Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I loved the genius of wordplay that "Life sucks." I just didn't think sucking on a toothpick was the best choice. I wanted something more symbolic. I just liked the ending. It's tragic but it's reality. Well done. I didn't like the repetitive use of numbers to indicate his age. If you just find a way around it. Like infant, toddler, kid, teenager ... etc. The numbers were a bit distracting.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The way you wrote it it felt a bit choppy and hard to read but when I realized what you were doing, I kind of liked it. One big collage of a person sucking on various things, a story told that way, a great exercise!

You left one loose end, what happens to the baby?

I'm giving this a GOOD because I find it a cool idea, good use of one page.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Vague title but it relates to the story.

You made a bold choice with your script. There is a story, but without an attachment to any of the characters, it just feels...thin.

Still, it's original. And original stories are rare these days.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

great idea and decent effort

It could be argued that the "suck" element is a loose connection but it works all the same for connecting a life with an ironic twist at the end.

Further, is there an underlying theme? Is it life sucks or his life suck, or that he sucks. It didn't seem fully consistent, but thats a hard challenge. For example, one minute he appears a looser the next something different. I also felt we need a foreshadowing of him being violent. After all most people would not kill their wife and lover.

For a one pager it would be very hard to film with so many scenes, so many different images - possible the first few could be photographs leading up to the first scene, but that would be for the producer

all the best

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

A neat cradle to the grave, well almost to the grave, story.

Each action sequence was laid out pretty well.

Good use of grammar and didn't spot any typos.

I thought the title may have been better if called 'Life Sucks'.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Some of the "sucking" seemed a bit odd. Who sucks on a bottle of wine? Granted, I get what you were going for, but I found myself tuned out by age 24. It's a bit of an easy way to meet this month's objective. Nice effort just wasn't my cup of tee.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Very clever.

I think this may very well be first!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great micro-short. Perfect title. Brilliant conceit.

A really fun/clever way to tell a life story. I love the images you chose. The ending is perfect.

Excellent.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

How you pulled off cramming a person's life into one page is commendable. Talk about economy of words! This one gets the prize. The story was so-so but your structure was impressive.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It's in the title isn't it.

Interesting take, a montage of a life.

I'm not very excited about the images. Bummed by the story's arc, and the ending-- a bit of a morbid fairytale; the bad guy dies, but then it was a one-page story.

To be objective--- GOOD. Like the suck theme, like the montage; but the subject matter of bad behavior and poor decisions-- I've seen it before.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This is the first script I am commenting on as I just joined this site. So take it for what it is worth... This is not what I was expecting. It is not in the format I'm used to. It has no dialogue and doesn't have action lines or scene headings each time the scene changes. However, it does paint a picture of the main characters life in one page and that is an accomplishment.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

As I started this, I wasn’t sure where it was going and I wasn’t sure I would like it. It did get more interesting. It presents some challenges for a producer/director but I think much of that has to do with the forced succinctness cause by the one page limitation. I think this has a lot of potential. I like it. A simple concept (a good thing) and an interesting story.

David M Troop (Level 4)

And I thought my life sucked.

Very original. Nicely done.
A few passive verbs...scowling, while smiling, is sitting, standing, lying...

Would be interesting to see how this flowed on screen.

David Serra (Level 4)

This looked to me like a projector of photos as oppose to a real script.

Not sure what to make of this and I'm also not sure that this would make a great movie.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

CREATIVE

I think you cheated a little since there was no REAL story, just a series of shots. But it was damn entertaining, and completely original.

I can't really comment on your writing because it wasn't really on display.

I didn't like the last line though, I thought it would've been better to end with the gunshot. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure a gunshot inside your mouth has a 100% mortality rate.

Thinking outside the box gets you a VERY GOOD from me. Well done!

Derek Collins (Level 4)

It's a series of shots... is that it? really? Not my kind of thing at all. It takes some guts to try to fit a whole life on one page so I give you credit for that. But it's just a series of shots, I'm sorry I don't consider that a script. Couldn't you cut out some of the repetitive sucking scenes (we get it, he sucks stuff...) and throw in a line of dialog, a voice over, heck even a character description or two. I can see a lot of ways that you could turn this into something really good, but for now there just isn't enough there.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

I suppose this is a different interpretation on the one page story. While I can see what you are visualising the format isn't quite right and compared to others; who have produced full stories in a single page, this seems like cheating. You have told a story and have a structure but you could have worked on producing the really relevant sections in proper scenes.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I really hate the title but I really love the script. I suspect, when filmed, it will be a lot longer than one minute (if you follow the one page one minute guide) but so what? This one earned an excellent from me.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Wow! Powerful images - all of them. And an interesting storyline that propels the action forward in a decisive and concise manner. No room for improvement that I can imagine. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

That was clever and a one pager was about the right length before it sucked the initial bemusement out of my skull. I suggest shaping it down to about half and grouping them together. The repetitiveness of "Jerry" bothered me.

