Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I like the fact that you're proud of your own voice in your writing. I also admire the fact that you're not worried of putting out there whenever the chance allows, but I'm afraid there was too much of it, it became distracting from the story. It's okay to add those kind of funny comments every now and then to add flavor to the script but never too much of it. Focus always on the story, that's your task.

As for the plot, I think originality is the main problem with it. We have scene kids' imagination taking them a bit farther than what reality really is. I wanted you to add something new. You could have avoided all the hints if you just made the kid missing one shoe. ;)

Good luck.

Arsenij Voitko (Level 2)

It is a bit too wordy and overwritten. In sentences like, “Followed
by POUNDING FOOTSTEPS that King Kong might make after a few
Happy Meals,” you have to try not to distract the reader from what is going on in the world of the story, which this particular sentence did to me. And there are more of these. It makes the read a bit more difficult.

A lot of uppercase words. As far as I understand, they are used to direct the reader’s attention to something, they say, “Look, this is important, don’t miss this when you’ll be skimming!” However, when half of the script is written in capital letters, it gets quite confusing. Some readers might even think that it is annoying.

I would drop all the lines in parenthetical after the first HINT HINT. After the first hint hint, we get it. After that it doesn’t add anything and might just be frustrating to the reader.

There is some job to be done with this one, but it could make a good story! I don’t know if the “Godfather” reference was intended or not, but I kind of liked it.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The Beast is a bit of a generic title. It could be the title of many stories. But it does make me want to read the story so I guess it works.

Funny, the scene is a scary one as a man is chased by a monster but the tone of writing suggests humor! I was smiling while I was reading that, as opposed to sitting on the tip of my chair in suspense. As it turns out, that fits the story well, it is a scary scene but intended to be non-scary as this is running in a child's imagination.

Really cool twist! It was all in the imagination of a little boy as he is playing.

Funny dialogue, that the little boy should learn to use his imagination! Rings untrue though. I think any parent will recognize and acknowledge the rich imagination of their child :-)

I like the hidden setup in the beginning, "chased by ... or an angry wife" foreboding what will happen later as the mother becomes the monster behind the father. I think you can show that visually! The man has a monster mask he takes off and he looks sad, and the wife has an angry face, turning her into the monster.

It is a bit non-standard, but I did enjoy your chatty writing style, it read like a breeze and that is what is important at the end of the day.

I like this script a lot, and giving it an EXCELLENT.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Vague title. A beast could symbolize man or animal.

Good opening, but I would delete this line: "He’s being chased by
worse." It's vague and it creates a widow.

You have a lively writing style. It makes for an easy read but it could also be trimmed for more whitespace. I guess it depends on the preference of the reader.

"just missing the spot where he was being torn to pieces." I don't follow. He barely escaped the beast's claw or attack?

Remove "HINT HINT". It's a bit condescending to the reader.

I like your ending. The line about imagination wraps up the story nicely.

I like your style, but your paragraphs can benefit from some brevity.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

A fun tale.

The writing needs some work with a spelling error and a few awkward phrases, but the idea of a young boys imagination being played out is sound.

I think it could do with some foreshadowing of the fact that the monster is the father so that the twist fully works

Has potential.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

How does a "roaring noose" make a noise? Isn't it a rope? I can't let that go, because I'm clearly missing a definition. And I can't find an alternative meaning for that phrase.

As for story, I was really hoping for a different outcome. I like how you created suspense. And I enjoyed your writing style; it was pretty unique and felt like it was a campfire story that you tell your friends after a few drinks and doobies.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It's crazy to waste space in a one-pager putting in details that aren't necessary... No man runs this fast etc. Only what we SEE.

A roaring noose? Unusual.

Its footsteps not it's which means it is.

All the cough, cough, hint, hints...sigh...

This is a lovely idea but you need to tighten up your style and make it more professional.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

This was a nice, litle run on the imagination with a clever twist to end it. A cute story that needs a few components in my view such as a character arc, some stakes and a raisin d'etre.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Dude, at first it was cute, then the Dad opened his trap and geeze what a jerk.

I like colorful descriptions, but you've got to be careful what they say about you-- (and not just for carbon dating the old-timers). Yours come off like cheap colon-- overused; they are getting in the way of the story (and whaddya think I'm some kinda dummy-- that I can't tell the man in the monster mask was the beast?).

There's a fine line to negotiate, less is more as they say, but a couple LIGHTLY peppered in are charming-- just try and keep them from overtaking the purpose of a paragraph. (like that first one-- elephants and angry wives are funny; 'being chased by worse' -- you've done contradicted yourself AND chomped away at a whole line-- not worth the price.)

