Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

This one gave me pause.

Because I felt the initial logline was cliched and generic. Yes, it has a twist on the idea. But it's still-

Santa takes a holiday
Cupid is killed in an archery contest mishap
Tooth Fairy moves to England and dies of exhaustion (British tooth stereotype jibe there)

And so on. And so on. Taking fabled mythological characters and having someone have to step into their shoes. Or anthropomorphisizing mystical characters. Pratchett did it best with Death. No-one else has even ever come close.

So I'm reading this with Pratchett in mind. Can't help it. And that puts you in very big shoes to fill.

...But this is good. I mean it's excellently written. The dialogue is right on the money. It's a nice set-up. You get reaping in there early. Establish your universe. Outline the rules (the catch). I like the characters. I really wouldn't change anything.

And when I wouldn't change anything.... EXCELLENT

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Your craft is excellence. Dialogue, visuals. Simple and to the point. No space wasted my favorite style of writing. But I'll to address a few issues

spelling:
"Maybe I worry to much?" too it might the only mistake. But those mistakes on the first 10 will cost you severely as a writer.

Exposition:
Your ten pages is pretty much a dialogue between two reapers who try to introduce us to their world and their rules. It's a bad choice to start your script with. I loved the opening when Zach failed in the simulation. But it's down hill from that point on. Avoid too much exposition. Give us information in small chunks.

Scene conflict and goal:
I can't find those after the opening. We were just following those characters around while one of them was doing his job. Give them a tiny goal. Make a conflict, don't just let them get it.

I think you have a very interesting plot. But your representation for it wasn't as I hoped for.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Pg 1: Your opening paragraph is a bit long. You could omit the last sentence and still sell the beauty of the day.

Pg 2: The voice over scene runs a bit long. It distracts from the activity on the patio. It could be it's own scene after the botched reaping takes place.

Pg 3: "and he goes into a meditative state." Can you describe this meditative state? Is he chanting or taking deep breaths?

Pg 4: Spell out numbers spoken in dialogue.

Pg 5: "Knowing all is well, everyone shares a laugh." A man nearly dies and people laugh? I find that unlikely.

Pg 5: I think this a great point to start your voice over with Hamon and then cut to the exposition and back story during the deli scene. The simulator is a great reveal as long as you don't have the previous voice overs to clue people in.

Pg 6: The "CUT TO:" is unnecessary.

Pg 8: "The young black man starts laughing". This can be written as "The young black man laughs."

I like your tone, Zachery, and Hamon, but your pace slows. By the end of page 10, Zachery still hasn't passed his test. He needs to become a reaper so that he can botch his first reaping by page 12-15. I suggest cutting out the airport scene as it involves numerous extras and an airport location.

I also don't understand the roles reapers play. Zachery caused his umbrella to take flight. Do they kill their victims, or just clean up the mess?

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Before I open the script, I must say I like the idea of this.

Having read it, I still like the idea but I felt your execution somewhat let it down. There were many technical errors in your work which made it hard to concentrate on what might have been a very good story!

Here are the notes I made as I read:

Criminy...you nearly gave me heart failure with the title page...

You need to capitalise characters when they first appear even if not speaking roles.

Your action passages are too long...

What is this two? I think you mean...What is this? Two?

YOUR timing not you're...you're means YOU ARE

Encrusted not incrusted

Why have you capitalised BREEZE? SHOULDER BAG? UMBRELLA? It seems pretty random to me and takes me right out of the story.

I'm finding it very confusing to deal with Hamon without having any explanation about who he is.

I like the visuals of the umbrellas flying in the wind!

ITS not it's...it's means IT IS

You really need not put CUT TO at the end of scenes. It's obvious we cut when you change scene headings.

Look so easily? Easy?

(beat) in dialogue is not really favoured...

Breathe not breath

Too much, not to much

Pleas fall or plea falls

WHOSE God not Who's...which means WHO IS

You TELL us Zachery feels empathy. How could we know this? the same applies to 'a normal human would have crossed the road' - you need to SHOW, not tell.

How can the bugs mock Bly?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

First, I have to say that I love this logline and I'm really looking forward to reading your first ten pages. Now, on to the pages...

I see what you're trying to do here, but honestly, it all still feels a bit rough around the edges - like it was written quickly. It was all a little hard to follow and the tone of it all was a bit soft. It wasn't particularly dark or funny. Make a strong choice and go with it.

