Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Correct me if I'm wrong. Did this get Tweet-pitched to Scriptshadow? Seems awfully familiar and similar to a logline/concept on there.

But I digress... and I haven't even started.

Scratch that DEFINITELY the script that Carson read on Twitter just a few days ago. Unlucky that it didn't progress (and apologies to Chris for advertising another site :) )

*Apologies. Due to blue screen of death dead PC, I couldn't critique this script as I would have wanted. As such, I can only grade* GOOD.

Alex Mitchell (Level 3)

Really well written. Every line of the ten pages was full of detail and really helped to create an image for the story. I also really like the plot and can easily see where it might go after reading those first 10 pages. At the moment, I can't think of anything that you might want to fix. But good job! Very impressive!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Love the very first image, Courtney having a hard time creating a satisfying climate in her work area. Visual metaphor for not being in control of things.

Then a shot of the brochures, child abuse, A.D.D., teen depression, drug use, pregnancy, I understand a child is in real trouble but I don't know what trouble yet. I'm hooked.

Great characterization of the place, the teenagers rumbling like herds of cattle. The mass versus the individual, Joni. The fighting teens. It's chaos!

I like both Courtney and Joni, they both have problems that need to be solved all on page one already.

Oeh that was a punch in the gut, Joni went out of a window.

Great job! You show a big terrible event, now I'm left wondering why Joni jumped, and what will happen next. And you meander into backstory on page three. I'm hooked already.

But even there, on page three, you introduce us to new characters and the things they need fixing: Bobby needs to stay off the bottle, needs to get a job, needs to work on his relationship with Tess. Clearly they are sweet. And there are children involved, Jake and Max. Gut-wrenching again.

Pages six and seven, the telephone conversation serves to show us Tess and Courtney know each other but you also added a lot of exposition. The dialogue was long and not memorable, I tuned out. For example, you can weave in that Joni is pregnant on the first page makes it even more gut-wrenching that she dies. Then make that phone conversation very brief: "Hi.... what's the matter? ... I'm coming right over, stay put!" and cut to Joni surrounded by the tissues, crying as she hangs up the phone.

Good job making Bobby a dislikable character even more; he smokes, teaches his kid to shoot.

On page ten, another slight opportunity to tighten the dialogue: Max: "Huh, I guess he didn't see me." would be better shown by an actor with a disappointed look on his face.

This scrip plays with masculinity versus femininity in a wonderful way. Max effeminate, Jake with his macho father. Courtney and Tess trying to but failing to take care of children because of violent macho influences. The boys in school punching doors. Bobby punching walls, the masculinity of physical force. Then the two women raising Jake and Max, two loving mothers. You thoroughly weaved that in as a theme; a discussion of male and feminine behavior, roles in society. Aggression versus caring.

I think I can see where you're going with this; do you protect your child (feminine behavior, taking care of your child) even if you know he killed some one (male aggressive behavior)? And if he's not your biological son? She'll have a tough choice ahead of her, conflict.

I voted VERY GOOD. I like how you have a clear idea for a theme and then weave lots of elements in this script around that. You laid the basis for some great drama.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Pg 1: Your description of Courtney is a bit lengthy at four lines.

Pg 1: "Joni now crying." Typo.

Pg 2: "A disturbing realization hits her." Can you describe this visually?

Pg 3: You transition from the death of Joni to a group of unknown characters. There's no immediate tie-in to the previous scene. I'm hooked on Joni's death. A troubled couple is not what I want to read at this moment.

I suggest jumping straight to the phone conversation for a bit of resolution. The phone call now gives a segue from Courtney to Bobby and Tess.

Pg 7: I'm uncertain about your time jump. You chewed up three pages with Bobby/Tess and Max/Jake. Do their actions bear fruit ten years later?

You tell us quite a bit of information as opposed to showing. It's easily corrected though. Just give us visual characteristics as opposed to "A great listener.
The students' favorite counselor." or "charming when needed but not now..."

I'm expecting a thriller and was hooked when Joni died. Afterwards, the story shifted towards a family drama. Don't lose your edge. Keep the thrills and mysteries coming.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Things I like:

It has a nice clean format to it which makes it easy to read and follow the world you're painting.
Lots of great scenes -- the girl commiting suicide, the parents fighting, etc.
I really loved the subtext in the scene between the suicide girl and the counselor.
It took me awhile but I'm assuming Tess and Courtney are "lovers" -- very subtle way of doing it.

