Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title. It's not quite alliterative but it looks good on paper.

"The faces of the mannequin children...". This is misleading. I immediately thought the children were mannequins. Upon further reading I am correct, but I shouldn't have to guess at the meaning behind your adjectives.

"splitting image" should be "spitting image".

Who/what is the Alex mannequin? You haven't introduced it.

Joe meets a real life hero and he backs away because he needs a drink? Feels forced.

I don't understand your ending. If Joe came to Phantom's world, then he's not in any danger and he didn't conquer any challenges.

Why the trailed off ending?

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Nice writing. Interesting idea just felt like I needed a little more to it. I really like the concept of a comic book story coming to real life or him (Joe) going into this comic book world (reminds me of Last Action Hero). At first, I wasn't quite sure why he was picking on Alex -- I thought Joe was the bully. The final third of the script felt like you ran out of steam. I enjoyed the opening, and some the dialogue between Platinum Phantom and Joe was witty.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

You really like to test boundaries! All those mannequins...it felt as though you were unable to write a script with only two characters so you turned the cast into mannequins!

Spitting image not splitting image.

the Alex mannequin? What Alex mannequin?

I'm afraid this confused me and confused me some more despite a number of reads...and it didn't seem to have an ending...

It was a shame that explanations came in expositionary speeches.

It IS an interesting concept but needs a serious rewrite to make it worthy of the idea behind it!

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I thought it had an interesting perspective and as a non reader of this kind of subject matter, it felt original to me. The intro of Alex confused me at first until you explain it later, perhaps this could be done in a less perplexing way. I know Joe is supposed to be precocious but his dialogue felt beyond his years.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

The writing needs streamlined.
--The black screen. That means we can't see anything (the screen is BLACK. DARK. BLANK!), we can hear, but there's nothing to see. It's a BLACK SCREEN!
--WRITE QUICKER. there's too much space used up with frivolous details we can't see all of Joe and Plat's character-- like Joe & the bully, first he's swatting flies, and then he really gets into his new freedom-- he does the classic 'stop punching yourself'; same with Plat, I'd like to see more acting.

Story-wise I like it. Villainous kid learns a lesson-- rich material for a larger script.

David Serra (Level 4)

This has a few good points, though it does seem a little uneven in places. Also, I think this need some tweaking here and there.

As-is...Another inside out take on superheroes...

Fair

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This is a difficult challenge, but this isn't bad for a dialogue driven script, especially if you enjoy comic book characters. They're okay with me.

The writing is tight, and it was a crisp read. Good job.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Good story but the writing was distracting because so many pronouns were missing. For example: Thumbs to Alex. Huh? I'm not sure what this means? Whose thumbs?

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A boy genius wants to be a sidekick for a superhero.

ENDING: The set up does not mesh well with the ending. Joe revealed himself too early and the sidekick dialogue felt like filler. FADE OUT is right justified.

GOOD.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title sets the tone very well - good choice.
Craft - your craft is very good. One minor point is "fade out" should be on the right and have a period after it.
Dialogue - the dialogue is good, realistic and believable for these characters.
Action lines - your action lines are good, clear and descriptive.
Story - the story is light, fun and enjoyable.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"Toasts the Platimum Phantom" I had to read that a couple of times to understand what you were talking about.

I didn't get it. I thought the boy was going to be MasterMind or whatever he was called. The whole being in one world but really being in another confused me. Not enough space to make that pop.

A little confusing at times, I like the dialogue for the most part. I wish PP sounded more heroic. Like an exagerrated Captain America. Would have been cool.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I loved the way it started. I think you can do more with that setup. Joe wants to punish a bully and... It was a bit talky for me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A new and interesting comic super-hero. Creative, and quite an imagination on display here.
Probably need to streamline. There seems to be more than a single storyline. Since all of Joe's classmates are mannequins, it's important that the information is clear at the beginning. "The faces of the mannequin children" indicates a mannequin-type look on the kid's faces, as opposed to a statement that everyone, including Mrs. Grendeko, is a mannequin.
Joe's relationship with the Platinum Phantom is a good story. They're obviously meeting for the first time, and there needs to be a bit more action between them. There's some potential conflict, they discuss the threat of Psychobrain, but the two characters end talking. Maybe give the actors something "active" to do while Joe and Plat talk.
The title is a perfect fit.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like this idea but it gets confused and complicated towards the end.

You refer to the mannequin he swats at first as "random mannequin" and then "Alex mannequin".

"a dimensional portal between two dimensions"
Why repeat yourself (unless this is a joke about comic book writing that I don't get)? Just "a portal between two dimensions" would suffice.

