Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Loved the mastery of the craft you got. You handled the story with ease. I loved the ending. I didn't see it coming. One thing could have this short even better is if you have invested more in the characters. Seemed that you focused too much on the concept and the twist that you forgot to give the pilot and copilot more depth.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Well that was a bit different, mining in the outer colonies. That reference reminded me of blade runner.

I have to say I found the end a little confusing although gathered what happened. I suppose I was truffling with understanding why the tubes went past.

Also, and it maybe me, but I struggled to see a train do this. Why not call it a space port or something.

All the best.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Different. Well written. Great format. Nice suspense. You know the craft so there's no need for me to offer any of my amateur critism. I felt the story was a nice way around this month's goal, because I never got the sense that I was seeing it from a camera perspective.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

ALARMS BLAIR - unless you mean 'Startles the ex-prime-minister of the UK' - I think you mean ALARMS BLARE!

Same theme as my last (under-appreciated!) effort - TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

Excellent!

Chris Setten (Level 4)

The story has promise but needs some work. The copilots sensitivity profile wasn't convincing, needs to be better established. The pilots cavalier attitude needs to be more extreme, you had the right idea but it needs to be stretched much further to maximize tension and drama. It wasn't clear to me why the pilot doubted the copilots navigational skills. Did the pilot purposely trick co so he would push red button and jettison the prisoners? If so, his motivation wasn't clear.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

I'm trying picture the Copilot doing a slow nod. I suggest giving the pilot and copilot names. The action descriptions read odd, 'Pilot gives...' instead of 'The Pilot gives... or Bill gives...'

Overall it's well written. The premise is interesting. The ending is alluded to and paid off. Other than puking, not much of a reaction from the Copilot. I suppose this is some sort of initiation flight that all new pilots have to go through.

As far as FF, it seems to me and this is just my opinion as it's used as an after thought. This could be shot without and you lose nothing.
Good Job overall.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Nazis in space. (not that bad actually)

I would have liked a little clarification on what's supposed to be going on.

--Is it officially, we take our Nazi trash to be incinerated, but since Merc-station is on our way to the sun, every now and then we make a 'special drop-off'. (in which case doesn't copilot think it's odd they're loading PEOPLE into DUMPSTERS)

--or was it more like Pilot taking matters into his own hands (in which case make it clear they really aren't Garbage Men, and it's the pilot that's calling this 'prisoner transport mission' a 'garbage run')

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

Alarms Blare.
Aside from the slug at the way bottom of one of the pages, that's the only error I could find in this script. While I wouldn't mind the Pilot and Co-pilot having names (or at least call signs) I must say this ff short has good use of the concept. Helmet cams! Cockpit cams! Sweet! I really enjoyed this one, and the moral/ethical problem that peeked in. Great job.

My favorite thus far.

David Serra (Level 4)

Dark, witty, and twisted sci-fi script.

Although I would like it if you named the Pilot and Copilot I overall had a great timer reading this.

Well Done.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

So initially you start off with copilot and pilot helmet cams, but then we jump to a cockpit cam (I don't think these exist) but then you slip a line in there like this:

"Pilot gives him an incredulous look and sighs. Copilot doesn’t blink."

Well how are we suppose to see that if they're wearing helmets? And if they're not typical astronaut helmets, then why would they even have cameras on them? It was confusing for me. A little clarification would've made this easier to follow.

The Copilot's error seemed too coincidental.

I think it would've been cooler to watch that last scene through the Copilot's helmet cam. Hell, I think this would've worked smoother if you cut out the Cockpit cam altogether and just alternated between the two cams.

Cool story though, and very good writing. Just the technical side of the found footage element was a little choppy. These are tough to write!

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Something about the way your script is formatted doesn't quite seem right to me. But I will leave commenting on such matters of format to the more knowledgeable amongst us. Story wise I thought it was a clever piece of work. Nothing about the script really bugged me but I did feel that it could use a little tightening up. I like the kinda father son like vibe you got going on between the pilot and copilot, if I could have my way I would like to see that brought out a little bit more. I think my favorite line was that one "Off to bust rocks on Merc." cause if I was in the future driving a space train to Mercury I would totally call it Merc. That wasn't the only time you got a chuckle out of me while I was reading this so there is definitely some good humor in your script.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A very original “take” on taking out the garbage. This entry earned a VERY GOOD from me. Here are a few comments.

