Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Loved the concept. I liked how he convinced her to come with him. What I didn't like is that the conflict never built to a climax. What was an easy ride for all the characters. I wanted to have him as a psycho who would stop at nothing to drag her with him. I wanted real conflict. Never make it easy for your characters, this is how you kill the drama in any story.

Arsenij Voitko (Level 2)

In general, I liked the writing. Clean, very easy to read, no dinosaur paragraphs.

Page 2: Instead of “explain to me,” something like “explain to us [viewers, audience]” might work better here. On the other hand, I'm not sure whether they say things like that in documentaries, so "explain to me" might still be better.

Bentley wants Annie to film it. An option would be him wanting to do the experiment off camera and objecting to filming it. Another conflict, might work.

I thought that 15-year old Bennie sounds and acts not much different from 11-year old Bennie. This could be something you can play with. The tension between him and Annie, the misunderstanding can be huge. It’s like, you know, a guy enlists in the army, a couple years go by, he returns home to his girlfriend and she can’t recognize him – he’s so different! (Well, he’s probably not much different, but for Bentley four years is a lot.) Bentley definitely changed; he’s at least supposed to be interested in girls right now (not 11-year olds, don’t get me wrong). Maybe he has a girlfriend in the future? Definitely something to play with.

The staying in the future for four years because it’s Utopia tells us something about Bentley. What would a normal guy do if his girlfriend (or a friend, anyway) remained in the scary bloody dangerous past in an orphanage where she’s cold and hungry when he finds himself in Utopia? He tries to get her into that Utopia as soon as possible. At least for sharing the joy of that Utopia together; never mind the several seconds in Annie’s time. But Bentley stayed there for four years before getting back, having fun. Interesting. And in the end, Bentley grins. Sinister.

A couple of personal thoughts, you can skip this part altogether. I thought that the ending is too freaking sad. I mean, we’re aspiring writers, right? Filmmakers, to say so, just like Annie. How many of us will make it? And if one of us was shown what was shown to Annie, what would we do? Hang ourselves? Or, say “screw the time machine, it means that the effort I’m putting in film making is not enough and I’ll work harder,” and pursue our dream anyway? It's a dream, right? Why give up so easily? The ending is fine, I guess. But the moral conclusion of it is too depressing.

Best of luck in further writing!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

A wonderfully original story!

Great conflict on page four; does Annie follow Bentley to Utopia, or does she try to follow her dream of becoming a documentary maker? Kind of interesting dilemma as one reason for making documentaries could be to make the world a better place (by informing people), so it must come as a shock to hear that the future is Utopia any way.

A very cool turn, Bentley shows her she'll never be a documentary maker, so now the choice becomes between becoming a cook for life, or an uncertain but adventurous future. She chooses the latter.

Some minor nitpicks;

1) the names Annie and Bentley end with the same sound. It is best to keep the names in scripts as different as possible for easier reading. Different lengths, different first and last sounds.

2) It feels a bit cramped for a short. I can see this being expanded into a full story, feature length even. The idea is big enough. With so few pages, and much plot, I didn't feel like I got to know the characters, that I got to care for them.

3) The title, not so sure... "Two Children Reported Missing" suggests something bad happened, whereas something good happened, they went to Utopia.

This is a story for children, a modern day fairy tale. Once upon a time ... and they lived happily ever after.

An original story using time travel. Love it! Giving this a VG.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

If only that was the only reason children go missing from orphanages.

I liked the girl filming ger documentary. Basic, hopeful, realistic etc and I like the friend with mad ideas wanting to go elsewhere, but a time machine in cardboard boxes! Not for me.

The reveal of her as cook didn't quite work. I think I would have prefered her to stay, grime and all as someone who has accepted life rather than run away. Ie make the film a challenge between escape and her dreams, a bit more than is played out.