Things I didn't like:

The final few pages just felt flat. I don't know what it is, but they didn't pack the same punch as the first few pages.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I have read it a number of times but I still find it quite confusing. I'm not sure who the protagonist is...I wasn't sure what was the significance of the young girl committing suicide to the total story. It seemed very important but I'm guessing that she won't figure any more...I think that although of course in the first ten pages we don't want all our questions answered, we DO need something to think about, I felt that your plot needs more focus and clarity.

The end of the ten pages - I still have no idea what this was about or who it was aimed at or what genre it is.

I DO think that if you cleared this up then it could be a great script.

Here are a few notes I made as I read.


The ventilation system wasn't ready and it shows on? A confusing opening sentence...not a good plan!

A great listener? the students' favourite counsellor? How the HECK can we know this?

Good opening scene!

Two Sizable Teenagers and Two Young Boys don't need capitals.

Charming when needed but not now? Please stop telling us stuff we cannot possibly surmise from the screen.

Best to refer to Bobby as Bobby right from the start. MAN and MAN/BOBBY then BOBBY NEWLIN then BOBBY is confusing.

Normally sweet-natured? Married young? How would we know?

YOUR little friend not YOU'RE which means YOU ARE

I do feel that the counsellor was WAY unprofessional to reveal private information.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I liked this a lot.

I think the characters are very strong here. I like how you have set up all these inter-mingled relationships and I'm really curious to see how they all play out.

Some of the scenes are a little too "on the nose", but still your craft is good and I was definitely intrigued.

This is very good and I hope this moves on to the next round.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

While these were a compelling first ten; the plot has yet to be engaged... this is all back story without any ramifications on the plot.

Too chatty. I don't need to know the circumstances-- just SHOW me the evidence. (favorite councilor- a room full of notes/drawings from students; no a.c.-- sweat, lifeless streamers on the vent, a rat crawling in the ducts)

CONFUSING CIRCUMSTANCES (I say drop this part-- start off with father/son in the truck and son gets caught looking at boy/girl-- that's when your story starts),
HOWEVER if you must...
--the phone affair. we should see it as Bobby sees it AND then find out Courtney was on the other end... as is I thought she was calling her sister, and would probably still think they were sisters if it weren't for the logline (stepson) [or, instead of the fight, it's Tess's call that interrupts Joni's session]
--the teen suicide. first, we should learn about Joni's situation (preggers and rejected) before she makes the leap. And second-- it's such a big thing to happen it detracts from the grand plot...plus it doesn't look like the suicide changed anything in C-'s career.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Aaah, I'm sorry but this is the third script I've read in a row involving high school and struggling youth, which just isn't my thang. So I'll try to be fair. It's well-written. It seems personal and you've captured a realistic set of chracters. And of course I'm interested by the lapse in time. How will that be bridged and be relevant for your story?

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: Seemed like a pretty standard "coming of age" story where a misunderstood teen makes a tragic choice that everyone will look back and say that it "could have been prevented." Rather than going through all the machinations of the counselor's office, I'd open with JONI on the ledge about to jump. THAT'S a compelling opening image that will hook your reader and make them want to turn pages to find out "what next?"

WRITING: Two things drew my attention while reading the screenplay. First, the dialog. Too many "direct addresses." People rarely talk to one another (unless in a formal setting) and address each other by name. Things like: "Who is it, Tess?" and "Bobby, stop!" don't ring true. Unless you go something like this: Who is it?! Who is it, Tess?! Second, was the (sometimes) wordy lines of description that made the read clunky. An example of that would be on page 2. "A three story drop. Broken below lies Joni, motionless, arms legs and neck twisted in almost inhuman directions." That's way too many syllables for what is, essentially, a body on the ground. Remember: LESS IS MORE! Same thing for, "Scarlet red blood pooling underneath, contrasting with the white stone steps." Blood is red. We all know that. You don't need to tell us that it's "scarlet" or "red." Trust your reader to get the image you put on paper without double and triple itemization of each scene. You're giving us snapshots.

