Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Very impressive concept. Beats and pieces from around the glob to tell a story of a disaster. What I didn't like is that the piece was a bit weak character-wise. I know it plot driven script, but I would have loved to see glimpses every now and then how the couple are hanging in there. How the his sweetheart dies maybe. But to have 100% plot-driven script. It just didn't do it for me. But you are talented and skillful, there is no doubt about it.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Cool trick to jump from camera to camera so quickly. It gives it a rapid MTV music video feel. There is certainly pace in this as I am scrambling to figure out how the scenes are related. But my curiosity hooks me in and I'd keep watching. It certainly gives a feel of action, of something happening.

Love how you creatively found any camera in the world you could find; mobile phone cameras, webcams, television cameras, security cameras, police dash cameras, thermal imaging cameras(!), satellite live feeds(!). Very creative use of the assignment!

Love how you return to Jeremy in the end. We now know the ordeal he must have gone through, the predicament he must be in. Before that it all felt a bit distant, but that last scene brought back the human side of it.

The script was a breeze to read.

I'm giving this a VERY GOOD because of its creative use of the assignment (in-world cameras).

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

This would probably be the most expensive short ever to be made...only kidding, but what a lot in five pages.

Alas it didn't really work for me, mainly because there wasn't much of a personal story to follow. I felt we had several pages of "this has taken over the world" which could hav been reduced. The conenction at the end was meaningful but a bit to late and disjointed from the rest of the story.

To me the FF is really difficult to do but at its core is a highly personal story since its recorded. This seemed like a normal story just recorded on camera around the world. We don't know why they are all put together.

All the best.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

First, I applaud the effort. I really love the imagination behind this idea. I think this would make an excellent short. Granted, it may be expensive to do so, but it would be great to see this made. There's not much to say. I was able to imagine and follow your story from start to finish. Great suspense. Great idea. Great talent on display. Excellent.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

There certainly is a lot going on in this piece and it is highly visual. The execution of the assignment was really well done. The writer also excels in escalating the tension and shifting from a micro perspective to a macro and back to a micro. The ending, however, is a bit bland. Overall, I liked it but this would be a winner if the ending could be punchier.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

Well written, lots of great imagery. It's all too familiar though as seen in lots of other movies (Dawn of the Dead reboot). My only problem was it focused on the exposition of the world and less on the couple.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Wow.

Honestly, I got a little bored with the Zombie Apocalypse-- three poignant scenes establishing the progress of the disease would have been enough, AS IS I was praying for the end.

The ENDING-- finally some context to the image-story. BUT THIS IS TOO LATE (more on this later). Love the full circle back to J- and why this is a 'Resolution'. EXCELLENT SCOPE.

The STORY.
--J-'s arc is great.
--The Zombie Apocalypse needs to be a tighter story. It could do with some context, that this is J-'s compilation of evidence about the outbreak-- maybe if some of the shots were INTERVIEWS J- conducted with survivors with first-hand accounts? (and their testimony is a VO while we watch the archival footage!) AS IS, I felt like we were supposed to be observing this in real-time, like a god or a supercomputer watching civilization crumble-- Mankind, epic but blah. One man, trivial but personal.

FOUND FOOTAGE
I thought the way it was handled was clumsy. Perhaps if the sluglines were the camera shots, and then in the description give us an idea of the location (let us guess if it's school, hospital, or store-- it's fun, it'll be cheaper, and it'll feel more like a sec-cam when you give us a narrow lens).

I think this is exciting. It makes me want to write one-- THANKS!

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

Not bad, but for me the footage scenes are so quick and abrupt it actually works against the script at times. It feels like you had the right idea, but the ff challenge I feel may not have been the best for Movie Poet, as several entries would have been much better with an additional page or two. This is no exception. Someone can "put together" a video to show what happened (zombie outbreak/plague) and that's fine, but nothing much is seen. It's fast. Abrupt. Some bits aren't needed (the police video for one) because the idea is already presented and clear. Jeremy has a camera at the start; didn't he film anything more? And that's what is needed. More - or, at least more of Jeremy's footage and not so much footage from other sources.

This would make a nice little montage for a script/film opening, however.
One other thing. The alias 'XXX' on the title page. Last year some Mp's jumped on my back for using an alias. Don't be too shocked if you get the same welcome. Based on that, I know if the MPs stick to that M/O/ they might take the scrore down a notch. Since the ff challenge is a tough bird and there are elements which are effective, I'll go down the middle.

