Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Wow! This is a close excellent. Not traditionally how you'd write a logline, but it does the job just the same. If this is like Buried, where it all takes place in tunnels underground, this could be absolute class.

This is moments where I wish we could ask the writer, because if he answered 'it is' to my above statement, then this would get an excellent. All it needed was maybe just that quick explanation tacked onto the end-

'... in this contained/claustrophobic thriller that takes place entirely underneath the battleground'

Then I'm on board. Excellents all the way.

Which brings up a point. Don't be afraid to write this kind of way in a logline. If it illustrates your story better, there's no reason not to include details like this. I have a logline where it starts off with-

'Told in real-time, this is a story of....'

But anyway, this may well not be what this is. And without knowing it gets an on the verge of Excellent- VERY GOOD.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I like it a lot. You have perfectly set the time and feel of the movie as well as the tone. I can't think of anything more to say about it, it's perfect.
The title, I don't love so much. It just doesn't say anything to me. I don't know that if I saw it on a marquee or netflix queue that it would inspire me to see what it was about.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

This sounds like a passive cowardly protagonist. He froze, was spared a Court Marshal (decision made by some one else, he underwent it passively), got sent to a mine tunneling company. Ends up beneath the trenches which is even worse. So the antagonistic forces are clear, his goal is clear.

It just isn't clear that he is going to be doing anything about it at all.

Is he going to freeze in the tunnel also?

Also have a hard time seeing an entire two-hour movie... Is he going to stay frozen for 90 minutes?

It is a great gem of an idea for a short story though I think! Kick him into action already! :-)

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

I don't really get how being under the front lines is worse. What's gonna happen down there? I really have no clue. Maybe this is obvious to someone who knows anything about WWI? I dunno.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: A bit wordy. Military genre?

Story: An interesting period piece. Did these tunneling companies exist?

What challenges does Stanley face in the tunnel? Who's the antagonist?

Craft: "Court Marshal" is misspelled. Do not capitalize.

Trim some of the details such as the summer of 1917. You've established the time period with "World War I".

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Title - now thats a title and half. not sure what i think it is, action war hero stuff, reminds me of heart break ridge, lets see..

Protagonist - Cpl Stanley Hawkes - real life character?

Antagonist - War, tunnels, the army

Genre - Gritty war drama

Other - Long and over explained IMO, yet... there is something about this. I think it has the potential for a hard, claustrophobic film.

I would love to see this line tightened up, it will be one to watch after the first round, i think.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

The title was a little too generic for me, it didn't really match the logline.

The story premise was a good one and would possibly be a good read but the logline was far too long and descriptive.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

The title works. I like it. Although, it was very hard not to read "Messineo Ridge"... ha ha.

As for the logline, it probably could be condensed some, but it doesn't really bother me that much. Others will probably go off about how it should be one sentence and less than 30 words, but I really got into this and am fascinated to read. I do think the last sentence could be reworded slightly to give this more action - perhaps tell us a little about how he learns this lesson.

Nevertheless, if I was a producer looking to produce movies based on loglines, I would request this script. Nice work.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Title -- I like the title. It has imaginative qualities.

Story -- I love stories about war, but I wonder if this idea has enough legs to be stretched into a feature length story. Also, what exactly is the protagonist striving towards?

Craft -- I believe the proper phrase is "court martial" and not "court marshal". Also, loglines that use character names are a big no-no in my book. His name doesn't describe your character to your reader. Also, this reads more like a synopsis than a logline.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The First World War is pretty much my specialist subject with the job that I do!

This storyline is very remeniscent of 'Birdsong' by Sebastian Faulks, recently made into a TV drama by the BBC...

In a logline it doesn't help to name your character - you could just say 'a young corporal'

of the British 5th Army - you could just say 'a young British corporal'

I think this is filled with too much historical detail which overcomplicates the simple message of your story e.g.'one of the bloodiest periods of World War I'etc.

a tunneling company whose job it was to tunnel - repetitive!

It IS an interesting story but one which I've already heard, in essence.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Only the last bit borders on a logline the rest really is useless. Why not just start with something like...A disgraced soldier is sentenced to tunneling duty under enemy lines and.... Stick with the standard antag, protag, goal, obstacle, and consequences and you are usually going to make a fine logline.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love this story. I want to see this movie. I am hooked.

My only concerns is that your loglines is a bit long and wordy. I think you can tighten it and it would really help a lot.