Joe doesn't really talk like a contemporary 13 year old ("dude" and "wicked" especially stand out as dated).

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This is really good, but I didn't get what happened at the end. Sorry.

The dialog and action was very vivid. Great craft.

My only suggestion is that "dimensional" is not needed in "dimensional portal between two dimensions."

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

started off like a twilight zone episode, really creepy.

Got a little lost with all the explanations and felt let down that it didn't continue with its creepy vibe.

it also felt like there were more than 2 characters even though they were just mannequins.

lots of imagination - or too many comics!

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The idea is original. Why the title is "PP #1", not just "PP"?

At first I thought the kids are alive because you mention their voices.
The reel's film feed flaps - that's a cliche.
At first you say it's dark and we can't see the kids, then you describe Joe was reading a comic book, etc, so I thought it was dark and wasn't possible to see anything. So it wasn't dark? Are the lights on now? Because everything you say (teacher's desk) I might not see.
The idea is interesting but the story itself is about nothing. They talk how they are going to save the world but they don't move an inch. And just their conversation in general is scattered and doesn't have much meaning, as if you just didn't know how to fill the pages. I hope my notes help.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I like the basic idea: that a kid supervillain has trapped this character into being his own personal superhero in an alternate dimension. I like that you can't quite get a grasp on the action, as if anything might happen next. And the inital setup is awesomely creepy.

Still, the narration is lying to us - Joe's not afraid, he shouldn't be double-taking, and, frankly, why is he playing at being this bullied kid if he is, in fact, a supervillain? What did the movie at the beginning have to do with anything? I think the initial setup is interesting enough - to then jump around this superhero-dimension-shifting business feels like throwing away a great thing.

Maybe if you took the start and ran with it, instead of making it more random, you might really have something here.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

Ambitious premise butnot sure whether you pulled it off. If Joe is to be Psychobrain, then the first couple of scenes do not make sense since he was reacting in ways that clearly showed he wasn't. Or is it all a dream sequence? In which case the classroom characters are real and you then have too many characters. All in all a bit muddled.

By the way, if everyone is supposed to be pre teen, then why is Joe 13?

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Before I read this, there’s a lot of chunks in your description. You can try tightening them up to three lines, but I suppose that four is good enough. I also see that you didn’t introduce the audience to get disqualified, which is good. Smart move.

You established the classroom well, all visualized through action and description. In some cases, I’m not sure if you really needed to describe the unseen audience though.

So basically this story is about a kid whose problems with bullies receives consoling from a talking comic book name Platinum Phantom. It is basic, but has little story to tell with two characters. It is a little preachy though, but overall, it is well told.

The dialogue is good though, and the kid’s motivation is defined. He’s a good kid who wants to get revenge against bullies, so he decides to steal cash and the like form other students. The stakes are good enough though, although it can be a bit stronger with more action in the classroom. I think you should have the kid to mess up the classroom or something to unleash his anger out, and then have the talking comic book to get him to stop. The story would be stronger that way, and it will add more emotion to the story.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

A little non-climactic for me, but it's decent. Joe's attitude is cool though. I got a bit lost on the whole phantom seeming helpless and all. This short seems perfect for a twilight zone episode, outer limits or radio masterpiece theatre. A full script of this had best be full of danger and adventure against psycobrain! :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was fun, and I liked the whole concept of it. The story moved forward pretty well until we met Platinum, then there seemed to be a lot more talking than action. When you start having talking heads, it's hard to not lose interest. But this was fun, and very visual at the beginning. I gave you a very good. One of very few this month.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A pretty cool idea, the comic book world meeting head on with the real world. But I had a really hard time following the story. Psychobrain, and the dummy army that wasn't sent (so who were the dummies in school?), and all that -- I honestly couldn't follow it. The only thing I'm pretty sure of is that it's a story about a kid who somehow finds himself in a comic book story.

I struggled to understand what was going on right from the beginning, but I started getting really confused on Page 2. "The next page has empty artwork." I get that -- the story is still unfolding. But then, "An image fades on the first panel." I don't get that. I assume it means the past is disappearing, but why?

But I guess it all comes down to a question Joe asks on Page 3, "How come?" I had the same question throughout. And the Platinum Phantom's answer just wasn't enough to help me make sense of the story, "Because that's how a twisted mind works." And then the ultimate solution turns out to be (I think) that Joe has entered Platinum Phantom's comic book dimension and not vice versa, so everything is okay. I REALLY don't get that. (Maybe I'm just a one-dimensional guy.)

Anyway, at its core, this is a pretty good idea, but the story was way over my head.

My score: Good.

Comments Made After the Contest