Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

You know what? It's not the best format for a logline, but it does get across all the key elements. Even if it does need more focus from the POV of our protag.

I kind of like the title being their location. I'm a sucker for dytopian or future imperfect stories. Even more so for World War III takes.

And I find myself wanting to read it- Ugh! Nothing that original. But it could be damn cool- VERY GOOD.

Alex Mitchell (Level 3)

I've always enjoyed the whole idea of guerilla warfare on American soil being used as a movie premise. You don't see it often and it's a shame so I applaud you on that. However that's also where you run into a problem. Because there are so few movies out there with this same idea, you want to make something that really stands out. And you're movie sounds just like Red Dawn. I may be wrong, being that I haven't read the actual script. Who knows. Maybe it's completely different. But just have that in mind when you're writing this. Try to keep it as far away as possible from Red Dawn, especially since they're remaking Red Dawn and you don't want to appear as just copying the movie. The title also might want to be changed. It doesn't sound all that "enticing" or "exciting." It's also commonly used by teenagers as a name for people with Down Syndrome. Just thought I put it out there.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

This definitely has summer blockbuster written all over it. I think the only quibble I can come up with, is make it "the near future" instead of 2020. 2020 will come and go but the near future is always a mystery. prevents your movie from becoming dated in eight years.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

American hero to the rescue! :-)

Protagonist: Retired colonel Hugh Jeffries. Antagonistic force: enemy troops. Goal: to win WWIII.

I think it is a good logline, I can see the movie you want to make. I can imagine lots of scenes, events and plots. It has that "Armageddon" feel to it, a movie I love.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: Unique. Could be any genre.

Story: I have one concern: the US would never leave itself defenseless during a war. This makes your setup implausible.

Why would the enemy allow such a request of the President? To spur the country to fight back?

Craft: No need to mention "A.D."

Several grammar errors such as capitalizing "Enemy", "Overrun" is one word, and a comma after "Retired Colonel".

Remove the last sentence.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Title - Locations don't really work for me because they don't tell me anything other that something will or did happen there, so best guess is a drama, lets see...

protagonist - retired colonel

antagonist - enemy troops

genre -action

other - sorry but too long, over written and yet little in terms of personal stakes.

needs to be shorter, crisp and find unique angle on the story

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

I guess the title says it all really.

The premise was good and would probably make an interesting read but the logline itself was a little too complicated.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

The title doesn't grab me much, by itself, but after reading the logline it takes on more intrigue.

The logline has a lot of sentences. You could probably combine some of these and maybe even cut some of the ideas out, but overall you have my interest. That is what the logline is all about, isn't it. If I were to play the role of producer looking for scripts to produce, I would request this script right away. Nice job.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Title -- I don't really like the title. It does along with your story, but I think you could come up with something stronger.

Story -- I'm not really clear if WWIII has started or it's on the brink of starting? Because if the enemy has invaded the U.S.; I would assume that would be the beginning of a war.

Craft -- This actually sounds like a great idea, but in terms of a logline, this isn't a good one. You list the names of your main character as well as a supporting character which is a no-non in my book. You have some sentences that I feel I are unnecessary for a logline.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It seems strange to use Ave in the title.

Just looking at the logline makes my head swim, even before I start reading it. All those numbers and initials!

You use the passive voice - 'resources are depleted' and 'is pulled'. Immediate loss of impact.

Simply naming characters tells us nothing about them.

I think there might be an exciting story in here somewhere but at the moment it's hiding behind a glut of unnecessary detail.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This reminds me a little of "Red Dawn" and the idea of american citizens having to fight for their country in their own country. That part is intriguing. What I'm having trouble getting past is that we have troops overseas while there is a battle at home - that is a hard premise to buy into. Still, I really like the idea of this fight on this street and I think if you can focus on that, this could be really good.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

Very cool. This could be a really epic type of action movie! What is this enemy that has invaded? Who are they? I like how the President's name is similar to Washington and I would love to read it for sure!

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

I like the way you present this, it almost reads like a newspaper article at times. And I smirked at President Westington. However, there is a gap here that leaves me bewildered. Initially you speak of invading the US and WWIII and so forth, but then you talk of fighting over a single street. I am left confused regarding how big a deal this really is, and what is the significance of this street.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This seems to be a little too long and a little too vague. For example, "enemy troops", can't we narrow it down a little more than that? Those troops have to come from somewhere. The other problem for me is, why is a colonel, in this desperate times leading the troops on one street? Wouldn't it be better if he were commanding a larger area? That's just an opinion thing.

