Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I know you wanted the piece to end with uncertainty on our level. However, I felt like it was unfair, you should have gave us more clues. Non-conclusive, yes, but more. So the father is supposed to be dead, but we got the combat boots. Maybe Santa has combat boots. But why would he lift her off the floor, Santa would have left her where she is. So maybe it's the father. Now that's fun, but the piece missed just that extra hint that would some interrupt it as "this is definitely Santa" and others "this is definitely the father." I'm not making any sense, but I felt that I needed an extra clue badly.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Nice idea for a found footage film; some one is going to use a camera to prove something doesn't exist (Santa in this case).

I like the "low battery" part, it adds tension. Maybe you can add that earlier somehow. Some one is getting in and we're hoping he'll be captured on camera, so if the "low battery" indicator is already blinking, will the camera hold on long enough?

Nice idea for an ending; father plays the role of Santa, and recorded in such a way that Sydney will still be able to believe it (all that is recorded is the shoe).

You hid father masterfully, we casually get a glance of him, and understand his importance to the family and the fact that mother and daughter miss him. It comes as a nice, sweet and surprising ending that he is there for them.

VG.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Nice effort.

I thought this was going to be a sweet one with Sydney's reveal of her mission, but then it went darker, in a sad way, with her mother and apparent death of father - I deduced that from the flag. Correct?

The next part was a bit easy to predict with her falling asleep, yet something happens.

The end is a little unclear. I assume daddy has returned but the script has suggested this couldn't happen. Also he happens to arrive back at 2.30 in the morning, or whatever time it is?

For me, the end needs to be revised but I liked the idea.

All the best.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

It's a nice wallmark story. I really liked your protagonist; she had some adorable qualities. The ending is a bit cloudy which I feel is the intended purpose, because the reader really doesn't know what happened to the Father (other than he's stationed overseas or possibly dead). The story did have a slow pace to it, but that could be attributed to the waiting game taking place in your story. Your story does have a confusing bit. The child is under the bed with the flashlight, but the mother turns off the bedroom light. So, the kid was under the bed with the flashlight on while the bedrooom light was still on? I still can't tell if the entire script was told through the perspective of the camera especially the opening sequence.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I thought you did a great job hooking the reader with Sydney intent on proving the non-exixtence of Santa. I'm not sure why you underlined some bits which for me did nothing but telegraph your ending. I think the piece would be more interesting if you camouflaged your ending.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

I'm confused. What is your vision on this?

To me; We're that kid, Christmas comes, but we'll never know how the gifts got there because of the failed camera-- but then he goes and picks the girl up! That ruins the illusion for me, now he is real and not some HOPE I wanted to believe in.

I'd have the little girl say, "Daddy?" a stronger tearjerker, because it suggests her heart wants her Dad more than Santa/gifts.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

I was really liking this a lot, and was *this* close to giving an excellent, but for reasons I can't fathom, the writer chickened out and I felt a little lump of coal in my stiocking. There was so much buildup, I expected the father to show up, hence, there really is a Santa. Instead, it's left to the reader to choose if it is 'really' Santa or it is the father. I strongly felt that was the wrong choice. After all, that was the motivation for the character to disprove there was Santa Claus as her biggest Christmas wish wasn't a new toy but a re-united family. She waits...a boot steps into frame...

And then...FADE OUT.
Talk about robbery!

I also noted that mom nor daughter said Merry Christmas; I'll assume that it is the first Christmas without Dad. The folded flag was OTN, but just enough to pull your heartstrings.

David M Troop (Level 4)

I liked this one.

This story really runs the range of emotions.
First, it's cute. The little girl has a cam corder ready to debunk the Santa myth on Christmas Eve.
Then, it's sad. We find out that the dad is a soldier. You cleverly misguide us into believing the father has been killed. The mom drinks while watching her wedding video, the absence of a Christmas stocking for Dad, a folded flag on the bookcase, and the line "I miss my daddy." All tug at the heart.
Then, we are happy! Dad comes home from the war and picks up his daughter who has fallen asleep waiting for Santa.

