Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Insanely good action description writing. To the point I thought (and still think) was reading a pro. Dialogue felt authentic. No sudden anachronisms (apart from the crow-barred feeling with the word 'movie'....see below).

Wonderfully action packed. The twist wasn't amazing, barely foreshadowed, but not at all unpleasant. Just a great piece... but did it fit the criteria?

Well, here's where I have slight problem in terms of the two word integration. 'Poet' was handled of course with great craft, but 'Movie' was crow-barred. Here's the thing, I'm a stickler for action description matching the tone or genre of a piece.

Unless explicitly used to play around with convention (ie. Your Highness movie), the action description in a fantasy/historical script should hold off from modern day references. Now you were between a rock and a hard place since this is a fantasy-based piece but needed to use movie. So you crow-bar it in their in Thybor's introduction.

That would be like a line in Sparticus.

Sparticus glances around where slaves rise to their feet repeating those same word. Declaring themselves as Sparticus. In unison. Like a bunch of programmed robots.

See? It strikes a discordant note. Keep the action description in context with your subject matter. A grizzled knight shouldn't really be described with Movie star looks.

But all that aside, this is beautifully written and is graded down only on the unimaginative usage of the word 'Movie'. Still, it gets a- VERY GOOD!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Different type of setting compared to the other's that I've read. I like the character descriptions especially that of the dragon.

I wasn't to fond of Elias's plot. It felt like it was forced to tie up the story. The back story wasn't quite there, so the ending didn't make me feel anything.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

children's not childrens'

You have a couple of phrases that you repeat - grows a smile (strange!) and accepts his fate - best to be varied in use of words.

I see this as set in medieval England really so while much of your dialogue is fine, a few things stand out as being out of place. 'One hell of a story' and 'you may have gotten...'

I liked the twist at the end though I wondered if Elias held the others responsible for his father's death? His change from timid weakling to lying assassin was a bit too sudden without any foreshadowing to be entirely credible.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Wow, love the beginning and the end.
I had a little trouble with the middle. So much battle to describe and characters to keep straight, it got a bit tedious.
You also have several typos that drew me out of your story.

Really like your descriptions and setting the scene.

Lots of good stuff here. Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was a really cool fantasy story.

I especially loved your descriptions of the battle - which I could picture perfectly. Each of the characters was distinctive and the final twist was very cool.

The word "movie" felt very forced here, but "poet" was perfect.

Overall, I thought this was great. Very well done.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

To be honest, if it wasn't for that ending, I wouldn't be so enthusiastic.

BATTLE ACTION. I never SAW the action play out (except for a few places, like when that one's skin boils). Most of the descriptions were comments on what was happening and not a play-by-play of the unfolding events. It got to be a jumble of things happening, and I'm not sure how that third knight died--it just got lost in everything.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I liked a lot of things about this one! It's descriptions are great and the action is easy to follow and imagine. The dialogue was good but I didn't like the conversation about Elias's father. It was too much exposition and I think it could have been portrayed with emotion much better. I love that the Dragon breathes hot air and not fire and I love the betrayal twist at the end. Very nice!

David Birch (Level 5)

pretty decent description of a battle scene (dragon v. knight) didn't really get the backstory...i mean, they're dragon hunters and they're hunting a dragon...and he kills his horse...why?...a horse was as valuable a piece of property as one could have...how does killing the horse gain him an advantage?...couldn't they have drawn the dragon out without killing the horse?...seemed like a convoluted plot point....the writing wasn't as lean as it could be..."literally" is four syllables that i don't need to read...and "accepts his fate" used twice in a five page screenplay...the action of the battle would have been better with tight active writing as opposed to the flowery prose that you chose to use...

David M Troop (Level 4)

Legends and Lies

Alas, this is the final entry for me in this Tournament of Champions. How fitting for it to contain a battle.

Your script was pretty straightforward. Medieval ruins. A monsterous dragon. Dragon slayers. And a scribe to document the battle. A hidden agenda.

The dragon is finished off in an exciting battle by the last knight. Then comes the twist. The scribe kills the knight so he can become the hero and avenge his father.