You have some cool visuals, but you also need to let us care about this character before he almost dies. If we're not invested in him, or his reaper, then whatever happens to them will not impact us.

Also, not a big deal, but there were several typos and formatting errors.

I think this story has a ton of potential and I wish you the best of luck with your rewrite.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

I found this a little overwritten. The action descriptions were a bit long. It was good but what I'm struggling with is you took 10 pages to introduce your main character, the world and that he doesn't like his job. That's a lot. I challenge you to do the same in 3 pages.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Logline. He has to RECREATE? meaning one of them is already dead-- WHAT?

The First Ten. None of that happens as you say-- it was a PRACTICE, it didn't even count; and whatever happens next (I don't know what Bly has to do with the story) is taking the plot away from the logline.

Characters. They are too functional. Need personality-- write more direction on how they react to each other and how they carry themselves.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

I really like the concept for this one, the idea of death being run from some kind of secret department. Great imagination on that one. I'm left a little unsure how this will unfold in a full length script. Is it all about Hamon convincing Zachary that he needs to kill people...? All in all, promises fun.

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: I thought this one showed a little imagination. Using the "angel of death" as your protagonist instead of a "guardian angel." Good job giving ZACHERY a "save the cat" moment by not doing his job and revealing him being conflicted about it. Going forward, this is your biggest challenge. Having an unsympathetic protagonist. You'll have to keep the audience on his side while still making it believable. Not using too many cliched characters will be a challenge, as well. Every choice Zachery makes should be difficult and dramatic, otherwise the story will come off as boring and thin.

WRITING: Here's where I was left feeling a little disappointed. There were just too many instances where things were done unconventionally. Any producer/agent/manager who reads it is going to have all the sirens going off in his/her head screaming "not ready for prime time." Starting off with a bloated 5 line paragraph. Too wordy. Either drop the first sentence, or the last, because they both say essentially the same thing. Then the formatting issues. "Voice-over" character parentheticals should always follow the character's name and be on the same line. Not sure why this happened, but it should be an easy fix. Another would be underlining a character's name. That's a first for me. Also, try to keep your description/action/direction lines simple. Brevity is always the best approach. For instance, on page 7 you say, "They young black man continues with his course as HAMON and ZACHERY cross the street." Simpler (and just as effective) would be: The young black man continues as Hamon and Zachery cross the street. We don't need to know if he's still "on course" because the important thing is that he "continues." Same goes for "Zachery nods his head." All that's needed is: Zachery nods. We'll assume he's nodding his head.

OVERALL: While demonstrating a decent grasp of storytelling, the numerous formatting and "style" errors distracted me from the read and ultimately kept it from landing in my top 10.

David M Troop (Level 4)

page 1
HAMON
(V.O.)
I think you're being to (too) hard on yourself.
HAMON
(V.O.)
Was you're (your) timing off?
page 2
Your action lines seem loose and laid-back, not rigid. I like that. However, keep the action in the Simple Present Tense.
page 3
I don't think you need the CUT TO:
page 4
The wind continues to blow harder and harder until the one (umbrella) left open by Zachery takes off.
With it's (its) pointed end glistening in the sun,
Zachery can't watch. (as he closes his eyes.)
page 5
I liked how you reveal Zachery was in a simulator. Also, demoting him from Agent to Recruit. Nice.
page 6
His question is meet (met) with silence.
I liked Hamon's gold madallion.
Don't need the CUT TO:
page 7
ZACHERY
I just don't see how you make it look so easily? (easy)
HAMON
(looking at the man) Do what? (What's that?)
YOUNG BLACK MAN
I'm cool man. Just watch where you (you're)
going next time.
page 8
ZACHERY
Maybe I worry to (too) much?
I like how you have the recently deceased follow Hamon and Zachery everywhere.
page 9
Her pleas falls (fall) on deaf ears.
The young woman lies motionless on the ground. Hamon pokes at her with a stick. (maybe his foot)
The sun is setting (sets) as another day draws to a close.
Hamon walks off as Zachery turns to face the worried crowd. (have Hamon dissapear instead)
page 10
We meet Bly the protagonist.

Nice start.
I liked the simulator. Maybe give it a cool name.
Zachery is a sympatheic reaper. Good.
Bly is a loveable, loser type. Good.
Not sure if Hamon is the antagonist. Zachery seems too nice to be.
Funny dialogue.
Would love to see Bly as a Woody Allen type.

