Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

That is a good script.

It is very different, challenging, yet I understood what was going on. A good use of FF.

I'm trying to think of something to add. Maybe the twist at the end is a bit abrupt, was there any foreshadowing?? If so I missed it but worth adding. Efficient script to film, tense and emotional.

Well done.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

That's it, the second word in your title page is not capitalized that means it's the worst script ever! I'm kidding.

I'm not familiar with the "JUMP CUT" term. This is the first time that I've heard of it. Nice clean format for me. Your story was easy to follow.

As for your story, I liked it. It was intriguing with a little bit of suspense. It had me guessing as to what was going on. Great dialogue and nice characters.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Great story. Good job.

It's always confusing if you call a character one thing and refer to him as another (MAN...CLONE 36 and now LEO) Choose one and stick to it.

Putting in camera directions like JUMP CUT is the director's job...takes away from the flow of THE STORY which is what you're trying to put across.

The action lines regarding sobs and whimpers on p 3 appear to refer to David, as do other lines. You need to be careful with use of pronouns.

FEMAL?

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I think that the premise is interesting. it took awhile to get into the flow of the story and it was only after I had finished that I was able to piece it together but the twist was pretty good. Your use of VO should be OS I believe. You reference "he" in descriptions when I trhink you should name the character to be clear.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

Interesting premise. I personally think it would play better without so many expletives. Nice twist at the end. Good writing overall, descriptive.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It's an interesting idea-- humanizing the condition of a caged animal.

WRITING
--I didn't really FEEL the 'found footage' set-up.
It was more like a one-room/one-scene script with camera direction. I think you could have made the camera-directions slugliness, because in this instance the new camera angle IS a scene change. (I realize that's not by-the-book screenwriting, but this genre isn't typical and you need to consider bending the rules a little bit to make your vision come alive on paper).
--The Lie Detector.
Cool. But why not have that feature ON the whole time-- like before we realize that it's a lie detector, and 36 says something 'off' about why he gouged out that guy's eye (a little something that won't make sense until the very end).

EMOTION
First Impression.
--You make it a point to tell me he doesn't feel the drop on his butt-bone, which made me think (kudos-- I'm engaged!) what's this sci-fi freak? But within seconds The Voice (that's how I think of 'David') gives it away that he's a clone. BUMMER. I suggest 36 feel the pain it'll let him connect immediately with most of your audience that have been to the hospital and learned they busted up their coccyx.
Dialog.
--"Hey. HEY!" Not very gripping, plus it gives the impression that HE doesn't know WHY-- which is wrong, he knows very well why he's in. The next line is a better start.
--For a CLONE, 36 knows a lot about normal life and company policy; wouldn't the Voice think that's ODD.
--The Voice is a moron. He's nasty but not SADISTIC. His dialog reacts to 36. He should be saying things to get reactions out of 36.

ACTING
--RAW EMOTION. I never felt 36's tears. He never seems desperate. While he's crying, he doesn't do anything that says he's angry. sad. annoyed. scared.-- he just cries and looks at the camera.
--TEARS. When there were tears, it was because of the lie detector, and the camera zoomed in to show us. There wasn't any sobbing to make the camera zoom (or on the other hand, the camera zoom in and then The Voice said things to get 36 to cry).

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I really like this one. I like that is is just one still camera capturing the action and I like the futuristic sci fi feel.

I also love how the bad got his reward in the end and we have a hero who is not bloated but a real hero who cares. I would have loved to know a little bit more about the world like if there was a title card before with the evidence number and maybe naming the place where the footage was taken- just to have more info.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Great opening. We're thrust into. We have no idea what's going on. I was expecting some kind of a-ha moment where everything at once dawns upon us. Instead the situation gradually becomes clear througout the script. Very nice.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

There's a part of me that wanted to like this, but as I went on, the wording in the narrative became clunky and the dialog juvinile. What started off as interesting become less so with a lot of JUMP CUT direction. Eventually narrative is hard to understand - and way too prose. Some examples:

"JUMP CUT TO Clone 36 lies on the floor as if in a coffin."

"JUMP CUT TO Clone 36 sits, with his back to the wall, under
his bloody graffiti, not crying anymore. Calm. Accepting his
fate."