Proofread: The PILOT's first dialogue: squeezin should be squeezin' or squeezing.

Less is usually more: “Copilot looks back at the Inmates being shoved inside.” The word BACK can probably be deleted. Same comment on page 3: Copilot does a slow nod and settles back into his seat.” Consider deleting the word BACK.

The CONT'Ds in dialogue are not needed. If you use Final Draft, this feature can be turned off.

Page page 3, COPILOT's dialogue: “Squared away tight, captain.” I believe captain should be capitalized. “Squared away tight, Captain.”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Some things for you to consider:

- "Off to bust rocks on Mars." Hide this expository statement (for the audience's benefit) better.

- Include some sadistic act early on by the Pilot that foreshadows his cruelty with the RED BUTTON. (Crushing an insect/fly/butterfly on the wall?)

- Rather than describing the two horrific acts of criminals we don't know, focus on the criminal who is shocked through his collar as he is shoved into his tube. Make it personal and specific. Connect the dots of your storyline.

Hope some of this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

For a moment, I thought the prisoners were going to take over! The exchange between the copilot with a conscience and the pilot with all the quips was a little predictable once we had their characters pegged. I liked the garbage men aspect of it.

Jack Ross (Level 2)

Allright, let me make a few points.

I don't hate it. It's not terrible at all, and the idea is something I haven't ever seen before. But the dialogue bothers me. It doesn't feel real enough. When you read something like this you should be able to hear the conversation in your head as if it's actually happening. I don't get that from this. That would be the first thing I focus on. The story is good but it starts slow, and the unrealistic dialogue caused me to get lost early on. By the end however, you end up putting together a cohesive closing which made it much easier to enjoy. I actually found myself re-reading the ending multiple times because I found it so clever.

I think this is a good work in progress, and it definitely needs some improvements. However, I can totally see this being shot from only the perspective of cameras.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 3
Story: 3
Originality: 6
Action: 3
Dialogue: 3
Readability: 4

This had a good premise but the poorly written action and dialogue kept it from going anywhere.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

First off, kudos for being gutsy enough to enter this month's MP contest. Not a lot of folks did enter(including myself out of sheer laziness) and I was intrigued to see how this topic would be handled.

Formatting: Looks good overall.

Dialogue: I kept on hearing Han Solo in my head as the Captain with all the "kids" and "Hit the Switch." Dialogue was a wee bit clichéd and dragged.

Story: Very interesting concept. I do like the premise but it does require some work. It's not very clear and I had to reread it a few times.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

So, they dump the killers by killing them elsewhere - on the moon in this case. Nice idea, I really liked it. I could see the co-pilot freak out - he didn't know.
Too many cams I think. I wonder if you could get rid of cockpit cam.
Couldn't visualize it but it's hard for me to deal with ski-fi.
I liked it it a lot overall.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think this one is an interesting idea and it certainly makes me curious about this world…but ultimately I am left with more questions than resolution.

I wasn’t able to figure out the motivation for throwing the cylinders into the sun…was this the pilot’s being cruel and taking matters into his own hands or is this the PURPOSE of the garbage men? Do they tell people they are taking prisoners to work and then kill them? If this is the case, it seems a rather costly and elaborate method of execution. Which makes me think this is just a rogue pilot playing executioner but I couldn’t really find a text-based justification of this. I think the “compilation file” announcement lends itself to that theory but I’m not seeing this in the pilot (until the act itself)

I think this one is in need of some clarity.

