Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

The description and the dialogue was topnotch but the punchline wasn't that interesting in my opinion. I know how tough to tell a compelling story within one page space but I really hoped for a more surprising ending.

Arsenij Voitko (Level 2)

This one left me wondering, it’s story in particular. I can’t point to anything specific, though. I can’t say the ending was that funny, although I don’t know whether you intended it to be funny.

The intercut between the manager and the security guard – is it really needed? Having it doesn’t add anything; a V.O. of manager will do the same job.

There were a couple of typos, too.

The action lines are sparse, which is good. Dialogue is fine, I guess, but it could have been better, since it’s pretty dialogue heavy. The wrylies aren’t necessary, in my opinion, since the word they’re saying are pretty clear.

Some additional work would benefit this script. Good luck!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The format feels slightly off, others will probably mention that. Not important to me, but it might tell the reader you're new to the medium.

I felt cheated in the end as there was no resolution.

Turns out the "woman apparition" was real. Okay, surprise, but the climax is she winks at him. And then what?

I was left thinking "so what?". What is the significance of the naked female ghost? What is at stake? The security guard now wants to put it on Youtube? Doesn't he want to know what is going on? He's the security guard after all, and a seductive woman is a great way to distract any man, guard or not. I'd imagine some criminal activity behind their backs as the security guard is being distracted. Or so.

There are things that feel unrealistic; the woman apparition, the guard whose alarm don't go off when he sees it, the manager who doesn't want to see the video herself.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your left margin is a bit off.

Can the security guard and manager have a name? Labels make them abstract and difficult to see as real people.

Why is the manager's dialogue a voice over if the scene is intercut?

I don't know enough about the apparition to understand your ending. I don't know if the wink is comical or if that's something she does before she attacks.

Also, why would SG call the manager before perusing the video?

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Writing wise this has a few issues including some spelling errors, not good for one page. Also you use INTERCUT yet you don't intercut. If a voice is VO you don't need to intercut (if you do Intercut then the manager is no VO) which suggests the viewer will see the person.

However, I actually liked the idea.

A reversal of someone's opinion because they now have the chance is a sound basis. A naked woman giving him the wink, nice touch.

With a bit of work this good be fun.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Seems like the margins are off on your script unless my computer's acting weird again. Grammar mistakes. Formatting problems. If you're going to intercut between two scenes then you should probably mention the second scene. I read it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Found this a bit hard to follow with the intercuts etc.

I thought it ws a good idea but that the YouTube thread in it was weak. He changed his opinion too rapidly.

needs a rethink to make it shine.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I'm terribly sorry but I am not getting the intent of this at all. I gather it's a comedic sketch and there is some sort of alien power influence but I couldn't figure out what the alien's angle was in showing the apparition nor could I fathom why people upon seeing it would rush to put on Youtube. Must be a generation gap of sorts.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

The INTERCUT is odd-- took me till the end of the section to realize what's going on. So SG is on the phone with MNGR. INTERCUT [this scene, don't need to say it w/proper format conventions it goes unsaid] with Manager(30, woman) in her Office. Also Manager is on screen, so don't need the VO.

VO -vs- OS
--VO is for narration, the voice of God if you will, it's for the benefit of the audience, without the characters ever hearing it.
--OS is when the speaker is unseen. This is when the dialogue is part of the action and the characters can hear what's being said. (you don't need this either, because of the intercut)

Storywise, GOOD. I didn't have a strong reaction to it positive or negative; didn't strike me as funny either (though, I'm quite sure I know some who would).

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This was different. First, I thibk you should run spell check before you submit a script. Also, some of the dialogue seems a little off. A security guard in his thirties saying "my goodness" seems strange. Perhaps if he were sixty five or older it would be okay. Also he calls them "bastards" before looking at the video and that seems strange. But overall I like it for being different.

David Birch (Level 5)

some formatting inconsistencies jump off the page...if you intercut your telephone conversation, then why would MANAGER be a (VO)?...if you specify for an intercut, then you are implying that you want us to see the expression on both faces of the characters as they deliver their lines...Secondly, try to keep your action/description lines in the "active" voice... www.justeffing.com/2012/07/01/action-lines-which-tense/ ..."is watching" should be "watches"...

David M Troop (Level 4)

I am so confused.

