Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Okay, first and foremost, this was one of the loglines I liked a lot-

-But I'm gonna have to hit you with this. This is rip-the-band-aid-off-quicker-to-reduce-pain time.

You've got a LOT of work to do to get your skills up to par. On the surface, everything seems fine. You tell the story clearly. Maybe a self-published graphic novel this kind of writing would fly. But not in the movies.

It's absolutely PACKED with on the nose dialogue. Everything is perfunctory. The cadence in the way they speak is so unrealistic. There's very little subtext. Everyone says what they mean or what they feel. Apart from a few cryptic/vague responses by Derek.

And, by the way, anytime in a script a building is afforded more description that the protagonist and (presumably) love interest, a reader knows they're in trouble.

I don't know what else to say. If this is early in your screenwriting then I see potential. If you've been at this years and this is the stage you've reached then I'd say read a few more scripts. Write a few more scripts.

Learn about subtext. Learn speech patterns. Learn how to make Character's sound distinct through nuances in their language. Learn how to info dump, but by hiding exposition (because the expositional scenes here are way overly done.

Sorry. I can't give this anymore than- FAIR.

Alex Mitchell (Level 3)

Wow really sounds like you have a pretty unique and compelling story here. The writing is great and I'm slowly realizing that I might have to tune up my own if I'm going to be competing against you guys haha:P I wish I could say more and give you some critique but I've realized that the screenplays that have gone this far, have done so for a reason. Great stuff you got here chief!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Pg 1: Good opening. Jumps right into the action and pulls me in.

Pg 1: Not much white space. Long read.

Several of your paragraphs can be shortened or broken up.

Pg 4: Can you tell me more about the church that captures Derek's attention? There has to be a reason for him to be dazed.

Pg 5: Derek is aware of the case before the script starts. I feel like I'm denied a great scene. Telling him about the case is a big reveal which could trigger flashbacks.

-- Edit: Okay, I see he's only told part of the story. The reveal occurs on page 8.

Pg 8: "One witness even claimed to have heard what sounded like a bear." I recommend a quick flashback to the growl Derek heard. Something to add tension.

Pg 8: "consider the anniversary" Typo.

Your script is easy to read. Very few typos. The dialogue flows.

My only concern are the characters. Nothing stands out about Derek and Stephanie. They feel like everyday detectives. It's hard to empathize with them.

You have a strong hook. Something bizarre resides in that house and I'm guessing it's supernatural. It's a good mystery.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Very well crafted, nice opening, described very well, quite atmospheric.

Moved forward in time seamlessly and the meeting at the police station set the story up nicely.

Lots of interesting stuff going on here, the rest of the script should well be worth a read, I hope it goes through.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Things I liked:

Pretty much everything.
Lots of mystery.
Nice flow -- scenes flowed into each other flawlessly.

Thins I didn't like:

The scene involving Dennis and Stephanie was a bunch of back story, but m'eh.

Excellent stuff.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

While this could be a hugely dramatic story - it has great potential to be stunning - I feel that you have relayed the start of it in a way that makes it flat, with a lot of the backstory being passed on in contrived conversations.

The part that most bothered me was Derek's lack of emotion both when a child and an adult. It was hard to relate to him as someone who had been through such a horrendous experience when he came across as though nothing momentous had occurred.

A few notes I made as I read:

People rubbing their eyes to see better is something that I think only happens in story books!

I am rather amazed by Derek's lack of reaction to the bloodied walls etc. It could have been a dramatic opening scene but it's too lacking in credibility for me.

creaks not creeks

I felt it was very clunky saying 'It's not every day you get to investigate a murder in the house you grew up in.' On The Nose - as they say. Well, we know what it's about, for sure, but I wish it had been in a more subtle way!

Quite a lot of time in these ten pages is spent with introductions and greetings (Derek/passenger, Derek/Jimmy, Derek/Chief Goodwin, Derek/Stephanie)- it's not very exciting reading/hearing people say 'hi, pleased to meet you' etc.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is interesting. It was a quick and compelling read. Very easy to follow.

