Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Could have a winner here. Great symbolism with the bird cage and star. Nice dialogue. Nice repetition of Timmy's line. Nice subtext in their interaction together.

Truly accomplished piece. The writer has great skills. Very impressive.

As to the word integration, same thing I've seen with the other scripts I've read so far. one word strong, the other slightly weaker. Poet-laureate was a nice touch. But movie simply comes action description albeit concerning a Time Travel film so kind of apt.

Can't really see much... if anything wrong with it. Only the lack of any real gut-wrenching twist or unique take stops it getting an Excellent. Instead- VERY GOOD.

(although it's early days at the moment so may come back to this one and grade higher)

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

A universal theme we can all relate to I think; wishing we could go back in time to undo mistakes we made.

I liked the twist where I first thought Robert was going to do time travel (away for four years) but turns out he is going to have to go to jail and is trying desperately to find a way to go back in time to fix things.

This piece is also very much about time. It starts with the beeping watch and it ends with the beeping watch.

Nice setup-payoff combination where Robert explains how it can take a long time for a star that died to actually dim on the sky. In the end we see it die, symbolic for another thing that died int hat family; the hope that Robert can stay out of jail.

Timmy, and then mother set the bird free, symbolic for their hope that their son and brother would be free again.

In the end you can not change what you did in the past... a sad but all too familiar theme.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I enjoyed this story. Great "twist" ending, nice character development, nice dialogue, nice format, etc.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Great use of symbols - the watch, the bird, the sweatshirt...

I felt that Timmy was too mature in his dialogue and grasp of concepts for a 10 year old.

I'm not sure that the mention of Moores Law and the Fermi Paradox helped forward the plot - just added unnecessary complexity that distracted from a heartfelt tale.

Still, the more I read this the better I liked it.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This was fabulous - kept me thinking, wondering if the older brother was attempting time travel. Your style is wonderful, particularly your dialogue - which is deep and thoughtful. I really felt the pain your characters were experiencing. Your images work extremely well and your use of the words movie and poet were so seamless that I had to go back to make sure they were there.

Think it is a real contender good luck

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love "Time Travel" stories and I thought this was a beautiful take on the genre.

I read this one twice to make sure I got it all and I'm glad I did. Your descriptions, characters, and dialogue are all great.

I loved the rhyming of the opening and the ending - it was poetic (especially that last line).

Great story - very well done.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Well written, well developed story, its all swell, but why am I not excited by it?

This accident-- the details are too vague. I'm left to guess it was a drunk-driving accident...

Then, why is everything so ordinary? Stanford-boy to prison ok-- it just feels wrong that he's sooo regretful -AND- the same kid that went DUI. In a way it seems too right. And to boot, he's got this impossible notion he'll change time and make it right-- cliched I'm afraid.

So why a VERY GOOD? The story telling is strong, it's just not the right story [for me].

David M Troop (Level 4)

Free

page 1 - wearing
Nice foreshadowing with the Stanford sweatshirt.
Good symbolism with the caged bird.
page 2 - The word "movie" appears.
Again, good bits of dialogue to throw us off. "Visiting" the father after church. Robert going away for at least four years makes us think he is going to college.
page 3 - time travel is two words, no hyphen
Reveals the father is dead.
Nice dialogue between Robert and Timmy.
INT. CAR (PARKED) -don't need parked if you have the car idles in the action.
passenger seat is two words, no hyphen
Robert is some sort of math genius. Timmy also shows signs of a high IQ.
page 4 - driver seat is two words, technically driver's seat
passenger seat is two words, no hyphen
should be pleaded or pled
Reveals Robert won't be going to college after all.
page 5 - bird cage is two words, no hyphen...oh, I give up.
The word "poet" appears
I liked how you used the radio news V.O. to tie everything together as the family goes about their business.
releasing, wearing
the night's stars? starry night or just stars

Overall, I thought this was executed very well. You kept us in the dark as long as you could before exposing everything and wrapping up on page five which was nicely done with the V.O.
I thought the symbolism was good with the caged bird and the passing down of the Stanford sweatshirt from the dad to Robert to Timmy.
Good usage of the contest requirements.
Minor formatting problems. You went a little hyphen crazy. I had to keep clicking back and forth to the on line dictionary.
Your characters were real. Your dialogue was very good. Again, nice foreshadowing in the dialogue.

VERY GOOD

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

I had to re-read the ending a couple times to see if I "got it." And I'm afraid I just didn't get it. Did he time travel? What's with the car accident? Was he just waiting on the verdict of the trial the whole time?

Too many questions for me, but I'm sure others will get it.

Your writing, however, is flawless. Very good visuals. I won't mark off points because I failed to get it. It's still very good.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

What a poetic end. I think I'm going to get a time travel adventure, and well, in a way it was, just not an adventure. Nice twist, but not very entertaining for me. Not a problem, it was written well, and turned out to be a "thinking man's" story that will be appreciated.

