"Erase" by Pete Barry

Logline: A small-time anarchist puts on his best behavior to meet his fiancee’s parents – and ends up trying to stop the family’s sinister plot to brainwash everyone on the planet.

Genre: Comedy - SciFi - Thriller

Cast Size: 8

Production Status: Available (Please contact the author to negotiate the rights)

Contest: Feature ~ Round 1 of 3: Logline (Jan. 2012)

Contest Scores
PoorFairGoodVery GoodExcellent

Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Oh you (six letter expletive deleted)

This is stupid. Utter nonsense.

And dagnamit.... it works. It irritates the hell out of me... but it works. To the point it almost negates something I've said in other comments. This logline, vague as it is, will get producers to read it.

It's so..... stupid. Curse you to hell- VERY GOOD.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

This sounds really funny. I'm sorry if it's not a comedy, but I think it sounds hilarious. Like an action comedy. Maybe something like Hot Fuzz (if it's not, I guess you need to reword it, but if it is, yoou're done.)

The title is not doing much for me. It doesn't really say anything. Not horrible, butt doesn't want me to run out and see what this movie is about.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I don't know what's at stake for your MC...he's an anarchist, but only a small-time one, which diminishes his stance for me. Why small-time? Why does he care so much about impressing his future in-laws? And how did he get tied up with a family that wants everyone to think the same? Wouldn't he be attracted to the sinister aspect of it?

It's an interesting start...and I'd be interested in reading how it transpires. Best of luck in the competition, but if you don't make it through, write it anyhow!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

A small-time anarchist hahaha! As if anarchists are criminals :-) You are adding two conflicting conflicts: one is the anarchist who meets the parents of his fiancee and he has to try to get them to like him. That in itself is enough for a movie. Then he has to prevent them from brainwashing everyone on the planet. Effectively you just added something supernatural, and it is a different conflict entirely; saving the planet.

So Protagonist is clear; the smal-ltime anarchist. Antagonistic force is clear too; his fiancee's parents. But the goal? To get them to like him, or to prevent them from brainwashing every one in the world? If it is the last one, you don't have to make him an anarchist...

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

This could be interesting. Would like to have some clue how the family is planning that or what line of business they are in. Might be interesting if they were feds since the main character is an anarchist.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: Vague. Can imply any genre.

Story: A family that takes time to see their daughter married and take over the world. You have family values mixed with global domination. It's not a good fit.

Craft: Anarchist? What specifically makes him an anarchist?

Bill Sarre (Level 5)

Title - crisp, clear and grabs attention, now what is it? best guess is either sci fi or a detective story about evidence, lets see..

Protagonist - small time anarchist

Antagonist - Dodgy family

Genre - good question it could be comedy, could be thriller - to be honest i don't know. best guess comedy.

Other - Tight writing, good combination of character and situation, high stakes.

Genrally sound work except for i dont know what type of story it will be. i think you had a few more words to play with, currently 30, so that may have helped.

hope it gets through

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Catchy title, links up well with the actual logline.

Didn't like the '- and', would have read better with a simple 'but'.

Byron Matthews (Level 5)

Title -- I like the title. It doesn't really jump out at me, but it seems to flow within the theme of your story.

Story -- As for you story, it is another "meet the parents" type of flick which has been done over and over, but I like the premise of yours. It's a new twist, so kudos to you. I can sense a lot of irony in this plot. I guy pretending to be something he's not so he can impress her family but he's stuck with a bigger dilemna. There's much to like in this one.

Craft -- There's a lot of comedic potential in this one. I'm not too sure about the hypen; why not use a comma, semicolon, or start a new sentence. Other than that grammar and spelling are good. I like the idea and I would probably read it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Great title, great logline, an excellent from me!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Cool title.

I really like the juxtaposition of those two phrases - it's fun. The setup works great. However, I'm having trouble picturing that second part. How are they brainwashing the planet and what are they trying to convince the planet of? I think we need to know a bit more for this logline to have a strong impact and hook.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

A really good logline that exhibits all the desired elements. Not sure what why the "small time" adjective is necessary. Also, seems like the title could be improved.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

This logline is crafted well. Two opposing forces, future son in law and fiancee's parents. Title fits the logline. Even though it is presented as an interesting situation, the premise seems a little far fetched.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Sounds like it could offer a lot crazy fun. But once again, I need to know more, especially when the concept is this far-out. You need to tell me how you plan on pulling this off by giving me more specifics on the story.

