Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Had to give this a very good due to the way it's written. Enthralling description, attention to detail and strong active verbs. Very entertaining. And now a confession. I didn't get it. I hate saying that because I always get the movie twists. I tend to see beyond the subtext no matter how subtle... and yet this had me baffled. The photos aren't explained in enough detail. IT's not described as a flashback although I assume it was. I think I understand what was happening 'On Screen', but I'm not sure what it was saying, the message or moral. There doesn't seem to be a denouement to speak of. Perhaps I missed something. That said I reiterate, brilliantly written action description.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

This is written very well...but...I don't get the story! I may be completely dense (I will read other people's comments). For some reason I thought in the end he was going to be in a snowglobe.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was great. The only detail I didn't really gather the meaning of was when The Mariner was picking up, then setting down pictures. What was the significance there? Other than that, you did a really excellent job. Great description. Riveting story. Great use of solo script.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Bravo for having the courage to write a screenplay with no speech! This is what I was hoping for with this contest.

Visuals are very good and the story is gripping.I can feel the cold and wet.

I couldn't QUITE get the scenes with the photos and the ending puzzled me - why is all NOT lost?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was excellent.

Your craft is fantastic and the imagery is wonderful.

"They are all empty." - Phenomenal.

Wonderful story. It read like poetry.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

The story had me engrossed and I was rooting for the mariner to survive. I was confused by the cut to - in the house, I never felt satisfied to know what was making the noise or whom was in the shower and how it was tied to a sinking ship.

It is clear he went down with the ship, but I am not sure why he would write "all is not lost" since it appeared to be. Unless he was dilusional.

Good story. Good luck.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

This was a long, tedious read; seemed more like a novel than a screenplay. Paragraphs shouldn't go over three lines if at all possible. It didn't flow very smoothly.

I think Hollywood readers would be looking for more white space on the pages.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

A wonderful silent script.

Love the way you used the alternating flashbacks. Nothing I can say to make this better.
I felt the sorrow and pain of a yet satisfied Mariner’s life.

Minor spoiler, which does not deter from my scoring.
A little typo on page two. “Responsive” at the first instance shouldn’t it be “unresponsive”?

Well done!

Eric Phillips (Level 1)

Nice images, however I did not "get" it. I'm sorry, it was just a little vague.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

The nautical sequences of the story are quite strong with some nice phrases, word choices, even though it could be tensed up some. The tempo changing home scenes were more cryptic, uncertain and not as strong. And the back and forth transitioning became tormenting and interfered with the pace of the story (not in a good way).

The visual of frantically scribbled log entries would be a challenge, as would be "His eyes burn for what's on the inside."

And I found it vexing that the ship had no name (on bow, stern, or log), the clothing gender wasn't described but the cabin's decor and a weather indicator was.

And the title doesn't quite do the story justice.

John Foley (Level 4)

At first I thought this was just a typical sailor at sea in storm story. But the use of him writing in the log book really helped show what was happening.

Kirk White (Level 5)

This was a great story...but I have to tell you, when I opened it up and saw all the black on the page I groaned! I'm glad I persevered and got through it because it was truly beautiful, but if there's any way you could consolidate a bit and make it a more user friendly read, I think you'll have a much more effective script. As it stands now, with no dialogue (BRAVE choice! and it works!) it's like reading a short story, not a script.

another side note, I don't think you need the "cut to's" but that's a personal pet peeve of mine.

I'm giving you a very good and not an excellent...the story was superb but it was a lot of work to read it.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

This was a very lovely, touching story. With no dialogue, no less. Good use of the "one" theme.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

Overall I thought it was a very good script. I'm just not sure what was going on with the flashbacks. Was it his wife or girlfriend in the bathroom? Perhaps if you had intergrated that more when he was in the wheel house it would have made for an even better script.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It’s remarkable how you managed to tell your story visually and resisted the temptation of having a character talking with himself in order to feed exposition to the audience. I’d only advise you to rework the scene in which the audience is supposed to read back-to-back three entries in the Mariner’s diary. No problem on the page but that’s too much to read on screen. Have you considered using V.O.?

As far as the story goes, it starts good. Conflict kicks in right away with a man-against-nature situation. And I was intrigued about how you were going to tie this conflict with the flashback scenes. Unfortunately I was a bit confused at the end.

I got the feeling that the mariner couldn’t remember his (wife’s?) face and that’s all he wanted before dying. Even if I got it right (I doubt it) his conflict needs a bit of clarification. Has he been sailing for so long that he forgot the face of a loved one? How and why is he able to remember it now? Seems like a hard pill to swallow (unless I misunderstood you completely in which case I apologize).