Didn't care for the all the radio broadcast full of the exposition at all.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This was a delightful read and it earned an EXCELLENT from me. I loved the symbolism of the bird cage. I love the way I thought we were doing a time travel story but we weren't. I loved the way the watch and star was used in the story. I have no suggestions. A really wonderful job.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I have mixed feelings about your screenplay. I like much of your dialogue. Especially your line, "That means no" which you use twice.

On the other hand, there isn't a lot of tension, drama or conflict and your storyline doesn't support an engaging read. Two brothers looking at stars, the capture and release of a bird, a broadcast that explains the connection of what's gone on before. Where is the high drama in this?

Lastly, a small point. "who reluctantly (but eventually) accepts it. No need to include (but eventually).

I'm rating this a Good and hope this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Time travel movie
poet laureate

Tight story. Solid formatting and organization. The culmination of the star going out, the free bird, the Stanford sweatshirt, the mom crying and Robert's fate fit together like a dovetail joint.

Advice? Mm. Cut the symbolism of the bird and use that space for characters.

GOOD

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I.... loved it. Wow. :'{ This was so powerful. It was amazing. So many metaphors. The twist. Ah... so refreshing. Quality, quality work here. Absolutely phenomenal.

Excellent all the way through.

Jeremy Rose (Level 2)

Hello! Is, this thing on? I was really drawn into this story because I am a father of five. I can identify with Robert and Timmy. I thought the writer did a good job setting the scene. I felt like I was there one second and then it came to a crashing hault.I'm a little puzzled. I feel a little cheated. I wanted more but a little mystery can be good also. I personally think we needed more detail to end the story.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Aaaawww! What can I say, another aaaawww to fill the space here and be able to vote. Beautiful short. A winner? Yes! Congrats in advance! Or am I crazy... It's either me or them if it's not - I'm leaning towards "them".

Kirk White (Level 5)

very sweet; a little heavy on the time travel factoids but I get what you're trying to accomplish. I think this would make a really solid film

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Love a good mislead. Didn't see the reveal that Robert's off to prison, for "at least four years," coming.
Such an easy read. Nice frame with Robert sitting under the stars at the beginning and Timmy taking his place at the end. Robert's dialogue has an appropriate edge, and Timmy sounds like a ten-year-old.
Not sure that it's perfectly clear why Mom wanted Robert to help her catch the bird. Expected her to want to talk to him privately. Instead, they discuss Timmy and church.
The title is fitting. May reflect Mom's ability to let her bird free, yet she's unable to do the same for her son.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I enjoyed the multiple dovetailing themes of the caged bird, the bright star, the watch, and the time travel.

From a script structure point of view, however, it felt a little odd to have the last third of the script devoted to the backstory, told from the conveniently impersonal viewpoint of the radio broadcaster. The teasing dialogue of the characters up to that point clearly indicated some reason for the father's absence, and the radio broadcaster confirms all our worst suspicions, but it just seems to last for a melodramatically long amount of time. As soon as the radio broadcaster enters the script, we know that we're going to be given "the solution" to the mystery of the script. It feels like a bit of an anticlimax getting there, though, because it takes an entire page.

"You wouldn’t want a chance to go back and right all your wrongs?" This line also felt forced, because Timmy hardly has any wrongs to right at 10 years old, making the question more important for Robert than the conversation.

This story is a true cast ensemble piece, because I can't figure out who the protagonist is. It's almost as though the symbolism is more important than the characters. But of course the symbolism should be secondary to story, and story is almost always about character and choices.

The biggest issue: there are no choices to be made by characters in this story. All their choices have already been made.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Nice job of misdirection. Dont know the specifics, but wouldnt Robert go to prison straight from sentencing for a crime like this? Not a huge deal, but it did leave me wondering. A few other small issues - if Mom wanted Roberts help, why didnt she wait for him in the beginning? If she didnt need his help, just remove that dialogue.

The piece was well executed but I wish I would have gotten a better feel for Robert. I felt like I was kept at arms length from all the characters (partially necessary to pull the switcheroo at the end), but I wouldve liked a few more character moments to really put us with Robert. The writing was easy to read and follow, though a little more detail about the world wouldnt have hurt. Nice job!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I was going to quit reviewing because I have so much going on right now, but I've read this so many times and I can't not comment.

This is wonderfully written and executed. Very, very moving.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

There was something very cool about this but I had to read it twice (not good) and even then I still had some questions. I liked the time travel stuff but I just wsn't sure why it was there. At first read I thought that Robert was going to time travel but then we see he's going to jail. I liked that but...why was it there? Were they trying to trick Timmy so he wouldn't know his brother was going to jail? Was Robert in some kind of weird denial? Or was it just paralell conversation?

