Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title. Reminds me of dialogue from Laurel and Hardy.

"Annie is pretty even with her hair". Put a comma after "pretty". Without it I misinterpreted the sentence's meaning. I thought Annie had pretty even hair.

No dash in "co-ordinates".

Why would Annie put on her shoes, then remove the heel? Why not perform the blade sharpening while her shoes are off? Easier access and she's not hobbling around on one good shoe.

Good suspense when Mark's cover is blown. Speaking of which, I don't fully understand how Annie knew. Was Mark to reply 'Your death will be but a pause' to Annie's ‘A sleep I shall have, a rest I shall have.’? Oh, and why does Mark reply with "Just like mother"?

Now that I know the meaning of the title, I'm unsure of it. Why does Annie call Mark "Old Chum"? Is there a back story I don't know about?

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

That was pretty damn good. I think this is one of the better scripts, I've read thus far. Clear writing. Action. Suspenseful. Even the title goes along with the story. It did take me a few minutes to figure out that she wasn't French, but it all came together at the end.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

You don't need two COUNTRY LANE scene headings in a row.

I thought this was an interesting story and it was great to have something a little different.

In some ways, there was too much story for a short - it deserved more pages.

I liked it a lot, though! Great ending.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

As a male, I noticed that once you know what the title means, there is excruciating and vicarious pain that ensues. The writing is excellent and the description and action are all well done. Is what gave him away the fact that he didn't have the proper coded response? It was a little unclear to me as was the reason for his mother deserving to be cursed. Otherwise, thought it was well done.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

OOOH,what a devilish question!

I realize you were saving space by not denoting the subtitle-- but those cues are vital read-ins when the characters are switching Languages. DO NOT DO THAT.

Early on you show too much junk.
1) We don't need all of Annie's tricks-- show us the false-bottom handbag and ONLY the false-bottom handbag (let the knife be an ass-kicking surprise); the imagery of Annie sharpening her boot-knife stuck with me, so when she went for her handbag I didn't understand why/what's going on.
2) Annie cycling. Show her leaving, show her arriving-- but leave the B-footage for the editors; two of the scenes there have duplicate SLUGLINES without any actual change in the scene...


**okay I've had to leave and comeback, it's been about 12 hours-- and this is what sticks with me... unfocused, with too much detail to nothing early on; once Mark found the plot condenses, and the story is strong. excellent title.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I love the opening as she gets ready and all the nifty spy stuff she has. I like how visual it is and I like her character. I got lost when trying to figure out exactly what was going on on the first read- it was just a bit confusing but all espionage kind of stuff is. I like the action and she is a really cool character.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Well-written with dramatic moments of real power, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was all highly familiar, I was waiting for something that would take the story to a new level and surprise me. And, unfortunately, the shock value in the ending wasn't enough to do that, at least not for me.

David Serra (Level 4)

Interesting premise though you have a few writing errors.

Ex: When you introduce Mark you should name him right away since he already has a name.

Overall, Fair.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

What a clever punchline, period piece. The writing was top notch, the story genre, or sub whatever, war, the resistance, (I thought she was French but the German "as you English say." small deal.) Nazi bashing is awesome, but there's nothing to this that makes it different.

Reminds me of Inglorious Basterds. Good job altogether. Nice.

Eric Boshart (Level 2)

I enjoyed the script very much. It was bold, dynamic, and World War II scripts are always intriguing. The descriptions were very well written, and I enjoyed how much tact you ut into the opening scene, the most important scene of the whole picture. The only problem I had was that I had to go back a couple of times to understand the full picture, such as how he got the radio channel (I'm guessing someone betrayed the lady, hence the last scene). And I didn't understand the 'coded response' remark. However, I liked the descriptions, it was just overall well-written. Nicely done!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Great story. This entry earned a VERY GOOD from me. Here are a few comments:

I believe that pores should be pours.

It is not necessary to use CONT'Ds in dialogue. If you are using Final Draft you can turn this feature off.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A woman meets a spy during WW II

ENDING: The fade out to the sound of the zipper was a solid visual. We didn't have to see it, but we all imagined it. The callback to old chum was nicely done. The girl's behavior suggested she was overly prepared to play hero. FADE OUT missing.

VG

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Very well written piece with interesting characters and steady progression.
I liked it a lot.
"Talking in codes" - is she talking about this very phrase "left of right old chum"? Maybe I don't know what "talking in codes" means because I'm international. Or maybe she had better say something else, something that would tell us that he speaks old-fashioned English. Maybe that's what "talking in codes" means.
It's a great script I think.

Kisha King (Level 4)

The beginning is good but it seems to take away from the rest of the story. The middle and end seems very interesting and gives the story a little excitement. I really like the story the crisis, showdown and the realization really bring the story out.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story turned ugly pretty quickly. Interesting twist. Not at all what's expected.
Not entirely clear on the mission these two are on. It's France (according to the map under the rug); Annie seems to be part of the resistance movement, Mark is a German masquerading as an American or as a Brit? The message mentioned supplies, but what's Mark have in the rucksack? If Annie's going to send them, maybe important papers?
Confused what her uttering means, "A sleep I shall have. A rest I shall have." But the rapid exchange of comments; her, "Speak French," coupled with his, "Speak bloody English," is terrific. Thought for sure these two were headed for a steamy love scene...
Mark addressing Annie as "old chum" doesn't seem to fit, but her repetition of the same line indicating his...um...anatomy...is riveting. That "sound of a zipper" is squirm-worthy. Yikes.
Title is a good fit, except it's probably missing the comma after "Right," right?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is a pretty fantastic story. You've got interesting characters with back-story that you don't waste time spelling out.