Yes, it's a FF script, where camera direction itself is a chatacter, as those watching are the witness. But the JUMP CUTS, placed here make the read awkward. Italics and bold isn't helping. The bolding of the Clone 36 message needs to be written another way.

This had a chance of going Orwellian, and it was a great idea. The execution is another story.

David Birch (Level 5)

i really felt like this was written at a high level...probably should be "FEMALE (V.O.)"...no big deal...the only reason that i didn't give the top grade was that the story was a little slow to get started...almost as if it were a piece of a longer story...still a very well done piece and should place well in the voting...good luck

David M Troop (Level 4)

A scifi short.
In the future, there will be no courts, no lawyers, no judges, or juries? Just a guy named Dave and his bullshit meter.
That's pretty imaginative.
But what happens if Dave is having a bad day, or is just too lazy to do the paperwork?
Send in the clones. An undercover clone #36 finds out Dave is abusing his power.
That's an interesting concept. Original. You should maybe explore it further if you have the chance.
Some of the formatting was questionable. A few typos.
GOOD effort.

David Serra (Level 4)

Interesting twist and great drama.

Although you have a few typos such as Femal should be Female. Also you should introduce David from the beginning when he starts talking.

Overall, Good.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Uh oh... first line has a punctuation issue. "Like an empty ice box, white, bright, and stark." There should be a period after box, not a comma. Also in your slug: "INT. WHITE ROOM" so there's no need to describe the room as white. It's repetitive. The first line should read: "Like an empty ice box. Bright and stark." Or even: "Like an empty ice box. Bright. Stark."

The blow job joke feels out of place here. I think you should keep a more serious tone. All the "weeping" and "sobbing" and "whimpering" rendered Clone 36 a bit of a sissy. Make him more mysterious and engaging. You portrayed David as a juvenile who abused his powers, so why not have Clone 36 be a fierce, razor-sharp, witty counterpart (ala Hannibal). It would've made it a much more engaging read.

Pg 4 "pages" should be "page"

Pg 5 "FEMAL" should be "FEMALE

The big twist at the end saved this. Good job!

Also, this is being a little nit picky, but I'd capitalize C in control in your title.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

If you're going to use the voice on the other side of the speaker thing, it seems to me like the voice needs to be mysterious. I feel like David just plain talks to much, you could have told the same story without having to have him be such a blabber mouth. The mystery could have been the glue that held this thing together but instead to me everything falls apart because of the lack of said mystery.

It also feels like at times your having the characters cuss just for the sake of it. I'm not against cussing in a script if its done for the right reasons but if its done just for cheap heat or lack of ability to find another way to show frustration then its just off-putting and sophomoric. If you had just had man/clone36/Leo doing it then that would be one thing as it would be well suited to give him a unique and individual voice. Having David cuss the way you do only cheapens him as a character, further taking away from the shroud of mystery that should surround him.

There were also a couple of plot holes that made it impossible for me to get my head into the story, David's reasoning for wanting to kill Clone36 just don't hold water to me once he writes his little message on the wall. Am I to believe that he is so opposed to paperwork that he would rather do all that clean up and take the time to edit it out of the video rather than BS his way through a measly 5 page report? Secondly speaking of the little or I should say not so little message on the wall because there is no way that someone would write that much on a wall in their own blood I mean how big was the wall? how much blood could the guy have gotten out of the tip of his finger? its just way too much.

Overall I wanted to like this, I really did, but once you took away the mystery from David you lost me and I was never able to get back into it.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

The "F" word was used a bit much but I understand writing 'in the moment' with emotion etc. There were a few grammatical errors that were noticeable. Overall the script was a good read good plot.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A very original story that I liked very much. This one earned a VERY GOOD from me. Excellent screenwriting, however, I do have one complaint. Throughout the script, the word HE was used. Now, I knew that HE referred to CLONE 36 but it could have referred to DAVID. As a writer, be aware of pronoun confusion.

Also, the first time A MAN is introduced, I would suggest he be introduced as CLONE 36.

On page 4, David's dialogue: “If I let you out, I'll have to write a five pages report.” PageS should be page.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I honestly don't see much room for improvement because your screenplay is intelligently written and already has a lot of bounce to it.

You may want to consider tweeking Clone 36's dress to either make his appear more vulnerable - (open hospital gown?) or perhaps have a trace of red blood (since he's poked someone's eye out). Red blood in a blaringly white environment would stand out
impressively. And blood is always "icky".