Still, your story is great (the title is just okay) and I think this would make an excellent film.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

This is almost too descriptive. I would generalize more, for example 'Spared a court-martial, a young British corporal, is sent to the worst job, etc.' or something along those lines. Sorry I don't mean to tell you how to write so take it or leave it. Readers get bogged down in wordiness. The intriguing part is being a sapper during WWI.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Very nicely presented. There's something about the way you write it that makes is seem really authentic, like you stole it out of a history book or something. But the concluding sentence has a little dramatic flair to it, leaving no doubt that this is a movie and that anything can happen.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This sounds like a an interesting historical note, but I'm really sure what the story is. Corporal Hawkes freezes up and somehow doesn't get Court Marshaled and then he's reassigned. And now he's in a worse position than he was before. That's the backgrounder, what's the story? It doesn't sound like he can or will do anything to change his fate. He doesn't strive against anything, that I can see. There really aren't any bad guys here, that I know of. In fact in sparing him the Court Marshal the most would think the military gave him a break. He's passive without an identifiable antagonist. He's a guy that has things happen to him. Maybe there's more to your story than this, but your logline didn't tell us what it is.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I think there's a lot that could be trimmed from this logline. For example, imo, it could easily be cut back to: "In one of the bloodiest days of World War I, Corporal Stanley Hawkes froze under fire and refused to leave the trenches. Reassigned to a mine tunneling unit Corporal Hawkes would learn that the only thing worse than being on the front lines was being under them." That said, the last 17 words of this logline are a real grabber. The title is decent (perhaps a bit too on the nose) but the part about being UNDER the front lines really got to me. Nice work.

David Birch (Level 5)

love me some period piece...seems like a compelling story and, while a little long, it still made me want to read the script...can't really give you much advise on what to change because i liked it all...top grade for this one...good luck in the vote!!

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Interesting title. The logline does give me the story so that’s good. It may be a bit long for my tastes and I have to say that it is the last line of the logline that I find most interesting and most compelling. It tells me a lot about what will be so watchable about the story. I’d like to see the first two sentences dramatically shortened and perhaps melded together with a little less detail and more emphasis on the active aspect of the description. The first twenty or so words, while informative, just seem like a chore to get through. And as I said it is the last line that really tells what the story is about. And it’s a story that I think could have a powerful presence on the screen.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Good

Story/Craft: This looks very interesting and even though the logline is too long, I want to read this. Great conflict, interesting characters.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Great title and story premise. However the logline could be simplified. Also, it is not necessary to provide character names in the logline. Consider something like this: "During WWI, a British corporal refuses to leave the trenches. Instead of a court marshal, he is sent to a mine tunneling company, where he learns being under the front lines is worse than being on them." Good luck with the screenplay.

Felipe D. Machado (Level 4)

Your title feels a little too long. I don't mind longer titles, but this seems like it is an unwarranted long title. Not to mention I don't know how to pronounce Messines. Not sure if that is the case for others, but that might be a problem when it comes to marketing.

I like your premise. It's something I've never thought of, having a mine tunneling company to set explosives. Pretty cool idea for a script.

I think where you could use some revisions is the actual craft of the logline. This is very long and unnecessarily so. This is oversimplifying things but I think this would even work:

After refusing to leave the trenches during battle, a WWI soldier is reassigned to a mine tunneling company where he learns that the only thing worse than being on the front lines is being under them.

Obviously even that still needs tweaking, but it gives you an idea of how you can always make it more concise.

Looking forward to reading this. Good luck!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A solid working title highlighting your protagonist. From there on, your lengthy logline reads like a history lesson in being too long and too detailed. Entertain me. Don't educate me. What is the essence of your story? A British WWI Corporal redeems himself after an act of cowardace. I LOVE your last sentence which struck me as very clever. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Title could be more promising. Right now, it just does the job.
The setup for this one takes too long.
Courtmartial not Court Marshall.

GOOD.

=== A frightened soldier of World War I refuses to leave the trenches during an attack. As punishment, he is sent underground to plant explosives under the enemy. It was safer in the trenches.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title sets the mood and tone well for this story. The logline is good and it does overview the story. But I believe the logline should be written in present tense even though it is a historical drama. So I'd suggest changing "froze" to "freezes" and "was" to "is".

James Hughes (Level 5)

Title - the title is good, i am not familiar with this battle, I googled it and saw some stuff, but is sounds cool as part of the title.

Story - Sounds like a very good story.

Craft - I would rate the craft as a good. The writing is clear. However, I don't think it gives the story any boost. The first sentence seems unneccesary to me. If you had said that a failed military corporal is sent to a tunneling company . . . I think your logline would get to the interesting part sooner. I think the interesting thing is people mining under enemy and not necessarily this one person's story.