OVERALL: While having the potential for commercial appeal, "Anybody's Son" needs to revisit some of the character choices or they will come off as thin and cliched. A tighter rewrite would be more appealing.

David M Troop (Level 4)

I thought you were going to lose me, but you pulled it together nicely at the end of page ten. I was trying to make heads or tails of the relationships and where this was going... so, Courtney the school psych is the other woman in Tess's life.

That was an interesting way to introduce the characters. Liked that.

Your dialogue is down to earth, everyday, and fits the characters, although some of the dialogue is a little corny at the lake house. Sounds very Lifetime Channel.

I'm not sure if you have to use Young Jake and Young Max since this is not a flashback. I think you can just use Jake and Max since you note later that they are both ten years older.

A big problem with only reading the first ten pages of a drama is sometimes it does take a while to get into the story. But, I liked how you started with the teen suicide (I don't mean to sound insensitive to teens) and the marriage breaking up at the lake house to pull us in and get us to side with both the women and Jake.

I just have to mention to keep the action lines in the Present Perfect Tense (Jake hides, Courtney cries...) rather than the Present Continuous Tense (Jake is hiding, Courtney crying...).

I thought this was a good start.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice read. You've done a good job of setting up the main characters, and created lots of conflict from the beginning. I see a lot of clues as to what's going to happen and why - hopefully it doesn't turn cliche'. You are dealing with very serious subject matter, so it will take a deft hand to pull this off. I'd say you've got a good start.

As for critiques, I think you could spot quite a few tweaks with a careful read through. First two pages are very well done with Courtney's intro. I think I would like to see Jake highlighted first in the next section. Have some interaction with Max so I know them first, then lead me into the room where his parents are fighting. Also, it might work better to give a quicker hint that Courtney is the new person in Mom's life. It would just make everything link up more nicely. Bobby is borderline cliche' - seems like too much of a jerk the first time we see him. But the fight scene is good -- just needs some tweaks. (Bobby says "you're little friend" instead of "your little friend". And I sort of hate the phone conversation on pages six and seven.

Overall this is really good. Good story laid out, good characters. I look forward to reading more.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Funny thing is I saw these first 10 reviewed by Carson on Scriptshadow last night. I'm going to have to agree with him here. The first scene is great and really sets the mood, but the next 6-7 pages don't do much of anything for hooking the story.

I was hoping the inciting incident, the unexplained disappearance, would've happened in the first 10.

As it stands though, this logline was one of my favorites in both competitions so I'd like to see more. I think it's a great idea. Your writing is solid too.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are my thoughts as I’m reading through:

Great opening. Your first two paragraphs are so nice.

I don’t think (CONT’D)s are in vogue anymore. You can probably just disable them in whatever tool you’re using.

Grammar nitpick: the display of brochures would “dominate.” Singular.

Powerful moment with the suicide. Unexpected. A really great punch to the nose of your protag on the second page. Nice.

I’m really loving your descriptions. Really loving them. But be careful not to slide in pertinent information that can’t translate to the screen. For example, “YOUNG JAKE NEWLIN, Tess and Bobby’s son. That’s a piece of info that will have to be introduced “officially” later. So maybe let the reader be in the same place as the audience…asking the question “who are these boys?” You can reveal later…ohhh that’s their son.

Just to tack on to the previous comment. “He’s yelling at Mommy again.” The audience, because they haven’t read your descriptions, will think that the two boys are brothers. It’s just a gateway to some confusion. Easily fixed. No big whoop.

Gun nitpick: I’m not sure “automatic” is the word you’re looking for there. Maybe “…the revolver or the nine?”

I have to admit, things ended up feeling a little fragmented to me. I really like your writing style. No joke. Your descriptions are great. I guess my main note would be to really decide who your protagonist is and lock them in over these ten pages. That first scene with Courtney left such an impression that it was difficult to basically abandon her for the rest of the ten pages.

I think one of the more telling signs of my reading experience was this: I had to go back and reread your logline because, after reading your first ten, I couldn’t remember what it was.

Again, I don’t want to come across too negative because it is crystal clear that you are a tremendous writer. I guess I just want to see a little more honed direction through these first pages. The disconnect between the first scene and the scene at the lake is pretty significant.

Nice work though. Good luck!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The story drew me in and I'm interested in knowing what happens next.