The manager doesn't need (V.O.) if you are intercutting the scene between two actors.

An apparition of a naked woman, not a naked woman apparition.

problubly?

Security Guard watches himself live on screen.

No need for (confused) or (big smile, excited).

N W A (20's) floats behind him.

I gotta put this on YouTube (period).

Even after you correct the formatting issues, the story itself might need a rewrite.
Explain why there is a naked woman ghost - don't just stick it in there.
Pardon the pun.

David Serra (Level 4)

I'm not sure this would make a great movie. Also this is another one that's bound to start controversy. I think you might want to consider revising.

Just a suggestion.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

You captured quite a bit in a page. I don't really get what happened except that a ghost is doing whatever she can to get on youtube. I think I would have liked less dialogue and maybe show the action of the others who saw the apparition. Still, pretty good job.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Why is "ON THE PHONE" capitalized?

The purpose of this story went over my head. Naked female ghost who likes to give off sexy winks to security guards obsessed with uploading videos on to YouTube?

"My goodness! Awesome! I gotta put this on Youtube" -- this is not what people say when they encounter a ghost.

Work on making your character's dialogue more authentic. Make them sound real. Ask yourself if people in real life would say it like that. Add mystery to it. "They said this thing was a naked woman apparition." -- this is an example of boring exposition. Keep the apparition a mystery, it helps build conflict and intrigue to keep the reader engaged.

Good luck to you!

Derek Collins (Level 4)

I think you kind of cheated a little here... The font size is definitely smaller than standard and it seems like you might have used a different paper size as well, A4? Legal?... It's really not fair to the people that followed the rules so I have to, in fairness, judge accordingly. Story wise, I get it... but I don't get it... The twist at the end falls flat and seems rather rushed. The dialog doesn't really come off naturally to me either.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

This one needed more planning and direction. It was not clear to the reader, what the script was trying to be. The story was very weak, no twist, lack of tension or build up. Not even clear on a genre for this one. The speech was a little forced and could be tweaked. For me this was dull, even with the 'sexy naked woman apparition'.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Not a one page story, needs a little set up, but nice twist. Looks like your spacing is off for some reason.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Make sure you check your spelling: problubly should be PROBABLY.

Whenever possible, write in an active voice. Example: "NAKED WOMAN APPARITION (20s) is floating behind him." Consider instead: NAKED WOMAN APPARITION (20s) floats behind him.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

An amusing story but in all honesty it was just a bit difficult to process and to read because of the disjointed manner of presentation. Some screenplays are an easy, enjoyabale read. In my opinion, I would soften the stark presentation with details that harmonize and connect the dots. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

This one is held back by several issues:

-- The phone call tends to be telling us rather than showing us.
-- No need to cap so many words on a one pager.
-- The parentheticals are not needed - the intent is clear without them.
-- Use active verbs: Is watching should be watches, is floating s/b floats.
-- Check your spelling.

Beyond that, the NWA is the best character and we only see through her at the end.

FAIR

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title fits this story well.
Craft - your craft is good, but you should be consistent with the capitalizing of Youtube.
Dialogue - the dialogue doesn't seem natural to me.
Action lines - your action lines are clear and concise.
Story - this story is fun.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Another clever piece. You got my attention word to word. I love the suspense in your script especially when the Security Man played the video to confirm the reality of that Naked Woman Apparition video only to see himself.

The end was wow!!!

"Naked Woman Apparition gives a sexy wink to the Security Guard." Love that line. Imagining how nice and romantic that will appear in video.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Why is yelling in a room by himself. I can't imagine a guy screaming at the top of his lungs in an empty room just because he's about to watch a video.

There are a lot of things that need fixing. I'll be brief with a few:

In the beginning, you have too much heading. Too many directions we have to follow. Just say

"INT. Security booth - Night" - That's it. All that other stuff you had up there was unnecessary especially since you never showed the manager, so we were not cutting beteen the manager and security guard because she was in VO the whole time.

Give your characters names. we care about them more when they have them.

Why was the manager specifically a woman? That had nothing to do with the story.

The manager was not needed. The story could have been told just the same without her.

Why did you use the word "apparition"? I don't think anyone knows what that is. It's a great title, but to use it in the screenplay, instead of "ghost" is just confusing.