A competent screenwriter can also take his storyline in any direction - and your unexpected twist at the end is perfectly executed. Finally, your dialogue struck me as realistic AND witty. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

I liked this. Clever story. A cop undercover as a clone. Maybe a worthy idea here. Turn off the brights (bolds) they hurt my eyes. VG! I think the two main characters would be fun for actors.

Ian Schneider (Level 1)

Very compelling story, but the ending doesn't make sense to me. Very gripping during the first 4 pages though.

-On p. 5 I think you mean "Female, not Femal"
-David's dialog was fantastic, really drew me in with it's caustic sarcasm and comedy.
-The ending I get lost. Who's he an agent for? What was his mission? All it did was create more questions instead of create a succinct resolution.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 6
Story: 6
Originality: 6
Action: 4
Dialogue: 5
Readability: 4

This was a decent read for the most part, but it just didn't seem to completely come together. There was something missing. I didn't like the way MAN became CLONE 36 who then became LEO.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

First off, kudos for being gutsy enough to enter this month's MP contest. Not a lot of folks did enter (including myself out of sheer laziness) and I was intrigued to see how this topic would be handled.

Initial Gut Reaction: Really enjoyed the suspense and conflict. You created a lot of empathy for Clone 36. Good story arc. Question: So, did David wrongly execute 56 other clones? I wasn't too sure.

Story: Very good. Classic scenario where the protagonist is trapped in a hopeless situation and being tormented by the badass villain with some sneering / taunting dialogue.

Formatting: Seems good to me (but I'm still learning).

Dialogue: Very good! Sarcastic, funny, desperate, suspenseful.

Nit-picking: On the title page, I would capitalize "Control". Is it really "Femal" or should be "Female"?

My own personal reaction: Really enjoyed reading your work. I was on the edge of my seat reading this.

Rating: Very Good

Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

For some reason it was hard for me to understand it. Not the dialog part, but the beginning of it. You introduce your man as a MAN and then switch to MAN/CLONE 36. It got me confused. Then it's only CLONE 36 and I'm thinking it might be 3 people in there. But I know (my logic tells me) it's only two - so a bit of confusion there.
Then again the question - is that man David's clone? I don't know that, so you could have told me that in the dialog maybe. I know he calls him Clone 36.
Said that there were good lines in it. Like David's here "Shame you can't see me, 'cause I'm all tears right now...and out of popcorn."

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think there is a lot about this story that has potential but ultimately it doesn’t quite work in the found footage genre; it feels like an existing script that was forced to fit rather than using the found footage to tell the story. I don’t know WHY we don’t have to see David. What is the significance of the way it’s shot/told?

I really think you have something with this concept of finding the “humanity” in a clone and the inhumanity in a person and would love to see this play out in a more suitable style.

Giving a good

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Riveting story idea. Terrific twist at the end.
Might tweak a little here and there. All the camera directions are rather distracting. POV, the camera zooms into, jump cut to aren't needed. Better to simply tell the story. The instructions have a tendency to pull a reader out of the story.
Unclear what the description, "Readouts overlay on the screen corners; charts and statistics" is meant to portray. The exchanges between David and Clone 36 take place on a surveillance camera; how small are those charts and statistics if they're only in the screen's corners? Assume the voice congratulating Leo is supposed to be FEMALE. Trottier suggests description in place of the term "beat."
Clone 36/Leo turning out to be an agent working undercover works. Didn't understand Leo's last dialogue, though. His question, "How many?--" is answered by a title card that reads, "Video evidence #56"; so, there have been 55 other instances of evidence against David?
The title is a perfect fit. Maybe "control" should be capitalized "Control."

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Great story idea.

Don't write in camera directions unless you're working on a shooting script, which this isn't. Use strong visuals and the reader will see what you want them to see. "Approaches us..." doesn't belong in the script, either. You can talk about the camera here, but don't bring the audience into the script. We're observers, not participants.

Watch your punctuation. You leave out a lot of commas.

Watch your spelling. "FEMAL" may be the nurse's intended name, I suppose, but either add an E or change her name.

When you're proofing, watch for words that have multiple spellings. They're/their/there so easy to miss, to/two/too. You use "too" for "to" in 36's dialogue on page 3.