I think the story, characters, and obstacles are all in place, this just needs some fine tuning.

A few suggestions. Focus more on the visuals, less dialogue - less talking head scenes. Get into the scenes later and get out as soon as possible. This will really help with the pacing.

With a small rewrite this could be very good.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

This one has the makings of a terrific story. I think you did a good job introducing characters and getting my attention to the point where I would want to read the entire script. Some of the description felt a bit on the prose side. Also the scene with the Passenger, I think you should give me a bit more of a profile of the passenger since I had to make it up in my head as to whether it was male/female and age.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

You have a good premise. The writing needs some work. The action lines are too descriptive, the reader doesn't need every little action handed to them. We're pretty savvy and can fill in the blanks. Fragmented sentence are fine. The dialogue felt forced and had a lot of exposition and was quite on the nose. As in characters saying exactly how they feel. Lots of it we're very talking head. The scene in the detective's office should've happened at the house so we can get the info dump and a look at the house and a look at the main character's reaction to what he's seeing. The two detectives had an easy meeting, no conflict overall, so they came off flat and boring. Overall it felt like you were trying to get a lot of the story in the 10 pages. I bet you can cut this down to 5 pages without losing content.

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: Nice crisp images. A little slow (dense) reading in the first page. The story suffers from the static CHIEF GOODWIN'S OFFICE scene. That dramatic conflict (DEREK v. STEPHANIE) would have been better played out at the house. Nothing more boring than reading two characters talk about another character who's not in the room. Would have much preferred for Derek to confront Stephanie at the house. Make things difficult for the protagonist and your storyline. Easy solutions lower the dramatic tension and, thus the payoff. Other than that, looks like a decent set up for something better.

WRITING: A little to "adverb-y" for my taste, but not a deal breaker. Since the sound cues play such a pivotal role in the opening scene, you might consider putting things like "scream" and "deep growl" in CAPS. "No response" would be better served having its own line.

No response.

Derek turns the doorknob...

Usually best to always opt to format things so the eye moves down the page.

OVERALL: Well written and hit all the right beats (with the exception of the aforementioned police station scene). Lots to like and look forward to.

David M Troop (Level 4)

This was one I was looking foreward to reading. The logline and the premise really got my attention. A police drama. A house with a history of gruesome murders. What's not to like?

You start out well with the flashback/dream sequence to give us some backstory. It sets the creepy mood right away.

Not wasting any time, Derek is now 35 and a detective. Very good.
He's on his way home to help investigate another murder in the same house.

You introduce us to the other key players right away. His "partner" Stephanie brings Derek and us up to speed. More murders. A pattern. A serial killer? Or is it supernatural?

You cover the standard police stuff nicely. You give us what we need to know, so now we can sit back and enjoy the ride.

Derek has a past trauma that will come back to haunt him during the investigation.
How will he keep it together and solve the case?

Who or what are they dealing with in the house?

You even give us the possibility of the love story between the two leads.

The first ten pages are expertly crafted. Almost text book. But you give us more.
I want to walk into that house with Derek. Maybe more than he does. I want to find out what is going on. I really want to see this movie.

EXCELLENT.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Your script started off strong with the opening scene. Scary and just enough detail so that I can visualize it but not get bogged down in too much description. Well done.

But, after that, you got caught in the expository-unnessary-dialogue trap. The dialogue with the passenger on the plane is completely unnessary. And the scenes with the cops are way too long -- you should never start scenes with "Hello, this is" etc. unless it is important to the story. A rule I learned from a screenwriting seminar: Every character wants something. Their dialogue (and actions) should reflect what they want, not what you want.

This is a great story idea, and that first scene is so well written, I imagine that this could be a great screenplay. If you stick with it, I'd suggest looking at some scripts for murder mysterys to see how they play out the information you've tried to reflect in your dialogue. "Seven" is a good one that might be helpful.

Good luck!

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Very interesting storyline here, and you do a good job of peeking interest in your first 10. I'd vote to see more!

Some of the dialog is "on the nose" and the blocks of text on the first couple of pages were uninviting, but your story-telling is still very good.

