Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

First off, this had one of the best titles of all the entries. That's the good news.

The bad news is, this opening doesn't QUITE work. I stress quite because it's almost there. Rather than launch into reams and paragraphs, I'm gonna tackle this bullet-point style. So the issues are-

1) Confused protag POV. Still not sure if our hero is Shaw or Lewis. Both are afforded equal footing. I would assume it's Lewis since we open with him and he's the rookie learning from Shaw which is always the most empathetic way in to a story. But if that's the case, it makes much more sense if Shaw makes the movie-set error and Lewis is the one who calls it. A kind of 'Despite-your-experience-you-don't-know-everything' motif.

2) I have no concept of theme. Remember, if this is to be a viable property to sell, scripts need themes and that needs to be established in the opening pages. That goes for lifetime drama as well as fun tongue-in-cheek vampire romp.

3) Dialogue both needs work and needs an edit. We spend to much of the script at the crime scene. Shaw delivers two sort of Tech-guy metaphors which dilutes the point. Keep it to the rats reference. Remove the 'beating off'. It's overkill.

4) Lots of typos- PROOF READ

5) A few instances of heavy-handed info dump. In particular, the presidents visit. You could easily insert that little detail later (perhaps after Janet's call). For now, stick to the crime scene. But get us out of there a little earlier.

And now the good stuff. There's some lovely details here (the whittled tree branches) and the misdirection is expertly handled. In terms of the read, it flows really well. And it is of course well-written. As I expected from the professionalism of the logline.

But, because it meanders just a little at the crime scene meaning we barely really get to know much about our protag, I can only give this a GOOD. Assuming your catalyst is Janet's phone call, I needed to know more of our hero before that moment.

But all this said, I'd read on. I like the pace and sense of purpose. Good start.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Things I liked:

I liked the scene with Lewis thinking he discovered a second murder scene.
I really liked the final scenes involving Janet at the end.
The mystery is there in the beginning, but it's stronger towards the final couple of pages.
I liked the Janet character.

Things I'm unclear:

Why not open with the actor being murdered?
I'm unclear why you had certain words underlined? I'm not a pro at this, so maybe I'm missing something.
Janet's wig? Was it red or blonde?

Things I didn't like:

The characters -- Lewis was okay, and I really didn't like Shaw.
I really didn't get a feel for the characters.
Lewis is super smart, but it's more said than shown.
The adverbs were a bit overused -- it clouded a few action lines.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I like your character descriptions! I liked the characters of Shaw and Lewis.

Well, I thought this was quite snappy and pacey but the end of it didn't contain some sort of compelling event that made me want MORE. It was a romp, well-written, as such, but no structure.

Notes as I wrote:

Lost its physique - not it

Rather too much stuff in parentheses under character names. Just don't do it unless you really have to...aaaaargh, it goes on and on!

Also, underlining words for emphasis...

References to films may pass your audience by. Be careful.

manicured not mainucred...rather a lot of typos...Now you say steak instead of stake

Sultry gentry...Gentry

Driver's seat

Best to call Janet Whitby that right from the start...confusing to be frizzy blonde?

Why have you capitalised SHRIEK?

Lin-of- sight?

Shaw and Lewis are pour??

brass tacks not tax

our killer not out

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Honestly, I was surprised at the tone of this story. I had anticipated something darker and more dramatic (based on the logline) and this is funny, but not quite funny enough to be a laugh-out-loud comedy. I think you might want to consider making a stronger genre choice - go for the laughs or lose them altogether and go for the drama (my preference).

I like the crime scene opening, but consider starting with the crime - maybe seen from some obscure angle - so we're not quite sure what's happening (e.g. "Basic Instinct").

You have strong characters here, traditional archetypes (I like that you make fun of that).

There are a few typos - it feels like this might have been written in a rush (mine was).

In the end, I think this has promise, but I wish the tone was more consistent.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

You did a wonderful job with dialogue and its use as a tool for defining character. I felt that there was not enough of or any for that matter of a hook to immediately draw me into this world. It appears like Janet may provide that but I couldn't tell from first 10 pages. If she is the source of the hook I would bring her in earlier.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

The story beats were a bit confusing to me as far as the layout of the mansion, then a mausoleum, then mansion, then cemetery, then talk of a film set. I wasn't sure what space the two detectives were in. Made for a very difficult read. The setup of the 'killer' is okay but not particularly memorable. It just seemed like a long winded setup that didn't go anywhere. Then some random mention of the president arriving. Arriving where?

