Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Good work. Well written. Dialogue for the most part works. Also, maybe some of the action description could use a bit of work. The description for the death of his wife and son is written so matter-of-factly that it almost feels like an after thought. 'Oh, and then his wife and son are crushed or something.' Consider cinematic language and style. You want the reader to experience the scene on just as much an emotional, visceral level as the potential future audience. So in other words-

Thomas steps through the door. Glances to the table. Then to the window, face frozen in horror as--

--WHAM!- A large commercial truck careers off-road into the restaurant front. CRASH!- Plows through the window into the restaurant. Glass and debris sent.... etc etc

You get the idea. Amp up the scene. This is probably the most powerful scene I'd imagine in the whole script. Which is also kinda odd since it's clearly the catalyst for everything that follows. And as such should be introduced a little later. Give your characters time to breathe. Maybe Thomas is caught late working at the lab. Realizes he's late for the dinner with family. Show us who he is outside of the restaurant.

This already somewhat brings into question your structure. If this is the catalyst for the story (and it is) then give it time to unfold. Work on your story beats. You could question that him entering the portal is the catalyst, but I'd say that's more your plot point leading into act 2. I'd balance the opening to the script more like this.

1-4- We meet Thomas away from his family at the university/laboratory. We get the impression of a keen intellect. We see how he reacts with students.
4-6- Maybe we see Thomas at a lecture. Here you can insert your theme. Maybe the idea of science vs fate. That we can't change the past. Pre-set. Pre-ordination. Whatever. Just something that introduces the thematic part of the story.
6-8- In Lab. Thomas realizes he's gonna be late for family dinner. Maybe in rushing to get there, strange sequence of events unfold that questions nature of fate. Bumps into someone meaning he isn't hit by car. Or pole falling from scaffold. Further punching home thematic idea of per-ordination fate (just as his family chose the only table in an empty restaurant that would be in the path of the truck).
8-10- As you have it. The Restaurant scene and accident at bottom of page 10.
10-12- Funeral. Aftermath.
12-24- Further aftermath. Introduce experiments in time travel using portals.
25- Enters portal.

From there, you have a natural throughline into your second act where all the time travel stuff happens. Or alternatively, Thomas enters the portal around page. 20 and then the killer is released by around page 25 as your plot point into act 2. That probably works better since that is the crux of the story.

So for all these reasons, despite being a good opener to the kind of script I LOVE (can't get enough Cause and Effect movies), I have to give this a GOOD.... but with huge potential once the structure is on point and the narrative allowed to breathe.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Nice read. I love the plot. Really exciting things can happen in this script. But here is the feedback you really want:

Rooting for Thomas:
The family scene was too short and too...normal. Nothing stood out. I want you to raise the bar here and improve the dialogue. Make the wife and the son more believable and 3 dimensional. Give us chance to realize how sever is his loss really, so we would care for him.

Experiment believability:
When he the portal made the ball travel, you can't have him jump right in. It's just a ball, and he's flesh and blood. Start the scene when he got everything right and already experimenting on insects or something. And don't just make him only fix an algorithm. Make the "I found it" moment more exciting and thrilling.

Dialogue needs improvement:
When she said "I can't believe it's been 4 years" it felt a bit on the nose to me. Other lines too.

Characters confusion:
I don't feel like you really know you characters when I read your script. They shift to quickly from one personality to another. Thomas start out rude in the lab, then he start smiling and stuff. It felt awkward. Also the tear she shed at the end it was out off place. She's already crying for him. Let the romance between the two boils slower than this.

I hope my review helped.
Best of luck.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I like the title.

Pg 1: I like Tommy. Playing with chopsticks is always fun.

Pg 3: Thomas can hear the engine roar from the kitchen, but Janine can't hear it from the dining room? She's closer to the action.

Pg 4: I like Angela's exposition. It's kinda obvious, but it works. Her bright demeanor clashes with Thomas' sullen mood.

Page 5: Spell out the clock time. Don't use numerals as it can be pronounced several different ways.

Page 7: The portal test is interesting, but the results are unverified with just a tennis ball. I recommend putting a stopwatch in the portal. If it's gone for ten minutes and it only shows one minutes has passed, then you've proven time travel. It's also a visual aid for the audience.

Page 10: I'm not crazy about your cliffhanger. With Thomas' failed attempt, will I be subjected to a "Groundhog Day" scenario? He'll go back in time again and again until he gets it right?

You're telling us character traits rather than showing them, ie: "Tommy is perplexed", "but somehow out of place", "Thomas looks confused", etc. A lot of these character ticks can be described visually. If Thomas is nervous, have him fidget in his seat or throw quick glances to all the doors in the restaurant.