The dialogue is mostly on the nose and I think a little subtext in this case would be helpful…what do these dudes talk about? How do they mask their hidden emotions/struggles? Perhaps if they engaged in “chit chat’ we could find moments to illustrate the pilot’s character, history, agenda without actually discussing the prisoners; if that makes sense…

Finally, the “found footage” angle doesn’t really seem organically connected to the story here. It feels like you adapted a script TO the requirement rather than building a story around the requirement…I just don’t understand the purpose of this tape since I don’t really understand the nature of the recording…WHY is this tape necessary? That’s not to say, it’d be nice a creepy to see this through the POV of the copilot, but it also jumps to the pilot and the cockpit cam…so basically what you are giving us is a Master shot and two close ups disguised as POV (clever, by the way)

I’m giving a fair but think this could be a great story with some clarity and revision.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Compelling story idea with some terrific visual quality. Good contrast between the experienced 50-year-old pilot and newbie 20-year-old copilot.
Not sure that the copilot's error adds substantially. The story is essentially about the transportation and eventual disposal of the undesirables; the veer off course, near miss, comes across as a diversion. Perhaps an additional interaction with the inmates might be more relevant.
The title is catchy and memorable.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Really good story! Simple to film with the right software, and some virtual video sets... Maybe using After Effects... The men could be filmed against greenscreen and everything else would be CG.

I like that you don't give the characters specific names. It somehow makes them seem more like the anonymous men in the cylinders, and that adds a lot to the effect.

Formatting is good. Spelling and punctuation are good.

Very nicely done. I like it!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like how simply you establish the futuristic setting, with "space train". Maybe in a feature you would want to describe it a bit more, but it works perfectly here. I also like how you've used the contest restrictions - helmet cam allows you to use multiple cameras, and the characters are used to them and so don't have to acknowledge their existence.

I know you've got to get this information across somehow, but the worst kind of exposition is when two characters are telling each other things they already know. Wouldn't both the Pilot and Copilot know the train contains the "worst of the worst" who are "off to bust rocks on Merc"?

Still, this was an interesting idea well executed. Very good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Hmmmm...
The tittle is OK,
Its not so good title but related,

I like the imagination of this story but I think something should be enter,
I though something lack in this script.
I didn't get location and characters well.
Maybe its because I don't like this kind of scripts
Its good script but need to work on it I thought

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Awesome. Second script in and I doubt I'll find anything to top this.

Original idea and setting and very well executed.

You pack a lot into those five pages.

Well done.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I like the sci-fi world, the hard-core prisoners trapped in a mining colony on the moon. I also like the idea of sealing them into these cylinders and treating them as "garbage".

I have two basic problems. The first is that the "found footage" element seems arbitrary to this script. This is straightforward narrative, and there's no "realism" to the dialogue. You could just as easily film this straight - the "foundness" of the footage is totally directorial choice.

The second problem is the story. While the dystopian setup is a good one, that's all it is - setup. The reveal at the end is simply more explanation of how terrible this world is. In fact, it barely makes sense. First, why would a new trainee NOT be told what he's actually up to? You're not going to send a pilot in an expensive shuttle to the sun and not tell him what the job is. You're certainly not going to pick a trainee if he doesn't know what he's in for. Moreover, it's a Rube Goldberg execution method. There's so many ways to kill someone on the moon - asphyxiation, shot into space, hell, Pilot suggests that they could just leave them out in the 800 degree sun - that to build a service around FTL travel to the sun just to jettison some industrial strength canisters containing prisoners? That seems too unbelievable, even for science fiction.

Still, if you start from your basic premise, you could certainly build up a fascinating story around it.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

There’s an interesting story in here with some good moral dilemmas.

It might be that the telling of it was a bit forced for me. Also, I’m not sure that I see what the found footage approach is adding here.

The dialogue on page 1 feels like exposition to me.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

Good story and well told. A couple of things though. I thought the use of pilot cams was a bit of a sly way of getting the script qualified: in other words, you could have told the story without the cam and it would almost be exactly the same. Nevertheless, that's a technicality. I was somewhat confused at the end with the pilot's intention: did he always mean to jettison the garbage or just took advantage of the situation? Was not clear to me. Also not clear why the co pilot didn't seem to know what the red button was for and why jettisoning the garbage would correct their flight path. Or indeed how fast these guys were travelling: must be very very fast!! CLose to speed of light?

