Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Here's the problem.

On the surface, this seems like perfectly competent writing. There's plenty of white space And the writer knows how to write. Trouble is, this script displays that the writer understands part of the craft and not so much of the medium. And by that, I mean the medium of film.

In fact, I would be astounded if the writer hadn't started out with novel-esque writing and this is a first or second attempt at the screenwriting game. Not that it shows in the craft. The action description is stylish, sharp and succinct.

Where the novel writer comes through is that this writer doesn't yet have a grasp of how to link scenes. How sequences work. How transitions and throughlines can be used to create a narrative logic. Instead, you do exactly what they do in novels. A series of seemingly unrelated scenes that will later interconnect.

Can't do that in film!

That's why some novels will never be made. Because there's no way to translate between the two mediums. Here you have all sorts of errors. We cut away from the dramatic scene of the collapse instantly to a flashback of a character we have yet to meet. Not only does that destroy all tension in a second, but it leaves audience/reader confused.

You can't write like that!

We then continuously cut between the scenes in China with Los Angeles neither of which have ANY correlation with the other. The only ever so slight throughline being Li Chien and his earthquake experiments having some link to Fisher and his construction.

That's not enough. This was a confused read. The construction scene went on too long. It was just a little too talky for the opening to a script which prevents us getting to the crux of the story. So, in spite of the fact it's EXTREMELY will written, it might work better as a novel. As a screenplay- It gets a FAIR.

Alex Mitchell (Level 3)

While it is indeed an interesting plot, the writing might need a little work. It doesn't flow well and is at times, confusing. For example: I honestly had no clue what was occurring in the story during the construction site scene. However, this just might be me. Still an original plot and is sure to make a great readable action screenplay.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I loved the opening. After I read it a different task popped in my head, but I shook it of. Because I was intrigued. I had to keep reading. That's a great sign. The later scenes was a bit confusing. The construction site. It wasn't very clear to me. I had to read and re-read to understand them. Even so I couldn't understand the story you are setting up here.

Characters
You need to pay extra care for your characters. Fa was good. The flash back of his childhood gave some insight. But Fischer and Whitmore were one dimensional to me. Defining main characters is one of the 10 pages highest priorities.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The title, "Subduction", is a tad generic and I had to look it up in a dictionary. That probably means most non-Americans haven't heard of the word (my vocabulary is not THAT bad, I never have to look up film titles in dictionaries) and thus don't respond to it emotionally. But you have time to work on that still.

Meringue made me laugh! It works, I get a mental image immediately. The long shadows cast by the light, very moody, very visual description.

In stead of an artist's paintbrush, I would choose a Chinese calligraphy brush if I were you, with beautiful Chinese black ink (which is a transparent gray). Bold brush strokes placed confidently by a man who has practiced calligraphy for years. It would be perfect for this.

Very visual description of the earthquake, very good! Very original yet simple, I love it.

Now there's a start of a story! Predict the end of mankind on page one ha! I'd keep watching, great hook. Next scene segue into backstory exposition now that the audience is hooked. This approach works well.

Great contrast; first scene is inside, lamps, eery shadows, destruction. Scene two; daylight, outside, construction site. That transition packs a punch.

Your character descriptions are great. It won't be hard to find actors who want to play those cool guys.

You use very active verbs very effectively. Excellent writing.

Scene two is another memorable scene as we see Fisher is doing the upright thing, making sure the building will hold by simulating an earth quake.

Page five you have a Chinese child practice calligraphy, which realistic as I think every Chinese child gets calligraphy at school.

BUT. NOT. WITH. A. QUILL. PEN !!!

Find out how the Chinese do calligraphy. It really is a sight to behold, really beautiful. You have a wet stone, a big blob of ink you grind onto that stone until you get a gray-ish ink, and then you use a pointy brush to lay the ink onto the paper. You HAVE to make bold strokes because you are drawing on rice paper and if the brush moves slowly the ink will bleed in an ugly way. It is a very zen/yoga thing to do. You have to see the mark on paper in your mind before you swiftly make the mark.

I strongly suggest you change that because it will add to the Asian feel of that setting.

I like the transition from the young Jun Fa struggling to write to him being a general who can write confidently. You show visually that he is a master.