GOOD start.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

You've set up your characters nicely - I get a feel for who they are. Very good introduction of Bly at the end. I am curious to see the interaction between these two, and to see how your logline plays out, so this is a successful piece. You hooked me.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

On the first page, a man (or something) named Hamon begins speaking but he was never introduced. I have no idea who he is.

Also, in the 2nd paragraph, you end back to back sentences with "his work"... reads kinda clunky. I'd trim those first two paragraphs to get more white space in there.

The dialog between Zach and Hamon doesn't make any sense to me. Something cryptic I'm guessing?

Also Hamon's name is underlined on page 3.

Thoughts...
I like this idea because it's unique and interesting. However, the first 10 really only served to introduce us to the characters. Nothing really happened. Nothing begs me to read further, other than an interesting logline. This one is a toss up for me.

Good luck!

Derek Collins (Level 4)

I'm a big fan of the Reaper series so I like the story here, with that in mind it does bear a striking resemblance to the show. My biggest concern with the script is the fact that you put little bits of extra information in your scene headings instead of actually writing how they would translate on screen, your not writing a novel here so you need to think and write visually things like "a good day to be alive" and "a normal human would have crossed the road" sound nice but are not visual descriptions which is what your scene headings are supposed to consist of. I start having big questions once Hamon takes out the black guy... The way I am reading it this guys ghost just follows the pair around for the rest of the day before that evening when it finally dawns on him to ask whats up? The same for the rest of the people there at the end and what about the boarding gate scene, if none of these people know they are dead why are they standing in line to board this plane? and where is this plane going anyways? I thought it was a plane to the afterlife which I liked the idea of since I hadn't seen that one since the Albert Brooks movie Defending Your Life, but then they are all on earth in the next scene... its just confusing. Also, was the young girl choking on the hot dog a reap? The last three pages just feel rushed or something almost out of order even, it really screws up the flow which you had developed nicely in the begining. Don't get me wrong I really like the story I just think it needs some more clarification when it comes to some of the finer details.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

First time seeing this logline, haha what a premise! Very unique, very original. I hope the script delivers.

Unfortunately, much of this script is prose, you cannot in the action lines, put how a person feels. For example: The last line resonating with Zachery as Jaime resumes cleaning up the mess. You have to show this resonance somehow. Another example: Zachery feels a great sense of empathy for them. You have to show this. Plus, I think this is where you should have ended the ten pages, Bly walking across the street isn't much of a cliff hanger. I would have liked to see more dialogue from the freshly dead - there's a lot of comedy to harvest with this concept and you've barely scratched the surface.

You need to capitalize characters when first introduced, and you have dialogue from unintroduced characters. Screenwriting is visual, everything you write you must be able to see, or show through dialogue.

Still love the story, brush up on the screenwriting nuts and bolts, rules and such. I really enjoyed this story and even with some minus marks for the aforementioned, you still get a very good. Yeah, I really like this story.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

On a whole, a very enjoyable read that is clever, funny and engaging.

Here's my best criticism:
-Tone down your title page using ordinary sized capital letters. It's the content of your screenplay that's going to sell your movie idea, not the bells and whistles of your title page.

EXT. OUTDOOR PATIO - (LUNCH?) (DAY)

Overall just a bit wordy and overly detailed.
ex. "pleated" khakis. Is pleated necessary? What does this add to your character?

"He stops for a brief moment to take a sip of his beer before resuming his work."
He sips his beer before resuming work.

Otherwise, an intelligently written script that deserves a Very Good.
Hope this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

OPENING IMAGE:
The opening line of dialogue in VO is a debatable choice. "...I'm not cut out be a reaper" is telling us rather than showing us. Good contrast between the beautiful day and the darkness of reaping.

PROMISE OF THE PREMISE:
The botched reaping is underdone esp if it endangers the universe. Consider renaming Jaime to Jim or James. "Recreating his death" is hazy to me. Do you plan on recreating his death scene?

GOOD.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

This logline is very clever. I swear I don't remember it, but I can't wait to start reading it. Here we go!

It's hard to read your title. It may be a little too small.

Waitresses? You said this was an outdoor patio, not a restaurant. Be specific in your slug. I thought you meant a house.

Okay, it appears that you are new to screenwriting. I'll try and help you out as much as I can.

