Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Loved the dialogue, even if it was written phonetically and at time became a little less than flowing. Nice characters. Suddenly became clear why you didn't include the ages in the character descriptions. Some real nice (I'm doing it now) turn of phrases (Preacher line). Not much action description to speak of, but what was there worked.

As to the integration of the words, it was done pretty well. Much prefer it in dialogue than I would stuck in action description where it couldn't be seen/heard on screen.

But ultimately it feels like a one-trick pony sort of gag. Nicely presented, but didn't really feel any strong reaction to it. But as with most scripts in this contest, it has to be a- GOOD- On account a'the fact it's done so well written and such.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Funny script!

This story is a little bit about emphasis, what it must be like to be like those young ones. So it feels like a warm kind story, even though you are caricaturing them in a way. The exaggeration makes it quite funny. "I'd marry you, even if you was twenty." Hilarious!

The dialogue needs a slight polishing, the characters suddenly start using ten dollar words in one or two places: "personal, certified guaranty" felt out of place against things like purty as you, swallared a June bug, itch fer you.

Great concept for a short!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

This was quite different than I expected. Character dialogue seemed authentic to me. Heck, I actually had to look up the word, "chiggers". I don't get the overall joke with her being 18; I'm sure there's a "redneck" joke that I'm missing. Overall, it's not mind-blowing, but I don't think that was the intent. It made me chuckle though.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title makes me break into song!

Sweet young thing? I thought she was a child. An age would help the puzzlement.

The age thing? I loved this story but I couldn't understand why It was such an issue that Lulu May is 18. Since I don't know how old Ozzie is either, the whole thing is an enigma.

It would take very little for you to fix this and make it excellent.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Dangit, this here un was a hoot!
Really cute and interesting, well written, and wrong - on many levels.
You did a great job with the dialogue, if done wrong the accents would be quite irritating, but you carried it off well.
Great title.
Really good job.

Best of luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Nice title.

What I really love are your characters. They are so charming in their backwoods way.

The dialogue is especially great. Without thinking about it I even started reading it out loud, it's just too much fun. Perfect use of poetry and movie.

I was a little disappointed by the twist and the ending though. I just expected a little more than "18". These characters are too wonderful to not give them a story to match.

Still, your craft is great and this was a great read.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Well I'll be.

GREAT speech patterns; real southern sweet.
But sometimes I'm not sure if it's supposed to be a snide remark or not (Oz:"...nest of chiggers" is Lulu serious? (I'm itchy just mentioning the word chiggers, so she's being sarcastic--Right?)). Commentary, either as a wylie or show a little more in the character's behavior (you've got Ozzy spot on, it's just Lulu could act more uncomfortable).

Visual clarity. Indicate Ozzy is O.S. when he first speaks.

Loved it!

David M Troop (Level 4)

Some Enchanted Evening

Let me say one thing. This script is very offensive to the Southern half of our great nation, offensive to its wonderful people, and offensive to its culture.
And funny as hell.

I'm not going to give a page by page critique because it doesn't need one.
The jokes were LOL funny. I think you mentioned all the stereotypes, so kudos.
Good usuage of the contest requirements.
Just a few issues:
You should have given us Ozzie's age in his description. It might have set up the ending a little better if we knew their age difference.
Even though the dialogue is killer funny, it is afterall just an endless series of cleverly disguised redneck jokes.
And I was expecting more from the ending. The ultimate joke to make me double over from side splitting laughter ...never came.
Still, this was a great read. In a contest based on excellence and seriousness, your script was a breath of fresh air. Brave move.

GOOD

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

Ha ha! This gave me a nice laugh and I could use one right about now. Really, really loved the dialogue and the way you chopped through all the deep bred southern cliches as you built it up. And then how you twisted that last cliche about the age around, it was very clever and, as I said, gave me a good laugh.

I really enjoyed reading this. Didn't notice much in the way of errors as I read through it, nothing that stuck out at my anyhow. I just loved the voice of the script and think it would make a nice little short.

Well done.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The contrast of the characters and accents to the title is pretty cool.

A superb porch side chat, an unforgettable moment. One of the best of the dialogue driven scripts. Good job, and good luck.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A delightful story, and well written, too. This entry earned a VERY GOOD from me. The writer has a lean way of writing that I thoroughly enjoy. I did find, however, where the writing could be trimmed a bit. On page 2: “Ozzie grabs her hand and gets down on his knee in front of her.” Consider instead: “Ozzie grabs her hand and kneels in front of her.”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

An enjoyable read with extraordinarily clever use of "hillbilly" dialect. And I also genuinely enjoyed your sense of humor which came through loud and clear.