I also like the strong contrast between the loose chaotic cowboy American construction site and the tight military Chinese site. I want to be part of the American site and not the Chinese site. Good job conveying that feeling.

Page seven is exposition and my attention waned a bit but it is okay, I'm still hooked.

Focused on America, China being a threat. The Chinese having interests in South America.

On page ten, the transition from an image of hundreds of workers entering a non-descript building under a gray sky, to award plaques that decorate the walls of Fisher engineering. The first is the world we don't want to be in, the second the world we do want to be in, shown visually in a very effective way.

Catrina, blonde with body ink, again the cool cowboy chaos American world.

Nice cliffhanger at the end of page ten as Fisher heaves the model at the wall.

I gave this an VERY GOOD. I can see it is a tad formulaic but at the same time it is a film I'd want to see and you executed it well. Your writing is absolutely superb!

But please, take a second to find out how the Chinese do calligraphy! A google image search already shows you some examples (minus quill pen and ink bottle!) but it is likely that there is a group of people near you who practice it. Just ask them if you can sit in and watch, research you are doing for a film.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

No title page?

Pg 1: It would appear genuine if Li spoke in Chinese with subtitles.

Pg 1: I recommend ending the scene with Li's announcement that the earthquake will strike Chile. That's a jaw dropper and a good note to end on.

Pg 2: "Stone Fisher". Good name for an action hero.

Pg 3: Why does Stone decide to lift all the steel at once? He must have a good reason.

Pg 4: Why is it the Foreman's job to notify Fisher who then chases after Whitmore? The Foreman should be chasing down Whitmore.

It's also unclear as to why Whitmore would enter the building.

Pg 5: I doubt the necessity of General Fa's flashback. It slows down the pace and it doesn't tell us much about the general other than he has excellent penmanship.

Pg 6: Introduce the aide in caps. They are a character.

Pg 6: I like General Fa. He's a hardened man that has never known mercy or kindness.

Pg 7: You denied us a great explosion between Fisher and Birch. It doesn't have to be drawn out, just enough to tell us about their relationship.

I like your premise but you have a lot to build on and explain. Setting up an earthquake attack isn't the same as telling a soldier "drop a bomb on them".

My attention would be held if the tone were set with a small earthquake. Rather than model an earthquake, give us the real thing. Let Li demonstrate the model in time with the real deal. The model cracks at the same speed as the fault line on a monitor.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Things I liked:

I like how you ended the first ten pages.
I like the flow between the protagonist's and antagonist's worlds
I really like the scene where General Fa has this man killed without saying a word -- great stuff -- great introduction.

Things I didn't like:

I didn't care for the description of Li -- Oscar Madison, who's that?
Wen's dialogue was different than his other Chinese counterparts.
The scene with General Fa's father -- I'm sure there's more to it once the script is complete.

I'm in the middle:

The story has a quick then slow pace to it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was wonderfully done - an excellent from me despite the notes below - just small points.

Want to read more!

Notes as I read:

A series of arched bracing topped with spring-loaded clamps spiders underneath...I'm sure you know what you mean but I certainly don't! The bit about the red dot and the circle is also confusing me. Be careful.

How can we know the page of Chinese writing shows numerous errors? (Unless we're Chinese!)

I'm finding the Chinese names quite confusing, partly because they're quite similar. If they could be made more distinct it would aid clarity.

Loved and died for China? Do you mean 'lived' or is this deliberate?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like this and I am intrigued, but I'm afraid I also found it a little hard to follow.

Based on the logline, I realize that Fisher will be the protagonist, but I don't know if I would know that without the logline. There are too many jumps and too many characters. I can see one cut away to the villain working, but then focus on Fisher and his story. Who is this man and why is he going to be discredited, when it seems like he is the only one who realizes the danger?

At times there are are perfect little moments of visual poetry. But at other times I have trouble picturing what you are describing. For example, what is a "Chinese Oscar Madison", are you saying he is a slob? I imagine a lot of people won't get that reference.