Overall, I am rating this logline as good. I would suggest focusing the logline, and maybe even the title, more on the mission than on the person.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Seems like an interesting story, but keep it in present tens
e. You could have made the logline a lot shorter too.

A Corporal freezes in combat during the bloodiest periods in World War I. Charged with finishing out his service with a mining company, the Corporal finds out that the only thing worse than the front lines is planting explosives underneath the enemies.

Okay that read kind of disjointed BUT its on the right track. Just clean your logline up a bit and I think you'll have a real gem here

Jo Gates (Level 3)

This sets a serious tone appropriate to a war story, and summarizes the situation well. It may lean past serious to dry, which isn't a good draw for a logline. "It was here" is passive and makes the last sentence lack punch.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

After doing a little research on the Battle of Messines, I can't believe this movie hasn't been made. This is an amazing story that has a huge climax and some dangerous moments leading up to it. Well done.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I read it several times to understand what challenges Corporal faces. So it's a war piece. And he is not on the front lines but mine tunneling... This might be interesting since mines are highly dangerous thingys!

Kim M Brantley (Level 3)

You ably connected the title with the logline, but the title is long and lacks originality. The logline is compelling and outlines the story very well. This is a story deserving of a title with greater impact.

The genre is clear in that this is a war thriller. You have a clear protagonist whose flawed behavior casts him into deeper waters than he could ever imagine.

You create great tension as well by doubly confronting your hero with the possibility of imminent death from the enemy and from his own carelessness.

Kirk White (Level 5)

think this would be an interesting movie and am intrigued. not 100% wild about the title but would probably want to see this

Kisha King (Level 4)

The title is good
The logline is long but it is very good. I like all of the element of this story and I hope I get to read the next ten pages.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a historical war drama. Maybe there's room for a romance for Corporal Hawkes too.
The protagonist and obstacles are perfectly clear. What's particularly compelling will be the circumstances once he starts planting explosives. Assume Corporal Hawkes redeems himself, a great transformation considering he likely is labelled a coward after being unable to fight that summer.
This logline may contain an unnecessary word or two and be a tad long, but the the story idea is really intriguing. Love the title and am looking forward to reading the first ten pages. Good luck.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Spelling error: "Court Martial." Spelling should be perfect in a logline.

This war story could be very interesting. I like the premise a lot. Obviously, it's the subplots and side characters that are really going to make or break this story (much like the colorful characters of "The Great Escape" help that movie transcend the prisoner-of-war genre), but the logline gives me faith that you can do it.

I look forward to reading your first ten pages!

The atrocious spelling error (get your military spelling correct in a military movie!) lowers my score from an excellent to a Very Good.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This sounds like a really interesting story!

I think you could edit out "sent to a mine tunneling" and just "sent to a company whose job it was..." That's about all I'd change, though.

Very nice work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This sounds interesting but this logline is way too long and I don't know how naming Hawkes helps any since he's not a well known historical figure. I like the idea though...even though I don't think you elaborated enough on his obstacles. Maybe you did...I'm not sure. I'm scoring this a good because I do like the basic idea here.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You want the audience to be able to connect with your characters, especially if it's a period piece, so I'd recommend having your logline in present and not past tense.

"one of the bloodiest period of World War I"
I'd like to think that this wouldn't be necessary, but maybe it is to an American audience.

This is a good idea but I wonder if you've read the book or seen the BBC adaptation of 'Birdong'? It's not that you can't have more than one story about tunnelling in World War I, it's that you should separate out what makes your idea different. The fact that he's there because he is a 'deserter' is a good start, but the ending of your logline is generic and doesn't give us an idea of what the story is once he's underground.

Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

The title is OK. One limitation might be the pronunciation of Messines.

This logline is OK but I think it's a bit wordy, it has some unnecessary information. Certainly the corporal's name isn't necessary. A question that came to mind was the possible charge of the court martial. Is this a true story or just fiction?

You've got an interesting premise so tighten up the lines.

During the bloody summer of 1917, a WWI British corporal was spared a court martial for refusing to retreat during a counter attack at the front lines. Rebilleted (there's probably a better word) to a tunneling explosives company, he learned the only thing worse than the front lines was fighting below them.

That's not perfect, but it's much tighter and still gets across your main points. Good luck.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

You certainly tell us a lot in this logline. But I have to tell you this logline was so long that my attention was wandering by the middle of it. I agree you need to tell us pretty much everything you do but I wonder if there might be a way you could shorten it.