You told us a very touching story without letting the Found Footage rules get in the way or limit your creativity. You even used the limitations in your favor to misdirect us and deliver a powerful ending.

Excellent!

David Serra (Level 4)

You should Put "CAMCORDER" at the end of the headings so we know right from the start that this is being shot through the camcorder.

The story in general is an interesting one, especially at this point in time.

Very Good.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

From the technical side of the found footage, this was flawless. Great use of the camera and visuals.

The story was cute and well done. I'm kinda confused because clearly her father has died (the folded American flag). But at the end, the camera sees a "spit-shined polished black combat boot" which, to me, implies it's a military man. If this really is Santa, maybe do something at the end to tip off the reader (like have his Santa hat fall off, coming into view of the camera). But the ending is confusing as it is.

This is still really well written and gets a VERY GOOD from me.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Not bad, good characters and a nice warm story, you are a natural writer for sure. Two complaints, first off stuff like "As favorite dolls go" is not an action line, its a great turn of phrase but turns of phrase don't belong in the scene headings... Remember, you are writing for the eventual viewer not for the reader. If it isn't something that can be seen on camera then it shouldn't be in your headings.

Secondly, the bold letters and the underlining are bad habits to get into, I know your trying to add emphasis to things you think are important for me as a reader to pick up on, but on the other hand its slightly insulting that you think I wouldn't pick up on those details like the folded flag if you didn't hand them to me on a big bold underlined silver platter. The even bigger problem is its just plain hard on the eyes. If you do this too much and you hurt my eyes too often, I don't care how good of a writer you are, your going to turn me off as a reader. But the story was sweet, you had me nervous there for a second that the soldier wouldn't be coming home... period.

But in the end, I think you picked the right ending and I think you wrote it well. Good job overall, like I said you are a natural writer, just don't try to over-write when it isn't appropriate and for goodness sake, be gentle on thine eyes!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A delightful story that needs a bit more punch and/or conflict. Consider adding a couple of scenes where SYDNEY thinks she hears Santa and, maybe, even gets up to look for him.

The first action paragraph could be rewritten. Your goal is to make very word count. As written: “Facing the mirror is a little girl in pajamas, SYDNEY (10). Brushing her teeth with vigor ... she's ready for bed.” Consider the following: “SYDNEY (10) wears pajamas and brushes her teeth.” I think it is obvious she is ready for bed so that can be cut.

Only write what will be filmed. On page one, “As favorite dolls go...” can be deleted. Instead, all that is needed is “Sydney grabs a bunny doll from the bathroom counter, holds it close to her chest.”

The CONT'Ds in dialogue are not needed. If you use Final Draft, this feature can be turned off.

When a word like MOMMY is used to replace a name, it should be capitalized.

Remember, “less is usually more.” Page 2 - “Mom is the bride and the groom is a soldier dressed in his service uniform, cutting the cake.” Consider instead: “Mom is the bride. The groom, a soldier in his service uniform, cuts the cake.”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

My first reaction at the start of reading your screenplay was - ick, a sweet girl and a sweeter story. BUT by the end you had won me over completely with your storyline and writing craft. EXCELLENT. I particularly like the ambiguity of who "Santa" might be.
Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A misdirect on the there’s no Santa riff. Cute. The reveal could have used a bit more than a combat boot for that Hollywood feel. The opening may have been stronger if the girl was hiding the camera.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

It's written well and I saw no grammatical issues. It's a charming if not original storyline. Although it was well written and had a few charming moments the ending is to well telegraphed from the beginning and the ending lacks the greatness necessary to carry the story. Overall, it was solid but not oustanding.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 6
Story: 7
Originality: 6
Action: 4
Dialogue: 6
Readability: 5

I liked this one. There's a lot of room for imporvement, but it was good. It could be a lot tighter which would allow for more of a story. I especially liked the girl using 24 hour time. There was a lot of good use of symbols. Well done.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

First off, kudos for being gutsy enough to enter this month's MP contest. Not a lot of folks did enter(including myself out of sheer laziness) and I was intrigued to see how this topic would be handled.