Good luck!

Derek Collins (Level 4)

If a screenwriters job is to catch the readers attention within the first ten pages of a screenplay as I have read many times then I say; Job well done! I definitely want to read more. The transitions from child to teen to adult feel right, not overly done but effective. About the airplane scene... you know the "He checks his watch, stands up and reaches into his overhead bag. The PASSENGER behind Derek notices his police badge attached to his belt while he searches his bag." and "does flying bother you?" all I can say/ask is; DIE HARD fan? don't worry, me too! but be careful with that cause its on the verge of seeming a bit too familiar to say the least. I like the dialogue between Derek and Stephanie, by making Derek's lines more short and sweet and having Stephanie talk in a little more drawn out fashion you do a good job of giving the two characters their own unique voices which is something else I'm a big fan of. You have also presented Derek's challenge or character need very effectively and I really hope to be able to read the rest of your screenplay next month... Great job?

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The dialogue exchange with the passenger was kind of stock, how could it be different from other scenes with the same stranger and protagonist conversation. It didn't really show us anything about Derek than a pensiveness about his situation. That's okay actually, but it still feels stock.

Well, here's the vibe for me, is about the same as above. The concept is very unique, and original to me, (even if I'm not sure how they could sell or rent the house after a murder, let alone three.) very original and cool concept, I can see why this logline advanced. But the scenes, and dialogue, even characters all feel done too much before.

I do like where you ended, it was a good spot. I do want to see what happens next. I just want some livelier dialogue, some tension between the two main characters. Derek, and Stephanie need chemistry of some sort.

I would suggest doing some in depth character profiles if you have not. Not just Derek, what do the others want, what do they need? What are their basic traits? Do they have a secret, even if it is not shown at all, it helps develop a character. What is the character's flaw? What paradoxes does the character exhibit? Even a small physical detail can help make a character unique. If you think on your characters more than just for the "story" they will become more animate, and the dialogue and action will reflect, and shine.

Good job, but much more potential here.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are my thoughts as I’m reading through:

I have to admit, there’s something about your first paragraph that feels clunky. Maybe it’s because you don’t really describe the boy’s reaction to the scream. “He sits up” seems a little tranquil. If a non-reaction is the point you’re trying to make, I think we need a stronger hint.

“Derek enters.” That is a little too stage-directiony. I don’t think you need it.

The blood covered hallway is a very creepy visual. The splashing steps too. Nice.

Very cool transition from young Derek to teenage Derek.

Intriguing scene with the voice in the closet. Creepy. But it makes me curious to know what’s going on and that’s GREAT.

The dialogue with the Passenger is odd. (Don’t think you need to capitalize passenger after the initial introduction.) The passenger seems really nosy and…I don’t know… significant. If this is that characters only appearance, I think you may want to rewrite that scene to make the conversation a little more flippant and casual. The passenger seems almost creepy to me.

“It’s not every day someone is murdered in the house you grew up in.” Here’s the thing…that is SUCH A GREAT secret. That piece of information is the centerpiece of this script. The moment that information comes to light for us, the audience, should be a HUGE reveal. An OHHHH moment. Give us hints, drop us some breadcrumbs. Make us ask a ton of questions as to why he’s acting weird, why he had to fly here, why he’s familiar…and the answer to every question should be: Because he grew up in the murder scene. It’s such an important piece of info. Treat it like an engagement ring. Don’t just give it away…PROPOSE in a way that we have to accept.

“…this isn’t the first murder to take place in that house…” Same note as above. These are great secrets that you’re just letting the Chief blurt out. Keep the audience in the dark. We should get a chill when this is revealed.

I’ve finished now and I really like your premise. I think the key here is to remember that you are writing a MYSTERY. That means that you should be GREEDY with your information. Only dole it out when it’s absolutely necessary. It seems to me that you wrote these ten pages, not as a prelude to your story, but as a kind of trailer to get information to the reader.