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It's like CSI the vampire movie.

Realistically, nothing has happened. There's a little tilt that Janet's involvement is complicated-- but that's so little of what went on. I'm still waiting for the rookie to meet this woman, or at the very least some evidence of a vampire terrorist.

It was a boggy read. Too much focus on details-- the guy's hansom and nerdy; the blood is purple-red-- why cant it be one or the other?

Also, the dialogue seems secondary. It's been crafted to recreate the crime for our benefit, but there should be a subtext-- Shaw just goes along too much and Lewis is too much like Sherlock Holmes. It lets the scene flow quickly, but it doesn't let the chemistry develop. You've set it up like Shaw's evaluating the rookie's skills-- so let his dialogue dictate Lewis next line/action.

Janet's Scenes.
--Why do you keep her identity a secret at first? The moment of the reveal an on-screen development, so why?
--Smoother transitions please. As a reader it's reassuring when the shift between characters happens naturally-- when the scene just jumps from a perfectly viable plot to a stranger it's very confusing.
--I'd have started with her hanging out at the crime scene and then shift over to the police. That way when you need to make the jump to Janet changing clothes, we've already seen her and her handy work...
--but it's not is it. She's a vamp too right?, so why tip your hand here? What if you hold off on Janet, and let us meet her under the same circumstances Lewis and Shaw will.

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: The biggest problem with "Grave Stakes" is that the writer doesn't trust the reader enough to hold back the reveal until later in the later in the story. Why let us know that your killer is a vampire? Whether JANET is your antagonist, or not. I'd prefer you open with the murder in its final gruesome stages. Even if you show the stake being pounded into GENTRY.

WRITING: Four major items that seemed to get my interest. First, way too many wrylies -- parentheticals -- and a subset if that would be the constant stream of actor directions. Trust your reader to get what you're telling them. Actors are going to do the scene the way they want to anyway, so don't burden the read with unnecessary lines. Secondly, WRITE IN THE ACTIVE VOICE. Every time you use "is" and "are" in your description, you're slipping into the passive voice. "Lab techs ARE milling about..." should be "Lab techs mill about..." "The driver's identity IS hidden..." would be better as, "The glare on the windshield HIDES driver's identity." Always, always try to keep in the active voice. Thirdly, adverbs -- AVOID THEM. They smack of lazy writing. Finally, get rid of BEGINS TO (STARTS TO). Those are "throw-away" words. All they do is add words for a reader (and most studio readers appreciate every single word you keep their eyeballs from coming in contact with). Simply put, a character begins doing something when read that he/she's doing it.

OVERALL: "Grave Stakes" fells like a "paint-by-the-numbers" screenplay that doesn't want to let the story "marinate" with the reader before revealing key plot points. A more subtle approach would be more effective and keep the reader guessing what's going to happen next.

David M Troop (Level 4)

page 1
Shaw sports a Marine Corps buzz cut, but his body lost it (its) physique long ago.
Don't underline words in the dialogue. Let the actors act.
page 2
I didn't understand the whole exchange betwen Lewis and Shaw at the bottom of the page. Did the crime scene resemble one of Gentry's movies?
page 3
The Female Fan breaks down, nodding and weeping. (The Female Fan nods, then weeps.)
You switch back and forth between Present Perfect Tense and Present Continuos Tense.
Write in the Present Perfect Tense.
page 4
Then he looks more closely at the well-mainucred (manicured) hands,
pure orderliness of the of the room. (Sounds like Foghorn Leghorn)
page 6
Shaw pokes Lewis in the chest causing the younger man to stumbled (stumble) back a bit.
Out (Our) killer has stepped their--her--game up
Lewis considers this, rubbing (rubs) his chin and looking (looks) out the window.
page 8
She pulls the red (blonde)wig off, revealing her red hair
Down the block a late-model SUV pulls out as well, heading the same direction (follows)
page 9
She manages to gain some composure, wiping (wipes) the tears from her eyes and sniffling (sniffles)
lin-ofsight (line-of-sight)
Shaw and Lewis are pour over dozens of photos
page 10
Their conversation is interrupted by the RINGING of Lewis' phone. (Lewis' phone rings.)

