Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Fun... but ultimately seems to go nowhere. Once the unpredictable of the zombies is introduced, it's all sort of predictable from there. comedic, but ultimatley unsatisfying.

Dialogue is great. Effortlessly flows. Very impressive. The action description, likewise is written very well.

Integration of the two words is done well in one instance (ain't like 'movies'), but there's a slight disconnect with the other that feels crow-barred and unnatural. If you describe someone in this manner you might say 'Rocket Scientists they ain't...' Or what is more likely in terms of ironic zombie context 'Brain surgeons they ain't...'

....But 'Poets they ain't?' Doesn't really follow. There's no way this would be written like this without the confines of the contest rules, so it ends up feeling out of place.

Ultimately, it's a brilliantly told little story which ultimately goes nowhere and is just to predictable to go beyond a- FAIR. But the writer has SKILLS!

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Certainly different.

Wasn't quite for me. I had to stop readin several times and did find it a bit hard to get going again, but that may have been my distractions.

Poor old grandma and Mr Boo - those boys were hungry.

It was a fair read, had some good lines but for one reason or another didn't hold my attention

All the best

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

This is the like the third or fourth script where I've seen the title on the same page as the first script. Maybe this is the new norm.

Okay, as for the script, it wasn't bad. I chuckled at the line about them being twins instead of answering her direction question about them being zombies. The ending was a bit perdictable with the dog and the old lady.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Ha ha ha!

Poets they ain't - clumsy.

You use commas strangely quite often. 'Can he carry stuff, in that, condition?'. 'But, are they really, zombies?'

The arm falls off, funny. The finger falls off - same joke - no longer funny.

I just wish it all hadn't been quite so predictable. Amusing, but predictable.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

You have a twisted sense of humor -- I like it. Quite an active imagination, this is well written and quirky.
I feel sorry for grandma.
The end is a bit predicatable and thus lets us down a bit.

Good job, but want a better hook at the end.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love a good zombie story and this is an interesting and quirky take on the genre.

The characters are fun and the setup here is great. I just wish the ending held more surprises. I never had high hopes for Mr. Boo or Grandma Liz and it might have been cool to see a twist in the end.

Still, your craft is good, I just think the story needs a bit more oomph in the end.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

The moving premise was very lame, the only thing there to take was Grandma.

Mr. Boo -- just say dog.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

A fun idea, and very well written. However, though often hilarious, I felt you dwelled too long on the section where Bob has to explain himself to Mattie. And this occurs at the expense of the ending, I thought, which seemed a little quick and could have been meatier. But all inn all a nice little flick.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Two Zombies and a Truck

Don't zombies ever get boring? Not here on Movie Poet.

I've only been reading scripts on MP for eight months and even I suspect a trend.
I can only imagine what the rest of you are going through.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some zombies. And I still believe there is a fresh way to bring them to the screen. Some premises are great, some are - meh.

I appreciate putting two zombies into everyday life. That's a pretty funny idea.
And making them two moving guys works because - well, hey, I've seen some moving guys who looked like zombies. So, nice set up for lots of laughs, right?
Meh.

You had all the right ideas, but the execution was off somehow. Maybe, it was too predictable? Sticking Grandma in the back with zombies. The empty dog collar. Zombie body parts falling off willy-nilly. Grandma's shoe.

It seemed like a can't miss idea with recycled zombie jokes.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Very unique, very funny, very good. I hope this gets made, the pacing was good, the dialogue was fresh. This really is very good and refreshing change of pace, even in zombie comedy.

Good luck.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I've always said, I really don't like Zombie stories but this one was different. I actually liked it, the story and the writing (though I saw the ending coming). I liked it so much it earned an EXCELLENT from me.

One thing to note, on page two, Bob's dialogue... "He's was born first." I think the writer meant "He was born first."

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Your title pretty much summed up the entire premise of your storyline.

Essentially, a woman unloads her granny and the granny's pet dog by hiring a family moving company (that would be the father and his two zombie sons) who really don't move anything and presumably devour the granny and dog.

My best criticism is that your storyline doesn't feel like an engaging story premise in spite of the comic horror elements you've thought up. That written, comedy admittedly has got to be one of the most difficult things to write successfully and I think it is
very gutsy and brave of you to have tried your hand at it. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

You can’t judge them by what you’ve seen in the movies.
Don’t worry, poets they ain’t but they’re both good workers.

Amusing take off on popular Two Men and a Truck movers. A fun vibe to the writing and pacing. The scenario was not a rip and raunch nor did it pretend to be. The script could be the first G rated Z short film made.

GOOD

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - well the title works for the story but I have a hard time taking anything with "zombies" in the title seriously.
Craft - your craft is mostly very good.
Dialogue - the dialogue didn't work for me. I don't understand why Mattie Sween would feel the need to explain things in such detail to a guy she hired to move things. It just didn't feel natural.
Action lines - your action lines were fine, clear and concise.
Story - the story was fine and I liked the humor of it.