Remember this: shock, disgust, awe, humor, lust…these things will keep a reader going for another page…but only CURIOSITY will keep them going for the next 90.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I think this story has legs and I look forward the reading the rest of the screenplay. My biggest concern has to do with “writing lean.” Remember, “less is usually more” and try to use VIVID words to paint a picture. Also, cut down on words that end in ING.

Here are a few examples:

Example #1 - Page 1: DEREK GREY (6) is tucked tightly in his bed, sleeping like a baby, until he's working by a woman's scream from somewhere in the house. He sits up for a better listen. The woman screams again. He climbs out of the bed and exits the room.
Consider instead: DEREK GREY (6) sleeps like a baby. A WOMAN SCREAMS somewhere in the house. Derek sits. The WOMAN SCREAMS again. Derek jumps out of bed and leaves.

Example #2 - Page 1: Derek walks slowly to the lit door, his steps splashing in the blood.
Consider instead: Derek creeps toward the door. Each step leaves a bloody footprint.

Example #3 - Page 1: Derek turns around and sees nothing but darkness inside.
Consider instead: Derek turns toward darkness.

Example #4 - Page 2: Derek turns around to the Passenger, responding with a quick smile.
Consider instead: Derek smiles at the Passenger.

Example #5 - Page 3: Derek walks out of the front entrance, carrying his luggage.
Consider instead: Derek carries his luggage out the entrance.

Example #6 - Page 4: Jimmy comes to a stop at a red light.
Consider instead: Jimmy stops at a red light.

Example #7 - Page 10: Stephanie wastes no time slipping under the tape and heading for the door.
Consider instead: Stephanie slips under the tape and heads for the door.

Example #8 - Page 10: A car pulls up and parks in front...”
Consider instead: A car parks in front...

Example #9 - Page 11: Derek is frozen, staring at the house.
Consider instead: Derek, frozen, stares at the house.

TELL ME ABOUT THE PASSENGER. On page 2, a PASSENGER is introduced in the airplane. Is this a female or male passenger? Since we are going to see this passenger lean toward Derek, it would be nice to know. Does the passenger have gray hair and wrinkles, or is it a twenty-something passenger?

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A great intro - suspenseful, threatening and a small child in peril, alone in the dark,
screams, louds noises - hits all the right notes and is very engaging from the get go.

Your character's age progression to 35 might also be visually identified by some physical marking, (a birth mark on his cheek), a piece of clothing (jewelry) or some personal mannerism?

Finally, your dialogue at times seems a bit heavy. ALWAYS shorten and economize whereever possible.

"You see this isn't the first murder to take place in the house since you moved out"
"This isn't the first murder, since you moved out"

Heart removed "using their bare hands" - say what?!

Hope some of this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

OPENING IMAGE:
Use FADE IN please. The scene needs tension. The boy is going to worry about his mommy hearing a woman scream. His footsteps are going to be slow. Stuff like that. Suggest the first sentence be written so no "is" or "like a baby" cliche is used.

PROMISE OF THE PREMISE:
The details of the logline are off a bit. The detective is requested to be on the case, there have been multiple murders, and the case already is acknowledged to be identical to his mother's murder. The log can always be adjusted. The logline does promise us a scary mystery.

GOOD.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

1&2 - Dude.... I was scared reading this thing. Don't ever do that again. haha.

"pops a few pills in his mouth" - Where else would he pop it? "pops a few pills" would do just fine.

Wow. Wow. I'm so jelous. Why can't I think of stuff like this? The dialogue, actions, everything about this was amazing. URGH!!! I can't wait to read the rest of this, because I'm sure it's moving on. If not, PLEASE send this to me.

Excellent job.

Kirk White (Level 5)

A great premise that is, unfortunately drowning in a sea of exposition…

Very nice and chilling opening! I can picture the events but as a ‘read’ it’s a little prosey and book-like. Perhaps there is a way to revise and add a little tension / pace building? I’m a fan of using sentence fragments and spacing to build rhythm and pace…so definitely speaking from PERSONAL preference here, so feel free to stick to your own style and ignore me.