In the end, I found that each scene left me with a couple of questions (and I think a few questions are good), but I had so many at the end of these ten pages that I felt more confused than curious.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

The writing is on balance quite solid. I learned more from the logline about what the story is here and found myself a bit confused upon reading the first 10 pages. I felt like the scenes by themselves were good but that I never could make enough of a connection between what was going on in the USA compared to what was going on in China.

Which brings me to China. As a degreed sinophile, I feel comfortable pointing out a few things. One, in your naming convention you mix together mandarin names with cantonese names which, for me, became very distracting. You also mix up the Wade Giles phonetic system of pronounciation with the pinyin system (sorry, I know that's wonky). Finally, Chinese surnames are placed first, you have placed them last as one does in English. Personally, I would scrap using the Chinese names the way you do and consider the following. My experience writing for an English speaking audience is that they have trouble keeping track of all the Chinese names, you might consider using functional labels like you did with General Fa (so maybe Artist Li or Farmer Qian). In your dialogue, you have your Chinese characters speak as if they are using broken English when in fact they are speaking their mother tongue so there would be no errors of this type made.

I actually like the log line and see the promise in the story, I just think this needs to be tighter. Good luck in the contest.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

The writing is solid. You introduce way too many characters. I'm not sure who to follow. You give them all names and spend a bit of time describing them, it's just too much to follow.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

The logline does a better job of telling the story than the script.

--Li. initially, its like he's a scientist showing us an experiment; later he seems to be a psychic-medium. His dialogue is spot on--HOWEVER--I don't understand what he means in the initial scene...

--Fisher/Whitmore. their story has been going on for sometime, and we're dumped in the middle of it.

What's the point at the construction site-- he's pounding in the poles more, and then they give way? Was there an earthquake?

--The General. so he made a power move, but all I got from that scene was Chinese politics--

And that flashback! Why do we cut from something happening (the building collapse) to the memory of a guy we haven't even met yet?

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: The writer has chosen a "degree of difficulty" much higher than most of the screenplays I've reviewed. CROSSCUTTING between China and Los Angeles is a high-wire act not for the faint of heart. The use of the FLASHBACK scene didn't really add you your storyline and would be better dropped just to keep from confounding your reader any more than necessary. I mean, it really doesn't reveal anything that couldn't be done in the the present day. The biggest hurdle you have is defining your protagonist. Is it LI CHIEN? That's the first person we are introduced to. If it is, then there's really no reason to waste space on a flashback on any other character. I'm not sure about FISHER's motivations for having the steel pile moved so recklessly when he seemed so concerned about safety on the page before. You don't what your reader scratching his/her head two pages into your screenplay!

WRITING: Some things could be done a little better so as not to raise an eyebrow to a more experienced reader. STEEL PILE really isn't a scene. It's a location within a scene, so just slug it. MOMENTS LATER is also unnecessary. Unless you're going to have the steel pile moved HOURS LATER, then you don't need to waste the reader's time by adding it. Keep your sentences as simple and in the "active" voice as possible. On page 10 you get a little clunky and passive by writing, "is penetrated". Better: A patch of red PENETRATES the foundation support columns.

OVERALL: Told on two fronts, "Subduction" challenges the reader to maintain two story lines, with one being non-linear. Which, by extension, doubles the character introductions. My feeling is that the Los Angeles storyline shouldn't be introduced until the later stages of the first act so that the reader can sort out the numerous character intros from the China storyline.

David M Troop (Level 4)

I can tell you put a lot of work into this.
This is not a script you can write by the seat of your pants.
Every scene is calculated and perfectly matched up to the next scene.
I can look at it and I know it is very good.
I just wasn't drawn into the story. Nothing grabbed me. I'm not saying this is boring subject matter...Everytime I was interested in the American side, the Chinese side pushed me away. Maybe it was because the American story was easier to read, if that makes sense. The American characters interested me more than the Asian characters, and that is not intended to be racist at all.

The American side is just more real and emotional. The Chinese story is more cold and emotionless. That may be your intent. Contradicting cultures and all. It just was a chore to get through. And again, that could be me.

As I stated, I know this is very good stuff. You really did your homework. It seems like you already have your index cards filled out and stuck up on the board. Kudos!

It just left me feeling uninvolved.

