Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Well, this is certainly original, but by the end the story didn't satisfy me. The whole thing was a plot to kill the guy. But there wasn't much about the script than a murder plan. And since half of the action is off screen the luck of extra action and conflicts on the surveillance camera drained the suspense out of the script. What we got in the end was a woman threatening on screen and a man killed off screen, the wrong man. I wish I can point out more why the story didn't work for me, but I can't pin it down.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Interning story.

Small point first, but if this if FF how is the trainee recorded? To do this there must be another camera on in the room which is played over the top?

Anyway, whilst it may have a weakness in FF terms it works as a story. I thought Otis was well played. The trainee and how she was introduced was not as strong. If this really is security etc just having someone come in and sit down seems weak, but I suppose possible.

The end had a doube twist - the reveal of he girl and then the error. Well done for that.

Well done.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

That was a bit twisted. This story was different. Nice touch with month's goal. I even like the title. The story is a bit weird and it's a bit senseless. Some of Otis's dialogue was funny. The story was pretty average in terms of interest. Your story was easy to follow and the format was a breeze for me. Now, she draws a sword from her person, how do you not see someone carrying a sword? That's pretty hard to conceal even while you're sitting down. So, that part was a bit unbelievable.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

Nice sparse writing. Dialogue was fine. There was one found footage cheat. How can we see the blood on a monitor screen, where's the source for that? I liked how it was a mistake.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

I love that ending. (We weren't wrong. That's God's plan.-- how can you argue with god!)

Originally, I thought old woman was a devil worshiper (boy was I confused when she started kissing that cross). On second read, I see how I jumped the gun-- but I suggest playing up that God-fearing woman aspect BEFORE spilling blood.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I'm not sure if hearing the characters off screen is against the rules of this contest but either way I rather enjoyed this one.

This grocery store is like the pentagon of grocery stores or something... it seemed like it was in a an underground military bunker from the way Otis was barking at the trainee about stuff.

I think the old lady with the orange juice was hilarious and classic, but I would have had Otis do something to catch her before the "falls" so he can have a win and show off his wonderful security skills before he is killed.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Great development in this script. It starts off as comedy, but turns into something entirely different. A lot of scripts devlop in this way, but there was a purity here I found refreshing. It's not part comedy, part thriller. No, first it's all comedy, then all thriller.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

I'm not sure I get it. I felt no remorse for Otis, and I'm not quite sure what he did or why he was targeted. There was a suggestion that it wasn't who the mystery Woman and Trainee were after, but it did seem Otis was really freaked out by the Woman. But Otis is rude and extremely profane, something of which I have a tough time finding credible. He's on the job in a store. There is a way of conducting yourself. Imagine the impact if he had less of a juvinile temper tantrum. His death (?) would be more shocking, the setting more surreal. I'm also not a huge fan of writers mispelling words because a character pronounces such words in that fashion. (Otis actually says 'Jesus' instead of 'Jeee-zus' the second time around, so it's inconsistant anyway) or using religion as a fear tactic, as I find it cliche.

That said, it does have some effect, and I didn't outright hate it. It just could have been way better by leaps and bounds.

David Serra (Level 4)

Personally I couldn't get into it. Plus you have several grammical errors and I'm not sure that this is a PDF file.

I don't mind one or two cuss words but this goes overboard.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Need a better description of Otis. Ethnicity? Age? Tall? Fat?

"A chick? What the fuck?" -- hmmmm, sexist and vulgar. Publix is a reputable company who I'm sure would discourage sentiments like this from senior members. Just be careful is all I'm saying.

I liked the ending until you revealed it was the wrong person. Kinda cheapened it.

There really wasn't a likeable character in this whole thing. I wish a gas line would've exploded and killed them all.

I understand the title has something to do with Carl Jung's analytical psychology as it pertains to the unconscious mind, but it just doesn't fit here. You have a very formal title in a very informal script (you did manage to squeeze the word "fuck" 7 times into a 5 page script).