Not bad, but there were quite a few typos that could have been caught. (Unless you are one of the writers who wrote your ten pages in two hours on April 30th.)

I would have liked page one to start with Gentry alone in the mansion just before the murder. Show us a glimpse of the murder. Him being stabbed in the chest, etc. Then maybe you could cut down on some of the exposition between Lewis and Shaw.

I like Lewis and Shaw, but maybe make them despise each other...more tension...it would make them more interesting.

Janet seems like a goofball. Probably not the real killer.

Who is following Janet? Hmmm?

Not a bad start. The typos and some formatting issues (lots of wrilies) took me out of the story a few times.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Good start - you've set a comedic tone and laid out what we can expect going forward. You've got a fun side-character with Shaw, and a likeable protagonist with Lewis. Your descriptions work very well - just enough information to let me see the scene, but not too picturesque that you lose me. (In my opinion, this is how script descriptions should be - I see many that are very descriptive but then I suddenly feel like I'm reading a novel, not a screenplay.)

This script does need a close edit, and with that you could fix the few critiques I have. But this is solid writing and I hope to read more.

Edits:
p. 2 Change "and looks to the sky, sighing" to ", looks to the sky and sighs."
Change "turning him towards the house" to "turns him towards the house"
Try to get rid of "ing" verbs in the descriptions.

P. 4 You've got "well-mainucred" instead of "well-manicured".

p. 6 Not crazy about Shaw's dialogue here - could be tightened up.

p. 8 Change "After rounding a corner she checks to make sure she's out of sight and then heads to a battered old hatchback car" to "She rounds a corner, checks to make sure she's out of sight, then heads to a battered old hatchback car." Also, "She pulls the red wig off" obviously should be "She pulls the blonde wig off."

p. 9 Change "She manages to gain some composure, wiping the tears from her eyes and sniffling" to "She pauses, wipes the tears from her eyes, and sniffles." Also "lin-of-sight" should be "line-of-sight".

Good job!!

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

On pg 9, should read "line of sight" not "lin"

Also on pg 9, "Shaw and Lewis are pour".. get rid of "are"

There were other small typos I didn't outline, mainly in part because I was hooked in your story! Good job story-telling and building suspense. Can't wait to read the rest! Great job

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Ok, the first thing that catches my attention is, Lewis is a detective investigating a crime and he has to get the address of the place from buying celebrity house maps? I mean there is a such thing as suspension of disbelief in any movie but that's a little too much to ask right out of the gate if you ask me. Secondly, Lewis and Shaw are both supposed to be older guys so I would expect their actions and dialog to reflect that, which they definitely do not. Also, unless your purposely going for mock-predictability the whole Janet thing was predictable from the very get go and the lack of payoff with the reveal made the whole jogging scene seem pretty pointless. But the story is imaginative and anyone trying to write about a gang of vampire terrorist has some guts if you ask me.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are my thoughts as I was reading through your pages:

“…had to buy four maps of celebrity homes before I found the right address.” Very slick way to establish that the house is “special.” Nice.

Love the trickery with Shaw going over the movie set like it’s a crime scene.

I really like this first scene, and the only thing that I’m trying to figure out right now is this: what is Lewis like? He’s a gangly nerd type…okay…but is he cocksure and unaffected by his blunder, by Shaw’s ribbing? Or is he nervous, embarrassed: vulnerable. I think one of these two choices should be made with AUTHORITY in this first scene. You have great situations, use them to really define what Lewis is like…so you can DESTROY him with it later!

A LOT of typos and grammatical errors. They were ignorable through the first few pages, but things are downright ugly on page 4. “well-mainucred hands?“pure orderliness of the of the room?” Be careful!

Why the dramatic removal of the sheets? Seems inconsistent with Lewis’s meticulous movements before and after he does that.

I’m having a hard time with the transition of Shaw’s character that starts after the test scores line. He suddenly gets serious as though he was threatened…even though his scores were higher. But he doesn’t really go after Lewis personally, which is what you would expect if he’s threatened somehow…he’s instantly all about the case. I’m just having a hard time feeling his motivation through this. It’s okay to keep some secrets from us…it’s GREAT in fact. But this character seemed to be set off by something non-threatening and then responded with NEITHER a fight (personal attack on Lewis) or flight (getting out of the situation ASAP).

I’m enjoying the vibe of this. It’s slick. Groovy.