VERY GOOD!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title certainly works for this story.
Craft - your craft is quite good.
Dialogue - there is no dialogue to review.
Action lines - the action lines are fine.
Story - this reminds me of "Wheel" but instead of heartwarming you went the other way. You did get a lot into one page by eliminating dialogue.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

honestly, i didn't get the sense of the script but i loved the clarity of your lines. Good choice of words, cool setting, realistic enough to add weight to the quality of your script.

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

This is depressing, but good nonetheless. I love that such a life cycle can be displayed through the action of sucking, and its appropriate as I think most would say Jerry sucks at life. Certainly it's a common cycle. Boy meets girl, knocks girl up, isn't ready for a baby, girl gets frustrated, boy becomes distant, girl takes a lover, boy figures he has nothing left to live for and does away with all three of them. It's difficult to find any sympathy for Jerry, who seems not to have been keen on the idea of parenthood in the first place, and even less enthused when in actually showed up and took over his life. Instead of embracing, he turned to the bottle which obviously upset Moira. While I don't condone cheating, Jerry clearly wasn't ready to take responsibility for his share in the crumble of their relationship, and it's a sad but not unheard of ending for all of them. I think if would have een interesting to end with a shot of their four year-old sucking his thumb and holding a blanket as he stood at the grave of his mother or in his father's hospital room, but good job!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

BAD ASS!!!

Oh!!!! This was great!

Why did he stay 28 for a while though? I wish he was older when he found his wife cheating on him.

But I mean, come on. This is a winner. Perfection. Very visual. LOVED IT.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I definitely saw this story going in a different direction. I thought from the first half of the story it was going to be happy or ironic in some way. I must admit I didn't care for the dark turn. I didn't see any spelling or formatting issues.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is a great idea - to write Jerry's story this way. I think it will end up high just for the brilliance of putting down an idea this way. Plus, you wrote it very well. When I started reading I had no idea where it was going.
I think it's an Excellent one and I think it'll soar.

Kirk White (Level 5)

you, my friend, are a genius. and this is a brilliant concept/script. giving an excellent.

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is so funny. I thought it was going to suck. I really do like how you created this story. It is a nice way of telling a story. I like all these different events happening to Jerry and it all come together for the ending.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

The organization and structure is really appealing. Particularly fond of dialogue-free stories anyway. Pulls a reader and an audience in and makes the visual aspect the most important element.
The progression works, but might have even more impact to spread out the age events and add more detail. Jerry at 27 and Jerry at 28, sucking "on a beer bottle" and "on a joint," respectively, are close to the same activity.
There's six years from the gun barrel in his mouth to "lying in a hospital bed"; guessing that the message at the end is Jerry doesn't die from the shooting, but is permanently in a state requiring ventilation?
Interesting story idea.

Marc Jensen (Level 2)

At first this looked like a predictable montage format for the single page challenge, which is undoubtedly an effective and appropriate way of doing it, but here the sexual and dark twists rescue it

I find it quite well-timed. The initial events are particularly trite and just as it seems like the whole page is going to be of similar events, it turns. The nipple caught me off-guard, and made me chuckle a little, and then the final parts make the whole read worth it.

I was ready to dismiss this script upon first reading but am left pleasantly surprised by it. I can't help wondering what similar scripts could be written using other single verbs in the way you used 'suck'.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is okay. It brings vampires to mind, though, so you might want to consider adding a modifier.

Formatting is good. Spelling and punctuation are good, too.

I really like this! I've actually been thinking about writing a script that relies totally on visuals to tell a story, but you beat me to it.

It would take some time to film because of the location changes, but it wouldn't be hard otherwise. I hope someone films this for you.

Very nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is a cool idea, but thinking purely practically, are you expecting these shots to match up on screen? Because, while the repetition of "sucks" tips us off in the script, on screen many of these activities - drinking wine, breathing through a paper bag - won't look like sucking exactly.