I thought the script was written very well. Only a few typos. There are a few ing verbs in your otherwise excellent action lines.
I enjoyed the characters.
I thought the battle scene was nicely written as well.
The betrayal was a surprise, but you eluded to it nicely in the scene before the battle.

Overall, VERY GOOD.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

That was fun, not too thrilled with Elias taking the credit for defeating the dragon - talk about dragon breath - but then again he did have to suffer the warriors' disdain. A humorous action medieval adventure. Some great visuals and way of setting a scene, a writer's voice evidently developed and seasoned.

Very Good work, and good luck.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

An interesting story but I had a difficult time picturing all the characters in my mind. I think this was because so many characters were introduced so fast. I never did get a feel for the age of the four riders.

I would suggest that the writer only write what can be filmed. Example: “The timid young ELIAS...” How does one film the word timid. Probably the following would suffice: “ELIAS (20s) stares wide-eyed at the archway. He grips his horse's reins tight.” His actions SHOW US that he is timid.

Only write what is important to the story. Example: “Elias turns to his right at the sneering SERRAL...” Why is it important that he turn to the right? Remember the movie will have directors and choreographers.

Remember “less is more”. Here are some examples:
1. “Four HORSE RIDERS come to a stop near the ruins' edge.” Consider instead: “Four HORSE RIDERS stop near the ruins' edge.”
2. “Then the earth begins to rumble.” Consider instead: “The earth rumbles.”
3. “Elias takes a step back.” Consider instead: “Elias steps back.”
4. “Elias looks at this with horror in his eyes.” Consider instead: “Elias watches, horror in his eyes.”

I think this is a good start but some more work is needed. Good luck.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Your screenplay has got to be one of the more engaging entries this time around. Extraordinary visual description, outstanding character differentiation and one romp of a good story. This can only deserve an Excellent rating. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

movie star good looks. poet = scribe

I liked the intro of characters. Distinct details. A great way to show us a story. I wondered why they were there other than to kill the dragon. But that's not necessary.

The scribe was emotionless for someone who had lost his father the night before. Also, we didn't see the scribe stab the knight at the end, just the tooth in his neck. Must have been a tough choice which way to go.

Nitpick. I know the mission was to use the movie and poet but both uses in this context didn't fit smoothly.

GOOD

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title works very well for this story. It sets the mood and tone well.
Craft - your craft is nearly perfect. One question though; why have a fade out but no fade in?
Dialogue - the dialogue was very good and believable for these characters.
Action lines - your action lines are quite good and are the majority of the script. You paint a vivid picture of the action.
Story - I like the story and it reminded me to buy tickets to the Renaissance Fair so thamks!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Wow not much to say about this. One thing I guess I would say was that I wish the poet was the reason they went there. Like he was the one who set everything up.

But that's just a small suggestion. The script was perfect from the dialogue to the action.

Excellent.

Jeremy Rose (Level 2)

I would like to begin by saying this is no "Lord of the Rings". To contain so much action this script was hard to read without falling asleep. I think the writer should have set the scene more "medievalish" in the beginning so the reader would be more prepared for the script. There are other parts of this story that just do not make sense to me. I think the writer had some decent ideas but he or she needs to get a little more seasoned at their "Dungeons and Dragons" and try again.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 6
Story: 4
Originality: 2
Action: 4
Dialogue: 3
Readability: 4

This had promise but ultimately it's another story about some guys fighting a dragon. The action lines were a little difficult to follow. The dialogue seemed forced and unnatural. It was a little difficult to read because the problems with the dialogue and action. Griffian was misspelled Griffial at one point.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's a nice script. The only thing - Elias seems to turn into a villain at the end but I thought he was a good one. Thybor was a show off but he didn't seem to do really bad things. He didn't kill anyone, did he? Except for the poor animal.
So in the end I didn't see Elias a hero for that reason. I'm wondering if I'm alone on this.
Written very poetically - you set up the mood really well.

