Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Some parts of this I liked and some parts I didn't care for. I liked the dialogue of the Magpie comparing the pine tree to a house. Some of the urban references just seemed out of place unless you made that a part of the story. A decent story though.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I really enjoy the creativity of your script. It's got a nice feel to it and the characters have their own distinct voices.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I think everything's wonderful until the last lines from magpie. Only reason I saw this is that until that point, I could see Pixar or some such studio being interested in making it as a kid's short...the last bit would eliminate it from that category, I think. Otherwise, very nice!

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

It's cute, but I don't get the ending. Does he fall in love with the scarecrow? Nicely written, though.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Really exciting premise. Nice characters but they flattened out as your story went on. It was like the story started to struggle when you started to execute the "task" of the three objects. I also had trouble understanding the Magpie "yoda-esque" dialogue from time to time but I love the faity-tale style that you are going for. Nice job.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Aw, I love Magpie! The dialogue at the end is very funny - these guys must truly life a whole lifetime in one day! I thought this was great and a very original idea, very well done, description nicely flowed and had great style. My only quibble is I couldn't quite get a handle on Magpie's accent - but that's really a very minor thing.

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

Excellent characters each with unique voices. Maybe Pixar will pick it up for one of their little shorts.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very imaginative and enjoyable. This was really creative. Nice work.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

I was caught off guard with this one. Your descriptions i felt were great and detailed enough. But the story was something that slowly grew on me.

Also your dialogue had its own language, so i guess you did well with all three.

But as of now, i like it. I may have to reread to see what if it has the same effect.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Neat story, interesting characters. The writing and dialogue are good.

Had a little trouble with some of the lines, though:

Is this dialogue?
MAGPIE
Open-beaked with surprise, me!

Not sure what that means.
I like the characters, situation and resolution, however, knowing the topic of the month, it was a tad predictable.

Nonetheless, good job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is certainly a unique idea.

I love your craft. The descriptions and dialogue are great.

However, the story left me wanting more and I just didn't care that much about these characters.

I did love the "Gollum" reference.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

First off, this is very cute little animal story! I thought it rang with some Disney with all the creatures and the description.

A couple of things I noticed. You used the CAP thing accept for words like BABBLING and CACKLING maybe they should be caps too??

I don't know the term higgedly-piggedly and it made me stop and thing. I think its a cute term, must unfamiliar to me.

When Mrs. Magpie had her mouth full and was talking that was as cute as can be.

Very good use of the props and a fun story!

Good job and good luck!

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

I loved this! It was really funny and had great dialog! I loved the unique voices; I think it really brought out the characters. “Precious! My precious…” LOL!!! I loved the end; “It’s been quite a day…” No kidding! Great job! :D

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Hmmm...Good visuals and interesting characters, but the story didn't offer much drama or conflict. It was more like a day in the life of a Magpie, ho hum.

I just kept waiting for something to happen. It did have a little bit of an interesting twist at the end, but not enough to make up for the whole story.

Ideally we are kept wondering "what's going to happen next" but I just kept wondering "what's going to happen" and left waiting.

Your writing is good and colorful and fun to read.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This was a fun short, I thought it was pretty good. A minor gaffe in the dialogue.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

The character development was fantastic, and the author's ear for dialect/dialogue- enviable. Great stuff. No one who's ever decorated with someone else "in charge" is going to fail to feel sympathy!

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

I guess the personification was illustrative of a husband's exasperation with a demanding wife. But it is interesting and entertaining, even though it really doesn't grab me - maybe it's my unfamiliarity with magpies, but I scored it good nonetheless.

John Foley (Level 4)

It was an interesting idea to use animal and forest characters.