Introduce your characters by name the first time they appear in the story. Never introduce them generically as a MAN or a WOMAN and then change to using their name, even if it comes soon after. It's confusing.

CLONE 36 is not a really good name. His character is human, not robotic, and you don't include any background for why your imagined society would dehumanize clones. You might want to give him a name followed by a number. LEO 36 would work.

David and Clone 36 have very similar voices. Maybe that's because the audience is supposed to start thinking they're very much alike, just on different sides of the wall. It isn't working well, though. Work on the dialogue.

I know that David's voice is all we get of him, but his presence in the room is tangible and real to the reader. It's almost like he's standing in a corner of the room where we can't see him. When he speaks, the following action segment shouldn't start with "He..." unless it's about him. You do that often. Use "CLONE 36" to describe 36's actions, not "he."

I really do like the story, but it needs a lot of work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is an interesting idea.

That's a really long message to write in blood. Also, it was completely unnecessary if it had already been proved that David was going to kill him. I know you don't have time to explain this, but it seemed strange to me that the clones would have certain rights (execution has to be justified) and not others. I guess the "How many" and "#56" are meant to show that he's unjustly killed 55 clones, but that doesn't really have an emotional impact because the life implied for clones is hardly any better.

Someone regresses to a former or less developed state, so regressing "to the farthest corner" doesn't make sense; "retreats" would be more appropriate. Also "ashamed and regretful" is saying the same thing twice. There are a few moments like that, in action and dialogue, where your wording is awkward.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

I really like that part of script that DAVID wants to kill CLONE 36 just because of laziness of writing a report :) .
The only thing that I want to say is :
I prefer to CLONE 36 try to show his Innocence and finally he found a way ,
Saying sorry is not a good idea in my opinion.
Characters are really good.
Most of scripts are starts good but not good ending,
This one is start fine ,not good in the middle and perfect ending :)

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Dude, this was great. Nice ice box imagery in the opening.

Dialog was excellent.

I have to say, I would have like the ending a bit darker, but I can't count off for that - that's just me.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is good. You've got a verve in your writing style that makes this an enjoyable read even though some of the 'rules' are broken.

You start almost every action line with 'He' often after David has just spoken which can be confusing even though David is only a voice.

You have a few moments of telling us what he feels rather than showing us:

'Accepting his fate.' 'Worry grips his heart'

But I think used sparingly these can be good clues for actors.

There's a lot of exposition in this piece and some of it is not done subtly.

Some of your dialogue is great - the boiled egg line is fab.

It's an interesting sci-fi idea but not explored as much as it could have been due to too much dialogue and some flowery action writing.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is bizarre, ridiculously funny, and doesn't slow down at all to apologize or explain itself. "You stabbed him in the eye with a fucking icepick!" "It won't happen again!" The jump cuts add to the mental short-circuitry, and the sterile white environment plus threats of incineration make for a great sci-fi world without a single sci-fi effect. (Well, I guess the entrances and exits might be tough on a low budget.) David is a great psychopath, killing people to avoid inconvenience.

If there's a problem, it's the bloody message. That's gotta take time, and David's not going to sit there while the clone does it. Still, you avoided the cliche that the clone is David's own - it might be, but, really, what difference does it make? It might be funnier that he's just cloning himself and killing them like pulling the wings off flies, but that's extraneous.

Very well done.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The story works well and makes good use of the found footage.

The format of this could be tidied up in a few places, but those are easy fixes.

"I want to live. Please, sir." - When he says something like this perhaps the green dot could appear.

Him writing on the screen is clever, but it would take a while to write that message. Perhaps it could be more concise.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

Very interesting story and good use of the video concept. The writing on the wall with the blood was a great visual idea. The only thing that really baffled me was why a clone? If it was not a clone, the story would have been the same. So why bother?

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Overall, I really liked this. For a five minute short, it had a lot of interesting twists.

I liked some of the catchy lines, like the "Make it green. Or come out clean."

That thumb must have hemorrhaged a lot of blood because that was a long message to write with just blood from the thumb.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not notice any grammar or formatting errors. The pacing is tightened up.