In my opinion, calling the children YOUNG JAKE and YOUNG MAX made for a cumbersome read. I would have introduced the characters as JAKE and MAX (both 6). Later, introduce the older characters as JAKE and MAX (now 16).

The CONT'Ds in dialogue are not needed. If you use Final Draft, this feature can be turned off.

Only write in present tense. The first sentence reads: Unseasonably hot, the ventilation system wasn't ready and it shows on...

The writer sees to use words that end in ING a lot. I would suggest something more active.
Example #1: Joni now crying. Consider instead: Tears stream down Joni's cheeks.
Example #2: Young Jake is rocking and crying. Consider instead: Jack cries while he rocks back and forth.

On page 4: The writer stated: “Both whispering.” Suggest this be shown as a parenthetical with dialogue.

Only write what can be filmed. Show don't tell. The following is telling:
Example #1: Page 1 - “A great listener. The students' favorite counselor.”
Example #2: Page 1 - A disturbing realization hits her. In this example, consider instead: “She races to the open window.”
Example #3: Page 3 - “... from a life of hard work”.
Example #4: Page 3 - “...charming when needed but not now...”

On page three: “...BOBBY NEWLIN, slightly older, muscular...” Slightly older than what?

Proof read. On page two Courtney says: “Stow it!” I think the writer meant “Stop it!”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

If Joni's character is about to commit suicide, you may want to ramp up her emotional grief. A simple cry may not be enough.

Also, when your characters say "He's yelling at mommy again." and "You're leaving with
me." I wonder if this is more for the benefit of the audience's understanding, not what your characters might actually say. I'd rework these two lines a bit.

You have a wonderful gift for adding details that add a lot of "flavor" to the mix.

Continued good success.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I remember this one. Hope it's good.

1- I had to read the first sentence 3 times to understand what you meant. You might want to fix that.

2 - The suicide completely took me off guard, because the way you write -- the tone -- is like a comedy. I'm not getting serious drama from what I'm reading.

3 - Why specifically Harry Potter?

3 - Just say "BOBBY", not "Man's voice"

7 - They two women said too much on the phone. We, as the audience, already know how they feel. You just kind of told us again. And the transition from Courtney crying to "10 years later" was too abrupt.

There wasn't any tension or conflict in this. just an establishment of characters. I liked the characters, but again, nothing much happened. A seemingly random sucide and a divorce. I don't think the scene where Jake is 6 is even needed. That could all be revealed throughout the story with dialogue.

Kirk White (Level 5)

This one is interesting…you have a tremendously POWERFUL opening with the suicide which makes me think this is Courtney’s story…but then we shift and it seems like Tess is going to be the protagonist. I’m assuming that Jake is going to be the suspect in this? I’m sure that more will be revealed/explained as the script goes on but based on your logline and these first ten pages, I am just not at a point where I know what is going on.

The transition between the school and the lake house is a bit abrupt and it gets a weeeeeeeeee clunky when Tess and Courtney exchange “I’m sad” monologues followed immediately by a cut to the present. I just don’t quite understand the initial story here; I’d almost be ready to say “pick an opening—either the high school or the lake house but not both” but not having the rest of the script for clarification I just end up with more questions than intrigue.

Giving a fair

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Absolutely love this story so far. A straight-forward drama, with a bit of a twist: Tess and Courtney are obviously a couple. (Isn't the famous quote, "The same thing only different...") Brilliant.
Amazing how fast these pages read. Writing is clear and concise. A comfortable number of characters with terrific character descriptions.
Some familiar aspects, like a drunken father, a straying mother, and a child caught in the middle. Particularly fond of dialogue between characters which include an activity (something for the actors to do) thrown in; Bobby and Jake in the car talking while Jake's got his eyes on the cigarettes, and Tess and Courtney chopping a chicken for dinner.
Am curious about how Joni's death early on will figure into the story.
Make be a comment or two about removing the term "continuous" in the headers. Not a major issue, though, as the continuouses (sp?) are consistent.
So many directions to go with this premise. Really looking forward to reading the completed screenplay. These first ten pages are excellent.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Stay away from action descriptives that end in "ing." Write in the present tense. Write what's happening on the screen at the moment.