Claire Fishman (Level 3)

The title is nice. Kind of generic, but I don't mind.

The logline is great. Very well written, with a memorable character, and an overarching plot. I totally get a feel for the movie, and I love your story. My only real problem is the part "ends up trying to stop". Too passive. Perhaps if you reword it as "and ends up needing to stop", it sounds much more dire for the protagonist, and feels more like an actual conflict.

Great job. Looking forward to reading this one.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

And her family revealed all of that at get-together dinner? Sorry, but there's too much of a disconnect here and/or you're not telling me enough. Is the whole family including his fiancee involved in this plot to brainwash the whole world? Then why not brainwash him first and eliminate his attempt to stop them? On something this broad (how many billion people live in the world?), you've got to answer some how and why questions. We need a hint of the mechanism (how) they will use to do the brainwashing and more importantly, why they would want to. Without a little more information this is kind of a hard sell, in my opinion.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

David Birch (Level 5)

good title...really compliments the story's premise...i see two missing components: first, where's the "page 10" event that kick-starts your story into motion...why is important for him to meet the parents?...but the bigger questions is, what is the motivating factor that compels the parents to want to "brainwash" everyone on the planet?...who's POV will the story be told through?...seems like the key player here is the fiance...she's dating an anarchist and here parents are plotting to brainwash the entire planet...the dramatic conflict lies with her...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Good title, it catches my attention. I like the story in the logline. I think the story is going one way then it twists with the second half of the logline. I think the logline still could be tightened a bit even though it’s already quite short. I could delete “puts” and change “to meet” to “meets” and have the first half read essentially the same. Still, I like the concept of the plot.

David M Troop (Level 5)

Okay, but not very descriptive. Sometimes one word titles work best. Not sure of genre.
Does this story take place at Fox News? Kind of a cross between Meet the Parents and The O'Reilly Factor. Is the fiancee also involved in the fiendish plot, or is she clueless?
The protags and antags are good. Maybe it would be better if the boyfriend was an undercover FBI agent trying to infiltrate the family through the daughter. You could keep this a secret from the audience until Act 2.
Original? Yes.
Interesting? Yes, if you come up with a good brainwashing method or device.
The journey is good.
Your style is good, simple, to the point. However, the first part and the second part of the logline sound like they're from two different movies.
Spelling is good. Grammar - not sure you need the hyphen.

Denise Jewell (Level 5)

Title: Good. I like for the title to connect to the story in a meaningful way, and this does, however, I suspect that with more time you might come up with an even better one.

Story: Very good. It's got great character arc and conflict all over it.

Craft: Very good. You might add a little more information, because I suspect I might be seeing things that might not be there. But you've stated your story succinctly and got me interested.

Dusty Fincher (Level 4)

I have a little issue with the title, as it's hard to tell by the logline what the title means. However, I do like the logline. I like the idea of someone who might not be the most upstanding of citizens trying to be good only to find out the people he's putting the act on for are far worse than he ever could be. Very nice logline, but I would say that it's hard to tell if the genre for this is serious or comedic. Right now I lean towards it being a bit on the comedic side, but perhaps a flourish or two in a rewrite would clear that up a bit better. Other than that, very fine work as far as I'm concerned.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Great title. One small suggestion otherwise this is a great logline. It earned an EXCELLENT from me. My "small suggestion" is to remove a few words. If you do this, the resulting logline would be: “A small-time anarchist puts on his best behavior to meet his fiancee’s parents, and ends up stopping the family from brainwashing everyone on the planet.” Good luck with the screenplay.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Not sure what ERASE means in the context of your storyline. Is your script intended as a Scifi drama, a comedy? I'm trying to imagine your logline as an animation along the lines of Despicable Me? You may want a title that suggests the nature of your script.
I guess I've having a hard timing trying to understand how someone "brainwashes everyone on the planet"? What does that mean, to what purpose? World domination? I'd describe your premise a little more clearly. Good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The title doesn't say comedy but the logline does. Tune the title please, it might be the piece that brings this together.

