Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The title is unique but it doesn't roll off the tongue.

I like your description of the rain.

The dialogue doesn't flow. It feels like two different conversations mingled together. For example:

Mickey: Got an off switch for those eyes?
Philbin: There's a better way to eat?

What does that mean? Neither relates to the other.

The "Mickey Moth Club" is clever. Worthy of a few groans, but clever.

I don't understand the ending. Why did Philbin break the pact?

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Quite good. Funny dialogue. Cute story for kids. What's not to like about this story? You meet this month's goal and it didn't feel forced. I really enjoyed this one.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Ah, a great animation possibility...

A more compelling title might be a plan?

I liked the twist at the end...otherwise, the dialogue was slick but I wasn't quite sure that it was enough to carry the whole thing through.

Maybe less would be more in this circumstance?

Chris Setten (Level 4)

This was a highly visual piece, very colorful. There was some good description in spots although in others it felt a bit clumsy. Some cute laughs that got me to chuckle. The dialogue as a tool for defining character was well done. Not sure about the end, it was telegraphed the whole way.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

I liked Mickey and how his ordeal plays out (panting under the leaf, blow-drying his wing)-- it's charming, it's GREAT! Philbin too, you really do a wonderful job characterizing the animals.

However, the story-- frog plays with his food and then eats it; there's a reason the Lion & the Mouse didn't end that way.

NAMES. It's ok that frog/moth have names, but for the screenplay it would be better to say frog/moth (and even for people, I have an easier time keeping characters straight with identifiers like Fat-Man, Bald-Man, etc). And this one I had a real hard time following.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I love the back and forth between hunter and hunted. I would probably leave out the pop culture references. It takes us out of the setting and makes it feel less authentic. The only one I would keep is the "Mickey Moth" club because they are making a reference without knowing they are making it and that is what makes it funny.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I liked the main relationship and the way that Mickey's ornery side butted up against Philbin's easygoing nature. The overall tone of the piece gave the story a sense of charm.

But I also felt that some of the comedy tried a little too hard ("I'm a Stones fan."). It also felt like the story took a long time to find itself and, once it did, it was pretty clear where and how the story would end. I appreciate and commend the writer for trying something so unusual.

David Serra (Level 4)

The idea is interesting and I love the characters of Mickey and Philbin but you have a few grammical errors such as to many commas. Overall it kept me amused.

Good.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This is seasoned writing, very good, descriptions, quaint characters, clever dialogue, would be a fine animated short. Yet, I'm not sure if this for the young, or the old. I don't think it would hold the attention span of children, and it's not particularly adult. The theme reminds me of the alligator and the chicken, or whatever creature gets eaten. Good work.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Well-written story that earned an excellent from me. Not crazy about the ending because I like happy endings but still, excellent short script.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A moth and a frog make a pact being for the benefit of Mr. Moth

ENDING: The drop of water at the end had good imagery which went back to the bromeliad at the beginning. Nice bookends. The story was structured so it could end at any time.

GOOD.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I really liked this. I thought you created two great characters in Mickey and Philbin. I liked how each one had their own distinctive voice. The dialogue was perfect and really fit each character. Your story was good, and although I would have liked for Mickey to survive in the end, I didn't see it coming the way it did. I thought he would do something to set up Philbin, and instead he just got himself eaten. I enjoyed it!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think it's nicely written. I enjoyed the characters quite a bit.
The story about friendship between a moth and a frog. Unfortunately in the end we get a picture of the frog eating another moth and I just don't think it's fair, since that other moth didn't do anything bad. Nice story though.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was funny. I especially liked the shock ending.

"amateur grab" should be "amateur garb".

Very good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I liked that this was set in the rain forest. The opening description was nice.

I wondered why Philbin yawned when he had caught the moth? It doesn't seem to me like that would happen.

Sorry, but this mostly struck me as filler - nothing really happens. There is no arc and the twist is not really a twist since we would expect this to happen if not for the lion and mouse story trying to fool us.

I thought the dialog was clever in places though. Thanks and good luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

NO! NO! NO! you can't end it like that!

Excellent, great fun, highly imaginative, loved the beetle and Mickey Moth Club lines, very funny.

Well done, I sense a winner here.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The title is not too informative. Philbin makes me think of Regis Philbin and I'm distracted.
It's a cute story. Colorful. I feel sorry for Mickey, I wish he'd survived. Would be fun to see it on screen. Good luck.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Alas, poor Mickey; we saw it coming. It's imaginative, and obviously meant for animation. You can see how an artist would do wonders with this lush, green architecture.