I know you have to end with a dramatic moment, but I didn't really believe he would kill Moira and her lover and attempt suicide at the end.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Great title for this story,

Story is really good,
Showing story of a life in one page script seems hard! But you show that its not impossible .
BTW,What happen to their baby? :D.



Congratulation...

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title...hmmm..where is this one going?

OK... I wasn't expecting that. It was unique. Some humorous moments there.

Keep the verbs in the present tense - scowling should be scowls; while smiling should be smiles; is sitting should be sits; etc...

Since you only giving us a list of events, make each one unique. You use "His friends cheer" twice.

How do we see "Moira shushes the screaming baby IN THE NEXT ROOM"?

So your progression took an obviously extreme turn which add red some drama. I think it might have played better to leave it at the scene of the gun in his mouth...maybe cut to black and hear the shot. Going back to show another example of "suck" diminishes the story in my opinion.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I thought this was .creative and I liked the idea of the running theme. I think that the running theme might be lost if this were filmed rather than written though. some of the instances using the word "sucks" were forced a little and might not be interpret.ted as sucking when seen visually. I pictured him "biting" his knuckle, smoking the joint and the cigarette might not seem like sucking unless handled a bit unrealistically.
Maybe the act of bringing the object to his mouth is the visual thing that ties the pieces together.
Not sure the toothpick one works that well. that one seems arbitrary just to keep the visual going.
All in all though, good job.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Wow, this was pretty epic for a one page script! I liked it ok, but then it grew on me. I think this would work really well visually and would be relatively easy to shoot.

For some reason the suicide part didn't feel right to me, maybe because it seemed a little OTT for the degree that we get to know these characters, or maybe because it has been overused. But the ventilator shot seemed to rescue it for me.

Anyway, I'm going with excellent because it's not easy making someone think so much from one page of text. Nice work!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This really reminds me of this advert:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6zgQH3tUKk

which also shares a similarity with Eric June's one pager 'Hole In One'.

The woman giving birth, incidentally, is a friend of mine.

Anyway, this feels as though the writer has successfully studied some winning one pagers on Movie Poet to create a life story in short space of time. It works because of the linking through word which threads the title in. Although I think the title could be more creative - Life Sucks - or - Sucks - SUCK makes it sound like vampire's are involved.

It's also a wry and dark comment on oral fixation.

It's well done, I just have the feeling that it was written to win rather than to tell a story - but I guess we all write to win!

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

This is a great concept! Very creative. Hilarious. I love it, haven't seen anything like this. I have nothing to critique, it's perfect. Good luck. It's my favorite so far.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

The short reminded of these YouTube videos of someone photographing himself/herself as he/she ages. Then it's put together as a montage of ageing.

I would think he would have found the joint earlier in his life. That part with joint, I think Jerry should have binoculars spying on his wife while sucking on the joint.

It gets tiring to read Jerry sucks... Jerry sucks... but I find it ironic how eventually his life did suck with that ending. I wonder if the author intended this?

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

So this is the life of Jerry sucking on things as he ages throughout his life, even when his girlfriend cheats on him. The ending was depressing when he shoots her. It would be easy to film, but the cast size might be bigger and the budget might not be as low as you think. I think this is a smooth read.

The action lines are quick and to the point. We see a lot of white space which makes this an easy read. The pacing is tightened up.

This is a summary of the characters’ life instead of a plotline. While your intention was right on, I would like to know why his girlfriend cheat on him and why does Jerry suck on his thumb. I really don’t know what the purpose of his character and why we should care about his girlfriend cheating on him. He’s arc went from an angel to a cruel devil at the end.

Overall, I think this is a good read, but I feel that the storyline needs more conflict. There’s not enough story in here. I think one rewrite would brings this up a notch.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Sad and repetitive. Having a 'Series of shots' spanning Jerry's life is not really writing a screenplay and it takes advantage of time cuts to tell a complete story. That aside, I really didn't like the start of each advance beginning with 'Jerry sucks.' If the one page is going to tell a story, at least switch up how the different 'sucking' is going to be presented. The idea and story itself were fine but I had trouble with the execution and presentation.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

All I can say is AWESOME! :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Well this definitely gets the prize for the most unique story I've read so far. I have about twenty five more to go.

I think Jerry's life really sucks, and it's his own decisions that make it so. This is one I 'll think about after the month is over. I'm torn between good and very good. I may come back and change it up, but I'm staying at good for now.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

It's very clever writing to use the word "suck" to illustrate something from every stage of Jerry's life. Points for that.