The story is clear, comedic and concise. A few words can be tweaked.


=== A lifelong anarchist meets his fiancee's ultra-normal family and not a disturbing word until they ask him to help with their plot to brainwash everyone. (optional) The anarchist in him says hell yes until he realizes he'd be like everyone else.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is a very good choice. The logline is also very good. It is "to the point" yet gives a seemingly complete overview of the story. I would suggest using the main character's name.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The family can brainwash the entire planet? How would that happen. What is a small time anarchist? I get the sense of how this story will be but these concepts are a little to loose for me to really know for sure and so it is harder for me to rate above good. I like a character being an anarchist and going on some kind of adventure, but not sure the rest of the story. Your logline is very well written. I don't have any feedback on that.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

HA! Love it. I'm curious to see how we're going to sympathize for a an anarchist, so that's why I definitely want to read this.

I think you told us just enough to grab us.

I hope it's good.

Jeroen Bouva (Level 3)

You've done well in describing the basic story in few words while maintaining a good flow in your logline. I think you've succeeded partly in making the reader aware of the genre. I say partly because I'm simply not 100% convinced I'm interpreting this correctly. The logline seems to be telling me this will be a relatively lighthearted execution of a somewhat dark story.

You've given us some character of the protagonist, but to be honest I'm not quite sure with this logline how these particular character traits or changing those character traits will interact with the story. Also I don't have much idea about the antagonist(s) in your story.

The title is okay. It's seems clear to me where the title came from, but on it's own it feels a bit too generic to sparkle much interest at first sight.

Jo Gates (Level 4)

I like the core idea, and I can picture the story unfolding, I imagine as a fun action drama. Some of the phrasing feels clunky in the logline: "puts on his best behavior" and "ends up." It's clear who the protagonist is and what he's battling.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Wow. It's log lines like this one that make me feel sorry for the readers around the world. You start it off going in one direction and then take us somewhere completely different for no reason at all.

Keith Yount (Level 2)

Needs more info about who he is and his fiancee's family. Why is he an anarchist? What are they going to achieve when they brain wash everyone? There are lots of questions but not enough answers. The title does not match what the family wants to do, Erase and brainwash are to different things.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

While structurally it is good, I think you're missing some ingredients here. And maybe you do not but I do want to know what the brainwashing is about. Without it, your logline is not complete - and this is pertinent to the story. At least it looks like an important part of the story.
I don't like the word "planet" here - the plot seems to revolve around a family and the word "planet" is a bit sudden for me in this sort of contest.
The title sound comedic for some reason, makes me think I don't see the genre clearly. Still it's a good logline, I think. I know what's going on in your movie and that's what matters, I think.

Kim M Brantley (Level 3)

I like the title although I don't feel it sets up the logline. The genre is not clear in the title or the logline.

The conflict and tension are set up well. A guy wants to make a good impression on his fiancee's parents but finds out that they are dangerous psychos. It's a case of the wrong guy inadvertently in the right place at the right time.

Although it's impossible, and unwise, to reveal the entire story in a logline, you need to share enough details with the audience/reader so they will understand what is going on.

Kirk White (Level 5)

man...I can see the potential boiling under the surface on this one....I just don't quite see it delivered in the logline. I have a hard time detecting the tone: it feels like a comedy but I'm not 100% sure.

Kisha King (Level 4)

The title is fitting.
The story is good I wish there was something more compelling to the story.

I know alot of people say there should only be one sentence for a logline but to me sometimes you may need two or three in order to get your story out the right way.

I am not sure about the genre it seems like it could be a comedy.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a drama, with a hint of science-fiction. Maybe some comedy too? Perhaps it's animated.
The logline is written well; it's concise and all in a single line. Envision all sorts of interesting directions this story could go.
No hint about the anarchist's agenda. Does he condone rebellion in all aspects of his life? Wonder about the success his fiancee's family anticipates with their brain-washing plot, especially considering they want to affect "everyone on the planet." A rather grand plan...
The title is terrific -- catchy and memorable.
Love the original idea and looking forward to reading the first ten pages.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

If the protagonist is an anarchist, why does he care that his fiancee's family wants to brainwash everyone? I'd imagine that he'd love being in on the joke. He's already an anarchist, so why not be on the ground floor of a whole new power structure? It's not like most anarchists just love individual people so much that they want individual liberty and freedom for all: their hatred of government trumps their respect for the individual (that's why they're willing to kill people who work for government).