The whole time I was reading this, I had no idea I was looking at a camera. The technical side of the FF needs some work. It's tough. Best of luck to you.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

I really like the concept of using store surveillance as your point of view for the challenge. The story was creative too, I give you points for that. However, you completely cheapened your script with all of the foul language. I'm not even against foul language. I just think it needs to be done correctly because lets face it, the shock value of it is not what it used to be. Trying to use foul language just for shock value might have worked fifteen years ago but now days I think it just makes you look amateur.

Another thing that caught my attention was who makes this surveillance system? Fisher-Price? I mean "green button under the big number four"? "picture of a large magnifying glass."? anyone that has ever actually seen a surveillance camera controller is going to have a hard time taking anything in your script seriously after reading that. If your just trying to make it sound simple for the audience that might not know the details of a camera controller I don't think treating the audience like they are dumb and wouldn't be able to understand more technical speak is ever a good idea.

With that said, the dialog between the woman and her daughter was pretty good. In my opinion, you should focus more on stuff like that rather than trying to take the cheap route.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

Interesting plot. Originality was definitely present in this story. The story flowed pretty well. Overall it wasn't a bad story to tell. It delivered on the 'found footage' direction.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Excellent. This entry earned an excellent from me and I wish I'd thought of it. Excellent command of screenwriting format and very original story. My only comment is I still don't understand the title.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

No other word for your screenplay except excellent.

One thought did occur. You may consider dropping the early reference to "the command center". Otis and the Trainee both know where they are and I'm thinking those words are meant for the audience.

And as for the twist at the end. Painfully funny - in so many way.
Continued good success. Your script is an inspiration and a pleasure to read.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The story was chugging along when the old lady went biblical and the daughter drew the sword. Way to wake the audience up but it came out of nowhere. And the address book error may have been a twist too far.

Greg Dietz (Level 2)

Nice twist! I like how the story starts normally enough, then goes severely off the rails. Having all this happen in so common a setting is a great and chilling touch.

Some of the dialogue doesn't quite fit (i.e. when the woman switches from her biblical-sounding speech to shouting "You listenin to me?," or when the presumably equally-religious daughter 'takes the Lord's name in vain').

Also, this seems like an incredibly personal vendetta for the woman, and I don't think she would shrug off killing the wrong man so easily. She's clearly spent some time planning this operation. She should be much more disappointed to learn her carefully enacted revenge has been wasted on the wrong target. While it is somewhat chilling to see her react so calmly, I think a more violently disappointed, even childlike reaction would have more effectively conveyed how little the actual act of murder means to her.

Now the sticky part: I think you may have violated the rules here. You don't have an in-world camera to record either the physical screens for the security cameras or sounds from the O.S. exchanges in the control room. A camera recording the control room itself would have solved the problem, as well as given you the chance to let us see Otis and the girl.

Jack Ross (Level 2)

Wow. That took a turn in a direction I was totally unprepared for. I applaud your ability to create a twist that actually had me holding my breath whilst I read.

However, the dialogue between Otis and the Trainee seems unrealistic. It didn't sound like anything someone would actually say. And the trainee kind of just sits there and takes all this crap from Otis without saying anything. I just can't really wrap my mind around that.

I think the dialogue needs work, and there could be a bit more details added to the story as a whole. But otherwise I enjoyed it.

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

I really liked this! Initially, I had no idea where it was going but it ended up reminding me a bit of Terminator where the machine kills every woman named Sarah Connor, just to make sure he got the right one. I loved how you see a typical antic of a strange (desperate?) customer at a grocery store, and automatically assume the next one will be something similar, only to be completely surprised. Being surprised in five pages is quite impressive! It's very interesting to hear the conversation of the security guards while watching the shoppers go about their sometimes sinister business. And while the end is obviously grisly, Otis is made out to be crude and unlikable so you almost don't care that he dies, but then immediately feel sorry that he did when you realize his death was no more than part of a failed quest. While I realized that the women were trying to avenge their lover/ deadbeat father, I thought the part about the tattoo made it funny especially when they realized he didn't have it. All in all, hats off!