I don't care what Courtney looks like. I don't care what any of your characters look like. At all. Don't write it down if it doesn't matter to the story. I can't visualize a character as a great listener, a student favorite, charming when needed, or any of the other descriptives you include. I certainly can't tell if they married young... Write what you want me to see on the screen. Everything else wastes valuable story space.

A script is the blueprint you create for a work that's meant to be seen and heard. It isn't meant to be read by anyone other than the people who will consider making it into a movie or judging it in a contest. Avoid a novelistic writing style. If you want a character's traits or history to be known, figure out a way to work that into the dialogue and/or action.

Turn off the MORES and CONTINUED feature on your writing program. It isn't necessary unless a single block of dialogue is split between two pages... And you should probably avoid doing that. A block of dialogue reads better if it's contained on a single page.

"Slightly older" is not a designated age. Slightly older than what? Use specific ages for characters. They take up less space.

Introduce the boys by name when they first appear on screen.

You start the story in the present. Then you include the lake house segment with Bobby, Tess and the boys. Then you start the next scene with the superscript, TEN YEARS LATER. Then I realize that I'm back where I started in time... Organize this better. You can use "FLASHBACK," "END FLASHBACK" or something along that line, but make it clear at the beginning of each scene when you're jumping around in time.

Personally, the entire flashback scene seems unnecessary to the story.

"CONTINUOUS" is not a time of day. DAY, NIGHT, DAWN, DUSK are times of day. The fact that one scene happens immediately after another should be obvious in the writing. The time designation is for production. When a location report is generated, the times of day will be a factor. "CONTINUOUS" doesn't tell anyone when the scene occurs. Continuous has its place, but don't over-use it.

You end page ten on a very bland note. Something should change here. Something should happen that makes me want more.

Also, I don't know who your protagonist and antagonist are yet. From the logline, I would assume the protagonist is Courtney, but there's no evidence of that in these pages.

This needs some editing. Good luck with it...

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The opening scene was shocking.

I'm not sure how we'll be able to see some of your descriptions ("A great listener.
The students' favorite counselor"). Instead of telling us this, give us a visual moment or a line of dialogue that isn't too obvious. In fact, you do show us, when she tells two teens to break a fight up, and it works. That takes respect.

"Broken below lies Joni"
This line would have more impact (pun unintended) if it were restructured, and maybe separated into its own sentence: "Joni lies below. Broken."

Page 6: "You're little friend" should be "Your little friend".

If Courteny is your protagonist, I think you should spend less time on the conflict between Tess and Bobby, because, through their whole argument, we learn only two pieces of information: that he drinks, and she's cheated on him. It doesn't really influence what we see later on, or give us an idea how Tess and Courteny ended up together.

Good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Great hook at the end of page two. This is a strong opening, despite a little too much 'tell' for my liking.

Pg 4 - slightly older than who? Two young boys?

Pg 6 - *your

I like this. I felt it lost a bit of steam after a great opening but it establishes an intersting family situation and I can see a dramatic story emerging from this opening.

I'm wondering about the significance of the suicide since we suddenly shift ten years ahead and move away from it. That scene carries so much weight it should be a significant part of the story.

Good stuff.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Does it grab me - You've got decent elements here but it hasn't really gotten off the ground yet.

Are the characters well defined, strong, and engaging - After reading these 10 pages, I'd say the protagonist is Jake. However, based on your logline, the protagonist should be Courtney. So at this point, I'm not sure who's story you're telling. I get that Jake has inherited a bad temper (and shooting skills) from his dad, but from Tess's description, he's not really a bad guy. So I'm a little hesitant to buy into that completely. He also comes across as reserved and maybe that fits his character. We don't know much about Courtney yet. She's a counselor who realizes she doesn't pick up on clues that should be more obvious to her. I'm guessing she's also gay and now living with Tess? If so, I don't understand why the homosexual aspect has been brought into the story, including Max.

Writing style - I get the feeling you're holding back a little in these early pages. I think you can accomplish all you've given us here in about half the pages. Cut to the core ideas to move the story along. The dialogue comes across well but you might want to try to build more uniqueness into each voice. If you read the dialogue sections of Tess and Courtney on the phone with each other, you could swap who's talking and not know the difference (except for the content). Try to give each character his own voice in the dialogue.