By the way, when you wrote 'chalk outline of a body', that was all you needed. 'But no body' pulls us out of the scene. I'm pretty sure most chalked outlines of a victim are there to show where a body was. We most likely won't see a body there anyway, nor question where it may have went to.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Excellent. You explore every aspect of the genre and use it to its fullest capacity.

You're my hero, Triple X!

First of all, the title is brilliant. It works on many levels.

Okay, what we have here is global pademonium caused by an outbreak. There's news footage, cell phone footage, web cam footage... all masterfully pieced together to form a cohesive story. But it's not just about technigue and format. There's also footage of a couple that humanizes the kaos and bookends the script very effectively.

IMO, there is a very short list of writers on MP who could have pulled this off.

I'm sure this will place.

Excellent work.

David Serra (Level 4)

Very creative with using different camera POVs.

Although this came across as another zombie apocalypse meets the Blair witch project I liked the creativity you put in this.

Overall, Good.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Solid writing on display here.

"Thousands of people. But their silhouettes are totally black - no heat signatures whatsoever. They advance like an army." -- LOVED this from the B-52 through night vision. Never seen that before, totally original.

But there's my main problem... this flows like any opening (or ending for that matter) to any zombie film. It's not really original at all. I knew from page 1 this was an outbreak, so trudging through 5 more pages of each predictable stage of infestation and response was kinda... boring. I don't mean for that to come across as rude.

I also think you cycled through SO many different types of found footage angles that this felt more like a news reel for an opening to a movie, rather than a sample of FF writing.

This was a tough one to rate. Fantastic writing though, and I loved the tie-in with the ending. Despite my hesitations, I'm going to give this a VERY GOOD.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Wow, this is the last one I had left to review for this months contest and I must say it was a great script to go out on. At the beginning I was kind of thinking to myself "haven't I already seen this movie?" but you pulled it out and made it work well. Format and writing wise, as far as I can tell everything was spot on. So good on you. I couldn't really make any recommendations as far as how to improve this thing so I'll just leave it at that.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

Enjoyed this script overall great job. Impressed with your pacing, which is the most important aspect of creating suspense in a script. The story was interesting and intriguing to read throughout which will keep the audience in suspense.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The screenplay earned an EXCELLENT. I loved the way the writer brought all kinds of film into the story. I can not think of a single suggestion. Keep writing!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Little wonder that people ahve stopped watching the news!

Well written and clever use of cameras.

The thermal imaging camera sequence may be too subtle for easy comprehension but your House of Rep. "Lost" stuck me as just brilliant (even hilarious if it wasn't so sad.)

And your ending was emotionally quite moving. Excellent.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

From NY's Eve to near world destruction in five short pages. But that meant our attachment to the characters suffered.

Jack Meadowcroft (Level 1)

I thought the link with the start and end was done really well. Even though I thought I didn't get enough time to really feel for those characters at the start, I wondered what their purpose was and I liked the ending.

This actually kind of seemed like a trailer for what would be a feature film. Like quick scenes of panic and confusion followed by the shots handheld or something, leading up to the few seconds of the man at the end - it would make a pretty decent trailer.

Good job! :)

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 6
Story: 6
Originality: 3
Action: 8
Dialogue: 7
Readability: 8

This was a very good read. Unfortunately it was too similar to the beginning of "Dawn of the Dead", so I had to dock you a couple points there. For the most part though, it was a quick, descriptive, entertaining read. Well done.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is the last of the pack and for some reason I was going to skip it. I'm happy I read it.

A simple story very well put. Don't think it can be easily filmed but maybe with some clever tricks it could.
It's very well written and reads very fast. I thought it would be about nothing but the ending showed it's not. I'm glad you filled it with all those images of the end - that's interesting.

I expect it to win. Let's see. Anyway, Excellent from me.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think this is solid—nice visuals, fast pace, well crafted. My issue with this script…an honestly with this month’s contest in general is that “found footage” is so ubiquitous now, that you really have to bring something fresh to the table to avoid being a cliché and unfortunately as effective as your script is, it’s just not anything that has not been seen before.