Funny is so difficult to do well and often falls flat. (Including my own feeble attempts at it) But yours is quite successful.

I'm also not clear what the problem is centering on her age. We don't know his age.

My best criticism is that your storyline didn't seem to land anywhere. Great characters. But little in the way of actual story. I've rated your script a GOOD.

Hope this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

take you to the movies, poetry

The over the top nature of this made me think this was more skit than a script. I liked the promises made to entice LuLu into marriage. The dialogue was funny in that it was consistently annoying. But you know what? It's supposed to.

GOOD

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title fits the story well.
Craft - your craft is mostly good but I would suggest giving the characters age and a bit more of a description. I assume Ozzie is quite young, but since I can't see him in the script, I need a description. And one question; why have a fade out but no fade in? And fade out should have a period after it, not a colon.
Dialogue - you stuck to a realistic folksy southern type speak for both characters very well.
Action lines - your action lines were fine.
Story - the story is cute but not a lot happens. You had another page you could have used to add to the story.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"sweet young thing" 9 young, or 20 young?

Okay, the one thing I LOVED was the dialogue. You must know a couple of people that speak this way or you have a GREAT imaginatiion. Or I guess watch a lot of movies, haha.

But I didn't make any sense of it. First, it would have helped if you told us how old they were in the beginning. How old is the boy? Is he older or younger? Why is it such a big deal that she is 18? Am I missing the joke? I think I am. I don't understand why she was so hesitant to tell him she was 18.

I'm glad she wasn't a vampire, but I wish the story lead to something more interesing.

Jeremy Rose (Level 2)

It's hard to write a Three hundred character review on a script where there were only two hillbillies from West Virginia whos entire vocabulary only consists of two hundred and fifty three characters and those are the ejimicated ones. On a more serious side, Oh, wait a minute there is no serious side of this. This is a hilarious story anyone with a sense of humor can enjoy. I have to say it is very good.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Great work on your dialog. Funny.
The ending - I wish it ended earlier - 18 was a big punch, I wonder if there's a way to leave it at that, or make the ending shorter. Her "I'm eighteen" and "I'd marry you even if your were 20" and that's it. I am thinking you don't need anything past it.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I’m at a loss for this one. As a Southerner, this kind of material always irks me to the core; it’s superficial, requires no real insight or effort, and is honestly a little offensive (would you be so cavalier writing a story about a black couple getting engaged and use outdated cliché mock-“ebonics” for their dialogue?) Now you may actually be Southern and this is how you choose to communicate your unique perspective…I don’t know but it certainly doesn’t feel like it was written by a Southerner.

So my first impulse is to say “shame on you” and just drop a POOR and be done with it.

But…I have to remember that most everything in this world is in the intention and I honestly don’t believe this was written with malicious intent. I think it was written in an honest attempt to tell a quaint story about simpler folk and add a little tongue-n-cheek humor to boot. So I have to remind myself to not look at it through my prism of awareness and judge solely on its merits as a story.

And as a story, it leaves me a bit lacking. What this essentially is is an SNL skit, an extended “character study” with a gag at the end that will, in all honestly, probably garner some legitimate chuckles but is nothing earth-shattering in its perspective. I would challenge you to delve deeper; give us the unexpected, take these characters in a different direction…hades, even show them exhibiting evolved and enlightened understanding as a twist to their “regional vernacular” Anything but the obvious which is what you’ve given.

So…the Southerner in me forgives this affront to my people (I am intending this to be a little tongue and cheeky if you can’t tell…) but the WRITER in me can’t forgive such an obvious and uninspired direction; but if I am completely honest with myself and take it for what you will…it’s probably the Southerner in me that is causing me to be this hard on you…so feel free to discard everything I’ve just said.