Kirk White (Level 5)

giving it a very good! cute clever piece. could go animation or old school claymation. I'd love to see this one! I actually have a collegue who does stop motion animation, get in contact with me after the contest and I'll give you his contact info.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I liked how you animated the birds, tree and scarecrow. You've given them all a good personality. I'd like to see if Magpie decides to return to the Mrs. and the pine tree or decides to stay with his new friend.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I liked this. I especially liked the begining - you had a cheery vibe going there. However, I thought the ending was a bit of a letdown. I'm not really sure what to suggest as an improvement but the marital problems with Mrs. Magpie just didn't work for me. If you wanted to do that you should have at least foreshadowed them.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Loved the characters and your writing style, especially the dialogue, is very colorful and suits the story well. Some rather vague references to other stories in here, but for the most part doesn't detract from the story being told. My only complaint, perhaps, is that it seems to fizzle out at the end. Nothing really happens and the action more-or-less dies out. That said, I have a sneeky suspicion we'll being seeing this one in the top 3 this month!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I really enjoyed your writing and your imagination here.

I "watched" this in my head as animated while reading. I truly enjoyed it. If I have to complain about anything it would be the ending.

I would have preferred some sort of happy ending or at least where the vibe was similar to earlier in the script. The ending as it is now just seems to come from a bitter writer... I hope that's not true. I will still give this a Very Good.

Pia :-)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Interesting and refreshingly original. I liked the way you cast the voices to their representatives. My biggest problem was with the transitions. For instance, on page 3, Magpie flies off and soon returns with Mrs. Magpie. What are we watching while they're gone? Then, when Magpie flies off to collect the challenge items -- we go with him and return pretty easily but the visuals don't seem to there in the script. Even if you intended for this to be animated, the reader should be able to visualize what is happening as the action unfolds on the page. Still, it was a pleasant read. Maybe needed a touch more drama to build to a climax. What if a neighboring pine tree had a really sharp lookin nest and Magpie promised a bigger, better one? Just something to give the audience to root for or against by the end of the film. Nice work with this.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I liked how you opened the story. You gave me a clear setting of the story.

However, the story seemed to lack drama or conflict. I felt that you overdid the "cuteness" which became a little irritating.

I felt nothing for the tree or the magpies.

What is it about the magpies or the tree that we should like or hate?

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Great story, would be a fun animated short film. I love the characters, they're alive and pop off the page/screen.

Good entertaining use of the button, coin and ring.

I love Magpie, he's funny and very colorful (even though he's black and white).

How did you think this up? I'm amazed at the great stories that come to people's minds. Loved it

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Eh. A good story and not my cup of tea. You had a big word in there that through me for a loop. Called out for the magpie to save me from fall out of the story, yet he was too busy collecting items and could not. I fell hard on that big word and became disengaged in the story. Good writing yet not my slice of pie.

Spencer

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

That was cute. The writing was nice and pacing to match. Great read and nice story.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Magpies rock! I enjoyed everything about this script. Great title. Fun, non-human characters with a lot of personality. Snappy dialog. Great sense of humor. Imaginative. Colorful prose. I even forgive you for including "my precious" which was a bit much. I think this is a winner.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Colorful descriptions without being over done. Liked the voicing of the magpies, the prim and proper pine tree and the scarecrow...Loved the feng shui comment...Cute.

Terry Huskey (Level 2)

I liked the idea of the story and the action lines were clear and easy to visualize. But I was lost with some of the Dialog.

The ending I thought was a little strange and left some question unanswered. But then again, only so much will fit within 5 pages.

All in all, with a little work this cute story could be an exellent read.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I liked the Scarecrow, though it seems he likes friendship over his purpose. I feel this was the best part of this script, the interaction between him and the Magpie.

Nothing else really stood out for me in this script. I didn't care much for the Magpies or the Pine Tree.

William Coleman (Level 5)

This is a pleasant little fable. I liked the dialog and the ease of your story telling. You used the three props well, too.
\The story tended to be a narratuve rather than a conflicted drama - yes, Mr. Magpie disagrees with Mrs. and leaves her, but I felt that aspect could have been a littler stronger. The whole effect seemed just a little tame and bland. Much would depend on how animators would bring this to llife.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/14/2007 10:47 AM

Honestly, I was shocked to find out this script was from you. I'm not sure why, but it feels like such a departure for you. Still, it's very cool to see you trying different styles.