Good descriptions and format save for the CUT TO’s that (luckily) are now considered old fashioned in spec scripts; each scene heading implies by itself a cut from the previous scene.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

This was written extremely well. I could see everything in front of me. Especially interesting was the fact that it had no dialog. I was a bit confused by the end, is he seeing the lights of heaven? The light at the end of the tunnel? I think I understand, but I'm not sure.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was quite good. You really knew what you were doing.

The only issue I had with it was that I still wanted to feel a bit more for the Mariner. I didn't feel like I got to know him enough to feel the impact of his ship going down. You made a good attempt at making him three dimensional, but it wasn't quite enough for me.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I read this one in the beginning of the month and I left a note that I needed to reread it. I did today and I have mixed feelings.

The writing, although nice is way too slow for my liking as far as screenplays go.

I really had a slow time reading this. Not necessarily because of the story, I suppose that part is okay, but IMHO, this does not read like a movie. Way too wordy and not focusing on the visuals. Again, your writing is fine, but too wordy for a screenplay. Try to focus on what's important visually and only tell us those parts.

I'm reading this on Halloween and might not be me sharpest. If you have any questions feel free to ask. :-)

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Waiting for Gordon Lightfoot to sing The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. All lives were lost on that one. I had diffifulty tying the home scenes to the boat. What were the pictures? I'm thinking they reflect what is happening on the boat, and in the end he knows he's going home.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

The first page was hypnotic. I was drawn in immediately by your compelling and unique setting as well as the dangerous circumstances. Really grabs you by the throat. When you cut away, I assume to a flashback, I would have liked to know how old the Mariner is in that scene. The immediately following scene was hard to read -- especially the journal entries. Maybe drop the times and keep the dates? When you continue the inter-cut between the action on the carrier and what's going on in the shower, I didn't get enough of what could be going on. I sensed that you were alluding to the special someone in the photo being in the shower with someone else but I don't think that's how it plays on paper. The ending is too open-ended. I would love to see this re-written outside the confines of the challenge because I think you have a truly original story with a unique voice to tell it. Keep at it.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I really like this writing style. Very good description. I liked how you pulled us into the story immediately. I could feel the tension.

I'm not sure what the cuts to the clean cut mariner were about. I thought he survived the storm, but after reading the end, I'm not sure.

There was a light at the end. Did he die? Did he get rescued?

Robin Williams (Level 3)

Nice writing but I don’t understand this. I understand the ship is in trouble. But a lot of the terms and descriptions puzzled me and after a while bored me.

And the connection with the photos?

The first reference to the Mariner in the house makes one think it’s the same guy on the ship. But the second reference says the guy is clean cut? And are these walks through the house flashbacks?

Perhaps a rewrite would clarify the story.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good writing. But I don't feel anything for the mariner. Maybe if you'd given him a name, or had his speak if only to himself, I would have gotten a feel for him. I was a little confused with the cuts back and forth also.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

This was a beautifully written script but I didn't understand the story. I didn't understand what the flashbacks meant to the story. I didn't make a connection with it and the main story. In his Nov 18th log, you mention "all is not lost," meaning there is hope, but the story ends there. Also in his earlier log, you mention he can't see her face. I think that's where the connection is suppose to be made, but I didn't understand the connection between him and the girl. (I think if he could remember her face, then I could see where all is not lost) I'm not sure if you missed the last page or if that was the end of the story. All in all, it was a nicely written script.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked the fact that even without dialog the script conveyed a strong sense of the character. BUT, I missed the point of the story, read it twice and didn't get it. Seems like a slice out of a novel, a lot of superfluous detail.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Loved it -- wouldn't change a thing. I have nothing critical to say about this script. My favorite to date. Excellent job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2007 12:24 AM

Awww! I'm actually more disappointed that this script didn't place than I am about my own! This is probably in my top 3 favorites I've seen here in the four months I've been here.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 11/1/2007 5:31 AM

I really don't understand how this got makred as Fair 27% of the time. I read this once, thought about it and everything fell right in for me. The writing is fantastic. This is one of the top scripts submitted to MoviePoet since I've been reading. Superb.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2007 8:37 AM

If they start a Lee Carlisle fan club, sign me up as the first member. Honestly, I love every script you have submitted.

This story was wonderful.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2007 7:12 PM

Lee, I'm curious. Was this excerpted from another short or feature? It really was brilliant writing. I commend your mastery of the craft. This script was original and unique and stayed with me after the contest was over.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2007 8:04 PM

Thanks for all the comments, feedback and kind words everyone. This was a fun story to write and I was very pleased with how it turned out.

For those that didnt get it, the Mariner died in the end, but found hope in death when he could remember his wife's face. I wrote it intentionally a bit vague, but a rewrite could definitely clarify this some, Im always a victim of never getting enough rewrites in before submission time.

Rick - it wasnt an excerpt from anything, all original for Moviepoet. Glad you enjoyed!

And Chris, thanks again for the kind words! I love your site and will continue submitting whenever I can.