Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

First of all, love your action description style. I'm a fan of that staccato technique of economical one-word description. Works well. Very professional.

As to the piece, though written very well, it doesn't seem to go anywhere. It's bleak and depressing and, though the tie-in with the milk carton is masterful, it ultimately felt a little empty. Observing a father losing control, whilst heartfelt and real, didn't grab me in terms of a story. What it was effective in getting across was the hopelessness of his plight. I really felt like no matter what he did he was already resigned to losing her.

As to the two word integration, it was clean and clear enough. Didn't feel crow-barred at all. Felt pretty natural with the dialogue.

But I think this would have been a story with an unbelievable amount of emotional impact, if you'd had all the scenes with his wife and daughter as a sort of psychotic episode in that they're snapshots of memories. Imagine opening the script with that milk carton scene. He's arguing with his wife in the kitchen. Then cut back to that scene again at the very end. That same argument. Only suddenly his wife seems to fade away. The kitchen that was immaculate dissolves into a dark, grimy mess around him. And then he turns the milk carton- And ANA's face is on there! Woah! Now I'm invested. This is a story of a man who lost his wife and daughter bookended by this kitchen scene that twists into something altogether darker and different at the very end and is revealed to be a psychological break where he's reliving the days he lost them.

As it stood though, it was a little too straight-laced and lacking in impact- GOOD.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I like about this story that it starts with a puzzle. Why would David take a carton of rotten milk out of the fridge. That is an effective hook; I stick around to find out why that is. And you reward me with a plausible answer; the carton contains a picture of his missing daughter.

You made the mother a ghost. Nice how this echoes back to an earlier part of the script where it appeared David was at therapy with her. But obviously she wasn't really there, the therapist saw only David.

Very "sixth sense" but it works well, very effective in this short.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I really like the short one descriptions or nouns especially in the beginning -- using those one words spoke loudly. It's something I need to try in my writing. I like how each scene is set-up with it's own tidbit of suspense...nicely done. You must be an expert or something. I thought I knew where it was going, but it was a different resolution than I expected. Excellent.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It took a while to comprehend this but when I did I thought it was very clever. Well done, you!

Perhaps using more distinct names for Angela/Ana might avoid extra confusion? Perhaps a more imaginative title?

breathes in not breaths

Great job!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This is well written and interesting. I like how it builds throughout. A few times I thought the daughter may have died, but then your dialogue convinced me otherwise.

I don't think a psychiatrist would say "Tell me how things are going with your daughter" if the daughter is missing. The wife saying the daughter is at the movies is also a misdirection. These aren't really fair to the reader/viewer, because they keep them from reaching the right conclusion, but in an unfair way.

How can the husband stay silent with the psychiatrist when his wife is obviously not right - making up things about their missing daughter, asking him to speak to her?

The writing is good, the subject tense and sad. You did a good job, I just think it could be better if you got to the same result in a different way.

One last comment - you may want to consider changing the title as it gives away much of what is going on in the script.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great story, although I did guess the twist about halfway through (that comes from having read thousands of shorts - my entry probably has the same problem).

Anyway, that didn't stop me from loving this story. Your craft is great and your characters are compelling.

Very well done.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

The title gave it away too soon...

That Milk carton at the beginning, who keeps it (Dad or Mom)-- because Dad doesn't try to throw it away (if it's Mom's) nor does he stare at it aimlessly (there's a bowl and cereal out, not like it's 1 am and he's got that damned milk carton out again).

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

Very intriguing. I guessed the punch line pretty early but that didn't take away the power of it. The characters are all written very well and are easy to see in my head. I can see this being a longer piece, maybe even feature length. Great Job!

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Well-written and emotionally powerful. The only issue I had with the script was the bit with the milk carton near the very beginning. It paid off extremely well at the end but the setup (in the opening sequence) felt forced and awkward. Other than that, "Gone," is an exceptional piece of work. Well done.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Gone

Your script is loaded with ing verbs in the action. I don't know what the new kids are doing, but I know many editors, readers, and agents are fussy about keeping your description in the present perfect tense. Nuff said. Back to the story.

I like how you trick us into believing the couple is going to marriage counseling.
Also I liked the bit about the loud music coming from the daughter's room.
Of course, the twist comes and we see tne couple are coping with the disappearance of their daughter. The wife is slowly losing all sense of reality. The husband has lost his daughter and is now losing his wife to madness.

I enjoyed your characters. I liked how you were able to make me do a 180 in the middle of your story. I started out not liking the husband, then by the end, I totally felt sorry for him.

I'm not sure I bought the wife's personality change, though. It was hard to imagine her sitting in the room throwing clothes around, leaving her food sit around, and dancing to loud music. I'm sure it's possible, but it just seemed a tad too much.

