Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I figured the Narrator and Arthur had to be the same to avoid breaking the rule of one actor. I like the feel of the Narrator though it fit this piece well--kind of like a Edgar Allen Poe piece. I would work on some of the dialogue though because it just mirrored what is seen sometimes (which is okay) but I think if you can relate to what is being seen or juxtapose the dialogue to what is seen the dialogue would be stronger. Still, a decent piece.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Very well written, but the narration can become a little annoying, albeit with a few great lyrical moments. This piece would have been greatly improved by a few neat touches. How about our revelation scene, foreshadowed seconds earlier by Arthur carving something on the wall with the crowbar. It's covered by shadow, but as the candlelight moves it's revealed as the exact same words spoken at that very moment by the Narrator. I guess I'm saying that I felt it needed a more effective, stylish reveal. For this reason I gave this a very good. It would have been an excellent, but I had that feeling of missed potential at the Fade Out. Still a great attempt.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Well done! It's like a great spooky children's story! I also love that he and his madness are the real monster in the house. Well done.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Ooh, interesting...I like the documentary approach. I think this is a well-written script - I'd like a little more of a story arc from him, though his fate clearly is to dismantle what's left of his life. I think what I'd like from this is the stakes risen just a bit, because this is somewhat of a normal day for Arthur, I suspect. He'll tear the house apart and likely just stay in another part of the house. Unless he tears it apart to the foundation, in which case I want to see that!

I like the tone of this script a lot.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was well written, but the narrator and Arthur Daniels certainly read like two seperate charcters. It seemed like you wrote it that way (which I think would have worked better) but then combined the narrator and Arthur just to meet the criteria of the assignment. Seperate the two in a rewrite and this script would be excellent.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was very well set up and you had a good sense of place and held the genre and the setting admirably. Unlike some other scripts that used someone talking to (about?) himself, this actually came off.

My problem rests with the ending which seemed very anti-climactic after the great anticipation you created earlier.
I needed more surprise.

Charles Gilmore (Level 2)

A cute story. I had a little hard time following it at first, then I reread it. (Guess my mind wasn't where it should have been) Once I reread it, I enjoyed and made me smile at the end.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I really liked this story of Arthur and his quest to find out what was making the noises in the crevices of his house (mind). This was a good use of the ONE concept and I am not sure I would change anything.

I thought it an interesting use of VO and at the end, we found out it was himself and not some other narrater.

Good job and good luck!

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Very Edgar Allen Poe-ish.

Didn't feel much tension or conflict. Could make for a good short story, but have a hard time seeing it keep the interest of audience on the big screen.

Jacob Schantz (Level 3)

Excellent pacing and dialogue.
The Edgar Allan Poe edge worked well in this script.
The insanity was definitely palpable. I think the end goes a little awry with the overtop VO. Maybe that’s the way it supposed to read, but to me, it’s just too much.
It was redundant to reiterate the narrator/Arthur connection, but other than that, this was a strong piece. Loved the part where he started smashing the walls.
Great work.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Good story. But the narrator sticks around too long - good at a distance but up close switch to Art. The duality now falls around confusing and fooling you.

John Foley (Level 4)

I think at times the voice narration gets in the way.

Kali Lyles (Level 2)

It seemed a bit of a stretch with the character as narrator toward the end. The tone created by the narration was ruined once we learn the narrator and character are the same. I understood it for the rules, but the story would have been better served without the narration. The action picked up toward the end, and helped shape the description of the old man.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I really enjoyed this. I can see this either filmed or animated! good job!

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

At first I thought perhaps you weren't following the rules, being you had a narrator and Arthur Samuels. I wouldn't put the title on the first page. It gets a page all to it's self. I'm assuming that Arthur has perhaps started to lose his mind and there really isn't a monster. I have to say that I thought you did a really good job with your writing.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Very good job here. You managed to meet the challenge’s rules by using visuals and a V.O. narration that always added additional layers to the story and never felt redundant.

Good visuals (the abandoned children’s toys was one of the highlights), pretty good descriptions, and a haunting narration made of the simple premise chosen (and old man hearing noises) a very interesting read.

And the story takes a turn at the end, making the reader to wonder if all this noises were just in this character’s imagination. My only beef is how you handled the twist. The narrator suddenly mentioning his name felt a bit off. It seemed to happen just for the sake of the twist, since there was no apparent reason (as far as the logic in his narration is concerned) to suddenly mention his name.

I liked the dark ending, with him tearing apart his own house.

My favorite so far. Wouldn’t be surprised if it makes it to one of the top spots.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought you set this up nicely. The tone and the writing was of good quality. But I thought the ending was weak. I really wanted something exciting to happen, some sort of surprise but it never came.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Great story and vivid use of language! I can easily picture this one on the screen. The ending was very effective because we spend most of the story being tied to Arthur's POV and only in the end, in that final shot of him tearing down the house, do we move to a more objective point of view where we can really see what's going on. One of my favorites so far this month!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I liked it and could easily visualize the story.

My only beef with this story is that I wish it had not been told in (V.O). I think it would have been better if Arthur talked to himself even. I found the (V.O) distracting.

Other than that good job.

Pia

Ralph Shorter (Level 3)

Eery, and unexpected. Don't know that I completely understand it, though. Visually, it would be interesting... until the ending. Then what? Is there a doppelganger lurking in the shadows or just an imaginary friend? The protagonist's voice is the same as the V.O. - what does this mean? Don't know how this would play out as a film.