Good effort.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I thought you did an excellent job of conveying this month's challenge. I'm pretty sure it wasn't easy. It's a good title, and overall, the stories not bad. The format's pretty clean and very easy to follow. The characters were a bit m'eh, and the ending was okay. The stories lacking a bit of suspense, action, mystery, or some sort of emotion. But it's still a good story.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I liked the story, it was a love story of sorts.I have a soft spot for orphan stories and you executed it well. Some on the nose writing and the end disappointed as it kind of faded quickly but it was a feel good story that touched me so kudos to you.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

I wasn't clear what the kids were trying to escape. There motivation other than being an orphan. This had a nice Radio Flyer feel to it. Writing is well written. Good job.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

I reluctantly LIKE this script about time-machines. (I admitted it okay. Leave me alone.)

[yay! someone used formatting for camera directions]

I was a little offended that Annie couldn't be a filmmaker in the future. Its kinda like a slap in the face you killed that dream. (this not a criticism in anyway; just an observation)

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I liked the feel of this one. It was kind of a Sandlot type feeling for me.

One thing I didn't like was her future in the newspaper article- why the flip would she be a cook? We dont know her as a cook and just to suddenly make it what she does is really random and throws off the story a lot. WHy can't she be a filmmaker in the future? I'm sure they have films then. Let her dreams come true,

Crystal Kelly (Level 1)

I believe this writer followed the guidelines well opening with a camera as well as making the subject matter a documentary; implicating the continual presence of the camera throughout. I thought the concept was very good. To me I felt it had an undermined meaning to it such as just because the world deems you as invaluable doesn't mean you must deem yourself that way. Annie and Bentley were both orphans yet they both strove to be better than their labels and in the end one strive helped the other escape a life that would define them by who they seemed to be and not who they were. I enjoyed the script.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

I'll rate this as good because it is that up until the last two pages. The time travel angle with Bentley coming back four years older ruins the story for me. Bentley convincing Anna/Annie to come with him is also suspect. Let me break it down:

1 - Bentley says he spent "four years" in the year 2212. Four years? He's not only an orphan, but would not know anyone in that timeline. That's four years without his best friend let alone any friend.

2 - Bentley gives Anna an Orb which states of every recorded newspaper item. The problem with it is that it is the wrong article to show. It should be a story on how Bentley and/or Annie went missing. The only possible way for the article shown to even exist is if Annie came back in time and left Bentley in the future. That may be overthinking it, but if she goes with him and stays, that event never took place. It is also going under an assumption that Annie would be "unhappy" with her accomplishment. I suppose in the mind of an 11 (or 15 year old) it wouldn't be....if that was the only thing. At 88, is it the "only" thing Annie has done with her life? That's the suggestion. NO family of her own. No other jobs other than volunteer work. Not to mention that charity work is frowned upon. But there's a more bigger problem...

3- Annie never became a filmmaker/ documentarian. This is extremely false. I know it's the premise of the title, but...this is 'found footage' right? Here you have a young filmmaker who has caught on camera *something fascinating*!! At the very least she'd make the six o' clock news. Just sayin.

David Serra (Level 4)

Then what? I would've liked it if you ended it in an unexpected twist. Plus, Bentley kind of got on my nerves in the end and I personally don't think there is such thing as a perfect world.

Fair.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Anna Marie De La Cruz... wow that's a helluva long name for a 5 pager.

You describe Annie as a "pretty Hispanic" girl, who happens to be 11. This is a lazy description, IMO. With a name like De La Cruz, we're already picturing a Hispanic girl. Pretty? What 11 year old girl isn't cute and pretty? Even the "ugly" ones are still innocent enough to be considered pretty. Maybe I'm being a little harsh, but I see this kind of description all the time. Give us a trait (bubbly) or a distinguishing feature (maybe she's chubby, maybe she's super tall), just give us SOMETHING other than pretty. She is our protag, so we need a good description for her.

Very good description for Bentley Barnes.

"And I don’t really care about utopia -- I just want to make documentaries." -- wait? What? Is she on crack?