Kirk White (Level 5)

very clever inclusion of "movie". Although this is not my personal cup of tea, it seems like a solid example of this genre. it reads a little prosey to me, almost like a short story but that's probably just personal preference. Over all it's a solid script.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A beautifully written medieval story. The location is wonderfully visual, and the descriptions of the four horseman are full of colorful details.
The human characters are distinctive, but wonder whether there might be one too many. The conflict between Thybor and Elias is quite strong; might be able to combine Griffian and Serral's personalities into a third caring character for contrast.
Not entirely clear why Thybor kills Elias's old horse. Perhaps it's a demonstration of power.
The grey scaly dragon with red eyes would look great onscreen. Its eventual demise might be just a bit too long. The events that unfold have tension, but the blow-by-blow of each horseman's encounter slows down the pacing. Perhaps one less character would help.
Terrific twist from Elias as the poet turns the tables on Thybor.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

The time period was a bit confusing for me at the beginning (given the destroyed castle described as ruins, I was thinking it was modern) but I quickly got on the same page and it wasnt too much problem. The writing was strong for the most part - very action heavy but mostly easy to follow. I did have a few geography problems - most notably when the dragon's head crashes through the wall. What happened to Thybor and Griffian there? Did the dragon crash through where the were? How are they suddenly so far away that they need to run to Elias? The cut to the exterior was a bit jarring too - I think you could better work the flow of that so the action seems continues rather than an abrupt and confusing cut.

I wasn't exactly sure why Elias needed to be by Thybor's side during the attack. Couldn't he have observed from a safer distance if he really was that much of a liability? I was also left with a few questions about the world - were the four of them from this city? Did they survive the previous attack or flee? Also, it seems weird that the dragons breath would be flammable given the fact that its so hot - wouldnt he just blow himself up then by accidentally breathing on anything thats on fire (such as the archer's beard)? These weren't dealbreakers though and for the most part I was onboard with the story.

Elias' turn at the end functions, but didn't come as too much of a shock. If Thybor wasn't quite so much an ass after the dragon died it might have come as more of a surprise. Overall good job.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I liked the plot of this story, Elias avenging his father's death. There was a lot of action and Thybor was a great villian. But for me this was a VERY full 5 pages. And around page 3/4 I started to lose interest a bit. Maybe too much dragon slaying action and not enough character devolopment. It just dragged for me. But then I was happy with the ending.

So cool story and quality writing...just a bit overwritten IMO.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the twist.

Still, I feel the mythical setting and the fighting with the dragon up to that point were fairly generic.

Good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was well done. A kind of Usual Suspects sort of ending.

The only thing that didn't ring true for me was they way the dragon was killed. Gas that heated metal would need to be hotter than the metal to begin with. An arrow that had cooled some igniting it seemed unlikely.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is a great idea, wonderful to find a fantasy in my last two to review.

The end is satisfying, I like how Elias becomes the hero against the arrogance of the knights.

It did however take some reading, for a story with plenty of action it lacks pace and plods along a bit.I think this is because there is too much detail and 'directing' in your action lines. For example:

'Elias looks to the ground on the mention of his father.
Griffian lays his hand on his shoulder.'

The first sentence is clunky (should be 'at' not 'on') and both are unecessary as they do not really push the action forward or develop character. Some of your descriptions are not easy to visualise and I had to read a few times to understand:

'The long sharp appendages sticking out of its arms, former wings,
only have shredded leathery flaps hanging from them now.'

It was also hard to stay engaged when your seeming protagonist cruelly kills a horse on the second page.

But I like the story and the fact that you went for fantasy, you must have studied the stats and the most popular script on the site!!

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The writing has an epic feel to it. Really, after reading the first page I can already rate it (as Excellent! yay)

Beautiful story. The writing is excellent, complex and vivid images. I like this type of stories. I have nothing bad to say.

Good luck.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Congratulations on your eligibility to enter this contest.

Great imagination, and nice twist at the end. I predict this entry will score high.

I like how you introduce these four characters to us. It's not all in the first narrative paragraph, or all at once for us to ingest.

Your screenwriting is good, maybe just a little bulky in spots; formatting appears in order; didn't detect any typos.

Excellent.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is an effective medieval action story. The dragon is well described and gives the story a genuine sense of menace.