The radio VO gave it all away. And it started when Robert was still in the car with his mother and Timmy saying that he "began" his 18 year sentence. Were they on the way to take him to jail? Did the Radio Announcer jump the gun? That was confusing.

Your use of the words 'movie' and 'poet' to me felt like they were just thrown in there. The movie 'Primer' plays in the background...I had to Google it because I had no idea what that movie was about. And the Radio Announcer says the father was a Poet. I don't know, they both just felt like they were thrown in to fit the challenge.

So I thought the writing here was great and easy to read but the story, even though it had some interesting parts, ended up with too many holes.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the twist that Robert was going to prison.

It's not quite clear how this relates to the time travel elements, or whether Robert succeeds.

Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

There wasn't a lot in the title to grab onto before reading this, but it all comes together.

Fourth excellent in a row. This is going to be a tough month!

Good imagery in this one - the watch, the bird, time travel. You kept the reveal hidden very well also.

I liked the ending with Timmy putting on his brother's sweatshirt and watch. The idea of witnessing a significant (constellation) star dye has always intrigued me.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I liked that. Lyrical feel. At first I thought the time-travel conversation was a bit weird and then I got it. Well done.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I like how it's ambiguous about where Robert is going - all the allusions to time travel make it seem as if he's off to NASA.

There's lots of talking and not many visuals and the twist is told to us via the radio rather than shown to us. Wouldn't Robert being shut in cell offset the bird being set free be a strong contrasting visual?

Not sure I got the point about the fading/dying stars? is that how Robert feels about rpison or his father?

what kind of bird was it?

Nicely written

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

It opens really slow and the whole thing about all the time-travel stuff is kind of useless. Doesn't really drive the story and actual dates the film quite badly.

At the end, the reveal of the accident is well done, although you stick to the broadcast a little too long and make it a bit too sappy with the stars.

It's a good story, great maybe, but the execution is severely lacking. Should have drawn me in, but didnt.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a strong effective story. The misdirection works well and I like the relationship of the brothers.

It might be that their talk of time travel goes on longer than it needs to considering that it doesn't seem to pay-off.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I haven’t notice any grammar errors. Your visuals are good, and I haven’t found any “telling,” in the story.

So Robby goes to prison for manslaughter as his family wishes him the best. That’s basically the central premise of the story. While the story is decent, I feel that it is dialogue heavy, and the story has not moved anywhere.

Your characters and dialogue are all real. The scene transitions between scenes are excellent. All of the scenes are necessary, and I didn’t find any that do not belong in the script. In addition, the time leaps are close enough, so it makes this a smooth read.

I just don’t think that the story really moved forward, in my opinion. I really don’t have any suggestions as to what you should do to move the story a little bit further.
The middle of the story is a big long, and the beginning, which is the setup, is good. Your story’s theme is well focused too.

I’m guessing that this is a Drama, though it feels like a crime type story at first.
That’s all I have to critique.

I'm not sure if "Free" fits the story, since Robert is going away. The bird being freed probably sets the title, though I don't find it that important in the plot.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There's some wonderful poet imagery in this script. I wanted more from Robert's character. It's not disclosed or hinted at why he did this terrible thing and that would go a long way toward empathy.

The dynamic between Robert and Timothy was well done and I liked the way you bookended the opening with the closure at the end.

The timing element, along with the caged bird worked well. The radio broadcaster filling the back story wasn't bad but seemed a little convenient. I did enjoy the sly way you worked the challenge words into the script. Very nice and natural.

This was a very fluid script. The pages turned well and I was drawn in and held in throughout. There's no excess here and a lot of writers will benefit from reading the way you built the story. This would also make a great short film. The imagery paints itself and would translate well to film. Good luck.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Except for the slightly on-the-nose exposition at the via the radio, which really rushes the climax, I thought this was taut, poetic and quite a poignant coming of age tale with a twist subtlely woven through some nice dialogs.

Very good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The reveal that he's going to jail surprised me. I was not expecting that, but of course you kept reveal hidden until the end. I was a little suprised that he was still home and not incarcerated.

I wonder what happened, that he got ten years. I mean, it said it was a car accident. I assume he was driving, but how did he kill them? That really needed to be addressed.

I did like this short, interesting characters and subtext. I felt sad for Timmy, he seemed like he really loved his brother and he just seemed sort of mixed up and sad.

It was well written and visually strong. Well done.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Great job, sad story, nice twist. I never saw it coming.

It seems (to me) that the story's emotional impact could be a little greater, though. This boy's about to go to jail for a significant amount of time (for a crime which cost his father's life), and all three of these people just seem to shuffle through his last few hours of freedom. Seems like it coulda been more emotional.

And isn't that what a piece like this is about, intense emotion? A nicely delivered twist is a great thing in a story, but it's even better if it leads the story somewhere. Look at "The Sixth Sense". A shocking twist when we find out Bruce Willis is a ghost, but what's really significant is the flood of emotions we feel -- we like this guy, we appreciate how much he loves his wife, how sad it is that he's dead.

