Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Great transition from the opening scene to the living room. I'll have to try that sometime.

Angela's exit needs to be it's own scene. It's a new camera location.

I question the use of a polaroid, but this could be any time period. Plus, it negates any time wasting scenes of Gray uploading and printing the photos.

"Gray’s eyes light up, an idea strikes". Omit "an idea strikes". This is implied by Gray's eyes.

No dash in "ice-cream". Two separate words.

I like where this is going. I questioned Angela's composure when she saw Gray's photo board (any other woman would freak out) but it's starting to make sense.

"She’s had enough!" Omit this line. Her demeanor says it all.

It's a cute story with a happy ending.

I applaud your bold decision to shun dialogue, but it may be a tough sell to filmmakers.

I really like how the title ties in with the ending.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Great idea for a short. Title matches the story, so that's pretty cool. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes. The story was easy to follow and understand. No real suspense in the story; I could see the ending coming. But in all, it was a really good story.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

In one of such houses lives INT.LIVING ROOM? (You don't need to tell us that someone lives in one of the houses...)

I think it's pretty close to the edge of the rules here to have an icecream truck and Gary buying cones. So who hands them to him? Who's driving the truck? More than two characters. You really didn't need to do this in the story. Be careful!

I liked the story idea though - very cute. I liked the lack of dialogue, too. This would be a fun film to watch.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

Interesting take on age and perspective. I thought it was effective and could see it play out on film. I'm not sure whether a dialogue-less approach is the optimal way to go but I think your writing was good enough to overcome that hurdle.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It's strange. We know the characters' names because they've been written, but the movie audience will never know.

I don't SEE the emotion as well as I did last month's silent entry. For instance, when Angela's wig comes off she's embarrassed-- but how? Is she girlish about it and try to hide (and how does she hide-- like and ostrich or does she use her hand like a shield?) -or- is she a bullish sort of person and grins and bares it?

This is a screenplay, there should be ACTION and not just a bland report on the character's reaction.

Christopher Barnes (Level 1)

Interesting premise but I am not sure it it met the mark. I love your initial descriptions - very good - but I expect the story to be told more through dialogue rather than so much narration. As the reader I think I wanted to experience the interactions rather than be told what was happening at each point. I know how hard it is to write these 5 page exercises so kudos on the effort - it just needs a bit more development, dialogue and polish.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

At first, I wasn't exactly sure why you had to mention the "perfect yards" and the "perfect houses". It's description that I think isn't neccesary. The Polaroid lends me to think rge story takes place ten or more years ago, (as Instant Polaroid cameras are more like antiques in this day and age) - but I wondered about something. Gray and Angela aren't supposed to have met, called, conversed with each other. But they live across the street from another. Gray seems to have watched her for some time.

While you don't actually mention the third character, it would be nearly impossible NOT to see him. Yes, I'm talking about the Ice Cream Man. He drives by, Gray gets ice cream treats from him (as Gray has to be handed the snacks and pay in a visual that is oddly left out)-- but as I read, I was curious as to why you didn't have Gray be the Ice Cream Man. Could be his first day on the Ice Cream job; the two can meet that way. It might also be less creepy.

The stuff with the wig and contact lens was interesting. I wondered where you were going with it. But there were loads of colons and semi-colons that made for pauses, slowing down the read.

No--I didn't really get it. Maybe someone else will.

David Serra (Level 4)

Strong move to not use dialogue. The overall story is cute and the conflict is genuine.

Overall I think this is Good. The pace is appropriate and the characters shine.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Every now and then there's a script where I don't understand the story very well. This seems to be one of them.

The writing was tight, but I think all the action was what confused me. I thought Angela would think he was a stalker. Unusual romance at least.

Eric Boshart (Level 2)

I think that this script might be a little too simplistic. First off, where is the dialogue! I would have really liked to see them communicate. It seemed like they were mimes with the exaggerated gestures. I didn't enjoy that part very much. You broke up the descriptions in short and concise paragraphs, which I enjoyed. There was nothing really going on in the script, but the message was clear, which is important.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Interesting. No dialogue.

I found it hard to believe in the characters. A few comments...

On page one: “The door to it opens...” When I read further I was able to answer my question but, as as read this I wondered what door was opening? The door for the house across the street, or the door to Gray's living room.” Like I said, I figured it out later, but it did take me out of the script.

Proofread. On page four: “He takes OF his jacket.” Should be: “He takes OFF his jacket.”

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A handsome young man learns a pretty woman has the same secret he does.

ENDING: Both characters learned something! Cute with a message. For some reason, I thought the actions and lack of dialogue make it a candidate for a stage play.

VG

Jason Dennis (Level 1)

An interesting concept, but I really couldn't get over the lack of dialogue. The story kind of demanded dialogue and the contest didn't prohibit its use, so I couldn't quite figure that part out. Overall, I found it to be cute, but lacking depth or emotional engagement.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Particularly fond of no-dialogue or minimal dialogue stories. There's a strong pull and investment in a mental picture of what's happening onscreen. Terrific colorful description.
Wonder whether Gray and Angela in their 20s may be a bit too old for their behavior. There's a feeling that these two might be experiencing first love at perhaps 15 or 16. The several times that Gray "grabs Angela by the hand and pulls her" seems a little awkward for the age too. The enhancements are a surprise the first time, but some of the impact might be lost when Angela sheds her eyelashes, contacts, and blond curls the second time.
The title is a perfect fit.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like this idea, but I think it loses a lot by being told without dialogue. Maybe it would work as a music video, but I think it would just be really hard for actors to be in these situations without saying anything.