Overall, the premise to this story is very cute and touching.

However, there are a lot of formatting issues that greatly distract from the story. I won't go into detail since I'm sure that our fellow MPers will have a field day nit-picking away.

Adding some montage to your script would greatly enhance it. There's several scenes that would lend themselves nicely to montage.

The ending is a little vague and flat. I presume it's her dad back from the army.

Suggestion for a new ending: Perhaps have her dad come home while she is asleep. When she watches the tape the next day, there's a slight hint that, yes, Sydney, there is a Santa Claus.

Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

You really built the suspense here. I loved her mission and the way she was trying to accomplish it.
She's pretty quirky and fun.
I expected a bit more from the ending - we see that Santa came and that was it. I think there should be more to it.

Why would he lift her? --that left me with a question.

Kirk White (Level 5)

you have made me weep. this script is amazing. if this doesn't win first place, MP should have its collective ass removed.

please please please make this film

fantastic. utterly fantastic.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A wonderful story idea with lovely sentiment. Nothing sweeter than a 10-year-old bustling around amidst all the color at Christmas. So much terrific visual quality; could easily envision the living room lit up as "moonlight spills in through the window blinds," the decorated tree, the fireplace decked out with "two stockings," and the milk and cookies on the coffee table. Well done.
Satisfying the prompt is left to the moderators, but Sydney attempting to capture, or not capture, Santa on the camcorder works nicely.
May not need the inference that Mom is drinking too much, "passed out with her wine glass," and snoring; keep the attention fully on Sydney. Trim the dialogue a little. "G'night Mommy" is okay, but "Mom's off to bed" and "Right on schedule" could probably be omitted. The preoccupation with time might not be needed; wouldn't think a ten-year-old would be that consumed by time.
The subtle twist at the end is perfect. With only the two stockings, "one for Mom, one for Sydney," it's obvious that Dad is not expected. Sydney's groggy whisper, "Santa," is priceless.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I really like this story!

The formatting's okay, but some of your dialogue (CONT'D) entries are done twice. You don't really need to use that feature anymore, so you might want to just turn it off.

Page 4 - You have Sydney speaking O.S., but then describe her shaking. We aren't seeing her shake, though, we're seeing the image shake. Keep the reader involved in what's happening in front of the camera and what sounds the camera is recording. Use that to build more tension.

Your ending is a little ambiguous, Is he a ghost or has her father come home?

Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I don't really know if the ending is sweet or creepy.

You've got a problem with your "(CONT'D)" - there are two too many. Also you don't need to italicize, bold, and underline the wedding video. Same with the picture, the American flag - we will notice these details and pick up on their significance anyway.

I found it strange that the dishwasher would start at midnight. (Maybe I have the wrong kind of dishwasher.)

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Love the concept. Great script too. It ticks all the emotional boxes. There were times when it felt a touch heavy-handed but it definitely pulls the heart strings and it's a fresh take on the found footage genre.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

At the beginning,we saw everything from camera,right?I think you should write it at the beginning of script.
Please explain me if I'm wrong :)
And there is no logic for that she record herself there.
The tittle is OK,
I like story a lot ,but I think it could be more better to work on father's story maybe.

I like it anyway
I want to put this script to FAVORITE list but I don't know how?
Seems I should wait till end of this month :)

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Nice job. It was odd reading christmas stories when it is 105 degree out today.

There were some formatting issues and typos, e.g. Mommy should be capitalized when it is used in place of a name, and CONT'D ran amuk a few times.

But the story was pretty good and I liked how you made the ending a bit ambiguous.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Oh yes there is!