I think the story sounds feasible for a script even though it would not be of particular interest to me. I'm not 100% on the title but I suppose it works.

Good luck with it.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

title: has piqued my interest. I guess it will be about this corporal - this means it could be a war movie? A thriller? A drama?

story: A good and interesting set-up here.

craft: you write well and even though this is long it drew me in.

overall: even though this is long and kind of gives the first act and not much else of the story I am keen to have a look at the first ten pages.

**

Mohammad Nawaz (Level 4)

Sounds more like a biography than a logline. Unless you tell us this information by dialogue, then you've already wrote the first 20 pages of your script down here.

Remember, a logline should just tell you what the story is about.

At least I didn't spot any mistakes which is good.

Moldovan Alexandru (Level 3)

Corporal Hawkes(great name btw) isn't a brave man so I gather, and panicked while a counter attack. As a punishment he was sent under to dig some tunnels. Sounds quite good,if you make Hawkes a complex character and maybe some flashback from his life as he makes his way through the dirt I think it would turn out great.

Yep,looking forward to see what you make out of this idea.:)

Best of luck!

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Interesting idea, but the logline was a little bland. The first part read a bit like an entry in Wikipedia and lacked any real punch. Perhaps cutting all of the down to something like “A WWI soldier, accused of cowardice, is sent to work in mines, planting explosives under enemy trenches.” It says kind of the same thing without all of the messy encyclopedia stuff.

Your character sounds well-developed, but what is his ultimate goal? Is it to escape the mines, or to actually help win the war? And what is it that is standing in his way? Brutal guards that make his life hell, or are the enemies closing in? Since this is set during wartime, there is a clear understanding of the conflict going on AROUND him, but not much about what is going on WITH him.

Also, as others will no doubt have mentioned, if this is based on true events, then it should be noted. It makes it a little more marketable. Even if your character’s story never happened in real life, if there really was a battalion of miners burrowing under enemy trenches, that is enough to label it as “based on true events.” Fun phrase, “based on...” It’ll let you get away with a lot.

Finally, the last line is much more of a tagline. It’s clever, but might be better suited if were reworked to mention the major problem Stanley Hawkes faces throughout the majority of the story.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Aside from being overwritten, this is actually a pretty solid logline. Do wish you were more specific about the things he faces in the tunnels and the obstacles he comes across, but he has a pretty clear goal and the setting is clear enough.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This actually sounds like a fascinating historical tale. Like Das Boot or Windtalkers, it's smart to pic up on a small and underrepresented group of specialists. And you promise scenarios which cuold be grippingly clastrophobic as the protagonist is stuck underground with the troops marching above him.

Historical fiction, especially military fiction, can have a tendency to get overly detailed and long-winded; the logline doesn't help to dispel that notion. The entire concept can be summed up very quickly - World War I soldier in an underground bomb squad - and while the window dressing is important to establish your writing skills, right now, your style is showing as overly wordy. I don't want to slog through a screenplay where the military spec are treated with more details than the characters, and that's the overall effect of the logline. Ask yourself - how much of this logline is devoted to Hawkes, and how much is devoted to describing the war and the mine tunnelling company?

The last sentence is a bit of a tagline; though it's a good one, it doesn't add anything. Also, the correct spelling is "court martial".

Clean this up, and I bet you'd get a lot of people interested in the story.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is okay, although I wonder if it feels a bit like a book title rather than movie.

The concept sounds like it has great potential to be a powerful war movie story.

The logline feels a bit like a note card that might be under a picture in a museum. A good summary of what happened to the guy but I'm not sure it's the best way to get us excited about this story.

I'd suggest skipping over the details and going straight to the compelling part about tunneling under trenches. For example this could be "A disgraced World War I Corporal accused of cowardice is sent to lead a unit to tunnel beneath enemy trenches and learns the only thing worse than being on the front lines is being under them."

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Just has an epic feel to it and I like the presentation. As a suggestion, I'd drop the first few words and start with 'During World War I.' Possibly change 'sent to a mine tunneling company who job it was' to simply 'sentenced.' I really liked the message of your last sentence and I think it brings the weight of the film home. I think there's a great movie here but I fear the logline is a tad long. I hope you advance but definitely pursue this script.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

The wording of this logline is a mess. You can remove "In the summer of 1917" and start your line: "During one of the bloodiest periods of World War I...". That way you cut out some fat from this logline and get to the point quicker. You also don't have to mention Stanley's name as it adds nothing to your logline. I would also cut out "He was" and state, "Spared a court martial..." Little things in this logline add up. The story seems fine, but there is a lot of excess here that could have been trimmed up.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

PHENOMENAL! I want to read this, NOW! That last line was a clencher that just makes you want to know what happens beneath the lines. I would refrain from using the word FROZE because I immediately thought "cold weather" froze, instead of cowardice. BADASS!!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This looks amazingly well-researched and original though the title could be shortened a little.