The story of a clone trapped by its own owner inside of an oven or freezer is abused for the fun of it. This concept is a “What would you do with your clone?” type story. The concept is really cool and refreshing. But I tried and tried so hard to figure out what and who is “evidence 36.” Was David the wrong person he was being accused with? Then I thought maybe that other clones where in another room. What confused me more was that Leo the clone was acting and performing to seek evidence for the female girl. I can’t really piece this story together because of that part. I was thinking that the female were looking for other evidence and other witnesses and actors like the clone to find evidence, but I don’t know if that’s the case. If you could clear this up with a rewrite, I’m sure this will be an excellent project, because right now, I don’t see anything else wrong with this story.

The action lines are visual, and I can see everything in this story-taking place. The visuals remind me of Buried, but I know that’s not something you’re trying to rewrite. With this in mind, you can write so much action on what the POV character can only see or do in one small location. That’s pretty amazing if you ask me.

The dialogue is like clear water. Some of the lines are funny because of the bride his clone has. He would do anything including incest. That’s funny. The dialogue also reveals some important information too. Other than this, I have nothing else to say about dialogue.

We all know that the owner isn’t a likable character. We got his goal, which is to roast his clone. His motivation is clear. He wants to kill him for the fun of it. It’s ridiculously funny in dark way. The clone has a basic need to escape the freezer or oven. The character development is fine the way it is. I’ve spend enough time with them.

If you could clear the incident that confused me, this would be good.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Pretty cool. Glad 36 lived. David was an asshole lol. I like their back and forth. Simple story and I like the ending. Well written too. :-)

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I'm not sure what really happens here:

---
The red circle flashes again.
DAVID
Try harder, punk. Make it green. Or
come out clean.
JUMP CUT TO Clone 36 stands against the wall, arms folded.
---

Did we cut to David, because he doesn't have a V.O.?

***

The twist at the end is very forced and I am not a big fan of the title card either. Wish there was a clevered way for Leo to actually just even use a device to signal the sting guys, or even to freak David out and make him go through some trauma, by, say, blacking out the camera or something, or even smearing the camera lens with his blood?

This needs a polish for the end and it'll be really good.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Very original story. Nice twist. And a pretty good use of the contest's "found footage" requirement.

One thing, though. Some of the up-front, set-up discussion seems a bit misleading, especially when we see what's really going on with David. Clone 36 asks, "Why are you doing this to me?" and David responds, "You poked his goddamn eye out." So, when David is arrested for "unjustified execution of clones", I had to wonder about the eye poking thing. Did this clone poke someone's eye out just to set up this entrapment of David?

Other than that, I really liked it.

My score: Very Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

Novel concept, very well executed. It constantly surprised me over the course of the 5 pages. I really liked the dialogue too. I thought it was a little strange that the clone acted so well that he managed to convince the lie-detector, but then maybe that was controlled by the authorities who eventually arrested David. And the message written in blood was perhaps a bit long to be plausible, maybe something like "I'm innocent" would be better? Overall very good take on the genre.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 1:40 AM

Congratulations, Ammar!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 5:17 AM

Congrats, Ammar! Happy for you!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 5:26 AM

Well done Ammar! Dead chuffed for you! great idea, congrats!

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2012 9:33 AM

I had to give this a 24 hour before I post a comment. I had to make sure Rusty is not manipulating the website to pull a prank on me. It wasn't. I'm very very honored that you rated my script to be placed third in the competition. It has the Oscar Wining feeling to it.

@MJ/Khamanna/Mag
Thank you so much.

I don't know who started the tradition of replying to every reviewer, but I'll try to honor it today. Placing 3rd is an event worth celebration. Your feedback was very helpful, and you guys deserve more than just answers. I thank every single one of you for taking the time to write those notes to help me improve Quality Control. Thank you so much. Here we go:

@Bill Sarre
Thank you for the kind words. I have to admit that there were no foreshadowing. The twist wasnt a fair game, I didn't give the reader the chance to predict. I'll see how I can hint it in the beginning.

@Byron Matthews
I also used the terme jump cut for the first time. It came in handy. It's used to indicate that clips are being cut out off the sequance to remove the uninteresting moments out of a footage. Glad not confuse you guys this time with a complicated story. Thanks.