Why was the ghost naked? Why did the ghost have to be female? How did nudity push the story forward? It didn't.

Why did the ghost wink? That confused me the most.

I did understand the story though. 4 people witness that they saw a naked GHOST. Then the security guard tells his boss how ridiculous it is and probably just people wanting to be on youtube. But then he sees it, and his first thought is to put it on youtube. funny.

Again, I get it. Just the elements inside it are what confused me.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

Wouldn't a naked apparition be flagged by YouTube? Anyway, it was a real fun story, which I needed to get over the other ones about death and more death. It was original and a very good read. I didn't see any problems with formatting or spelling.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I thought this was going to be pretty good, but at the end, I expected more. Wasn't sure what the angle was with the woman apparition. I know it's only one page, but I guess I expected more.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Fun sketch about a security guard seeing a ghost.

Formatting: Needs a lot of work. Spelling errors. Missed punctuation.

Dialogue: A lot of exposition here. Show and not tell.

Characters: Add more details about your characters.

Nit-picking: Title should be centered and in the middle of the Title Page. Your formatting is off -- the text should be centered on the page and not off to the left.

Rating: Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's clear to me what's going on in it.
The security guard says "stupid youtube" and in the end he downloads the image on youtube anyway.

Good for a one-pager. Their dialog could be funnier perhaps since it's supposed to be a comedy.

I'd get rid of couple of exclamation marks, especially in the narrative.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Naked Woman Apparition is going to be the name of my next band.

this feels a little light to me...no real story here...more of a gag and not a very satisfying one. I'm thinking it's meant to be a youtube-y found footage kinda thing? the dialogue is one dimensional and a bit repetitive.. I’m thinking you are trying to communicate something about our obsession with putting things on youtube and that even in the midst of a genuine mythological occurrence, the first thing we think about is putting it on the internet? But this is only my loose interpretation as the script itself doesn’t have a distinct point of view.

Giving a fair.

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is kind of funny but I think you skipped over the most important part of the story which is the description of the people in the story.
I really like the story but the lack of information seem to take part of the story away and leave me in the dark to figure out how the scene look as the people are moving around in the story.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Funny story idea.
There's a feeling of being told what's going on as opposed to watching it unfold. Perhaps one or two people can be shown watching the footage, instead of the Security Guard explaining there were "Four of 'em."
Maybe tweak the dialogue a bit. The conversation about youtube between Security Guard and Manager uses a lot of space and doesn't contribute substantially, nor does Security Guard's question whether "they're telling the truth or just pulling our wankers."
The apparition floating behind Security Guard is a fun twist. Easy to visualize for a reader and audience.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Like the title. If the story's good, it will be something an audience would remember.

This didn't really do anything for me. I don't understand what, if anything, I'm supposed to get from this. What's the point? If the answer to that is, "a naked ghost," it isn't enough.

Technically, this is okay. I just don't get it.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I don't know if this really makes sense. I guess it's a ghost?

I think the Manager's voice would be "O.S." and not "V.O.", because the characters can actually hear him in the scene.

"just pulling our wankers"
Not sure what this means.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

So simple,
Just a simple joke,
I don't think it have something more than it,
Just good Dialogues maybe.
Tittle is related and its OK but there is no good story to find a better Tittlte,

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Fitting title but I don't understand this story at all.

Your character intros are odd. Why not "A male SECURITY GUARD (30s)... Also, keep your verbs in the present tense - talking should be talks; is watching should be watches; is floating should be floats.

Overall I just don't see a story here. Sorry.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

It's a funny sketch!

I don't know what else to say - some of the dialogue is a little on the nose and the characters could be given some quirks to make them stand out.

Formatting is a little off.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The title page is not traditional.
The formatting is not to the standards which makes it confusing to read.
"Security Guard man"? - Why not say "male Security Guard".
Naked Woman apparition - not sure what is it, a ghost?
The story doesn't make sense, where did this woman come from, what's going on there besides the security guard wanting to put it on YTube?

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You set up right away that we should expect a ghost, and it's bizarre enough that it seems pretty unique.

It's a bit random. I can't get a handle on anything the guard says; he seems beyond idiotic, like a Hannah Barbara cartoon. I don't know why he sees himself or what the ghost's purpose is. This thing just happens, and he records it.