You tell us that Annie speaks in French with subtitles twice.

Excellent.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Oh, left or right testicle! I get it. Sorry, I'm slow, but now I like the title better.

This was good espionage type stuff. I was a bit thrown that you mentioned a radio transmitter, but she would use a receiver to get a message. Also it seems like it would have to hiss something other than static for her to decode. I know it's nit-picky, but it slowed me down a bit trying to figure it out.

I liked this, though. It was pretty exciting to read. Thanks.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Just in five pages you managed to put a lot of action and content. Lot's going on, very interesting. It reads like a mini movie. I really enjoyed reading it. I think you've done a great job.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's a mysterious and colorful setup, with Annie packing a pincic lunch and a pistol. There's first the threat of discovery and then the threat of real violence. We're happy when she gets the upper hand over the Man.

While the color worked at first (French, English, German) it started slipping by the end - I couldn't hear German or French accents, only a hodge-podge of British. ("old chum" might be the kicker.) I also got mixed up as to where they were or what nationality Annie was supposed to be - is she British, French, with the Resistance? I can't figure out if the coded message was a setup (unlikely) but if not, how did this German take the wounded Englishman's place?

It raises a lot of questions, and maybe I'm just not sharp enough to see the answers. Still, it's well written, a nice little period piece.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

This screenplay looks professionally written, all described through visuals instead of dialogue. I wish all other screenplays looked like this. I did not notice any grammar or formatting errors either. The pacing is somewhat tight, except for a few gerunds. Those are easy fixes though. The characters are developed well.

I feel a sense of déjà vu. It seems like this script is similar to anther script, but I could be wrong though. Your dialogue is real, Anne uses a codebook to locate her family. It took me a while to figure out this, because I didn't know much about radio transmition and codebooks, then a stranger tries to take it away from her after she took care of him. You see how manipulative people can be when they want everything for themselves? The central conflict of this story is executed well.

Did she cut his penis off? That got to hurt. I’m still wondering what the code book is in this script. I might have overlooked this and didn’t know what’s inside, unntil I read the begnning when the code read searching for her grandfather.

Then again, the two fighting for their lives through a codebook is original to me. The man was a likable character, and I still think that he is, even though he's the antagonist. Other than this, this story is an Excellent read.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought this was a good story, told well in parts. I liked your lead protagonist, she was strong and patriotic with good motives.

The beginning was stronger than the ending imho. I feel like you left us hanging (no pun intended). I felt like something was missing at the end. I wanted a stronger finish to the story.

As I said, the beginning was strong, if you can match the ending to the beginning, this will be really very good.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Great ending. The whole story was quite good. My only comment would be that it moved kind of slowly at first, until the fight scene, really. For example, we see her using the code book, which is fine, because it's an issue later when Mark demands to see it. But we don't need to see her look up the coordinates corresponding to B3. It's more detail than we need. And her bicycle trip (humming a French tune) could be eliminated. Maybe just show her arriving on her bike or something. The conversation in the field seemed unnecessarily long, too.

But these things aren't really a big deal. Once they got back to the farm house the pace picked up and it was fine, but it just felt (to me) like it was dragging a bit at first. And the pay-off at the end was well worth a slow start.

Overall, I really liked it.

My score: Very Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/1/2012 12:13 AM

Whoo hoo MJ! You're on a roll!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2012 12:19 AM

Congrats MJ!!!! You rock the MP

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 12:38 AM

There is really something to this bionic thing!! Congrats MJ!!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 12:40 AM

Congrats MJ! Great script!

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 12:53 AM

Congratulations on your first place.
(And...thanks for your kind comments about my animated story this month. I've yet to make a leader board here, so your enthusiasm for my moth-and-frog tale is appreciated very much.)

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 5/1/2012 12:59 AM

Did I just rate a first place script an Excellent? That's pretty neat, I think.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 6:30 AM

Thanks girls! And Reg!

I had fun writing this and I'm truly surprised at the result!

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 7:55 AM

CONGRATULATIONS! You're a rockstar! :)

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 8:06 AM

Yeah!! Congrats!

Dave Kunz (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2012 6:30 PM

Re-read your script, MJ, and I clearly did not give you enough credit for a powerful and imaginative ending (perhaps I was just too traumatized by that final sound cue). Well done, you deserved the win. And I'm totally jealous of you for living in Bath.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 5/28/2012 5:39 PM

Finally got around to reading this. Can't say there isn't tension that's for sure. Terrific job creating a character I want to read more of!!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 5/30/2012 8:22 AM

Hey Wes, thanks for checking out my shorts,(ooh er!), I got really excited when the emails came in telling me I had 'script comments'!