Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Okay I should dislike this. It's got quite a few format mistakes (capitalize character names once, at point of introduction), the dialogue is very expositional and at times unnatural... and then suddenly I read the word 'Alien Invasion'. And the idea of a work obsessed businessman so dedicated to landing the account that he missed the invasion brought a smile to my face. I would have prefered a few more clues. YOu could have got away with quite a lot more in the car. Fires, gunshots. All things that could be blamed on the rising crime rate so as not to give the game away. Still the idea was enough although I get the feeling the premise owes a fair bit to Shaun of the Dead. Still however, in spite of myself, I'm giving it a good.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Good work. This is like a fun quirky Ed Wood-esque piece. I think you can afford to let the alien joke in sooner and maybe get some comic pay off with Peter's cluelessness/focus.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Interesting idea, I like the twist at the end very much and didn't see it coming. A couple of things - in your description, rather than saying Peter "comes walking" just use "walks" - also I think you only have to capitalize his name the first time. I think the margins for the dialogue were off (not sure though) - also break it up when you have him talking to himself and then just talking into the phone.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The character was never properly introduced. There's no need to capitalize all of PETER every time his name appears. I noticed several missed punctuations. Unless you are stating someone's age, write your numbers out. Most of the dialogue felt very rigid and unrealistic. The story itself was okay though, I just think if you had given it a rewrite or two it could have been MUCH better.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was an interesting story, but, like so many others, you relied on phone conversations (subject matter repeated) and someone talking to himself (not very credibly)

In essence, this was a good story with an amusing ironic twist, which it would have been quite possible to write by SHOWING his reactions rather than using speech.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a fun little story.

I think this will work better the shorter it is. Save the shadow overhead for later in the story (since it gives the ending away) and try to pack it all down into two pages. Less dialogue and repetition and more visuals.

If you can do this all in two pages or less, I think it could be great.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This is really funny! I got a chuckle at the end. I liked the point you were trying to make about focus and priorities.

There were a few typos and I am sure they will be pointed out. If not, let me know.

Good job.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

I liked the concept, Peter being so focused that he notices nothing around him.

I did think he did a little too much talking to himself that might not play out so well on the screen; didn't seem very natural, but rather like he was telling the audience.

A number of typos and needed commas.

I believe you could have given us another page, building up the ending or creating a little more tension and drama.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

There is a great little story in this and may call for a longer version.

I like your style but it needs a bit of polishing.

I hope that the voice mails are never heard. That would break this month’s theme. :)

I am going to give you a few pointers that may help you along.
Please take this as constructive criticism.

Your use of capitals throughout the script is unnecessary. It is throughout your dialogues and actions.
You also only need to capitalise PETER just the once; when you introduce him.

Check your grammar in the dialogue, eg:

1. Bob. Peter I was hoping to catch before today’s deal closing.

Bob! Peter! I was…

2. PETER car is driving through traffic. However all the cars on the road are abandoned. PETER drives around them.

Peter encounters traffic. He swerves around the cars noticing they’ve all been abandoned.

Not saying this is the best way of writing it, but you need to be more direct.

Try to cut back on your “ing” and “ly” endings.

When you complete a script, read it aloud. You will pick up many grammatical errors. That’s what proofreading is all about.

Keep writing! These exercises on MP are meant to better writers and to receive as much criticism as possible.

It not only makes you a better writer but a tougher one. :)

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Made me think of the old saw - [pretend you] don't notice them and they won't bother you. His frenzied impatience adds a necessary kick to his (humorous) blitheness to make it score good.

A little variation other than his name beginning most actions would be welcomed.

(Aside: If no space between scene header and scene, and lack of day/night in header are your personal touches, maybe look for other personal touches. I think the general preference is that they be there.)

Kirk White (Level 5)

cute...a little "done" but nice. not sure if I buy his not realizing that there was no coffee in the pot though.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

You need only capitalize Peter's name once. Also I would invest in screenwriting soft ware such as Final Draft. You're formatting is all off. And they were quite a few typos which makes it distracting to read. I don't get why Peter isn't more concerned about the fact that no one is around, other then the fact he can't believe they aren't there for the big meeting.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Both the desolation around Peter and his indifference to it are quite intriguing. Screenwriting is a very tough craft since one good idea is never enough to carry a story, you need lots of them. Even with such a short page count.