Maybe you were going for something I didn't get, but as it stand, it needs work.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

The formatting is off. the script is leaned towards the left side.

For a 1 pager, I think intercuts are not the way to go. it just takes away too much of your ability to describe the scenery.

Not much of a story. Felt more like a quick sketch. The characters aren't really fleshed out - in fact not much characterization at all.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

When he does put this on YouTube, he’ll probably be charged or become registered as a sex offender without thinking twice. Hah. I find this to be funny. This does look like a full story and it has a strong sense of conflict.

The dialogue rings true. You have subtext throughout the screenplay. The characters’ dialogue reads professionally and natural.

The character appears to be likable, and it’s sad that he hasn’t really thought twice as to what he’s putting himself into.

The action lines are lean and clean. I have not notice any grammar or formatting errors. I think it’s one of the funniest screenplays I read so far.
Overall, it’s an Excellent read.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I think the set up kind of deflates the payoff. There didn't seem to be anything at stake for the Security Guy, so his change in perspective doesn't amount to much. What if it was his wife? Girlfriend? There wasn't enough conflict to make the characters or the situation dramatic. Nice white space on the page. I appreciate the understated way you tried to tell the tale. Good luck.

Ryan Lee (Level 3)

Not really much to comment on, even for one page. I'm really hoping you deliberately misspelled "problubly" as the way this slightly-less-than-genius guard speaks. I think this is lacking any kind of reveal or twist, just some naked lady ghost at the end.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought this was a fun and sort of silly story. It was fun though and a quick enjoyable read.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Interesting. I guess everyone wants to be on YouTube. Even a guy who's seeing a ghost right in front of his eyes is more concerned about YouTube than visible proof of the afterlife. (What's this world becoming?)

This is a fun script, but the story's just a bit outlandish. And it's a little bit talky. If your intent is to poke fun at the YouTube/Facebook culture, then go for it -- don't spend so much time with the security guard talking to the manager. (In fact, if it were me, I'd get rid of the manager altogether. But that's just me.)

Anyway, I enjoyed it. Nice job.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

I liked this, it was offbeat and surprising. I think the language can be wroked on a bit more carefully, the dialogue could be improved a bit, make it a little snappier, funnier. Loved the ending, not what I was expecting.

Sylvester StBrice (Level 2)

The story told and the format displayed was average if not below,the plus side is your dialog a little good.The way the action,which should of been an intercut,and a intercut spot which should of been an action,because that alone confused the hell out of me.The ending I read over and over and still I'm confused,my guess is he See's a naked ghost woman or something.To sum it up,next time do a clean up and make sure the reader understands as much as you understand without putting in ridicule's cliches or over use dialogs.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I don't think I really got this. Might have been too clever for me.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Some issues needing to be dealt with:

- Your intro is very choppy. In the first three lines, you have the word "Security" four times. How about something like this:

= = = = =

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT

BILL (30s) an overweight security guard, talks on the phone with BARBARA, the department store manager.

BILL
I guess it was behind the building.

= = = = =

A much easier read.

- Name your characters. It's makes us identify with them more quickly.

- Avoid things like "is talking". Instead, write "talks".

- Spelling errors - "probably", not "problubly"

- Come into the scene late. You can kill off the security guard's first line.

- If a character is on the phone, on TV or heard via any electronic device, you should use (filtered), not (V.O.). See below.

= = = = =

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE SECURITY ROOM – NIGHT

BILL (30s) an overweight security guard, listens as BARBARA, the department store manager, yells at him on over the phone.

BARBARA (filtered)
How many people saw it?

= = = = =

- Why does the guard push buttons? What do they do?

Stop using so many wrylies. They take up room and have fallen out of use unless REALLY needed. Instead, write it in your action (if it's even needed at all).

In the end, I didn't get the point of the script. He pushes play, somehow sees himself, the ghost appears and winks at him. What is the point?

Good luck and keep writing.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

It's a bit cute, but clunky, and I can hear the rimshot at the end.

Do we really need the extensive dialog? And there's no need for telling us the security guard is confused when you've clearly shown us.

Comments Made After the Contest

Rik Battaglia (Level 3) ~ 8/1/2012 4:43 AM

Thank you everyone for your comments. :-)