VERY GOOD

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

I think you meant "Felix Unger" not "Oscar Madison." Oscar was the cigar smoking, beer swilling slob sports writer. Felix was the neat as a pin, eerily lean and proper, but horribly uptight one.

I had to look up "subduction" but I still like the title. The double meanings that could come from that are intriguing. This is pretty good but could be tightened up. Most of the dialogue falls flat, and the halted english spoken by a chinese is borderline offensive. The descriptions can be shortened and tightened and more to the point. I found myself kind of getting bogged down with the reading, so it made it hard to see the flow of the story. This idea has legs, just need to work on the execution.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

So many characters!! A lot of the sentences and descriptions were too clunky to read. The story was jumping around way too much... from China to LA back to China, then a random flashback. It was all a little too confusing.

If I didn't read the logline, I would've had NO idea what this was about after reading your first 10. Work on making it a little more focused. You probably don't need several pages dedicated to showing us Fisher screwing up. You want to get the threat of nuclear confrontation in there to hook the reader early on.

Good luck!

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Oscar Madison?

These first 10 pages of yours have really captured my interest. I hope you advance, not crazy about the logline, but these first ten are quite excellent.

Everything is live, dialogue, characters, visuals. Yes, I do hope this one advances. Excellent.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are my thoughts as I read through your pages:

Fascinating logline. Cool title. I’m in!

I went from being really intrigued by the meringue model, to being utterly confused by this sentence: “A series of arched bracing topped with spring-loaded clamps spiders underneath.” I don’t think that makes sense.

“Oscar Madison?” Is that the odd couple Oscar? May be a little vague for a first intro.

Interesting first scene. It feels a little clunky…can’t put my finger on it. But the concept is cool.

When I picture a tower crane, I picture one of those big tall cranes with the cab way up there in the sky. Did Fisher climb up there? Am I picturing this wrong? I’m a little confused about what’s going on here.

I think I understand what’s going on here…Fisher is trying to simulate an earthquake? But I can’t deny it, I’m feeling increasingly lost.

BACK TO PRESENT DAY? When did we flash back? Hmmm…okay I see it in the slug now. I’m not sure I see the need for this flashback. It adds more confusion.

There’s just not enough occurring in these scenes to establish a story or characters. I’m a big fan of hopping around from scene to scene at the beginning of a movie, but I’m having a hard time establishing a through-line here. It seems almost sporadic the way we’re moving from LA to China, from past to present, from one line of dialogue to the next.

“You not even take a shower.” There’s no reason to have them speak in broken English. The assumption is that they are speaking Mandarin and we’re hearing the English translation.

There are A LOT of characters introduced in these first ten. It adds to the confusion.

I hate to admit it, but I was lost through most of these pages. I encourage you to find a single character in these first ten and focus on their actions. You can fill in some other things later. Your goal here isn’t to set up every subplot and character, it simply needs to be to HOOK us into a cool moment that you can later incorporate into the larger story. Right now, there are simply too many settings, subplots, characters, time periods…it’s overwhelming.

Good luck!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

As I read these pages, I liked the story more and more.

However, the writer almost lost me at the first two paragraphs. Although the writing in these two paragraphs is beautiful, I could not visualize what the writer was trying to describe. “A series of arched bracing topped with spring-loaded clamps spiders underneath.” I would suggest that the reader might benefit if the writer simplified this description.

I loved the description of LI CHIEN “A Chinese Oscar Madison.” But, I would be concerned because I am not sure all readers will know who Oscar Madison is.

On page 2 when Fisher says: I called for a minimum depth of eighty feet through this section for a reason.” Who is Fisher talking to? I suspect he is talking to himself. If my assumption is correct, the writer might add a parenthetical (mutters to himself).

On page 4: “Workers gathered outside cringe at the explosive sound.” The word GATHERED is past tense. Suggest instead: Workers cringe at the explosive sound. We already know they are outside from the slug line.

On page 5. “In Chinese he barks...” I would suggest this be stated as a parenthetical to MAO FA's dialogue. (barking in Chinese).

