring true. Otherwise, this incident would work without the paper in his room. In addition, why would he put a warning sighn in his own bedroom when he’s the only man in the house? Does he have other family members?

The one line dialogue is crisp. I just wish it had more subtext, since we already knew what he would when he stepped on the tack.

The character isn’t as strong as we would expect because this is an everyday event someone would go through. I stepped on a tack before and got frustrated. Everyone can relate to him, but I wish I could care more about him.

The action lines are told well. I see no formatting or grammar errors.
Overall, I think this is a good read.

Richard Martz (Level 3)

Title is fine. There are a few lines or words in the Action that appear as improper, e.g. "Too bad it would have certainly helped him wake up." and "We can see him ..." We can't see those things on the screen. For instance, instead of saying "We can see him ...", just describe what he is doing, i.e. "He drops a towel, . . ." I would have liked to have known what the "Urgent" post-it note was about. Only one line of dialogue by the MAN -- it works for this script. The ending shows the MAN's carelessness or frustration as he just flings the tack and it now awaits his pain again when stepped upon at the edge of the stairs.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Inserting things like 'Note:' are a red flag. Don't do it, unless the script is only meant for you as director and even then, you wouldn't need it. Also, the 'we see' instruction is better utilized by leaving those words out and simply describing what we see. The piece could have used a line or word of dialogue in the opening or middle to break up the read and the payoff wasn't bad it just didn't pack enough punch. Others will point out not to put 'the end' at the end but a better focus would be to tell a good story. Engage the reader and take them on a ride. Don't describe what the camera should do, use your words to show us exactly what we see. Good luck.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

LOL nice. Gotta say I like this a lot.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good title, I was curious as to what the story was going to be about. I felt like this was an okay story, but it didn't really pull me in. It left me thinking, 'So? what's the point to the story?". I wanted a little more information about your protagonist, who is he? what does he want? etc. With that information not being there, it felt like the story was just a sort of scene in a bigger script.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Cute vignette. This reminds me of the scene in "Modern Times" where Charlie Chaplin roller skates blindfolded and is unaware that he's continually skating near a big hole in the floor. Great tension generator. We, the audience, are on the edge of our seats thinking he's gonna go flying over the edge at any moment, just like we are with your barefooted man narrowly missing the pointy end of a tack.

I was looking forward to a little more story, though. You set us up for it with the note marked "Urgent" falling under the bed. But that was a false dilemma, as he finds the note after just a bit of searching. And it turns out to be nothing we care about.

Good ending, though, with the tack waiting at the top of the stairs for another (and potentially more disastrous) shot at the man's foot. Maybe he won't make that urgent appointment after all.

I enjoyed reading your script very much.

My score: Very Good.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

I don't quite understand what the point of this one is. What was the paper about? All we know is that it said urgent. I like the idea of a POV-type shot from the tack but the story itself was aimless. It wasn't bad although you did have an unfilmabe I wasn't partial to. It just seemed very plain and nothing in particular seemed to happen.

Fair.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

I liked the setup and the over-the-shoulder shot with the tack is a good idea. I like the idea that the tack may or may not cause the man to fall down the stairs, but the whole thing does feel a bit superfluous if that's the only thing the story is building to. I feel like I might be missing something about this. Regardless, as it is it's an interesting take on the theme of random chance.

Sheila Curry (Level 2)

Cute, funny, if a bit predictable.
I like the 'over the shoulder of the tack' POV.
Seemed to make it more comical. Good tension with the anticipation of that inevitable moment when he finally steps on the tack. I like the end twist, how the tack settles 'bad end up' once again, in an even more precarious place.
Great read.

Sylvester StBrice (Level 2)

I think you had a good idea going into this story about a man getting pricked by a tack,but the format,let alone, the typo's and misspelled words were enough to cause a headache,not that I'm calling you a bad writer,it's just you have clean up the things you write before giving to others to make assumptions.To sum it up,I could feel your passion but your screenplay is blocking me from seeing it.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

The formatting on this made it read like a novel or notes for a script; the one line of dialog both unnecessary and uninspired. Lose the editorial in the exposition ("Too bad it would have certainly helped wake him up.") and the passive verbs. There's not much to this story, and it could have been pretty funny.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

LOVE the title.

Enjoyable visuals.

You need to write in a more active voice, though. For example, you write "He is throwing"... but you should write "He throws".

The directorial note takes me out of the story and you could have kept that out completely and the story would have been exactly the same.

Overall, well done.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

With a bit of rewriting, this could really help strengthen your story.

Avoid short story based commentary like this: "Too bad it would have certainly helped wake him up." There is no need for something like this in a screenplay. And since scripts rely on movement and action, avoid "is" whenever possible and rely on strong verbs.

Enjoy the revision.

Comments Made After the Contest

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 10/22/2012 10:05 AM

I really enjoyed this and think it would be a fun short to Film. I'll be in touch :)

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 10/22/2012 10:06 AM

I do agree with most of the comments but I love the idea of the POV of the pin. It would be a fun shoot, Challenging but fun. There is no Edit button and I double posted...sorry :)

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 10/22/2012 10:12 AM

Wanted to add as Fav but limit does not allow. What a dumb rule :)