The initial dialogue with the passenger leans a bit towards the utilitarian/exposition and feels labored because of it…you might want to check the opening of the original Die Hard for inspiration with type of scene…yes we need to know that he’s a cop and not of his element but it’s always more interesting to discover exposition through a character aspect instead of just getting the info.

The scenes with Jimmy and the Chief also suffer from this…overly expository…dialogue. It feels like a lot of what is being said is done so solely for the benefit of the audience and feels a bit clunky because of it…my challenge to you would be to perhaps add a bit of history with the CHARACTERS and not just the location if Derek knew the Chief…even if say (and this is the bad version off of the top of my head and is intended, NOT to tell you what to do with your story) the chief was the cop who was first on the scene to Derek’s mother’s murder…anything to give a slight connection because then we can give exposition through character…maybe the chief sees that little scared kid whenever he looks at Derek and suddenly Derek has something to prove to the Chief and bam we have some drama while we’re learning exposition.

It seemed that the Stephanie scenes also suffer this…purely utilitarian…PROCEDURAL dialogue without the human aspect.

The story seems very compelling but right now the characters are not yet rising to the occasion.

Giving a fair as I cannot recommend it in its current state but do see that it has a lot of potential

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific premise. The setup for this mystery is well done.
Might give those first suspenseful pages a quicker pace by trimming some of the description. The lengthy paragraphs have some good information, but shorter lines produce a faster read moving down the page. A terrified, frightened six-year-old is quite compelling; perhaps short, snappy lines of action would add even more emotion.
A nice amount of characters that are easy to follow. Maybe a hint or two about their personalities and unusual or interesting physical qualities would be helpful.
Dialogue needs streamlining. Lots of chit-chat is true to life, but doesn't add substantially to the purpose of each scene.
The story idea and characters are a strong start.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

My first impression here - without having read past the first page - is that this is way too wordy. It isn't the most extreme I've seen, but you can definitely dig in on the editing.

You're writing a script, not a novel. Write it as lean as you can without being cut and dried. You don't need to use grammatically perfect sentences, and you can abbreviate them in several ways. Be creative about it. Try to find a middle ground, somewhere between too wordy and too terse.

Page 5: Chief's dialogue - "...all the way back home in such..." should be "...on such..."

Derek's dialogue - "Just how many times has there been..." Replace "has" with "have." Better yet, rewrite this with a voice distinctive to Derek.

The Chief and Derek and Stephanie - even the VOICE - all speak as if they were the same person. There's only one voice in your dialogue, and it comes out of every character's mouth. The personality is formal and proper. Mix it up a little! I use the voices I've heard in my life to start my characters off, and the characters always seem to take over on their own.

The entire piece reads flat. There's no emotional range. There's no ambience. There's no heat or cold or variation. The parts that should be scary aren't. It's like reading a newspaper article by a truly unbiased reporter or an old Dragnet script... "Just the facts, ma'am."

The concept you have here is really good. The writing is NOT bad, but it is emotionless. I can honestly see this moving on to the third round. Whether it does or not, I hope you finish the script.

Good luck with this.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I can't help noticing the similarities between your introduction of Derek (the adult) and the introduction of John McClane in 'Die Hard'.

I think you can do more to differentiate the characters. Right now they all talk in the same voice, they all say exactly what they mean and feel, and we don't get a sense of who they are. There's also a lot of clichéd dialogue (I swear I've even seen a character looking out of the window and say "Something like that" before).

Certain elements of the plot (past coming back to haunt him, an outsider cop unwilling to work with a partner) are also straight out of the police thriller text-book. That's fine, but you need to put your own spin on it to make it worth reading/watching.

The title needs changing (and "increasingly haunting" in the logline is weak - what's the actual threat?).

This is a solid start, but in a mystery police procedural like this the characters need to move beyond stock stereotypes/archetypes for the story to be interesting.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Great intro. I love the dream sequence despite it being a familiar device

I get a weird, suspicous vibe from the Passenger and I can't tell if it's slightly stilted dialogue with too many questions or whether I'm supposed to think this guy is 'off'. It's very Q and A in the opening pages.

Okay, by page 6 your concept has hooked me.