On page 7. “His eyes find Fisher...” Consider instead: “He sees Fisher...”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I am genuinely sorry to say that I didn't find your screenplay engaging. The greatest
moment of action was the collapse of a building on top of someone we hardly know. I think it is more effective to actualize a character we can care about before he is put is danger. This makes for a more humanistically moving moment. Otherwise, it's really just about the collapse of a building.

Your opening was intriguing but you introduce so many characters so quickly without any great humanistic development that one can grab on to in a memorable way.

And to be honest, I was distracted and put off by the stereotypical dialect of your charater Wen. I would consider softening his dialect.

On the other hand, your line "Take him away and get this to his widow" was positively brilliant and unforgetable. Your dialogue felt realistic and natural - with the exception of Wen's dialect.

Hope this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

OPENING IMAGE:
The description of the earthquake table is confusing. I couldn’t get a clear visual on it. Perhaps, describe it in a generic approach. Also, I thought the construction site sequence was well done.

PROMISE OF THE PREMISE
The stage has been set for the logline events.

GOOD.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

It's just chicken not chickens. Well, I heard it's Fishes and not Fish so I could be wrong.

It as very hard for me to follow this since I'm know nothing of architectural work. And, I'm not sure what Li had on the table. Did he actually cause an earthquake or was it just the model?

I'm assuming the Chinese are going to get Fisher to replace the guy they executed. That ill be cool. I'm not really sure what they are building though. I see in your logline that it's something to stop earthquakes, but in the beginning, Li was creating them... I think?

As you can see I am completely lost by your story. I really hope I have enough time at the end of the month to go over this again, because I want to understand it, but I just don't.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Amazing visual and audio quality. Description is top notch; so much color. Effective and captivating use of sound. From Li's lurching table in the first scene, to Fisher's destruction on the construction site, to Fisher learning of Whitmore's presumed death and the subsequent noise certainly generated by the model smashing against the wall. Riveting presentation.
Characters are easy to distinguish from each other. Particularly curious to read that Fisher cracks a smile and whistles "a jazz tune" throughout.
These first ten are well written. Needed to reread some of the technical aspects, though. Don't know anything about constructing a building so found Fisher's comment, "Get down there and sling that steel. The whole load," a bit confusing. The depth is primary concern to him; apparently the steel I-beams aren't set deep enough? So Fisher evacuates the building -- he's concerned about cracks or "fault lines" at the base? -- and he orders slings be wrapped around the steel? The BOOM, a great sound effect, is from the crane dropping more steel to be put in the ground as reinforcement? More than likely exactly what's happening would be clear onscreen, but it slowed down the read a little trying to decipher what work is actually being done.
However... Overall, this story is well done and expect it to be one of the final ten. Fisher is an appealing protagonist -- faults and all. Am hoping there's a love interest for him coming later on.
The completed screenplay will be entertaining to read. Good luck!

Lewayne White (Level 4)

"...Chinese Oscar Madison..." I'd recommend against that type of shorthand. You run the risk that the reader won't get the reference. Even if they do, it can be a distraction. In my case, I had to stop and think which was Felix and which was Oscar. By then I've spent more time on that than on the script. Try 'slovenly.'

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Nice start.

On page 7, use ALL CAPS to introduce the committee chairman.

If anything else is amiss, I didn't notice it.

You know your characters. You know your story. You've left me wanting MORE!

I'll look forward to reading the finished script.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the idea of opening your script with the protagonist at a very low, weak point. It gives him more to prove.

"A series of arched bracing topped with spring-loaded clamps spiders underneath."
This line was confusing and I had to re-read it a few times to work out that 'spiders' was the verb. And even though I've seen 'The Odd Couple' I had to google 'Oscar Madison' to work out what that means.

I know you're trying to build tension, but to me the abrupt transition from a collapsing building to Chinese caligraphy does the opposite, leaving the audience wondering what is going on (also, if that is why he grows up to be a strict general, that's rather simplistic characterization). I think overall, at least for these ten pages, you can spend less time with the Chinese side.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Not a bad start for your script. I like the fact that you spent about a much time in China as you did in the US.

The main problem I had with this was that like Chinese history, it was difficult to keep up with the names being offered. For a feature the number of characters are a drop in the bucket - but for the first 10 pages they are quite a few to keep track of.