“She pulls the red wig off, revealing her red hair.” I’m really not a typo nitpicker, but you’re forcing me into a corner here!

Nice ending to these pages with the phone call from Janet.

I enjoyed these pages. Two things you can really do, in my opinion, to take this all up a notch: 1) Proof read. Proof read. Proof read. Just too many fixable errors right now. 2) You’re setting up a nice relationship between Shaw and Lewis right now, but I think you need to make it even more adversarial than it already is. There should be several points where we think to ourselves: they would be better off working separately. Whether they hate each other or maybe Lewis WORSHIPS Shaw while Shaw LOATHES Lewis….I don’t know…just highlight every difference between them. Their relationship should be a big fat bomb and we should hear the fuse sizzling away with every moment they spend together. Then we start to ask, will that bomb blow up? Or will the fuse get put out before it does? BOOM…bonus tension in a script that already has a fun murder mystery going on!

Nice work.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Congratulations on an engaging screenplay with a terrific forward momentum. I honestly
can't find any room for improvement and think you clearly are a gifted writer of considerable talent. Your screenplay can only deserve an Excellent. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

OPENING IMAGE:
Had to read the crime scene description twice - is the crime scene tape over the mansion front door or the main drive entrance?

PROMISE OF THE PREMISE:
The logline says "rookie" detective but he appears to be smart enough to figure this out Sherlock Holmes style. The identity of the woman as a serial killer is known by the audience, beautiful of course. A possible link up is suggested. We haven't met the President yet but we know he'll be in town. Just add the terrorists and we're ready to go.

VG

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - I like titles with double meanings - good choice.
craft - your craft is mostly good but there are some mistakes. "out killer" should be "our killer", "with a clear lin-of-sight on Janet's" should be "with a clear line-of-sight on Janet's". And "She pulls the red wig off, revealing her red hair" makes no sense to me. Why have a red wig over red hair?
Dialogue - the dialogue is mostly good but Shaw seems to be a cliche.
Action lines - your action lines are fine.
Story - you have hinted at things that will happen later very well. I would read more.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

5 - "pure orderliness of the of the room" - typo.

8 - The both turn and look" - THEY'

9 - "She pulls off her red wig and" -- her BLOND wig.

10 - shawn and Lewis are pour over dozens of photos" I don't know what that means.

This was a rough first draft. I get that everyone doesn't have the time.

The story didn't flow to me and the characters where far from established. I had no idea who they were. I knew that there were two detectives and a woman who may have been a spy. I'm not sure what her role was in the story or why she was being followed.

The actions felt... again, first draftish. It could have been written smoother with less unnecessary details.

The ending didn't leave me wanting more. Where we supposed to wonder what the guy wrote on the paper? I didn't know what the conversation was about so I naturally wasn't concerned over what the note said.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Fun title, right off the bat.

This ten-page was a lot of fun to read. I really enjoyed reading it for several reasons. The story kept my interest and was fast-paced. The zippy dialogue made me laugh several times. The two main characters, Lewis and Shaw, quickly developed a good rapport and held my interest.

Technically: A few tiny little typos but nothing too major. Overall, the formatting was well-done.

Looking forward to reading more. Good luck and keep on writing!

Kirk White (Level 5)

I am not wild about this title…not a big fan of puns but that is 100% personal pet peeve so feel free to ignore this (or any other comment for that matter.)

reading this Computer Mal-PUN-Ction title with the logline makes me expect a farcical romp but what I’m getting so far is a pretty straightforward procedural with, in all candor, some rather dull and uninspiring characters. I’m just not sure who these guys are and what the tone around them should be….it seems like this is the first time they are meeting but are we talking Somerset and Mills from Se7en or Bradley Whitford and Colin Hanks from The Good Guys?

The character of Janet is intriguing but ultimately she just behaves the way a lot of women in this archetype behave. I’m finding myself screaming to have something unique come from this situation…especially since you have such a killer (no pun intended) concept. I’d like to see some of that askew point of view HERE in the script…in the characters…in their dialogue and I’m just not seeing anything that rises much above the opening of Basic Instinct with Jacob instead of a Rock Star as the first victim.

It seems like Lewis is your man…but who is he? And what is his flaw? His journey? You hint that he enjoys playing detective for an audience more than actual work but we don’t really see this in his actions…yet.