This is sweet and works so well because Sydney is just adorable, you've really created a character who jumps off the page, I could even hear her voice.

Really lovely, well done.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I like that Sydney is a character whose plan and actions throughout the script match her background - she's a military brat, and she clearly has picked up a thing or two about hatching operations into enemy territory. It's sweet, and while you know there's only a few possible endings, I'm glad it ends the way it does.

One inconsistency is the stated belief (or unbelief) in Santa. The title is bold, and you want to see Sydney's skepticism undone by hope. But at the same time, she used "Santa bait" and when she hears things, she think "this could be it". If she doesn't buy it, she should be surprised, confused, and look for explanations. She also isn't very careful to frame the camera, so when she falls asleep, she must know she's not going to capture anything.

Overall, a sweet piece, it just needs a little tightening of character motivations.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a strong twist on a common story theme. The way you've shown the background of her Dad with a series of visuals works very well and it pays off strongly.

The side margins on this look a little tight for the action, a little wide for the dialogue.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

I liked this very much. Well written. Nice story. Not too sentimental and yet touching. The ending is hazy: was the father really dead (ie the folded flag)and that was his spirit or was he coming home from war? HOwever it does fit the haziness of the half awake girl: was there or wasn't there a Santa CLaus. My only criticism is that at some point it did not seem feasible that the camera was catching the scene eg when the girl is said to tip toe, can't imagine the camera capturing that. But it's a small matter. REally enjoyed it.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Very well written. The scenes with kid was a nice touch. Her choice of language with telling time was a nice touch.

The only weakness - though minor - is that the ending can be foretold from page 2. The italics and bolded description of the family video gives a strong hint. Halfway through, I was rooting to be wrong because I wanted there to be a twist, but it did end up being the Dad. I think it would be best to cut out the "boot" part. I'd rather keep it a mystery on who is this person who's walked in at 2 AM.

Again, this is a minor gripe and doesn't take away from a well-written FF story. It uses genre well to keep the story in a confined space and uses the camera as a personal tool to tell a lot about a character.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not notice any grammar errors.

The surprise twist worked. Santa doesn't come until she goes to sleep. I thought it was her dad, but I don’t know, when she said she missed her daddy. I just wish you told us why she misses her Dad. That’s up to the audience to think for themselves as to rather that is dad or Santa Clause. That’s a good use of opening ending. This feels like a full story. But it has been done to death though.

The visuals are crisp. Description worked through the entire script. It could just be tightened up a bit though. The pacing is slow. That’s an easy fix to clear up though.

The characters are developed. But what are their backstories? Why should we care about Lindsey? Lindsey appears to be the antagonist in a good way, to prove that Santa Clause isn’t real. But Santa Clause knew what’s up. I just feel like I haven’t spend enough time with Dad though. Otherwise, why mention him?

The dialogue is real. She speaks realistically and naturally. The only line I wasn’t confident of was, “I miss dad.” I guess Dad doesn’t show up for Christmas. Other than that, her dialogue is mature enough for a ten year old.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I don't think the opening few lines of description and dialog are from the perspective of the camcorder. Or at least it doesn't seem that way since, we initially see her reflection in the mirror THEN she grabs the camera and we see through it.

A lot of moments like this one don't seem like the perspective from the camcorder:
---
Sydney reaches for the door knob. Mom stirs in her bed.
Sydney freezes holding her breath.
---

I thought the camera was pointed at the room, so how do we see her reaching for the door-knob or hold her breath?

***

This was an adorable story that would actually work much better with the camera POV AND a third person camera view too.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Very cute and sweet, and a happy ending for Sydney. Great!

I think, though, that you diminished the emotional impact of this sweet story by giving away a little too much information. At first, we think we're watching a cute little girl trying to catch Santa in the act, but then you show us the wedding video with the soldier (in boldface, no less), the ornament with the picture of the soldier, only two stockings on the shelf, the folded flag (underlined), then Sydney seals the deal when she says, "I miss Daddy". By then we know this isn't about Santa, it's about her missing soldier daddy. So when he shows up, it doesn't have the emotional impact it could have had if we hadn't been expecting it at all.