You have too many wrylies. They interrupt the flow of dialogue and they take up an entire line.

So far, we're only introduced to Thomas' family and Angela. There are no other characters to introduce? The University President that wants to put a stop to Thomas' experiments?

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Things I liked:

Pretty much everything.
I really enjoy time travel stuff.
Opening sequence was an excellent attention grabber.
You're opening scene did a lot in terms of setting up your story -- well done.

Things I didn't like:

The scene involving Thomas and Angela did slow things down a bit; felt like too much talking.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

BIG subject, according to your logline!

I wasn't very enrolled in your story until the last scene when I suddenly became interested. I felt that the lengthy interaction between Angela and Stephen was quite dull and overlong and seemed not to add much to the story but be 'padding'

However, the last scene gave me hope and made me interested to read more.

Some notes I made as I read:

Don't tell us what a Chinese restaurant looks like unless it doesn't look like a Chinese restaurant (your slug line) The same applies to the Physics lab.

I'm on p 4 and I'm not warming to your characters, not even the protagonist. I find everyone so far rather cold and one-dimensional. I'm particularly unconvinced by Angela, I'm afraid.

A tear runs down her face?

Best to avoid lots of things in parentheses, most of all (beat)

Chris Messineo (Founder)

First, I'm not scoring on it, but I wanted to let you know, that I think this is a much improved logline. I also like this title much better, I just wish it didn't remind me so much of the famous book "Wrinkle in Time".

I liked this very much and I am definitely intrigued.

My concern here is that it is all happening too quickly - too easily. It almost feels like you are rushing it, just to get all this done in the first ten pages. Shouldn't it take more time to invent time travel with much trial and error.

Your craft is good and this is an intriguing setup, even if the idea of going back to saved a loved one has been done before. I just think you need to let this develop a bit more naturally - focus on the characters a little more so that we care about them and their predicament.

Still, I really do like this and I hope this moves on and I get to read more.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I like the way you get this story moving quickly. The activating event hooked me in immediately and I was turning pages effortlessly. The only criticism I can come up with is that while there is good action for the most part, there seems to be some talkiness in spots, not sure whether this will slow things down once on film.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

I think the time travel machine explanation confused me. I didn't understand how it worked which took me out of your story. Your opening dynamic with the family didn't seem right to me. The conversation seemed a bit superficial. I think you we're trying to show a loving dad with his wife and son representing what he loses but it wasn't enough. Interesting bit at the end. Not sure how you're going to play that out. Are you going to constantly have him try and fail or are we picking up the story with a dead older version of himself and how that affects him. Should be interesting.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Only half the plot has been engaged-- and not the exciting part.

The script dead ends-- he goes back in time and gets smooshed; now you have start all over again with Thomas 2.0.

Characters lacked strong personalities. (why does A- cry? she's not passionate enough in her arguments before hand to warrant this)

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I like what is being set up but I feel like we need at least a glimpse of who this world destruction killer is. That is a large scale villain in what has been set up as a smaller scale personal story of one man.

I also don't particularly think Angela is very useful or helpful. She is just kind of an information giver give her more personality. Maybe she actually hates this guy and she needs to make nice with him to get a good grade- maybe she isn't a very good student- or maybe she has a crush on him- give her something more.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

I feel like we just get a glimpse of the interesting aspects of this story at the end. How will the time machine work and how will it affect the world and the characters of your script. I think you could have gotten to this sooner here, without forcing the issue. A lot of the dialogue could have been trimmed.

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: Hits all the emotional beats, although a little awkwardly. Never really sure how THOMAS, trying to perfect time travel to get to the precise moment to save his wife and child, would then make such a "bone-headed" mistake by inputting an algorithm THAT HE JUST DISCOVERED! Better to have him have to make a choice of two formulas (Him not being sure which is correct) and then you have a much more plausible scenario of why he might not get to the exact time destination. Of course, you'd have to (and still should) set up WHY THOMAS HAS TO GO BACK NOW. I mean, what's the hurry? Won't the past always be there to change? It's also not really clear why he's taken away from the table and his wife and son seem to be the target of the "hit." Or is this a random accident? I'd use the dialog at the table to set that up rather than the inane banter that is there now.

WRITING: Couple of things scream amateur to me. The very first paragraph contains the "double exposure" of your SCENE HEADING included in the first sentence of you description of the scene heading! CHINESE RESTAURANT/Chinese restaurant. Second, the dialog seems wooden and "on the nose." Absolutely no subtext to it, at all. People talking to each other, with no dramatic tension, saying exactly what's on there mind will make your scenes read very boring and not hold our attention. Some small "warts" would be your dialog margins aren't consistent. Not sure why. Look at your dialog margins and make sure EACH LINE OF DIALOG STARTS AT THE SAME PLACE ON THE PAGE. It should be an easy fix, so check your software. Avoid adverbs as much as possible. They tend to lengthen the read and brand the writer as "lazy" or "amateurish."

