Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

Interesting. Sci fi drama? I guess I don't see the conflict through the whole movie. Why does a misanthrope care about his missing father? Maybe it's more of a selfish goal. I like the idea of a antihero who accidentally saves millions of lives. Kinda funny actually.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

They did a poll among Hollywood readers to find out the spec scripts they encountered the most.... two words kept cropping up-

HITLER/NAZIS
TIME TRAVEL

And amazingly, like here, very often in the same script. Writers seem obsessed with what might happen if World War II were averted. It's all about the nature of cause and effect and how such a bloody great ripple would alter our present.

An interesting thought....

...The first time I saw it in script form 5 years ago.

It might well be a good script, and I'm fascinated by the whole cause and effect, but this is the most unoriginal script so far in that it flips the other polar opposite way and becomes tired and cliche- POOR!

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

And then what? this has great potential, I just want to see a little more on your logline to see where this is going? I can see it being kind of Back to the Future with nazis, which is a great premise. Maybe that has repercussions and he needs to go back and rescue Hitler or he'll never be born or something? Is saving your own life worth letting everyone that die in the holocaust die? Of course not, but what a fantastic moral dilema! I can't wait to see how this develops.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Well, it has opportunity for both drama and comedy, I suppose. I'm not sure what genre you're aiming it. Try to include something in your logline that gives your reader a hint of what kind of story it is (obviously some sci-fi element, with the time travel and all...but that still could be either comedy or drama).

Personally, I'm not a big fan of anything happening by "accident" in a logline -- it says to me the MC doesn't really intend to be there. Just a thought -- how does it change it for you if the MC's actions are more deliberate?

Have fun with your writing!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Haha! Great premise, very original idea! I think the genre is comedy, I'd imagine the protagonist, Jewish misanthrope, played by a young version of Woody Allen. Great possibilities for a what-if scenario. What if Hitler hadn't come to power?

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

YES! More plots about killing Hitler. It's been talked about, but I don't know if it's been done WITH COMMITMENT yet... kill that bastard and show us what the world would be like. Or if another one just springs up in his place.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: Biblical mood? I don't see how it ties into the story.

Story: Your story is high concept, but I need a few blank filled in. How does one accidentally travel back in time?

Could he purposefully travel back in time and accidentally kill Adolf?

Accident or not, it's an original concept.

Craft: To the point. No wasted words. No typos or grammar errors.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Title - well a name that says it all, lets see..

Protagonist -a jewish misanthrope (what is this? - just checked it out, but still will everyone get that?)

Antagonist - i dont know

Genre - sci fi, drama

Other - where does Goliath come in, don't see the connection. whilst interesting i don't feel it works since we know he lived, the wars happen and we are where we are. maybe better to say he has the chance to

interesting but not for me

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Title was intriguing, had a biblical sense to it.

Nicely constructed logline, was succinct and to the point, ought to make an interesting read.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Decent title. I'm not sure how it correlates to the movie, but that could be answered in the script.

This feels incomplete to me. You have a wonderful set-up, but then what happens? I know that this will change the course of history, but does the guy try and fix it by convincing someone else to play the role of Hitler? Does he take it upon himself to be Hitler? Or does he carry on his merry way and let history be altered forever?

The logline should give some sense of what the movie is about, I only get a sense of the set-up, or situation. If I was a producer I would highly consider this, because your set-up has a lot of potential, but I wouldn't request the script just yet.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Title -- "Goliath" would more than likely catch my attention; first thought biblical or a sports movie. Then I read the logline, and I was like, "Oh."

Story -- Stories regarding time travel always peak my interest. I like your character description. After reading the logling, I did have more questions about the story -- not in a bad way, but more in a curous manner. There's no sense of doom; I suppose I can assume the problems will lie within the buttefly effect of killing Hitler.