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Monster House without the kids. Several stories threaded through crazy, and it's nice to see that Aurtur does not kill himself. But I can not get away from this being like Monster House.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Interesting and very well written. I almost wish that the Narrator wasn't Arthur. I think it detracts from the twist. I loved the images and the pacing of the story. I thought the tone was very consistent with the message of the film. If you rewrite the film with the Narrator NOT being Arthur, I think it would still work -- the dialogue would need to be tweaked, especially at the end. Nice response to the challenge.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Great title.
I liked the way you laid this out on the screen...it made for a fast read.

I like the uniqueness of this story, and especially liked the end. I could see him bust the house up.

Very interesting.

Robin Williams (Level 3)

Well-written but I wasn't convinced. I never connected to this kook who couldn't sleep. Maybe the narrating took me out of the story.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Interesting. I went back and read this script again, this time visualizing this playing on screen and I really enjoyed seeing Arthur as he walks around his house. This has a lot of great images. A well told story with a good solid pay off at the end.
Very nice work.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

Okay, I get that Samuel is crazy, but I really didn't understand the story. The voice over to me was confusing. In the beginning, the narrator seemed like a narrator to me. I tried in so many ways imagining Samuel as the voice over, or at least his mind as the voice over, I just couldn't visualize it. I feel that if the narrator was suppose to be the voice in Samuel's mind and it is his mind that's making him crazy, then I think that his mind shouldn't sound like a narrator narrating a story. I thought the writting is great but the story fell short.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I think I missed the point, even though I liked the ending where he's taking the house apart. Okay, so the protagonist is crazy. Might have been a lot better & more suspenseful or intriguing without the annoying Voice-Over that bugged me from the beginning (and I was really disappointed when it turned out to be the protagonist's own voice). The voice-over bugged me for several reasons: 1) I didn't like it explaining things that could have been shown, 2) Or worse when it stated the obvious (ie: "daylight, the house is silent"), 3) and used words like "nought" that nobody ever says.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

This is another script that I just don't think there's enough story. I've noticed quite a few shorts that are well-enough written, create a certain atmosphere (I like the one in this script), but just don't have enough story for me to really get into.

Ultimately, I don't think there's enough of a payoff for this for it to really work.

Also, I think set up with the kids and lost toys is kind of misleading. For me it created an expectation that we'd find out why the toys are swallowed up by the house, then the story goes into a different direction. (and now that I think about, they stay there because the kids are too scared to enter the lawn. I think the beginning could be tweaked a little bit to prevent the expectation that this story will center around the kids and their lost toys).

Valentina Reiken (Level 2)

This is a nice gothic tale. The language is very appropriate and builds an eerie atmosphere.
I think the inner torment of Arthur Samuels would work very well as a short story also.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I'm not sure if Chris will allow a Narrator and a visual character as being one. You would have bene better off to let the Voice-Over be Arthur's inner thoughts, or mix Arthur talking to himself and alternating with his inner thoughts as Voice-Over.

A haunted house is always an eerie setting. I'd like more of a reason fgor it to be haunted. I realize it is Arthur's past, his conscience as he metaphorically disassembles his past life. I wanted a little more tension, a little more conflict. The visualization is vivid and cinematic, but the script needs a little more inner drive.

Comments Made After the Contest

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2007 12:36 AM

I think this is the first one I read from you, Chris. I like your style and really liked this story. Good job.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 11/1/2007 5:24 AM

Just read the script. Loved it. Wonderfully stylistic and engaging. I loved the way you wove the Narrator-Arthur with Villian-Victim, Monster-Frail Old Man... it worked, and worked very well.

Lots of white space and a very creative tale. The images of the toys, gate, ball bouncing, turret and flicking candle are equally marvelous and cinematic.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 11/1/2007 8:07 AM

...and I love the title. A "Tales from the Crypt" feel to it, from title to last period.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2007 8:24 AM

First and foremost, thank you all for the wonderful comments.

I tried to write this in a very specific style (I love Poe) and I'm not surprised that people seem to love or hate the Voice Over dialogue.

Alex, I think that is a great suggestion about the crowbar and would have made a better and far more visual twist at the end. I wish I thought of it.

Matias, Thanks for the extra note. It means a lot to me that you dug this story.

William Bienes, Thanks a lot for reading it and I'm glad you loved it as well.

William Coleman, I hope Chris will allow it - otherwise I'm going to have a fight with myself. :)

Lastly, I always write listening to music and this script was no exception. I was primarily listening to the score from "The Red Violin", which I highly recommend.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2007 7:09 PM

Chris, I've seen the movie but I'll have to pick up the soundtrack - maybe it'll inspire me to write as well as you! This was a really great script and from one Voice Over guy to another - I think you handled it really well. Now, will there be a Small Round Thing script from our fearless leader?

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2007 7:24 PM

As it turns out, I do have a script in the "Small Round Things" competition. I listened to a very different album to get in the mood for that script.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 11/28/2007 10:15 PM

LOL - I like to listen to music while I work too. I choose music to match the genre or tone I'm trying to create (I ask myself, what would the soundtrack of the film be like?).

BTW, "Red Viloin" is on my top ten list of best movies ever.