Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Odd one this. It's perfectly well written. The dialogue ranges from perfunctory to really very skillful. Lines like Enigma and Hetrosexual shoe savvy were real nice touches.

But ultimately, whilst the ending made me chuckle, it felt like an interesting story. Nothing more. Extremely well told, but, apart from the torture room, any twists and turns are pretty much played out the moment we see her facebook page. At that moment, we know he's a stalker... so finding out he's an S + M stalker doesn't really surprise us.

The integration of the two words wasn't the most stylish either. Perfectly acceptable, but not inventive in anyway.

But, in spite of that, this is so well told I have to give it a- VERY GOOD. A truly well-crafted piece that ultimately goes nowhere... but goes nowhere well.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Simon the creep stalks women on Facebook and has ill intentions. Great base for a story and impressive you got that much into five pages already.

However. Megan appears superficial to me initially, and the interaction with Simon seems so too. It is only at the end that I realize that Simon is such a creep, and Megan becomes a nice young woman who is just trying to get by in life.

I don't know, could it be an idea to turn it around and let us see beforehand that Simon is a creep? Dramatic irony; we now know something, and Megan doesn't, kind of a bomb under the table. I'd then see her as the sweet young girl who is on the verge of falling prey to a monster. Suspense...

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Well crafted, I didn't spot any major typos or grammatical errors.

Characters were described well as were the locations and action sequences.

A simple enough story, not a major twist but interesting.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

The story starts off funny and light and it slowly gets dark and twisted fast...excellent work. Again, I enjoyed the use of the words, "movie" and "poet". I very much enjoyed this story.

I didn't like how he stops and opens the door; it didn't feel that dramatic. Maybe his computer's in the dungeon, or as he walks by the room, the lights on to reveal this sick twisted room. Anyway, I'm no director, but I'm sure someone will take a shot at this one.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Started me singing the song from The King and I!

Best to avoid putting how a character says lines in parentheses. It should be obvious from the dialogue/context. Trust your audience!

I'm sorry but I found this a bit predictable and flat. Rather too much time on the meeting with Megan, where once we knew that he was an internet stalker (very quickly) the rest of the revelations came across as dull and were superfluous - added nothing to the storyline.

I didn't really engage with the characters, either.

This needs more twists and surprises for it to work.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Nice job, well written.
I was beginning to wonder if there was going to be a hook or not, and you came through in the final scene. Surprising and not what I was expecting.

This almost seems like a rant against facebook - which is not bad, but perhaps gives it a little less depth than it would otherwise have. Still, nice job. Liked this one.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Meeting people in the age of Facebook is very scary indeed.

I thought this started off promising. Great use of the required words. I liked that you had a twist, I'm just not sure that I believe this twist. It felt a little forced - shocking for the sake of shocking.

Still, your craft is good, I just wish this had truly looked at the zaniness of meeting people in the age of Facebook without having to resort to the shock.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Wow. Facebook really sapped the fun out of stalking...

It was dull. Guy knows WAAAY to much about stranger-girl and overplays it (too amateurish for the way the character was portrayed. HOWEVER, if you play up on his failures/mishaps, it could give it a livelier comedy vibe). ALSO, Guy turns out to be a hinky pervert (aren't they all?).

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

I have to give props to the title. It's really good once you know what the story's about. But mainly I would like to praise the structure, or the buildup, which is masterful. In the beginning it seems innocent, almost cute. Then you drop little hints here and there, and as the story unfolds, the worse we realize this is. And the progression continues right until the very last line, at which point we are nothing less than horrified. Brilliant job! It's also a very poignant subject, something that could be happening to any one of us as we speak. Now if you'll pardon me I have to log off and go make some changes on my facebook account.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Well this is nicely creepy. My general suggestion would be to focus more on Simon's earnestness as he tries to secure a date (even though he's a dangerous psycho).

Also: "His focus is in on the door of..." is that a typo? Because it really interrupts the flow of the piece and we're still at the top of page one which makes the writing appear lazy.

A lot of the dialogue between Simon and Megan felt forced and awkward, granted it's a first meeting so forced and awkward is credible but even with that as a given it came off as stilted, especially with lines such as: "Again, not many guys would..." (etc.). I figured out very quickly that Simon has been FB stalking Megan which means your audience will figure it out just as quickly, you might want to consider letting Megan be just as smart.

"It's scary in there" tells us what you want to convey; instead, show us that it's scary, writer a stronger, better more emotionally powerful description.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Getting To Know You

Gosh darn it, I've been tricked!

I thought this was a comedy all the way. All the way until Simon opened the door to his chamber of perve.

Then, after the reveal, I had to go back and reread it. And it totally held up.

Good work, writer.