This is a really strong opening, great set-up, everything in place for a compelling mystery/horror story. The only reason I don't give this excellent is because the characters feel quite familiar, as does their situation.

It#s clear that the story's in capable hands and I'd definitely keep reading.

Very Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Does it grab me - A little. The opening flashback seemed a bit stiff. The child didn't come across as scared as I imagine he would be in that situation. The story has an interesting premise, but I'm not getting as much excitement out of these first 10 pages as I expected.

Are the characters well defined, strong, and engaging - I think you can give us a bit more about Derek and Stephanie, maybe a mannerism or two. Give us something that explains a little about who they are or how we can expect them to behave later in the script.

Writing style - The pace was good. It was an easy read. It feels a bit dry though. This strikes me as a very emotional situation but Derek doesn't react that way at all. The character all seem very similar in tone as well. I can't tell them apart from their dialogue. Get more emotion and excitement into these pages.

Craft - The opening flashback and waking on the plane was ok. The rest was very easy to follow, and I didn't notice any obvious grammar or spelling issues. I think maybe a stronger opening showing Derek in the last moments of catching a bad guy in NY before heading back to his childhood home would give us a stronger idea of his character and how we can expect him to behave later in the script.

The way the multiple murders were presented to Derek felt weak to me. In fact, just the way the local police respond to him seems odd. It's as though the town has followed his career a whole world away but there doesn't seem to be a justification for that. If they enticed him to come back based solely on the similarities between the most recent murder and his mother's murder, then the introduction of the other murders that happened over the years should be a pretty dramatic revelation.


Do I want to read more - Im curious about what's happening in his childhood home. I'm not fully convinced that the story will be as exciting as it can be.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

In general I thought this was a good start. The writing itself is good. My issue with it is that the order could be different to create more drama in these first four pages.

I think a great start would be the end. Where Derek follows her into the house. Save the childhood episode for a later flashback - get us into the story right away. People have seen tons of movies like this so in order to keep interest you need to mix it up in one way or another.

Good luck with advancing to the next step.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This moves fast once you get going - you have some strange turns of phrase on the first page and write more like a novel than a screenplay but then the action and actual story kick in and the creepiness of whatever calls the kid into the cupboard really hooked me in.

The scene on the plane is almost exactly as the Die Hard plane scene without the 'fists with your toes' bit, far too similar really.

On page five you've got a lot of exposition and backstory going on in the dialogue, everything is coming out up front, you're not leaving anything for the reader to figure out or be curious about.

I think you might be moving way too fast and that it would have been better to see the main dude, Derek, in his own world first and then getting the call to adventure and showing him freaked out by the murder in his old house, and then flying there and introducing the new world and characters, you're not leaving yourself anywhere to go.

It's an ok first draft.

Moldovan Alexandru (Level 3)

Ohhh nice,I've always liked detective tales and hard cases to solve and murders and mystery and all that.

So far,so good I could say,nice writing and descriptions,hope you'll be able to put your whole script.

Best of luck!

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Great opening. Creepy. Feel for Derek. I'm really curious who was in that closet.

I don't think the scene Derek on airplane is necessary to the story, unless he'll meet this passenger later on and he'll be a valuable piece to the puzzle.
I think you can tighten your dialog, for example, p.9 -
CHIEF GOODWIN
Detective Grey, I’d like you to meet Detective Allen.
The detectives shake hands.
DEREK
It’s nice to meet you.
STEPHANIE
Likewise. Call me Stephanie. Sorry if I kept you waiting.
DEREK
Not at all.
STEPHANIE
Well, let’s get started. I’m sure
you have a lot of questions.

Why say all these, when she can just enter and say "Well, let’s get started. I’m sure you have a lot of questions"

p.8 - here we go, some interesting story starts! Juicy.

I really like this story, it pulled me in. My impression: the opening is great and strong with visuals, then it slowed down with Derek going through the airport/car/police office, then it picked up again when Steph arrives. The inciting incident - Derek enters his old house.
The idea is interesting, I'm completely intrigued by these murders. My only question if he himself was a witness to his mother's murder, he saw the scene, maybe heard something, he even climbed into the closet, obviously he interacted with IT, but now he's a grown up man and it's like a mystery for him what happened at the house. Doesn't his own experience hints him on who killed this woman, especially when they say her daughter is a SUSPECT, though she just like him had blood on her feet, etc. Makes me wonder was he a suspect in his mother murder too?