James C. Schlicker (Level 1)

It is really a pleasure to read the work of a REAL GOOD writer. Usually reading others work is more of a chore for me because of the material I’m reading. But TWO ZOMBIES and A TRUCK is nothing short of GREAT!

I could visually see everything on each page as if I were watching the film, and Bob, Mattie Sween, and the boys Phil and Will were great characters to enjoy.

Loved the ending! The crew never has to stop for lunch, giving eating on the road a new meaning. Great job!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Okay, when Bob mentioned the dog's weight, I knew it was going to die. The thing is, why? I didn't understand the significance of killing the dog. I wanted a solid reason. So because of that, I didn't get the ending. It didn't seem to lead anywhere.

But other than the ending... damn this was good. I felt the atmosphere through the writing. I loved the dialogue. Especially the lady. She was hilarious. Your actions were written perfectly. I could imagine everything crystal clear. Very, very top notch writing. And it was funny.

Great screenplay, but again, the ending needed work. I'll give this a VG.

Jeremy Rose (Level 2)

In my opinion, "Two Zombies and a Truck" was a cmical little story. I found it amusing bot on the other hand I am not a fan. It is completely unrealistic which places it in the so stupid that it is funny but serves no real purpose. I could not see a script like this selling. It does bring one question to mind though. What does shi tsu taste like?

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 6
Story: 3
Originality: 2
Action: 7
Dialogue: 6
Readability: 6

This was well written but the story lacked anything to grab my attention. I liked some of the visuals but they weren't enough to carry the story. The zombie arm falling off seemed somewhat familiar.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is really funny. I think you shouldn't change anything in it. It works this way for me.
Excellent, I think.

Kirk White (Level 5)

it's cute and you know I do loves me some Zombies... there are some elements where it seems like you don't quite have 100% of your tone nailed down but overall I enjoyed.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Funny stuff. The mental picture of Bob and his two zombie sons at wacky Mattie's house are a hoot. It's fun to read a story, especially an original zombie one, that is more than talking and devouring people (and dogs?).
So Phil and Will ate Boo too? Grandma Liz's black shoes are tossed into the tulips outside the county home, but there's no specific mention of what happened to the dog.
The title is great. Describes exactly what the story's about, it's visual, and memorable.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Well this certainly delivers on the title. Your writing style was simple and easy enough to follow, but the story felt like it lingered and didn't really go anywhere. There were a number of repeated beats (Mattie complaining about Grandma, the arm falling out and the finger falling off) which led the piece to feel slow and undercut some of the potential comedy. I was also expecting them to eat the dog and/or Grandma all along, so when it happens in the end it doesn't come so much as a surprise or development as what was expected all along. With the prevalence of zombie comedies that have been around, I feel like in this genre you need to do a few things to surprise an audience or go against their expectations, but here everything turned out pretty much as expected.

I was also a bit confused about the backstory (though I didnt pay this too much mind given the tone of the story) - Bob says the boys were born but I was under the impression zombies were humans who became infected. I dont really think you need to dwell on this either, though the mention of stereotypes from movies was a good beat.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was funny.

You don't need to have Mattie Sween repeat her justification for moving Grandma Liz into a home several times.

Very good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Cute idea. However, I don't think there were many major surprises. Zombie stuff is kind of tough to do because of that. As this stands they eat the grandma and the dog, which is what the reader will expect them to do. For this to really work, I think you have to make the zombies the most human of the characters presented. That would take a few more pages but I think they you will have something different happening here.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Cute idea but I did see the ending coming!

The light tone is great and visuals are strong, especially the final image of the finger in the laces byt the home.

The dialogue is way too full of exposition and on the nose:

'Grandma Liz is going to the county
home. I need to get rid of her,
get rid of her things so we can
sell this old dump of a house.'

poeple don't talk like that, especially to strngers, unless it's a peculiar character trait, but they both do it and it's right the way through the script.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I dunno. It's moving zombies and a truck. Not bad, but totally expected and never really funny or surprising. You deliver what you said in the title and went through all the cliches.

Not badly written, but not really great either. Middle Road.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Congratulations on your eligibility to enter this contest.

I think someone out there should get their Ph.D. studying why zombie stories have become so wildly popular over the past decade. It has to say something about the state of our society.

Provide an age for Mattie Sween when we first meet her.

This is fun, and the dialogue throughout, particularly Bob's, is very humorous; but I feel, in the end, we're just left with another zombie story.

Your screenwriting is good; format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Good.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

There is a nice amusing gag in this. The idea of zombies being used for cheap labor works well.

For me though, I'm not sure this script gets much beyond that basic gag. The ending is exactly what I was expecting to happen so it didn't feel fresh to me.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

I am a big zombie fan and I thought the premise of the piece was really interesting. It is always hard to find a new angle to zombie themes and this is one way of doing it. I liked the humour with the finger and the arm. I liked the way Mattie reacted to the zombies in the first instance: not with fear but more with curiousity. HOwever, the ending was way too predictable. The part with the dog was also confusing: first, why would anyone on meeting a dog, guess the dog's weight? Second, zombies dont eat dogs. Also, what does Mattie have to do with a probation officer? So while it started off well, I think it can do with a rewrite.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The scene transition from the office to the old house is so, so.