Craft -- Maybe it's the short, one sentence approach, but this logline puts alot of questions in my head. Mostly in a good sense, because it's peaked my interest. Grammar and spelling was on point as far as I am concerned.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

That's a great set up! So your film is going to be about ten pages long?!

I think we need a little more fleshing out of the detail about what happens next - but it's a compelling idea.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Bastard, can't kill Hitler you could make everything worse. Now did he accidentally kill him or intentionally killed a kid? Kind of makes you think. A good logline though, kinda would like to know what's in the third act though, unless the killing is it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your logline feels like two very different movies to me. Both are compelling: a man searching for his father and traveling back in time to kill Hitler. But it's hard to see (or imagine) how they are connected or even connected to the title.

This might be an amazing story, but I think the logline needs a bit of work and clarity so we have a clearer idea of the structure.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

While an intresting premise, I feel it is incomplete. I'm not clear on the what the obstacles are nor the genre. Is the title appropriate? I mean a young Hitler may not be as formidable as a fully baked Hitler.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

YES! I love it. Time travel- and time travel having to deal with WW2 is something I can really get behind! Does he murder Hitler or does he accidently kill Hitler? I hope he murders him. This will be interesting to read for sure.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

After that thing with Brad Pitt in it, a lot of these fantasies seem to be showing up. As a logline it's pretty straightforward and to the point. As a story it seems more like a short than a feature. Unless there is more to it than your logline is telling me (and there probably is), this is pretty lean. But you get points because it actually describes a story.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

David Birch (Level 5)

not sure how the title works with the logline...the logline doesn't convey any real goals or stakes in it...i mean, if this is just an accidental benefit to his journey to find his father, then we really don't care because we all know hitler's going to die anyway...so, unless this happens prior to hitler taking power (and thus saving millions of lives) then there just isn't a compelling reason to want to read the screenplay...try "turning up the heat" and giving us a sense of urgency and your logline will jump out at the reader/producer more...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Title is good though it can mean so many different things. And as I read the logline I’m not sure what the connection is between the title and the story. I like time travel stories in general so I’m automatically ready to read more of this story. However, the “kills a young Adolf Hitler” thing just doesn’t ring well for me. It seems such a stark set of words within the otherwise interesting premise presented in the rest of the logline. So I’m torn on this one. Perhaps the first part of the logline, that describes a journey and a search is what is interesting to me. The second part about Hitler just doesn’t have that same appeal. Maybe it seems to me that the Hitler thing is a completely different story.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Good - I think.

Story: Interesting, but I'd like more info. Does he just kill Hitler and then come home and everything's lovely? No offense, but that could be really boring. I need more information to see what's compelling here. What is his struggle?

Craft: Pretty good. I know a lot about the story from this single sentence. As I mentioned, I just want to know more what is at stake for him.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I am very interested by this. Sounds fascinating. However, there's no secrets left here really. A young man with a general hatred towards humankind goes back in time and kills Hitler. Okay...that's cool. But where's the conflict? Where's the mystery?
You've given us someone who hates people and made him a murderer. No surprises.
You've given us a young Jewish man and had him kill Hitler. Of course!
I challenge you to make some different choices there. What if this boy is a passivist who has the opportunity to kill Hitler? Can he do it? What if he's a german passivist? Can he do it then? What if he's the secret german passivist love child of Hitler? Would he kill his father and erase his OWN existence?
I think you have an interesting concept...kind of the Terminator meets Inglorious Basterds...but why do I want to read your script instead of just renting those movies? See what I mean?

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I love everything about this logline and title. Please don't change a thing. It earned an EXCELLENT from me. Good luck with the screenplay.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

After reading your logline, I really like your title which seems apt and perfect.

I'm just wondering if you have described enough of a skeleton of a logline to flesh out enough bones and muscles to make a complete movie. "Kills a young Adolf Hitler" seems so final. What are the consequences of that action? It feels like there are huge pieces missing in the plot. Otherwise, an intriguing idea with some big theme possibilities - "Searching for a missing father" "time travel".