Above all I see a really neat and fresh concept that is not quite executed with enough originality to warrant passing on at this time…ultimately it’s just something we’ve seen many times before and I should be seeing your unique voice from the get-go.

Giving a fair…

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific description. The setup is colorful, specifically the gothic mansion location. Detective stories are popular, and there's interesting contrast between the rookie Lewis and the veteran Shaw. Assuming the Woman is the antagonist; intriguing mental picture of her physical description and dress. Nice touch that she even provides comfort to a distraught onlooker.
Although it's assumed that Shaw is a detective too -- even prior to his declaration "I hold that record" for the "best score on the detective's test" -- might clarify by inserting the detective title with his initial introduction. "brass tax" should be "brass tacks."
Bit distracted by all the wrylies. Most of the description and dialogue is written well enough to convey meaning. Lewis's line delivered "proud" and Shaw's followup "firmly" seem repetitive. Janet is obviously distressed cause she weeps and is pounding repeatedly on the steering wheel, therefore could omit "whimpering." Might streamline some of the lengthier dialogues.
Great title.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is a fun beginning, but it needs a lot of work.

Cut down on some of the banter. Write what's on the screen at the moment. Keep your descriptives down to the important stuff. A "gnarled tree" suffices. Avoid descriptions that don't really matter, and the "dying" part doesn't.

I'm not happy when people use a ten year spread (30's, 40's, 50's, etc.) to designate a character's age. The difference between a 10 year old and a 20 year old is HUGE. The differences between 20 and 30, 30 and 40, and etc. are nearly as huge. People don't grow much taller or shorter after they hit 20, but they still change significantly decade by decade. Use specific ages - can't hurt. If you have a terrible time with that (as I did when I finally went for it) use "early," "mid" and "late" as a modifier. At least you'll be a bit closer to the reality.

Don't underline words, especially in dialogue. Your writing should set the mood, tempo and emphasis on the words. Exclamation marks are wonderful for signifying stress.

Watch your spelling. A lot. And word usage, as well.

A GAMBIT is an opening strategic move in chess or other conflict. You want GAMUT for the crowd scene by the gate.

When writing action, don't use words ending in "ing." Everything you write should be in the here and now. It's not happening, it happens. Write individual shots when you can. Describe what appears on the screen in as few words as possible. A good story wants words, but make them count.

You're doing a lot of directing in your writing. "Face palm," "Smug..." That can work for you to a point, but don't get carried away with it.

Bottom of page 2 - I don't really see Shaw as the touchy-feely type from the previous writing, but you have him putting an arm around Lewis. You might want to rethink that one.

The "woman" is way too obvious.

Work on your dialogue. The main characters' isn't bad, but the bystanders could use some work.

Work on your spelling. I can see the possibility of misspelling "their," there," or "they're," but not so much "manicured." Whatever writing program you're using should be automatically informing you if a word you've typed doesn't exist. If you aren't using a program, try downloading CELTX. Any time there's a red line under a word, check it out.

Work on your punctuation. "Driver's seat."

Keep working on this. Your premise is pretty good, your characters are okay. Dialogue's okay, too. Spelling needs work. Proof, proof, proof...

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like how with the quip about maps of celebrities' houses and the business with the camera you establish what the scene is and the sense of humor of the protagonist. Maybe the second line is pushing it a bit - until Shaw says "I think I can leave this out of the report" we're not sure of his relationship with Shaw, because Shaw's uniform/rank isn't described.

I like how Shaw's speech instantly raises the stakes - the killer might strike again, and it's not just Lewis's career on the line, but everyone's, and the reputation of the city.

Page 8: "She pulls the red wig off, revealing her red hair"
The first "red" should be "blonde".

Page 9: "lin-of-sight" should be "line-of-sight".

Without reading the log-line, I would've expected this to become a stock procedural. But I like how, by suddenly revealing the killer, you subvert our expectations.

Very good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

I'm torn on this one. It's well-written, moves at a good pace and kept my interest. I enjoyed the lighthearted tone.

But somehow I'm not drawn in to the story and I can't really determine the genre. The logline suggests action/horror, possible comedy, but it's not funny enough for a comedy and there's no action or horror in the first ten pages.

I think you need a bigger opening to catch the reader's attention.