Pete Barry (Level 5)

As a concept this whole thing is very intriguing. Derek's return to his childhood home to solve what appears to be a supernatural series of murders is a great hook. And whatever that growling thing in the darkness is, I can see that being a terrifying presense on the screen.

That words on the page (and, in fact, in the logline) don't really support the terror of the story. Even the first lines are packed into a solid, unactive paragraph, starting with a nearly run-on sentence that mixes "sleeping like a baby" and "woman's scream". The descriptions of Derek's actions don't suggest terror, or anything other than detached curiousity. You may SAY he's scared, but the action blocks don't capture that sense of terror. On top of that, he keeps it together pretty well for a kid who is effectively wading through blood.

When adult Derek gets to the city, we're met with five pages of talk. I understand this is important information, but at this point, the other characters exist only to tell Derek things. They are overly deferential ("I know you don't want a partner, sorry" and "call me Stephanie") and no conflict really builds between them. It's also hard to believe they flew him all the way out here without explaining the whole case to him. The entire scene seems constructed more for the audience's needs instead of based of the reality of the characters.

You've got a decent hook in this story; approach it as the characters would - find their conflicts, their wants, and their terrors.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ll make notes as I go:

Pg 1 - No “FADE IN:”?

Some of these paragraphs could be broken up to make the first page look more inviting.

The first page has effective, simple tension.

Pg 2 - Somehow, I just knew the opening was a teaser.

Pg 4 - “This place hasn’t changed a bit.” - Did I miss something that says where they are?

Pg 6 - Between the “return to the home town” and the “tough cop assigned a new young partner” you are making good use of some well-established story devices.

Pg 7 - Derek and Stephanie’s meeting is polite and amiable, but perhaps they should have some conflict.

Pg 8 - Her explanation feels like flat exposition. I’d suggest getting them doing something, or making it so that he has to force this info out of her.

Pg 9 - I’m not seeing why they would want someone who’s personally involved in the case to come and work on it.

Pg 10 - It’s a good clean set up, with a solid mystery and good potential for scares in the house.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Tighten the logline. A homicide detective investigates a brutal murder that resembles the unsolved murder of his own mother. The hook: murder is similar to his personal past. Who? Homicide detective and possible serial killer. Try to keep it one sentence and synthesize to the hook. The current logline has too much unnecessary noise.

Not a big fan of opening with someone waking up. I've read somewhere that this has been done slowly to death. How about starting with an establishing scene of nice, quiet suburban house? Then BAM, have an O.S. scream. Then cut to the kid walking around.

INT. TEENAGER'S BEDROOM - just call it CARLA'S BEDROOM. Describe and intro Carla.

I think you ought to start with the murder in the current day. As is, your characters are telling us what happened. Maybe start with a POV of the current day killer committing the murder. As is, you start with a dream and then a flight and then the police precinct. Nothing else much happens.

Get to the good stuff quick - blood, mystery, very mean bad guys. Set the tone early.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The opening scene is very suspenseful. This is a page turnover for me. You got me hooked for a while, and I look forward in seeing what is going on.

Some of your writing contains gerunds, which are passive writing. You can eliminate those and use stronger verbs to make the writing stronger.

We know that Derek is the protagonist of the screenplay, and he is now the homicide detective on the next page.

The dialogue looks natural and it isn’t silted at all.

Unfortunately, I feel that the dialogue is exposition. I believe that you could write the dialogue in description and use more visual medium than just telling was what Detective Derek and the other characters are assigned to do.

On page nine, Stephanie’s dialogue, “And a they share a few witnesses…” has an extra “a” in it. I’m sure it’s just a mistake.

