Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

That was a funny ride. I enjoyed it. I loved the explanation of the zombies presence. It served as a great twist. But what I think was a problem in this script is that I didn't understand what the meeting was about. Yes, it was part of the mystery, but when you kept it hidden you lessened the strength of the last twist impact. It only made sense when Jeremy spoke his last lines. If you just told us more clearly that they just want to calm down employees, it would have been perfect.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

That was a strange one.

It started off well although too many characters introduced to remember then it went weird when a zombie eats someone's brain etc

I thought the idea of a conference call as the FF was an excellent idea, different to others an with good potential, but zombies eating people because of a pay rise, didn't work for me. I appreciate there was some dark humour but something seemed weird. Basically the others just got eaten or killed without out much affect on the others. Why have six characters in a five pager?

To be honest I thought there was a good opportunity for a drama played out.

All the best.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

The humor wasn't my cup of my team, but I thought it was admirably that you tackled such a tough monthly challenge. I'll admit I did find myself scrolling back to the beginning to remember which characters were who. There are some parts that made me chuckle, but most of it was just ho-hum. The script was easy to read and follow.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

Boy, was I duped. The title here screamed bland and so I set my expectations accordingly. Then I'm taken on a roller coaster ride. I thought the story was original and well executed. There were several lines that made me laugh out loud. The end twist was great and I had no idea what it was going to be. You kept me guessing throughout. Bravo.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

A knock on the door sounds like someone knocking, zombie don't knock. Ok this is very tongue in cheek, good I like the direction it goes. lol, "nobody eats my annuities product manager." Haha this ends like the HR division of Cabin in the Woods.

So everything works however, your lack of sluglines is a bit of a cheat. Right now it's all the webcam feed of Jeremy's office. You'd have to have new slug lines when we cut to the other feeds.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

The writing was good. No camera directing, which is a breath of fresh air (too bad it smelt like zombies). It shows a mastery of scriptwriting.

Zombies as a comedic situation; there's too much meat left on the bone.
--It's not until Jeremy is the last exec let that he even acknowledges the zombies (and that they're the problem-- the way they act, the zombies are just management terminating another position).
--There has to be some jokes here-- Donna: "Those mindless zombies on the floor-- they want..." Tom (observing the situation): "they're hungrier than ever..."
--Make sure you set-up the jokes, the shark-scheme needs more (like Jeremy: "it's a blood fest on the floor what are we going to do?" down goes the Brit, Tom:"they're hungrier than ever; can't we fire them?" Jeremy:"can't. cheap labor, management loves them." Saresh: 'shark containment scheme')

I graded this a GOOD-- on the writing alone, I in no way consent to the zombie theme.

Crystal Kelly (Level 1)

The camera perspective was there. We could see from each character's POV. I'm guessing this was supposed to be a comedy by everyone's reaction at the fate of those eaten by zombies. The dialogue wasn't very clear to me. I wasn't sure what was being discussed; were the zombies being bribed, were they a part of society and were rioting because they weren't being treated fairly? I'm not quite clear as to what was going on other than that it was a conference call and all except Jeremy were eaten by Zombies.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

"Team spelled backwards is Meat!" says Donna. Since this ff script reads like a office farce/horror parody, I'll chalk it up to character error and not writer error. I hope other readers will let it pass as well. The joke is slightly repetitive, but also effective. One of the better entries, and enjoyed the satire. Wish all flesh-eating zombie attacks happened with most Horrible Bosses!

David Serra (Level 4)

Interesting.

Well-written and I espescially liked the ending.

A unique zombie script that I think would be fun to film. I think if you tightened it up a bit and made it more clearer then this would be a hit.

As-is VG.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

I think the main issue with this is TONE.

