Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

"He is out of breath". Use active tense: "He catches his breath".

Which half of the suit is missing?

"They begin working together to get up to it." Be specific. Is someone stepping on someone's hands or shoulders?

I like your bizarre premise but it could use more back story. You have a page and a half to work with. Build up the tension.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Title works with this story. I don't know what to make of this story. I felt like I wanted to laugh, but the joke never came. I did it the story quite entertaining. Dialogue was great. No scenes of death. You did a great job of telling your backstory without making it sound boring. It was pretty good in my opinion.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I do like the title even before I've opened the script!

Watch your use of commas. Incorrect usage makes your writing hard to follow...a tie, half of which, is missing...for example. What are you wall street. UH?

Pretty bloody gash? Pretty worse for wear? You like the word pretty?

Lose the CONTINUEDs! Also everything in parentheses...not necessary. It should be in your action or obvious from your dialogue.

Well, I warmed to your characters and thought the ending was appealingly crazy. In general, it was all a bit shallow and you had space to add more depth, which I suggest you do.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

There was some really good build of tension here and you paced things nicely before your reveals. I suspected about half way through that you were going for Big to Small twist. Thre were a few surface errors but not too distracting. Good luck in the contest.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It's not funny to be chased by a goose. (oh but how I'd laugh when it ran down my brother)

So the goose actually knocks on the door? because that's where I went in my head.

And why an office? Shouldn't it be in a restroom or a concession stand-- someplace in a park? Dare us to think of something other than people-zombies.

David Serra (Level 4)

Negatives: You broke the fourth wall by mentioning the camera. Also, you have a few places where you could expand and revise such as "Ext. Vent - Continuous" or something similar.

Positives: The overall idea is a fun, cool, and original one and I would love to see something like this get filmed in the future.

Good

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Are geese characters? lol. Killer geese, gotta love it. You did a fine job at setting up the tension, two strangers working together to escape a common enemy. The characters even had life, a plumber, a ball player. A very dramatic feel, then you hit us with the killer geese. This entry should do well. Good job.

Eric Boshart (Level 2)

Invasion of killer geese? I couldn't tell if this was a parody or a real "invasion drama." Joshua also really didn't have a personality. I wish he was a bit more dynamic. Campbell wa sok, I liked the irony of Wall Street and plumber; it made the scenario a little more interesting. However, I still don't really know what is going on in this script, so I gave it a "Fair."

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

When I got to the end of this story, it reminded me of hearing a bad joke. I just didn't get the point. Despite that, the script was written in a good format. Here are a couple of comments.

“He wears a nice business suit and a tie, half of which, is missing.” Okay, this sentence stopped me. Was the tie cut in half? Or was the right side of his body wearing a suit and tie and the other side was wearing something else? I was confused by the way it was written.

On page 2: “They begin working together to get up to it.” Consider instead: “They work together to reach it.” Then the next sentence is not needed.

On page 2: “They begin crawling quickly away.” Consider instead: “They crawl quickly away.”

In both of the above page 2 examples, the word BEGIN is used. Whenever you are inclined to use the word BEGIN or START, rewrite those two words out of the sentence.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Two men escape from a terrifying opponent

ENDING: The story rushed to the ending. Cool scenario that had traction until they exit the duct to find geese. Duct blind? Incorrect alignment of FADE OUT and THE END.

GOOD.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I couldn't understand why the geese turned to the camera in the end.
It's an interesting script, very imaginative.
But I think you have few more than two characters - since geese are characters too, I think. Also, it's funny in the end and I wish it was funny throughout. In the end the genre changed from suspense to a silly comedy.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Props for originality. A really fast read at barely four pages.
Particularly fond of the double meaning/tone of Campbell's quasi-question/statement, "Like an invasion of killer geese?" It'll be a great line for an actor to deliver.
Am a fan of different or colorful locations. This short short could easily have been a lot of dialogue between Campbell and Joshua in a stagnant place. Instead, these two are dressed in distinctive clothing (love the contrast to each other), hide in a supply room, and crawl through an overhead vent to eventually emerge in an alleyway and escape.
The title is perfect. Excellent story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is funny. I was expecting a standard zombie story.

"has a pretty bloody gash"
If you're going to describe it as a "gash" why modify it with it only being "pretty bloody"? It lessens the impact.

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was a fun read. I have to say I'm a bit burnt on the crawling through the air vent thing, but the dialog was good and the demented killer geese was a pretty funny twist.

