Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title.

A picnic in the park is a bit of a stretch for a blind date. Unfortunately, with the contest rules we're limited in our location choices.

It's tough to track the voice overs with the dialogue. It feels like I'm reading four characters.

The ending feels flat. I was expecting a Seinfeld skit where both characters like the other, but don't want to expose themselves as a liar. Foolish pride, that sort of thing.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

" A chipmunk that sounds like a frog," is the line of the year. I will probably use that at the bar sometime in the near futre. That made me laugh. Great stuff, dude or dudette. This brought a chuckle to my face. I like how you made the differences between voice overs and spoken dialogue clear. It was easy to follow. Great job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Intriguing title!

I found this quite hard to read with all the VOs - not quite sure why - perhaps too confusing. I think it would be better on screen, more explicable.

I liked the switch of opinions!

Chris Setten (Level 4)

If this was written by a guy then it's genius. I'll assume not. I thought this was a brilliantly insightful study of the psyche as it pertains to the courting process. Delightfully amusing, characters well drawn, dialogue realistic. Bravo.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

I like the story, and how we're getting their personal thoughts

...but...

how will that work visually? In my mind there are two types of VO shots:
1. on the object/scene being commented on.
2. a CU of the character having the thought.

I worry that a simple VO over the scene would get confusing-- because we'd need--HAVE to be able to see the actor's lips the entire time so we'd know what was private and what was said.

CU's would eliminate that kind of confusion-- but it's not scripted with that in mind.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I really liked the idea but I think I would have preferred them falling for each other through their lies. Nothing is more hilarious than a case of mistaken identity. If this was a way to teach Emma a lesson to not judge people by looks than it falls flat- she doesn't seem like she deserves that and where is Leo's lesson? He committed the same crime when he started over analyzing her.

David Serra (Level 4)

Very funny and amusing. Although FADE OUT. should be put at the end I liked the V.O. narration in both characters and the overall quirkiness of the situation.

Good.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This was a fun script that fits this difficult challenge perfectly. Maybe a touch long, a small trim and this will be excellent. Very Good from me however, and I imagine this one will break into the winners circle.

Title is a little "toothy."

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A man and woman meet on an unconsummated blind date

ENDING: Sad and cute at the same time. A chance for a slap in the face ending. No FADE OUT at end.

If character facial traits are important to the story, why weren't they be part of the character intro? We'll see it first anyhow. The VO prevented the reader from figuring out the subtext.

GOOD.

Greg Dietz (Level 2)

It's a fun idea, but I'm just not sure how well it would work on the screen. I'm not against voice-overs as a rule, but you have several scenes that feature VO from one character, immediately followed by dialogue from that same character. This keeps the focus of the conversation on that character for too long, and disrupts the flow of the dialogue. That's fine while the two are just sitting together, but when they begin to converse in earnest the delays become too disruptive.

I understand the need to make it clear to your audience that these two are in fact lying to one another, but I think you can find a more clever way to do that than having them explain their own lies to themselves before telling them.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title sets the mood and tone well, good choice.
Craft - your craft os excellent.
Dialogue - I like the dialogue a lot. It was light and fun.
Action lines - the action lines are fine, they are descriptive ans clear.
Story - this was a lot of fun. Good job.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Did she really think he wasn't Leo? he said his friend set him up on a blind date to meet Emma. He shows up in the exact spot and she thinks he's a guy named Kevin. She would have known he was lying.

They didn't tell each other what they would be wearing?

If emma was there with a picnic basket she MUST have told him that they were going to have a picnic. Why didn't Leo mention the picnic basket since it was sitting there?

Did Leo not know it was Emma at the end? If he did, he should have said something in VO so we knew.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It didnt go the way I expected but it's very funny. Poor Emma. I actually expected a romantic comedy, the one that ends well. I think that's the way you set it up. But I liked it a lot nonetheless.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I really like this story. Even though you have alot of VO between the two of them, I am still able to keep up with the story and enjoy the humor in your writing. I think this is some really good work you put together.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific job integrating the dialogue with a variety of visual elements to keep a reader, hence an audience's, attention. The story is primarily Emma and Leo carrying on a getting-to-know-you conversation, yet references to the Poe book and sharing a bottle of wine gives the actors something to do.
The voiceover works well, revealing what Emma and Leo are thinking as opposed to what they say in dialogue. They are not the most likeable characters the entire time, but the scenario in the park has a realistic feel to it.
Really like how the title suddenly appears in the story. It's catchy and memorable.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the several reversals. I think the voice over works very well here.