Also, I'm not sure if your opening image was an appropriate one for this script or it may be that I misunderstood it. It was also unclear to me what the goal of the protaganist is -- I don't think you made it that far yet. Is this going to be a long script?

Good luck with advancing to the next round.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

The building site scenes are great, clear and filled with tension and great visual images. the Chinese scenes are less clear and I found my attention drifting many times while reading them, particularly in the Politburo scene, I read it several times and I'm still not too clear - Fa has got his men out somewhere for something against the Major's wishes?

You give sparse descriptions of your Chinese characters and I think this is a mistake, as their names are so unusual I think you must give them bold characteristics to fix them in our minds. I'm a bit bamboozled by all of them, the old boy - Li - is the only one really clear in my mind because of the beautiful and visual introduction you give him.

Fa is introduced as a boy being abused which is a great insight to his character but you then only describe his knuckles and uniform - I want to be able to see his face, spend some time on him.

It's an unusual beginning but I'm a bit bewildered as to how the two worlds will collide and to which character I'm meant to be following and that should be clear by page 10.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

There's a lot of fascinating ideas and visuals in here: the possibility of an earthquake attack, the chickens running through Li Chen's house, Fisher's stress test of a new building. The elements are solid, and I understand where you're going with them.

A lot of the beginning, though, is lost in chatter and quirky cuts back and forth between the two sides of the world. Is the General's talk going on at the same time Fisher's crew is trying to pull Whitmore out of the rubble? You might have been better served consolidating all of the Chinese material, and then starting with Fisher. Simpler, more straightforward.

Li Chen is a fascinating mad scientist. Fisher is likable for his guts and brains, but he's not fully realized yet. I need to know a little more about what makes him tick. Almost everyone else is a blur - even Fa, who seems to be set up as the primary antagonist. He starts off as vicious, but the committee dulls him, makes him into a bureaucrat.

It's a good idea and a decent start, but it could use some tightening up.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ll make notes as I go:

Pg 1 - “a Chinese Oscar Madison” - I know what you mean, but I have to wonder if “The Odd Couple” is a reference that will be lost on many people.

“fingertips hover unimaginably close to the terrain” - The “unimaginably” makes this seem odd.

Pg 2 - “Not sure exact date for big California earthquake yet.” - This is a big hook line of dialogue, so you should squeeze other stuff to get it onto page 1. Also having delivered this dialogue punch, I’m not sure it makes sense to have the short “LATER” item dilute its impact.

Pg 5 - The introduction of Fisher works well in showing us what he’s like and making it visually clear that earthquakes are his thing.

Pg 6 - The bad guy intro has a nice mean feel to it.

These pages do a solid job of letting us know what this’ll be about and who the key players will be. It might be that a more personal attachment to Fisher would make sense since he’s the lead. Also I wonder if we need this much early focus on the bad guys. Once the threat is established perhaps it is more fun to let our heroes uncover the nature of the plot they face.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Not much to say as it's a very clean read. The logline is one sentence and tight.

My favorite part is when Fisher uses the crane to lift the load and to drop it again and again. And Whitmore says' that's your boy flipping out.

I'd keep reading after these ten pages.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I did not notice any grammar or formatting errors. The pacing is tight and strong. Your dialogue is real and natural. The characters’ voices all have different personalities and make the story ring true.

It looks like the central premise of the story is to start an earthquake to destroy the United States by China. You have established the first ten pages. I’m just not sure what their motivations to destroy the U.S. are. I cannot relate to the characters at all because they lack motivation, and I don’t even know who the protagonist is.

This story has a lot of action, which makes this story dramatic with action scenes. However, I’m not sure what the stakes are and who the antagonists are. And to be honest, I found this hard and I think you could narrow the inciting incident to one event instead of having more events happening at the same time. I wasn’t sure what the story was about unless I missed something. I do like the fact that China is attempting to take down America, and it’s a fun read at the end.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The flashback scene of young Jun Fa really seems out of place and appears out of nowhere. It really breaks the pacing. Why not have it occur when you introduce the elder Jun Fa? I think it's actually decent backstory information, which can be conveyed minimally.

Though your premise is original and your lead characters are memorable, the structuring of scenes is quite fragmented and confusing.