OVERALL: One big question needs to be addressed going forward. Why? Why does THOMAS choose now to go back in time to change the past. There must be a trigger that compels THOMAS push the validity of his algorithms. That sort of "ticking time clock" is what gives your story the urgency that it currently lacks. Fix that, and you'll have a much more commercial story.

David M Troop (Level 4)

You set us up very nicely for what I believe will be a very cool ride.

The background story is good. Scientist's family is killed by a truck in a Chinese restaurant. Accident? This isn't the drive thru window? Probably not.
The mysterious phone call to get Thomas away from the table? Looks like a hit to me.

Luckily, Thomas is smart enough to invent time travel.
The tennis ball test drags a bit. It looks faster on paper, but waiting ten minutes for the tennis ball to reappear on screen might be too long.
And if a two ounce tennis ball can travel ahead in time ten minutes unscathed, a two hundred pound man with organs and a skeleton should be able to travel backwards four years without a problem. Right?

But the best part of this is the scene where he attempts to save his family only to get himself and them killed...again.
Does the past Thomas have to invent time travel all over again? If he attempts this again in four years and succeeds, will Janine be married to triplets?

Of course, I'm only speculating. But if you are willing to go along for the ride, this time travel movie could be very entertaining.

Formatting looks good. Just a few typos, if that.

You made Thomas super serious and driven, but he does love his family.
The scientific mumbo-jumbo seems plausible for an implausible situation.

Be careful not to break the rules you set up for us. And just have fun. Because, afterall, the possibilities are endless.

Overall, I think you have a VERY GOOD start.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Minor quibble: it's tough on the reader when you have two characters with similar names: Tommy and Thomas. I had to scroll up to see who was who, and that's never good. Make sure everyone is as distinguishable as you possibly can.


Make sure you use "(CONT'D)" after the name when an action text breaks up the dialog like on page 4. And again on page 8.

Thoughts.... I really wasn't on board for this at first mainly because I'm not a huge fan of time travel movies. Do you save loved ones or humanity? Well the protag is an asshole no matter which decision he makes, but ultimately, writers always set them up to do both. It's so cliche and generic. These are just my thoughts on this kind of setup.

But, in all honesty, you wrote a really good first 10. That last page had me begging for more, and that's what the first 10 is all about: getting the reader to want more.

Despite some major hesitations, I'm on board for this one. Good luck!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are my thoughts as I’m reading through:

I love your logline, by the way. Although, I have to admit, I think your title is a little more whimsical than your story sounds. Know what I mean? No big deal…just something to think on.

“…somehow out of place…” This seems a little vague. Is he FEELING out of place? Or is there another clue that could make him stand out against this backdrop?

It may sound odd, but I find myself very curious as to who was on the phone. You set us up that something was off when Thomas didn’t receive the call on his cell. So what was going on? It’s a GREAT secret to keep. But I think you could play up the mystery a bit…is there no one on the phone? Is it someone that he doesn’t know?

Nitpick: Maybe give us a clue as to how much time as passed between the accident and the next scene with Thomas at his computer. More than his hair. What can you insert here to make this transition more significant…give us a moment to digest the magnitude of that jarring event.

“I do my regular work during the day. I only do this after hours.” This seems a little “on the nose.” Is there a more organic way to work this information into the script? It could be fun to reveal this later…the clandestine nature of this work.

I like the “young” feeling of Angela’s character, but I’m having a hard time with “do you really think that these experiments mean anything?” Wait a minute, kid! He just dematerialized a ball and then it reappears. I don’t care where it went! That’s pretty flippin’ cool!

Be careful with the passage of time. 6 minutes is a really long time to just breeze through like that.

Wait a minute, didn’t Angela shut down the portal? But the ball still comes out? That’s a touch confusing.

I’m still a little concerned about the passage of time. Could these experiments be run where the ball comes back one minute later? I think the impact on the audience would still be the same. Maybe?

“…but I don’t want to see myself…” Be careful. Back to the Future pulled that bit off so well, it’s really sacred ground to tread on. That said, I like the Terminator idea with a twist that he’s trying to save his family. It’s interesting.

“A tear runs down her face.” Too much, in my opinion. Too sudden.

“You used the first algorithm…!” Yikes! I can’t remember what that means. That seems like a really major plot point and I’m feeling lost!