Craft - Too many -ing verbs - wrestling; requiring; crying; rumbling; pooling; contrasting; staring; etc.... Keep verbs in the present tense. You also have a good deal of description where you tell us things we can't know by what we see on the screen - " A great listener. The students' favorite counselor."; "charming when needed but not now"; "married young, normally sweet-natured but torn between fear and defiance". Give us descriptions that let us see this. In your opening sentence you say "the ventilation system wasn't ready and it
shows on..." but you never describe how it shows.

Do I want to read more - I think I'd be more intrigued if Courtney was more perceptive in the beginning but just distracted by the fight. It would set her up as a character who has the skills to confront the challenge you've presented in the logline. At the end of the 10 pages, we're not aware of that challenge yet. In the same vein, add something to indicate Jake's growing interest in killing, either visually (preferred) or in his dialogue with Bobby in the truck. Start planting seeds for things that will show up later.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was quite a good start for your script. I'm not entirely sure the opening image is what you are looking for with this script because I'm not sure it implies the tone of the rest of the script - though it might. It certainly is an event and it does catch your attention. I guess it also sets up the character for the main story.

Other than that I don't really have much to complain about.

Good luck with advancing to the next step.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This starts extremely well, your first two pages are knockout - seriously good and then you give us all this back-story via an argument that goes on for four pages.

I would cut that argument and go straight to the ten years later and let that back story come out as the story unfolds - then you'd have us questioning the women's living together, the history between the boys - you'd have hooks for us to be reeled on in instead of giving it all away before you've even got going.

The dialogue between grown up Jake and his dad is good, really establishes their relationship, the dad's comments about Max tells us a bit about their past, it's enough.

This line of Max's:

"MAX (CONT'D)
Huh, I guess he didn't see me."

really not good, so on the nose it made me cringe a bit! - kids don't say things like that and it suggests that they're usually still best buds - 'huh', will do. Less is often more.

This is a good start, is it enough to get you through - not sure, I hope so, I think it's got some interesting things going for it.

p6 you're/your

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Some notes I took while reading:

p.1 - you say "a natural beauty requiring little make- up". Well, what is it? A natural beauty or someone who needs some make up?
Descriptions like "A great listener. The students' favorite counselor." can't be seen on screen.

When you format scene headings you do location, then sub location, then time.
EXT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Why do you have "Child Abuse, A.D.D., Teen Depression, Drug Use, Pregnancy" in bold? Is this detail incredibly important?

Courtney lives in a two story house, so does Tess. Are they neighbors? Otherwise, I don't know why you accent on this detail.
p.9 - Jake mentions Courtney. Does this mean Courtney lives with Bobby?
p.10 - we find out Courtney is with Tess. I guess they are sisters?

I don't really see the inciting incident here. What is it? Is it that Jake is going to move in with his dad? I had a suicide happened on p.2., is this the inciting incident? If so it's too early. Besides, it's not clear yet what is it for. A girl jumps out of the window... so? It happened 10 years ago, seems like a long time and a forgotten case.

Your writing is good. You tried to keep the pace up shifting between the two subplots. I think you need to work on formatting. Also, the story itself seems like something interesting but also seems like 10 pages is not enough to understand the whole story. I see the protag is Courtney (according to the logline), antag? hm... I don't know yet. Logline states there is a case of disappearance, but have not noticed anyone disappear yet.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I like the idea of the shocking beginning - a teacher leaving for a moment causes the difference between life and death. It's a good pre-story to show for the character- hopefully it will pay off in the arc of the script. Jake's plight with his parents is a good second plot, and I think - though it's only hinted at - the hook is that Tess isn't running around with some guy, she's running around with Courtney. It's good not to treat this with kid gloves, although it's a little vague.

There are a couple of major problems with these first ten pages. First, while the two plot halves work, they're stuck together very awkwardly. You might fix it by seriously cutting down the phone conversation between the lovers - especially Courtney's. (We know everything she's telling Tess anyway - we've just experienced it - so it loses a lot of steam.) Still, even with that, these seem pretty disjointed. We might need more time before the plotlines cross, or we might need less.

