Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I like the characters you have started out with here. They have an interesting history.

However the dialogue is too 'on the nose.' it doesn't sound realistic and is way too revealing. Subtext and nuance make dialogue better.

I liked how you jumped right into the scene though with the marriage proposal.

I think with some polishing and fleshing out the scenes this script will jump out even more.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

Interesting...I like how different this script is. I think it would be an amusing short film to watch.

A little of the phrasing comes off awkwardly. The line about Sam being in the shape of late Elvis works really well in the description but feels a little forced when it's used in Alison's dialogue.

Watch Sam's intelligence level. That felt a little inconsistent. I liked the incorrect references, but if he's going to be that dumb, he's probably not going to refer to Alison's seduction in those terms.

AJ Smith (Level 2)

You write well, but I didn't care for the story you decided to tell. This might have been more satisfying if you had worked towards an ending (it felt more like you were throwing in the the third prop as an afterthought).

Also, I didn't understand the Sidney Poitier joke...

But I did enjoy the style of your writing. I could easily picture each event as you described it. I look forward to reading your next script!

Andrea Miklos (Level 2)

This was funny. At the beginning I sighed... oh well, what a cliché but then hey, that wasn't a cliché at all! Good work. I really liked the part where you used subtext (with Sidney Poitier) but sometimes you overexplained the situation. You should only deal with the look your characters if it plays an important part in the story. Otherwise just think of that but don't explicitly write it down - if the reader has to work on the story, you involve them in it and they will feel it's theirs. This is how you win them. (Or one way of winning them at least.) Thanks for the work, I really enjoyed.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Any script that uses both the phrases "Woody fuckin' Allen" and "bumfuzzled" is all right by me!

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

It's better to describe your characters in dialogue. Why mention that Sam looks like Elvis if Allison calls him that later? I'd cut that description and keep her line.

Underlining a word or two for emphasis is acceptable in a feature length screenplay. You have nine underlined words in a four page script. You're not the director. Doing this steps on the actor's toes. Let them work. If you don't think the line is clear, change it so it is. That goes for actions, too. On page three, you have Sam "gesturing emphatically". It's unnecessary. Again, let the actor do something besides read the lines.

Okay is a four letter word. OK is the abbreviation for Oklahoma. Speaking of which, you shouldn't abbreviate in a screenplay. Write the words as they're supposed to be read. "Doctor" instead of "Dr." "Mister" instead of "Mr." (Doc is acceptable, in dialogue.)

I'm not exactly sure the "Allison is bumfuzzled... She refrains." should be in a screenplay. You can write "She tilts her head, puts her finger to her chin, then shakes her head." or something along those lines, but to say how she feels and what she's about to do is a no-no. (I'm not sure bumfuzzled is a real word.)

It's a cute story. Woody Allen didn't marry his sister. It was his adopted daughter. I don't know if you wrote that on purpose, or it was a mistake. Besides the above comments, I think it's a good piece. Strong characters. The conflict is something a lot of people have probably experienced (minus the adopted part). I think the title's a little misleading. It's not about the bus fare at all.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Great title! This was a very funny read. I love all the twists and turns that your story takes and i can really see this film. It is a great script for two strong actors and would be a really nice one to shoot!

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

I think you would do well to investigate the use of subtext - also - way too many parentheticals, it actually takes us out of the action. Give your actions room to act, they'll figure out what to do from the dialogue and action.

I think you could conserve words and tighten up your description lines. It's a funny situation and I like the idea, I also like when she reveals that they thought they were brother and sister. But I think the actual story/reading experience gets lost in over description and parentheticals. You could do much more with much less here - show, don't tell is good advice but you don't actually have to show everything in the script itself:)

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This could be a diamond in the rough, but I think it needs polish. The situation is absurd (which is a good thing), the comedic pace is good, but I think some parts were repetiitive and some of the descriptions could be shortened up a bit.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was funny! I loved some of the lines - like 'I love you like Picasso loved his Mona Lisa' and it was a quirky story well told.

The pants to ring sequence - didn't quite follow smoothly - I mean, nothing wrong with going from pants to a ring as far as I'm concerned...and not quite clear how he concluded she wanted them back.

Great humour though and the bus fare touch was genius in summing up his character.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I really like the way this started out. Good description, great setup, witty dialogue and the just finding out they are not siblings reveal was spot on.

After that, though, it seemed to fall apart for me. Got a little creepy and the jokes seemed to miss their mark. And the coming back for the buck and a quarter seemed like it was put there because you forgot to get the "coin" into the story.

I truly think if you go back and rethink the last 3 pages, you could have a very original and funny film here. Hope you do, I'd love to read it.

Still, good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I liked this.

I really loved the twist where we find out that they thought they were brother and sister until three weeks ago, funny and bizarre.

Some of the dialogue is very clever, but I wish the characters felt a little more distinctive and age appropriate. For example, I wish Allison didn't curse and her references to Woody Allen and Elvis Presley feel like they are coming from an older soul.