AMAZING last paragraph. AMAZING. One more time: AMAZING. The twist where he sees himself die…I did not expect that. VERY cool.

Here’s the thing…I won’t lie…I feel like, as a whole, these first ten pages move very slowly. But that moment where he shows up and gets hit by the truck while HE watches is superb. How can you get there faster? I encourage you to really go through these first ten and determine what information is MANDATORY in that moment, and what can be filled in over the course of the script. Do we need to know what he’s doing in the lab? No, when he steps through and shows up at the restaurant where his wife and kid are sitting we’d go HOLY CRAP, he time traveled! Do we need to know that an algorithm failed. Probably not, you can introduce that later as he figures out that something is wrong. Do we need to know ANGELA? I don’t know. She’s simply a vehicle to deliver information, right?

Look, I really apologize because I feel like a lot of this review will come across as negative. But take this with you: that moment where he tries to save his family and dies while younger him watches is MONEY. The kind of moment that scripts are wrapped around and you should feel really, really proud of that. Just try to pare things down before then, and I really think you’ll be in business.

Nice work!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

-"Basic Chinese restaurant" seems unnecessary.
-I'm sure you can get one if you "need"? Change to "ask"?
- "The clock on the wall says 12:33.
Consider - Angela looks at the clock on the wall. ANGELA - 12:33.
(You seem to prefer telling rather than showing)
-"Just because the tennis ball hangs around..." SHOW, DON'T TELL.
They watch for several minutes. Not literally or you have wasted time on film.

What I most enjoyed about your screenplay was an engaging and visually exciting opening
set up and the family dynamics and family relationships of the two parents and young son.

The biggest weakness I think is that you often explain rather than show. Thomas disappears through the portal and Angela explains - "Oh no! It's the wrong algorithm" to the empty portal. Too much explanation for the audience's benefit.

Also, the tennis ball ploy is reminescent of POLTERGEIST and may be just a bit overused. Finally, I think that using the tennis ball ploy at such great length weakens excitment and interest. What are the great stakes at losing a tennis ball,
an inanimate object. Consider using something live - that goes terribly, terribly
wrong. This would give a much greater reaction - of horror - and of greater interest.

Hope this criticism helps. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

OPENING IMAGE:
The question is who called him? Good hook.

PROMISE OF THE PREMISE:
The lure of time travel and a bad guy who tags along is what pulls us in. So far, the freak accident is satisfying and the protag is on his way. We'll meet the antag soon.

OTHER:
The assistant is obvious as exposition gal. The story started to cook when the tennis ball was brought out. Strong ending to the first ten.

VG. I'd like to read more.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I dunno... I can tell by your first paragraph that you're new to this. It's what can make you of break you. Let me break it down for you.


INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT DINING ROOM - DAY

Basic Chinese restaurant(you already told us it's a Chinese restaurant in the slugline, so all that's needed is "Basic"), several tables set for guests, but
only one has people at it. ("one has people at it" That just sounds odd. There could be a better way to put that) THOMAS O'NEILL, 30, short hair (why does he have short hair? does that have anything to do with the story?), neatly dressed but somehow out of place(How is he out of place? Is he blue? Is he sitting on his head? Do you mean he looks awkward? Then tell us HOW he looks), sits with JANINE, 30, a classic beauty (hat does her being beautiful have to do with the story? Unless you state that she is ugly, we, as the reader, automatically assume she is beautiful. We would never picture anyone ugly unless you say other wise.) who dotes on TOMMY, 5.

Okay, let me go on.

"That's the ones I don't like, too" - I don't like them either.

The scene with his wife. I can picture it, but the way you write it isn't cinematic enough.

Okay, his short hair meant something.

The gold watch Janine wore in the restaurant - Janine's watch.

"hard to believe it's been four years" - Try a better way to tell us. That's too blatant.

"The clock on the wall says" - Why does she say that? Why not just say the time?

The story is actually really good. It's just the action and dialogue that need tightening. I want to know what happens next.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Good story premise. Lots of promise here.

I like the way you keep the pace going on the restaurant. However, too much exposition in the lab between Thomas and Angela.

Obviously, you were trying to squeeze as much of the story into this ten-pager as possible. In your feature-length, I would recommend pacing the story a bit slower. Show us more about the Thomas and his family. Also, show us Thomas' reaction to the deaths of his wife and child. Show us how their deaths affected him - and not have Angela tell us that he's "loony" and that people want his job.

Technically: Good formatting. I didn't catch any mistakes.

Good luck and keep on writing!

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think you have a solid idea for this movie and this bad boy is RIGHT up my alley. In the interest of full candor, however, I feel the script is a little too rough at this point to recommend passing to the next level.