GOOD

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

I really like your crisp, lean writing. And your script, for the most part, is flawless. For me, it was just lacking in the story. The title "Gone" all but gave away your big ending.

Why was the wife throwing her stuff all around and wearing her clothes? I'm guessing his way of coping is holding it all in, and the wife's was to pretend to be her? It was kinda unclear. The therapy sessions didn't feel authentic either.

However, like I said, your writing was really good and easy to read! Good job

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Unfortunately, due to the lengthy set-up and physical absence of Ana, I knew that Angela was keeping her child, "alive." The telemarketer call was a slight tip off, as is the title (great title btw, works on a couple levels) to the coming twist. But you know what? It doesn't matter that much because the telling of the tale was a showcase, and example of compelling. Loss of a loved one is so incredibly intense, and this script does a very good job of capturing the emotion. I imagine this entry shall do very well.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I have a sixteen year old living in my house so I could totally relate to the frustration of this parent.

The story is straight forward. I think if the writer spent more time trying to streamline their writing, the story would read quicker. Here are a couple of examples of what I'm talking about:

On page 2: “David finishes knotting his tie in a mirror.” Consider instead: “David knots his tie in a mirror.

On page 2: “David stares at himself in the mirror.” Consider instead: “David stares into the mirror.”

On page 5: “He pauses in front of Ana's door. He opens the door.” Consider instead: “He pauses in front of Ana's door. He opens it.”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A clever premise for a screenplay and generally well executed.

My best criticism is that in your style of writing, you used so many one word sentences, which made for a very uncomfortable, disjointed reading experience.

Otherwise, your characters and storyline development struck me as being very competently crafted. And the visual resolution at the end with the milk carton and refrigerator photos extremely well done.

Hope this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

vampire movie, poetic justice

Liked the double meaning of gone. Didn't hit me until after.

The ending could have been when the wife was revealed to be the teenager. The milk carton scene didn't add much to the point already made. It added a cliche to an original take on parents of missing children. But wait, that's the context for understanding the wife's behavior. Mm. I see your predicament. Good choice.

Way to misdirect on the husband in need of therapy.

Nitpick: The staccato use of periods was interesting but once I noticed it, I couldn't unnotice it.

VERY GOOD

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

pg 3 - I'm assuming their daughter is dead or something and the wife is delusional.

Yeah, I think you need to do a better job at hiding the twist. It was too obvious.

Without the twist, this isn't really much of a story. We are just at a lost the entire time until it is revealed. Try and make a story that stands on its own, and then throw us for the loop with the twist.

Jeremy Rose (Level 2)

I really like the story behind this.It's depressing but it's real. It's hard to imagine what it would be like if I ever lost one of my own children but I know I would not be sane.The writer paints a realistic picture that many people may not understand until they walk in David and Angelas shoes. I pray I never have to. Overall, I was able to follow the story and I got a little teary. I think it was nicely written and I think the writer did a good job ending the story. It was clear and concise.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The storyline - I knew the twist, it's kind of obvious from the very beginning. And maybe you didn't plan it as a twist, looks like you did though. It's kind of obvious that Angela is crazy.
So they visit psychiatrist and they are upset. She's dancing, he's lamenting...
It's a little. That doesn't mean it's bad or anything. It's just simple.
I like it though. And beautifully written.

Kirk White (Level 5)

i predict this one is going to win. great job.
Excellent.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Heartwrenching. Every parents worst nightmare. Nice frame with David at the refrigerator in the first scene and the last.
The few parts of staccato writing are effective in portraying a mood or tone, but may be so early on that it brings attention to the style as opposed to the story.
Like a little mislead and surprise. Never saw the ending coming.
Terrific title.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

That's an eerie script! Congratulations!

The misdirection in the first scene seems to make less sense after the ending is read. Why does David get upset because Angela points out his spoiled milk? Since I can't smell the milk through my computer, I have to assume that Angela is right about this. The point of the opening scene is to plant the seed in our mind that David is "not all there", but surely there was a better way to make that misdirection? Eating spoiled milk is not something a sane guy would do, even if he is devastatingly distraught. I want to give this script an excellent, but I just don't understand that opening scene well enough. Everything after it flows perfectly, though. In fact, you could cut out that opening scene and still have an excellent script.

Excellent.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

The staccato style of the writing wasnt working for me in the beginning. It got better as the piece went on, but I might take a longer look at what is and isn't needed - I felt like removing some of the one word sentences improve the flow of the read without harming your tone or imagery. The first scene was especially awkward for me because it almost makes David seem mentally challenged when that might not be what you want our first impression of him to be.