Giving a good…

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific story idea. May have single-handedly used every possible camera perspective that exists. Although satisfying the prompt is left to the moderators, these different scenarios by themselves are very interesting, not to mention stimulating visual fodder.
The frame of Jeremy at the beginning and the ending make sense.
Did wonder if there might be too many incidents. After reading one after another on more than two pages, was curious about how they would be tied together. (Always a good thing!) Perhaps fewer scenarios with two or three scenes each that show progression might give the story an even more cohesive feel; for example, the update on the scientist in the lab.
Overall this story's an attention-getter. Well done.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

You might want to change "the world spins in and out of focus" to something more definitive. The visual doesn't really tell me what's happening on the screen. Drop the "revealing it to be..." part. That's understood when she takes it and turns it on him.

What "spectacle" is she looking at in the sky?

When the scream comes, describe his reaction. He needs to do something here. He could rush to the edge of the roof and look down or something.

The formatting is good. I don't care for camera directions in a spec script, though. They take me out of the action.

Spelling and punctuation are good.

This is not going to be easy to film unless you have access to some good file footage and can doctor it up as needed. It could be animated, but you'd need someone good to do it so that you don't lose the visual qualities of the various cameras. Producibility might be an issue, though... I don't know... It might be that someone else can look at this and see it as a walk in the park.

Again - You aren't really clear on some of your visuals. You might want to describe what's on screen in a bit more detail. Definitely replace words like "spectacle" with something specific.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I feel as if I've already seen this story done in this way. Perhaps because disaster and zombie movies already use this kind of news broadcast (even Night of the Living Dead had one) it feels so familiar.

Another drawback is that, apart from the first and last moments, there aren't really characters or a story to follow. To me seeing one character (or a few more, but obviously in a short you're limited) react to society breaking down is far more interesting than just getting a broad view of it (which is why I really liked 'Contagion').

Still this was good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

A lot of Footage in this one!
Most of scripts are just one footage.
I just remember one script that have two different footages,but this one has many different footages.
I like the idea.
It don't make you tired...
but the story is just in the first and last pages.In the other pages just discribes what happened in that DAMN world...
I just don't like the idea but the script is so well-written,

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This is pretty cool. I like that you didn't try to explain exactly what it was.

I'm not sure that his resolution at the end worked completely for me, but I like that it tied the beginning and end together. Great work!

Mikel Bossette (Level 1)

This is really fun in a lot of ways. You used so many kinds of media. I don't see this as a traditional narrative piece. It actually feels like a sequence within a larger film.

Initially, I wondered who the protagonist was. Who do I care about? The scope is huge. It goes from a couple to the entire world very quickly. The pace threw me off. Moving out so far and so fast is tough.

I started to wonder about the scientist too. Whether or not he was my focus. He is the only character aside from Jeremy who appears twice.

By the end the intention was very clear. I had to let it sit for a minute, but I do like the approach and the direction. I don't classify it as traditional, but if that wasn't what you were going for, I'd try to sneak more character into this broad story and try to adjust the pacing.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This has some great visuals and it is nicely book-ended with Jeremy and the 'resolution' line.

It shows the unfolding of something terrible occurring across the world but this is never clarified which I don't mind but some reviewers might and score accordingly.

Great visual story-telling again, well done.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This had a bumpy start - a few grammatical question marks (though no errors) and the quick, jumpy train-of-thought from smooches at New Year's to RABIES EPIDEMIC. But the footage that emerged was extremely smart and creepy, and the montage showed just enough to peak interest, just enough to give the idea of a global holocaust. This really worked.

The ending had to tie up the theme of why are we seeing this through fragmented video clips, and you basically succeeded. (Other than, of course, because that was the contest theme.) I'm not sure if it's a perfect thematic connection, but it works well enough - a video record.

Overall, an excellent piece of work.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is an ambitious script and I like the way you've kept it moving swiftly forwards. The bookends also work well.

I'll admit I got a bit bored after a while because I had a sense of where this was going and sure enough it kept on going the same way.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

A good attempt at an end of the world story through camera lenses. Well written and not a word is wasted. My only two negative comment is that it is all too predictable and that the story could be told just as easily without the various cameras. Having Jeremy and Kailee bookend the story is not a bad idea, but if they were involved through the story then it would have a far more personal touch and doesn't leave us with a feel of a series of news broadcasts.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

From page 1 to about page 4, I wondered how all these different camera angles fit together. They do show a story about some outbreak of disease, but I couldn't explain who/what is filming all this.

In the end, I realized it's a compilation of evidence/records of the outbreak. There's a big jump in the super - the last scene has a super of 365 days but the prior scene had a super of 14 days. Then the nuking of New York city. I would think this didn't happen after just 14 days of the outbreak.