Good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Title is good. Unclear as to who is the giant.
How many people know the definition of misanthrope?
Does he accidentally kill Hitler?
Hitler has a shock value. Controversy sells. Cool.
Is this a comedy?
Will it be a time travel story complete with paradoxes?

GOOD.

=== A Jewish man travels back in time and kills twelve year old Adolf Hitler.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is okay, but by itself may be a little misleading. The logline is very concise but I'm not sure if this covers the entire story or not. If it does cover the whole story, I think you should change the end of the logline to a cliffhanger. If it does not cover it all, I suggest hinting at what happens next.

James Hughes (Level 5)

title - fair. To me, goliath isn't the interesting part of the david vs. goliath story, so to use that in the title doesn't generate excitement for me.

Story - Time travel is cool but I am not sure what the story is. What does killing a young adolf hitler drive in the story, what avenue does the story take? I do not know from the logline.

Craft - The lack of information around the story I guess comes back to craft. I suggest giving more indication of what happens next.

James McConnell (Level 3)

I like this one although I'm not 100% sure of the story. It feels like the protagonist's main goal is to find his missing father and I'm assuming that this is what is going to drive the story forward. However, it's overpowered by the fact that he kills Adolf Hitler. What if the movie was structured in a way in which he had to make a choice: save his father or kill Hitler. This would be a far greater hook and wouldn't reveal as much as the current logline that reveals that he WILL kill Hitler. I'm not really sure of the genre. This could be a comedy, a dark comedy, a drama... It has a lot of potential.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Well. I have to say that I would love to see this.

BUT

the logline isn't properly constructed. What happens AFTER he kills Hitler? I think that's the meet of your story right there. I'm assuming he kill Hitler int he beginning. If not, then what happened in between? There is a chunk of your story that you failed to mention, and I wish you had, or I would have given this a better grade, because the story sound really interesting.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I can smell some Woody Allen influence on this one... but thats ok because I LOVE Woody Allen!

To be honest, I can't find much here to fault.

Ah, actually there is one thing, I think this needs an indication of what happens next. Surely this is just the first act of the film. You need it to read "...and kills a young adolf hitler, causing...".

Also, I've just been assuming it's a comedy because Woody Allen was the first thing to pop into my head, but on rereading the logline, there absolutely no indication of this, the point I'm getting to is that you NEED some indication of tone.

"Very Good", you've got me rather curious and i'd definately read on after this logline.

Jo Gates (Level 3)

Although "Goliath" is much more recognizable, wouldn't the "slaying the monster" aspect of this story make the guy "David" not Goliath? The "accidental" setup doesn't thrill me, and the meat of this story would be what happens then--does something else rise in place of Hitler?

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Any time travel movie can be good if done right. Going back in time to kill Adolf Hitler, opens up a lot of posibilities as far as where the story can go. I would like more information on what happens after the hero kills Hitler.

Keith Yount (Level 2)

Would really like to put a name to the Jewish misanthrope. What is a misanthrope? I think describe your characters with simpler words that 8th graders can understand. May want to hint on how he achieves this time travel. Needs to make a descision to kill or not kill young Hitler. I think that would make me want to read more.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Somehow kills a young Adolf Hitler requires more explanation.

I want to know the challenges that the young man faces. What if he doesn't find his father. Where is his father...etc.
"accidentally travels back in time" - I wonder why accidentally.

I guess it should be either about him searching for his father, or about him killing Hitler. Either that or these two thoughts have to come together in the logline somehow. Might be just me...

Kim M Brantley (Level 3)

The title is attention-getting, but it does not give an indication of what the logline or the story is about.

The logline is convoluted. A misanthrope hates mankind. If someone really hated mankind and wanted to see an end to humanity, the last person he would target for death is Adolf Hitler, who hated mankind as well.

And how does one "accidentally" travel back in time? The audience/reader needs to understand how this is possible.