Your dialogue can, at times, feel like “placeholders” for action bits—it’s just static banter they engage in while waiting for the truck to smash or the tennis ball to come through. It has a hint of character, but ultimately is more utilitarian than human; when your characters talk, especially Angela and Thomas in the lab, the dialogue tells us (the audience) exactly what’s going on instead of communicating things to the other character…if that makes sense. I find myself screaming for some subtext…is Angela in love with Thomas? Are they sleeping together? Anything to elevate what is basically exposition for the reader/watcher into real life. My challenge to you would be to go back and revamp…maybe even strip away all expository dialogue (“it’s been four years” “everyone thinks you’re looney”, etc) and replace with something unrelated…what (and this is a “bad version” suggestion here and yes I sooooooooo loathe when people read my scripts and tell me “this is how you SHOULD do it” so I hope you take this in the spirit it is intended…to inspire, not dictate) if the scene becomes a seduction…Angela trying to get Thomas to come out with her and some of the other students? His refusal to leave the office and go out with a stunning and willing YOUNG female and instead focus on his work will tell us much more about his character than “people are saying you’re looney” ever will and it unfolds with action…with drama and then in the middle of all that…WHACK the tennis ball comes out. This is just a single thought to hopefully illustrate a larger point. Check out the remake of The Vanishing as it has some good stuff like this at the beginning…once Keifer meets Nancy Travis…

I also feel that the action unfolds a weeeeee quickly and I think you have more time and space than you use here. I understand you are trying to get as much action in as possible for the ten pages but in the end it feels very rushed…BAM she’s dead…BAM he’s driven and sad and trying to discover time travel…BAM he does it…BAM he goes back. I don’t think you need to spend ten pages on quantum physics but it may be a great opportunity to illustrate his character if you have a few more details in the actual process.

Finally, I am a firm believer in: there are no accidents. Having him, after JUST discovering his mistake algorithm, enter the wrong calculation in the computer doesn’t feel genuine. Perhaps this first trip could be the catalyst for discovering the algorithm?

I’m giving this a fair, but I do see it has definite potential…please feel free to reach out to me directly for more specifics.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

The premise is compelling. A husband losing his wife and son in front of him is heartwrenching.
The scenario on page ten works. There's color in the Chinese restaurant, and it's especially intriguing that Thomas witnesses the truck crush his wife and son and, this time, "a man that looks like him."
The exchanges between Thomas and Angela have conflict, but there's a lot of technical information relayed. All that talking has some riveting content and back story, but it would seemingly force an audience to watch two people talking. Wonder if there's some action, before the tennis ball exercise, that might break up their rather lengthy discussion.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The formatting is good. Spelling and punctuation are good after my first read through. If I didn't notice it then, it's a non-issue.

I think you rely too heavily on dialogue to tell your story, and the voices you give your characters aren't very interesting or unique.

You also write the action segments very cut and dried. That doesn't make for an exciting read.

You might want to work on building the tension more in the opening scene. It's too short. Maybe make it longer and a bit more poignant. Instead of telling the reader that the place is so average, make it a special occasion. He's there because it's someplace his wife and child love, so he's doing this to make them happy... Something - anything - that takes it from the mundane to the memorable.

Spend less time describing people and things, and more time describing and/or accentuating the action. You need to bring some excitement into the writing.

Example:

"Thomas steps through the door and looks toward the table. Janine looks back at him and smiles. He looks toward the front window and sees a large commercial truck crash through and run head on into the table and crush his wife and son."

Too many words to say simple things. How about something like -

"Tom peeks through the door to check his family. Janine and Tommy smile warmly at each other.

MOVEMENT to his left.

A large truck rockets through the front window. Obliterates his family..."

Not that specifically, but something terse and dynamic... Not cut and dried.

I missed the stated theme in two read throughs. There needs to be a point to the story. Some message or statement that sums up the most basic concept you're going for. And you need to make it clear to the audience by putting it in the dialogue.

This concept has a lot of potential. You need to bring out its soul a lot more, though.

Good luck to you with this.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

(Just an issue with the logline: surely if he chooses to 'save' his family, his family will then be destroyed along with all mankind, making the choice, while emotionally difficult, logically straight-forward?)

I like how you jump right into the time travel after the prologue scene without subjecting us to a long unnecessary sequence of him inventing it. However, I do think by compressing his first attempt at saving them down so much you're undermining yourself. Does he appear back at the lab, and has to race to get there? Or does he have to hide because he almost runs into himself and his family leaving the car? There are a lot of opportunities for tension missed.