"look for any excuse to be outside" " days when it's good to be alive" - you are telling us the same thing. (it's a great day) Cut one of them.

Business professional would be in a suit, not khaki pants and a polo shirt. That's business casual.

1- "Also" - You don't need that. You can just tell us Zach is watching the guy.

"I think you're being TOO hard on yourself"

Who is Hamon? Where is this voice coming from?

"Zachary looks at his watch. A watch that..." you don't need to repeat "A watch" again. IT just takes up more space.

Okay, I can see that you overwrite. It's a problem with beginner writers. Cut back. Tell us the essentials. I won't comment on it anymore. Just learn that "less is more"

Just so much overwritting, it's hard for me not to comment. "The previous waitress" There's no need to put that. Why not just call her Waitress 1.

No need for "CUT TO"

You accidentally underlined Hamon's name.

"his question is MET with silence.

"the only difference between the two" - So are they twins or are they wearing the same thing?

Why did the guy HAVE to be black? His role was so insignificant, there was no reason to specify his race. So when you say a young woman, is she automatically white? Why isn't she a young WHITE woman? Leave race out of your screenplays unless they HAVE to be that specific race.

Where did he get the stick in an airport?

You should have ended the story with your protagonist, not some man that we just met.

Keep writing. It's the only way you'll get better.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Concept: Overall, a very interesting story and concept. Zachery is kinda of warped version of Clarice in "It's a Wonderful Life." It will be interesting to see the backstory behind Zachery and to develop the conflict of his situation beyond the first ten pages.

Technical stuff: Lots of little spelling mistakes and bad formatting. I don't like to bring this stuff up but the MP crowd is really tough on such things (not to mention the real world.) So a few minor details since that's where the devil is at.

1) A single hyphen only, not two. Example: (EXT. PARK - DAY)
2) Don't require all the "CUT-TOs"
3) The MP crowd loathes voice overs. (I don't mind them too much personally.)
4) A little confusion about INSERT -- GOLD CARD on the first page. A bit confusing.
5) Hamon was underlined a few times and shouldn't be.

In any case, good luck with the rest of the story and happy writing.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific visual quality in this other-wordly premise. Description is unusual and colorful. Particularly fond of the variety of locations. Places like an outdoor patio, deli, a street with scaffolding, airport boarding area, and park are so much more interesting than plain rooms, streets or buildings.
Contrast is good between Zachery, with an "h," and Hamon. Might introduce Hamon right away instead of using his voice in voiceover. Confused by the actions of Bly Morgan. Not clear what occurs at the crosswalk. "the light changes to a big white man"? Then, "Bly resumes his course"? Wasn't he waiting patiently at the crosswalk? Perhaps the mystery is cleared up in the second act.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Tone down the title page. You're screaming, and you don't need to. The title is good and the concept is interesting. Use normal type and font here.

LUNCH is not a specific time of day. I know this because I grew up in Minneapolis where "lunch" was the noon meal, and then I married a country boy and ended up in the deep north woods where "lunch" is what you serve someone who drops in for a short social visit after BREAKFAST and before SUPPER. That covers nine am to five pm.

You should trim down the words. There are a lot of them. Write lean and tight, but don't get overly terse. White space is good. It invites the reader into the page without intimidating them, and you are writing for readers at this point.

Limit action segments to four lines. You aren't writing a novel. This is a script, and that means visual and audio. Tell the reader what they are seeing and hearing every moment. Again, that means fewer words, carefully chosen. You don't need to write each sentence out so that it's grammatically correct. You can abbreviate them so they read as rapid images.

I feel bad harping about this, but it's important...

I haven't reached the bottom of page one yet, and I'm being overwhelmed with words instead of visuals. Write individual shots. Write what is on the big screen at the moment you write it. Prose has its place, but it's not working for you here. Not with me, at least. You have a minimum of ninety pages to write this feature. If you write seventy minutes of movie in that time, you'll be in trouble. Likewise, if you spend one hundred twenty pages on a ninety minute movie, readers will NOT like it.

In Hamon's first dialogue you used "to" instead of "too." You might try using the FIND feature of your writing program to locate each use of "to," "too," and "two," the various "there" spellings, It's/its, etc.

