Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Use more active tense in your action. Avoid "is" and "are".
"He has a bag of popcorn. He’s feeding it to a large flock" can be written as "He feeds a bag of popcorn to a large flock".

What does Bella point at? I'd like to know specifically what the sign says.

Remove "(toying with her)" and "(fulla bravado)". The actor and director will determine the line delivery.

Bella does a lot of pointing. It's repetitive.

I like the contrast between Delmar and Bella.

Good ending. Not what I expected.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Nice twist at the end. The really like the dialogue between the two characters. You really created two memorable characters especially Bella. She had me chuckling a few times. I thought you painted a pretty good picture with your words. Very good.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Best not to put lots of stuff in parentheses - rather, SHOW it in your characters' actions and dialogue. In addition, putting (pause) within your dialogue isn't a cool thing to do! You can safely allow your actors to work that out for themselves.

I like the sparky dialogue and characterisation - made me smile.

The twist at the end? Not sure. I was rather left feeling 'so what if he's a vampire?' I think you need more impact or consequences.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I liked the twist at the end. I also thought the use of dialogue was really well done and believable. You did a good job misdirecting as well. But, there was a fair amount of dialogue and perhaps this story is better told in a play rather than a film. Also, the end: I wasn't clear on the pigeon sucking blood at the end (is it critical to the story?) but I think you should end with Delmar revealing his fangs rather than the pigeon stuff. Nice job.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Vampire birds...I knew those winged devils were hiding something.

Story was okay-- kind of a YA film; nothing provocative, but not a straight-laced day at the park.

Bella seemed more 10 than 15-- her attitude wasn't right. She should be more clipped, more direct when she talks-- like a kid imitating John Wayne (or her idea of a bad-ass).

David Serra (Level 4)

This seemed a little rushed and childish. The overall premise was not-so clear and I kept thinking that Delmar was a werewolf for some reason.

You might want to consider tweaking.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Well, that was cute. And a nice little pay off with a blood drinking pigeon.

The writing was tight, visually descriptive, didn't notice any typos, nothing took me out of the story. But, I was ready for the pigeon by the end of page four, the interesting banter began to wane. I believe a page could be trimmed.

All in all a good job. You gave us a couple of interesting three dimensional characters that popped. Building interesting characters is difficult, and that seems to be your strong suit judged by this script.

Eric Boshart (Level 2)

I'm not one for the whole vampire phenomenon, but I gave this an "Excellent" because of the conversation between the two. It was very natural and the two truly had real personalities. I could imagine them, and feel the way they were talking. He had culture, and she was just a teen. I enjoyed this very much. On top of it, I didn't find grammar mistakes or formatting mistakes. Well done!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Strange story with a surprise story. Well written.

On page one: “He's feeding it to a large flock...” Consider instead: “He fees it to a large flock...”

It is not necessary to use CONT'Ds in dialogue. If you are using Final Draft you can turn this feature off.

Do not put (pause) in character's dialogue. Trust your actors to know when to pause.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A homeless man talks with a teen goth girl in a park.

ENDING: The ending caught me by surprise. The pigeon pecking at the old man's blood is an image I'll remember. But the story itself felt forced with the topics going from blood to vampires and birds. Effective use of visuals.

VG

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I thought you had a nice set up for the story. Delmar was a good character and I enjoyed reading him. I felt that Bella seemed a bit forced. She seemed a bit too talkative and her dialogue didn't really fit the whole "goth wannabe" that she was described as. I wasn't really sure where all this vampire talk was going, though I did like the twist at the end. That, I didn't see coming. I guess it's because you open the script with "A beautiful, sunny day." I thought it was good that you established your own set of rules for vampires. That was refreshing.