"You know the whole time paradox thing."
The balance between exposition and progressing the story is difficult, but one of the biggest sticking points I have with this idea is the classic Grandfather paradox. If his wife and son didn't die in the accident, he wouldn't have made the time machine, and so couldn't have gone back to save them. (Comedies get more leniency, but in my opinion a serious thriller like this needs an answer.) Surely he reads/watches enough sci-fi to have thought of that, or the possibility that, because of the paradox, you can't change the past? I guess he doesn't realize because he's so obsessed, and maybe this will come back later, but it's still not completely satisfying.

Still, this was interesting and well-paced and I'd like to read more.

Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Does it grab me - Time travel is always an intriguing idea to me. There are aspects to these opening pages that just feel too weak however.

Are the characters well defined, strong, and engaging - I don't have a sense yet about Thomas. I'm not sure if you're trying to establish him as a workaholic scientist type or not, but there's not much character to him yet. Angela seems very out of place. If she's in her mid-20s she's a grad student also I'm assuming. However, her behavior seems much younger.

Writing style - The pace here was pretty good. I wasn't fully hooked on the story but it didn't feel overly wordy. It also wasn't tied down with too much technical description. Since this seems like it will be a thriller, you might want to increase the intensity of the action however. I think you could accomplish this just be having Thomas moving, scurrying around the lab as he prepares the experiment. Don't keep his so sedentary. The sitting/talking scenes don't offer much excitement.

Craft - I think there's room for improvement to to introduce this with more excitement. Some of your descriptions and dialogue seem more like filler and not critical to the story. You spent time explaining that the waiter in a Chinese restaurant is Asian and speaks with an accent. Is that necessary? I think everyone would assume the waiter in that restaurant to be Chinese. It's not necessary to comment on it. Trim to action lines to the minimum amount of words to get your idea across. Again in your opening, you don't need to tell us there are place setting at other tables. You could cut that to "A Chinese restaurant, empty but for THOMAS O'NEIL..."

Angela's dialogue and actions doesn't seem natural to me. She seems to be in the scene almost by accident but then knows exactly what to do to assist in a truly unbelievable experiment. I think you can build more tension by having her role more closely tied to Thomas's experiment. Instead of the meaningless banter, hey could be talking about critical details to ensure no errors.

I also think it might help to introduce the idea of the killer in this first few pages. We only know about that from the logline so I don't know how or where it fits in. However, if the killer comes from the past, maybe that's something that Thomas and Janine can talk about at the dinner table. Or open with a 1-page murder scene and then move across town to the Chinese restaurant.

Do I want to read more - I like the genre so in that sense I'd probably read more. But I woulds like to see these first few pages build more tension and excitement. Right now it feels too much like things happen accidentally. I want the character's actions to drive the story forward, not have the story cause the characters to do certain things.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

I like the logline, but the script needs work. Formatting is generally fine, a few spaces inserted before a line starts.

First note: If this is about time travel you MUST INFORM YOUR READER what the time is in the script. So if you're starting in 2008, and then 2 pages later end up in 2012, and then 5 pages later go back to 2008, put a note in the slugline. - DAY (2008) or [2008] or
put a SUPER: 2008 so the audience knows.

2nd note: The action is very boring. Everything is complete sentences, or longer, written like it's in a history book. Bring it to life! Make it more cinematic.

The most horrific thing happens to him is fitted into a run together sentence (page 3). Make us FEEL his pain, and the horrific crash.

Also, this is a personal stickler of mine, but you have 11 "looks" and several more "stop" and "walk" verbs. Part of the reason the narrative reads so slow, is due to repetitive and dull verbs.... and always using complete sentences.

I try not to have more than 3 verbs of ANY KIND in a full length script. At this pace you'll probably have 110 looks, 30 walks, and 20 stops before you are done. Break out the thesaurus.

And I know they're running an experiment, but try and find ways to spend the pages other than setting up the data, looking at the clock, waiting, and retreiving the ball. It sucks the life out of the scene and read.

One other thing: If you trail dialogue with ..., you don't need to put in the narrative right after that she stopped talking mid-sentence. We got it with the ...

I think the idea has merit, but you can present it in a more interesting manner.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

An interesting start to this script. I really like the concept here.

However I did have some issues with this implementation.

First, too much dialogue that at times seemed like exposition. There should be a way to show some of the stuff they said. This is a feature, not a short, you have time to show the way other teachers feel about him.

Then his testing of the portal was too rushed. It completely made me disbelieve, you lost me when he went through without even testing another live animal. Even the craziest scientist would do that first.

I think this needs a bit of rewriting and reorganizing, though maybe you've already done that if you've continued writing.