The cliffhanger where they enter the house is good. I just don’t think this story has enough story in the opening page. On the other hand, we know who the protagonist is, the antagonist, the inciting incident, and the dramatic situation. All of these elements to me make up the first ten pages. I would rate this as Very Good, but I can’t rate any higher because it has so much dialogue that tells us what the story is rather than showing it. I think a few flashbacks at the beginning would do better, where you could have a few voice over dialogue that tells us what is going on.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

---
JIMMY
I’m Officer Lowden.
DEREK
How are you?
JIMMY
I’m good. Let me take those.
---

Can't say I'm a big fan of formal dialogs in a script. You can be more creative than these.

---
INT. POLICE PRECINCT - DAY
Jimmy opens the door and follows Derek inside.
JIMMY
The Chief is right back here.
Follow me.
---

You don't need this scene. It doesn't really add anything to plot or character.

---
CHIEF GOODWIN
Detective Grey, it’s a pleasure.
How was the flight?
DEREK
I can’t complain.
CHIEF GOODWIN
Good. Please, have a seat.
---

Again with the formalities.

***

You have a great opening, one of the best in these 24 scripts. But then nothing happens for a long time, except a few establishing scenes.

The whole talk about the murders, from the Chief and then Allen is very on the nose exposition. They are giving out plot information and frankly I'm a bit disconnected by the lack of any action.

If we are going to see this get gory then you might as well have your opening scene pan out a bit more.

Or,

Have this recent murder be investigated and get Derek immediately to the crime scene, and remember the opening scene in flashback.

As things stand right now, I find the lack of action quite slow paced and the dialogs too heavy in direct exposition.

This needs a bit more trimming and some quicker pace to match the tone and quality of the first scene.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like the premise of the film. The story is interesting. I liked the opening scenes. They got the adrenaline pumping. What I think pulls me out is when Derek gets into the offices. then things start to get expositional. The dialog between Derek and Stephanie needs to be trimmed, it just sort of doesn't read right. I think trimming it would help.

Try to only say what is absolutely necessary to get the information out there. Might work if Derek and Stephanie just didn't hit it off right away. Derek could be even more firm that he doesn't want a partner, when he sees her. Maybe he's a sexist pig.Just amp this scene up to a higher level. Conflict is a good thing.

You have a strong concept here. INterested in reading further.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a great idea for a story, and it has a lot of potential to be an eerie, creepy murder mystery. But I really think you need to pick up the pace a little. I think the main problem is the dialogue. First of all, there's way too much of it. Aside from the opening scene (which is terrific, by the way), it's all talking. And a lot of the dialogue is on-the-nose, i.e., it's there to provide information to us readers (and movie viewers), so it sounds unnatural coming from your characters. For example, on Page 5, Derek says, "But I’ve taken a considerable interest in the case. It’s not every day someone is murdered in the house you grew up in." Very true, but he didn't need to tell Chief Goodwin that. It was only there for our (the viewers') benefit.

And a lot of the dialogue is just plain unnecessary. Some examples: the conversation on the airplane about "it does help to have a cop on board" goes on too long. Sure, people really have conversations like that on airplanes, but movies aren't about real people -- we can see that stuff for ourselves. Movies should be faster paced and more interesting. Another example: the exchange when Officer Lowden meets Derek at the airport. "How are you?" "I'm good. Let me take those." Totally unnecessary. In fact, the whole meeting scene at the airport is unnecessary. (And that includes the car ride to the precinct.) Just get Derek into the story as quickly as possible. One final example (then I'll quit): a lot of the chit-chat between Derek and Chief Goodwin is unnecessary. No need for the hi-how-are-ya's. It's dull stuff. And try to trim out things like this: "Just how many times has there been a murder in that house?" "Detective Allen will brief you on those details. But I can tell you that it’s more than once." Why the heck doesn't he just tell him the answer? Three. Why the mystery?

Anyway, I think you have a great concept here, and I really loved the opening scene. But I think you have some trimming to do in your first ten pages, primarily the dialogue.

My score: Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2012 12:41 AM

Send this to me, Geoff. Now! Haha. I want to read it. I have no idea why this didn't move on. I'll have to read the comments.