There's a lot I like about this, but I think the logline needs a little more polish.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

David Birch (Level 5)

a little to "detail-ey" which makes it read more like a synopsis than a logline...starting off with the AD...we're pretty sure that the invasion can't happen in 2020 BC, so we'll assume that when you say 2020, it's going to be AD...next "enemy" troops...okay, give us some indication of WHO the enemy is?...Russia, China, North Korea?...the premise seems a little convoluted without any further clarification...answer the big questions first before filling in details that really don't add to the story (names, dates)...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Title is simple and straight forward. I think this logline is a bit too complex and complicated. Even some of the grammar strikes me as odd or may not quite formulated in a clear and precise way. Commas, for instance, show up where they are not needed but are missing where they should have been. the order of information seems overly complicated too. It’s not my logline but I’d start more simply with “With US troops overseas preventing World War II, enemy troops invade US soil.” Not perfect by any means, but I think it sets up the conflict with few words and complication. The main story too, I think, is in the fight for Downey Avenue and it takes a long time to get through the logline to find that out.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Title:
Good. I'm sure people will know Ave means avenue. Downey Avenue isn't a bad title.
Did Downey Ave seem cooler to you?
Tagline: What would you do to defend your country?
Story:
This is the movie that all Republicans, rednecks, Bible belters, and NRA members have been waiting for! "See, I told ya this would happen!"
If you really want to capitalize on the full impact of your premise, use two or three different states where fighting is going on simultaneously. That way you can have rednecks fighting in Virginia, white supremists in Nebraska, and a multi-racial army and gang members fighting in New York City.
Please don't take this as sarcasm. I truly believe 99% of America wants to see this movie. Especially if we are fighting an army of terrorists. After 911, I think all Americans secretly or verbally felt "Oh, if only I had a gun, I would go over there and..."
Original?
Yes. This is also a cleverly disguised zombie movie. American civilians picking off the approaching enemy fighting for their survival and litterally defending their country.
Also, a hint of Red Dawn.
Interesting?
Only to all Americans and their allies. Which is pretty good. I'm sure this will not be very PC, but you know, a lot of people have had it with PC. O'Reilly and Fox News would probably make you a hero. Be careful not to be too anti-muslim. Be more anti-terrorism.
Craft:
Not a typical logline, but not a synopsis either. Letting you slide because I really want to read this.
Spelling and grammar are good.
This should get through easily. Maybe even place.
EXCELLENT

David Serra (Level 4)

If you compressed this information into one sentance somehow then I think this would be a great war drama. You seem to have everything in order and hopefully know where to go with this idea.

Good Luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Very good.

Story: Very good. I love the idea of creating this small world within the huge atrocity happening to focus on. And having a retired colonel, and inexperienced "troops" provides so much potential for conflict.

Craft: You will have people tell you this is too wordy, and you could tighten up what you have here.

I want to read this.

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

I like the title as it pertains to your story. I'm not sure about the logline. It feels a little long, as if maybe there's too much info, yet I still don't know exactly what is going on here. I think with a little bit of tightening up and condensing, you'd have a really good logline with a neat storyline here. I tell you what though, you have me interested in your script, so I guess you did your job in that department.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

You will probably hear this from other reviewers, but it is not necessary to name characters in a logline. Also, I believe that "over run" should be one word: overrun. Make sure you review your logline to remove redundancy. For example, "non-military" is not needed in front of the word "civilians" (Civilians ARE non-military and everyone know this so it is redundant to mention it). I believe this logline needs trimming. Consider instead: A retired colonel leads civilians in an effort to take back their country and prevent World War III. The title "Downey Avenue" does not entice me to see the movie. Good luck with the screenplay.

Felipe D. Machado (Level 4)

The title feels a little small for a movie of this size. Maybe you just need a more All-American sounding street name.

This is a cool idea. Very American. I just want to point out though, If the United States is being invaded, it already is World War 3. There's not avoiding it... haha.

You don't need character names in the logline. In fact, you're better off without it. Instead, you should describe them in a few words (hardened detective, hooker with a heart of gold, RETIRED COLONEL, etc...).