Good luck with advancing to the next step.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This has some good pace to it, perhaps too much, it's all a bit fast befuddling. it might be worth spending some time with Thomas in his life now before the time travel works.

I also think the opening scene doesn't work because of the phone call - you even flag it up yourself, why don't they call on his mobile? it's purely a device to keep him alive and it's very clunky.

Angela's line in the office about 'I can't believe it's been four years' is also unnatural and clunky, we can see by his hair that time has passed.

the whole office scene just doesn't really work for me, the science bits don't make sense and the clock jumps from 1pm -7pm - or it needs to be clearer that one's a timer and the other a watch.

I'm not hooked in I'm afraid, it's not tight enough and the characters are not really appealing to me, they're a bit bland.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This ends on a note I couldn't possibly foresee: the "present self" dies. This is the guy we've been led to empathize with, to see as the actual protagonist, and to kill him off throws us for a real loop. I mean all of this positively - it pushes the envelope, and lets us know we can't settle in for a comfortable ride.

The weakest part of these pages is that it conveys a surprising lack of emotion. The main character seems a detached sort (possibly because of the tragedy of his family) and I wondered if it was a kind of device at first, to detach the audience as you detached the protagonist. But I don't think that's it - it's too hard to swallow. The family is killed in one large four-line paragraph, without fanfare, and then we're off to another scene.

More blatant is the reaction to the experiment itself. Angela talks like Thomas is a big joke, because his "time experiments" don't do anything but dematerialize an object and then reconstitute it moments later. Think about that for a moment. He can DEMATERIALIZE and REMATERIALIZE OBJECTS. That's, like, possibly the craziest scientific breakthrough ever. And they're like, "Ho hum, no time travel? Big deal."

Furthermore, they're not big on safety. They escalate the experiment from tennis ball to human being, without even using the old Back to the Future protocol to check time travel: why not throw a clock through? Plus, he's concerned about the time paradox of seeing himself, but not concerned about the paradox of actually saving his family.

Incidentally, the new title isn't great, but it's a big step up from the original
"Time Trip".

I think the logic and the emotion of what's actually happening needs to be re-examined, but the plot of it works well enough.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ll make notes as I go:

Pg 1 - “INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT DINING ROOM - DAY
Basic Chinese restaurant, several tables set for guests, but only one has people at it.” - I have a pet peeve about opening lines in scripts and I’m afraid I’m not a fan of this. It could say the following and nothing much would be lost:
“INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY
Only one table is occupied.”

I know they are related, but having characters called Thomas and Tommy makes me have to concentrate too hard.

Pg 2 - “He speaks with an authentic accent that fits the place perfectly.” - This is an example of something you’ve done several times so far, which is to tell us things that we’d assumed anyway. If he speaks with a perfect French accent then that’s worth mentioning, otherwise it’s just slowing down the read.

Pg 3 - The accident on this page seems to be the inciting incident and works fine. I wonder if you could make more of it since it is a key moment for the story. If you intercut between the restaurant and a drunken truck driven over these first few pages then perhaps you could establish some effective tension before the disaster strikes.

Pg 7 - The time travel experiment and the banter between these two has given this energy and intrigue.

Pg 8 - “Oh my god! That's amazing!” - It was amazing even when he was ten minutes wrong, I’m not sure why getting the time jump right makes it that much more of a big deal.

Also, forward time travel in a fixed location is hypothetically much easier than backwards time travel projected to another place, so for me this massive expansion of his machine’s potential powers feels a bit forced.

Pg 10 - And I really like the idea of adding in him seeing himself in the accident. It’s a great step twist to the story even if you’ve had to compress things to get it into the first ten pages.

The sci-fi premise of this has good potential and I’m hoping that as you go on with this you can refine what you have so that the story has room to play out a bit more comfortably.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

I like time travel films and this one could be interesting. Worth waiting to see the next chapter. INteresting to see how the villain comes into play and how you resolve the typical time travel issues.

I thought the dialogue was a bit wooden and needs more sparkle and perhaps even some humour. The tension building up to the successful tennis ball experiment and then Thomas himself going through the portal needs to be tighter and more suspenseful.

A minor nit: I doubt whether a five year old kid will use the word "collided".

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Wordy logline. Cut. Cut.

pg 2 This line: "They said it is urgent." has an extra space before it.

Looks like pages 2-3 is a flashback. Indicate this then.

pg 3 This line: "Hard to believe it's been four years." feels too convenient / on-the-nose at this current moment. Actually, that short exchange Angela berates Thomas for working too hard feels too on-the-nose, which is a stark contrast to the opening scenes. I thought the opening scenes read well - I liked it.