That said, I can see potential in this and it was an enjoyable read. You clearly know your craft.


pg 6 brass tacks?

pg 7 stake not steak :)

frizzy blonde pulls the red wig off revealing red hair

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Does it grab me - The beginning comes across as unique. Usually the cops know all about the dead movie star so it's refreshing to see Lewis hasn't memorized all the details. I like how you have him acting like a tourist in the house as well.

Are the characters well defined, strong, and engaging - Lewis comes off a bit naive which seems to fit the story. Shaw is stereotypical as you say in your dialogue. You might want to rethink that a bit just to make him more engaging, have his actions and dialogue a bit les expected. At the end of the 10 pages, the more interesting character is Janet. Did she do it or not?

Writing style - For what seems like a heavy movie, this all comes across very light and at times comical. Hopefully that's what you're going for. It was a fairly easy read but you haven't gotten to the vampire stuff yet...

Craft - "..wearing an ill-fitting suit" - is it too tight? too loose? Also, keep verbs in the present tense - wears not wearing - that happens a bit throughout the script. A few minor errors - gentry (small g) on page 7; you confuse the hair and wig as Janet changes clothes; bottom of page 9 "Shaw and Lewis are pour over..." omit the "are". Mostly it moved along at a decent pace. It was easy to visualize nd I didn't get lost in your story at all.

Do I want to read more - For me, this isn't the type/genre of script I would choose to read, but for fans of the vampire genre, I think you've put together a decent opening that will have interest.

Non-Scoring items -

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I'm going to come right out and say this... Rather than a feature, this script reminds me of a procedural television cop show. All the banter at the crime scene - dead giveaway, all that talk - and you spent most of your first 10 pages on that.

Presented as it is, I'm not sure this is a good idea for a feature film and you would be better off from a marketing perspective changing it into a pilot for an hour long television series.

As a pilot for a television series - this works - as is.

Best of luck with advancing to the next step.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

The light-hearted comedy tone is set right from the start with the goofy detectives and crime scene/movie set mix-up.

This is a quick read as there is little depth to it - which is fine due to the genre.

I think you may be moving a little too fast though as the main goal should not be embarked upon until the end of act one otherwise you will run out of steam and act 2 will have nowhere to go.

The characters so far are one dimensional and a little cliched. The dialogue is natural but there are some moment of on the nose exposition such as the exchange between Janet and the fan and Shaw's big speech - but I think with this tone it might work to keep that kind of talk in, as long as it's part of the humour - it reminds me a little of the movie Dragnet with Dan Akroyd and Tom Hanks.

It hasn't really hooked me in yet, the gags aren't big enough to make me laugh out loud and not enough has really happened to keep me interested. Your main bit of suspense comes from the SUV following JAnet but it hasn't piqued my interest enough to want to keep reading.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I like Harry Shaw's introduction.
A great start, makes the reader feel he's diving right into the story. A cemetery in the front yard - it's intriguing and spooky.
I really like how you build the story. You have small beats throughout the plot that make the story alive and move forward. That's what I call real writing.
p.8 - "She pulls the red wig off, revealing her red hair" - should be She pulls the BLONDE wig off, revealing her red hair.
The inciting incident - Janet calls Lewis and Shaw. I guess I'd like to hear something a bit more substantial than her talking about cookies. I hope it'll be on page 11.
Great writing, skilled storytelling. I love it. My favorite so far. Hope it'll make to the next round!

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I like the fact that yourprotagonist is half-rube and half-Sherlock Holmes. The dramatic reveal of bikini briefs is the funniest moment in these first ten, and really helps to cemnt Lewis' likability. Shaw works for the most part because Lewis outs him as a "living stereotype". The arc of the problem is clear, and I want to see Lewis and Janet team up to clear her name and fight vampires.

I can't really nail down the tone. It's too serious to be really funny, and too goofy to be serious. Sometimes it's self aware (like like "living stereotype" crack) but mostly you play it straight. The charcters are stereotypes, and it feels like that a joke waiting to be mined, but nothing funny comes of it. Janet's soliloquy is expository and unnatural. In fact, much of the dialgoue is just information-dumping - although that may just be the nature of the beast in a detective mystery like this.
There are also several typos throughout (like "brass tax").

Overall, it needs a little polish andajolt of extra comedy, but the characters andthe overall structure work.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ll make notes as I go:

Pg 1 - The first page sets up an atmosphere and a mystery.