I’m giving you a Fair.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Cousins and eighteen? (yikes) So funny and clever. Must've taken hours to write the dialogue.
Particularly fond of the character descriptions. Noticed that ages were omitted, but it was clear that they weren't needed even before the age issue was revealed. Lulu, "a sweet young thing," holds a "piglet on her lap," and Ozzie Floyd James, "proud as a peacock...struts and winks," conveys their essence. The mental pictures are great.
Lulu and Ozzie's conversation is very entertaining. Did wonder whether there should be more action; something visual for an audience to watch while listening.
Terrific title. A perfect fit.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

This was a very one note script for me. The stereotypical humor lost its novelty early on and the story never became anything more than that. I would have liked to have known an idea of Lulu's age at the beginning, even if you refer to it vaguely (such as 'a sweet young thing who looks about 15) because just referring to her as a 'sweet young thing' I was picturing her about 10. The whole discrepancy about age at the end didnt make sense to me either - why was it a big deal that she was 18? How old is Ozzie even? Why does it matter? If it was another shot at country humor it didnt land with me. The writing was good for the most part, and though the dialogue was written phonetically it was pretty easy to follow.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title.

Formatting, spelling and punctuation are all good.

I don't know how PC this is, but it's cute and well-written.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was cute. The dialog was entertaining. Not much of a story here though. Ozzie loves Lulu May whether or not they're cousins, no matter how old she is... There were a few cute and quirky bits thrown in like the line about the revenuer who disappeared. Funny. But in the end it just didn't have much substance and there was no tension at all. So for me it fell a bit flat.

The writing was top notch. Just breezed right through it.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The dialect gets annoying after a while, as do the incredibly broad stereotypes instead of characters. It did eventually become clear that it was a comedy, but I didn't find it that funny.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Based on the title I was expecting something more urbane but was pleasantly surprised.

This was a fun read. There wasn't a heck of a lot of story to it, more just a skit, but it was an easy read and east to visualize.

One thing I would have preferred was a little more description of Lulu May's reactions to Ozzie. I could picture her behavior but there really wasn't any of it in the script.

Also, while I enjoyed the dialogue written to reflect the setting, there were a few spots where it lacked a feeling of authenticity or seemed out of character. Ozzie seemed like such a nice guy, it seemed out of place for him to use the word "ass" when he talked about whupping the Hargas boy. Lulu May's line - "No, I ain't fifteen, either". I think either would have been neither.

Overall it was fun. I enjoyed it.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought you did a great job with the hillbillies, though the dialogue was a bit tough to understand at times. Also the whole thing seemed a bit dated. It was more like a skit or a lil Abner comic than a movie. I don't really have any suggestions on how to improve it because I think you ended up with what you were after.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

The dialogue is great and sets the scene right from the first line.

I realise that her age is missed off because of the ending but it did bug me and I thought she was about six and then a little older, perhaps if you'd put Ozzie's age it would have given us a ballpark age that wouldn't ruin the punch line.

It's completely dialogue driven and apart from the wonderful description of Ozzie there are no visual images - it could work very well on stage.

It's cute and the character's come to life beautifully through their words.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The title is not very exciting imo.
How come when you introduce your characters you don't provide age? When he proposes to her then I get that they are about the same age. At first I pictured him as some grown up person, then he said they are cousins, okay. She "is a sweet young thing" - I pictured her at first as a 12 y.o. I understand her age is your surprise card, but his age should be revealed I think.

I love the dialogue here, very authentic.

This story I thought was interesting until it just abruptly stopped on page 4, and I'm like "what?! That's it??" So, what's the story here? A guy proposes to a gal who turns out to be 18 instead of 14 and he still wants to marry her. Not much here. Maybe complicate the situation, it feels like you slacked a bit by not using all the 5 pages. Maybe she has another surprise for him? Or maybe make it more cat-and-mouse game?
Thanks for entering.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Congratulations on your eligibility to enter this contest.

Ha, this was funny, and the dialogue was great. The jokes themselves aren't entirely new, but it was still fun to read. In the end, it feels more like a comedy-sketch, but I can see two actors having a blast with this; and the script is producable, so maybe one day that'll happen.

Your screenwriting is very good; format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Good.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a charming scene that tells a simple story. The dialogue has a nice ring to it, "should we hunt up the preacher?" feels like a great way to say this is this story.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The formatting and spelling is good. I haven’t notice any problems with the formatting.
You have only one scene, which is good. I don’t think extra scenes are really needed in this case. I also don’t mind reading screenplays with one scene either.

The character names are unique, but I don’t know if it can be pronounced. I also like it that you had only two characters, Ozzie and Lulu, which helps us to stay on track in the storyline.

Two people discuss romance when they first meet. The irony twist at the end, where Lulu reveals her age, is good. I thought they were cousins at first, but I guess they’re not. Are they? They only thing I don’t get is when Lulu reveals her age, and then they still fall in love. Is Ozzie a minor? Then they still kiss and smooch. If you told Ozzie his age too, the story will come out stronger.