I'm guessing we weren't supposed to take this seriously, but this was absurd. It started off with manager/CEO-types on a conference call for an emergency. Good. Nice setup with a little mystery. Then came the childish banter. Ok, maybe that's just bad dialog. Then the Zombies come bursting through the door. COOL ZOMBIES. But, wait. The managers act very nonchalant about the situation. Why? Then one leaves his room to run from them, which in turn means he's running right into them. Then another, a 40 year old woman, beats them to death with a rock. Then the ending was just like WHAT THE FUCK.

I don't know, weird choices all around. Maybe I missed it...

You're punchline at the end borders on offensive. I love a good race joke, but I felt this one was a little flat for my taste.

As for the technical side of the found footage, I was having a hard time following some of what was going on. Mainly when Tom decides to run. How are we watching him run to his car? How are we watching him lock himself in a closet? If we're being told that we're watching him throw a conference call monitor, there's no way he panics and leaves but takes that monitor with him so everyone else can watch. It just isn't logical. So clarification on how we are actually watching all this go down would help the reader.

Good luck.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Oh boy... where do I begin, The beginning had me interested in where you were headed, I had all these ideas running around my head about where the conference call was heading and what it was all about then BOOM! like a snake bite! ITS A ZOMBIE MOVIE! I almost feel like if I have to read another zombie movie script I'm going to become a freaking zombie myself.

I will say that unlike usual the dialog in this one doesn't suck. It's rare for a zombie movie to have anywhere near decent dialog and I thought the dialog in this one was actually quite good. All of the action stuff is just typical, even a tad uninspired at points. But then at the end you turn things around again and end on quite the funny little joke.

Overall I give you some points for it being a little witty but even witty zombie movies are a dime a dozen now days, this is one of those things that many people really enjoy, it just doesn't do anything for me.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

Disturbing, scary and yet funny. Out of the box story line. Good job enjoyed reading it this would be an interesting film project. Not a zombie fan but the story line was original, it will definitely keep the audience intrigued.

Ethan Lane (Level 2)

IMHO, none of the reactions of the people were believable, and the dialogue was... under par.

At least for me, I would be more apt to laugh if the reactions to watching their coworkers get eaten was more of horror than irreverence and one-liners. There's comedy here, somewhere, but it's so unlike reality that I wasn't sure what was supposed to be happening and my brain didn't know what to laugh at. Hope that makes sense. The rest of the comedy would be better if there were just a hint of realism in there.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I'm not a fan of zombie scripts but I won't hold that against you. The writer has a firm command on screenwriting format. However, there are a few comments:

Only write what will be filmed. When the characters are introduced, SIMONE is introduced as a “British” lady and Donna is introduced as being “mid-menopausal.” These two descriptions should be shown later, through accented dialogue or through actions.

Too many capital letters: A ZOMBIE LEAPS ON SIMONE and EATS HER BRAIN.

The CONT'Ds in dialogue are not needed. If you use Final Draft, this feature can be turned off.

Felipe D. Machado (Level 4)

This was a lot of fun!

I liked the conference call approach to Zombies. Overall it wasn't an amazing story, but you definitely entertained.

I'm not a big fan of bleeps and bloops in the action lines but it didn't bother me so much here. It was a quick way to tell us when someone joined and when someone died. You have an EXTREMELY clean writing style. Everything made perfect sense.

I loved the part where the guy was being attacked by zombies and someone made a joke at his expense and they all laughed heartily. For some reason that just feels like it would be hilarious on screen.

Nice humor throughout. Keep up the good work!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

On the first read thought I was put off by the thought of actually dealing with a zombie theme. On the second reading, I'd gotten over my reluctance and found your screenplay HILARIOUS, entertaining and well crafted.

I also learned that one of the keys of comedy is the incongruous fitting together of "straight" serious acceptance of an altogether absurd situation. You've succeeded at this brilliantly and your screenplay can only deserve an excellent.

Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The quick introduction of four people made for quick confusion - is Saresh an actual kid and what gender? Sure you need Z victims but the number of characters made it difficult to figure out who was who and who was the main character. Cool Z action but the Mexican comment was flat for me.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 5
Story: 6
Originality: 8
Action: 8
Dialogue: 7
Readability: 6

Over all this was pretty good. I saw a lot of opportunities for humor that were missed. Even so, this was one of my favorites due to the originality.

Kellen Playford (Level 1)

A good idea which is on the whole humorously written, but there are stages with slightly clunky dialogue which bogs the script down a little and stutter the flow.

The introductions of zombies is an unexpected twist, but the final twist of the zombies acting as warehouse workers fighting for better pay is a funny surprise as well.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

First off, kudos for being gutsy enough to enter this month's MP contest. Not a lot of folks did enter (including myself out of sheer laziness) and I was intrigued to see how this topic would be handled.

Initial Gut Reaction: Very funny! I completely appreciated all the corporate humor. Reminded me of OFFICE SPACE.

Story: Good story arc.

Formatting: I didn't see any errors.

Dialogue: Very good!
I just read an article about business cliches and recommend that you should definitely milk it for all it's worth. Google "89 Business Cliches That Will Get Any MBA Promoted And Make Them Totally Useless". Lots of good fodder here if you really want to take your corporate lingo up a notch.

Characters: At first, I thought you had too many characters since I had to keep on going back to figure out who was who. However, it was hysterical to see all the characters get killed off.

Rating: Very good.

Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The zombie leaping on Simone was highly unexpected. It's a good idea, some of it was funny - like when they agreed to call Mike and a zombie ate him right in front of their eyes.
Why is it being filmed though? I think, it might work better as a regular movie.

Kirk White (Level 5)

very clever use of the challenge; I love that you've captured the spirit of the Romero films in this short. good job...giving a very good

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Funny scenario. Is the situation Jeremy's handling with the conference call concerning the zombies or is the zombies' havoc just coincidence? Probably doesn't matter...
Character descriptions are well done. Made it real easy to follow these workers.
Not entirely sure that Jeremy should escape zombie-wrath at the end. Everyone else is annihilated except him, and he possibly escapes with "a cheesy grin?"
Terrific title.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

When I first started reading this I was thinking that there'd better be a twist. Boy, did you deliver. Twice.

I didn't notice any problems with formatting, spelling or punctuation.

Each character is distinct and has a unique voice. Having been to more than my fair share of corporate meetings, I can say that you nailed the dialogue.

The end of this is such a good visual. I can see the look on the zombie's face perfectly!

Really, really good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Nice satire.

"I will not suffer your incompetence any longer"
For someone who's angry, this seems very wordy. Maybe that's part of the joke.

"A ZOMBIE LEAPS ON SIMONE and EATS HER BRAIN."
These moments were funny. I hope it was supposed to be, but given the other details (the great white sharks), it's fairly clear you're not trying to be scary.

Very good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

TITTLE:
Its too simple .Could be better as you have zombies in your script.

STORY:
Is it comedy-horror genre.Right?
I don't like comedy in short movie,myself.
But this one has a good idea,
I think you must write location details of others who are in webcam...
You just explained JEREMY's office.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This is really great. One of the best one this month. Way to make me hate Simone so that I want a zombie to eat her brains. And boom - instant gratification. Ahh, it's nice being in the hands of a talented writer.

Great reveal at the end. Excellent all around!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I have no idea what a webcam video box is so I instantly feel stupid and don't want to like your script.

Are we watching a screen? Online?

How do we know the character is cynical? Menopausal? Proper? - you need to show us. Don't give us all those adverbs, that's lazy writing, show us in how your characters behave and speak.

If the audience sees Simone's head being eaten by the zombie why don't the others? Surely we can only see what they see.

TEAM spelled backwards is: MAET

This doesn't really stick to the challenge as it doesn't explain how all the action is seen - how is Tom seen in the parking lot? etc

The humour is OK I guess, none of them react to the zombies and it all gets repetitive. The characters are all the same, the dialogue is samey and the punchline just isn't quite strong enough.