Pg 7 - This is going along well in developing its mystery and the classic cop pairing. It might be that the dialogue on this page gets a bit heavy and that this scene is a bit long and static.

Pg 10 - This is going fine in a procedural with a twist kind of way. It might be that the story could be a bit more energetic, especially when I consider the logline and realize this could become action heavy later on.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

The first ten pages read like a comedy/mystery. If this was the author's intention then good job.

pg 6 "Out killer has" Out should be "Our"

pg 8 "She pulls the red wig off, revealing her red hair" I thought she wore a blonde wig?

pg 9 "Shaw and Lewis are pour over dozens of photos from the
previous crime scenes." Eliminate the "are".

Overall, it's a clean read.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The first ten pages are executed well. Two detectives finds a dead body in the cemetery, and other dead people, then they investigate the crime and find more dead people. Either Lewis or Shawn is the protagonist. I’m guessing that the woman or Janet could be the vampire. You gave us hints on who the killer may be.

I have notice a few grammar errors along the way. These are easy fixes, so I won’t point them out.

Shawn and Lewis’ characters are serious, and you develop them to well. We know what the premise, the dramatic situation, and the protagonist in the first ten pages are. These elements are very important to give us a feel of what the story is. I hope I can see what happens next in the next 90 pages.

I’m also concerned that this script is similar to a logline someone posted in the High Concept Thread. Let’s hope that the originator don’t mind having you writing this.

Everything written here are all visual. I can picture the scenes as I read them.
By the logline you wrote, I’m going to assume that this is a crime movie. The first ten pages looks like it’s crime and thriller, and not just horror.

The central conflict of the story is strong enough. We have enough sense of conflict. The goal must be to find the killer, while the subplot could be a little different.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

---
All eyes are on
us as of now, especially with the
President visiting next week. The
mayor wants to show us as a safe and
comfortable place.
---

I don't really buy this piece of info and it feels very forced. The President visits places like Afghanistan where bombings are an everyday event, don't think him or his team would be bothered by a celebrity Vamp goth's murder.

---
Her costume change has set her blonde hair askew and smeared
her makeup. She pulls the red wig off, revealing her red
hair, and with another t-shirt from the pile she wipes off
the clotted makeup.
---

You've got a few typos here mixing up her natural hair colour and the wig's. Also, why would she approache the crowd wearing the bloody t-shirt beneath her disguise and THEN take it off?!

---
JANET
Why him?! Why couldn't it be just
another bum, or hooker?
---

Seems quite forced and on the nose.

***

Lewis reminds me so much of Dutch Wagenbach from "The Shield" with his cockiness and personality conveyed through dialogs and he has a nice unique voice. Shaw is typically stereo-typed and Janet confuses me with her motives at the gate and later.

I don't think the lab-tech guys would just scurry away, but actually go over the crime scene with a fine tooth-comb, especially since this is a serial murder case now.

Essentially the premise is still a bit hit and miss to me. While the title hints at a tongue-in-cheek thriller, I don't quite see those elements and wish that you'd started with the actual murder to lend this better tone than make it seem like a buddy cop thriller, which is what it feels like now.

The bit about the president feels forced into these ten pages and that is info which can be conveyed at a dramatic moment to add impact a bit later.

I get a sense of this being rushed to meet the deadline and you chose to pick certain elements to support the logline. Wish this didn't lose me as much and was more focused on clearly stating there ARE actual vampires involved.

That would make for an instant hook and want me to read more.

The title is quite nice, gotta give you that.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The title is good and matches well with the movie, and what it's about. I liked what I read so far. Your lead characters are interesting, and I want to see how they all join forces to slay the vampires.

There are quite a few spelling and grammatical fixes. I suggest proofing your work, or better yet, have someone with fresh eyes do it. I send mine out to a grammar nazi, who helps me a lot. Just because when you are so close to the story, it's easy to miss.

I don't usually like vampire tales, but this one looks fun, with some good characters and I think there'll be a little romance also, which is alway sfun.