Your premise was intriguing at first, but then the story got repetitive. While you describe different events, all these events send the same message to the audience: “Look, this guy is alone in the world and doesn’t even notice!” That’s cool… the first time. But then you have to tell the audience something new and equally (or more) interesting.

Look up what’s the standard industry format for scripts. No biggie, but format seems a little messed up in this one. There’s even free screenwriting software you can download online.

You don’t need to describe Peter as a “man” since his name is obviously male.

Peter’s monologues (except the voicemails) ringed quite artificial. The writer’s intention to feed exposition to the audience becomes too apparent when a character talks with nobody to listen.

You could work a bit on your ending. You don’t explain why Peter didn’t get what was happening around him. The reason provided (his mind was on something else) isn’t enough; nobody is that stupid. Try to work out a better reason, like making him blind or something.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

You do a good job of revealing Peter's character as too focused and his priorities as being out of wack. I don't believe that he could be that oblivious, however. Peter can't ignore these odd signs because his noticing them is incovenient for you as the writer. Whatever signs you use to communicate to the reader/viewer that the aliens have invaded must be dismissed by Peter based on one or more of his characteristics.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Cute ending. I liked it. I thought though, that it was a bit obvious that something like that was going to happen. Perhaps if you can't conceal it more you should play it up even more. I would suggest rewriting this for more than one person and have Peter FOCUS through an all out alien battle - you could have some great comedy with him treating the aliens like fellow commuters or perhaps workmates. Then have him, rather than the audience, come to a realisation at the end of just what he is missing.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was okay.

Your action paragraphs could be broken up some for easier faster reading. Trim some of the descriptions too.

Quite a few typos, but I'll ignore those since I tend to have them too. :-)

Story wise, I don't think a lot really happened here. If you think about it, Peter gets dressed and drives to work. During his drive, he makes phone calls that basically say the same thing over and over. No one is around and he has that big closing that day. The only thing that happens is the shadows over his car, but by the time the invasion is revealed in the end, I had already figured what was going on.

Not bad, but could be made better I think.

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Interesting that the radios don't work but cell phones do. Apocolyptic in nature, and I'm thinking some humor should be involved due to Peter's misplaced focus, but I didn't laugh. The flying saucer thing didn't work due to the cell phone thing. So then the ending was a let down.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I thought it was funny that Peter uses the word focus over and over and does not focus on the things that are obvious all around him. Still, I was distracted by the constant capitalization of his name. It's a small format issue but it did detract. I also thought you repeated the same scene each time with different phone calls. Peter made one after another rather than show him encountering an escalating series of events leading to the big reveal. That was the other problem -- why wasn't Peter affected by the alien invasion if everyone else was?

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Cute title. I liked your story about Peter focusing on his big deal and how he was so focused that he didn't see the shadow over his head....

The format needs serious help as it distracts from the story. See if you can get Final Draft software or Movie Magic. It would help with your formatting.

A few things:

You capitalized PETER throughout the whole story. You only capitalize it the first time we see the character.

Your dialog ran together. I couldn't tell if he was talking to someone on the phone or to himself.

You may want to use (V.O.) in certain places. Sometimes when Peter talks to himself, it just doesn't sound realistic.

Robin Williams (Level 3)

I didn't buy that Peter was so focused he didn't notice the absent neighbors or street traffic or ships flying above.

Interesting concept but not beleievable as presented.

Be careful in the future with missing words. Also tighten up your writing, cut out excessive words. A lot of the action lines could be condensed.

Another rewrite would take this to the next level.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Your story about Peter and his job interview is a good idea. I do think the conversations Peter has about the many voice mails just don't work. Most people don't talk to themselves like this. I know you have to get the message across to the reader, but it comes off very on the nose. I think he would really be panicked as he went on his merry way to the office. Surely he would question what is going on around him, even if he was focused on his meeting?

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I thought this was a good story. The writting was nice but, there were some typos and missing words in the descriptions and the dialog. Also, I think that if there was an alien invasion, people wouldn't be hiding, there would be chaos throughout the streets. I'd think you'd see the military and news crews out and about and alarms and horns roaring. Other than that, this was a really good read.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Very Twilight-Zoney. The shadows were a good use of fore-shadowing.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Not sure if the people driving in the other cars would be considered "actors", but, eh, that's just nitpickin' on my part...Thought it was funny, Peter's completly oblivious, "I'm right, the world is wrong mentality" is pretty typical of the modern person...