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Downey Ave may be a good working title. But in itself has no easily recognizable meaning. The same goes for "President Westington", "Retired Colonel Hugh Jeffries". These'names, lacking meaning or a point of reference just sit on the page taking up space that might be better spent in manipulating your reader to take interest in your script.

However, I genuinely like your storyline. Fighting for the survival, fighting for your way of life, fighting for your family - these are all GREAT themes that promise action positively dripping off the page. I just think you'd have more success engaging interest using fewer, carefully chosen words. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Title doesn't give us a clue as to content. Avenue not Ave.

The story calls to the patriot in everyone. The log paints a grim picture for us of odds stacked against the home team. A straight ahead shoot 'em up and not much else.

Please don't name your characters in logs spend that space on a description. If you say WWW III, we know it's the near future. What does a military civilian vs. a non-military civilian look like?

Get to the story quicker.

GOOD.

=== A retired military man prepares his neighbors on Downey Avenue for the first enemy soldiers on US soil...

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is okay but it doesn't tell us anything about the story or even the genre. The logline is good but a bit long. Also, a comma after "request" would make this read a little better. The story is interesting.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The logline is written well. This is an updated red dawn? How will saving one street matter when the entire county is being overrun, though. I was looking for how this ties into the larger picture.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Too much. Just tell us about a retired Colonel has to lead his neighbors into battle when the United States in invaded my enemy troops and the president (something about allowing the citizens to fight) That's much more simpler. There's just way too many unnecessary details in your logline.

Jo Gates (Level 3)

This tells the setup, and the last sentence hints at action. The tone and subject imply a revised "Red Dawn" small band-against-enemy army action flick. It has the elements, and could be a solid story in that genre. The logline's a bit long and stumbles in places from phrasing issues ("pulled into leading a group" tripped me up; the meaning is clear but it could be more succinct).

Grammar: "overrun"; no comma after "Colonel" before the name; all civilians are non-military.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

I'm a fan of near future invading of the U.S stories, but this one sounds like it's missing something. I'm not a fan of the name Westington and I don't like the narrow scope of the story.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's an interesting concept. However, I'd prefer to read about people, their struggle and conflict as opposed to be given dry facts on what is going to happen in 2020. If it's about Hugh Jeffries, maybe you could start with him.

I'd also stay away from exclamation marks in the logline especially when the genre is far from silly or any kind of comedic.

Kim M Brantley (Level 3)

The title does the logline and story a disservice. Although I imagine it is a fictional location, it does not as a standalone ring a bell in the public's mind, such as 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, the address of the White House. Try coming up with a more compelling title.

It's always good to start the logline by introducing the protagonist, so the audience/reader knows from the outset if the story has a hero they are able to identify with.

Almost at the end of the logline you reveal that the protagonist is a retired colonel, which means that he's probably in his sixties or seventies.

Although the genre is not clear, this can't possibly be an action film with a protagonist that age. I imagine it's a thriller, but try to make the genre clearer.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Mercy, it's Red Dawn! I like the premise of this, but need to see something UNIQUE in your telling that is going to separate this from the others that came before...

Kisha King (Level 4)

I like the title
The logline long I think you could combine some of these
sentences to make two or three exciting and thrilling statements.
It reads a little stale but I can tell the tone should be tuned up a little more.
Example at the end "this is their fight." Seems a little flat but if it ended with
something like "they have to take back they country in order to prevent WWIII."
Maybe you should leave WWIII for a finishing touch of excitement for the reeader.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be action-thriller.
Can easily envision lots of stuff blowing up on the screen. There's a clear hero in Colonel Jeffries (terrific character name), and the variety of potential character-types on Downey Ave could make this movie riveting.
The logline needs some trimming. While it's okay to include the Colonel and the President's actual names, it's unnecessary since "a colonel" and "the president" likely would be sufficient. "This is their fight!" is enthusiastic but, again, the extra words don't contribute more than what's already clearly stated.
Could use some tweaking here and there, but will give a score better than "good" because, despite the logline's length, story is everything and this story with the terrific title would be really entertaining.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"over run" should be "overrun"

This could be a really cool movie. Near future urban warfare between American civilians and foreign troops. Good concept. Easily imaginable action and stakes. Be careful on the spelling.

President Westington? I'd encourage you to change that name. Too obviously close to Washington, and likely to make the read confusing (especially if you ever reference "President Westington from Washington, D.C.").