Still, this was a lot of fun to read and I would love to read a rewrite.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Okay, first off, it grossed me out a little bit with the implied incest, but then I got it and it was okay. To get any emotion is a good thing and that includes "grossing out". ;-)

I don't think I have ever heard or seen the word "bumfuzzled" before.

The whole story made me laugh and it was very funny, hopefully, intentionally so.

I just thought the ending was very sudden and that it was just cut off. Seems like it ended just too quickly for such a big topic of conversation they were having!

Other wise, pretty good description and speech!

Good luck with this piece!

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

LOL! I was laughing through the whole thing. I think you did a great job making it funny in both the description and dialog. :D

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This was pretty bizarre but good. Some description could be pared down around the Sidney Poitier dialogue and action. Another surprise entry, good subject for some laughs.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Entertaining and original. At first I winced at the obvious exposition "we just found out...", etc., but I forgot about that as the icky argument ramped up. I get the feeling that you ran up against some space restraints as we did not "FADE OUT". Still, bravo!

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Good character sketch in a vignette of a revoltin' development. Some good banter and zingers. (Note for future - try to avoid page breaking dialogue in the middle of a sentence (until you're established.))

John Foley (Level 4)

In your format I think it is better if you capitalize instead of underlining the words that the actors should be emphasing. This script plot was too creepy for me though to enjoy. I think if you are going to have characters like this and their situation they need to have some compelling reson why a reader would be interested in them despite their creepy circumstances.

Kirk White (Level 5)

some of this was quite interesting but never really developed. I didn't understand the brother/sister angle...and really wanted to because that was a unique approach. The comedy stuff was good...but I'm giving this a fair because the script felt like it was missing a big chunk of info. Right now it reads like an excuse to do the bit with the pants.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

You certainly got the emotions down pat. I would think that the incest taboo would have been strong enough that certainly a seventeen year old would have avoided it, unless of course they both have some real emotional issues. I would also think that there would have been a sense of relief to have found that they were not related in the first place. But with that being said overall a nice job.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I'm not sure I really followed this one. I don't see brother and sister acting this way - but I could be wrong. Were they having sex as brother and sister? If so why is Alison reacting the way she is - if she was a willing participant? Why is she dating him if she feels that way? It doesn't really add up to me. It was a very creative idea but IMHO it didn't work.

I think you need to be much clearer about their mixed up relationship because otherwise you are going to confuse the reader. Also, you should keep an eye on your parentheticals. Some of them were completely unecessary.

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Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Off-beat but pretty entertaining. As soon as you had Allison state that three weeks ago they just found out they were not brother and sister, I spent the rest of the time wondering if you would disclose how that came up. When it didn't, I wondered how these two got along so well without that knowledge but I also had a great time with the off-the-wall references in the dialogue. Pretty funny visually too with him taking off the pants. Nice, original take on the challenge and a fun read. Enjoyed this a lot. Maybe add a line or two about HOW they found out that key bit of information.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Good flowing script. I liked the dialog, it was pretty funny.

I would change the description of Sam from "elvis" to maybe "chubby". Then the dialog where Allison refers to Elvis would be funnier.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

There are some good moments in this script. The ending is better than the beginning. I actually thought the proposal was cute where he had to write it all down on his hand.

I wasn't real keen on the dialogue about them being brother and sisters, I admit that threw me for a minute.

I like the humor in this and it would probably show well on the screen.

The use of the three small round things was well done. Visually it's good and the concept, while a little weird, is unique and well written.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

This wasn't laugh out loud funny but, it was a fun, fast and funny read. The descriptions and dialog were written well and the story had nice pacing. Nice job.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I really liked a lot about this story. The character's relationship is well drawn, complex and twisted - which made it very interesting. I had once written a short about two teens who were dating, and find themselves in a similar situation when their divorced parents marry and turn them into step-siblings. Your script had some genuinely funny moments, real emotional conflict, and natural sounding dialog. I would have given you an even better score if the ending had been stronger, the tale lacked a resolution.

A couple of nit-picks: The "late Elvis" would be the dead Elvis. I think you meant latter-day Elvis as in too-fat-for-the-jumpsuit. I'm also not a fan of physical character descriptions, I understand why Sam has to look like Elvis and I'm ok with him, but there was no reason for Allison to have black hair and red lipstick, next time describe the character rather than her appearance.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Great conflict here between Allison and Sam- Jerry Springer waiting to happen...Taking the pants off is great slapstick...Funny!

Terry Huskey (Level 2)

Very amusing story and quite comical as well. I wasn't sure if there was supposed to be only 4 pages to this script or not. There was no FADE OUT at the end of the script, so I hope it wasn't my computer messing up.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The idea for this story is very interesting. I don’t feel that the characters held up their end of the bargain. The dialogue started off well enough, and some of the dialogue was smart and funny, but I wanted something else from it. I’m not exactly sure what that is, but that is the feeling I’m left with.

Again, a great idea that if tightened up, can be a wonderful, humorous story.

Comments Made After the Contest

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/15/2007 10:42 AM

Good job, hope you go back for a rewrite, think it could be really hilarious.