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I thought you did a pretty good job with the no-dialog thing. I could visualize this working pretty well.

This seemed like a skit - which is ok, but just not so profound as to affect me on an emotional level.

I am probably picking this apart more tha was intended, but it seemed odd to me that she would not be freaked out at the stalker-like photo collage. Then it seemed odd that she would be upset that he preferred her with all her fake stuff, when she obviously preferred herself that way.

I don't mean for this to sound so negative. Actually, the craft here was excepional and this would make a funny and entertaining skit.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

A nice message in there.

Took a while getting to it, found it repetitive in places and while I like the visual story-telling some dialogue might have worked well too.

I found it a little creepy in places but I think it has an odd tone due to the lack of dialogue and the guy giggled a lot too which was odd.

Unusual entry.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

On p.1 we find out it's not the first time Gray takes pictures of Angela. It's up to the mods, but I think they are not complete strangers seeing each other for the first time.
Gray sits her down on a nearby bench. He gets his Polaroid and takes her picture. - this makes me think she is literally a doll.
Her reaction to Gray's wall full of pictures is a bit artificial to me. If someone would take me to their house and showed me a wall with my pictures on it (snapped without my consent) I would definitely freak out and take out a pepper spray. And she is flattered!
I get the whole idea of fakeness.
You keep saying things like "He sits her right on the grass", I think it sounds a bit condescending. This sounds like she so unbelievably dumb but pretty (oh, wait, she is not even pretty)
Wait, he's fake too?!
Overall impression - it's a fun read. I like this story. I've heard this concept before, years ago it was in the British news. But still, it's pretty entertaining. The title fits perfectly. It's good that you have a twist at the end.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

Interesting. No dialogue. It could be fun if done as a silent movie, in black and white with all the silent movie mannerisms. The comedy almost lends itself to a silent movie. I presume that this is meant to be a comedy and nothing serious: I get it that it's a comment on appearance and reality etc etc but falling eye lashes and dropped contact lenses is all too comedic to treat seriously. Nevertheless enjoyed it very much.

ps does the ice cream truck guy count as a third character?

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Is she really a doll, or is the word, “doll,” a phrase?

The following slug line on page three could be, “INT. GARY’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY.” I’m not sure if the specific location should be last after the general location. I guess this is a personal style for everyone. Other than this, the pacing and formatting is good. On page five, “he takes of his jacket,” should be, “he takes off his jacket.”

I think it’s pretty funny that her eyelashes gets in the way. The central conflict, where her eyelashes bug her, is a decent conflict. This one nightstand brings forth a Drama-Romance type story. I just found it hard to believe in one-nightstands. I didn’t think they were possible.

The surprise ending was hilarious. Both of the characters are real, the story is touching a bit. This is the second consecutive silent film I read. Is this a conspiracy?

This looks like a full story. You have a beginning, a middle, and an ending. This story also has an irony to it. Angela reveals the fake wig and eyelash, and Gray reveals the fake mustache. I also like the facial expressions that foreshadow their embarrassing secrets.

Overall, this is a good read.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I commend on your ability to keep this s silent short but do feel that you could've wrapped things up a lot sooner.

Once he realises she's got artificial assets, why go to the trouble of asking her to put it back on and take those pictures? Why does she willingly comply to all his demands? Why does a 20 something lady fall for ice-cream? Ice-cream trucks?

The idea behind this is very sweet and I can totally see this as a cute short film with beauty being skin deep and love being blind to physical traits.

I think you could get rid of the middle section and have him take pictures with her, and when faced with the truth he could insist on her to hide it, realise she's hurt and reveal his own truth.

That moment of her wanting to find who he really cares about is the important element in this short, and currently feels a bit weak. Maybe because you've repeated it.

Give this a slight polish and trim it up a bit, this has potential.

The title could be something more catchier and memorable to draw attention to the genre.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I wish there had been some dialogue between the two characters. AS it is, it felt almost like a silent film. Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know. But this was hard to read, so much description going on. And like I mentioned, I would have loved to have some dialogue between them.

The story is cute in parts, no one's as they seem, no one's as perfect as we see them when we're in love. But the story suffered from no dialogue imho.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Cute story with a double twist. Nice.

I enjoyed reading it, but there are a few things that I think could be reworked a little to make it even better, primarily the way these two people interact. For example, on Page 2, Gray "sits her down" and takes her picture. She doesn't think that's odd? No, in fact she doesn't, because "she grins, flattered". (Remember, these people have never met before -- that's the rules of the contest.) Then, he grabs her hand and pulls her toward his house, and first thing after they're inside the house she sees his stalker board and "her lips reach for his cheek". That seems a little sudden to me. A lot of the interplay between Gray and Angela seem like this -- a little forced and unrealistic.

This is a cute idea for a story, and I enjoyed reading it. I think I would have enjoyed it more if the relationship between these two people was a bit more realistic.

My score: Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 12:26 AM

Thanks to all! I'm going to study the reviews later.
This was an animation. That's why no dialog.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 6/20/2012 3:14 AM

Hey I thought this was a cool script. I'm surprised that it didn't rank higher.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 6/21/2012 12:50 AM

Thanks, Reginald.