If I've misunderstood, then maybe the motivations of the anarchist and the fiancee's family aren't spelled out well enough in the logline.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This is really out there and vague. You use several words to describe the guy but no adjectives to describe the family that wants to brainwash everyone. I think if we had an idea who these people were that had the ability to actually brainwash everyone on the planet, the idea might not seem so out there. Are they aliens? Are they scientists? Are they evangelists? Give us a clue or it just sounds unbelievable.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This sounds like a funny idea, and it's a really compact logline. The protagonist and antagonist are there, the stakes (brainwashing the planet) are there, and the obstacles are strongly implied (the fact that he's fighting against his fiancée's parents). Maybe including why they want to brainwash everyone on the planet, setting up an ideological conflict with the anarchist, would help.


Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Its really seems great!
I like your hero,
And story seems great!

Tittle could be something better...
Its good now,but you could find better than this,
Nothing more to say!
I will read your script soon!

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I like the title.

You've put together an interesting group of characters and some conflicting goals. You're off to a good start.

This is an interesting concept. Obviously you would think the anarchist would be in favor of the family's plan, so I'm curious how the family's goal goes against his beliefs.

I think you intention is for more of a thriller (or sci-fi thriller) though I could also see this as a comedy.

I think this will score well. Good luck.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I am on the fence with this logline. I think what is shown is interesting, but I think I need more to help me understand the actual dynamics of what is going to be going on in the story. As is, I don't see any reason for the the main character to be an anarchist. How are his fiancee's parents in the position to carry out this sinister plot? They are either spies, or they are scientists with even a more radical anarchistic bent. That difference is huge in relationship to the story. The latter would at least explain why the main character is an anarchist. It would be interesting to see how his views about anarchy may not be as serious as he thinks when they are matched up against his fiancee's parents.
The title is good. I think it could have a little more punch to it though.
I gave a good because I think I would like to read this if the setup is a good one. The first ten pages will be critical to set up the story in more detail.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Title: Seems like a sci-fi, twilight zone type thing.

Genre: sci-fi

Protag: anarchist

Antag: parents

Goal: foil the sinister plot

Obstacle(s): ?

Overall: This is pretty good, but it seems a bit too vague to me. I think you have room to add some specifics and still keep it pretty tight.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

The title is ok, makes me think of erasing memories which maybe fits with the logline - not too sure.

The logline doesn't thrill me, I get no real sense of genre, it's written quite flippantly so could be a comedy; it certainly doesn't come over as a serious action type or thriller movie.

hero = small time anarchist - ineresting character, I'm intrigued to know what a small time anarchist is like to hang out with.

goal = stop sinister plot to brainwash planet - what is the plot? Brainwash them to what? A bit vague really.

obstacles = none that I can see. His fiancee maybe.

As the obstacles aren't clear the story doesn't feel particularly exciting.

Some more details about the family might also help, just one adjective such as hypnotherapist parents or radical parents - just another clue as to what this might be about.

Based on this logline I would not be interested in looking at the first ten pages.

Mohammad Nawaz (Level 4)

Nicely done.

This comes off as a comedy but if not, I think you would need to tweak it a little. The title makes me think this isn't one though? It makes it sound like a thriller but it could have some funny explanation to it.

Overall, a solid effort. Very good from me.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

While I think the story is somewhat interesting, I’m not finding a lot in the logline that explains, well, anything.

For starters, I can’t understand why an anarchist would want to stop the “sinister plan.” Wouldn’t that cause the anarchy he believes in, or is your anarchist one of the misguided souls that just thinks that “anarchy” is a simple lack of governing rules? And what are his motives for stopping the plan? Does he have a change of heart, or is he actually acting for the good of humanity, or, possibly, he’s jealous that their plan gets in the way of his? I don’t know, but I really need to. Your character’s motivations are what drive him through the story. I know who he is, and what he wants, but not why he wants it. It wouldn't be hard to give him some character in the logline that relates to his motives. You do a good job on introducing the ticking clock, though.