I think the thing I noticed the most with this script is that it didn't seem to have any real conflict. It was just two characters meeting and talking and then one leaves. I'm not sure what you could do to remedy this, or even if you want to, but it was something that I felt should be pointed out.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think that this whole vampire idea could be a bit edgier. It's a fun script, entertaining and all but I expect more when I see vampires.
Don't know what vampires have in common with birds and how the birds play out in their talk.
The characters were fun!
Maybe it's just me but I got the twist ahead of time.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I like this story. It has a nice easy read to it. I like that the two characters are different one is young and the other is old. The conversation between them is simple but funny. I really like the characters and to me that is what makes this story so good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Wonderful visual simplicity. A park and two contrasting characters.
The dialogue is really well done. It's intriguing, colorful, and riveting. Every line is connected to the next. Bella sounds like a teenager, and Delmar sounds like an old man.
Surprised by the vampire twist at the end. Don't think it's needed. The dialogue is so good and the charming banter between these two about cops, free popcorn, and secret agent birds is strong enough on its own.
The title is perfect. Love the irony.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was a good idea and well written but IMO it went on a bit long. Their banter was cute but after a while, banter starts to drag a bit. Not sure why a pigeon would drink blood though.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was nice but I'm not sure what the ending means. If he's a vampire why would he be feeding pigeons with his own blood?

"(toying with her)"
I think in this instance it's clear from the context how the line is meant to be delivered.

I think this might work better if you made Bella slightly younger, maybe 13. As it is she comes across as slow, but maybe that's your intention.

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I thought this was well written and interesting. The dialog was good and the characters developed nicely.

But then the end. I admit that I am resistant to the same ol' monster stories, but mostly, I just thought it was unneccesary here. The story held up fine without showing fangs. That's kinda like hearing Stairway To Heaven again to me. I've definitely heard that song enough in this lifetime.

But I know that's just me. I really do wish someone would come up with some new monsters (and play a different Zeppelin song).

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Your character of Bella is so brilliant that I don't think you actually need the vampire twisty pigeon thing at the end, she just kind of carries the story along beautifully.

That's some of the best characterisation writing I've seen in a long time, and all through dialogue and action, no exposition, just bang in there.

Had me really laughing as well, great job, well done.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Why would a goth 15 y.o. want to know a name of some ragged 60 y.o. stranger in the park? If he would be 16, then I understand.
Why do you use slang in parenthetical?
Delmar has whiskers?
I didn't understand why a pigeon pecked his blood. Is he his secret agent?
The story paced well, the dialogue is nice. You presented us with a dumb goth girl and a multilingual vampire. They sit in the park and talk about nothing.
It's an interesting story, just needs some work.
Good luck.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I really like this. It doesn't really go anywhere, and it knows it, and it's just fine that way. The ending is somewhat predicatble - I know I'm waiting for some reveal, probably about vampires - but it's refreshing that it doesn't end with Delmar eating Bella, or vice versa. They're just two outsiders having a conversation, that's slightly tinged with potential menace. The casual narrator is very tricky to pull off, and you pull it off here.

Excellent work.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The formating and pacing are good. I have not notice any grammar or formatting errors.

The dialogue looks professional, and the action lines are visual. However, Bella’s dialogue was too mature for her age. She sounded like an adult. I was also wondering how she know that vampires are even real.

The central conflict where the two discuss vampires could be used as description too. The surprise ending was unexpected, though it really didn’t surprise me. The story is decent; it just needed more conflict. Perhaps, the surprise ending would be stronger if Delmar, Bella, and the pigeons were all vampires. That will take a turn as Horror, even though the original ending did turn out to be horror. I like the turn of the genre.

If he was really a vampire, I think the setting could be nighttime, and this will bring up the tone as horror. I don’t know if this would make any difference though.

Overall, this is a good read.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I liked this very much. Bella and Delmar were interesting characters and held extremely easy banter. At times, it felt a bit aimless, like there wasn't going to be a point at all but I liked the closure you brought to the end. I could see this easily expanded and it would make an enjoyable short. I loved how you kept the action isolated to the one location. Not as easy as it seems. I'll be watching for this one. You've got something here.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

You had me until the fangs. I liked this story of these two, so different and yet the story was charming and interesting. I wanted to know more about them, I actually cared. But then you sold out (imho) with the ending.

I'd love to see you think of something out of the box for the ending.

I think you could think of something beside him being a vampire.

Do pigeons drink blood.?

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 12:43 AM

A VG from me. Lots of heart and so well written.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 6:42 AM

Really loved your characters and dialogue, this one stood out for me.