The screenplay looks professionally written and formatted, except for the title, which is on the first page. I’m not sure if having a title in the first page is acceptable. Your writing is economic too, which makes this an easy read.

I find this script entertaining, and sort of comedic a little. Bob raises two twin zombies.

So the story is about a dummy who allows a father of two zombies to baby sit her grandmother. This story is cleaver and funny to me.
All of the scenes run smoothly, the description matches the locations, the characters are all real, and the dialogue is too.

The laspse between time change are all close, which makes this story more dramatic.

All the scenes are focused on the main idea of the screenplay, which makes this an easy read. The only thing I don’t like about this is, Bob doesn’t really have to lie about him being a retailer or the like. Other than that, everything else is fine.
I have nothing else to critique here.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There were sone genuinely funny moments here. I think the scene where Will and Phil's body parts fall off and are re-attached would play very funny to an audience. My favorite line was Bob's about the dog - about six pounds I'd say. Fantastic.

Overall though, this was fun but there wasn't much here besides an amusing skit of a story. There weren't many visuals to speak of. The closing image maybe but there were no character arcs or goals or likeable, unique characters.

You write in a very entertaining manner and, as I said, I think this comedy would play well to a festival audience. As far as construtive notes on the script itself, giving Mattie's age might help on the opening page and I would use either her first or last name the rest of the way, not both (Mattie Sween). Finally, and this is really just a personal preference - If you put in the slug line that we're in an 'office' you don't need to repeat that word in the stage direction. Opening scene. If your slug reads SHABBY BUSINESS OFFICE, we know exactly where we are and you can start right away with describing Bob. Good luck and thanks for sharing this script. It was a lot of fun in a pretty serious month of entries.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Other than a few typos and the odd plot question of "How could Zombies GROW up?" keep me from scoring this an excellent.

This is refreshingly original, has some great visual gags and had me hooked throughout, though I saw the end coming.

Very good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I'm not a fan of zombies anyway, so any zombie script I read, is automatically going to have to set the bar for me to vote it good.
This script needs some work, to make it good. I am guessing the zombies ate Grandma? or the dog? I felt it needed more work to make it stand out from the many many zombie movie scripts that are out there.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Poor Grandma Liz! Poor Mr. Boo! Zombie food!

This was a cute and funny new twist on the zombie genre -- trainable zombie movers. And just what the doctor ordered for Mattie Sween. Solved several of her problems at once. No fuss, no muss.

My only real comment would be that it's a little predictable. It's pretty obvious early on what the ultimate outcome is gonna be. It could have been a little more fun with a surprise or two at the end.

But, no matter. It was a lot of fun anyway.

Well written.

My Score: Very Good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

You had me at "Two Zombies"... love the title. I enjoyed the premise & thought it was fun, and could have been funnier if the dialog were a little snappier & we had more visuals like the bit with the dog. Character intros could be improved, make me see their personality rather than define them by what they wear.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Title should be on a title page, not first page of your script. Should have extra spacing between Fade In and first scene header.

When I read the name Mattie Sween I assumed it was a man, never heard a woman called Mattie before. You don't need a last name, it's not adding anything here.

'Both are obviously zombies'. This just feels like really lazy writing. How are they obviously zombies? It's your job to describe things so we can visualise it, don't just take the easy way out.

You've got a few issues here with your use of the ellipses not being correctly formatted.

The story, like the title, feels a bit uninspired. I think you could have made a few choices to take the story in directions we weren't expecting, but it all just follows a straight line and nothing unexpected happens. Your title gives away that they are zombies, we expect them to eat the dog and the old woman, and that's what happens. I think you could have done more with the premise.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This is a funny sort of gag script, but the granny as zombie food is clear from the get go and there really isn't much in the way of plot. It's a humorous setup and could be part of a feature script. Not sure it stands on its own, though.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

What a weird story. And not in the funny, goofy way. Everything that I expected to happen, happened. There was no surprises or fun here. The zombies did everything I expected them to do. This was boring :(

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I sighed when I saw the title - due to my Zombiest tendencies. But grow and learn, I say.

It was a fun script, well written and a bit of a different take on the Zombie genre.

Comments Made After the Contest

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 4/1/2012 1:54 AM

This has a goofy charm that I really love. Great job, David!

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 11:25 PM

A VG from me. How did this story not place with all the zombie fans here?
Nevermind. You converted a bunch of us, and that's an accomplishment. :)

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 4/4/2012 4:36 PM

This was quite entertaining - I have it at Excellent..

David D. DeBord (Level 5) ~ 4/4/2012 5:59 PM

Merci to the three of you. Always good to get positive comments. Always good also to receive all types of feedback, positive and not so much positive. It helps us grow.