But as a story it's pretty mundane until Jerry finds Moira in bed with another man, so (storywise) everything leading to that point is meaningless, because it doesn't really tell us much about Jerry -- it's just a vehicle to use the word "suck" throughout Jerry's life. Then he finds his wife in bed with another man, he kills them, then tries to kill himself. The end is interesting, the rest could easily be discarded, except for its use of the word "suck".

And what about that? It's clever on the written page, but I'm afraid it's ONLY clever on the written page. In the movie version, (unless you somehow spelled it out for us) we wouldn't necessarily interpret all those activities as "sucking". You "smoke" a cigarette and a cigar. You "drink" beer, wine, and scotch. You "inhale" air from a paper bag. Etc. And, more importantly, while you're watching things happen in a movie, you rarely find yourself thinking of the verbs that go along with those activities. Your clever word play might be missed entirely by a movie audience.

It was very cleverly written, though. But I'm not sure how well it would translate to the screen.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

While the actual story is nothing special, this is all about the technique, and visually this could turn out really interesting. Really novel concept, I'd love to see it realized on screen. Personally what I'd love to see is a continuation of the story and the consistent sucking motif detailing how this guy recuperates and turns his life around. But maybe realisticly speaking, things got so dark that there really is no hope for a turnaround. I at least wanted to see an entire life portrayed, seeing as we begin with the fetus and everything. Anyway it doesn't really matter, it's a great idea nonetheless. Well done, I enjoyed this.

Sylvester StBrice (Level 2)

The writer is phenominal and has a very imaginative mind like a dp/director/one of the greatest writers of all times.The story grows and develops in its own way like a PSA commercial,you things was going to go bad when at age 14 he started smoking cigarettes and age 19 drinking beer from a keg in a competition at age 19."DO know how hard that is thats years of experience that kid did before 19,so in all fairness I congraduelate him.The ending,really caught me off guard,I thought it was going to go in a clinche moment then I scrolled down and bam Jerry is still alive,now he has a life sentence to reflect on what when wrong.To sum it up in one word,brilliant.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

You had me at the title. Visual and entertaining. Awesome!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Love it.

This is fairly inventive and I like where you went with it. I do think you could have removed maybe 4 of the events and allowed a bit more room to give more depth to some of the entries.

Very Good

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Wow. I love how you focused on one motif to carry the story. Great work. Definitely one of the more innovative shorts I've read in some time. Loved the execution. I'm sure some may be concerned about the whole scene setup for each, but you can add those later.

It may be difficult with the younger actors, but I hope you shoot this.

Comments Made After the Contest

Olga Tremaine (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 12:06 AM

I think this was the best script this month.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2012 12:50 AM

Congratulations on the Honorable Mention!!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 3:23 AM

Congratulations on the HM, Pete. This was REALLY good!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 4:55 AM

Great script, I think. Congrats.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2012 9:16 AM

My only excellent. The kiss of death for any script. At least it got an Hon Men!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2012 3:34 PM

Excellent. Really liked this one.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 4:30 PM

I also rated this excellent - surprised it didn't place. It's one of my faves.

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 4:44 PM

Thanks for the reviews, everyone, and I'm glad so many enjoyed it. Hopefully some filmmaker with access to forty-eight similarly looking actors (including a fetus) will film it sometime.

@ Carolyn - What happened to you, cool British lady? You're, like, suddenly my number one fan!

@ MJ - actually, I really expected that this might bomb. I almost entered it last year, and then decided to play it safe. Any similarity to winners past was probably only subconsciously stolen.

And, most importantly,

@ Derek A. - For anyone considering it, this absolutely happens to many would-be suicides. I wasn't trying to write an anti-suicide piece by any stretch, but make no mistake, shooting oneself in the head - even in the mouth - is not foolproof. Life doesn't actually suck, but it could if you turn yourself into a vegetable.

And stay in school, kids. And don't do drugs. Well, all right, smoke some weed if you must, but don't do heroin. And don't drink vodka, certainly not Absolut Citron. Cause, oh man, that was one bad night.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh right. Thanks for the reviews.

Derek Anderson (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 6:10 PM

Super jealous of your creativity. You got skills.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/5/2012 3:46 PM

Purely accidental, I can assure you!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/14/2012 2:10 AM

Pete - No matter what you or anyone else says... EVER... I will NOT stop drinking vodka. Absolute's good, but try Grey Goose and some good Russians. It's actually better if you can go to Russia and try the different regional brews, but it's good regardless.

You rocked this one, honey.