William Coleman (Level 5)

The tempo is brisk, the visuals vivid. I half-expected your ending. It's rather similar to my premise, but yours takes an understated approach. The "focus" has an irony that I like since Peter does't look beyond the tunnel of his ambition. I'd suggest that you need a couple of moments of tension - a car running away and just missing him as he drives on - that sort of thing. The tone tends to be a little flat as it is. Moments of tension and incident would make your script leap off the page.

You need to work on your formatting.

Comments Made After the Contest

John Foley (Level 4) ~ 11/8/2007 7:05 PM

I am new to this site and this script was my first posting.
This is the first time I have ever received this much feedback on my writing at once. So I would like to thank everyone who did take the time to respond.

I had to take a couple of days for the comments made to sink in. I now have to think about a plan if I do attempt to rewrite it. I am at least going to try to.

I have written other screenplays that have been submitted to other websites. And one even placed in the top ten of a contest. However, none of them ever provided any detailed feedback. This is the best thing that this site does. However, the first time was not always the easiest to hear.
My screenplay writing is a self taught skill. I apologize for the format errors. I did not realize that the capitalizing of names all the time was a mistake. This is what I have always done. And do not ask me where I got the idea for it. I think I saw it done in a script whose format I was copying. This was the first time hearing that it was wrong. I know I have to work on the format. In this case break some old habits. I would like to apologize for them for they are still there in my November entry.
There were some problems with my dialogue especially punctuation and such. I did proofread. The mistake was I was making sure it sounded right instead of looking right on the page. I need to get use to fact that people are actually reading it. They are going to give me more comments than “It’s good”, “Interesting”, “Weird”, etc.

John Foley (Level 4) ~ 11/8/2007 7:05 PM

I know some people had a problem believing that Peter could be that self-absorbed. I got the idea from an event I witnessed. I was thinking about the theme for that month’s contest about one being the loneliest number. I was in my car at a busy intersection. A metro bus had pulled over and a man wearing a business suit got off the bus. He was talking away on his cell phone. He then proceeded to walk in front of the bus. He did not have the right of way. The driver of the oncoming car had to slam on his breaks to stop from hitting this man. The man on the cell phone started yelling at the driver that this was his fault. This is where I got the idea that someone on a cell phone could be so wrapped up in their own little word that they would not be aware of their own impending doom. So I just took this idea and magnified it a bit.
I witnessed a person being unaware on another occasion. I had a co-worker who I watched trying to fill his mug with an empty coffee pot. He was mad no one had made coffee. He was also mad that I laughed at him about what he did.
I know some people had problem with the dialogue itself. A few had issue with the fact that Peter talked to himself a lot. I think I was trying to emphasize (maybe too much) the fact that he is indeed self absorbed. I think he is so self-absorbed that deep down he believes that the only person who can have a meaningful conversation with him is indeed himself.
And to some the dialogue itself seemed awkward. I based it on friend of mine who does seem to have two conversations at once while talking on a cell phone. It was probably too much of an inside joke to convey within this script.
I did make the mistake that many sci-fi films make and that is sticking with the science on how things operate. I had the cell phones working. However, the radio stations did not. My thought was that the radio stations were fine but all the on air people had decided to leave.
I think the hardest part of this script was the fact that there could only be one person. It was challenge to have a driving force for the action be this one person. The one way cell phone talk is a way to introduce so explanation. In my script I had other cars speeding by. I do not feel it was necessary to show the people in the car themselves. And Peter being in his own little world does not pay attention to them anyways. However, I think this is a minor argument here.
But I guess it is back to the rewrite.
Thanks again for reading this

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 11/9/2007 10:20 AM

John,

I hope you got my reply to your email. I hope I helped. I am a newbie too and I agree that the feedback here is priceless.

Go get the book I suggested the Bible by D. Trottier and you will be up and running in no time. You are very close.

I still forget and make lots of mistakes. We are new, it's expected.

Have a great weekend.
Dawn

G Woolf (Level 1) ~ 10/28/2008 5:53 PM

It's a fun piece. I'm new to the whole writing thing.. but it is a fun little script with a believable character.