And one last point on the subject-- yours was a funny read, but a rather bland script.

VG subject. Fair script. -- GOOD rating.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This seems to have a lot in the action lines that perhaps shouldn't be. Analogies work in novels but not in screenplays. Thins like God Dammit should probaly be in dialogue. I like the concept of this though.

David M Troop (Level 4)

I know this is just a one-pager contest on MP, but--

Please limit your blocks of discription to just that. I appreciate a good sense of humor, but funny comments and action lines may be considered the mark of an amatuer by some script readers in Hollywood. Save the jokes for your dialogue.

Also, write your script using the Present Perfect Tense (runs, claws, jumps) not the Present Continuous Tense (is running, clawing, jumping).

Don't insult the reader. We get that this is all the imagination of a young boy. You don't need to explain it to us. NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK SAY NO MORE. SAY NO MORE.

Other than that...
Not bad. A simple story. Cute.
You could have made the chase more serious, more intense before the reveal.
The last line works nicely.

David Serra (Level 4)

You have big chunky paragraphs that need revising. Also this read like a novel as oppose to a script. Try to show and not tell.

Overall, with a rewrite, this could be a really cool short movie.

Plus, try naming your characters.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

The attempt at humor was totally lost on me with this script. The first line, Trees, trees and more trees, made me think the writer was bored already, so I didn't even feel like reading more.

Humor is hard to write, but it is even harder to show. The whole first paragraph can't be filmed. Take a look and see if you can show and not tell as much.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

This is easily one of the best (if not THE best) ideas this month. Seriously, FANTASTIC imagination.

However, it's horribly written. I don't mean that to come across as rude, because I think you were just having fun with this, but it didn't read like a screenplay at all. All the wink winks and cough coughs and the unfilmables that didn't add to the story (like this: "No man runs this fast unless he’s either being chased by elephants or an angry wife.").

Lose all the -ing words. Growing should be grows. Closing should be closes. etc etc

The last line of dialogue is great, and so is the imagination you captured. A serious rewrite would easily make this an excellent. It's a Good for now though.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

I hate to say it but this isn't really a script, it is a short story. A decent short story but a short story. lines like "No man runs this fast unless he’s either being chased by elephants or an angry wife. He’s being chased by worse.", "that King Kong might make after a few Happy Meals.", "just missing the spot where he was being torn to pieces.", "One way trip to China." and absolutely worst of all the (HINT HINT) and (*Cough* Hint *Cough*) stuff... These things just don't belong in the world of script writing. Little inside jokes between you and the reader can't be seen on the screen so they are just wasted space, incredibly wasted space. And how insulting is it that you feel the need to nudge me in the shoulder and cough (HINT HINT) so that I will understand your story? Have faith in yourself that you wrote it well enough to be understood without having to bang someone over the head. The story was sort of decent but you ruined it with all of that stuff. And its not exactly the most original, its been done before at least a few times in commercials and at least once in a movie.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

The script was far too narrative. The scene heading you gave stated the location was a wood, so there is no need for your opening line to be 'trees, trees and more trees'. There are no readers who are unsure what a wood is. How old is the boy...two or three? The 'hints' and 'coughs' don't help and need to be cut. Personally I don't like all the banter in your action lines, I don't want/need references to 'elephants', 'angry wives', 'king kong' or 'happy meals'. Other writers implement these imagery references and it doesn't read well.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

No man runs this fast unless he’s either being chased by elephants or an angry wife. He’s being chased by worse. Way too much description, it's very clever for sure, but don't you think, "runs for his life" would convey the same, with less space devoted? Eh, it's personal thing probably, see if anyone else says anything about it.

Yeah, I think it's going to get mentioned now, because you're doing it again. Quit it. It's taking me out of the story thinking about king kong eating a happy meal, and besides, how would a few happy meals make king kong stomp around? This is remedial. and doesn't belong in a script.

Cute story, the boy is using his imagination all along, right? May be compelling to some, try not to use "passive verbs."

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

In my opinion, the screenplay had too much author intrusion. To me, it almost felt like the author was trying to show how clever a writer he/she was. Don't focus so much on cute writing. Focus more on a good story.

Example: Trees, trees and more trees. A BLOND MAN charges through the woods. No man runs this fast unless he’s either being chased by elephants or an angry wife. He’s being chased by worse.