Your pace was good and you did a good job with keeping the tension until the reveal. Thanks for sharing.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Stranger things indeed.

This is formatted correctly and some of the descriptions are good.

It feels very rushed though and reads more like a sketch than a complete story.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I believe you don't need "continued" at the bottom.
I like how you don't reveal the monster and keep us waiting for a reveal. But the monster itself is a disappointment! Who's scared of geese anyway?
I also thought it was odd when they crawl away in a vent they stop and start talking about clothes. If I were in immediate danger the last thing I would want to do is to talk about attire and who am I by profession. Aren't they freaking out?
They don't leave each other by the vent, but then they easily part their ways? Seems not consistent.

I hope my notes help.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I was going with you for a while, here. You actually had me hooked more than a similar entry in this competition - Meet Me At The End of the World - I think because of the simplicity of the office setting as opposed to post-apocalyptic bombscape.

I wanted a little more. It's basically a joke - geese attack. In the end, these two don't have anything to share, any epiphanies, and then they don't even have to face any real climatic dnager at the end. They escape, and leave. And then geese get us. The joke's not funny enough, and it feels like you didn't know where to go with it.

It's a good start, it just needs a slightly more powerful ending.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

I liked the premise. It was a good set up and I was waiting for a really good reveal. I don't think the reveal does it. If it is played for laughs, it is not funny enough. If it is played for horror, not scary enough. Change the ending and there may be something really good there. The build up could also have a bit more tension so that the final reveal becomes all that more comedic.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The pacing and formatting is good, and I notice only one formatting error.

Two guys are trapped in an office building, and a goose traps them. And the two gets killed. This is a buildup to a punch line, which is all good, but the conflict, where they are trapped inside, isn’t as strong. I was expecting them to have a little time left to leave the office. Better yet, a fire could also make the panic and escape. That might add more tension. The story is simple, but I don’t know what the stakes, the message, or theme is. I didn’t see the surprise ending coming either. I knew it wasn’t another character, since we could only have two characters, but the goose was a good laugh.

It would be nice if Joshua and Campbell spend more time together though. Then maybe the stakes might show up. You could give them a character arc. Maybe have the two strangers to not get alone well, them when they realize that they don’t have much time left, they might have a change or heart or something.

The dialogue is good, and the action lines are visual. Your writing is economic.
The story just didn’t work for me.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I want to see a rabid, demented goose attack people. Don't think I saw a goose attack anyone in Hitchcock's "The Birds" and want to see it.

You've given me a rabid, demented goose fixation, so there!

I would rate this an excellent except it ends a bit too soon, feels like the opening to a killer feature length and needs a bit of goose fore-shadowing, a feather perhaps?

Like the title love the little premise.

Very good!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought you started off well, I was intrigued at to what major thing was happening in the outside world. But the story didn't really go anywhere. I wanted a connection between Campbell and Joshua.

The ending left me wondering why tell this story. It didn't seem to have a message, just two strangers meeting, then helping each other into an alley, and then being eaten by rabid geese.

I think it needs work.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Well, that was certainly an abrupt ending. Killer geese? Horrifying.

Did you write three pages, then run out of time? Because, honestly, that's exactly what the ending felt like.

On the bright side, the first three pages were well written, and it seemed like you had a pretty good story developing. Two guys terrified and trapped inside a building by some unknown enemy, then forced to leave their haven and face the threat. Good suspense, nice tension.

But, then, at the bottom of Page 3, you just quit and gave us killer geese. (Why not killer squirrels? Or killer patio furniture?)

I remember my seventh grade teacher saying every good story needs three things -- surprise, suspense, and satisfaction. Yours had suspense (for three pages), it definitely had a surprise (killer geese), but the ending was too abrupt and provided no satisfaction.

The first three pages were pretty good, though.

My score: Good.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

There is a good build up of tension in this script. I liked the way you kept 'who' was invading/attacking a secret right up until the end.

Where I think you could improve the script is, tightening up the writing a little. Some descriptive words are there for no purpose at all. Also, the comedic turn the script takes at the end with the revelation of what is attacking them doesn't really work for me. Geese are mean bastards so it's close to believable but also your two characters' light-hearted parting takes all the tension away. I would either go for a complete joke for the attackers (squirrels for example lol) or keep it serious and you could make a pretty horrific open ending.

Overall, I enjoyed the read and it felt like the beginning of a larger piece, but I didn't like your choice of attackers.

Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2012 12:41 AM

Terrific action and visual quality. Thought for sure this one would place.
Keep up the good work!