@Caroline Coxon
I allowed myself to use JUMP CUT because it's a found footage, and the terme is simply a description how the footage is being playedback or edited. Like fastforward and such. Never intended to direct. But since it's an evidence to be used in the court they have to keep only the essential parts. That was a stupid mistake on my part, it was supposed to be FEMALE. I only got you guys to proofread my work and I can do it with the 5-pagers because of the anonumity policy. I'm honored that you think my story was great. Thank you so much.

@Chris Setten
I agree that the story started with a slow pace. I'll to fix this. I struggled a lot if I should repeat the name or just use "he". I decided the later. I had to count on the fact that all visual actions should be connected to Clone 36 since David was never present in the room. The book I use for reference for formatting states that O.S. is used only of the character is in the scene. Thank you.

@Chris Westfield
I hade to use expletive since the nature of the story is crude itself. A man would swear if his life is threatened. And David is heartless man so expletives won't be a problem for him.

@Christina Anderson
-- Writing: I didn't want to confuse, I prefred to focus on the story. But I agree the piece doesn't have FF feeling to it.

--Lie Detector: I couldn't start with right away. I didn't want to introduce too many things right off the opening. I wanted to use it as an intersting addition to keep the reader expecting more. But I can see that your suggestion might be the sultion for foreshadowing the latest twist.

--Emotion: For "Not feeling the pain of the fall" I wanted to give the impression this is not a regular human very early, so when I reveal it's a clone it would be a smooth reveal. I had to mislead you into believing he's a robot at first.

--Hey! HEY! indicate he's angry, not nessecarly that he doesn't know why he's here.

--Clone 36 has basic knowledge how faculties like these works. It's where they kill the kind of him. David won't suspect anything if Clone 36 had this knowledge.

--David is not playing games. It's just another day in the office. He would at best react to what the clones do or say.

--Acting: Raw emotion: remember he's acting.

@Christina Kishpaugh
Very good point, I'll have to go easy with the use prose. It's damaging the flow of the read.

@David Birch
The pace of the start is a problem. I'll see how can I cut to the chase right away.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2012 9:33 AM

@David M Troop
I'm so sorry for the typos. I have to be more careful next time.

@David Serra
Good point, even though David is not present, I should have given his character a description of some sort. I'll see what to do about this.

@Derek Anderson
The white room is repetitive. I agree. I should replace it with observation room or something.

-- I couldn't give Clone 36 a stong personality. His mission was to prove that David is a merciless criminal. He won't get to prove this being defying. He must beg. But I tried to make him fight back near the end.

@Derek Collins
--David is an employee tasked to observe, I can't make him sound mysterious. I wanted the conflict between the two to be the interesting part of the story not the mystery.

--At the point when Clone 36 wrote the message it was a no returning point for David. He can't let him go out now. He will tell what happened. The 5 page report wasn't the problem anymore. David's secret was out.

--The bloody message was too long. I'll have to fix this. But the words were needed. Since all clones will write I'm innocent and the authority won't pay much attention for the message. And he wasn't innocent. He needed to explain more.

@Donnetta Williams
Sorry about the errors.

@Faith Friese Nelson
When I used his name instead of the pronoun. It felt way to repetitive in the small space of the 5 page script. I had to take a gamble that the reader will take the he for Clone 36 all the time since David is not there in the room.

-- I introduced him as MAN, because I won't to withhold the reveal from you. Also not to confuse right away with the cloning concept. I wanted to use every reveal to keep you reading like a trail of white pebbles.

@Fred Koszewnik
I loved the idea of giving him a more interesting clothing. Even bloodied. Really great suggestion. It will be exelent to build the story atmosphere.

@Gary Rademan
Sorry about the bold style of the font. It was a bad choice on my part.

@Ian Schneider
The ending does need more clear settup. I'll see to that.

@Jordan Littlleton
I wish you have shared what the missing part for you, so I can explain myslef.

@Kelley Allen
"So, did David wrongly execute 56 other clones?" Exactly.

@Khamanna Iskandarova
It's interesting how some readers concluded that clone 36 is David's clone. One of theveasons why I love the feedback here. I tried to make the name change less confusing, I'll have to do better in the rewrite.

@Kirk White
I have to admit that the found footage feel is a bit weak in the piece.

@KP Mackie
I should have focused more on the story, putting less camera directions. I agree.

The question was meant to be: "How many clones David have wrongfully excuted?" and the number of evidence is supposed to indicate how many victims. I admit it was a bit foggy. Should have cleared it out a little bit more.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2012 9:34 AM

@Margaret Ricke
-- I really have a problem with the use of commas.