The storyline is focused on only one core, which is good. The setup is nice. However, the main character doesn’t have an underlying goal. Maybe his goal is to ask Lulu out, but the goal is thin. The story is still good as it is though.

With only one scene, the location, where they sit at a porch, matches the action and description given. I just think it would be nice if the story’s setting took place somewhere else, such as an Elevator, where they are trapped.
Your dialogue is superior.

This is defined as Romance or Drama.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I kept waiting for the twist. The dialogue dominated this and there wasn't much to either character. I wasn't quite sure what was intended with the pig but it didn't help. This one left me feeling empty - I wanted something more from it. Humor is fine but go all out and make her secret over the top big. Make him have an even wilder secret and turn it upside down. This one just didn't hold up for me.

Technicially, you have format and style and pacing and you answered the challenge properly, it's just not a script I'll remember after the contest. I wish you well with it and thank you for entering.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Is this intended as satire or dark humor, or just parodying Red-necks?

To me this comes across more as a theatre scene than anything realtively cinematic.

The reson for this is the pitch-perfect dialog that brings timing and humor to this here short and draws 'em characters all 3D like'n all!

I wish there was more action or dramatic elements to make this feel more like a fleshed out plot rather than a long scene with a simple marriage proposal as primary device.

Can't say I'm too fond of the title either and it makes this sound more like a play than a film.

Some of the visuals are memorable though stereotypical but they work in the context.

Other than that it's a solid effort but needs more legs to come across as a meaty short.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was a really fun script. Sort of tongue in cheek and silly, but I enjoyed it. I am interested in seeing what others think of this one.

Fun dialogue and characters. Thanks for submitting this, I got a chuckle out of it.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I got a little chuckle from this, especially in the beginning, and mainly because of Lulu May and Ozzie's corn pone dialect and backwoods shenanigans. But then the story comes to a screeching halt. Thud. Turns out the corn pone dialect and backwoods shenanigans ARE the whole story.

I was disappointed, because this has a lot of potential. You've created two very funny characters, and with a little tweaking this could have been a hilarious story. And you had another page and a half to work with. Shoulda gone for it.

As written, it's amusing, but not satisfying. It's full of Dogpatch-like cliches (eatin' possum, kissin' cousins, and of course the punchline -- child brides), and those cliches are fine...if they're woven into an actual story. It doesn't have to be "War and Peace", but something. A string of hillbilly cliches wears thin after a while.

Anyway, it was kinda funny, and it has a lot of potential.

My Score: Good.

Steve Dexheimer (Level 4)

OK, let me wipe the grin off my face and write some comments. That was hilarious!

Your dialogue was great. Really liked the way you wrote with grammatical and spelling errors, but chose carefully when to use them so it didn't distract the reader. Too many times writers try to spell just as the characters are speaking, and it's hard to even read it. Your dialogue captured the dialect and spirit of what they were saying, but it was still a quick and easy read.

Great job!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Usually I'm inclined to like anything with a pig in it, and that was my favorite part. The rest just missed the mark for me. It seemed more like an SNL skit than a real story, I half expected them to be brother & sister at the end. The caricatures & dialog of this back woods couple seemed forced and contrived, guess I missed the punchline.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

What's with the font on your title page? Looks extremely amateurish.

What does a 'sweet young thing' mean? She could be 3, 13, 23...who knows.

Ok, seriously? That's your story? I don't know if this is a serious attempt at an entry or not. Lot of things wrong with this. I'll give you a fair, as it's not completely terrible, but it's also not too good. Pretty disappointing really.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

"...a sweet young thing" is how old? I pictured 8. How old is Ozzie? Upon introduction I assumed he was 40, like perhaps her Uncle or a friendly neighbor. I think the ending would have a bigger impact if I knew how old Ozzie is. There are several stereotypical moments, but also several laugh out loud moments.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Tongue-in-cheek. While I smiled reading this script - wanting to know what these two have to say, I thought the conflict was a bit understated. I do think you can build it up even more, especially since you are writing a deadpan, tongue-in-cheek script. Keep building and creating the preposterous nature of the script by having Lulu May in obvious distress over her age. Make her fret more, leaving Ozzie beside himself, tied in knots, wondering if it indeed him and not because of Lulu May. It makes the reveal funnier and more unexpected.

Well done and good luck.