I can't say I sympathize for either of these two. They're animals, doing their animal business of preying and escaping. Philbin seems slightly mentally challenged, and while you feel for Mickey's plight, the dialogue is like a gangster scoring on a five-year-old. The bits about the Mickey Moth club are, I have to admit, pretty funny. But the rest feels like fodder, description of a moth escaping a frog to fill five pages. And the only resolution is the law of the jungle.

There's something here, with the character personalities, but it needs a little more digging out.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not notice any grammar errors. Your formatting and pacing is good.

This is a hilarious script. I like those Budweiser commercials with the frogs too. This script reminded me of that commercial. So we have a butterfly who teaches a frog how to hunt. But when Mickey does, the frog eats him. I think that’s funny. I just feel that the story is empty. Maybe you should show us Mike teaching him how to hunt, and then the surprise ending, where Philben eats him, will become stronger. I just feel that this script is a setup to a punch line.

The character’s dialogue is all real. I just wish we could spend more time with Mickey before he dies. The ending just came too soon.

Your action lines are visual, and I can see everything through the character’s eyes. Maybe give Mikey a goal or have him sacrifice something to the frog before the frog eats him. That way, we already know the frog can be a bit selfish or something. I get what message you’re showing us, but it doesn’t come out that strong. Overall, this is a simple story, but not enough conflict. I wish you good luck with this.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Cute story. Interesting names given the situation. This one floated along and gave a pleasant, enjoyable read but I never felt engaged. I wanted there to be a bit more tension on either side and I never really felt that. Nice banter. Good dialogue exchanges but it amounted to nothing that struck me as memorable. That's not bad. There are a lot of scripts to get through and this is one I hope to come back to for more constructive notes. Best of luck.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was a cute story with two cute characters and the possibilities would be endless. I don't think the story really worked. There was too many talking head scenes. I wonder why at the end you wrote 'the frog eats the moth' instead of Philbin eats Mickey.

The banter back and forth between them was cute but I wanted something a little deeper or meaningful.

I sort of wanted Philbin not to eat Mickey too.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Kind of a cute idea, the savvy moth stalked by the dumb-as-a-fox frog, but it seemed like there was too much set-up and not enough payoff. For one thing, it took me a second reading to realize that Mickey's problem was that his wings got wet and he couldn't fly, so I didn't know why he was blowing on his wings and all the business with the ivy leaves. Now I get it, and it could be funny in an animated short, but it still seems to go on for quite a while, considering how it all ends.

Plus the puns (Mickey Moth Club, the beetles, etc.) are real groaners, and they didn't work well for me.

I think it's a great idea, and could be a cute animated short, but I'd recommend either a more substantial ending, or step up the pace of the set-up.

My score: Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 1:08 AM

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments.
I appreciate the words of encouragement and will, as is my nature, keep plugging away...

Martin J --
I'm pleased you liked the ending, and "amateur grab" was my intention. It's Mickey's reference to Philbin's lack of hunting expertise.

I've heard others comment on how characters begin to dictate where a story will go while writing. Perfect example here -- I did not plan on writing a comedy. For those who liked the "Stones" and "Mickey Moth Club" joke, thank you. (Neither was preplanned.)

For everyone else, I thought both were pretty corny too, but that's what Mickey and Philbin (a derivative of "amphibian") said. :)

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 1:30 AM

KP - I didn't do any reviews this month but just read yours. I got a kick out of the jokes...corny or not. And the ending made me laugh! I get the point that you probably don't want to end that way, but it was funny and fit with the dimwitted character of Philbin.

In a more thorough reading, I might have a look at whether Philbin holds to his dimwitted nature through all of his dialogue. It struck me a little that he was a bit too quick at times.

If you want to take it beyond the 5 pages, you could always have Mickey scream STOP as Philbin is about to devour him - what kind of a way is that to start a pact? - and end on a note similar to Casablanca...with the two of them heading into the forest and Mickey expelling that it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

It was definitely a fun read.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 6:59 AM

I LOVED this! I think I'm a sucker for animal stories, really tickled me.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2012 1:24 AM

@Matt --
We must be on the same wavelength. One of my drafts had Mickey screaming at Philbin about not honoring the pact at the end. I hoped it was obvious that Mickey took off while Philbin was waking up. (At the beginning Philbin yawns and drops Mickey cause he was woken up.
But I thought it was too "on-the-nose." Since Philbin's primary motivation is food, I thought eating the moth (I couldn't bear to use their proper names in the last line) was a good fit.
Thanks for the terrific feedback.

@MJ --
Thank you again for your comments and for selecting it as a favorite.
You made my day!