Very Good.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

You have six sentences here:

1. 2020 A.D.
2. Enemy troops invade U.S. soil and over run the White House.
3. Resources are depleted stateside with U.S. troops overseas preventing World War III.
4. As his last request President Westington challenges all citizens to take back the country.
5. Retired Colonel, Hugh Jeffries, is pulled into leading a group of non-military civilians to protect his friends, neighbors and family on Downey Ave.
6. This is their fight!

1. You don't need the date. The reader will get that it isn't present day.

2. "Over run" is one word - overrun. "Enemy troops" is a pretty broad stroke for identifying the antagonist.

3. This sentence seems stuck in here. The previous sentence tells us the US is being invaded and the White House has been taken. The following sentence takes us back to the White House. You might want to move the idea sentence number 3 introduces to the beginning of the logline.

4. You introduce the president by name. Is he going to be a major part of the overall story, or part of the background story? Naming tells me it's the former, but I can't imagine him showing up at Downey Avenue.

5. "Non-military" and "civilians" basically mean the same thing. Drop one or the other.

6. This sentence isn't necessary.

In general, don't introduce characters by name unless you have a good reason to do so.

The idea here is stellar. The logline is a bit disorganized, though, and contains unnecessary information.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You've told us a lot but not enough of it is specific. For example, "enemy troops". From what country? The USA has never really faced invasion before, so just saying that the White House is over run doesn't give us enough of an idea.

This also means it takes a while to get to our protagonist, who ideally you want as close to the start of the logline as possible. It's not President Westington, so you don't need to name him. Always be looking for ways to save space.

This might be nitpicking but I'm also not seeing how saying it's the very near future setting changes much. If you say that World War III is starting, I think most people would assume it.

"This is their fight!"
This doesn't give us story information, but it does suggest an extremely cheesy trailer or poster tagline for an action movie.

I like the idea of militias taking back the country in the face of invasion, but there needs to be a stronger indication of the story in this logline.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I like the title and it's easily tied into the story.

I.m not sure where you're really headed with this. As I was reading the entry, I thought I had a good idea how the movie would play out...until I got to the part about your main character and this war to take back America being fought on a few blocks of some city street.

The date is completely irrelevant in my opinion. It's not far enough in the distance to be considered something that takes place in the future. If it's not critical to getting your main story line across, leave it out.

"Over run" should be "overrun". "Non-military civilians" is redundant.

So you spend a lot of time setting up the scene but you don't give us any information about your main character other than he's a retired colonel. Something that I don't think you intended to do was suggest that the President is doomed when you wrote "as his last request". That makes it seem like he gets killed early on...and maybe he does?

Try to re-write this with a stronger focus on Col. Jeffries, his character issues, challenges, and the ultimate stakes.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Despite all you have written in your log line, I'm still not certain how this story is going to unfold. It can certainly be a comedy - with a punny name like Westington it could be some sort of spoof on the revolutionary war. Or it could be a thriller. Or it could be a war movie. Or it could be a drama. I'm really not sure - and the title doesn't help either.

First, I think you need to remove the names from this log line completely. Then I think you need to rewrite it so it gives me a feeling of what I should expect from the film. Maybe a title change is in order as well.

Good luck.

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

This feels too long winded - really try to tighten it up. I don't think you need to name your characters, and only keeps it feeling longer. I guess it's an intriguing premise, albeit doesn't feel very realistic, or even particularly interesting. The last 2 sentences feel like you're trying to hit some kind of dramatic note, but fall flat.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

The Title has a nice ring. It is interesting that you chose to abbreviate "Avenue". It gives the title a slangy feel. I think the main story is the fight for Downey Avenue, I wonder if there is a way to convey the same set up but start with the small scale fight for the neighborhood so that it carries the most weight. As written, we don't find out what the story is really about until the last sentence. It works but I think the up close and personal part with the non-military civilians is the most interesting (do you need to say non-military and civilian? I guess civilian is all you need.
anyway, good luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title makes me think of Robert Downey Jr!. Gives no indication of genre or story.

I just googled the title because i suddenly had a funny feeling that maybe it was a famous address i should know about like Downing Street, but no, it's not!

OK.

This starts really well - future, war, action, civilians fighting for their freedom and country, yeah! - a big old story shaping up here and then oh - no, it's actually about this retired guy and one little street.