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 4
Story: 4
Originality: 5
Action: 6
Dialogue: 5
Readability: 6

This started off good but then it took a turn for the worse when the daughter revealed herself. This had so much potential but it never materialized.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's pretty funny, I laughed a lot. I think the camera was wedged in, you'd do so much better without the cameras.
And then, there were so many of them that they spoiled the read a bit. Because it was a funny, entertaining script.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I was born in Ocala!

I like this script although I do think you are dangerously skirting very very close to the edge of this challenge by having the business off screen and the blood spatter on the monitors…but hey if the mods don’t DQ I’m fine with it!

I think this has a lot of style and really makes use of the security footage context.

Giving a very good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Really funny setup. Otis Dengler is quite distinctive. The Trainee provides good contrast -- plus a terrific straight-woman -- to Otis's verbal jabs.
The Woman, the Trainee's mother, may be too over the top. Her dialogue is entertaining, but doesn't seem to fit the majority of the story to that point. Otis and the Trainee's dialogue is rather straight-forward; the Woman's contains references that may not be familiar to every reader/audience member.
The mistaken identity twist works, and the Woman's last line, "There's another Otis Dengler in Ocala" is hilarious. Did wonder if the story should end there, as opposed to the Woman's comment about "the noon Mass."

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Love the title! I'm expecting nastiness.

...And I got it!

Otis and the Woman are a bit over the top for my taste. He sounds like he's from Chicago, but I'm probably reading it that way because he reminds me of a security cop in the movie "The Relic."

I absolutely cringed when the Woman ate the cat food!

The spelling and punctuation are good. The formatting is good.

The story is fun.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was funny. I like the idea of these characters commentating on what they're seeing, and the whack job being a much bigger whack job than expected.

Nice ending. Excellent.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Okay, this one lost me on the opening because I thought Otis was unrealistically crass and the trainee would never stand for it. You pulled me back in midway through when we learn the trainee is in on it, but then you lost me again with the ending. I think it's a reversal too far. It would almost be more effective if you ended it on page four.

This is clearly played for laughs but it could be more powerful if it started light and ended dark, rather than pulling it back for another gag at the end.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

In most of scripts on this contest cameras just point of view ,but in this script "Found Footage" is more than a simple view of camera,
I like it.

I like the comedy inside this script,
but just maybe could have do better in the last page.
Congratulation anyway,,,

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was pretty cool. I thought it was so so until the end - that cracked me up. Nice twist.

Good descriptions with the action, and the dialog was realistic as well.

I'm familiar with the Jungian concept of Animus, but didn't quite get how that is expressed in this script. I would be interested in hearing your thought on this.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Very original take on this challenge and well executed, I could see everything happening on that bank of screens very clearly, you set it up so well.

The humour comes over very well, the dialogue works even though it could have been exposition heavy you manage to make sure it's not and each character has their own individual voice.

Very good indeed, well done.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I like this a lot, although it's a bit of a cheat for the contest: we see things on screen, but also from the perspective of a camera SHOOTING the cameras. Oh well, Chris OKd it.

Two problems: it's a bit disjointed, the two different incidents. I understand that one is to give insight into Otis' character, but it goes on long enough that I feel it's an important moment in the plot until after the next bit has gone on for a while.

It's also hard to understand why Jazzabella doesn't just shish kabob Otis immediately, instead of enduring his abuse. Why doesn't her mother just break into the security room? How did she get this position? There's a lot of unanswered questions, here.

Stylistically, it's well done; logically, it leave me scratching my head a little.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is an effective, contained story. It has a good amusing melodrama side to it.

I'm not sure that this story is well served by staying on the video screens the whole time. It feels like it would work better if we could see the characters in security control.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

LIked this very much. Nice little vignette with the old woman to set up everything. Very creepy description of the crazy woman and a scary, unexpected and thrilling climax. No mistakes. Well written.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

My main issue is who's filming who. I think that there is a security control camera and in the beginning, it shows a wall of various screens. Then I think the security control camera switches from one wall screen to another.

Then the "woman" starts talking as if she's in the scene (no VO/O.S.), yet I thought she was still speaking to the camera?