Your enthusiasm and exuberance shine through though and lift this somewhat.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a solid amusing parody. It’s good that you’ve gone for it and not held back. I’m not sure what else to say, since it’s a script that is what it is. Obviously it’s not going to be for everyone, but there’s no harm in that.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

Wow. This was quite a ride. It was so bizarre and yet it is very funny. I am sure on film it would even be funnier. Some of the dialogue was a bit stilted, but then it sort of fit the surreal situation. Being a big zombie fan, I would have liked to see more interesting ways of zombies killing and being killed. Other than that, fantastic imagination to come up with something like this.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

A little slapstick for me, but the dialogue is good. Snappy with some catchy lines like "Team is meat."

I didn't get who was filming Jeremy. I was expecting Jeremy to stare back at us (a la Ferris Bueller) and tell us to go away, like we're part of the conference call. Overall, it's good because I liked the dialogue.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

This is the story of top management who hire zombies to do their work, which is hilarious! And then the zombies begin demanding compensation by threatening to eat their brains if they don’t comply.

With this in mind, I feel that the characters didn’t really react to the situation when they just continued to work their butts off not caring or reacting to the other managers’ attack. I don’t know. I just don’t think it’s a real reaction. I felt like I haven’t really spent enough time with the characters.

What’s a video box? Is that a webcam? And to be honest, I really don’t know what the setting of this office is like. When a video box fades out, are we watching this through the perspective of a video screen as the characters walk into the office? I’m quite confused with the setting. Maybe if you could clear this up, I’d probably get this.

The visuals are well told. The description lines gives us information about the story, and its setting, although I don’t get what place this is. I’m afraid that there’s not enough detail as to what the office look like. I found it hard to visualize this due to lack of clarity on my part. You might have clarified this to the other readers. So it’s probably my fault.

The dialogue is good. I enjoyed listening to these busying, and complaining employees with zombies on their tail. The dialogue also helps us define the characters’ personalities. You done well writing crisp dialogue.

Overall, my only probable with this script is that I don’t understand the setting and what the black box is.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

---
DONNA (CONT’D)
TEAM spelled backwards is MEAT!
---

Funny, but it isn't correct. It'd be MAET.

***

LOL! Well, this was really creative use of the team and the premise has a great twist. Lots of fun, and man do we have another great zombie script to add to the other great ones on MP!

Excellent!

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Unique and very funny -- office politics punctuated with some zombie mayhem. (Man, MoviePoet people sure do LOVE zombies.)

This is a really funny script for two reasons: 1) great writing, and 2) the whole concept is just so off-the-wall. Kinda Monty Python-ish.

Like a lot of the scripts in this month's contest, though, (I'm about halfway through reviewing them), the requirements of the contest make for some puzzling, head-scratching moments. For example, when Tom tries to run away, is he filming himself on his cell phone while zombies are attacking him? (C'mon, Tom, drop the phone and run!)

But that's just a technicality. (Requires a little suspension of disbelief, I guess.) Regardless of that stuff, it's a very funny script and well written. There are some really funny lines, too. Jeremy: "But I'm sure he'll be disappointed that we couldn't handle this one little thing." And, Jeremy: "Okay, so much for Mike." And I like no-nonsense Donna the best. "Are we calling this a 'situation' now?" And her entire dialogue block about no I in TEAM is hilarious.

And a great ending -- it turns out that all the zombies want is a pay raise and better benefits. Of course.

I really enjoyed this one.

My score: Excellent.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

Loved it! To be honest, you had me hooked with the webcam conference call idea alone. I was not expecting one of the most entertaining and original zombie scripts I've read in a while. I can't fault it, the ending is just right, I had a smile on my face the entire time I was reading it. Great work.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I'm quite fond of zombies so enjoyed this entertaining story. Lots of fun & great sense of humor. The ending was perfect.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Very well written and cute. I'm just so tired of zombie stories.