The twist was well sign-posted, so when it happened it didn't have much effect for me. Also, as often happens with action stories, the characters in this felt a bit thin and I wasn't sure what outcome I should be hoping for.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

Loved the set up and the descriptions of the knights and particularly the dragon really comes to life. I liked the idea of the dragon being half battered already, without the wings and without the flames. I do have a problem with reconciling the scribes character at the end. He is treacherous, and yet he clearly has a sentimental attachment to his dead father. Not to say that these are mutually exclusive, but would have been better if he was fully treacherous and bad.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not notice any grammar or spelling errors. The formatting is good and the writing is lean.
The story is about a poet and some knights battling against dragons and horses to save themselves from a castle. That’s the premise I see in the story. The beginning, the middle, and end are all well balanced.

The scene transitions reads smoothly, and there are no time lapses between scenes.
The characters are well developed, like any other knights are. The story in itself is decent, and I have nothing to say about it.

I’m not sure about the title. The Legends and Lies title doesn’t really tell me anything about the story. The action lines all fit with the slug lines. The dialogue is also natural.

You also have a lot of conflict that keeps my interest going. This would make a good war movie, though I don't often watch war movies. I hope this film gets made anyway.
Overall, Very Good.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Love the title. Very compelling. Great opening. Strong establishment of character and where we are. Good dialogue. Very strong pacing and I loved the way you fed information to the reader gradually. A gift. Such storytelling in a short period of time is not easy but you make it so effortless.

Great action when the dragon appears. You depict the action well without directing on paper. The images are clear and each character's actions meet with the audiences expectations. Truly inspired writing. I loved the unique ways you had the dragon disarm and ultimately overtake the men.

Clever inserts of the challenge words. The ending brought closure and I didn't see it coming. Nice work. This was just a joy on so many levels, I wish I could offer some constructive notes or suggestions for improvement but I just want to extend high praise for what has been the best script I've read thus far and while it's early, this will stay with me I'm sure. You have a talent for the craft and it's to everyone's benefit to read and learn from your writing. Thanks for sharing your gift with us.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Oh, this was a cracker of a short, with amazing action and great dialog.

The twist is something I saw coming and just wish Thybor could have been tricked a bit more cruelly.

Still, a very good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think this was a noble effort. I just didn't feel connected to the characters as much as I would have liked to.

The story is a large scale one, for a short. It would be almost impossible to film this on a low budget. With dragons and the like, it would be expensive.


I did like the twist, and that Elias had a dark side. It seemed to come out of nowhere, but I think that was what made it a good twist. He's been the underdog the whole time and here he is being devious and self serving at the end.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I guess the pen IS mightier than the sword. But, in this case (and in my opinion), the pen should have focused more on the story and less on describing the scenes and the action.

All those flying spears and arrows and hot dragon's breath are great, but when we got to the end of the story and the pay-off, I realized I had missed something. Why did Elias feel he had to avenge his father's death? Did Thybor kill him? And how did the dragon's tooth get in Thybor's neck? Did Elias stab him? When?

Your action scenes are exciting and would be great in a movie like this. But, again in my opinion, story comes first. Great action scenes are lost if your audience is struggling to understand the story.

My Score: Good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This rocks! The dragon was awesome - all the characters lived & breathed fire. I'm not a fan of writer protagonists, but this made me a believer. Remind me to add to my Favorite list.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Overall tought this was fairly good, it was kind of a dense read though and felt like it dragged in places.

There were two possible endings, either the kid kills the dragon or he kills the knight. So didn't really come as a surprise. Good effort though.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Really enjoyed this. Love the twist at the end, but I think you could have alluded to Elias's growing discontent earlier, but the end is satisfying to me.

One tiny thing... you refer to "movie star good looks". This is anachronistic and stopped me cold in the story. I won't mark down for it, but I thought you should know.

Fun!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Very well written and a definite contender.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2012 12:44 AM

Fantastic script. What a great story.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 4/1/2012 1:57 AM

Love your character intros in this script and the vivid action. Great work, Paul!

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 3:14 PM

An Excellent from me, Paul. I liked this a lot and thought it would at least place in the top three, but I'm glad you got an Honorable Mention.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4) ~ 4/1/2012 3:49 PM

This one blew me away, very beautiful writing! Excellent!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 4/16/2012 5:07 PM

Great script Paul. Of course I gave this an excellent.