I think you need that second to last sentence first. If the story is indeed about the colonel protecting the people on his street during a war then you do need the focus to be on that and not the background information.

I'm also not sure about the last sentence - their fight against who? Are the enemy troops actually invading Downey Ave? Are they going to?

Also - would an army really stay away at another fight if their country was being taken?? i don't think so - that might be a plot hole that needs ironing out.

Is the sentence about the president's last request really necessary?? There's a lot of info here and I don't think it's all necessary.

Hero = retired colonel Jeffries

goal = protect friends and family on Downey Ave

obstacles = depleted resources and enemy troops

It needs a good trim and a bit of clarification on what the 90 minutes will be about.

Do I want to read it? It's a genre I like but from this logline I'm not majorly excited but I'll have a look at the first 10.

*

Mohammad Nawaz (Level 4)

Another long logline but I think so far this has been my favourite story. It sounds very interesting.

I also like the title, has an "Old Classic" type feel.

This was close to being Very Good but the 66 words was a turnoff. A Good is still... Um.. Good? ;)

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

This is really good. I like the possibility of it actually happening, but I’d like to know who the enemies are—even in the logline, because it helps me to understand what kind of threat your characters are up against. Obviously, troops from some countries are more vicious than others. I don’t think a Mexican invasion would be as terrifying as one from Iran or North Korea.

I’m picking up on the whole idea of the street acting as a microcosm of the nation as a whole, but I’m wondering what happens when your characters are successful. There will be more troops coming, probably soon, and if this is just a localized story, I don’t see much chance for lasting success. And maybe that’s your point, that it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, but that you tried.

I really don’t think you need the last sentence, because it constrains your idea to just that street. That works in situations like RED DAWN (1984) where it is an isolated area, but you’re talking about one street in a complete neighborhood. To me, your last sentence comes across like that this fighting force is not interested in the larger picture, just their own little world.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Just enemy troops? Sounds so vague. Who are these enemies if we were meant to visualize the movie. I just see blurred faces. Be more specific, more visually impressive.

Weird that they invade it, yet world war 3 still needs preventing? Isn't this world war three then?

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is a pretty decent setup, although it harkens back to 80s movies like Red Dawn. While a group of suburbanites taking back their street from an invading force has potential, I'm wary of the retired Colonel making a comeback - it's a little overused, and it's less interesting than the fish-out-of-water idea of the untrained neighbors fighting back.

It's a lot of setup to say, essentially, a retired colonel leads his neighbors in afight against an invading force. The stuff about President Westington isn't necessary useless (ormaybe even if) the President himself is involved in the fight.

It's got a lot of potential; squeeze out the important details and you'll have a hit.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I'm not a big fan of this title for this concept. It feels like there might be another title that would convey what you have in mind and get people more excited.

The concept works well for me. It gives you a really strong dramatic situation around which you can build quite a bit of action.

The logline gives far too much information. I could see this being described in a way that gets people excited, but this isn't it. I'd suggest focusing on the idea of a single American street banding together to fight against a foreign invader, we don't need to know why they end up doing this.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The title is good, I suppose. I’m guessing that most of this takes place on Downey Avenue.

The hook is alright, although it doesn’t keep me attach for 120 minutes of the movie.
The setup takes place when US troops invade their own country. Is that incident ironic? Then they attempt to provoke World War III? I don’t know about this one.

The protagonist is President Washington or Jefferies. I’m not sure who the protagonist is, though they didn’t cause the invasion to take place. So the main goal is to stop World War II from taking place. World War III is an interesting goal for a protagonist in this logline. On the other hand, you have two different story lines going on. You tell us that Colonel Jefferies leads a group of non-military civilians to protect his own friends. Does this have any connections to preventing World War III from taking place?

The antagonistic force of the story is unclear. Althoguh I know that the president is challenged to get his citizens to take back the country, we don’t know what it is the president has to do to tell the citizens that. Other than this, the obstacle isn’t there.

Who is the antagonist of the logline? What is at stake? What happens if the protagonist doesn’t take over U.S.A? The antagonist isn’t clear in my head.

I haven notice that you spelled Washington’s name wrong. That brings down points for spelling errors.

The Genre is defined as War.

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

This is a little too wordy for my liking, the idea could be cool though.

It also gives me a little too much detail, it's always nice to leave a touch of intrigue in there.