Comments Made After the Contest

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 1:59 AM

Geeze, I finally do a title page and someone insults the type style. (It's Courier, just like the rest of the script.) Although now that I look at it, it is too large. I use an old version of Movie Magic 2000 that makes the title page separately and has to be stitched together with the script to make one PDF. After hearing so many complaints about "No title page", I decided to do one and, this is the thanks I get. ;) (sigh)

I liked the story. It was probably one of the scariest nights of my life when I asked my wife to marry me. We've been married over thirty years now, and even though Ozzie is a caricature I can understand how anxious he was to get everything right when he popped the question.

It was a personal challenge to me, I wanted to see how many cliches I could use and still make the characters human. I don't hate Southerners, I live in the South and I love to listen to them talk. Talk about poetry, it's born in them. I spent years listening to and trying out accents from all over and even though I exaggerated in this story (it's comedy, that's what you do), it's not far off. I wasn't trying to insult New Yorkers (or New Jersyians) with Lou's accent in "Donuts and Spiders" either. (And yes that was exaggerated too.)

"Personal, certified, guaranty." "Sweet thing." Common expressions in the South. (In fact so common, I'd forgotten "sweet thing" might not be understood everywhere.) Sometime I'll try to imitate a Kentuckian. But there's a lot of accents their too, maybe the guy who gave us our dog. I drove the family fifty miles, from Lexington, and met at a small-town, gas station, in the hills. A huge, strong guy who was intimidating by just being him, stared at me for a long time, until I finally asked if he was the one with the pups. "Yep." And then he stared at me for a while longer, until I asked if they were in his pickup. He stared at me a little longer and then said, "Nope, they're up yonder on the knob." He pointed his thumb in the direction. I followed him up a twisty blacktop road and turned off on to a dirt lane, named Hatfield Road. (I'm not making this up.) About six of the friendliest dogs I've ever seen rushed up to us, wagging their tails off. My daughter found a puppy to fall in love with instantly and I wanted to leave, but the guy gave us a pup and that would be rude. So I got to listen to him repeat how glad he was that his "worthless no-account wife run off with another man", and how much it "didn't bother him because he had a good woman now". He was so "happy" about it he repeated it about twenty times (I don't think his wife had better ever come back "up yonder on the knob".) To change the subject, I commented on how nice the view was from his place. We were about two miles from the highway, and you could watch the occasional tiny car drive by, but you couldn't hear them. He said his "grandma left him the place, but he didn't like here -- it's too noisy." "OK, thanks for the pup, yep gettin' late, got to head back to Lexington."

Now Louisville, that's a different story. I spent two years trying to contort my throat enough to say Louisville like the natives say it and they just laughed at me.

I was born in Southern California, but my Dad, and my grandmother (who lived with us) were Marylanders and that's probably my natural accent. Creek = crick. Wash = warsh. Water = wutter. So I've got some baggage of my own.

Anyway, I like playing with accents.

This was one of those entries I knew was going to amuse me more than anyone else going in. I enjoyed it. Thanks for the comments. I hope some people got some chuckles out of it.

And if you didn't? "Peace brother, peace sister -- hell there ain't nothing to git riled up about."

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2012 9:24 AM

I loved the dialogue in your story. It had character and charm.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/1/2012 5:05 PM

Dan, I'm born and raised Southern and never once considered anything in your script as insulting. In fact, I think you did a fabulous job with the accents and expressions. It would be easy to really butcher it up and take the reader out of the story, but in my opinion you walked the fine line and didn't overdo any of it. That is NOT EASY to accomplish.

Gave this one a very good and think it should have gotten a lot more of them.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 11:17 PM

A VG from me. How did this not place? The dialogue is great.

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 4/3/2012 1:26 AM

Thanks, Chris Charlie and KP. I had a blast writing this (and everyone else who time to write a review).

Charlie -- I'm glad you didn't find it insulting. I was beginning to worry.

@KP
"Must've taken hours to write the dialogue."
That's the best compliment I got this month, thank you. It took about 1 1/2 hours. (Although, now I'm second-guessing some of Lulu May's dialogue. I pulled out some of her phrases, right before I submitted the entry, that I thought sounded a little too much like Ozzie's and probably should have spent more time smoothing it out.)

But it is what it is and it amuses me anyway.

I don't have a lot of time, again this month, but I'm going to take time to read all the "Champion" entries. I think it might be fun just reading them without worrying about what I'll say about each one.

Good luck.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 4/3/2012 2:30 PM

Dan, I thought this was good though. I hope you plan on entering more contests. I enjoyed your stories.