When a character's dialogue is a V.O. or an O.S., or any of the other choices here, it should be indicated next to their name, as in "HAMEN (V.O.)" If there is an indent on the next line, it should indicate something about the tone of voice/emotion, or who exactly is being spoken to. "(Re: papers)" doesn't fit into either category. When you write that something spills all over a character's papers and then have them say, "Oh, shit," the reader gets it.

When you're using V.O.s, something visual has to be going on at the same time. The screen isn't going to be black here. Someone, probably Jaime, is going to be doing something while these reapers talk.

When the waitress brings Jaime the bill, she's the WAITRESS. Introduce her as more than a body walking through your story. She speaks. She interacts with another character... The main character, in fact.

You use "meet" instead of "met" on the top of page six.

On page seven Zach says "There were kids there..." Were there? I went back and gave the opening a cursory check and I didn't find any children mentioned. Zach's reason for not reaping Jaime is the children, and they'd better be mentioned... When you're referring back to something or someone in a previous scene, it had better logically fit.

Page eight: "Breathe" is spelled with an "e" at the end. "Breath" was not the word to use here. And you used "to" instead of "too" again.

Introduce Bly... It's BLY the first time.

You misplace commas a lot through this... Google punctuation when you aren't sure.

You've got seven or eight minutes of movie here. You waste valuable space on lengthy descriptions, inappropriate formatting, and useless camera directions.

If you make it to round three, you're going to need to pare this down dramatically, do a better job of proofreading for spelling and punctuating, and put more into the story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really like the elaborate deaths, it's like seeing the 'Final Destination' films from the other point of view.

The '(V.O.0' should be on the line after the character name.

Page 1: "to hard" should be "too hard" and "you're timing" should be "your timing". Page 4: "it's pointed end" should be "its pointed end".

You can streamline your action a bit. For example, at the start: "He stops for a brief moment to take a sip of his beer before resuming his work" can be reduced to "He stops to sip his beer before resuming." Another example of that kind of redundancy: "Jaime wants to run but his body's frozen -- he's powerless, he's a dead man." You're telling us the same thing in three slightly different ways.

Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

My first thoughts are that this is too repetitive in the beginning.

There are some spelling and grammar mistakes.

I think you'll get a lot of comments about keeping your verbs in the present tense.

I'd like to see Zachery more pro-active. If he's to be the protagonist, he shouldn't be as passive. Is there a way to make the "golden dust cloud" a more menacing signal that something bad is about to happen? That gimmick reminds me of the fairy dust from Tinkerbell.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

What I liked: The logline. Interesting idea. A few of your narrative descriptions are visually appealing.

A lot of work needed however. First suggestion. Dave Trottier's -- The Screenwriter's Bible. Read it, use it, love it. Will give you a proper format guide.

SLUGLINES - DAY or NIGHT or LATER, one -, not 2 --, NO morning, lunch, noon, etc.

Make the narrative present tense whenever possible and in the active verb. Unless it's crucial to the timing of the scene, searches, pours, passes. Putting the 'ing' on a verb makes it passive.

You can make your script flow better by using secondary sluglines to highlight what's on a card, computer screen, or sign -- instead of using the INSERT and BACK TO SCENE language -- even if it's technically correct formatting. To me it reads very clunky.

V.O. is put to the right of the name, not as a wryly.

HAMON needs to be introduced in some manner sooner than page 6.

page 1, first narrative needs to be tightened up. You put the scene as on a PATIO but then mention waitresses in a kitchen. Those are 2 different locations. We don't need to know about 'an easy going and festive atmosphere when it feels good to be alive' to understand the scene. Beautiful spring day was enough.

The first 10 pages seem to wander in it's direction. I'm not sure yet what the junior grim's problem and motivation is that will fill another 80 pages.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

This seems like a pretty good start for a script. I thought you caught a nice opening image and the protagonist was obvious as was his goal.

My issue with this is that the inept reaper has been overdone. I'm not certain that what you have here is different enough from the crowd.

Nice start however and good luck with advancing to the next round.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

You've got an interesting concept here and I really warmed to Zachary with H.

My major problem is that I don't know how this is going to be sustained as a full-length script.

You've raised the central question - will Zach learn to reap properly - but the thing is, I don't think we want him to so I'm not sure how the story is going to work.

I thoroughly enjoyed the opening scene with Zach failing in the simulator but on page 6 I found my attention really wandering and I seriously struggled to keep bringing it back to the script. nothing really happened from page 6 until you introduced Bly, who seems interesting.