I had a hard time sympathizing with any of the characters - David was too closed off and didnt seem to want anything or even be working towards improving himself, his wife was too grating, and the daughter was mostly a missing presence. I wasnt rooting for David to overcome these problems because he and Angela seemed to be a bad fit from the start - if anything it seemed like their relationship really was over.

This is tough subject matter to cover in 5 pages and get a gratifying payoff and unfortunately I was left a little bit cold at the end - I just wasn't invested in the characters or the drama of their lives. I think the story could have benefitted from some kind of nice moment between David and Angela or at least some hint of David trying to overcome these problems and not acting out/yelling. The end also confused me because I wasn't sure if he really had lost Angela and Ana or just Ana and his relationship with Angela had fallen apart because of it. Inserting Angela in that scene may help if she is actually real (and could give a nice moment of coming together for the two of them).

Marc Jensen (Level 2)

Quite tight and focussed

Fun to re-read and gather the finer details and see them in a new light, but it is still a somewhat confusing read; even after a few read throughs I am not sure it does entirely pull together.

The pacing is enjoyable. The way the therapist scenes cut into the narrative is effective.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

The writing here is expert and you completely had my interest but I didn't understand the ending. Was Ana missing the whole time? Was her music really blaring? Was he imagining all of this? Sorry. Read it twice and just didn't understand.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I feel like this kind of story, where a couple have lost their child but one or both are still treating them as alive, has been done a lot before, or at least I've seen a few variations on it on this site. I felt this one was a bit more convincing, and I liked how you revealed the characters.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Right off the bat I thought the title is a giveaway but, if I'm reading this correctly, it's a good title for the story.

I liked the pace of this. By page 2, with David looking in the mirror, I expected Angela was dead. A second reading of the last few paragraphs though makes me think that she must have gone missing when she was younger but is now back home. Angela acts as though nothing ever happened, and Ana is an out-of-control teenager.

What bothers me is the lack of detail in David. We get a sense of anguish but can't really place it. Is he upset over what caused her to go missing? We don't know what that is - a runaway, a kidnapping? If she ran away, was it due to his behavior at all? If she was kidnapped, does he feel responsible for not fully protecting her? Or it could be that his current anguish is simply due to her teenage behavior as Angela suggests.

I like the story. I just wish you presented a better reason for David's mental condition.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought this was an interesting tale.

My biggest issue with this would be the number of sentence fragments. Though I think these work for action and I think these worked in some places in your script, mostly they took me out of the read. Use less of them.

And though it served your story well, I think having their daughter's picture on their very own milk carton was a bit too much of a coincidence.

Good work, however.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This really got going for me half way down page three - there the tension kicks in and the pace lifts off, prior to that it is all slow set-up and I think it would benefit from tightening.

not sure what's happening - Ana is missing so then how does he fight with her? Or did I misinterpret the hope when he answers the phone? I thought maybe she and the mother were ghosts - it's not clear to me what's happened.

great tension in the latter half and my curiousity was piqued but left unsatisfied.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I like the title.

The first scene - would be nice to indicate the location, MARTIN HOME - KITCHEN, otherwise I don't know where I am, you open with a face staring ahead, I imagined this person laying in bed. So, when you mentioned the frindge it threw me off a bit.

I like your style. I like one-word sentences.

If the story is about a teenager who run away, maybe you don't need the first scene with the kitchen/cereal, I don't think even the therapist is necessary either.
Interesting story, but I think it's a deep subject for a short. Your story needs to be deeper, more complex. What is the problem between the girl and her parents? All kids throw food, clothes on the floor, go see vampire movies, etc. Is there more we need to know?

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Congratulations on your eligibility to enter this contest.

This is a very well written, sad story. I think the story plays with time, no? However, at first I believed Ana was missing during the entire story, but David and Angela's discussions with the Therapist talk of Ana as if she's still there.

The ending photo of Ana on the milk carton is a fine visual, but feels dated. Do they still do that?

You can give the Therapist a proper name.

Your screenwriting is very good; format appears in order; didn't detect any typos.

Very Good.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This started off a bit weak for me but when the drama starts to pick up it became much stronger. I guess that's a hazard of telling a story where you are hiding the central element for a big reveal at the end.

For me David initially plays as a weak self-pitying type and Angela is a snide nag, which meant that I struggled to engage with either of them.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

I like the idea behind the story. I thought the story was well structured (starting and ending with the milk carton), good scene descriptions and tight dialogue. The one thing that bothers me is that at first I thought Ana was always missing and that Martin was having difficulty distinguishing between his real life and his imagined life (where Ana is still around). Then I figured that actually all the scenes were "real". I think it would have been more interesting if you had gone the other route.