It was still a cute and touching story, and I enjoyed reading it very much.

My score: Very Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

Very sweet story, and a nice use of the found footage technique. The camera POV makes sense, doesn't seem contrived, I especially like the use of the low battery light. Sharp, descriptive sentences. Not a word is wasted. I really liked it, well done!

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

I really liked this one. The whole Santa Claus thing is a phenomenon that almost everyone can relate to, and the disbelief that comes with it is something even more alluring to the childhood imagination. We all wanted to believe that Santa was real, but needed proof of that existence. That's the kind of child Sydney is. A likeable, and very well relatable character.

Her father conundrum reflects the military situation that almost half the world is currently hunkered into, and it's a feel good story come end time.

I thought it was very well thought out, with reflections to a childhood past. Sort of warmed my heart to read this, even though I'm not a fan of children in the real world. VERY GOOD.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

All I can say is WOW. This had me at the title. It rated Excellent by page 3. Remind me to favorite this amazing, beautiful & touching story! A winner for sure.

Comments Made After the Contest

Masoud Soheili (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2012 12:07 AM

Congratz.,
Its my only FAVORITE script of this month

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 1:33 AM

Congratulations, Chris!

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 2:03 AM

Congratulations on your first place!

Reginald Beltran (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2012 9:44 AM

This was my favorite of the bunch. I thought it captures the FF genre well. Congrats.

Chris Westfield (Level 3) ~ 7/1/2012 2:12 PM

Thanks for the wonderful comments everyone! And if there was any doubt, Dad came home early from his deployment just in time for Christmas... There is No Santa at least not in the physical sense.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 8:43 PM

Congrats Chris, I'm not surprised you're this month's winner. One of the best scripts I've read on MP ever.

Christina Anderson (Level 4) ~ 7/6/2012 9:09 AM

Hey! Wait-- the vet dad wasn't dead? what's all that about the tri-folded flag (aren't those are given if you retire or dead).

Well then if Dad's real, and alive, and made it home-- that makes it an EXCELLENT story (instead of a VG)!

Anyhow, FYI-- the Flag sent me down the wrong path. (maybe instead of the flag, a yellow ribbon-- traditionally, those symbolize actively serving family members).

Congrats! still a great story.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4) ~ 7/6/2012 12:56 PM

I agree with Christina. I thought the Dad was dead because of the flag and the Mom falling asleep watching old videos. A yellow ribbon would be a much better symbol. Maybe a, "Days until Daddy comes home" calendar on the wall. The triangle flag is usually given to widows.

The story has a mysterious feel if I'm lead to believe the Dad is dead. Then it's his spirit that is watching over his family. If he's just coming home from deployment early, that's nice, but it loses that punch.

Chris Westfield (Level 3) ~ 7/6/2012 3:45 PM

Yeah sorry need to fix that. Folded flags are also given to retired military members which also does not fit. It could also just be family heirlooms. Anyway thanks for the comments.

Gary Rademan (Level 5) ~ 7/11/2012 10:23 PM

Hey Chris,

It’s always interesting to me to see what a writer does on a rewrite – do they ignore advice, take some and not another’s? I think you took the right road and made a very nice piece here. I could see it on my internal movie theater so maybe it’ll get made.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 7/17/2012 12:19 AM

Really enjoyed this, Gary. Well done!

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 7/23/2012 2:47 AM

After I read this again, I now understand what's going on and don't find that Dad isn't an unecessary person after all. In my review, I didn't think you needed to tell us about Dad because it didn't fit in with the storyline. Now that I understand it, I see why you mention Dad from the get go.

This is a cool concept.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 9/4/2012 4:44 PM

I don't know how you can improve on perfection. I loved the original version.