The genre of the story is mostly clear in that this appears to be a thriller, perhaps with sci-fi elements.

You have outlined a clear protagonist with a clear goal in a Jewish man trying to find his missing father, but you fail to connect the dots and leave too many questions unanswered.

Kirk White (Level 5)

not sure why a misanthrope would be searching for his father so this gives me a little confusion as to the character arc here. I think I need a weeee more as to the story to fully invest in this script.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I don't like the title because it sound bigger the what the logline.
The logline doesn't tell the story of what will happen in the movie.
You should give more details about the journey the man is on.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be science fiction drama.
Intriguing premise. Adolf Hitler is a polarizing character. Curious about how the Jewish son finds Hitler.
Might have given away the climax revealing that the protagonist actually "kills...Adolf Hitler." Perhaps the logline should simply indicate this guy travels back in time to 1930s or 1940s Germany. May not need to mention his trip was an accident.
The title is well thought out. A perfect fit.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This logline is just the tip of the iceberg. And it doesn't even address the real story.

The real story is: what does the world look like without Adolf Hitler? Now that's a movie I'd pay to go see. Did World War II happen anyway? Did Germany still prove a pliable vacuum for a totalitarian-minded dictator?

Incidentally, this isn't the first logline in this contest to mention "accidentally" traveling in time. I just don't understand how this could possibly be accidental. Something so improbable and impossible as time travel doesn't just happen on accident. And even if it did, why should it happen to this random guy?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You've got an intriguing premise here, but all it is is the first act set-up to the story. What I'm imagining is that, due to the nature of time travel and paradoxes and whatnot, he ends up having to take Hitler's place with hilarious consequences. Of course that could be the opposite direction to where you're taking this, but the point is that we simply don't know what happens next from this logline.

This could be a really cool idea, or it could be horribly forced and corny, but no-one will know until you add a second sentence.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Interesting title for the concept.

Unfortunately the error in your opening is going to hurt you in this contest. I think you meant to write "In a search FOR his missing...".

Additionally, you've set up an ironic situation, but what's to come of that? How will this accident affect his life going forward? Is his misanthropic nature due in any way to the Holocaust? It's not clear from your entry, so it's hard to understand if this accidental event in his life will affect him in any way.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Kind of done before -- or at least talked about to great length. It seems like a different kind of spin on it being from a Jewish perspective. Good title. Nicely written log line, I just think the back in time Hitler thing is a bit over used.

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

This sentence brings up so many unanswered questions, it all feels kind of haphazardly put together. There is also no mood or style to this at all, so there are no cues as to what I'm supposed to feel here. The Hitler element in the premise is somewhat intriguing, I just don't have any idea what you're going to do with it.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I like the title from the point of view of the challange that the main character undertakes, but it implies he is planning to kill Hitler. Perhaps he comes to this after accidentally traveling back in time.
I think your logline needs to include a little scenario which could explain how someone accidentaly goes back in time. It is hard enough to do when you are trying, so I think the logline needs to float some simple premise that gives me the opportunity to read on without wondering how.
I think it could be interesting to have someone who is a misanthrope given a chance to help the world that he is not particularly enthralled with. There is a good inner struggle. I think the logline needs to be clearer as to how Hitler is killed. Not the specifics, but I can't tell whether killing Hitler was accidental as well or whether, back in time, the hero decides he has the opportunity so he takes it.
In this case, most of the story, I would think, would be the results of killing a young Hitler, rather than the act of murder itself.
good luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

title has obvious connotations with the bible story and what that represents.

story: this is so short and simple I'm not really sure what the story is. Does he kill Hitler sudden;y and accidentally like Dorothy kills the witch or does he hunt Hitler out once he's travelled back in time? If it's the latter you've got a story but it's also too similar to Stephen King's new novel. If it's the former - I don't know what the story is.

craft: very simple.

overall: I'm not massively intrigued by this because the story isn't clear - this is TOO short and simple, I want to know if this is a tale about vengeance or srendipity. I'm also not sure what the genre is.