The actual characters come across as pretty wooden. You tell us a lot about Courtney, and even show us to an extent - you say she's commanding and pretty, and then the tough kids listen to her, proving your point. But what she says and does don't seem like they'd thwart these bullies - the problem is solved merely by the force of Courtney's personality, which isn't clear from anything she actually does. You tell us she's a great counsellor, but her advice to Joni is pretty bad - forget your test scores, just worry about soccer? The back-and-forths between Tess and Max culminate in a real novelty - Courtney - but everything else is a bit of a cliche - drinking husband, cheating wife, cowering child.

The characters need some life, and the structure needs tighening, but fix it up and this could shine.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ll make notes as I go:

Pg 1 - The first page works fine, although I’m not sure it has a hook element that gets me excited.

Pg 2 - “She marches over, breaks it up.” - It seems like this would involve some dialogue and perhaps more action.

“Courtney pops back in the office.” - This probably needs a scene heading.

The twist on this page is great.

Pg 4 - Good drama here.

Pg 7 - “SUPERSCRIPT: '10 YEARS LATER'” - I’ll admit I’m a bit irritated with this. It makes me suspect that we’ve just watched key backstory, good stuff but still backstory. Now the actual story will begin. Sorry to pick on you, but I’ve seen this quite a few times recently and it’s become a pet peeve of mine.

And after the jump we are first with Bobby, not Jake, Tess, or Courtney, all of whom would have been in front of Bobby on my list of possible protagonists.

Okay, Jake is with him.

Pg 9 - I like the continuing conflict over who he should live with.

Pg 10 - I see, so it’s got a “The Kid’s Are Alright” dynamic. Knowing that makes some of the other stuff earlier fit together better.

I just took a look at the logline to see what else I’m to expect and I’m a little surprised that Courtney seems to be the central character. What you got here is solid, but I’ve still got a nagging doubt over whether you’ve reached too far back for a starting point to this story.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Nice and tight one sentence logline.

pg 3 - This slug: "INT. LIVING ROOM - LAKE HOUSE - CONTINUOUS" Shouldn't LAKE HOUSE precede "LIVING ROOM"?

pg 3 MAN'S VOICE (O.S.) - Just introduce him as "BOBBY'S VOICE." Bobby is introduce shortly after this anyway.

Interesting and clean read. My only concern is that the first ten pages is a setup for the characters until the inciting incident. I assume the inciting incident is the disappearance of the popular girl, and it has something to do with Jake and his Dad. I'd keep reading, but the disappearance of the popular girl should/has to happen by page 15. Else, it might be best to rethink the first ten pages and get the good stuff (disappearance of girl/stepson as prime suspect) in the first ten pages.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Some instances where telling rather than showing is in the screenplay.

It appears that the first two scenes are the best ones so far, but most of the scenes are disjoined. Confusing enough, more characters were introduced in the screenplay. The protagonist is undefined, so is the antagonist.

The content in the screenplay became confusing by page four, since the scene transition was confusing.

The dramatic situation between Courtney and Joni is good.

There are many gerunds that can be omitted in the screenplay.

In Courtney’s dialogue, her lines can be shown instead of told, where she reminds the person she is on the phone with about Courtney’s suicide.

Bobby and Jake are probably the protagonists of the screenplay.

Although the dialogue is real and lean, they are heavy in the screenplay. Some of them can be described in visual medium instead. The characters are developed, and the visuals are good.

Overall, the first ten pages are well structured. It would be nice If the writer hint reasons why to way Joni has killed herself though.

The writer done well telling the setup of the story, but the first ten pages does not stand out to be a page turnover.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Are Tess and Courtney a lesbian couple?

The opening, while written well gets a bit jarring with the transition to Tess and Bobby's fight and subsequent long phone dialog, where Courtney gives the long explnanation for the suicide.

Other than that I found this to have the leanings of a fine little domestic drama with probably some thriller elements, considering your logline.

If you'd given me some more hints of that thriller elemtn, I might've even bumped the score to an excellent.

Hope you get to complete the feature.

Nicely done!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Really liked this, I'm drawn in and want to read more. I like your characters and your opening scene was strong. My only question is, why start it way back then. Maybe there's going to be a reason, in further pages. But, if not, then I'd suggest starting when Max Jake is a teen already.

I do like the backstory, though, but I wonder if it would be more powerful, to have Joni's death in the current time frame.