But the essential plot of your story is going to focus on his tunneling exploits and the adventure he's going to have there.

Those are the details I would like to know more about. What are the worse events he experiences? Any other characters he'll interact with? How long would he do this or what impact would this have on the war?

This sounds a bit like "Dances with Wolves" but of course it isn't. I also don't know what would be the one main hook to your story in this age of films with modern warfare and technical wizardry.

What visual aspects would drive your emotional and action plot besides the setting?

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think this would be an interesting story. But the logline is vague and unclear to me.I am assuming this is a true story and I love movies about real people. I don't see what his motive is, what is his goal? What does he want? To redeem himself? Tell us what the goal is and what is stopping him from getting it.

The title is fine but make your protag strong in the logline. As it reads, things are happening to him, he's not making things happen.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Well, I'll be honest. This logline doesn't have a lot going for it if I'm going by how interesting it sounds. I do like the twist on the war movie by doing a perspective I haven't seen before but the trouble with the path you're taking is that I'm not able to picture very many interesting ways to take it.

The title is kind of bland and you don't go into any specifics about why being under the front lines is worse. Maybe if you mention he's claustrophobic or specific examples of how things go wrong, etc.

Another irritation I had was your (unintentional, I'm guessing) misspelling of court-martial. That's really something you'd want to get right if you're doing a war-type movie.

Fair.

Sridhar K. Nemani (Level 3)

-Very well defined log line.
-Built curiosity to a level that I wanna watch the movie right now.
-Good choice of genre.
-Built curiosity really well without giving away details in the log line.
-Sounds to be Worth being a feature of 90-minutes or more.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

This kind of sounds more like a documentary than a movie. It's full of facts and logic but nothing that grabs me from a dramatic and entertaining perspective. Based on this logline I would not want to read the script.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: A bit clunky, since we don't know what/were Messines Ridge is... and based on the logline, things happen in trenches and underground.

Logline: Far too long and with too much information. Of note, it's the summer, but you use the term "froze". I know what you mean... but froze is more often used in terms of the cold, not with a lack of action. It just seemed odd to me. I think you can probably get rid of almost the entire first sentence.

Here's a tighter version of the first sentence:

After refusing to fight in battle, a WWI British Corporal is sent to tunnel beneath enemy positions and plant explosives.

Your second sentence has to tell us what is at stake and how he will overcome his particular issue... cowardice.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This is very solid. I got nothin to critique here!.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

The title looks like something I would see on the History Channel.

Why did you tell me so many details? I was falling asleep in the middle and woke up to the cookie cutter "would learn that the only thing worse than..."

Historical? Yes, dramatic? Yes. I understand the genres, but why would I want to see this piece? Oh right, the fact that he would be blowing shit up from underground. The problem is, nobody is going to find that out if they get bored two sentences in. Shorten your logline or start with that enticing detail.

I'm give this a Fair, simply because I don't have any interest in this movie and it has too many details yet I still can tell what kind of a story you're going to be telling.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I love this. It all works for me and I'm intrigued by the story. I think the conflict and reversal is excellent and I'm a sucker for period pieces.

Wonderful, and I look forward to the first 10 pages.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I'm not too enthused about your title. It could be stronger. As for your logline, I find little to criticize in it. It is clearly written and you end with a final irony, or dilemma. If I were a studio reader and this was the sort of fim we wanted to do, I'd ask to read your script. Good work!

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Although a synopsis and not a one sentence logline, I'm there! I want to see this feature right now. So you absolutely have my attention. And since you can write one hell of a synopsis, I'm certain the script will be stellar.

I can't wait to read the screenplay!

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This reads more like a history text than a logline. It should tell what happens in the movie. I think a more typical format would be like "Accused of cowardice during World War I, Corporal Stanley Hawkes is sent to a mine tunneling company whose job it is to tunnel beneath enemy positions and plant explosives. Here, Corporal Hawkes learns that the only thing worse than being on the front lines is being under them." The premise of the movie itself sounds pretty good, though. I'm not crazy about the title, which seems a little unclear and not attractive. I'd like something like "Beneath Enemy Lines" or "Underground." Good luck.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

I like the idea, but the logline has to explain too much for it to be entirely effective. Also, loglines should always, always be written in the present tense.

Comments Made After the Contest