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Nice, clean read. The only confusing part is the switching of the POV. The way I read it... all the action occurs in the cockpit. Why not just use one camera that is in the cockpit so you avoid all the switches of POV, which are unnecessary to tell the story.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

A group taking out the trash in space. Then Copilot finishes his task of taking out the trash. I have little knowledge of science fiction and know nothing about space station. I looked it up and it looked like a train, but then again, I could be looking up the wrong thing. While the concept of astronauts taking out the trash in space is a cool concept, I think you executed this story well. But for some reason, I feel that these science fiction stories have been done to death before, but this one looks a little different and original.

The descriptions are visual. The attention of detail in the action lines helps me to see what the story is. I just don’t have much to critique with your description. In addition, this is a fast read. Sentences are short and to the point. So is the sequence of events.

The characters are straightforward. I just wish I knew what their motivation to take the trash out is. If you could give us the motivation, then the screenplay would appear excellent. Why are they in space? Other than this, all the characters are well-rounded.
The dialogue is natural. I haven’t notice anything wrong with the dialogue. I wouldn’t change a thing about the dialogue, since we can see and hear these characters by what they have said.

Overall, I think this is an Excellent read.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Ha ha ha, yes! Very nice. I love this. Poor co-pilot lol! Now that is better than normal death penalty stuff. Quick and easy, no mess. I enjoyed this. Great! :-)

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

While I love the sci-fi here, and the epic nature of this piece the whole read got very confusing with the jargon thrown in and the multiple POVs and descriptions.

Since I'm not too familiar with the visuals it becomes difficult for me to concentrate and the pacing turns slow.

The twist is a bit expected, but still has great impact and I like the morality of the entire situation.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a very unique and enjoyable story, but a difficult read.

I think one of the problems is that it's shoe-horned into the "found footage" format required by the contest, so we're constantly being shuffled from one helmet-cam to the other and then to the cockpit cam, and you're sort of forced to describe each of these camera changes to us, not to mention every time one of the pilots turns his head so we can see whatever it is we need to see in his helmet-cam. That's distracting and not really much fun to read. (Why are these guys wearing helmet-cams, anyway?)

Another problem is we don't really know what's going on here, so you're forced to have the pilots explain it to us with a lot of on-the-nose dialogue. It's probably necessary for a story like this, but it's very cumbersome to read.

But, after we slog through all that, it's a really entertaining story. Very original. I enjoyed reading it.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

The use of multiple cameras (the ship's cockpit and the POV cams) seemed more like a contrived way of substituting actual camera setups, rather than a novel way of implementing the "found footage" technique. I'm not even sure how much better this story functions with the action being seen through the ship cams.

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

Hard to follow at some points, but a fair sci-fi tale. It's a thought that occurs in most peoples' heads, why we just can't get rid of all inmates who have done what ought not to be done. And this dares to answer quite possibly the future of what will be done to them.

It seemed a bit comical at times, a bit serious, but it was hard to get the overall tone down. I didn't really enjoy the main characters much, either, as they were bland. The description of the setting could've been much more detailed. FAIR.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Great story - very visual. Especially good work painting a futuristic picture within a narrow POV. Methinks a winner.

Tom Pinks (Level 1)

Quite an interesting concept kept me reading throughout but the cartoonish, sometimes on-the-nose, dialogue failed the characters as a whole.
As I said, a very creative and genius concept and the structure remains compact and tidy. If only the characters could truly shine through their words then this would be a very good script.

Comments Made After the Contest

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 7:21 AM

I don't understand who is dishing out all these 'fairs'. This is not a fair script it is at the very least a good script. I liked this a lot anyway. Very visual and original.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 1:24 PM

Thanks, MJ.

And I appreciate everyone's feedback.

Congratulations to the winners!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 7/2/2012 3:33 AM

This got an excellent from me!

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 7/2/2012 3:36 AM

I'm surprised that this didn't get to the top three or at least an hornable mention. I thought it was compelling. Characters are strong and everything. I rated this as Excellent.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2012 10:24 AM

Caroline and Reginald: I love you both! Thank you so very much for the wonderful comments.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 7/4/2012 7:00 AM

Another excellent from me. I would love a sci-fi from you. Please submit for MP contests whenever you're able too. You're a Hollywood screenwriter in the making.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5) ~ 7/5/2012 12:36 AM

Ammar, you are far, far too kind. Thank you so very much.