I was interested at some of the dialogue, wondering why Courtney is there, now. Is she living with them? Why does Jake say, 'Courtney won't like it' instead of Tess, who is his mom.

I'm guessing that Max also will be a big part of the story.

I'm definitely wanting to read more of this, as this is the kind of film that interests me, I like relationship kind of movies. The pacing was great, no slow moments, and you left me thinking, dang I want to know what happens next.

I like the title, it's strong.

The logline is confusing now, is Jake Courtney's stepson? I was thinking that she was his aunt.

Great job.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is well written and the first sequence (with Courtney and Joni) is really good, and Joni's suicide is shocking.

But after that it becomes a lot less interesting -- a typical story about a drunk, out-of-work, borderline-abusive father wreaking havoc on the lives of his wife and little son. Flash forward ten years and the father still seems to be a problem, as he wants to take his son away so they can do "manly" things together. We can see another domestic clash on the horizon.

I know this is just the first ten pages, and this is all set-up for the real story yet to come, but you risk losing your readers with story elements as well-worn as these. You almost had us hooked with the Joni story, but then it settled back into the familiar tale of arguing spouses, culminating in the drunk husband speeding away in his pick-up truck, "tires squealing".

And, it seems from your logline that your main character is Courtney. She's all but disappeared into the background. The logline tempts us with a very intriguing story, but we really haven't seen any of it yet in your first ten pages.

I think your writing is great, but I recommend getting us to the main story a little more quickly, or at least jazzing up the back story a bit.

My score: Good.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

"Unreasonably hot" is a description of feeling, not something I can see or hear.
"and it shows" is weak. Simply describe what we see, not something that is vague.
"COURTNEY SELMAR wrestling" should be "COURTNEY SELMAR wrestles". Everything should be written as if it happening not as a state of happening.
"A great listener. The students' favorite counselor." Can't be seen. You are describing ideas but no behavior to constitute those ideas.
Take it easy with the ellipses.
"I heard you scored three goals" could be changed to "You scored three goals". It would show that she is actually paying attention instead of simply hearing from the grapevine.
"From her stern tone, the Two Teens listen...respect." Throw that sentence out. She already "broke it up" and inferences on why can be made.
"Stow it!" should be "Stop it!"
The suicide scene was powerful. I just wish that there were those corrections I had to make leading up to it.
"Grief stricken" isn't necessary if she is already, "rattled by the sight".
"charming when needed but not now" is also another telling not showing moment.
I don't think "MAN/BOBBY" is necessary. I inferred immediately the man's voice was Bobby.
"normally sweet-natured but torn between fear and defiance" is yet another tell not show moment.
The action line "Bobby yanks Young Jake out by the arm." confused me a bit.
"You don't sound like you." would sound better as "You don't sound like yourself."
I like that you presented a situation in which the audience knows what's going on while a character on screen doesn't (Courtney with the cigarettes).

I like the story overall. The characters are tangible enough and the conflict is downright emotional. I just wish that you didn't have those structural errors in the beginning. The dialogue could be helped by a quick edit (mainly all of the ellipses getting in the way). Also, I'm not sure why the opening scene is necessary if the main character is introduced to actually be Jake, but I'm sure there has to be some purpose I just can't see yet.

I'll give this a Fair.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Begins very well - love the opening image and description, right to Courtney's first line, but her second: COURTNEY (CONT'D) - "I was reviewing your P.S.A.T. scores and frankly, I'm surprised they're so low". I think that flies in the face of her being "the student's favorite counselor". Surely she can exhibit more tact than "I'm surprised they're so low".

Bobby & Tess - the fight needs to be quicker as well as start and rise to a height. It repeats itself a bit. Why are Young Jake and Young Max still in the house when the glass shatters? Why can't they leave the house, run to the woods? The fight causes tension and the tension should continue to build - don't let these important scenes resolve themselves easily.

This appears to jump around quite a bit in the first 10 pages. It's hard to get a feel for any of the characters. I'm not so sure you should start 10 years prior to current date.

Who is Courtney to Tess? Who is the stepson?

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2012 12:31 AM

I thought this was great. If you haven't finished this - I really hope you do. I think it could be a great film.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2012 12:31 AM

Really enjoyed these first ten. It's nice when the pages flow clearly.
Hooked me, and I wasn't the only one.
Still excellent!