One much smaller comment. No one ever says Robert's name. So when the radio broadcaster says, "...eighteen year-old Robert McKenna began his ten-year prison sentence today," will the audience get it? (Actually, I think they probably will, but it couldn't hurt to have his mother say, "I wanted you to help me, Robert." Just to seal the deal.) But no biggie.

It's a well-crafted story and screenplay. I enjoyed reading it very much. A little more emotional impact would have been great, though.

My Score: Very Good.

Stefan Feuerherdt (Level 1)

Nice story, good twist. Characters were likeable. Despite holding back on the twist, the dialogue seemed a little "on the nose", and maybe too adult for the 10-year old (even if he's smart, still might talk more like a kid- his naivete might even add to the story). Enjoyed the ending image, too, of bringing it back around to the dying star.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

While the beginning was intriguing, either the story just fell apart or I didn't get it. I got a little lost in the talky dialog, suggest some editing. The buzz words about Fermi Paradox and Moore's Law might have been more interesting if Robert tried to explain it to Timmy so those not in the know can ponder the concept of time travel. And instead of us hearing Robert went to prison on the radio we should have SEEN IT or a tearful goodbye so it would have more emotional impact. And don't the cops come get you to take you to jail? Everything was "explained" at the end without me feeling it.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Best script I've read so far this month, I'm giving this one an excellent. I genuinely didn't see the twist coming, you worked it in beautifully.

Only thing I wasn't sure about is if the radio would be broadcasting news about him beginning his sentence. I've never head that before, might be something that happens in the USA though.

Loved the writing and your use of theme here, really good effort.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I'm a little perplexed by this.

The entire script is devoted to getting us to believe Robert is going to perform an experiment in time travel, then at the end, we discover he's going to jail.

This is very odd disconnect. If you were trying for a surprise twist, I am sorry, but it didn't work as intended.

Ultimately, I'm left not understanding what the point of the story is.

The writing is smooth and your craft is good. I just think the story isn't completely thought out.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Very well done. I love the twist. Excellent. After I stopped applauding your twist, I started thinking about the actual crime and how this could have taken place and was a bit puzzled.

I assume his father was in the car he was driving? If not, he was in the other car? While the crime seems implausible, it does not detract from the fine tale told with great skill.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This is very well written, with good dialogue and good format. As a story, I find it a bit slow, in that really not much happens here. The reveal that he's going to prison is the one thing, but then we knew he was going somewhere, so it's just a matter of finding out where. I don't feel like the time-travel aspect is fully fleshed out, and the religious aspect is only superficial. The metaphor of the bird seems a bit heavy-handed. Personally, I'd rather you got rid of some of the birds and staring at the sky, and focused more on the different ways the characters are dealing with their tragedy and trying to make things right. It's a really good idea, though, and might have worked better for me if it were a few pages longer, so you could flesh it out a little. As is, it's a lot of stuff in a small package, and it all ends up a little shallow. Good job overall, though. I'm nit-picking a little.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2012 12:24 AM

Congratulations! I'm so happy to see you in Second Place. Wonderful script.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 12:40 AM

My favorite! Congrats, I'm so glad it's at the top.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/1/2012 12:50 AM

I knew this one would finish well. Great work.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 1:18 AM

Congrats Paul, excellent work.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 1:51 AM

Way to go PW!
Second place in a tournament of champions. Wow.
Many congratulations.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 2:53 AM

Great work! Congratulations! Well deserved - and I hope you film it.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 4:59 AM

Congrats Paul!

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 3:18 PM

Thanks, everybody for everything. It was such a great month of scripts, I really can't believe this placed second.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 8:53 PM

So glad this placed high. One of my excellents.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 4/2/2012 9:40 PM

Congrats on your second place win, Paul!!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 4/16/2012 5:02 PM

Just read this again Paul. Almost brought tears to my eyes. Just wonderful.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 4/17/2012 5:07 PM

Aww, thanks, JPC and everyone else. I'm happy this story resonated with some people.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 4/19/2012 5:31 AM

I didn't get the story until I read the smart reviews. How silly of me. I probably should have rated this as Excellent if I knew what it was about. lol

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 4/19/2012 5:24 PM

Hi, Reginald, I thought your review was just fine. You had good observations and points, and you rated how you saw fit at the time you initially read it.

I appreciate you taking the time to write a note here though.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5) ~ 1/22/2013 8:10 PM

I'm currently seeking a script to produce in summer '13. Might you consider allowing a group of us to work on this one? No promises since it is a collaborative effort and the team will all present interesting script as possibilities.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 1/22/2013 9:18 PM

Sure, you can email me with the details anytime. My email address in my bio page is still current. Thanks for your interest.