Then Annie finds out that she actually does something good with her life by helping others, and THAT depresses her enough to say fuck it and move to 2212?

Weird choices...

I've never been a fan of stories where 11 year olds can build something grand like a time machine... especially out of a cardboard box.

You're writing is good, but this just wasn't my cup of tea. It gets a GOOD.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

I've always felt that one of the reasons we don't have time travel yet is because we don't have enough 11 year olds working on it lol... But seriously though you managed to tell a story in only 5 pages that still felt very complete, good job. There really isn't anything in this one to offer any suggestions on because you did a wonderful job.

After coming back a couple of weeks later after having read and reviewed every script for this month I have to say that yours and one other script are tied for being my favorite of the contest. You really did write a wonderful story and I hope that someone decides to make a short out of this because I would just love to see it.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

Good story. Great flow. Though a short script the pace and character build up lets you feel a connection between the characters which makes the story more appealing.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Excellent story and script. It earned an EXCELLENT from me.

My major concern has to do with how the two characters were introduced

ANNA:
As written: “A young girl stands before a massive Victorian-Era building. She's ANNA MARIA DE LA CRUZ (11), aka ANNIE, a pretty Hispanic girl. She addresses the camera.”

Consider the following instead: “ANNA MARIA DE LA CRUZ (11), aka ANNIE, a pretty Hispanic girl stands before a massive Victorian-Era building.”

I would suggest the following be completely deleted: “She addresses the camera...”

BENTLY: As written: “The front door bursts open and a young boy runs out. He leaps down the stairs three-at-a-time, heading toward Annie and the camera. He's small, dishevelled, thick unfashionable glasses, a nerdy-looking kid. He's BENTLEY BARNS (11). He's excited.”

Consider the following instead: “BENTLEY BARNES (11), a small, dishevelled with thick unfashionable glasses, bursts through the front door. He leaps down the stairs three-at-a-time towards Annie and her camera.”

I believe “He's excited.” can be completely deleted as this was shown through Bentley's actions.

One page 3, when Bentley returns in the time machine, the writer states “He's fifteen years old!”. I had to page back to page one to find out his original age. Consider something like the following instead: “The hatch opens and Bentley, taller and four years older, emerges.”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A thoughtful, intelligently written(implausible though also sweetly charming) script.
My best criticism:
- Your title may give away too much of your ending
- Some minor unnecessary overwriting IMO
"Here's (OMIT - another of St. Jerome's orphans.) my best friend Bentley Barnes."

Otherwise, one good romp of a story. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The story wasn't about time travel or missing kids but Anna's dreams. That was cool. I wish she would have stayed to prove the point that dreams are important even if people tell you they're never going to happen.

VG!

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

I enjoy this one quite a bit. I love that from the beginning, you can tell Annie has a dream and you want her to succeed and become more than just an orphan. I love that Bentley, who seems to have a hard time in social situations, has used his genius to propel himself (and his best friend) somewhere where they can have a better life. I felt bad for Annie when she realized that her life in this day and age will never become any better than what it is, but happy for her when she agreed to try something very new, and possibly better. I love the imagination of interesting gadgets two hundred years from now, and how Bentley was able to use one to convince Annie that she really would be better off joining him. Good luck, kids. Hope the future is fun!

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 2
Story: 2
Originality: 3
Action: 3
Dialogue: 2
Readability: 3

This was an unpleasant read. All of the brackets for the camera positioning were unnecessary. The dialogue was unrealistic. The whole script was loose. The story was unoriginal. Once I gave up on format and just read it as a story, it was still lacking any kind of substance.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

First off, kudos for being gutsy enough to enter this month's MP contest. Not a lot of folks did enter(including myself out of sheer laziness) and I was intrigued to see how this topic would be handled.

Formatting: Very good. Not a lot here to nit-pick.

Dialogue: Too many exclamation marks. Tone it down just a wee bit. Also, you use the word "c'mon" five times. Try to vary your slang here.