Consider instead: A BLOND MAN charges through dense forest of trees, a look of absolute fear on his face.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Wonderfully humanistic in presenting an all too believable family slice of life. My best criticism is that it might have been better if only you had taken your script seriously and presented it in a serious manner. You are an extraordinary gifted writer with great ideas. They should be presented to full effect without the "nod nod wink wink" mannerism. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Strangely overwritten. Breaks the fourth wall while giving us hints. The style borders on overshadowing the story but works okay for this one pager.

GOOD

Greg Dietz (Level 3)

You've got a good story here. I enjoyed the twist at the end, especially with the dad's crack about the boy not using his imagination. I do think you've confused things a bit more than necessary (why not simply use the boy for the entire chase, instead of substituting him in last-minute?), but on the whole the tale is solid.

Your problem is in your descriptions. Things like "No man runs this fast...he's being chased by worse," would be fine in a short story, but not here, because they don't describe what we are actually seeing. They are figurative, and we do not see the figurative. Furthermore, they don't tell us anything that "A blond man charges through the woods," didn't already communicate. You can't afford to repeat yourself, particularly in a contest where space is at a premium.

Also, things like "cough hint cough" in your descriptions are useless, as the audience never sees them. You've written a script for someone reading the script, and not for someone watching the film.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Creative tale. It's also a fast read. Just didn't get the sense of the story relative to the Contest Name "Still More of Less is More."

Anyway, congrats!

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

This is funny! I was a bit disappointed when I realized that there actually wasn't a scary, murderous beast running amok in the woods but I like what it turned into. I think it could have been less like a novel and more like a script in terms of language used in the descriptions. It's important to paint a picture for the audeince, but keep in mind that in a movie, these parts would not be readable and may not belong. I do like the story and concept. As if children don't have nightmares enough already, my guess is Dad will be waking up to a screaming tot every night for the next few weeks.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"just missing the spot where he was being torn to pieces" - I read this over and over and I don't get what you mean.

I don't know why I thought that was a flashback.

but anyway, this was excellent.

I loved it. You had my attention from beginning to end. The ending made me laugh out loud. Great, great script. A bit unorthodox, but that's what made the script hilarious.

Great job. Excellent. Sure this will place.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The story itself was interesting and creative. However, I must admit the Shane Black-eque notes in the script were really off putting. An occasional extra flare in the script can ramp up the intensity, but you went to the well far too often for my taste, it became very distracting. People understand what your script is about and don't need obvious hints.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 2
Story: 3
Originality: 3
Action: 4
Dialogue: 2
Readability: 1

This was an unpleasant read. There were annoying Shane Black-isms everywhere, misspelled words, and an unoriginal story. Where and when was the Blonde Man "being torn to pieces"? The whole story seems like it was just thrown together.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Fun little story about a father and son playing. However, lots of formatting / writing issues.

Story: Good initial tension. Story arc needs work.

Formatting: Too much exposition and prose here. Remember, show and don't tell.


Good luck and keep writing! MoviePoet is an excellent forum to learn how to cut your teeth in the screenwriting.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked the idea of teaching imagination to your kids. Seemingly it's impossible to teach them that yet there are games you can play... I think you are playing with your reader too much. Those things, "hint, wink" etc are a waste and won't be filmed.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this has the feel of a Calvin and Hobbes strip and it's a great idea! I understand your style and your Shane Black-esque asides to us but I honestly don't think you need them...you can give us more credit to make the discovery about the boy without telegraphing it to us...then we (us and you) become cohorts in discovery instead of resenting you for spoonfeeding us and thinking we won't get it.

now, perhaps your asides were meant more as a means to communicate a playful tone and spirit and if so, I get that...but still think you can put your creativity into the story instead of the asides.

giving a good

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is such a cute story. I like the kid seeing himself on an adventure and he's really playing in his backyard the story is so sweet and cute but this is a common story on the cartoon network. I wish the story would of went out of the box a little. Sorry but there is nothing different in this story or even a twist to throw the reader off a little.
There are a lot of mistakes but I think the biggest one is the HINT HINT you don't suppose to talk to the reader in the middle of the script.
GOOD LUCK

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Nice visual quality. The "quippy" style is amusing -- "...unless he's either being chased by elephants or an angry wife."
Did wonder how it's possible to see the Man has blond hair at night. It's not clear what's chasing this guy, "A ROARING NOOSE?" Is "noose" supposed to be moose, noise, or a looped rope noose?
While Dad teasing his look-alike two-year-old or three-year-old son is obvious, not certain what actually happens to the Man being chased at the beginning. He's stuck on the edge of a cliff being swiped at by a beast, but there's no mention how he gets away. He seems too old to be a son being chased by his father...