I hope this moves forward, I'd enjoy reading more.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Based on your logline, this is a great idea for a very unique story, but you haven't really hooked me with your first ten pages. The reason, I think, is that you haven't given us much of a taste of the most interesting part of the logline -- terrorist vampires going after the President. (There's just one mention of the President coming to town.) I know it's only the first ten pages, and you're busy establishing all the elements of your story, but you should also be drawing us in by giving us at least a glimpse of the unique and exciting stuff to come. I wasn't really drawn in. Here are a few reasons why not (in my opinion):

First: The whole opening scene is one giant cliche. The grizzled veteran detective and the rookie trying to one-up each other while assessing the crime scene. Even their dialogue is cliched. ("Shut up. This is big boy time, now.") As I read that scene I was picturing Judge Reinhold and John Ashton in "Beverly Hills Cop". They had that same type of relationship, and so have s-o-o-o many other pairs of movie detectives. A fresher approach would be more fun.

Second: You have some unnecessary scenes which serve no purpose but to slow the whole story down. The biggest example is Janet driving to a parking lot, a car follows her, and she has a little panic attack in the car. That sequence took up an entire page. It could have been a lot shorter and snappier (and more interesting).

Third: You have a lot of typos, spelling errors, and mis-used words (e.g., gambit should be gamut, brass tax = brass tacks, etc.). Those are easy fixes, and normally I wouldn't even mention them, but you have a lot, and after a while it becomes distracting.

I think you have a good story going here. But I also think you could make the first ten pages livelier and more engaging.

My score: Good.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

The original review had too many characters, so I'm going to break this down into the most important points.

The title's double pun is cringe-worthy, even if this was a comedy.

You have way too many typos. There is no way you properly proof read this.

If the blood on the steps was from a movie that was released already and therefore filmed quite a long time before seeing these steps, wouldn't the fake blood have been washed away by rain or any other environmental interference by now?

You are too much on-the-nose with Lewis in the beginning. Shaw literally says everything he has done of screen and shows his annoyance. This could be achieved simply by his exclamation, "Jesus Christ", and Lewis reacting to the exclamation.

We're introduced to Lewis as a person who acts like a tabloid when they are supposed to be a detective. Why should we care about this character? That kind of characteristic is just annoying.

How did someone like Shaw see a movie that young girls are crazy about?

"I think I can leave this out of the report." sounds flimsy. "I'll leave this out of the report." makes Shaw have more authority.

The scene where the perspective of the fans isn't necessary. It doesn't further the plot or the characters, even if a main character is there. All it does is act as exposition, which is already explained inside the crime scene.

"Woo-doggie" sound a bit forced. Focus on how Shaw's vernacular would sound and what would stand out better. Therefore, refrain from every other line from Shaw to Lewis having "kid" or "son" in it. Pick one of those words and use it sparingly but enough to trademark that word as a vernacular of this character. If that word shows up from the actor without being in the script, then it becomes even more natural than you could hope for.

Please take out the entire interaction when Shaw prides Lewis on being smart and they brag to each other about their scores on detective exams. First, detectives won't be bragging about test scores just like lawyers wouldn't be bragging about BAR exam scores. Second, all that does it takes the negative qualities of these characters and magnify them. Now the audience sees them as two narcissists who would rather brag about how intelligent they are than actually doing their proper job.

Shaw comments on how he, for who knows what reason, doesn't like lab techs. Only one line is necessary. You don't have to convince the audience after the first line that he doesn't like these guys. We know.

Shaw brags about how good he is but the only "intelligence" he brought to the table was withholding information from his partner. He didn't tell him in advance that there was A)fake blood and B)other murders. How is the audience supposed to respect his ability as a detective if all he does is withhold information and lead Lewis to make all of the conclusions? Give him something to comment on, something that wasn't already known before, so they can be seen as equals instead of him being the old guy that is delusional and thinking that not telling his partner information early on makes him intelligent.

The line about the President and the mayor is too forced, as if you are trying to heighten the stakes as much as possible. I doubt that the President would be as inclined to the going-ons of one mass murder case, considering there is literally a world of danger they would have on their plate. If anything, it's just the mayor on their backs.

The line "Seems pretty clear that she's developed some kind of grand delusion." is unnecessary because Lewis says, I'm guessing that she suffers from classic schizophrenia", immediately after.

Janet's scenes later on are good, with the exception of her saying the line, "Why him?! Why couldn't it be just another bum, or hooker?", takes away from the scene. She seems to care too much about it specifically being one person rather than her crying and anger make her emotions a lot more three-dimensional.

Less is more. I'm giving this a Poor.

Comments Made After the Contest

Derek Anderson (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2012 12:38 AM

I'm shocked this didn't move on... Good job