VERY GOOD

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Okay, that was a very creepy/scary ending that contrasted the light banter, and seemingly on the surface, a nice guy. A very real warning to those self aggrandizing, or otherwise social network, and internet posters who want everybody to know what they're doing at all times.

But, aren't facebook profiles hidden unless you are accepted as a friend? I bet you have everybody checking. I bet this gets made. Very Good.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This story was an easy read. The writer has mastered a lean writing style that I fully appreciate.

A couple of very small things.

Page one, second paragraph: “His focus is in on the door...” I think you mean, “His focus is on the door...” Make sure you proofread closely because it is very easy to miss these kinds of things.

CONT'Ds are not needed in dialogue. If you use Final Draft, this feature can be turned off.

On page four: “Shocked, Simon just watches her leave.” You might consider deleting the word JUST.

This entry earned a VERY GOOD from me.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Thank you for a beautifully crafted, thoughtful and entertaining storyline. There isn't much room for improvement in your opening set up or unexpected and engaging resolution.

My best criticism is a possible weakness in the overly detailed development of your middle section.

Jimmy Choos - great.
I'm not gay joke - clever.
Ras(p)berry Chai Latte - great.
Reggae - by this point, you've already amply made your point. No need to beat your
audience over the head.
Little Miss Sunshine/Leaves of grass,etc. - gone on way too long in my opinion.

In short, I would consider tightening the middle section by slimming down your long list of favorites. Otherwise a truly brilliant piece of writing. Be very proud, you've earned it.

I hope this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

favorite movie, favorite poet

A neat take on Internet stalking.
Visual.
I heard distinct voices.
Megan was a little slow on the uptake.
The dislike of raspberry coffee was a great clue for the audience.
The twist made a desperate guy into a weird, sick guy -- all with a comic vibe.
The term "Facebook stalked" doesn't have a ring to it. Maybe something else?

VERY GOOD

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - The title works well for this story.
Craft - Your craft is perfect!
Dialogue - the dialogue is very good and very believable for these characters. I like how it went from pleasant chit chat to creepy.
Action lines - your action lines were fine, clear and concise.
Story - the story is good and certainly timely. I can see that this could make a good opening scene in a larger script, if you are so inclined. Just as "Jaws" made people afraid to go in the water, this could make people afraid to use facebook. Maybe I should sell before this gets made!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Why doesn't she just use the app that sends her statuses to Twitter and Facebook at the same time? Looks like someone isn't that savvy with the iPhone ;D

Hilarious! Hahahahaaa!! Of course!! That's perfect!

Okay, he must not be a good killer, cause everyone knows you can't have EVERYTHING in common. Haha. This was great. I really enjoyed it. I was wondering where it was going and it satisfied me.

An odd excellent.

Jeremy Rose (Level 2)

Thank God. Finally a script I did not nod off while I was trying to read it.It is easy to lable Simon as a duesh bag from the beginning of this story. The ending only confirms what we were all thinking. Even if he was not a serial killer any guy who would use this technique to pick up women is a total piece of crap. This made for an entertaining story.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's entertaining. Easy to shoot I suppose. I think someone may ask you for it.
The ending was kind of funny. I think the ending will work better if you/producers gets an actor who may pull of "funny" in the end.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I saw where this was going pretty early on...so I think it's important you disquise some of the coincidences a little deeper, maybe lose the "speed dating" angle and maybe even hide his disgust at the tea until she leaves. I like the reveal at the end but I think it would be even more effective if we first really like this guy...maybe we're even forgiving him for FB stalking because he just wants love...oh wait...kinda thing

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific job setting up creepy Simon. Initially he comes across as more of a "nice-looking, neat appearance," but shy guy simply trying to meet the subject of his crush. Yikes.
The twist is well done. There's no hint that Simon is a stalker yet, even while he's trolling Facebook after the Megan fiasco.
Wonder whether his potential victims should be younger. Generally, would think that 25-30 year-olds wouldn't appeal to this creep; too much of a chance he gets caught by someone his own age. Younger women likely would be more naive.
The bump-into-you-by-accident scenario is familiar. Perhaps another device would be less predictable. There's a lot of chit-chat that follows at Cafe Noir. Maybe tweak a bit.
Love the title.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This is a really interesting story about the potential joys and dangers of posting all one's interests online. I enjoyed it.

Unfortunately, Simon is "too much" of a character. Perhaps it's the five-page restriction, but even a demented mind like his ought to know better than to play his hand too heavy and too fast. When he starts hitting her with all the information that he knows about her that quickly, it's apparent that something's wrong, and I think we're tipped to the game too early. The subtle clue of the Raspberry Chai was excellent, but it was followed too quickly by the barrage of dialogue information. I think it would have been more fun to watch this relationship slowly develop over ten or fifteen pages before the reveal.