I'm not keen on the title, seems a little passive for an action flick.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Not sure why you named the President and give the full name of the Colonel. Oher than being wordy as a pitch, there's definitely a movie here and it seems like a big budget summer flick. Still, the execution of the logline should be half as long and the tag line really detracted from any intrigue. We know it's the people's fight and it seems like a rally cry to 'like' the story.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

I wanted to like this more than the logline would allow me. First off, you don't need the first sentence to be: "2020 A.D.". You can start it with, "In the near future, America is invaded by enemy troops...". That way, you set up the future and shorten up the logline without losing any of your impact. You can also remove, "This is their fight!" as you state that the citizens on Downey Ave. are already preparing for war. You could also remove the names of the president and the retired colonel as neither has an impact on the logline. I really would like to see what you have in store, but based on the logline, I can only rate this as fair.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Who is the enemy? A country? Countries? How are US troops preventing WWIII? Which countries are fighting WW III?

If the enemy is as strong and clever enough to have over-run the White House, then it's going to be next to impossible for ordinary citizens to fight them?

You really have to disclose the enemy's strength for this to have real impact otherwise I'm just left guessing.

I don't quite get the tone for this film.

On the one hand it seems like a summer blockbuster along the lines of Roland Emmerich film. On the other hand it feels like a dark comedy like 1942.

The futuristic setting and originality of the last stand kinda fight on Downey Ave. makes this interesting and might take this to round two.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like the title, however what is Downey Ave? What does it mean in the big picture here? Colonel Hugh Jeffries is pulled into leading a group is weak. If he is your protag, he should be begging to lead the group. The logline is very long. It tells too much. It could be simplified and be much stronger. I like the idea of the story. But the logline would not help you pitch this story. You don't need the last line.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Similar to a logline I read earlier, this logline seems to have no defined idea. You turned what is easily a two-line logline into a four-liner. It's full of unnecessary details (does it matter what year, specifically? That the troops are overseas? President Washington? Hugh Jeffries? "This is their fight!"?) All of those details could easily be cut from this logline and it would still have exactly the same effect, without bogging us down.

Fair.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

This reads like a short story almost. In other words: too long! You should lead with the protagonist, Hugh Jeffries, as this is his story (right?). And take out any extraneous information. Something like this:


"In the year 2020, retired Colonel Hugh Jeffries, is pulled into leading a group of non-military civilians to protect his homeland after enemy troops invade U.S. soil and over run the White House."

This is much tighter, and tells the reader everything they need to know.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Kind of boring

Logline: This sounds like Red Dawn in the suburbs. There really isn't enough different here that makes it unique in a way that would compel me want to read the story.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Obviously its (2020) AD. I don't think the White House or U.S. existed in the pre-Christ era. I think you could make this a lot clearer - WW3 in America. But you throw in all these names and extra details that aren't really necessary that you just muddy your logline.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

The title stands out so kudos for that.

If you are going to start the logline off with the year, you should write "In 2020 A.D." instead of just the year. If you feel you must have just the year, at least put a colon after it. Since 2020 A.D. is not a stand alone statement, "Enemy" should be lowercase.

You should only use a character's name if it is necessary (and in this case, despite it being the fictional President, even he shouldn't be called by name).

Please don't add a tagline at the end of a logline.

You should also be aware that a lot of this information isn't necessary to know. You could have spent some of that space at least describing the main character you took three sentences to get to (which made me mistake him for an unimportant character).

After much consideration, I feel I can only give you a Fair because you failed to speak about your main character in a proper way for me to understand who they are as a person and in a way for me to not be aware that they were the main character. You also told me extraneous information and threw me off by starting with formatting problems.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

This logline has all the elements needed to give the reader a complete idea of the film - but I go back and forth on whether this is a action drama or a comedy? "Retired Colonel, Hugh Jeffries, is pulled into leading a group of non-military civilians to protect his friends, neighbors and family on Downey Ave. This is their fight!" This line makes me think it could be a comedy.

The first section of the logline reads like an action drama.