Comments Made After the Contest

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2012 4:55 AM

This was my absolute favorite for the month and for me takes the spot amongst the best Zombie scripts here at MP!

Chris Setten (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2012 10:37 AM

My favorite of the month as well. Excellent.

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 3:03 PM

Thanks for all the helpful comments as usual, everyone, to the people who loved it, and the people who hated it.

And, yes, I know how to spell TEAM backwards. :) (There is no I in TEAM. However, as my helpful manager once pointed out, there is an M and and E.)

Shane Harkin (Level 3) ~ 7/1/2012 5:35 PM

Just wanted to reiterate how much I liked this, it was my favorite of the month by far. I'm actually tired of zombie stories, it's a genre that I generally assume to be completely exhausted but this script did the seemingly inthinkable by proving that there's some life in the old dog yet.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2012 7:52 AM

I did a bit didn't I? Absolutely rubbish at comedy, reading and writing them. I sometimes just don't get it at all. Ho hum. Loves ya too!

Chris Setten (Level 4) ~ 7/5/2012 9:16 AM

Not sure whether I'm calculating correctly but when you hand calculate your score, you beat third place winner.

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 7/5/2012 9:26 AM

@Chris

I have noticed that too, Chris. Running the numbers puts my score at 333 versus "Quality Control"'s 332. But you have to remember, the percentages are rounded off. I have 37 reviews. Whatever the percentage of Excellents I received, it wasn't exactly 19%. If my Excellents were rounded up, and "Quality"'s Excellents were rounded down (or Fairs rounded up) that could easily account for the extra point or two. I think I have to resolve myself to yet another fourth place.

For what it's worth, I think Ammar's entry was worthy of taking third place.

Chris Setten (Level 4) ~ 7/5/2012 10:09 AM

Okey dokey. Now I need to get a life outside of calculating other people's scores on MP.

Scott Merrow (Level 5) ~ 7/5/2012 10:33 AM

The real head scratcher is that two people gave this excellent script a "poor". Holy cow! They must have incredibly high standards.

And none of the reviews seem to correspond with a "poor" rating.

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 7/5/2012 12:38 PM

Hey, Chris, I understand. I've said before, I can't leave a math problem alone. It's a sickness.

For instance, you inspired me to find the actual scores (by taking rounding into account). It turns out to be "Quality control" at an average 3.342 and "Conference Call" at 3.324, a difference of .018. Or, more concretely, I'd have needed one more "Very Good", or one reviewer to up their score by one category. It sounds like dithering or rationalizing, but I don't really have an emotional investment in it - I'm just curious.

Although that analysis is helpful to me, in a way. I think "Quality control" and "Conference Call" are very similar in certain ways - they're both outlandish, very dark comedies. People may love them or hate them, or just "not get them". They are, according to the scores, essentially equal in appeal. (It's no surprise to me that I loved Ammar's script.) They are very different sells than the top two scripts, which pulled far away from the pack with their averages (over 3.5). That tells me that maybe I have to either resign myself to being a niche writer (which I'm fine with) or I need to think more about my audience (if I want to broaden it). Right now, I think I'll stick with the former.

See? Math does tell you things.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/9/2012 8:11 AM

For what it's worth, I can still pull up several strong visuals from this script without going back to read it. When I think 'zombie' of late, I see that face at the end of your story. I've even described it to a couple of people.

I don't understand your 'niche' comment here. Your work runs the gamut (I did go check on that) and you always do pretty well.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 7/14/2012 11:52 AM

Dang it. If only I'd got round to reading this - (completely snowed this month) - I WOULD have given it an excellent.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 7/14/2012 9:26 PM

This is hilarious. Like Caroline, I'd have given it an Excellent.

This is also VERY filmable. I hope someone hits you up on it.

Great work!