I thought the old lady with the orange juice was funny. However, you can easily cut this out and get to the "woman" to speed things along.

VOICE/TRAINEE(O.S. FEMALE VOICE) - could be changed to FEMALE TRAINEE (O.S.). As is looks clunky/weird.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

A cruel person at a grocery store wants revenge for something the security guard stole from her, though I’m not sure what it is. Then she kills the wrong guy, and it turns out that the trainee is her son. I think it’s funny, especially the profane language. I don’t know if Otis really deserves to die though, even though he appears to be unlikable. The foreshadowing at the beginning where you introduced the woman was well thought out. I just don’t know why she just couldn’t report the stolen good to Otis when she could have just talked to him about it. After all, Otis is the security guard. So why did she have to kill her?

The dialogue has some subtext. The subtext does bring forth tension as I was flipping the page to know what it is Otis stole from the wicked witch. I still don’t know what it is though. Was it the cross? The subtext also got me thinking what other customers at a grocery store say. You have the talent to write realistic dialogue in real places.

The action lines give me the feeling that we’re really in a grocery store. The cameras in the store play well and does match the tone of the story.

For some reason, I don’t think the woman’s character is real. I mean, her dialogue doesn’t seem like she is really searching for something. We know she is an unlikable character for killing an innocent security guard. But like I said, she could have just asked Otis for help instead of killing him.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I thought this was quite clever and delivers a neat little dark twist that surprised me too.

A few things stop me from scoring this an excellent:

- The OS got a bit confusing at times. But not too jarring. Especially after we have Woman's dialogs.

- The camera numbers got a bit distracting, as I halted every time I read a camera change.

You tried your best to help me with the camera switches, I know, but I wish there was a smoother way around it.

Still a very nice job! Loved it!

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a very original and enjoyable story, but maybe not suited for an exclusively "found footage" screenplay. I say this because a very significant portion of your story happens outside the found footage "world", i.e., everything that happens in the security control room, including the murder of Otis.

Typically in this type of movie, there's a reason we're watching found footage. For example, in "The Blair Witch Project", supposedly that's the only physical record of what happened to those kids. In the "Paranormal Activity" movies it's because the guy's a video nut who films everything, and the other guy has state-of-the-art surveillance cameras installed throughout his home. Then, when the shit hits the fan we get to watch it all via this "left behind" footage. Cool.

But you've sort of stretched (not broken) the rules by having us able to hear the people in the security room, but not see them. Why? Why would this be? Did someone leave a tape recorder running in there? If so, again, why?

So, it's like a "partial" found footage movie, and it just begs the question -- why are you doing it this way? (And, of course, the answer is because the contest requires it.) But it makes for an odd sort of presentation. (At least it seemed so to me.)

I did enjoy it. The story was cool. Nice twist at the end. But the "partial" found footage aspect of it made it seem a little odd (to me).

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

The supermarket security camera POV is a great idea for this contest, interesting way of implementing the found footage technique, but I don't think this particular script worked as well as it could. For one thing, if we see blood spattering on the screen at the end, doesn't that mean the story is not actually told from the perspective of the camera?

Storywise, it didn't work for me. If you fleshed out the demonic twist idea thing it might make for an interesting story on its own, but not in this setting.

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

It was alright. None of the characters were too likable, with Otis just being plain mean, the Trainee being a pushover for the most part till the end, and the crazy woman just being crazy.

The setting wasn't special. The action was alright. Again, nothing too special.

I don't know what else to say. FAIR.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This seemed a little random. It never felt like there was really a solid goal we were moving toward, just watching some people watch people on cameras. And by the end, nothing really changes. You bring in the cult lady thing but it comes so suddenly and randomly that it loses much of its impact for me.

Comments Made After the Contest

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 5:33 AM

I thought this was great. An original take on the challenge instead of all the usual zombie and virus stuff. Entertaining too.

Chris Setten (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2012 10:16 AM

Thanks MJ. I really value your opinion as I think youre one of the best at MP.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2012 7:52 AM

Wow, thanks Chris. *blush*