Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title.

"clearly a man who relishes his role as gatekeeper." Can you describe this visually?

Spell out numbers in dialogue.

I'm hooked on Roddy's interest in the cell phone.

"(marks then shows paper)" Put this in an action line.

Dialogue is well written and flows across the page.

"mimics ‘See what I mean?” I'm unfamiliar with this hand gesture.

"The 10:50 comment". Should be "1:50". Well...it should be "one fifty".

I like how the dialogue cuts off the action. "before he stops him with: [dialogue]" I've never seen this style of writing. I'll be sure to use it in future scripts.

Great story. A job interview, and the pressures therein, is something we can all relate to. Providing for us and our families is a primal need and you tapped into that vein.

One scene. Would be very easy to film.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I thought that was really good. Excellent dialogue. The goal didn't feel forced; it felt like two strangers meeting. Interesting idea. I did find my mind wondering off a bit during the dialogue, but that mostly due to my own small attention span. I actually really liked this one. Great job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought that this was quite interesting! I got the feeling that it wasn't visually entertaining but was sustained by an interesting concept and good dialogue.

I did find the use of the word tangible, intangibles repetitive!

I liked the smart ending.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I thought this was well done and with an exceptional twist. The subject matter was imaginative and delivered with style. There was a bit of block dialogue but it didn't really impact flow and pace in my opinion.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

What's with the "my" in the title-- it's not first person, so why 'my'?

It starts off great. Roddy seems like the devil-- or some secret society Don-- or maybe a psychologist that likes to play games. It's intriguing, I want to read more!

So then, Neil turns the cellphone over [WITHOUT getting an answer to the question-- very bad by my count] and then it gets PERSONAL -- oooh, is this going to be extortion?

And now it's reached the critical point. First he quits. AND then he answers the question [stupid, stupid Neil]...so now is when things should start to resolve itself-- either Neil has this big gush and tells us about the girl, his life, why he wants this position.

EXCEPT, he doesn't.

Nor does Roddy point out Neil's faults and tell him why he isn't worthy for the position.

There's two things wrong with this ending:
[1] the best part of this script is the mystery (what is the position)-- I feel like you dropped the ball here.
[2] No resolution. Does Neil get his second chance-- did Roddy shake his hand?

David Serra (Level 4)

This played out just like an interview that could happen in real life. I was expecting something strange or surprising to happen.

As is...needs work.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I thought this began very well, and it's a good hook with this being on the news with employers wanting facebook passwords.

Unfortunately from there it dragged, and ultimately left me confused. Very confused. Sorry.

Eric Boshart (Level 2)

The way they interacted with each other was absolutely superb. I really hope this gains recognition. If you could write a whole screenplay with those types of conversations, it would really make for some nice dynamics. It questions the art of the question, which is intriguing to say the least. I would like to see how the interview pans out after all of this. Moreover, I would like to see how many of the candidates did what Neil did. Well done.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Well written script that I thoroughly enjoyed. This entry earned an excellent from me.

My only comment would be about showing time in dialogue. Instead of 1:50, write out one-fifty. Remember, when using a number in dialogue, the script should write out the number unless the number is a date.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A candidate arrives early for a job interview

ENDING: The ending could have benefited from a closeup of Neil's face before turning around and saying his final line.

VG

Greg Dietz (Level 3)

Very enjoyable. Your characters are engaging and well defined, Roddy especially. I liked the off-kilter interview and Roddy's focus on "intangibles" (though I noticed you have him say "tangibles" once--was this deliberate, or a typo?).

Some of the dialogue could be tightened up a bit. For example, you don't need both "No one shows up late for a job interview," and "Every candidate has been early." That is, however, the extent of my criticism. Well done!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - The title works well for this story. When I read the title, I instantly thought of an appointment so you outlined the story with just a short title.
Craft - your craft is flawless!
Dialogue - the dialogue is natural and believable.
Action lines - your action lines are fine; clear and concise.
Story - I like this a lot. I think most people can relate to being in a position where you are not being treated well but are afraid to say anything because the other person has the power in the situation.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked the idea - I think it's very intelligent in a way.
He comes at 1:50, the appointment isn't very successful, so he kind of comes again. The idea is quirky.
I think you could cut a lot of dialog. At times I couldn't understand what they were referring to. Like on p4 there's "10:50 comment. Interesting choice" - couldn't understand what Neil was referring to.
Anyway I enjoyed it in the end.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A unique premise. Because he arrived early, Neil gets a do-over at the end.
Good contrast between Roddy and Neil. Neil seems appropriately annoyed at the invasion of privacy, and Roddy seems earnest in his questioning.
Most of Roddy's information is quite catchy, but there is a lot of talking between these two guys. Perhaps tightening some of the lengthier passages could speed up the pace.
Did wonder about Neil's last phone call to a woman who's "watching my daughters." Roddy admits seeing Brooke's name and phone number when he checks Neil's phone, yet Roddy asks Neil, "What was the last call you made before you came in here?" There's the inference that there is no Mrs. Brennen, further reinforced when Roddy asks Neil, "What will you tell her?" The subtext is intriguing.
The title fits. Perhaps using "The" or "A" would make a stronger statement than "My."