I love parallel stories when they're executed with motive, i.e. similar time frames or simultaneous synchronous actions, cause and effect actions even.

But in this case, I don't see why you need to do parallel cutting?

You have a great opening scene and transition to L.A. But the flashback I mention above sets a trend that leaves me with bumpy read.

That and the numerous characters, especially those with Chinese names really loses me and I don't quite feel the impact of Genral Fa's clever ploy in the meeting or Wen's role in the scheme of things.

I think you could actually seperate all three sequences and have them follow each other, without losing your audience.

Li's story is the most fascinating, but I'm not quite sure who or what is he? Plus, do your Chinese characters speak english? Why would Wen and Li speak in broken English?

There's originality in these ten pages, but this sense of major thriller elements, of immediately hooking me to your characters is lacking. Some great visuals, but the fragmented nature lets it down.

It's a good job and has potential to be great.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

wow, there's a lot of characters (13) to keep track off. It might be my feeble brain, but I got lost. We lose Stone for quite a few pages, and I think you need to keep him at the forefront of the story. He's your protag and I really like him, I wanted to see more of him.

I think in the next ten pages or more, things will even out and we'll become familiar with those who are going to carry this story. As it is, I got confused by so many different characters to keep track of.

I think the scene where Jun Wa is a child, isn't necessary, it's just one extra scene crammed into this ten pages, where you need to set the story of the protagonist first.

I can see that you wanted to show how harsh his life was as a child, and why he's the way he is now, but I'm wondering if the audience will get who it is.. maybe.. It could be just me. I think that on screen it will be easier to follow. Again, it could be me.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a very well-written and enjoyable script. I love the way you're juggling the three stories (Li, Fa, and Fisher). I'm really anxious to read the rest of this, and I think I'll get a chance because I'm pretty sure this will move on to the next round of the competition.

I do have a couple comments/questions, though.

First, the flashback scene where Jun Fa gets his knuckles whacked. When we transition back to the present, I'm not sure how we'll know that 1) we just watched a flashback, and 2) General Fa is the grown-up version of the kid who just got his knuckles whacked. I'm not sure showing little hands drawing characters then showing larger hands drawing a character will get the message across. Maybe. But, maybe not.

My second comment involves Fisher (and this is a bigger concern). Based on the last couple lines in the screenplay, it seems like Whitmore has died. If that's the case, it seems like a significant part of Fisher's future is going to be a manslaughter trial, because that was an unbelievably irresponsible stunt he pulled at the construction site. In fact, (to me) it was SO irresponsible that it seemed unbelievable. I guess he's supposed to be an engineer who specializes in earthquake-proof buildings. He suspects the building hasn't been built according to specs, and therefore may not actually be earthquake proof at all, so he sets out to prove it, and he does -- with someone inside. Bummer. But, in reality, if he were going to conduct such a test (and do it responsibly), it would require more than him keying his walkie-talkie and announcing, "This is Fisher. I want the entire structure evacuated immediately." Something like this would be planned way in advance, there would be safety observers, etc., etc., etc. He just did it on his own, seemingly on the spur of the moment, and Whitmore died as a result. He'd be in big trouble for that. Like, go-directly-to-jail trouble.

Anyway, despite that, I really enjoyed the script, and I expect to see the full version in round 3.

My score: Very Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2012 12:11 AM

OH, I wanted this to move on! You were one of my few EXCELLENTS. Loved it!

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2012 12:20 AM

Wow Matt --
How did this not move on?
When -- I repeat -- When you finish this script, send it to me.
I've always like your writing, but you stepped it up here.
Terrific story!

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2012 12:37 AM

I'm completely crushed. Thank you both for the positive boost, but there was such a consistent theme to the other critiques. I guess my mind just doesn't want to deal with a single character/single issue concept but I can't seem to get the complicated thoughts across properly. I have to finish this though because I'm writing it with a friend of mine. The first 60 pages are nearly complete and act 3 is fully outlined. It's only 9:30pm here...I guess I should throw some more beers in the freezer...

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2012 12:17 PM

This was one of my two Excellents. I am gutted it didn't move on. Keep at it!