This was funny and I think it would work well on screen. The long pauses during voice-over will come across as natural awkward silences.

Very good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was well written and witty.

It seemed a bit unbelievable to me at first that he would not know it was her with a picnic basket and all, but you had believable dialog and it was fun the read.

The VO's worked well with the dialog and I liked how they changed their attitudes from beginning to end.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

very well done with the voice-overs and the neat reversal, I kind of wanted them to get together though, poor Emma!

Great dialogue, I bet this will get made soon.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Honestly, at first when I saw all the V.O.'s I was skeptical because they usually ruin the story, but not in this case! Very appropriate use. Very funny! I really enjoyed reading it. Very good writing. My only concern is the ending seems a little bit weak, no punch or twist, kind of slid down, you know? Otherwise, it is an awesome story, light and funny. I really wish you'd redo the end, add some punch juice, this story deserves to be produced. Very promising!

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is a great idea, although I'm not sure how it would go onscreen. The voice overs are often longer than you'd think it would take the next person to react, making for a sort of choppy scene.

It is very funny, how the shoe goes for one foot to the other, and the moment when Leo realizes Emma's been lying is fantastic. I wish even more merry chaos could follow, but unfortunately, there aren't enough pages to build even futher. It's a little bit of a letdown. I'm not sure I want to see them work it out, but I want to end at some higher (or lower) level than we started.

It's a great seed of an idea (if the VOs could be snappier) that could been spun out a little longer.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The pacing and formatting is good, so is the grammar.

While the story is good, and the dialogue is lean and clean, I like Ema's change of heart here when she changed her mind about him as being ugly. It's funny that they have raw feelings for each other in voice overs.

I like the setting where they meet at the park. That's a powerful setting.

The two lie about their names to avoid going out on a date with each other because they don't match, or they are too ugly. I think this is funny.

I was expecting them to reveal themselves at the end to show off what a complete liar they are. What if they both told each other their names and tell them they don't fit for each other? Then we can see the reactions on their faces.

Your visuals are good, but there’s not enough action. It really doesn't bother me though.

I also wish I could spend more time with Leo and Emma. They are likable characters.

The message of this story may is strong. Overall, this is a good read. I’m going to guess that this is a comedy type screenplay. I really don’t think the title has nothing to do with the script though. The subtext is excellent.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was fun, but sort of sad. Both of them judged the other on their looks. Made both of them seem shallow, especially as they had the same interests.

I think everyone can relate to your story, so with some tweaking, I think you could make this stronger. Maybe Leo could overlook Emma's shortcomings decide to give it a try after all.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Holy cow! This is great. I'm over halfway through the reviews, and this is my favorite, so far. (Funny coincidence: my entry this month is two people sitting on a park bench, too. It's not this funny, though.)

This script is very well written, and I was really enjoying it, and then on Page 3 it gets REALLY good when the second twist (Leo's) starts. "She goes on blind dates? Why?" and "Jeez... Those teeth make her look like a chipmunk." I was literally laughing out loud at this point.

This is a fun script. I'd love to see the movie some day.

My score: Excellent.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Excellent! Very entertaining, won me over even though I'm not partial to voice overs. The dialog was snappy & funny. And this is one of the best titles ever.

Comments Made After the Contest

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2012 12:22 AM

Congratulations. Well done!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 12:28 AM

Congratulations Faith, well deserved!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 12:43 AM

That's very funny! Congrats Faith and thanks - that was very entertaining!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 12:47 AM

It's about time you cracked the top 3!! I thought you should of several other times but I guess better late than never. :) CONGRATS!

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 1:37 AM

Congratulations on your third place. Long overdue. You deserve it!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 6:24 AM

Thanks, everyone, for the congratulations. This was fun to write. I still can't believe I wrote a comedy. LOL. Thanks again.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 6:36 AM

Hurrah! top 3 place! Congratulations Faith, this tickled me!

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 7:32 AM

Faith, congrats to you for your first top 3 finish! Looking forward to reading this story.

Chris Setten (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2012 12:16 PM

Congrats. Excellent from me.

Dave Kunz (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2012 5:10 PM

Faith, I absolutely loved this and found it very easy to read and follow with all the voice overs. Don't let this one go, polish it up some and send it around, it's worth it. Definitely one of my favorites.

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3) ~ 5/7/2012 4:31 PM

I loved this! I was smiling throughout the entire time. Excellent work.

Austin Bennett (Level 4) ~ 5/16/2012 3:35 AM

This was a delightful read and will be very easy to shoot.

Too bad I hadn't read this a few weeks ago or I would've asked to do it for my final.