All we have learnt in ten pages is that Zach doesn't like reaping and isn't very good at it and that Hamon does and is. That's not a huge amount to have conveyed in ten pages.

The pace is flagging already, not a great sign this early on and I'm not really hooked enough to want to read more which is a shame because you write well, the story just isn't moving fast enough for me.

grammar typo you're/your

Moldovan Alexandru (Level 3)

Quite interesting work.I personally don't like the idea but this is well-written and I can feel the work you've put into it.

I'm curious to see the rest maybe the development of the story will surprise me as the punch lines and twists start to emerge.

Best of luck!

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The abbreviation "V.O." should be next to the name, not under.
Who is Hamon? He was never introduced. I understand, you use just his voice, maybe indicate what kind of voice (old, cracked, low, etc.)
p.3, 4 - in the scene headings you need to indicate "day".
p.6 - met, not meet.
I don't think POV is necessary, you can easily avoid it.
I thought Hamon is a mentor of some sort, expected him to be a little older.
CUT TO's should be used sparingly, you use them after almost every scene.
I noticed that all your characters are 30 or so. Is this a coincidence?

You have a great story, very intriguing, can't wait to see where is it going. You have good storytelling skills, but the formatting is not quite to the standards, so I'd recommend to buy a screenwriting book and go over everything, don't read shooting scripts, they'll just confuse you.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I empathize with Zachery, although only to a certain extent - I know it's meant to be funny, but it's hard to swallow that he can't even perform in a simulation. Maybe he should be out on a "training run" where Hamon can clean up his mess. Hamon works as a sociopathic reaper - you don't really feel animosity towards him, as he's just a higher being doing his job, but still, he's basically a demon, seeing us as bugs.

There are myriad spelling and grammar errors throughout (basic ones like "to" vs. "too"), and they have to be cleaned up, or these pages comes across as sloppy. The sentences often are missing commas and question marks at appropriate places, and rather than feeling "natural" it just seems amateurish.

Sometimes background characters get confusing: it's funny that the black guy, having just died, is already jumping on the insulting Zachery bandwagon, but we assume it's because he knows what's happened to him, and effectively shuffled off the mortal coil. Later, he acts like he doesn't know what's going on. The YOUNG WOMAN and COLLEGE GIRL aren't really intro'd in the action blocks, so it took me a moment to realize they were two people, which effetively ruined College Girl's (good) joke. The umbrella death scene is interesting but a little too over-the-top - can a strong wind really blow an umbrella thorugh a man?

This is a lot of criticism, but it can be fixed, and make for an interesting and thoughtful comedy.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ll make notes as I go:

Pg 1 - I get the tone setting thing, but for me the first paragraph is descriptive overkill.

“(V.O.)” - These go after the character name.

Pg 3 - The situation has a good intrigue about it.

“HAMON” - Why underlined?

I just noticed that this seems to be a tight page format.

Pg 5 - “EXT.OUTDOOR PATIO” - Do you need this heading?

The reveal on this page works okay. For me it feels like the scene that has taken the first 4.5 pages could have been done in quite a bit less space.

Pg 9 - The sequence of deaths is handle lightly which seems to work against the idea that Zachery is having so much trouble.

This story is working okay and has got straight down to what it’s meant to be about. For me though, the slow read and the slowish pace of what has happened meant that I struggled to get excited about it.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

(V.O.) should be right after the character name.

Hamon's name underlined, but it's not necessary.

Some of the descriptions can be further tightened.

I like the suspense/action of the umbrella, but it makes me wonder why the guy would just sit there for 10 seconds watching that umbrella. Even I would have ran like the rest of the people. It's just a simulation, but still would think a reasonable person would run and not even look up.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

In the opening scene, you are telling it rather than showing it. I would recommend showing us the beautiful spring. You can show us that wind blows against tree leaves and show a thermometer. There are other instances where you are telling it rather than showing it. I also found a few grammar errors. Those are easy fixes though. The Voice Over does not go inside parenthetical. It is used next to the character’s name instead.

I see that Zachary is the protagonist. The voice over is a bit confusing. Are they hearing each other through each other’s minds?

Although you are telling rather than showing it, this story is compelling enough to make me want to read the rest. It is original, the premise is strong, the dialogue is lean and clean, and the action lines are strong.

The character development is rounded, and everything else looks fine from a standpoint.