Mohammad Nawaz (Level 4)

Nice logline but what now? He kills Hitler? Is that all?

You should've mentioned what happens. Does he stay in that timeline and is hunted by Germans or does he go back to the future to discover that the world has changed? A little more information would've been nice. Only a good from me.

Moldovan Alexandru (Level 3)

Ummm... yeah this subject is quite sensible and unless you're Quentin Tarantino to write a script like "Inglorious basterds" I wouldn't recommend you to embark on this script not to mention that the idea is quite weak and doesn't attract me at all.

From my point of view this wouldn't make a great script but hey I don't want to discourage you,if you manage to finish it I would read it just out of curiosity to see with what you came up.

Best of luck.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Great premise, but only an okay logline.

Nowadays, it is difficult to just say someone “travels back in time.” With all the time-travel movies, it is important to set yours apart by explaining how the temporal displacement happened. Strange portal, wacky machine, etc...?

I’m a little skeptical about your use of the word “misanthrope.” How does this description relate to any of the story you have presented? The answer could lead to the more important question regarding what exactly is his goal, here? Is it to find his father? Might be kind of hard if he’s trapped in the past. Is it to kill Hitler? You tell us he already did that. Is his goal to get back to the present (ala BACK TO THE FUTURE)? Hard to tell with the provided information.

And what is his main opposition to the unnamed goal? Is it Hitler? I’m guessing that Hitler dies near the middle of the story, which would lead to some interesting situations, but I have no idea what those might be. Is he struggling with the social differences between the times? Possibly. But what is the guiding factor—the “or else...” moment? What if he can’t find his father, or get back to the present, or attain whatever goal he’s trying to attain? There needs to be something at stake which drives him towards his goal throughout the story...like the “present” being erased from existence in BACK TO THE FUTURE.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Alright, that happens. And then what? I mean, that sets the movie in motion right? So why not clear up his goals and obstacles?

You need a second sentence: Now he must correct the timeline or all will be lost, or something to that extend. You need a proper motivation and goal, this is just the set-up.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's pithy, and I think I see the logic of it all, but the pieces don't quite hang together. It's the "looking for his father" part - it's thematically related to his Jewish heritage, but it doesn't seem to flow into the time travel element. It feels more like a character trait tacked on for the logline's sake - which it's probably not.

It's pretty well done, and I'd give the first ten pages a look.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title has good movie potential.

The concept is an awkward one. I can see how you can get good drama from it. However the question of killing a young Hitler is something that has been so widely addressed that it is almost a cliche.

Your logline works okay, although it may have too many different story elements described within it. Perhaps if you concentrate on the core element it might be easier to get people excited about the idea.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I can't imagine the middle of the movie. Obviously if Hitler is so young, he hasn't developed his issues yet, so if this happens at the middle of the movie, what's the rest about? I think there needs to be more of an element of the result of the killing. does something different happen or does history simply repeat with a different personification of evil? Give us more.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

Okay, you have a set up, but after he kills Adolf Hitler what happens? I wanted to like this idea, but the logline pretty much gives us nothing. You have the main character with a starting point, but after killing Hitler, does he stay in Germany? Does he find his father? Does he travel back to the present and everything is different? Like I said, I wanted to like this, but the lack of detail in this logline prevents me from doing so.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

ROFL!

This needs a bit more fleshing out, but damn is it unique and hilarious.

- Why is his father missing?
- How could he accidentally travel back in time?
- Any other characteristics that he has? Perhaps he's a Hasidic Jew?

But I'm hooked, and hope you provide these answers in a cracker of a first ten pages. Great title.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Don't know why the title is Goliath. How does that relate to the story? I don't know if you need the word accidentally. Just have him travel back in time. Not sure if this is complete enough. What happens after he kills young Adolf Hitler? It feels incomplete.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

What happens after that? You can't leave a logline like that... Well, you can but if the world gets better, you don't have a story. If it doesn't, that's something worth mentioning in the logline.