-- I intentionaly didn't want to give clone 36 a name. He's nobody in a world that doesn't treat him like a human.

-- I'm working on my skill to give every character a distenctive voice. It's very hard for me. But I'm learning from other scripts.


@Martin Jensen
--Even if their life is miserabl, they'll still give a fight for whatever right it's left for them like jusified execution.

--Bad choice of words is a problem I have. I admit.

@Masoud Soheili
--All he can say is that he's sorry. He can't defend himself. They caught him red handed.

@Mike Senkpiel
-- I can really see that a dark ending would have suited the story better, but I'm a sucker for happy endings. I just hated the guts of that David.

@MJ Hermanny
Flowery writing has been pointed to me by reader too many times in other scripts I wrote. I promise to do something about it. I must understand I'm not a poet, I'm a screewriter. I'll train myself to focus on clarity.

@Pete Barry

--Somehow David enjoyed the fruitless act of writing the bloody message, this is why he will let him do it.

--Loved the hint how the entrances and exits will be a production problem for a low budget. Wondeful note. I'll try to change it.

@Philip Whitcroft
--I didn't want to highlight every apearance of the the green circle. I just mentioned it in the critical moments.

@Raymond Kwok
I had to make him a clone to justify the unhumane treatment.

@Reginald Beltran
I knew writing the whole message with a single wound wouldn't be plausible. I just got lazy at that point and shrugged it off. Maybe he got hymophilia. :D

@Reginald McGhee
Good point. I must explain a bit more about the whole undercover thing. I must put somehints somehow on who is trying to frame whom. You're right.

@Rik Battaglia
Thank you so much for your kind words.

@Rustom Irani
My bad. I forgot to put V.O. next to David in that line. Sorry for the confusion.

@Scott Merrow
David talked to Clone 36 that way to confront him with the crime "as if" he witnessed it himself, to see how he react to the accuasation. But the fact is that David know this only from Clone's 36 file. He didn't really see him doing it.

@Shane Harkin
I wanted to give the impression that Leo was so good he even fooled the lying detectors.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2012 9:37 AM

Thank you all. I just can't thank you enough. Wish you all success and good fortune in your careers, screenwriting included. Watch out for me. I'm working my way up the ladder.

P.S. sorry for all the typos and errors in my comments.

Justin Ryan Colon (Level 4) ~ 11/26/2012 7:07 AM

Ammar,

Hello. Congratulations on your success with this script! I sent you a message regarding production of the script. I hope to hear from you.

Best,

Justin

Gary Kennedy (Level 0) ~ 11/28/2012 3:26 PM

This script was great! I love small casts shorts. And even more I love twists that I don't see coming.

The only thing in opinion it could use is just formatting. Possible changing the jump cuts to new scene headings or just moving it to the right which is where I normally see it.

Other than that nit picking, I loved it! I look forward to reading more.

- Gary

Marriot Hughes (Level 0) ~ 12/14/2012 9:48 PM

I enjoyed it thoroughly - although as with a couple of previous comments, not sure about the 'found footage' link.

Genuinely lol'd at the 'you're going to kill me over a report' reply: "Well, obviously, you've never written one. You wouldn't understand." Yeah. I understand.

The dialogue felt natural, mostly. Maybe a couple of lines were clunky ("He was harassing me since he was moved to our department") but that's a personal response, it's not like it felt flat.

The plot's nice n tight, kept me with it all the way. And the twist was twisty as well -the clone getting humanised, the main character dehumanised.

It'd be pedantic to make too much of the occasional typo and apostrophe abuse. Overall it read well, and the odd little thing didn't get in the way. The only area I think needs work is some of the action lines got a bit confused with David's dialogue, followed by "He does something" - I guess you wanted to avoid repeating "The clone does something" but it would have helped the read.

But it was a well delivered, original, cleverly done, 1-person-in-a-room script.

Me likey :)

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 12/15/2012 12:56 AM

Thanks Marriot Hughes for the kind words and the honest feedback. I do admit that some if the lines need rewriting. And also using "he" after David's lines was a bit confusing. I will take every point you mentioned in consideration when I start rewriting. (I'm doing it soon)

Thanks again.