On the top of page ten, the paragraph, “A sense of disbelief and worry resonates through the crowd. Various questions arise such as: what will happen to me, where do we go now, who's God are we going to meet?” is telling. I think “People from the crowd question themselves, others, and some of them scowl,” would be showing, I think. It’s not the best example, but I hope you get what I’m saying. With that said, this would have been an Excellent if the description was visually told.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I tell you what, the quirkiness of the characters and your execution of the premise is quite refreshing though the premise itself feels a bit dated.

We've seen many films about rookie angels, rookie death, Death on vacation etc. and I want there to be something new to set this apart in that regard.

What is a big letdown however is your use of poetic phrasing and sometimes unneeded description. You'll get many comments related to this from the others too and I must say, that if it bothers me in the ten pages, I'm quite daunted by the prospect of such descriptions for the full feature.

What also happens is that in making your descriptions colorful you sometimes leave out must-haves that left me confused. An outdoor patio doesn't necessarily mean that of a restaurant, does it? I didn't get that, at all. I wondered what waitresses were doing on a patio.

And, when you mention all the other dialogs of protest said by the dead extras in your descriptions, technically those all need to be written/formatted as dialogs.

So, even when you mention something like, "Humans everywhere." I'm really confused, because we've been watching humans, haven't we? Even if Zachary and Hamon are grim reapers, don't they LOOK human?

And how could there be only one difference between the two, when you've described them quite differently?

English might not be your first language, I get that. And it should never hold you back from writing. But at the same time, you should try and go out of your way to ensure that it is proof-read by someone who has command over the language and its nuances, to help polish this.

Because a feature length is challenging to read and all those typos, phrases and errors make me really apprehensive.

This has some great comic potential but needs some precise application to work out those kinks. Finish the feature, if you haven't yet. Then have it proofed. It has potential, but not in its current state.

All the best!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Interesting logline and title. I don't know if the script is quite ready yet, though. There's a lot of meandering around, with Hamon and Zachery. I don't get a feel of a goal, I mean I know that Z needs to be comfortable with reaping people, and wants to be good at it, but I felt the story zigzagged a lot.

Could I suggest that you trim the description a little. You've got a lot of stuff on the page, that is unecessary. For instance.

Napkins and menus take flight. Tablecloths desperately want
to join them. People hold onto their hats. Patio umbrellas
rock in their holders.

There's a lot of description here, that is really just taking up space on the page. Would a tablecloth really desperately want to join anything? Try and just show us what's going on, without the 'flowery' description. Screenwriting is different, in that you just need to show us what's on screen. It's more of a 'just the facts'.

I do like this idea, and I think with work, it could be strong.

I was confused by the Voice Over with Hamon and Zachery in the beginning scene. YOu didn't introduce Haman, he was just suddenly in voice over. Maybe they were Haman and Zachary's thoughts? Confusing.

good try, keep writing and tweaking this. You have a good concept here.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a great idea for a story -- a novice grim reaper who has too much empathy to actually kill anyone. Great idea! But I think you need to tighten up your story a bit, and there are quite a few typos.

The typos are easy fixes, but here are some examples of what I mean about tightening up the story.

Starting on Page 1, when we first see Zachery's fancy watch, some kind of countdown begins. A "ticking clock" is very often a fantastic device to inject some tension into a plotline. But you haven't done that -- the countdown didn't really add any tension to the scene, and in the end, it wasn't even important. The important thing was that Zachery couldn't bring himself to kill Jaime, regardless of the countdown. So, the countdown (which goes on for three pages) and the fancy watch are essentially meaningless, and you could just eliminate them.

Another example is the scene in the park. As far as I can tell, the only reason for that scene is the first couple lines of chatter between Zachery and Hamon. That could have been accomplished (if necessary, and I'm not sure it is) during the preceding couple scenes, and it would tighten your script up a little more. (Although, I do REALLY like Zachery's line, "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Zachery with an "H," and I will be your transporter this evening. Sadly, all of you have passed on today.")

So, anyway, I think this is a great idea for a story, and I think your screenplay has lots of potential. But I recommend tightening it up a bit.

My score: Good.

(p.s. I love the phrase in the logline "his first solo reap".)

Comments Made After the Contest

Byron Matthews (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2012 10:43 AM

Outdoor Patio's have waitresses/waiters maybe it's a a New Mexico thing.