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is good.

Your writing is very wordy. Cut out the banter and drop the lengthy metaphors. They add nothing to the story. Stick to visuals and keep them tight and . I think every one of your action sections could be edited down to one or two lines, and that's a lot of lines... Fifteen at least. Fifteen seconds is HUGE in a one minute movie.

What is a "ROARING NOOSE?" I thought you were talking about a moose, and it took me way too long before I realized you meant noise. Spelling and punctuation errors on a one page written anything should not exist. Proof your work.

Amorphous monsters without shape or form don't work very well. Either stick to the noise it's making (this can be very scary) and drop the physical descriptives, or give it a real shape.

The man catching his leg is a perfect opportunity to build tension, but you don't make good use of it.

The line "He gallops off..." doesn't make sense.

The protagonist turning out to be a two year old doesn't make any sense either. How is someone that age supposed to be imagining this? You're telling it from his point of view, so his age has to be taken into account here. I've had five kids and sixteen grandkids, and only two of them were even talking fluently at age two.

Edit and proof if you do a rewrite, and stick to the story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I think this would be more effective if you wrote the opening like it was truly scary, instead of making fun of it as you were going. That way, the ending would be more of a surprise.

"A ROARING NOOSE"
Should this be "NOISE"?

You don't need to point everything out, I think it would be very clear what was going on anyway.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Story is okay, well written, although a bit confuse first time
but again, one page is not easy to describe "fully imagination"
The title a bit common, but nice choice
Overall it is good

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

The title is a bit bland.

If this had been a five page script or more, I don't know that I would have read beyond the first few paragraphs. You need to spend some time studying the proper format for writing a script. You have far too many capitalized words, exclamations points, thoughts that can't be shown on the screen, etc...

The story itself is actually pretty interesting, To see the story from the point of view of the imagination of the child is something I've never seen before (which doesn't mean it hasn't been done). I list that aspect.

If the writing just had a grammatical mistake here or there, I could score this higher based on the concept. However, since this is a screenwriting contest, the technical display in this effort is just too weak. Work on that, and then revisit this script.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

My favorite so far.
The descriptions of the chase were very good and had me hooked. The title works very well too.
I am not sure how much to "wink" at the reader as you tell your story. The (cough*hint*cough) might have been one too many since by this point it was understood it was all in the boys imagination.
I was confused by one line which might have been a typo. "He gallops off again, just missing the spot where he was being torn to pieces." Not sure I understand what is happening here. What spot did he miss? He wasn't torn to pieces, he escaped.
anyway, very good.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

'No man runs this fast unless he’s either being chased by elephants or an angry wife. He’s being chased by worse.' - This is nice writing, it has your 'voice' but it is more suited to novels/prose than screenwriting which needs to be as tight and vivid as possible. The fact that he's running from something is all we're going to see on the screen.

Then you tell us the same thing again over the next six lines!

Do we see this creature or only hear it? If we see it then please describe it - if we only hear it then this needs to be clearer.

'just missing the spot where HE WAS BEING torn to pieces.' I think you mean where he 'would have been' torn to pieces. How do we know this? How will this be seen on screen? That he just missed that spot? Does a monster claw come into view, just missing him? You need to show us not tell us.

All that hinting is unnecessary and I personally found it rather irritating as it's patronising! If you write well enough - which you'd done, then we'll know what's going on - which I did, without any hints.

Your exuberance and enthusiasm shines through but this is definitely more suited to the short story format than short screenplay.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Good writing. Only, "*Cough* Hint *Cough*; HINT HINT" is not necessary, sets a comedy feel, but it's not comedy as far as I understood. I think these phrases totally ruined the story.
Good luck.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I like the idea of exploring a child's imagination this way, and while the whole thing is obviously building towards a twist, I didn't see it coming.

There's a lot of author intrusion in this script - so much, that the movie on the screen would play much differently than the actual experience of reading the script. I don't ordinarily mind jokes and color in the action blocks of scripts, but they have to maintain the tone of the screenplay. Things like the "angry wife" joke don't really have any place in this script. At times, the jokiness and winking reaches epic proportions - HINT HINT.

While the payoff works, nominally, I really dislike the dad. Perhaps that's the point - he's the Beast, after all. But the "compassionate" scoop up doesn't square with his nonchalant dismissal of his son's fear.

It's a decent idea, but don't worry about cracking so many jokes - worry about conveying the visuals on the screen.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

This reads more like a short story rather than a screenplay. Some minor grammar issues in the first two paragraphs.