Story: Who doesn't like the idea of a time machine? However, the ending seems flat to me in regards to Annie escaping into the future because of the revelation that her life didn't turn out as exciting as she was anticipating.

Perhaps add some sort of conflict here? Maybe adult Bentley falls in love the older Annie? Or he comes back to save her from something. Just a few suggestions.

Overall: Good

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I thought it would be a crime documentary at first. Annie started talking about the school - thought there was something wrong with it, something bad happened in there, or maybe mystical.
Maybe the title isn't very fitting, or the way you started the script sounds very strong and very different to the rest of it.
The theme is different.
I liked the second half too - when the boy makes Annie rethink who she's rather be in the future. I'm just thinking the script took unexpected development - time machine and all.
It's original and fun though.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Not wild about the title but love the concept…the idea of someone going into the future to find out if someone fufils her dreams and bringing back “proof” is an interesting philosophical question…could her knowledge that she doesn’t make it alter her desire or plan? It gets my brain running….

Good job! Giving a good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific story about friendship between these two orphans. Lots of visual quality; not a dull scene in all five pages. While actually satisfying the prompt is left to the moderators, the "found footage" aspect is described well and perfectly clear. The dialogue is well done; the kids sound like 11-year-olds.
Did wonder whether the protagonist is most likely Bentley; seems that the story is more his than Annie's. Annie's voiced desire to be "a documentary filmmaker" is secondary to Bentley's time travel invention.
The old newspaper article displayed in the futuristic library orb is pretty cool. Maybe add a reference between a young Annie and food to give "her 50 years of service as a chief cook" some reinforcement.
Clever title. It hints at the ending without giving away the plot.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I really, really like this story. I'm not so crazy about the title, though. See what others say. I've been known to be wrong. Often.

I didn't notice any formatting errors. The spelling and punctuation are good.

There's life in this story. Hope...

Excellent work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I don't really like the title but I really liked the story. Love that Annie wasn't going to settle for being a cook. Written well, very sweet. Nice work. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was a nice story.

Maybe the title spoils it a bit?

"[The steady picture indicates the camera’s on a tripod.]"
This has already been established by Bentley's previous line of dialogue.

If she goes with him, how come he has a newspaper article describing what happens when she stays?

Good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

The Title is related but not good,

The story is going to be good at the beginning but its not going so well,
Too much dialogues,
And I prefer to not show ANNIE at the first of film,
Its seems better that audience see her in BENTLEY’S BASEMENT LABORATORY when they fixed camera somewhere,

Its could be a great script if you work on it more,

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

A highly original take on the challenge, well done. I love the library orbs!

The big weakness here is your dialogue which is exposition heavy and completely unnatural. If you have a line of dialogue starting with 'I am' or 'I feel' - you're usually in trouble.

Everything your characters say is filling us in with stuff we don;t really need to know and that the other character certainly doesn't need to know. The dialogue is also completely interchangeable in that either character could be saying it - there are no quirks or patterns of speech.

Your visuals are mainly good and as said previously, your imagination and story quality are great.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

That's some orphanage - their kids are aspiring documentarians and inventors. I like the cardboard box time machine, and I do like Annie's initial reveal of herself as both director and orphan.

The conceit of the "found footage" is a little thin, here. Annie's documentary doesn't have much focus to it, and it seems like she just leaves the camera on to fortuitously record what should be a private conversation. I can believe the camera on the tripod, but again, wouldn't she shut it down when the time machine came back? Or take the camera with her into the future? It seems like the camera gets left on for only the benefit of the audiences, not the characters.

It's hard to believe any 11-year old would give up a trip to the future for the dream of being a documentarian. I'd say, hey, can't I check it out, and come back if I want to? She seems excessively grounded in her life, and considering she's an orphan, no matter how plucky, I'd think she'd be out of there in two seconds. I'm sure they have documentaries in the future.

It's a cute concept, it just needs a little more thinking out.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is an effective story with a good twist. It might be that things are a bit easy on the characters since the choices they have to make are made simple for them.