I am curious how someone accidentally travels back in time, though. I wish doing it were that easy.

Anyway, it could've been a good logline but you don't have a logline. You have an inciting incident.

Fair.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Awesome! Clear, concise & compelling. Can't wait to see the movie.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Yes! This is what a great logline is all about; short and to the point. You don't waste any time with story set-ups, only what we need to know is there. Your hook is great; anyone would interested to know what a young Hitler could be like. Maybe he used to be a nice guy. There's nothing here I can offer criticism on.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Not sure how it relates to the story

Logline: I don't understand where the story is here. You don't give me any information about the stakes in this film. Without that, I don't really understand why I should see this film.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

Unique title but it feels somewhat forced. It still works though.

The only thing I like about your logline is that you made your protagonist unlikeable by being a misanthrope. Everything else in your logline is flawed. How could a random Jewish man travel back in time with no means of doing so? It just seems like a deus ex machina. Also, what is the conflict this character is dealing with? Clearly, the search for his missing father is not the conflict because it is presented as a catalyst for the assassination of Hitler. There is no conflict presented because this character committed an act and we are given no idea what conflict that act has caused.

In fact, I feel like this movie is over. So what if the father was missing? Hitler's dead. I feel like I should just tell this character, "Well done," and move on with my life.

This screenplay seems to be going absolutely nowhere and I feel like you have no understanding of what you want the story to actually be about. I'm not even sure if this is comedic, dramatic, or something in between. It is out of this lack of any direction that I feel like I have to give you a Poor.

William Coleman (Level 5)

The title suggests something Biblical rather than what your logline suggests. As for your logline, it is too lean. It needs to be expanded considerably. I think you got stuck on the one sentence theory of loglines. I have had great success getting 'reads' with two and three sentence loglines that stay close to 60 words. you idea if fascinating and suggests you may be moving into an alternative history script. However, there is not enough here to compel a studio reader to ask for a copy of your script. Perhaps it all hinges on the word 'accidentally' - maybe he finds a way to go back and kill Hitler? Just an idea.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Decent for a logline, but this is one of the greatest time travel cliches of all time. Your logline may do better if you can somehow work that in - because if you know it's a major cliche, the reader may expect much more.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This is very short and sweet, which is good. Also clearly written. In this case, I find myself wanting maybe one more sentence, or something to indicate what kind of movie this is going to be. Is it a "Now, ironically, he must try to restore history to make sure that he himself is born" situation? In a way, it's difficult to tell even if this is an action, comedy, drama, or what. Good job overall, but I'd add a little more to it.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

Okay...

Unfortunately, all you've given me a gimmick. What's the movie? What's the story/plot? Does the misanthrope find his father in the early 20th Century? What does his missing father have to do with anything at all?

There's no antogonist, nothing at stake, no goals, no obstacles...

Sorry, but this needs a lot of work to be a logline, let alone a screenplay.

Comments Made After the Contest

Felipe D. Machado (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 1:02 AM

Thank you everyone for the comments! Reading them now. This is very helpful! Will add comments later.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 3/1/2012 4:04 AM

Gave this an excellent, Felipe! I love thinking about where it'll take me.

Felipe D. Machado (Level 4) ~ 3/4/2012 4:58 PM

"After his father, a renowned physicist, mysteriously disappears, a Jewish misanthrope accidentally travels back in time and kills a young Adolf Hitler. He must now deal with the consequences of murder while trying to locate his father and return to the future."

This explains a little more of where I'm going with this story. While he does prevent WWII, the story itself is not about how wonderful things are and more about the morality of condemning someone before they have done anything wrong. Obviously we all know what Hitler eventually turns into, but when he stumbles across A 25 year old Hitler who hasn't even fought in WWI yet, the man that stands before him isn't the monster we all know yet.