Formatting wise - maybe it's just me but the margins appear off.

The *wink* *wink* moments was a poor attempt at Shane Blackism. Not a fan of this method so I'd cut this out.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Dad goes overboard with his child while the child imagines Dad has a hungry-eating grizzly bear. This concept is refreshing.

The descriptions and action lines could be trimmed up a little bit. That made it a confusing read, although I understood what this story was. Some of the description lines has a lot of telling than showing. Anything that we, as the audience, cannot see on screen must be omitted, because the audience will never read your screenplay. Instead, they will be reading it. Please keep in mind that this isn’t a novel. It’s a blueprint to a screenplay. While the other action lines are visual, I think some of this could be rewritten.

Dad’s dialogue was silted a little bit, but it was well worth the line to read it to reveal the surprise twist.

The characters are well developed. The Dad teaches his son to play and explore the wild forest. But it scares the crap out of the son. We can all relate to the son and Dad at some point.

Overall, I think it’s a Good read, but this could be tightened up, especially the parenthesis (*cough Hint). Those cannot be shown on screen. To add more effect, you could write something like this: “In slow motion, the man’s face looks just like the son,” or something like that.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Shane Black would be proud. An homage to his writing style. It felt like too much of the page was taken up with the obvious enjoyment you took from writing it. In other words - it lacked advancing the story. Maybe bouncing back and forth between the two stories would have made the payoff sweeter but as it was, it felt like too much build up for too little pay off. Clearly, an enjoyable ride and it would be a pleasure to have a feature-length script broken up by this style of writing (provided story was there too) but for me this felt a little too easy.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Kid needs a sense of humor lol. Dad was just being dad. This was good. I enjoyed the forest chase. :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was a unique story. I think the idea was good, but the execution suffered because of the writing. The 'cough, hint' cough' type writing etc was distracting and pulled me out of the story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Kinda cute. But they always say that having your story end with your hero finding out his dilemma was all just a dream is a really unsatisfying form of deus ex machina -- and this is really just the same thing. Cute, but not really a satisfying story. We're all geared up to find out what this terror of the forest is, and then, oh, it's a kid and his dad.

A couple of minor comments about the actual writing. First, what does "A ROARING NOOSE BOOMS from the forest behind him" mean? Second, is the two-year-old really thinking "God Dammit" when his foot gets stuck? Kind of an advanced expression of anger for such a youngster.

Anyway, I did enjoy reading your story. It was a cute one.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

It's a good story, but I don't think you need to embelish your descriptions and actions so much. Simple, short, snappy sentences would work better. It breaks the illusion when your script is so jokey and self-deprecating. Have more faith in the strength of the idea.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This was a pretty good story - except the telling was so loaded with heavy-handed editorializing that it read like a novel & not a script. Hint, hint, cough, cough.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Goodness... the level of "cutesy" being used in this script is far beyond anything I've yet experienced on this or any site.

If this were a page in a full script and I saw even one of the instances... like (*Cough* Hint *Cough)... I'd have tossed it in the trash SO fast.

Honestly, there is so much wrong with this in terms of "proper screenplay format" and standard writing technique that I can't list it all here. It's one thing to be a skilled writer and occasionally - and very skillfully - breaking the fourth wall for effect. However, the way you've done it here, I am never ever IN YOUR STORY. All I can see is you, sitting there, trying to be cute.

Read the winning entries... learn from them... read a lot of other scripts... and learn.

Good luck.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

You would put this in a script: "HINT HINT" and "(*Cough* Hint *Cough*)"?

There's a ton of cliche in here. Regardless, you would have much more room within the story to write if you better adhered to screenwriting format. Furthermore, the final line needs to be something rewarding to the audience, instead of a smarmy ramble from a posturing jerk of a father.

Comments Made After the Contest

Joseph Conway (Level 2) ~ 8/1/2012 12:01 PM

Thanks for the all the comments. Very helpful and informative. Are the block capitals a serious problem? I thought we had to use block capitals for all off screen sound effects but I guess that may be wrong.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2012 3:50 PM

Great job. I loved this.

Derek Anderson (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 6:31 PM

Looks like you already have the imagination and the creativity (and that's the hard part), now just focus on learning the craft of screenwriting. Breaking the fourth wall with your cough coughs and wink winks is poison for your script. Keep it up. I look forward to seeing more from you.

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 10/22/2012 8:54 AM

I really liked this...especially since I chase my daughter around like a monster. This would be fun to shoot, just do not know about the big arm...I might be in touch. Thanks for sharing this story