The title is very literal, although it is a common phrase.

"a pretty Hispanic girl" - With a name like Anna Maria De La Cruz it seems like most people would guess her ethnicity.

"The front door bursts...
as he approaches." - This section of the first page takes more than a fifth of the page, but on screen it seems unlikely to take more than a few seconds, so I guess that makes me wonder if the description is a bit heavy.

"Yikes! What is this place?" - It feels odd that she wouldn't know about this place already.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

Well written. No mistakes. The story does require a stretch of the imagination: an eleven yr old who invents a time machine? The ending is not that exciting. If one were to believe that he actually spent years in the future, there are so many possibilties for an ending and I was a little disappointed with this one.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

It has a Back to the Future vibe to it.

Bentley sounds a little to adult for his age, but then again he is a genius if he can built a time machine.

Not much else to comment for me, as I thought it was good.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Two orphans plan time travel, but Annie doesn’t want to lose her hopes of becoming a filmmaker. She then decides to go in time when she sees her future as a Chief. As the story enfolds, they haven’t really thought about leaving poverty much when the time continuum took place. But, the story worked, and I have nothing to say here. I just feel that time travel has been done and redone repeatedly. But I don’t think it’s been done in poverty setting.

The action lines are visual. I just think the blocks of action could be trimmed. Or use a separate paragraph to add more white space. The action lines did well telling the story without relying on dialogue. It also did well telling us the events in chorological order without any time lapses. Overall, the writing is lean and clean.

Some dialogue is silted at times. One line, “C’mon, where Bentley,” seems unreal. I’m not sure if this is a grammatical error. The rest of the dialogue is real. I just think one more rewrite would make the dialogue ring true. Other than that, everything else is fine.

The characters are developed. Both of their characters are likable. When you ended the screenplay, you left us with the imagination as to rather we should guess if they're still living in poverty or not.

I just don't see how the title matches the story though.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

I dug it! Too many of these have no plot whatsofrigginever, so this was refreshing. Good characters that I could get behind and a decent, heart-warming story! Kudos!

Excerrent!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The opening is a bit of on-the-nose exposition but in the context of the narrative, works.

I personally think it's quite a mean little motivating trick to convince Annie. Now that she knows she's gonna be a cook, she should be even more determined and not just follow Bentley.

Plus, she is really letting the other character make decisions for her and is dragged into the conflict by him, so as a main character I don't really care for either.

You mention about their hardships, but she's got a camera and he's got a science lab, that to me isn't too much of a tough life, actually. At least show us what they've got to endure before we decided if they deserve to go into the future.

I'm not a big fan of the title either.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

When I thought it was going to be a story about a little girl filming a documentary about her orphanage, I was intrigued. Then it took a turn for the ridiculous and I don't know what to make of it. Keep trying though.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 12:50 AM

A VG from me.
Thought for sure this one would place.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 1:51 AM

I loved this. One of my few excellents.

Derek Collins (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2012 2:31 AM

I seriously expected this one to finish in the top three. There was only one other script in this contest that I thought was even on equal footing with yours and even it didn't make it into the top three... I'll have to take a really close look at what the comments say because quite frankly my mind is baffled as to why that is. Truthfully I am a little discouraged by the voting this month. it just seems like the scripts that had the most original take on this particular challenge got shunned.

Scott Merrow (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 9:56 AM

Thanks, KP, Margaret, and Derek. My wife Paula and I had fun writing this one. We tend to write a lot of stories about kids.

And Derek, as I'm sure you know, it's a subjective business. It's interesting and helpful to analyze each and every comment, but most of the time it just boils down to "this is not my cup of tea". C'est la vie.

And we (my wife and I) aren't professional screenwriter wannabes. We just do it for fun. Like a hobby.

Chris Setten (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2012 10:36 AM

I like all your writing and this one was no exception. VG from me.

Scott Merrow (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 11:27 AM

Thanks Chris.