Overall, the super issue is a minor thing. I still thought it was good as the writing is clean and the various footage did tell a story.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The new years resolution is to destroy the city. This is clever, but I don’t know if Jeremy could do all that by January. Why does he want to destroy America? In addition, when the year passed by, was Jeremy doing all this action as the days progressed. The storyline and concept is pretty cool, but for some reason, I got stuck in the time lapse, because I don’t know if he has been thinking about this for 365 days. I also think that foreshadow at the beginning, where Jeremy becomes a dog, worked. I’m guessing that this is flashback, but still, I’m don’t know.

We can see what is going on. The action lines, as usual, are clear. However, I think this would be an expensive story to film though. You also did well telling the flashbacks through action and visuals. I think it will take a while for producers to film this too, but it can be done.

The dialogue is professional. I wish there were more subtext though, even though the dialogue appears to run naturally. What would work is if Jeremy had voice over to express himself as he destroys the city in his mind. That would make this story a little more clear and give us the reason as to why he wants to destroy everything.

I feel like I have not spent enough time with Jeremy. Perhaps, he don’t appear to be a liable character either. Maybe his motives to destroy the city were undefined. If you could give us the motivation, I would be able to identify with him more. As for now, I don’t care if he reach his new years resolution.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

XXX - First off, let me say that I enjoyed your movie and think Vin Diesel did an excellent job of portraying you! :)

As far as the script, this was less found footage and more like the opening montage to Dawn of the Dead, sans Johnny Cash. Don't get me wrong, I'm a zombie fanatic with a survival plan and all, and I think some of your imagery was original and well used (zombies without thermal sigs), but too much of it was cliche. The hand over the camera, or the scientist video-documenting the outbreak (Jenner did this on The Walking Dead) are commonly used. I mean, think of how many times you've seen a "hand of authority over the camera" shot. Plus I'm pretty sure rabies was used as the excuse for the zombie outbreak before.

Your writing style is phenoms, and I dig your technique, but there just wasn't much of a story here. Just a summary of events with a thin zombie plot.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

While this is taut and well-written the premise feels really dated, as epidemics causing world-wide death and destruction has been done umpteen times.

Even the recent "Contagion" did this really, really well, and I'm afraid, without a single character or short story arc this is too big a narrative for a five page short and mostly feels like a documentary rather than a narrative.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Interesting idea -- watching a zombie epidemic begin and develop through "found footage" video clips. But (in my opinion) your story gets buried in the mechanics of making the found footage clips work.

First of all, why are we watching this as a compilation of cell phone videos, TV broadcasts, security camera footage, etc., etc., in the first place? Most "found footage" movies (actually, all of them that I can think of) have a plausible reason that we're watching found footage, e.g., it's the only footage left after a disaster or something like that. Your story just seems to randomly bounce around between various video sources, and each "bounce" requires another explanation of what we're watching. And each of those explanations stops and restarts your story. The end result is a bumpy ride.

I think you have an interesting idea here, but all the random video sources make it a difficult read, and in the end I sort of "lost the forest for the trees".

I did enjoy reading it, though.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

Very well written. The use of multiple POVs is very effective, each little snippet is effective in its own unique way. The last line of dialogue is great. The only drawback is that it feels more like an extended prologue for a feature than a self contained piece.

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

A very jumpy short. Keeps it interesting just to see what's going on all around the globe to survive this pandemic. Almost Zombie-like apocalypse, but not necessarily told that way. In fact, the pandemic is never really shown. However, I would've appreciated more of Jeremy rather than just cuts to random events around the globe. After all, he is seen at both the beginning and end of the script. He deserved more attention. GOOD.

Comments Made After the Contest

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 12:05 AM

Check out the original story here:

imgur.com/a/DeOSG#0

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 12:06 AM

All credit goes to vidzilla, by the way.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 12:48 AM

Congratulations on your second place.
Love the variety.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 1:36 AM

Congratulations on getting second, Travis!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 5:18 AM

Great script, my favorite. Congrats!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2012 7:53 AM

Well done Travis! Congrats again.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2012 1:34 PM

You cheated in the space between SUPER and the Scene heading, you're supposed to be DQ. :(

You took my second place. :'(

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2012 4:43 PM

Second place is the first loser.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 7/28/2012 9:31 PM

Travis - you dick. Lol