I like the cliffhanger on page 10. This page alone make me want to read at least the next scene how this is resolved.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Who crushes whose wife and son? Your sentences were confusing. I believe that the incident about the son being injured is important, and I wasn’t sure whose son was you referring to. Is it Thomas’ son, and Janine? You should say that then, to be more specific. I also like that you gave us the inciting incident to us early on in the second page.

The subtext is rich in your dialogue. The conversation between the father, son, and mom are real.

I think the setup is excellent. However, it would be nice if they were in a bad relationship, where Thomas has to fix it or something, or give us a reason why we should care about the parents. The flashback is unnoticeable.

We can see that he’s in the physics room trying to invent the time machine, which is the inciting incident of the story. The structure appears to be linear in some way.
I like how you ended the first ten pages of him trying out the portal, where his wife dies again. The dramatic situation, where the wife dies, is good.

Your characters are well developed. I just wish that you gave us a reason as to why we should care about his wife and kids at the beginning. Other than that, everything else is fine.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Between 12:34 and 12:39 you only have a small amount of dialog and unless you cut to the scene later, five minutes can't pass this quickly in real time on the screen as we're watching them talk.

---
Thomas appears outside the Chinese restaurant.
---

You really need to describe this in vivid detail. Appears how? Flash of light, fades in, Star Trek-like?

***

There are certain elements in these ten pages which I dig. I love the scientific jargon being movie plausible, you don't dally too much on the science and yet sell the premise. The one thing I don't get however is how does an inanimate object like the ball return back?! He's not programming the ball, but the machine, so someone in the future has to throw it back, don't they? Because if he throws it in one end and it comes out the other minutes into the future, then it's a kind of weird teleport and not a time machine.

And yet someone has to throw it back. I've tried a bit of mind bend and it doesn't quite gel.

That's not a major concern.

What doesn't work for me here is how you've neatly fitted the entire premise in 10 minuttes. With these ten pages I actually feel like i've just seen a great short film.

I treat the twist on pg.10 as a great ending and heck, it works rather well.

Which makes me question the whole multiple loops, and how each time might be different, what might he try next and I don't see much more. You mention a killer in your logline, but don't hint about him at all. Unless, a version of Thomas will be the killer.

I wish you'd taken your time with the opening. Why not keep going with the opening scene and have his future self-appear only to be killed and then pop up in the lab and scare Angela who's looking for her lost keys or something?

That's a heckuva hook for the entire premise and you might even have room left to tell me if his past version is killed in the future how could he re-appear back in the past or present.

Still think it's a killer short idea!

PS: I don't like the title too much. It sounds a bit too much like a painting title.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a good time travel story, but I'm a little confused. It seems like it's the whole story. (You even have a FADE OUT.) Thomas invents a time machine so he can travel to the past and prevent the death of his wife and son. He goes to the past but fails to save them...and he dies in the process. So now what? Does the younger Thomas re-live the ensuing four years and invent the time machine again? Does the younger Thomas eventually realize who "the man who looks like him" is? And (a time travel paradox) why didn't the younger Thomas see the older Thomas the first time?

(Well, forget that last question -- some kinda time travel paradox is almost always gonna rear its ugly head in time travel stories. You just have to go with it, I guess.)

But we haven't even arrived at your main story yet (according to your logline) -- the killer bent on world destruction sneaking through the time portal. I can't figure out how that's gonna happen with the older Thomas dead and the younger Thomas hasn't invented the machine yet.

So, I guess you achieved one of your goals with your first ten pages -- you've got me wondering what happens next and how this is all gonna resolve itself. Great job with that. Hopefully I'll get to find out in the next round of the contest.

My score: Very Good.

Van Atanasov (Level 2)

Really good style of writing. I expected the scene with the tennis ball to unfold differently, a confirmation that the machine actually works would have made the quick decision to leap through the portal more sensible. I'm saying that cause everything happens really fast and feels like it needs a bit more suspense and mystery, as opposed to "there you go - a time machine!". Still, if the idea is to focus solely on the problems that time travel causes, it works.
Nice touch with the wife timing him with her watch.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2012 12:32 AM

I really enjoyed this opening. I was hoping it would move on to the next round. If you haven't finished it yet - you really should.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 6/1/2012 12:33 AM

I thought this was cool writing. I was hoping to read the rest of the 90 pages because of its cool concept.

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2012 10:49 AM

Thanks, Chris! Thanks, Reginald! As I've been working through this, the plot has quite a few inter-twining aspects that will be challenging to pull off, so I'm sort of relieved to not have to get it all figured out in time for the next round. But, I think I will finish this because the feedback above is so helpful. I wish we could run all of our first ten pages through Movie Poet!