While I don't have a personal interest in this type of film, I do think there is a large audience for it. Good luck.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I keep having trouble with titles. I know that Hollywood has that problem, too; since I know a person who makes a rather good living creating titles for films in production. Your title tells me nothing about the content of your logline. It doesn't even suggest the big conflict you describe. As for your logline, it could be more dynamic. However, the clever idea within it is that we are so overextended abroad that we have no homeland defense. "As his last request President Westington..." suggests the President died. Could it be "As his dying request...?" Or "In his final broadcast to the nation..."? I also question "overun the White House." Just that? Of course not. Clarify. There's germ of an exciting film contained here. Get it out front. Sell!

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

I love the idea, but your true logline comes in at the mention of Colonel Jeffries. If you can get this down to one solid sentence of goals and stakes, this will really rock.

I know this action adventure will be a blast to write, so enjoy!

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This logline gives a pretty clear idea of what kind of movie this is, but I think it uses a few too many words to do so. I'd definitely leave off anything like that last sentence. Maybe something like "A foreign army takes advantage of the US military's campaigns abroad to take over the country in their absence. When the president challenges citizens to fight for their country, a retired army colonel takes charge of his civilan neighbors to take back their street."? Mine probably still needs some work, but in general I'd try to tighten it up. Good luck.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

Overrun is one word...

So citizens are challenged to take back the country and this colonel holes up to protect people? Not really a go-getter, huh?

If the enemy troops just take over the White House, who cares? The White House is just a residency (a symbolic one, true) and the President can conduct business elsewhere. There's no mention of teh Capitol or Supreme Court being in jeopardy, so it seems all three branches of government are intact. Let the bad guys have the White House, our government is still in working order. I mean, the British destroyed Washington, D.C., in 1814 and the country's been going on for nearly 200 years since.

I guess that's where I'm lost. It seems that the President is mad he got booted from his house. There's no indication that the enemy troops have spread or overtaken anything else, so that's the hang up. The premise doesn't work for me. I'm sure there's a possibly entertaining yarn here, but if I can't buy into the premise -- and I think just saying the enemy is overtaking major cities and the U.S. government would help immensely -- I can't invest much into the story.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2012 2:07 AM

A VG from me. Thought for sure this gem would advance.
Get together with Paul Williams and film it!

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 8:11 AM

Thanks for the advice...learned some more things about what not to do in Loglines. The character names catches me off guard since so many do it - but other than that I see what people are saying.

"Red Dawnish" Yeah of course it is similar but it was meant to be more grown up and more logical. Apparently my idea of the US over expending themselves on foreign land is illogical but Aliens invading from Mars and destroying the White House is not? That confuses me a little.

@KP - I need P.W. to write it :)

Alex Hollister (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 2:23 PM

I really liked this. I thought it had a chance. I loved the title. I could totally see the movie poster- What's that you ask?

Will since you enquired, it's the sign post with DOWNEY AVE written on it high up on a post sort of pointed down on a slant. Pockmarked in bullet holes. The sign points down to a single white picket fence house.... and the rest is grey, smoldering rubble. The angle tilted so that you can see debris all the way to the horizon.

Damn, I'd go see that. This just felt hugely marketable. It wasn't original, but pitched right it would be a sort of microcosm of ill-feeling towards terrorism. This Civilian army would encapsulate the anger in all of us that has never truly waned.

I really wanted to see this go through and I ABSOLUTELY IMPLORE you to keep writing it.

Alex Hollister (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 2:24 PM

Typos all over the place.... but you get the general idea.

Alex Hollister (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 2:26 PM

By the way, not sure if it actually is about terrorists, but the sentiment is the same. Enemy troops or terrorists, it's about defending homeland. A strong objective/goal.

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 3:57 PM

Glad you liked it...I actually started writing this idea a few years back but stopped because of the similarity to "Red Dawn" when pitching and talking about it with friends. I do not think they are terrorists just another country invading. It is more to show how people will fight for their lives and family if put in the situation. Having the US defense all across the world accept for home is kind of a stab at the way our Government likes to stick it's nose in other countries' business and now a country took advantage of that and invaded our depleated defense. But in the end the will power of the people is what would save the country, not the Government. Downey Ave would be the focus of the movie but of course there would be many, many, many other neighborhoods fighting back as well to over throw the hostile nation that has invaded. How to get this all in a logline? I dunno :) Thanks for showing interest, Alex.

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 4:00 PM

And I think this is why I do not like loglines. My idea is far more complex and in depth than I can even explain in a paragraph let alone 2-4 sentences. :) I will seriously hire someone to write my logline if I ever finish another feature.