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the mind games the two characters play. While the dialogue got quite wordy, it was still fun to see how intensely they took this basic interaction.

I also liked how you didn't stretch plausibility too much (after all, some interviewers ask candidates for their facebook passwords), and didn't make this character test the entire interview.

Very good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Nice work!

This was really interesting and fun. I really felt for Neil as I read.

The only criticism I have is that it felt a bit too much like a skit to me. That's not necessarily bad, but a skit just doesn't usually engage me deeply enough for me to vote excellent. I'm on the fence here, though.

Oh yeah, great ending.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

My head's spinning after that.

I think this is one of those scripts that will work much better as an actual film that it does on paper. it needs strong actors to bring all that heavy dialogue and the thoughts behind it to life.

I found it quite hard to read, it didn't spring to life for me and the characters seemed a bit samey.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I wonder what kind of job was that.
The title is good.
No formatting errors. The dialog is fine.
The story is unusual, original. I really hated this guy Roddy. Who he thinks he is? Oh, he's the boss. The whole story is over the top, I don't think potential employers go through phones of people they haven't even hired yet. But it's entertaining, original.
Very Good job!

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

I thought the premise was very interesting. But at the end, I couldn't figure out whether the writer is going for humour, drama, suspense or what. In other words, the nice surprise at the end really in a sense didnt have anything to do with the narrative that went before it. It almost felt as if there were two stories wanting to get out of the script: one about some guy with an odd interview method and the other about what happens when the potential prospectn is interacting with someone who is the interviewer but he didnt know.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Since Neil leaves the office, the (O.S.) should indicate that the interviewer can no longer see him. That should be next to Neil’s name. Other than this, I did not notice any grammar or formatting errors.

The surprise twist at the end of the movie, where the interview has not even started yet, is cheesy and very, very unexpected. The conflict where he either thinks that the interview has started, or the two pretended that the interview did not start is original and a strong conflict. I just feel that the incident where the interviewer shredded the questionnaire paper is forced. Maybe you can have Ruddy about to rip the paper as Neil walks out the office back and forth, and he may be nervous as to rather he should take the interview or not.

Your action lines are visual, I did not see any telling instead of showing in the screenplay. The characters are strong, and the office description is kept to a minimum. This feel s like a full story, and I can imagine this Comedy screenplay being filmed. I just think that you can add a little bit more conflict to the story to make this an excellent read.

The only thing I see that needs improvement is you should have Ruddy to fake the paper tear, or have her not rip the paper at all. The dialogue is real too, by the way.

Robert L McBride (Level 2)

This was Okay. It had me intrigued in some parts. But I was disappointed by the ending. It didn't resonate with me. Although I did like how you gave your characters a different voice. But it would of been great to know what kind of company it was or AT LEAST what job NEIL was going for.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think this could be much stronger with a lot less dialogue. You've got these two men talking and talking, and after a few pages I felt my mind and eyes wander. You need something to keep your audience interested and there were times when this just wandered a little too much.

The ending was pretty clever though. More of that!

Except I don't buy that the whole conversation up until that point, only took five minutes.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is extremely well written, the dialogue is great, the conversation is sharp and logical, and the whole thing flows along nicely...but I found it all kind of dull. Sort of like, um, a job interview.

The very end redeemed it a little. Nice shot at a do-over by Neil. But (for me) it just wasn't enough to rescue this. I mean, really, it's a job interview. A little quirky, yes, but to tell you the truth I've heard of a lot of real-world job interview techniques that are actually quirkier.

Also, it was not really a surprise that this "pre-interview" was actually the real interview. I suspected that when you presented a 60-year-old, distinguished-looking man acting as gatekeeper at a desk outside "what appears to be the main office". Any time I read "what appears to be" in a script, I immediately suspect it's not.

Anyway, I did enjoy reading it. Your writing is great.

My score: Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 8:30 AM

I picked this one to win. It's easy to film, enjoyable, and the dialogue flowed.

Chris Setten (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2012 10:14 AM

I gave it an Excellent, one of my top picks.