Another thing to consider is the fiancée. Is she in on her family’s plan? Again, this could be a catalyst to your anarchist’s motivations to stop their plan. He just wants his girlfriend back.

You’ve got a good premise, but as for a logline, it kind of lacks in all the wrong places. Remember, your goal is to get me to want to read your script based on what you’ve written. I need to know character + want/goal + action + opposition. There is an idea of some of these things mentioned, but they aren’t really strong enough to be considered definitive or concise enough to rationally move your character through the story.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Hahaha so random again, it doesn't seem connected at all. And to entice more people you should be more specific about that plot or their motivations.

Just seems oddly connected right now. Least I get a good impression of the film.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is fine, although I'm not sure it makes me think about an action comedy, which seems to be the logline genre.

The story concept sounds good to me. It has a contained aspect while also having a wider scope to the stakes.

The logline is pretty tight and has a nice element of irony about it.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Although “Erase” is a good title for this logline, the title is too generic. Try adding something with “Erase,” to make this stronger.

The inciting incident is the anarchist putting on his best behavior. Unfortunately, the setup does not give me an image of what the Set Up is. If you can tell us what behavior he must do to meet his fiancée’s parents, then the story premise might be stronger.

I have a sense that the anarchist, a man who doesn’t believe in government regulation, is the protagonist of the story.

His main goal is to stop his family from brainwashing everyone on the planet. I find it hard to see the picture of brainwashing something. I think you need to show what the family’s plan to brainwash people is.

The antagonistic force of the screenplay is unclear, but the antagonist is the family plotting to brainwash everyone on the planet. If he already meets his family, that obstacle is accomplished early on in the screenplay, so it cannot be the antagonistic force of the screenplay, since he has already accomplished that. If you tell us, how he struggles to meet his family, then that would strengthen the logline.

The protagonist does not cause the family become villains of the world, so it makes the dramatic premise of the logline weak, though it does not affect the overall quality of the logline.

We know that if he does not complete his goal, the family will destroy the planet.

The logline is not that original, and I probably saw a movie like this a million times. This appears to be a science fiction story, with no grammatical errors, though the choice of words does not give us the style of a science fiction movie.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I didn't think there were small-time anarchist by nature. I didn't like the over-reaching 'sinister plot' part. Communicating with everyone on the planet is too broad and would encompass too much for a film. I think reducing the plot to an interaction among the man, woman and her family presents enough conflict but I think more than just a wedding is needed for a resolution. I needed more here.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

What exactly is a small-time anarchist? Just curious. Anyway, you seem like you have a decent idea here, though brainwashing everyone across the planet might be a tough order. Seems like a bit of a corny plot, but I can go along with it as long as the writing is well. Speaking of the writing, I don't really see any major issues with this logline. Overall, I feel this is a good logline and am curious how you handle this idea.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

You give me the who and the what, but leave out the important why?

What's in it for him? Is he the first one for the attempted brainwash? Being an anarchist he too would think of aiding them instead of stopping them, especially if they're going to be his future family?

This reads as two separate plots, one involving him trying to impress his future in-laws and the other trying to stop them from brainwashing the planet. As such it feels a bit contradictory because you don't provide much details about the family.

How sinister are they, what is the level of threat? Will they do everything in their power to stop him, how evil are they?

As for the title, we had Arnie's "Eraser" so this might be confused for a sci-fi film or action and it would work better if you hint at the comedic tone, which I hope this is.

It's a good premise but lacks key details.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Why not make the title Brainwashing. Because Erase doesn't seem to fit.

I always have a problem with stories that have someone trying to take on the whole planet. It's just too large of a concept to me. Why not have them trying to brainwash their small village or something a little more believable? Why is the family trying to brainwash the people on the planet? What is their goal, what do they want them to believe?

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Ah, I see. This is one of those "suspend your disbelief" loglines. That's cool. I can do that.

I've got to admit that this idea's not pulling me in so much. Somewhere between the anarchist and the global brainwashing plot. You've got it worded mostly fine, but I'd figure that this would be a good logline to have specific details about the potential wackiness in the second act.