Also, not sure whether "poetic" counts as a use of the word "poet". I am a bit disappointed that the two key words were not more interwoven into the script. Seems like the script was already written and extra lines were added to fit the words in.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

All, man, I did it again. I copied and paste someone else's review onto this one. I hate it when that happens.

The scene transitions between the therapy room and the house is disjointed. I understand where you are heading to, but it didn't quite work as a good transition.

The characters are all good. I was confused as to why the mother starts acting whild, especially when she had therapy.

The story is about a runaway teenager, a couple reads, "missing," on the milk container, and then the teenager showes up. I feel that the story is a little coontreived. She suddentlly shows up. She must have been gone for a while, indicated by the image on the milk bottle.

The dialogue is good, and your writing is lean and clean. I haven't notice any grammar errors.

I'm not sure if the goal is to receive therapy when the child runs away. Unfortunately, I feel that the goal isn't that strong. The obstacle is there too, but it isn't that strong.

Overall, the story is good.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Powerful stuff. Really enjoyed this. With the right actors, this would be a dynamic short film - very moving and well done. The first page is one of my favorites. I'm immediately drawn into the story and wondering what has taken hold of David to make him a shell of himself. Nice contrast with Angela. I kept expecting Angela to be a stepmother. She was almost a little too cool about David's feelings.

The drop-ins to Ana's room were well-crafted and really showed the mental angst in David's mind. I could picture this script very well and, like a number of the other well-written scripts this month, you know when to stop describing -- I'm envious.

I have the utmost respect for a painter - they know when to lift the brush and apply no more. You have the same way with words. Apply what's needed and apply no more. No matter what happens with the script, yours will serve as a teaching tool for many writers, including myself.

I loved how you came back to the fridge and the milk carton. Very nice bookend. This was simply a joy to read and very makeable as a film. I would love to see this produced and I think it would be a powerful short. Best of luck with it.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Excellent. I loved how you crafted this, so I had to go back and read all the clues that you'd dropped about Angela, that I was at first confused then it all made sense at the end.

This was skilfully written, and I really enjoyed it. I gave you an excellent. It will do very well this month.

I will remember this one for quite a while I'm sure. I am looking forward to seeing who wrote this

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A sad, somber story. Well written, the writing flows smoothly, the characters are believable, and the situation is plausible.

But the twist at the end didn't work (for me). I guessed it fairly early on. Of course, that could simply be a case of very lucky guessing on my part (and it probably is), but the point is -- I shouldn't be guessing in the first place. If you're going to have a story that ends with a shocking twist, you should write it in a way that we don't suspect a twist is coming. In your story, we very quickly realize there's something not-quite-right with this family, specifically there's something odd going on between David and Angela, and you're not telling us what it is. So we know something is coming. Then we see vestiges of Ana (music, clothes), but no Ana. And we start to suspect the truth.

It's still an entertaining story, dark and kinda foreboding, but it would have better more effective (for me) if I hadn't seen a twist coming.

My Score: Good.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I thought this was written pretty well, but was a bit unsure of the ending. Had the daughter run away because of the fighting with her had? Had she been mising the whole time and he was just flashing back to earlier memories of her?

When he gets the phone call, the way you describe it almost denotes they are expecting a call about the daughter. But the wife says she is at the movies, so I don't know why he would be tense about a random phone call, he wouldn't have any reason to be on edge or expecting the worst.

I think you could up the stakes a little, or provide more clues as to the source of David's misery. So his daughter has a messy room and plays her music loudly, so what? There has to be more to it than this, right? Why doesn't he talk to her, like his wife suggests? Maybe if we saw him talk to her and then the resulting fight that ensues, it would make his actions seem more appropriate. Or maybe I am just missing something.

Overall I thought it was a solid effort and well written, just a couple of things that could have been clearer.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I wanted to like this more than I did - and I did like it, well written and did present a nice twist. The twist, however, was given away by the title and that is a shame. A different title would allow the impact of the reveal to hit harder and really grab the reader -- though on screen it would have to be carefully constructed as to not give away that it's the wife/mother in the room.

Again, very well written and a powerful piece - please think about a title change.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2012 12:44 AM

This was great. You never disappoint. I truly love the way you write.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 12:35 PM

Erich - Reading some of the other comments on this made me realize I must have missed something in my reading. Going back over it today, I completely missed that is was Angela in Ana's room at the end. I guess the names were just too similar and I was expecting that Ana was still alive.

With my new understanding, obviously the twist and reveal worked for me. And the reason behind David's anguish makes perfect sense in contradiction to my earlier comments. The pieces have all come together and they fit well. Nice job.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 3:12 PM

Erich, sorry I wasn't bright enough to figure this all out, but it was so well written, I had to score it a Very Good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 4/2/2012 9:45 PM

I loved this one. Very well done! I gave it an excellent.