The other thing I noticed is that the last page and a half seemed to drag a bit.

I do hope you expand this! Very Good.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Well written - the dialogue seemed naturally and flowed well between Simon and Megan. I think Megan would be tipped off a little sooner than she is that something fishy is going on, and I felt like I got ahead of the script. I was hoping that it would take an unexpected turn along the way - Simon came off a bit stalker-ish from the beginning so when the script ended up there I was left a bit disappointed. It came off a little PSA-y with the whole don't broadcast your life message for my tastes. Introducing some unexpected elements, or having Simon not come on so strong in terms of stalking right away might be a good way to remedy this and keep the audience more on their toes.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Creepy good.

The formatting, punctuation and spelling are all good. You had an extra space between some words, but that was it.

You could turn off the MOREs and CONTINUED feature of your writing program. It isn't necessary. Personally, I find it distracting.

Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like that Megan is so oblivious to how much she shares on the internet, and how Simon thinks he has a chance just by liking the same things.

You can't search Facebook that way. Maybe with a plugin, but you'd have to make that clear.

Very good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I wasn't digging this in the beginning because it seemed like it was going to be a fairly standard sort of romcom. So I was pleased when it took that dark turn. However, I thought the ending with the torture devices was a bit cliche. I would have rather seen a different resolution.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

A very smooth read, it zips along.

I did guess from the off what Simon was up to, he was just a proper cliche psycho waiting to happen. I like that it's his first time though?? nice angle.

I kind of lost interest when Megan signed into her FB and Tweet accounts, I knew exactly where it was heading from there.

Strong dialogue skills but the characters are very superficial cliches.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Congratulations on your eligibility to enter this contest.

This started fun and light (and even somewhat identifiable), but takes such a sinister twist at the end that I'm not sure it entirely works. It reads like a cautionary urban-legend, or a parable.

Your screenwriting is very good; format overall appears in order; didn't detect any major typos.

Good.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the way we are shown him waiting for his chance because that adds an extra dimension to the way their meeting plays out. Then the story builds well to the point where he pushes it too far.

For me the last part works okay, but perhaps it's not the payoff I would have liked. Up to that point the story was in romantic comedy mode, so I wonder if there is a way to pay it off within that genre.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not notice any grammar errors. Your writing is also lean and clean.
A stalker tries to win a stranger’s heart through Facebook, and then the girl finds out that she has been stalking her, so she puts her Facebook page on “Private.” Then the stalker attempts to stalk him some more. At the end, you revealed to us that he is either a pervert or someone who works like Satan.

The story is decent. However, I feel that the middle of the story is too short, while the ending is good. The beginning, or the setup, is excellent. You can try giving the man another challenge. I think that after you reveal his house at the end, you could have give us another ending as to what he is going to do to find the girl again. I guess the five –page limit stopped you from doing that.

Your scene transitions are perfect. You gave us a cue that Simons is going to buy her something, and then you cut to the counter, which is a good scene transition. The scene transition at the end is good too.

The characters are well developed. It would be nice if you developed Simons a little bit more though. Maybe you could add Simon’s motivation to stalk women. That could be the foreshadowing at the very beginning of the screenplay, and the story will stand out a little bit stronger.

The story is simple, which is good. You remained focused on the same idea, and your dialogue is real. The lapse of between scenes is close, which adds dramatic tension.
Overall, the story, your story is good.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Creepy. Clever title. Reminded me of an 80's movie - 'Thief of Hearts.' The Megan/Simon dialogue was very good. Crisp and realistic. The Facebook/Twitter status sequence I think will be an earmark for movies of this generation - much the way 'You've Got Mail' was when AOL first went crazy.

Megan should play it more suspicious with Simon. She's aware of her recent posts. Maybe she should intentionally want to put something out there that she doesn't normally share with people. Simon gets off too easily as well. We don't really get to see him sweat. He chokes down the drink and we get that he normally wouldn't drink it - but he's also done this before -- maybe another woman sees him and remembers how he came onto her a few weeks back. Now, he's got to sweat that woman figuring out who he is while Megan is still sitting across from him. Could raise the stakes quite well.

Closing with the scene of Simon's 'room' is a really unsettling way to close it out. It'll create a buzz but it doesn't bring any closure and neither character gets to complete a goal or finish an arc - I'll be curious to see if you hope to film this -- it would make an interesting short.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Is this meant as an anti-facebook parable or satire of some sort showing the evils of social media?

While I like the simple narrative style and the little mystery did hook me, the end lets it down a bit.

I anticipated a "Groundhog Day" premise wherein he can go back and try this again, but your on-the-nose reveal with her pointing out he got it off facebook, waters the whole effort down.