And, speaking of that, I can't actually tell which genre you're going for on this one. It could range anywhere from slapstick comedy to a dark horror/psychologlical thriller. Personally, if you move on (which I suspect you will), I think going the latter route would be a really cool way to take this.


T. James DeStein (Level 5)

Isn't anarchy in itself a rather large scale ideal? Whatever. Sounds like a fun story.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Like it.

Logline: Pretty damn good. Not sure what a "small-time anarchist" is, but I don't care. This is excellent.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

I feel like the title is missing something. I normally like one word titles but this one seems off. Maybe if it was in the past tense it would work.

Does "small-time anarchist" mean protestor? If he's a protestor, just say it. Don't beat around the bush.

You shouldn't use dashes like that (in between parents and and) because it takes away from the sentence.

"ends up trying to" should just be "tries". Also, the word "and" should be "but" because the second statement is in opposition to the first statement. He tries to impress them but discovers their sinister plot. Since "but" statements deal with the same people, the "and" should be a "but".

Is it just me, or is this a bit campy? It sounds like a comedy, but not a very good one. I know it can't be a family movie because the main character is an anarchist.

I'm also not exactly sure what you are going for with this conflict. I understand the conflict, but it seems so black-and-white. Straightforward moralities are fine, but you have a main character that is clearly in a gray area going up against the people wearing clothes with "evil" written all over it. It's almost as if you didn't have faith in your anti-hero main character, so you had to make the antagonists very evil. The audience can figure things out for themselves. You don't have to point giant arrows for us.

Overall, I feel like the conflict is clear but the tone and the direction the story is heading in feels all wrong. There are some grammatical errors, but the main flaw I keep on having with this is the sporadic nature of the story. Is it supposed to be gritty with an anarchist main character or is it supposed to be campy with the evil mastermind characters trying to take over the world? I don't want to read this screenplay because it seems like it's going in too many directions so I therefore can't give it anything more than a Fair.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I think this logline can be excellent - and I think what would make it excellent is if you shared the brainwashing: "A small-time anarchist puts on his best behavior to meet his fiancee’s parents – and ends up trying to stop the family’s sinister plot to brainwash everyone on the planet into believing..." possibly something in direct conflict with the small-time anarchist believes.

Love the title and feel that by sharing the plot you thereby not only increase the level of interest but could also show the reversal and additional conflict.

I look forward to the first ten pages, good luck.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I question the value of your title. I can't sense how it relates to the content of your logline. As for the logline, it is vague and much too terse. There is little to get hold of in it. Beneath the vagueness may be an exciting story, but you need to get it out so we can see the conflict. What is this plot "to brainwash everyone on the planet"? For what reason? What is the danger?

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Sounds like a mad scientist B-movie with a political agenda. What do you mean by "small-time anarchist"? That's extremely confusing. It's as if he practices being rebellious against the status quo on occasion, or he could be something as extreme as a lone terrorist. Make this clear.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This is short and pretty clear. I'm not entirely sure what a "small-time anarchist" is, but other than that this seems very good. I like the premise, too, and the logline does its job in making me want to read the script. Good job.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

Finace is spelt wrong.

Is the fiance in on the plot? That's unclear.

I'm kind of lost as to why the family wants to brainwash everyone and how they're going to do it. Maybe I'm reading this as a drama when it's supposed to be a comedy, but the tone of the piece isn't coming through at all.

Other than the misspelling, the grammar looks good. I'd just like a bit more information -- content- and context-wise.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2012 2:08 AM

A VG from me. All sorts of interesting material here.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2012 10:47 AM

Sorry not to see you and Brian in the top 30!

Alex Hollister (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 2:29 PM

I VG'ed this as well. And only gave 12 of them. It's stupid... but the logline works. Without conveying everything it should, it still conveys enough. Absolutely keep going with this. Anarchist saves the world from Fiancee's brainwashing parents.

Insane... and could well be great!

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2012 8:38 PM

Thanks for all the helpful comments, everyone - I hope I returned the favors in kind, as I was a bit under the gun this month to get those reviews in. There are definitely patterns in people's reactions that I can use to shore this one up.

Beyond that, I'll just say: Tim Westland! There can be only one!

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Caroline Coxon