This either needs to be then written longer or have an ending that isn't so much self-explanatory.

IT's the premise that makes me wonder what do you really intend to state through your characters and right now all I get is, "I better check my facebook status."

Good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This is quite good. I liked the twist at the end, that he's a pervert with a very dark side to him.

I am sure this kind of thing (facebook stalking) happens all the time, so that part made it realistic.

All in all I liked this, it was different, the dialogue was good and the pacing was fast.

I gave it a very good.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is great! The 11th one I've read so far, and by far the best. Very fun and very timely. Nice set-up, nice payoff, totally unexpected. Great dialogue.

Nice build-up of tension, too. By the time Megan blows him off, we know he's up to no good (as she eventually does), but we have no idea how no-good his no-goodness is. When we see the torture chamber (just a few lines from the end), it's a real surprise. Up to then we think he's just a sleazy lothario.

I noticed a couple typos, easy fix-ups, no big deal.

I enjoyed it a lot.

My Score: Excellent.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Overall I thought this was just okay, and could benefit from a rewrite.

His focus is on the cafe but he watches with indifference? That stuck out to me as not really fitting together. Instead of writing 'a take out cup in one hand' I would have just written 'coffee in one hand'.

I found it pretty unlikely that she would post that she's just found the perfect guy after knowing him for all of two minutes. There would also be issues with showing all of this on screen. She has to update her status in Facebook, then log out, log in to Twitter and make another post. This is too time consumig and will not play out well visually.

Simon in his home looking at Facebook is another instance of action that isn't well suited to the screen. I think you need to come up with a more interesting way of showing us what he does.

The ending sort of came out of nowhere and doesn't really fit the rest of the story, IMO. It just feels tacked on. If he's into this BDSM stuff why wouldn't he just go to a fetish club or something instead of stalking random girls who chances are wouldn't be into this anyway? Why does he even open the closet, except for the reader to see that he has a dungon in there?

I think you need a better twist at the end, something that explains why he is stalking girls from Facebook and that ties everything together. At the moment, this doesn't really feel like a complete story.

The actual writing was fine, I get the feeling this was maybe rushed and with more time you would have produced a better finished produt.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

This is one of those stories that leaves me not knowing how to score it. I like it. It's simplistically creepy, and has me wanting to follow Simon to his next target. As a stand alone film, I don't feel completely compelled by it. Maybe that's the issue I didn't recognize immediately - it feels more like a sequence instead of a complete film. No hiccups with the writing that I noticed. Still will score this high.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I think this is a very good idea that bogs down a bit during the "latte" - it starts running out of steam, no pun intended. That conversation needs to move a bit quicker than it does. Also, is Simon a dolt? He's a smooth as a case of pickly heat. If you made him out to be that way, than great job. If not, he cannot spit out everything verbatim. It gives the reader the sense that he is never going to "make it happen" and if that's the case, there is no danger in his stalking. Or tension - he's seen as goofy rather than something more cunning and dangerous.

I wasn't clear on the room ... is it for kinky sexual pleasure or that + death? It does make a difference for me as far as the story goes.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Sorry, but the ending was very cliche. And if he just wants a victim, why doesn't he just kidnap somebody instead of going through the long-winded ritual of courtship? An unexpected twist would have worked well, and you may want to scale back on the extensive "so much in common" portion of the script because it's obvious what is happening after just a few examples.

Comments Made After the Contest

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 1:33 AM

This is a perfect example of why I'm taking a VERY long break from writing shorts. I was totally uninspired and it came through loud and clear. LOL.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 4/16/2012 5:18 PM

Really Marine? I like it! I thought it was clever. I dunno. My comedies never do well, so maybe I just have a strange sense of humor, but I gave this an excellent.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 4/16/2012 5:19 PM

lol. "Marnie"

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 4/16/2012 5:32 PM

I gave this one a Good. I thought it was funny too.

Craig Hoit (Level 0) ~ 4/20/2012 12:13 PM

Wow, Raspberry Chai Latte does sound pretty awful.

I liked her line "I've never met an enigma before" - it has a nice and subtle quality of flirting about it. My sense is that his knowing everything about her is just a bit too forward - there are too many "he knows that? wow" moments in too quick of a succession. It makes her alarm bells too easy to predict - I want her to wrestle more with the decision to take him up on his offer, in that this puts her in more danger/peril I think. The audience needs to know that he's a stalker creep more than she does. She needs a hint that something may be not-quite-right with him - the story as it is spells it out too much. At least that's my sense of it. Also, not sure her line about being Facebook stalked is quite right - we get it and don't need it spelled out so literally in dialog.

All of that being said, I did enjoy this and I think it brings up a pretty important issue in our world - it is far too easy for far too many people to know far too much about us. That is a pretty good basis for a story.